eiraswritings

[eiraswritings]

august 26 - 27, 2024

This morning, I told myself that I’m doing better now and that it was better this way - how things have ended.

It’s better this way: I know I deserve better. I had thoughts about it in 2017, I felt like I was digging myself a deeper hole everytime conflicts arised. I was always the one who waved the white flag, I was always the one who apologizes. I was always the one at fault because that person put the blame on me. But silly old me, I took everything and thought of it as the things I need to work on myself. Looking back, there were mixed emotions when I said “yes” to a not-so-romantic proposal back then. But then again, I was really happy, I was true, I just don’t understand why was I always anxious when it comes to you.

Almost a year and a lot of someone’s fading feelings later… In 2018, I was pushed out of the home we built for two. It hurt but I accepted it. And not too long after, they were asking me to come back home and rebuild the connection, that they couldn’t fathom anyone else who will love them the way I did. They showed me minor changes in their actions but I failed to realize that they were pushing me to decide and take them back when I really shouldn’t.

I’m still healing from the things I never (and probably will never) talked about. I’m still healing from the sudden events last June. I’m still healing and accepting that I’ll never get the answers to my questions. I’m still healing from the way that person made me think about certain things - especially how I see myself. I’m still healing from the words that were stabbed deeply in my mind and moments I can’t get over. And lastly, I’m still healing from the million shattered pieces of my heart.

It’s 12:14 A.M as I’m writing this sentence.

It’s getting quite annoying to have someone and something on my mind every now and then. It’s even more annoying when I realize that the other person’s probably having the time of their life, probably forgotten about everything and probably handle it well since their feelings were easily washed away after some minor situation (an example of a minor situation is not being present at the concert they looked forward to).

It sucks holding someone’s hand all throughout the journey and having your heart broken when all you ever hoped for is a happily ever after with that person. It sucks because you got over a lot of stupid arguments and situations together but end up splitting up over something so small. No offense. (Well, who am I offending at this point?)

There are still some nights that I think about the last meeting I had with that person.

After seven years and seven months… we ended.

(Continuation of post - August 31, 2024)

Did I really mess up? Or are my feelings valid after all this time?

Was I overthinking too much? Was I too much? But why didn’t they explain their side and reassured me?

Why were they like that? What was the exact reason?

If they were upset over my cryptic posts, couldn’t I be upset about the things they also shared and liked at that time? I couldn’t be upset over them and the lack of answers I got, I couldn’t be upset about the mixed signals and the-things-I-never-really-opened-up?

Why were they holding my hand tightly on our last day? They cared about me that afternoon but at midnight and the next morning, there was a sudden turn of events. (Funny how this was the 7th day of the month. And they say that 7 is a lucky number.)

To be honest, I didn’t see that situation would be the end of a love story. We were happy - or maybe being the eternal optimist that I am, I could say that we were happy. I loved that person with my whole heart. I saw them as a partner that I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. They were my favorite person. They were my best friend. I did feel loved by them but I also felt like walking on eggshells whenever I saw something wrong or whenever I “did” something wrong.

I realized that I loved so intensely that I didn’t notice there were a lot of little red signs. I loved so intensely that I tried to understand everything. I loved so intensely that I gave them my heart sincerely. I loved so intensely that I was/am so heartbroken when we had to part ways. I loved so intensely that I couldn’t let go of everything so easily and quickly. I loved so intensely that I became too soft. I loved so intensely that I had to keep myself small. I loved so intensely that I forgot about me.

Here I am at 2:25 A.M.

Thinking about what went wrong and how did it end. When our last (at-home) dates were us laughing, playing games, watching movies and sharing food.

Still thinking about them from time to time.

“Out of sight, out of mind”, they said.

Well… not if you pay attention to the littlest details that they stay in your memory for a long time.

But I guess I really am doing better now.

I still have my moments but I’m better now.

I can be free and be myself. I don’t have to please them. I don’t have to feel bad when they don’t want to spend time or exert energy on the things I like. I don’t have to feel bad that I’m probably forcing them to do stuff with me. I don’t have to feel bad when I take interest in the things they like but they don’t do the same for me. I don’t have to worry about them getting upset with me for some reason. I don’t have to worry about their special friends, I don’t have to worry about the incomplete details of the stories, I don’t have to worry about them. I don’t have to worry about my actions when they don’t worry about how theirs affect me. I don’t have to worry about the upcoming events that they never really tell me about. I don’t have to worry about someone else.

I don’t have to cry at night because of some stuff I saw online.

I am free.

Thank you for letting me go. Again.

It hurt a lot but it’s probably just the consequence of loving too intensely.

Not yours (anymore),

Eira.

[eiraswritings]

august 6

two months since the last time we went out together,

two months since the day the relationship fell apart and was hanging on a thread,

and almost two months since our last actual conversation,

and i hate how you’re still in my thoughts every now and then.

when you’re probably doing better now, probably in love with some other girl from high school, probably not regretting the breakup.

i hate you.

and i hate that i miss you.