ellebelle2020

[ellebelle2020]

I think he finds his way back to me for punishment. Possibly love, mostly punishment. I think I find my way back to him because I still want the illusion of him. I think about him most in my quietest hours. I need to keep my mind busy. 

[ellebelle2020]

You are an ugly person

My stomach hurts. I was hoping I could wake up and this would just be over. It isn’t. I see you and her together. My mind is exploring what that day looked like, how did it happen, was it the first time, what positions did you do? My mind tells me that this is what narcissists do. My mind tells me to just stop and let you go. Which, I will. You are no longer attractive to me. You are an ugly person for doing all of this to me. 

[ellebelle2020]

I lost my way

I lost my way. It wasn’t today or yesterday. In fact, I am not sure when it even was. 

Today, Alan Jackson’s “Remember When” plays on repeat in my head. That song had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with HIM. I am unsure why. But, it plays on.

It tears me apart to say bye and walk away. I want you to fight, to hang on, to try, and to tell me you love me. I want you to tell me I matter and all of this wasn’t just for nothing. Instead, tonight you confirmed that you did indeed betray me. 

I betrayed him. I betrayed me. I betrayed everyone. Perhaps you are nothing more than karma and the devil all wrapped into to one to remind me to get my shit together. But, not everything is about me.

That’s all... for tonight. 

[ellebelle2020]

I loved him.

I love him.

I am in love with him.

The memory of him.

The ghost of what was.

The illusion of what could have been.

[ellebelle2020]

It's new years eve. I want these drinks to wash away this year. I was to forget this year. Mostly, I want to just forget you. I notice I have a voicemail. Why? No one phoned me.. Wait... You phoned me.

I see that you phoned. Why are you phoning me? It's been 3 months "no contact". I feel my entire body tingle with anxiety and rage. I feel panicked. I message a few people for help. I unblock you. "Not today, Satan."

Somehow we message back and forth until midnight. Somehow you still had to make sure I was aware of your existence before 2021 hit.

You tell me you wonder how I am and that you need people like me in your life. What? People like me? You told me I was a pig, a bully, a bitch. You lied, you cheated, you hurt me.

No. No. No.

I feel the need to argue. As though somehow, someway, you are going to fix it all. I know you won't. I know you can't. I know you never will.

I picture a cocaine binge being the same way. I still felt high every message that came through. Your words are still captivating. I can see how I once got lost.

The truth is I miss you, but I don't know you. I miss an illusion. I miss someone that doesn't exist. But I still crave that illusion. How does that make sense? I miss my sanity. I miss how I felt before I knew you. I didn't have to try and figure out fantasy from reality and everything in between.

It's 3AM as we drive home. I let out some tears. I'm not sure why it all hurts so bad, but it does.

[ellebelle2020]

I miss you.

The way the wind misses the rain.

The way the river misses a flood.

The way rubber tires miss black ice on a cold dark January morning.

[ellebelle2020]

I want it to end

2AM: Why am I awake? Why can I not sleep? What is he doing? Is he with her? Sleeping with her? Where does he live? Who did he move in with? I bet it is her. I bet they both just needed a roomie. Nothing really adds up. He was foreshadowing moving for a month or two before he actually did. Why do I care? What is the attraction? Why did he claim he never cheated and never would and then did as soon as he had the chance? When did they start sleeping together? Who else did he sleep with? I wasn’t special. I wasn’t anything. I wish his ex didn’t hate me so I could message her and ask her--Did he ever hit you? Did he ever cheat on you? He said she would show his dick pics to her friends. But why did she do that? Was she showing them what you sent to someone else? Why is it that nothing makes sense? You said you were having panic attacks about paying your rent, and then suddenly you are moving to “help your friend out.” I want you out of my head. 

[ellebelle2020]

It's been 23 years without her. I miss her.

My mom always wants me to hand her money for cigarettes and bingo and whatever else.

My job is killing me.

I really need a glass of wine.

[ellebelle2020]

Literally my thought process:

He was in general population (prison), if he did harm a woman or kid he would be in protective custody. That doesn't prove anything. What did he say to Megan to win her over? "Hey baby I went to prison protecting women and children" and why did his work take him back? He went to prison for a year and they kept him on? I bet his parole officer fought for that. Why do I care? His parole is up in April, I wonder if that's when he will start getting into bigger crimes again. Am I actually attracted to him? The air feels nice... Warm but crisp. I wonder what he is doing right now. I wonder what it is like to hug him right now. Megan kind of looks like me. All the other women after his wife looked like his wife. Weird. He said he always wanted me. Was I a trophy to him of some sort? Something to be conquered? I wonder where he moved. Why did he move? He said it was to help his friend with rent. I bet HE needed help with rent since he told me he was having panic attacks over rent even though he could afford it. I wonder if he moved in with meg? Nah, they would have only been dating a month. Who knows though. Wait, when DID they start talking again? He probably will get with a really good looking successful woman because they would never deal with it.

[ellebelle2020]

I don’t know much

I don’t know much of what I am feeling. I know I lay awake at night obsessing. I lay awake wondering what was real and what wasn’t. I lay awake hating you. I lay awake wondering if this is my karma. I am glad it’s done. I am glad it is over. I wish it never happened. Yet, why are you still on my fucking mind all of the time? Sometimes I want to scream. Sometimes I want to message you and tell you I hate you. But, any contact is a win to you isn’t it? It really is karma isn’t it? All of this. 

[ellebelle2020]

I am angry. I am angry at the mind games, the lies, the gaslighting. I'm angry that I spent so much time in pain and in the dark while you were off doing whatever. I'm angry that you never kept one single promise you made. I feel betrayed and tricked. I hate you for all of this.

[ellebelle2020]

You keep sending me pictures. I'm not responding. I sit here looking at your face feeling confused. I don't see the same person I once did. Your eyes seem blank. I don't see "The man I love" instead I see someone who lied, betrayed me, hurt me, cheated, played games, and led me on. I don't feel much really. I used to message you instantly when you communicated with me. But, not anymore. I'm not giving you anymore power. Ever.

[ellebelle2020]

[ellebelle2020]

Sundays are hard.

I'm not sure why.

This morning I am missing him. I'm picturing him with her. I am replaying everything in my head and wondering what is real an what isn't.

[ellebelle2020]

Sept. 25, 2020

This morning I am anxious. I wake up and replay stuff in my head. You and her. You and me. Me and him. But mostly, you and her. I replay the lies and twisted words. The twisted truths. The twisted texts, calls, and days. I am tired. You robbed me. I loved you. Genuinely. That was all you wanted. You searched high and low for love. But you always toss it away like trash once you find it and it is never your fault, right? You are fragmented, like a house of mirrors. Smoke and mirrors. Nothing is completely as it seems and I could never get close enough to the center. Is there a center? Who are you?

[ellebelle2020]

[ellebelle2020]