ellieandallthingsfuzzy

[ellieandallthingsfuzzy]

Circles

 Summary: Part II to Midnight Delusions where Luke's concern for your mental health gets worse, and you meet and old friend of the family's.

Warnings: Intense descriptions of anxiety and psychosis, elements of horror,

 "Last night was the worst one yet and I'm afraid that it will only get worse." 

Chewie's guttural yawn could be heard from a distance over the hologram. Leia glanced to the side once before meeting Luke's eye again.

"When was the last episode?" 

"About a fortnight ago," he sighed. "I'm at a loss for what to do anymore other than how I take care of her now." 

Leia's heart sunk at the sight of her brave twin looking more defeated than ever. His shoulders were slumped and his eyes were puffed and glazed over. 

"You haven't slept much, have you?"

Another sigh, and then "I'm afraid of her waking up without me." 

Her heart went from her stomach to her feet at that. 

"She seems to be alright in the day when I'm with my students, but then when the sun goes down I think that's when it gets worse." 

"Is there anyone with her in that time?" 

"R2 is always nearby." 

There was a long moment of silence between them as they pondered. Leia was especially saddened to hear of your worsening condition. The two of you were almost as close to each other as you were to Luke. Anytime she visited, he had to practically compete for your attention because you were always glued to her side, and her, yours. Sometimes you two even slept in the same bed, which makes him just the tiny bit jealous, but ultimately he was happy that the two most important women in his life loved each other just as much as he loved them.

"I'm on a mission as an ambassador to Mygeeto at the moment, but I will come see you two at the earliest opportunity. I regret that it's already been this long since my last visit…"

Luke smiled softly. "Worry not, dear sister. I always feel you in the force." 

"And I, you." She said, voice starting to trail off. "I must leave for now, but I will stay in touch." She said regrettably. He nodded before they said their goodbyes and Luke was left alone in the room again. 

Another great breath of air deflated his chest as he studied the forest outside the window. All the vibrant green bamboo trees and the leaves that always seemed to be reaching out to touch you. A truly gorgeous place. 

You'd gone out for a walk maybe an hour earlier after waking up to Luke still rubbing your hair back from your forehead. Your eyes had fluttered sleepily as you registered his puffy eyed stare and his sad smile while he asked you how you were feeling today. 

You gave a big stretch and a tired whine before telling him you felt fine so far. 

"How about I make us something to eat, yeah?" His voice was still at half volume. 

You'd gently shook your head.

"I'm not really hungry yet." 

You'd quietly slipped on your boots and one of your oversized black cloaks: a hand-me-down from Luke. And then you were off, trudging aimlessly and thoughtlessly through the trees and the grass. You were weary as always about possible hallucinations but they usually stayed away for a good chunk of the day. Things only got bad when the sky starts to dim.

But right now, you were relieved and contented to have full control of your own mind and soon, you found a comfortable spot by a pond where you sat with your legs bent on either side of you. Curious frogs and other strange bugs pirouette around your presence. You giggled to yourself while you let some of them crawl up and down your arm and weave between your fingers. You even let a spider explore the surface of your face before gently guiding it back down into your palm again. 

You always had a special relationship with the wildlife here. The animals and the trees and even the dirt beneath your feet. Perhaps that was why Luke picked this place out for the two of you. It was special and it was easy to strengthen one's connection with not only the force, but the universe itself. It was a soothing remedy to your delicate mind. Like being kissed and tucked back into bed after a horrible nightmare. 

"You have a strong connection to the force here." 

You froze, refusing to look at who spoke or to even blink. Was this a real person or was this another product of your damaged psyche?

"But you're not a force user, are you?" 

The sound of footsteps approaching set every one of your nerves on edge and you started to shake. The spider you were holding scurried away after sensing your fear along with most of the bugs and frogs that have also come to visit. 

The footsteps stopped about a meter away and finally, you turned to the side just slightly to see a tall figure looking down at you, but not with malice. At least, you hoped that was what you were sensing. 

They had their arms politely behind their back, something shiny and silver was clipped to their belt. 

"I have a different kind of power." You said meekly. 

"One that most don't understand." 

You only gave a small nod as the stranger got closer, but still far enough away so as not to startle you. You still hadn't looked at her head on.

"But it's a power that can also leave you vulnerable." She continued.

Slowly, you turned to finally see who this stranger was and even though you'd never seen her before in your life….your breath still caught in your throat. 

She was tall and confident and exuded power. Her mannerisms alone suggested great wisdom and maturity. Someone who has seen a lot, someone who has done a lot. Someone from way before your time. From before Luke's, even. 

You recognized her as a togruta woman with the signature white facial markings. You were briefly mesmerized by the striped head tails draped over her shoulders. 

You frowned slightly after a long moment of unsure silence. You didn't look her in the face when you talked. You rarely looked anyone in the face when you did. 

"Why are you talking to me?" 

A strangely worded question but she knew what you really meant. Why was she here? Why was she interested in your power? Why did she care about your mental turmoil? 

"I was called by the force to come here. My help will be needed very soon."

"I don't need your help." You tried to sound as polite as possible. 

"Maybe that is true. But you'll need the help of people very close to you." 

'He already helps me every single day. Even if he doesn't have to…'

"I'm not talking about Luke."

You whipped your head around, eyes wide with alarm. 

She only gave a reassuring smile.

"We met once a few years ago when he trained his first student. I'm…a friend of the family."

Your alarm slowly dissipated until you were gazing off to the side again. You still didn't understand her interest in you or your condition.

"Something dark is plaguing you."

"Well…I've always been a little sick."

"It's different than that." Her tone darkened. "I sense an outside entity. And it will only continue to get stronger if you don't reach out." 

You shook your head. "No, this isn't something anyone can ever save me from. My own mind is poisonous. And you're right, it will get worse. Slowly, but surely. And no one, not even I can stop it. The way to cure me is to kill me."

Your silence after that was horribly telling. Something in the stranger was saddened and suddenly you felt a hand on your shoulder. You were almost surprised that you didn't startle. 

"There is always another way." 

Your eyes started to water when you answered. Your words were wobblier than before. 

"Not for my family." 

Neither of you spoke for several minutes. She looked at you with a mix of sympathy and concern while you fought to even out your breaths. To swallow back the tears and quickly wipe away any that escape. 

"I…I have a rule…If I ever…" 

Your eyes leaked despite you struggling to keep it together. Just the thought alone of this worst case scenario was overwhelming. It felt blasphemous. You were sickened to even say it out loud. 

"If I ever…g-go after him. If-If I ever hurt him…" 

You squeezed your eyes shut as her hold you tightened just a bit. 

Though you couldn't finish the thought, she knew exactly what you were saying. You'd kill yourself if you ever hurt Luke. 

"We don't have to let that happen. Whatever that darkness was that hurt you yesterday, it can be killed." 

You frowned at her seemingly endless knowledge of you and your life, but you also had to remember that she was a vetted force user and could probably see into your past just as well as you could. And if she was older than Luke, which she was for sure, you could imagine just how powerful she was.

"You need to call your sister." 

Once again you whipped your head, eyes even crazier than before. 

"How do you know about my sister!?"

"Luke has mentioned some things. But mostly I can sense it. You need help from your own kind, your own blood."

"I thought you said your help was needed?"

"The force works in ways we don't always understand at first. But I'm meant to be here at this time." 

You shook your head again, mostly to shake away the confusion. Your head was already starting to ache and you suddenly wanted to far far away from this stranger. 

You gave her one last fearful look before rising, making her hand fall limp to her side. You brushed past her, only stopping when she spoke again. 

"You'll understand soon. Better than I ever could. You'll be ready soon."

You didn't say anything, just wrapped your cloak tighter around you and slinking off into the woods. 

At home, Luke was winding down after a long day of teaching, training, and coaching. He was changing into his night robes when R2 started beeping away at him. 

"You know she likes to go for walks often. Don't worry, I can always tell where she's at or if she's safe."

More electronic beeping and squealing and Luke exhaled harshly.

"She's okay R2. Trust me, I'll be the first to jump into action if something happens."

The mouthy droid only got more frantic and frustrated at Luke's dismissal until finally, after a good five minutes of arguing, he slipped on his boots and went out after you. Mostly just to humor R2, who followed eagerly.

♤♤♤♤♤

You trudged farther and farther into the woods, that stranger's words still replaying in your head. You couldn't stop thinking about all the possibilities of what could happen. 

What if she was right? What if you were being attacked? What if you did need your sister's help? What if this unseen force ends up killing you before you kill yourself? What if it ends up killing Luke?

At some point, your hands ran down your face as you cried out in agony, trying to scream away all of these terrifying thoughts. And on and on you walked, occasionally stumbling a bit off to the side.

You passed a bamboo cluster when you heard someone calling out your name. Your husband.

That was when you realized just how long you'd been gone because the sky was dark again and suddenly you knew you had to get home before things got bad. 

But things weren't going to go bad, you told yourself. If you expect it, it will happen. So you repeated to yourself over and over while you headed towards Luke's voice. 

"I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine…" Over and over until the words no longer sounded like real words. 

Luke called for you once more and you called back, telling him you were coming. But he didn't seem to hear you. 

You must be too far away for your voice to carry. You did have a pretty soft voice especially compared to Luke, who's screeching could rival that of a wookie's. Thankfully, he's calmed down since his younger days. 

You groaned and continued on, still reassuring yourself as you went. 

♤♤♤♤♤

Luke's hands floated back down to his sides after calling you for the umpteenth time. R2 beeped and he only glanced at him once before speaking.

"That is weird. She usually always answers, even if it's just a small wavelength…" A subtle wave of energy that can carry any type of emotion. 

The magic you practiced, or at least used to, was vastly different to what he tapped into. But it also made it easier to sense your presence. It calmed him, made him at ease. But now, he couldn't sense you at all. It was like you'd just disappeared off the face of the planet. 

His heart sunk lower and lower at this until he ordered his trusty droid to keep watch where he was while he ran off through the thick trees, calling your name louder and louder until he was screaming your name like you'd just died in front of him.

♤♤♤♤♤

You passed the same cluster of bamboo sproutlings for the third time when Luke's voice started to distort into something else. A demonic bastardization of his real voice and you were struggling to find your way out of this endless loop. Because soon, you were certain that you were being chased by whatever was calling you and you sprinted until you could hear the quick footsteps of someone right on your heels. 

No matter which way you ran, you always passed by the same cluster and no matter how hard you screamed, no one would hear you. You were trapped in a loop and you clawed at your own face, yanking on your hair, pounding on your own head. Trying to get it to stop, trying to escape this hell. 

It was only when you saw him in the distance, clad in all black and covered with a great cape that a new adrenaline passed through you. You ran faster to catch up, calling and reaching out for him until he was within arms reach. You grabbed first for the fabric of his cloak to turn him around so he could face you but he wouldn't move. He was a statue. Cold and unfeeling. 

You tugged again and called his name with a warbling voice. 

Still nothing. 

"Luke?" You paused to see if he'd do anything. When he didn't, you grabbed his arm hoping to get him to look at you but the second you did, a cold, clammy hand overtook yours.

You gasped instantly as the color of its skin resembled a decaying corpse than the golden color of Luke's complexion. When he turned to look at you, your blood froze in your veins when you were greeted with the gaunt face of a monster you hadn't thought of in years. One with razor sharp shark teeth and soulless royal purple eyes.

Her snarl was demonic. Every once of color drained from your face so you were just as pale as her. 

Your knees already started to give out. 

"M-Ma-Mama…?"

Your petrified whisper echoed through the woods around him as the droid tried his best to keep up. 

He screamed your name much louder this time and was only met with another one of your scared whimpers. 

He stopped when he caught just a whiff of your presence; you were close. He scanned every which way with a determined scowl, still unsure where to run. He could feel you but just barely. Something else was shielding you from him. Hiding you. Something evil, he was sure of it.

And then your scream filled the air more than the air itself. It made him run harder and harder until his legs were shouting at him to rest but he couldn't. Not until he knew you were safe. 

When he did finally find you, you were curled up in a fetal position with your legs to your chest. You were crying like a child, he wasn't even sure you knew where you were. But he couldn't feel that foreign presence anymore. There was no one to protect you from it seemed. 

He rushed over to your side and put a gentle hand over your head, but you recoiled from his touch. He jerked back, not knowing what to do. R2 came slipping out from the dark mass of trees, panicked with worry and trying to wake you with his incessant beeping and whistling. But Luke was quickly to softly talk him down before whispering and cooing to you, slowly bring you back down to reality until it was safe to touch you without you getting scared. 

You peeked through your arms covering your face at his smiling form, coaxing you to open your eyes. 

The world was still a haze and you could hardly move but you were there. You were aware. 

"Oh, Maker…" he whispered, too low for you to hear. 

Tonight was worse than before. But now he was starting to question the validity of your sickness. Was your mind really tainted? Or was there something else at play here? He felt that outside energy, something he'd never sensed before. He didn't know if it was human, or of any species he knew of in this galaxy. He knew it couldn't have been a Jedi, but it also felt far too sinister, even for a sith. Because this force, this entity, whatever it was, it didn't draw its power from rage. It felt too cold for that. Too unfeeling. 

After several minutes of slowly bringing you to a lucid state, he slipped his arms beneath you to carry you in his arms like a bride. Though you still weren't fully sure what was going on, you wrapped your arms loosely around his neck, resting your head against his chest. 

"I think she was right…" you mumbled on the way back home. 

Luke frowned. 

"Who was right?"

You didn't answer for a long time. But you just as he thought you weren't going to at all. 

"Ahsoka."

-----

If anyone is still reading, thank you, first of all. And second, please give me your feedback on if this story should be continued or not. I wrote this several months ago when I was still struggling with addiction to alcohol and this story was a way for me to comfort myself, but, as you can see, describes some harrowing mental spirals that I'm not entirely sure I can recreate, especially now that I'm sober.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I'm also a little afraid to continue this story. But I'm nevertheless, still proud of what I have written so far, so maybe it can be a good standalone and maybe someone else will use this idea to branch off into something better. Anyways, may the force be with you all.

[ellieandallthingsfuzzy]

Midnight Delusions

Summary: You hear a violent intruder in the middle of the night and take it upon yourself to protect Luke, but when he wakes, he realizes that the intruder you had killed was never real.

Warnings: Blood, panic attacks, intense descriptions of anxiety, psychosis

   Blood stained your hands and fingers as you scrubbed furiously with the already soiled sponge that did nothing to lessen this mess.  You cried uncontrollably as you scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed, struggling to keep your sobs at a low volume lest you wake your husband sleeping in your shared bedroom. 

When you went to wipe away the tears clouding your vision, you were even more horrified at the realization that you've just smeared more blood across your face. You pulled back in an instant, swallowing back a scream. Your hand trembled violently in front of your face. Dripping ominously. 

You scrambled to wipe as much off on your clothes as possible: you'll burn this shirt and pants the second you finish dealing with this crisis in the kitchen. 

You grabbed yet another fresh towel from the linen closet and plopped it onto the nearest puddle, soaking up as much as you could and squeezing out the excess into the sink. Your panicked breathing only intensified the longer you worked and you were racking your brain, trying to remember how you got into this mess in the first place. You scoured your own memories and cried harder when the floor only seemed to bleed more, trapping you in an endless cycle of hand mopping pools and pools of infinitely generating blood. 

A broken sob escaped your throat right before Luke approached from behind with tentative movements.

He took a second to take in his surroundings. You on your knees, crying like a banshee and surrounded by countless soaked wash cloths. The first look on his face was confusion followed immediately by concern.

"Hey, what's going on?" He asked in his signature soft voice, sliding in beside you and putting a hand on your shoulder. He squeezed lightly, which was enough to pull your attention to him but not enough to pull you out of whatever fog your mind was in. So you could only stare back with wide, guilty eyes as you retracted into yourself. 

His worry only worsened at this. 

"Sweetheart, please tell me what you're thinking right now. What are you feeling? You can talk to me, I'm always here no matter what." 

Halfway through his words, you shut your eyes tightly. Hanging on to each syllable, wanting to dive into his lap and cling to him like your very life depended on it. But you also couldn't contain the horror of such a gruesome scene, and you couldn't understand why he didn't seem to notice the ocean of red surrounding you both. So you continued to stare with wide eyes, letting out little involuntary gasps every once in a while. 

He said your name with a cautious tone, leaning closer so he could better see your face. Your horror got worse. 

"I-I-I was protecting us, p-protecting you!" You finally managed to squeak out. 

"What?" His brows came crashing together. "Sweetheart, there's no one here."

"Not anymore. I killed him!" Your voice was barely above a whisper. "I killed him because he was gonna kill you and I didn't know what else to do!" 

He shook his head slightly, searching every detail of your face and eyes. 

"You have to believe me, Luke, I'm not a monster! I-I'm…I'm not a…m-monster. I was protecting you! I was protecting you please believe me, I was protecting you!" 

You gasped and wheezed and struggled to compose sentences that made sense. Your voice got higher and more shrill with every word and you even grabbed onto the sleeve of his robe, not realizing how tight your grip was until his neckline had been tugged practically all the way down his chest. 

When you showed no signs of pulling yourself out of this rambling, Luke moved his hands to cradle your face, gently forcing you to look at him. He tucked several unruly strands of hair from your forehead and cheeks and shushed you with the soothing voice of a siren. It was a light sound, a calming 'sshhh' emanating from his lips. His nose was nearly pressed into yours as you finally started to calm your breathing. You focused on matching your breath with his, just like he'd taught you. You grabbed his wrist while several more silent tears rolled down your cheeks. 

He said your name once more before going on.

"Baby, there is no one else here. What do you think happened?" 

You frowned. 

"Wha-what are you talking about? His body is right there!" You went to point at the beaten corpse splayed out in the area between the kitchen and living area, except…

He wasn't there. 

Your eyes got wild again, immediately thinking he was still alive and stalking you. Stalking Luke. So you shot up out of his grasp, careful not to slip on the blood.

But the blood was all gone. The place was spotless. The only evidence of the scene were the soap soaked towels laid haphazardly all over the tile floor.

You froze, turning frantically every which way. You were panting again, trying to stave off the panic bubbling in your stomach. Your chest. 

Usually, Luke wasn't one to grab you roughly and without warning but you were starting to seriously scare him. He was still trying to piece together what exactly you were talking about and so far, the only thing he could gather was that you thought someone was in your hut and trying to kill him.

He spun you around to face him, making sure to keep both hands on your shoulders 

"I-I was protecting you…" 

"There's no one to protect me from. I'm safe. You're safe. My shining star, I think you may be having a flashback…" 

"I'm not!" You yelled, pulling yourself from his grasp, or trying to at least. But his hold on you was strong and he was determined to not let you lose yourself in whatever madness affected you on this night. 

"He was here, he is here and he's hunting you!" You tried to pull away as you spoke. "Let me go, please! I have to keep you safe please!" Your begging only increased when he tightened his hold so now you were stuck in his one handed grasp, desperately trying to pull away so you could chase the shadow man trying to kill your husband. 

"I have to keep you safe! LET GO!" 

Your struggling reached a fever pitch and the worry lines on his features were worsening. His hold remained unbreakable as your ranting devolved into incoherent babbling mixed with panicked sobs and begging him to let you go so you could go after that man…

Even after realizing that there was never any blood, you were still so convinced of your eminent danger. 

Luke's heart broke as you finally gave up and started crying like a newborn and refused to look at him. You tried to bury your face in your arm as he reached out with the hand that wasn't holding you. He cupped your face again. You tried to shake it away but he just moved on to stroking the side of your head instead, slowly bringing you into his chest at the same time. 

The shame came crashing down all at once. He was right. No one was here, and you were freaking out over quite literally nothing. 

But you were so sure, you were so sure! It all felt so real, the plunge of the knife into his skull, his body going limp underneath you as you straddled him. The dark relief that flooded your system followed promptly by the rising franticness when his puddle of blood seeped out and grew into a great cinnabar red lake. He bledel more than what was in his body but you were too out of it to question it.

It was so real . It felt real. But even though you didn't want to believe him, Luke was anything but a liar and he could never fake any sort of reaction. Tonight, his certainty cemented your psychological downfall. And all you could do about it was cry and cry and cry and hope he didn't stop loving you because of your apparent insanity. So you cried some more into his chest while he continued to stroke the back of your head, even slowly swaying you to and fro, almost like a mother rocking her babe. 

Soon, he started to hum despite your cries. Singing occasional lines about how it will all be okay. About how he will always keep her safe. He did this until your crying, after what felt like hours, finally died out into occasional whimpers and sniffles. You clung to his robe the entire time until your knuckles were whiter than a piece of paper. 

When he felt it was a good time for it, Luke pulled away just enough to be able to look at your face. You glanced up quickly through your lashes but had to avert your gaze. His face fell slightly but he palmed the side of your face nevertheless. His thumb rubbing ginger circles in the space between your eye and your hairline. 

"I really thought you were in danger." You rasped. 

Even though it was all a hallucination, Luke heart swelled at the same time as it broke. You thought someone very dangerous had invaded your home and your first instinct was to make sure he was safe. He: the wise and powerful Jedi knight who saved the galaxy from the dark hold of Darth Vader and the emperor by saving Darth Vader himself. The man who could take on an entire army without taking a blaster shot wound once. The man who was so in tune with the force that he was so in tune with you. It would take death itself and his mother so bring him down and even then, you were sure he'd come out of that even stronger. 

You still wanted to protect him knowing all of this. Knowing he could snap you right in half with just a grip that was a little too tight. It happened once before on accident in a moment of intimacy. He'd gotten a little too worked up and carried away and you ended up with a sprained wrist. 

That was when you realized his true strength. 

"You protected me." He said in a tender voice, eyes filled with potent love and admiration. 

Another year rolled down your eye. He wiped it off before leaning down to kiss away the rest of its salty trail. 

Finally, finally , you reciprocated his hold and grabbed the wrist that was holding you. You shut your eyes, leaning into him as his kisses peppered your whole face until he managed to coax a small smile from you. 

"There she is," he lightly beamed. "Come on, let's get you to bed." 

He started leading you away with a gentle hand on your lower back. 

"Wait, but what about-"

He shushed you again with a light voice while still leading you away. "You let me worry about that. I'll get this all cleaned up and then I'll come and hold you for the rest of the night. And even for the rest of tomorrow if you so wish." 

He held you all night, every night anyway. But it was still nice for him to say it out loud. 

You only mumbled an "okay" every so often as he talked you through him undressing you and wrapping you in his own robes, old white ones he often wore while working on his homestead back on Tattooine. What felt like a whole lifetime ago…

He wasn't super big or buff or anything, but you were a pretty small person so his robes on you almost resembled a dress than a shirt. He helped you slip on a pair of loose bed capris since he knew you hated sleeping without some sort of lower covering. Then he guided you into bed, smoothing out the pillows and everytime before taking a seat right next to you, taking another long moment to stroke your hair. 

"Luke…" your voice was so weak. So defeated. 

His chest ached at it. 

"Yes, sweetheart?"

It took you a long time to finish your thought. You were almost ashamed to even vocalize it, but he was so safe and comforting and you felt so alone in this. This craziness. This hopelessness. 

"I'm so scared…" you finally whispered. You buried your face into the mattress as you shuddered a few more times. 

This wasn't just you declaring your fear. This was your confession to your insanity and he knew it. 

He leaned down to give an intimate kiss to your head, still stroking your hair. 

"I know you are. I will always be here to hold you. I know you're afraid and I will protect you with the force and with my life. No matter what, I will always take care of you. I need you to remember that anytime you lose yourself. Remember my vow." He kissed your forehead. "I will always be with you. Death won't even do us apart." He then missed your eye, which was closed in embarrassment. 

But he felt your fear and tension slowly deflate until you could no longer fight off the much needed sleep clouding your head. 

He made sure you were out peacefully before going to pick up all the lathered towels from the kitchen room floor and mopping up the excess soap and water with fresh dry ones. The process took no more than ten or fifteen minutes and when he was done, he eagerly returned back to your side, slipping in behind you and snaking his strong arms around your stomach from behind. He gave a firm squeeze, earning a little moan from you in your sleep. 

He spent the rest of that night with his head propped on his elbow as he stared at your fragile form, his free hand continuing to rub your head for an indefinite amount of time. At some point, it was more so so comfort himself than it was you. 

He wouldn't tell you, at least not now, that he was also scared. Not of you, and of what you were capable of.

He was scared, no, he was terrified of what you may have to go through. He was terrified that you were cursed to live the rest of your life in crippling terror, always paranoid something was out to get you or him. 

He didn't want that life for you. You deserved so much better, and he hated that your own mind was driving you to madness. 

This wasn't nearly the first time you've experienced something that was never real. But this was the worst it's ever been. And he was afraid you'd never know peace again. 

That was why his resolve to stick by your side only grew stronger and stronger. You were capable, yes. You were strong, you were resilient and you were stubborn as all hell. No matter what, you always fought for the ones you loved and you always fought to understand them as well. To learn. To love. To cherish. But he feared your illness would be too much for you, and be was more than prepared to be strong and saner for the both of you until the end of time.

At some point in the night, his head dipped to rest on top of yours. Only then could he no longer contain his own cries. 

He held you tight as his own tears wreaked havoc on his system. He was silent but he shook with the grief, trying to lessen the shaking by squeezing you even more. You'd sometimes squirm slightly in your sleep but you always ended up somehow even tighter against him. 

"I will protect you no matter what. I love you more than anything, light of my life. I will never lose you, even if you lose yourself."