edgierthanedges-blog

[edgierthanedges-blog]

This is different

Had one of the biggest hiccups in our relationship over the weekend. On friday after a conversation with meaghan i got so overwhelmed. It all started with her saying she wants to self harm. It destroys me every time. And i tried to help but she realized i dont actually understand. I got so overwhelmed I just had to cut it off and go to bed. I want to try and avoid going to bed mid-argument but meaghan thinks its okay to do that because it gives us time to cool off. Didnt really work on my end cuz i just ended up making the decision that she needed space but this only made things worse. I look at her tumblr 2-3 times a day. This morning I felt like shit and i just exploded at meaghan. I cant believe i said the things i did. I love her so much and i think im beginning to take for granted how much she actually means to me. She's all i have. The only reason i feel less alone. But im slowly fucking it up with episodes like these. Hardest part is i dont have someone to go to for advice if the advice is for a situation involving her. I really want us to last for a long time. I cant pull shit like this. She listens to me so much more than anyone else. She's such a good friend. I need to realize this person is one of a kind and remind myself that ive never met someone as genuine and loving as her.

[edgierthanedges-blog]

I had a really good day with meaghan today. I had a huge freak out last night because meaghan was frustrated a bit that we havent been able to see each other in a while. For some reason i took it as hinting at breaking up and i got super upset and meaghan and i got into a fight about it. i fucked up a lot by saying some ridiculous things. but when i saw meaghan today it made me realize how important she is to me and that i gotta try really hard to keep her around. and not take her for granted. Meaghan also has been feeling a little weird lately because some triggers have been getting her. I feel so bad i wish i could do something to help. She told me she was feeling that slow motion feeling especially after seeing kavya for a bit. I hugged her and kissed her and i got that same slow motion feeling but in a really good butterflies in my stomach kind of way. I still cant believe i get those when i kiss her. Anyways it was kinda crazy cuz she went home and two minutes later she was on tumblr reblogging some hot af shit like damn. Then she got really horny and wanted to cum. shit was a rollercoaster today. I also still havent received my tuition money. lmao clock is ticking. awkward. ive been feeling so stressed about school. not just my classes. but like the next two years. am i even going to make it that far in terms of being able to afford it? and what about afterwards. how am i gonna find a way to stay here. damb. i cant even get an internship because during the summer i have classes and work. i dont know what im gonna doooo. fuuuck. its ok. im actually in a pretty good mood today so just wanted to update this blog. also robert smells horrific fuck

[edgierthanedges-blog]

Honestly never know how to start these things. It's like im talking to myself. Some days... nights, i get really sad. I just want to have a normal life in the future. I want to live a life that makes me feel fulfilled or satisfied. I just cant believe we only get one chance when so much of our lives is based on chance. I should be doing more. I need to be doing more. Where the fuck is the motivation. I've been doing nothing all winter break. I can't get myself to do things. I'm becoming so lazy. All i can count on right now is to be able to spring back once the winter quarter begins. Every day that goes by where i do nothing, my anxiety further immobilizes me the next day. My anxiety fucking can't take a break. Every time i have something happening or i DO things, anything, my heart rate goes up. adrenaline pumps. my brain tells me it doesnt like it. anxiety wont take a damn break. its ridiculous. even when i have work the next morning. or seeing my girlfriend the next morning. i find it hard to fall asleep cuz u just cant sleep with a fucking rapid ass heart rate. It just makes me want to do nothing so that my anxiety has nothing to be all upset over. But then doing nothing makes me anxious. But anxiety is only part of it. I have to believe a large part of it is in my control. I know i can fix it. I know im not tied down to anything. Maybe anxiety is just an excuse. I know i can do it. I have a big quarter planned. I don't know how im going to have time to spend with my girlfriend. But based upon last quarter, i think we're kickin ass at long distance. i love her so much. I want to live with her. She tells me a lot that she wishes a future with me. I want the same. But i heard its bad to talk about things like that cuz its too far ahead. But im not gonna lie, it makes me happy thinking about it. Makes me think that all of this. life. will present something to really live for. I hate how we're all so alone in our minds. The worst is at nights. I just feel alone. its scary. im so terrified of two years from now. where the hell am i gonna be. Theres a big chance things won't work out and I'll be on a flight back to Korea. but i wont think about that. but maybe i should cuz it will motivate me to do more. This is serious. i actually do have to push myself. i dont have the luxury to relax and take it easy and just blindly believe in some fate that everything will work out. sorry friends. thats not what i want to hear. I dont really know what i want to hear tbh. goodnight tumblrrrr