embarrassinghighschooldiary

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

7/17/07 - Wow. [FINAL ENTRY]

Reading past entries, it looks like I'm in a much better state mentally than I was just a few months ago. I don't really feel that loneliness right now, and I'm not really worried too much about any kind of social things either. Right now I'm just anxious as hell, since I have about 6 days before I find out if I'm moving to Hoboken or not. Just looked at an amazing place for $500/month with apparently cheap utilities and in a nice area. Big room, pretty big place. My worry now is that someone else is going to take it first. I really REALLY want this place. It would just open up a new page in my life, which I've been desperately wanting for a while now. I'd be closer to Jen, near some friends I won't feel weird hanging out with, and close to NYC, where I can hopefully live my dream of getting a job of service and philanthropy there. I long for that kind of life, where the city is close and I can just hop on the PATH and do stuff whenever I feel like it. But of course with it comes some worries--I need to sublet this place for the month of August or I'm out $450, which I just can't afford right now. Also, I have to tell Courtney and Brian that I'm not gonna stay, but I think they may see that coming. Another thing is that my commute is going to eat up a LOT more gas than I've been using, so that's another problem. My insurance will probably go up. But what's a reward without some risks? These are all things that can be solved and hopefully by this time next month, or a few months from now, I can relax and say that I don't regret for a second taking these chances. Shit has a way of working out, even if there's a little collateral damage in the end. This also brings up the question of my job, and what the hell I have to do to get a new one. I keep applying and making the proper follow-up calls. i keep getting voicemails. I try leaving messages, but I realize it's the runaround. If I could just catch a break, I'd be eternally grateful. What I need to always, always keep in mind is that it's all about the journey. The destination is NEVER as memorable as the trip there. Don't rely on being happy a year from now, or a month from now, or even a week from now. Document your days. Work your ass off. Have something to say. Make the trip itself worth it. Not everyone will understand what you're doing, but they're not living this life--you are. Even if you're not really sure why you're doing it, as long as something is drawing you somewhere, embrace it, and follow it. No need to grasp at being happy, or to fear being sad. No need to pray you reach fulfillment or that you stay away from anxiety. Just accept that you're feeling what you're feeling, breathe, and try to understand it. Don't let fear or routine affect what you do. Follow your heart and you will undestand, even if you can't put it into words on paper.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

4/16/07 - (One day, I'll put these all in order and get them all online somewhere so I can burn all physical evidence of this)

Anyway--I feel empty right now. Like, why do I do anything I do? And who do I connect with anymore? I feel like I abandoned Lucy at her most vulnerable because it was the most convenient thing for me, and I still feel guilty about it to this day. I realize actions have consequences and she did her beset to push me away, but I don't think she had any clue it would really happen. And it's sad that nearly 2 years later this still eats away at me. I don't think I'll ever fully get over her. I wish her nothing but the best in life, but I just don't want to know about it. I just hope I did the right thing. I do care a lot about Jennifer though, and I'm glad that I make her happy. I just hope I can feel that same fulfillment one day, because I don't know what it is I'm missing. I just don't know if that connection is there 100%. I don't know if I have any real friends anymore. Eric has become his religious self again, and it's hard to ever talk about anything deep with him without him preaching to me. Dan found Holly and I felt like something I thought I never would when I was over there--a third wheel. Curtis has gone completely Pennsylvanian, and his beliefs and ideals are so far removed from my own that it's hard to reconcile that at this point. I don't know what I think about Holly. She and I get along, but I can't help but see a certain level of immaturity and tactlessness that bothers me a little bit. At this point, I really think I'm closest with Craig, Mike, and the sister, even though I see them all maybe twice a month. It's at times like this I feel like I need to get back in my self-reflective modes, because I'm obviously not at peace with myself if I'm constantly looking for someone ELSE to justify and personally share what I'm feeling. It's stupid and ultimately destructive to think that someone possibly could do that. Since it's bedtime, I'll run down the list: -My job is boring, unchallenging, and pays shit. I need to find a change, quickly. -I'm in a rut in the next-to-college town and want to change my life. -I feel more alone in this world than I have in a long time. I almost feel reverted back to high school mentality, which makes it doubly depressing because at least back then I had college to look forward to. I need sleep. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning--not likely though. This didn't help much.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

11/21/06 - Going through some of my "thought books" (as I called them)...

...from high school always makes me get mixed emotions. Obviously there's the embarrassment of my awkward situations (mostly involving the girls in my life at the time), but I also am intigued at the way I logically worked out my life's problems and how my overall attitude screamed out "FUCK THEM, I'M GONNA DO SHIT THE WAY I WANT TO" Then I fast forward to today, over six years later and I'm still struggling to get by on my own terms, but seem to have hit a wall as of late. I never wanted to walk the path everyone else walked. When it came time to choose a college major, I chose something that was ultimately not the most profitable of courses of study, but interested me and allowed me further insight into a topic I had become passionate about. I wasn't thinking of careers and finances, I just wanted to learn about our nation's labor history and all that was connected to it. So I went through, got my diploma, finished my Master's on the subject, and decided to cross the career bridge when I got there. So now I'm there. I'm currently working a job that isn't particularly interesting or challenging, but pays the bills and doesn't really cause me much stress. It really provides nothing beyond that--financially or personally--so I've decided to look around and check my other options. I really want to work in the city. I don't know if its the desire to become an anonymous face in the crowd again after becoming well-known in my routine here, but it sort of reminds me of the feelings I had before I left the drudges of high school and the hometown for the chance to explore something bigger and newer here in the greater college town area. What bigger stage is there than NYC and its surrounding areas? I don't have to deal with the petty bullshit that comes with the office here, like the cherished middle management role I've found myself in, where I'm responsible for making sure the kids come in on Thursday nights or I hear it week in and out from those above me. I think its time I break out and shake shit up again. I need to start using my rapid-fire application approach, where I throw a bunch of job opportunities against the wall and hope that one or more sticks. For now, I've got exactly ONE longshot hope, but I'm going to do everything possible to get their attention and hopefully I can make an impression on them. For now, it's past 11:30, and I'll be content to read some more of my high school thoughts and try to get to sleep before hearing it from S that no students came in on their scheduled time tonight. Oh boy.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

11/17/06 - So I've come to realize recently that I tend to keep my distance from everyone in my life

I don't think I'm scared of getting too close to them, I think I'm scared of them getting to close to me. I don't like the idea of being able to weigh so heavily in someone's life and affect the way they live their life. I think that's why I'm always attracted to these girls who are seemingly untouchable, and who have their own lives without me. I don't want to hurt Jennifer like I hurt Lucy. I realize that it's completely different, as with Lucy and I, we were sort of an enabling relationship, but I can't help but think I'm going to want to move somewhere, do something, start fresh again. I really want to get out of this college town. Ideally, I could move to the city or outside of it, and work at a job I love and enjoy my youth on my own terms while I still have it. I realize this is the problem for pretty much everyone, but I want the freedom of being single without the loneliness. I can't help feeling that way. The thing is, I really like Jennifer a lot. She's a good person and shares many of my values. But I fear her getting too used to the idea of me in her life. Because I hope she can tell how clueless I am about where I'm going to be in a year, 2 years, 10 years down the road. I'm going to continue applying for jobs in the city, and continue to hang out with the boys, and I'm not really in any rush to settle my personal life before I figure out where I'm headed professionally. I know I want to help people, and I'd like to make enough to not always be broke, but that's another topic altogether. For now, I'm talking about my commitment issues. I'm scared to get too close to anybody. And the sad thing is, so many people reach out to me. My mom always wants me to come home, and when I do, I eat dinner with her and then usually jet to Eric's. The sister came clean to me about her problems, and I listened intently and talked to her, but then went into hiding and never brought it up again. Dad tries calling and tried getting me to open up when we went to visit him, but I was much more comfortable playing my DS and staying quiet. I fear talks with Jennifer, because there's still those blocks I put up that I don't want to have to tear down. Lucy is the only person I've ever completely opened up to, and this was after 2+ years and her constant prodding. I'm so glad she was in my life, because she gave me a vessel to let that all out to. And even with her, I felt like I could hurt her. I really hate the idea that the decisions I make are going to affect so many people in different ways. I don't want the responsibility or the burden of that. I want to be able to live like nobody cares about me, yet I need that positive love in my life and can't really live without it. I just wish I knew why I was the way I am, but that's just me. I hate confrontation, I don't like hurting people's feelings, but at the same time, I'm too self-centered to allow myself to compromise any of my life for someone else.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

10/31/06 - I hate holidays, in all forms.

All it does is highlight how miserable I am right now. I need a change of scenery. Unfortunately that takes money, the one thing I am very short on.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

6/15/06 - Where I'm From

I need to come clean. I'm bottling up too much shit inside of me and I'll never function right without some sort of release. My mother is a lesbian. I've grown up my whole life trying to hide this like it's some dirty secret that would destroy my life if it were to be found out. I've told lies, avoided people, made things up, anything to keep from having to face up to this fact. As a result, it has distanced myself from my mother and my immediate family, and hurt my ability to interact with women on a level basis in my life. I work in a boring, dead-end job, and I make barely enough to live. I know I'm a smart, talented person, and I know I'd be an asset to anywhere I happen to work. I've got the educational credentials and the personality to fit into the right environment but I don't know how to turn my potential and talent into actually doing something I enjoy and can make decent money at. It's not that I'm lazy, because I can work my ass off if its something I feel is worth working toward, but its a matter of finding that calling. I broke up with the love of my life, and I can't see myself ever getting back with her. We had a toxic relationship that was crashing and burning for months before we finally ended it. I'll always love her, and its fucking painful to think the last interaction we'll probably ever have is her email telling me she hates me. We were a tragic couple, and its mostly my fault because I let the relationship get to a point where it was either lay down and accept that my life was going to stay like this, or end it and start life over. I decided to move on and as much as it hurts me, I know that its what I needed to do. It's a shame I still think of her pretty much all the time, because she still affects my mood to this day. I'm currently dating a girl that I'm not that into. She's a really great girl, she's polite, comes from a great family, I get along with all her friends, I enjoy hanging out with her, but she's not what I'm looking for. I haven't even mentioned any of my past with her, nor her me. I don't feel comfortable talking completely honestly with her like I have with others. I think she's cute, but I'm not as attracted to her as I was with others, or am with others. Point blank--I'm not looking to get into a relationship with this girl. Our routine has been--meet up, kiss, kiss more, go to bed, make out, fuck, lay, kiss, kiss, lay, get food, watch TV. Nowhere do we ever really talk about anything of substance, and I can't be with a girl like that. I feel like I'm the girl in the relationship sometimes, but after a 3 year relationship, I know what my needs are, and this isn't filling them. So there it is. The 4 biggest problems in my life--family, money, past love gone by, and problems in current relationship. All great problems to have. I really have to start doing something about them. I guess that's the next step.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

5/3/06 - Any time a relationship ends, this term "closure" comes up

It's a concept that I haven't fully grasped, as I've never really ended a relationship without leaving a vague open-ended "maybe" just hanging there, leaving the two parties no choice but a slow awkward backing away instead of a firm, solid end that pushes us in opposite directions. It is with this in mind that I feel the need to chronicle in the most honest, raw, and true fashion possible the relationship and the girl that changed my life in more ways than I'll ever be able to list. Lucy M-- B-- is a girl that I'll always have a soft spot for, no matter how much grief we have been through together. To this day, after nine full months of being broken up and after dating other people and doing things on our own, all it takes is a text message or a phone call to completely alter my mood for the day--be it positively or negatively. This is the final result. As for how it has gotten to this point, I'll have to go back to the beginning. In the summer after my sophomore year in college, the illustrious University (well, illustrious to out-of-staters, "fallback school" to fellow Jerseyans), I was in a situation where for the first time in my life, I was on my own. At least for 4 days a week. See, I had taken a part-time job over the summer of 2002 at the research library at the school, where I had put in 2-3 hours a week during the semester. Because I was working there Sunday through Wednesday of each week, I had to stay at the apartment which I had signed onto with a friend from my hometown and another U student who he knew. But, being 20 year old tweeners, the majority of kids my age stayed home and worked in their hometowns for the summer, so the normally infested college town, usually swimming with early-20-somethings, was pretty much a ghost town. Add to this the fact that neither of my future roommates were moving in for a couple months and the only furniture I brought was a mattress, a patio chair, a 13-inch TV, and my desk and PC, and you could imagine how quickly the apartment became my personal fortress of solitude. In those few months, I carved out a steady routine for myself. I'd usually wake up around 8, shower, eat a bowl of cereal, watch some World Cup footage (luckily the old resident never called Cablevision to cancel his plan, so I got to sponge off of that for the time being), walk 10 or so blocks to work, come home and make a bowl of pasta, go for a run, play on the dial-up internet, read, write, and go to sleep. Outside of work, I didn't really say more than a few words or really interact with anyone else, up until Wednesday evening, when I'd finish the day of work, and drive to the hometown for the weekly sleepovers at Eric's house and subsequent diner breakfasts on Thursday mornings. The weekend would be the time to spend with family and friends, then I'd get ready to head back to the college town to start the whole routine over again. It was simple, and monotonous, but it was comforting. It was comforting to know just what was up ahead the next day, and the next week, and for the next two months before school started back up. I was in the best shape of my life from eating right and working out every day, I had friends I knew I could trust and count on back home, and there was little to no stress in my life on a day-to-day basis. But it was during this time I also started to want a girl that I could talk to, maybe become interested in or even date. See, while I was comfortable and content with my life as a between-semester college student taking time to relax and unwind, it had been a while since I had any sort of presence of a girl in my life. For my entire sophomore year, I not so much as held a girl's hand, and the few that I had any sort of interest in somehow made their way to one of my 7 male roommates' beds. Prime example--Ag Field Day, 2002. A day where the Ag students hold family events in the daytime and get drunk and rowdy at night. It's the end of the semester, and all the boys decide to go out and hit a few parties. By some stroke of luck, I end up in a conversation with a cute trumpet player named Iris. As we get deeper in talking, I introduce her to my roommates, two of whom must've smelled blood in the water, because before I knew it, they'd jumped in and taken over the reigns. Not one to cockblock, even if I were there first, I stepped aside and vented my frustration to a friend of mine. Long story short, her and my ex-roommate ended up dating upwards of half a year, including during this summer, when I'm by myself and at the point of considering calling the girls I was friends with back in freshman year. This is not the only time something like this happened. So suffice it to say, I was a bit frustrated and at times I would get this feeling that I could only describe as "melancholy", though at the time I didn't know if that was a positive or negative term. Regardless, I felt like even though I was comfortable, and peaceful, there was something missing and I figured a girl was about as unobtainable as possible, especially since I didn't really interact with anyone aside from my boys and my family at the time. But like I stated earlier, all this went away on Wednesday nights, where I'd go to the boys' place, stoop it, play some ball, watch TV, get in fights, drive around, and pretty much do random shit. We were young kids acting young, having fun, and forgetting that there's a stressful path ahead. But even in this group of guys, the inevitable topic of girls would come up. So with this, I made up my mind that I should start getting serious about girls. My summer of testosterone was fun, but like with everything in life, too much of something is overkill, and I needed some sort of female presence to balance things out. Coincidentally, or possibly for the same reasons, my friend Matt had these same feelings, as he explained to me one day. When we realized that we were going through the same dilemmas, we made a sort of unofficial pact that 2002 was going to be our year, and we were going to go out and get girlfriends before we went crazy.-- ---

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

2/21/06 - I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

It's been over 6 months since me and Lucy broke up, and we're STILL fighting on the phone--just like old times. Why do I want to talk to her still? Most people would be baffled that after the volatile relationship we had, I'd still want to talk to her and tell her that I see us together in the future. The thing is, she has such potential. We get along great when its just me and her, and that's really what it comes down to as far as building for the long-term. She doesn't care how much money I make, or how talented I am, or what I do for a living--she just likes me and my personality. Deep down, she doesn't care about money, material things, status--she just wants someone who appreciates her and cares for her. So what went wrong? I'm trying not to have a selective memory here, because I want an archive of EVERYTHING. Was it as simple as her saying that she could appreciate my friends and that's it? If I had a balance and had time to spend with my friends without worrying about checking in to make sure her feelings were in check, would our relationship be smoothed out? There is more though. There were times when she would come over and we'd be in separate corners of the room not saying a word to each other. I remember sitting in silent frustration many times because she had license to do and say whatever she wanted, and I had to tip toe around things. It got to the point where it felt like she owned me, and I forgot about things that made me happy because I spent my entire life's energy attempting to hold her up. "I'll always resent you for what you did" And that says it all. She'll never fully look at me the way she used to, and I can't ever bring that back. And with that, I don't even think I'll be able to look at her the same. This is the girl that couldn't understand what I needed after being told I wasn't as good as my cousin or Courtney for what they do for their girlfriends. She told me that she never loved me. She told me that she hated me. And I sat there and took it all, because I had to be the bigger man throughout it all. And what did that get me? I can't face change, and I don't like people hating me. If I were to cut off all contact with Lucy, I'd have to face both of those fears. She'd hate my guts, and I'd have to find another girl who is non-materialistic, who appreciates my sense of humor, who I'm attracted to, who shares similar values, who understands my life's priorities, and everything else. I'm approaching 24 years old. I'm starting to feel like something's going to have to give here, because I can't just sit and beg for something. I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that Lucy will look at another man the same way she looked at me. And I have to understand that she is more compatible with other people as well. I am too easily guilt-ridden to ever face what she brings head on. Someone like Matt, who can express himself more clearly and allow her to see things from his perspective better--he's the type of guy that will ultimately find happiness with Lucy. They'll have their problems, but because they can both word things so well and get everything off their plate, their problems will be beatable and won't lead to fights like we had. It's all a matter of me being able to swallow my pride, understand that Lucy will one day look back on me as the guy who fucked up her life, and realize that it is impossible to remain friends with someone after having gone through this. After all is said and done, I can't sit and worry what she thinks. I have my own memories, and I have written archives of our fights, and that's all I should need to be able to realize that this relationship was not ever going to work. I'm just stringing her along when I tell her that I see us together in the future. I can't take her out of what will most likely be a match made in heaven, just because I can't stand to see her with someone new, and I can't stand that this someone new will never experience the torture that I went through, simply because he puts his foot down and knows exactly what to say in order to put a halt to that type of behavior. I need to let her go, experience life truly on my own, and wish her the best. Just let the past be the past and let her find true happiness without my interference. That said, she'll be calling me back sometime tonight, and I won't say a single word of what I just wrote down. Because I just want these problems to go away and that's it. End it. Over. Fuck, I hate my life right now.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

2/5/06 - I've spent the last 3 years and change with complete and utter disrespect for myself.

I've let a girl come into my life, completely change all of my priorities, break my heart again and again, forgive her for everything, allow her to trample over everything that felt important to me, completely demoralize me, mentally undermine me, turn me into a shell of the proud, outspoken man I once was, and then move on and fall in love with someone else. It's never been more clear to me than it was tonight. Listening to her make excuse after excuse for why the things he did didn't bother her and why when I would do the exact same things, it would drive her crazy, I saw red. But then I saw clearly. I never respected myself. My life's priorities were her first, me second. It was never equal footing. I refused to let her ever feel the slightest bit neglected. And she took complete and total control of my every thought and action. I lost any kind of credibility, because I didn't have self-respect. I presented myself to her as a doormat, then I would be shocked and amazed when she would walk all over me. I expected blind benevolence from her instead of commanding respect. I put all my own emotion and all my own care into how SHE felt. I wouldn't allow her to ever feel neglected, no matter how ridiculous the reasoning. I'd bend over backwards and wait on her hand and foot to make sure she stayed happy, and when that didn't work and she was still miserable, I would allow myself to be miserable too. I didn't want to be happy if she wasn't. I wanted to show her that I was suffering too, because at least she would know how deeply she could affect my life. I don't know how I expected things to change. I would go day in and day out expecting some revelation and a whole new lease on life. I just had hope that she would see what she did wrong and see everything I did for her and give me the respect I felt I deserved. But I didn't ever put my own priorities first. I always put her ahead of me and never pushed my own agenda. I was scared of fighting with her and I spent my entire life's energy trying to avoid it. And when I got free time? I'd spend it at Eric's, or with the roommates, or somehow distracting myself. I never once actually sat down in silence and tried to figure out how to gain that respect and appreciation I felt I so rightly deserved. My life was spent trying to get from moment to moment walking on eggshells, so that I wouldn't have to go through the absolute hell of arguing about whatever mundane detail of my life was at hand. This was a learning experience. My eyes are wide open as of 2:30 AM on Monday morning, February 5th, 2006. From this day forward, if I don't get absolute respect from the people I come into contact with day-to-day, then they must be cut from my life. No more seeking approval. No more groveling at people's feet. No more sacrificing my own happiness for the happiness or acceptance of others. Be it friends, family, or girlfriends, I will never again let someone take my dignity away from me like that. Because that is exactly what happened. All I needed to hear was how she accepted the way he acted and kept completely quiet about it and made excuses for him. Once I heard that, it all started making sense. She respects him because he respects himself. She saw the fear and cowardice in me, and she exploited it to the fullest. She knew that guilt is my number one weakness and that if she attacked me the right way, she would always win. But I'm not finished yet. I'm a fighter. I've been fighting my whole life. I've always been the odd man out and the one who plays by his own set of values. And for me to have neglected the thing I value maybe most of all--respect--I'd made a horrible mistake. I knew I needed to break up with her for a reason. I knew there was something out there that I needed to learn before I could even consider dating again. I had to push her away into the arms of another man before I could see who I was to her and who I was to myself. I'm 23, nearly 24, and I'm just learning this now. It's kinda sad, because I'm sure people learn this at a much earlier age, and that's why they find these long-lasting, healthy relationships by my age. I think I'm ready now. I'm ready to finally enter a mature relationship, in which respect is absolutely necessary, and it's not just an option when she feels like it. Lucy has provided me with immeasurable perspective on life, and she has taught me more than she'll ever know. But it's time to look back fondly and move toward the future. It's time to enter the next phase of relationships. One built on mutual respect and compassion for one another. One in which there are limits and boundaries, but also unlimited potential and opportunities. There will be fighting and more arguments and all that, but it will never be like it was before. You must respect my life and my ability to be happy, and I will always respect yours. Of course, my first instinct will always be to hope that Lucy comes to this same understanding and we end up together in the future. But after what we have been through, it seems almost obvious that it'll never happen. And I'm going to have to find my long-term love with another girl who has reached the level of maturity that I have discovered tonight.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

12/15/05 - Everything he does is right

He's Mr. Perfect. Mr. Personality English major. Shakespeare reader romantic. Life of the party. Everyone's best friend. And here I am. Disrespected, treated like dirt. No apologies, no understanding. "Oh, he was with his friends. He didn't remember. He broke a promise but I don't mind. Everything he does is right, and who am I to tell him what I don't like." He called you "exotic". He's nothing more than a plastic smile and a real good sales pitch. Fucking psycho. Maybe it's just that he's honest. Right up front. And she can't call him out on anything. So he's loud, but it's funny. When I'm loud, I'm obnoxious. But it's because that's "him". I can't fucking take it. I tell her I smoke, she flips out. "My whole image of you is shattered". He smokes directly in front of her, AFTER she tells him not to smoke it in front of her. And he's "just being him". She makes excuses for him. Tolerates him. Puts up with him. Meanwhile she has to tell me all this without even realizing it'll hurt me. "I'm scared you're going to become a distant memory" Goodbye to me and you Goodbye to the life we knew One last long embrace Then go and walk on through Goodbye to me and you Goodbye to the things we knew Wipe the tears from your eyes Then go and walk on through You didn't ever respect me. And how could I possibly blame you for that, when I didn't even respect myself? I tried playing the martyr. Tried letting you walk all over me in hopes that you would see the real me, but you never did. You saw the idealized version of me for nearly 3 years. And it took you only one month to see him for who he really is. I've learned and I've grown and I realize that "all about you" gets neither of us anywhere. Without respect for myself I will never find a girl to respect me. You'll never treat me with respect. Not after the way our relationship was. I'll find respect for myself and you and him can have your mature relationship. No more tears No more laughter No more anger and frustration Just peace. I'll always love you for what you taught me. I have to make something of myself before I ever look to a girl for validation.

[ Bouncing Souls - Night Train: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJ6vXMZmelo - (song quoted above)]

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

11/30/05 - I'm glad I've kept a journal for these 5 or so past years

Because I feel like I'd romanticize my life otherwise and long for the days of my youth. It's sort of comforting to imagine that I really have made progress in my life and don't really cringe at the thought of my day-to-day experiences. That said, I'm still longing for a future. I'm still waiting on when I'm gonna find the right girl, find a job I love, be able to buy a house, get a dog--all the things that friends and acquaintances have already accomplished. I don't want to be the guy who dreams all the time and never acts, because without action, nothing will get accomplished. I'm GOING to write a book. Maybe two or three. Maybe a whole series of them. But first I need an idea. I've got access to libraries, B&N, online databases, etc. It's just a matter of finding an angle and exploiting it. Maybe if I read more creative endeavors, I'll get inspired. I've just gotta keep jotting notes down and tease them out, expound on my little thoughts and write as much as I can. Eventually, I'll hit on something that feels like gold, and I'll make something that creatively satisfies me. In the meantime, build my skills, create new things, keep inspired, and don't settle too much into a routine. Set a goal, and accomplish it. That's what I need to do.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

11/9/05 - It's starting to approach a "shit or get off the pot" time

I need to make a move soon and deal with the consequences. This weekend is booked solid, with Curtis' house Friday night, Lucy's cousin's party on Saturday, and going out with Craig one of those days. But after all has settled, I'm still stuck with a dilemma. I can't go back with Lucy, but I still feel guilty about finding someone new. Now, I've been under the delusion that if I somehow got Alicia to talk to Lisa, that I would be able to work my courage up enough to take her out and see what happens from there. It's funny, but she's the only one giving me hope right now, because without her, I wouldn't know where to turn to find girls. I can't imagine what it would be like telling Lucy that I'm going out with a girl. I know she'd be crushed and devastated, and I hate seeing her sad, so that's almost why we're going to eventually have to grow apart so we don't hurt each other. I need to try to sleep now, I'll elaborate on this soon.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

10/18/05 - Amazing.

A little over 2 months ago, I had a steady girlfriend who I thought I was going to be with for a very long time. I had my doubts about how far we could go, but we found a way to keep it together for a while. But like I've always said, I need to focus on the here and now, and not on the past. Learn from the past and use it for the future. I'm trying to do what's right and whats best for me. I think I fear change. I don't want to work full-time. I'd rather teach, write, research, etc. Tomorrow is my last day at the library. I'll never have to park at the meter again, never have to feed it every 2 hours, my responsibilities go up, my fucking around time goes down, I start focusing on what I need to do to improve my life. I turned down a $42,000 job because I feel like I would be using my skills to effectively work against the labor movement. Also, I don't really like the nights and weekends part. I've accepted a job around $30,000--maybe a little more, maybe a little less. Thank God I'll have full benefits and get a steady income, because I can't remember the last time I wasn't scared of the coming months, money-wise. One thing I need to do--save my money. I won't be making all that much, so I need to really spend sparingly. That other money was my fun money, just spend at will. Now, I need to grocery shop, cook at home, and stay away from material possessions. I have my car, my apartment, and my bills sucking up all my money as it is. No need to spend money on anything else. What can I afford? Well, I have to budget myself based on my paycheck. Once I get that first paycheck--like a month down the line--I need to work it out from there. And save as much as I possibly can save this first year. They want me there for 2 years, but if something exciting and better paying comes up, I'm going to say that one year from the job offer--Septermber, or maybe even August of '06--is long enough. If I really need references, then Y will have to do--maybe S. And for the girlfriend thing, I still cry here and there, but I just have to learn to put it off. There's too much else going on. Maybe I can try Lisa, but who knows where that'll head. Anyways, it's 1:15 AM and I'm wired--maybe it's the Green Tea I had. I really gotta try to get to sleep, because I need to wake up in a little over 6 hours.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

10/?/2005 - Lets take this from a more relatable, and maybe even humorous, scenario

So, I'm recently broken up. Something I noticed about my break-ups, it's a constant back and forth of wanting to get that last word. Some are more blatant, like the girl will scream out "I CHEATED ON YOU", and the guy will respond "I CHEATED ON YOU...WITH YOUR SISTER". girl: "he had a bigger dick than you!" guy: "I hope so, because you're so loose you could give birth and not notice till you hear the baby crying" ...and it just gets worse with each response until you've both basically wished death upon everyone you both have ever known. I guess the break-up is official when you've run out of insults. That sucks when you think of one like 6 months later. You almost want to go run into them somewhere just to be like "hey, you shop here too? Huh, whattaya know..by the way, your lazy eye makes you look like Biggie Smalls" But my break-up was a lot more subtle than that though. It was more like a series of mixed compliments and slight insults, but we both wanted to be the "bigger person" so much that we couldn't just spit out why we were pissed. It was more of a contest to see who could make the other person feel worse before we cut off all communication with each other. Such awkward conversations after a break-up, too. Why the hell does the girl want to keep talking? I'm sitting there, thinking... "ok, it sucks I don't have this girl anymore, but at least I can go and drink with my friends without constantly having to check my cell phone for calls/texts/etc. At least I can go smoke pot here and there without trying to pretend I'm not high/burnt when I see her next. "What's so funny?" "What? Nothing, I'm not laughing" "Are you okay?" "Huh?" I figure the best part of the break-up is the freedom that comes with being single. I mean, of course you have the shitty feelings and all the loneliness, whatever. It's a tradeoff for being able to say an off-color joke without turning around and seeing that look on her face. It's a tradeoff for being able to go home after work and not worry about entertaining her.

I can actually cook dinner for myself now!

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

10/17/05 - So, I'm still feeling pretty bummed out and confused

...about losing Lucy in my life. I am happy that she is taking it well and not blaming me, and I have faith that she will find love with another man. Maybe it's just pride fucking with me, but I hate to think of her with another man, or forgetting about me, or even badmouthing me. I'll always love her, and I hope that one day in the future, we can be friends again. I REALLY hope she doesn't forget about me. Because I'll never forget about her. I still love her, and I guess that's what makes this so hard.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

10/15/2005 - Flash Fiction (a writing exercise: 300-1000 words)

The moment couldn't have lasted more than 5 seconds. A blank, unapologetic stare appeared, his mouth clamped shut, his button-down humor was nowhere to be found, and he repeated himself. This was the culmination of the conversation. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She looked at him as if she were trying to will some sort of humanity out of him, but he glared back even more intently as if to resist any potential urge, almost daring her to say something to challenge him. He knew that if he stared hard enough, she would understand that questioning him was a wasted effort, because there's no sense of empathy to appeal to. Keep the conversation pragmatic at all costs, and don't even think about bringing conscience into it. He didn't get to his position by pandering to abstract theories, and nowhere in his world was such a thing welcomed. Act accordingly within the rules, and leave the consequences for someone else to deal with. Their eyes remained locked. She had a look of confusion and anticipation on her face, blindly hoping he was going to say something to put her mind at ease. She explored his eyes in hope that they would soften, but instead found something much more revealing. In that moment, it all made sense. Everything he said and did up to this point was consistent with this. She suppressed that empty feeling in her stomach. Her knees buckled and her hands trembled, but she steadied herself that very instant. It felt almost euphoric for her, as her eyes hardened, her chest tightened, and her thoughts clouded. A sheepish smile crept onto her face, as she realized that all that anguish was unnecessary, and she felt embarrassed that she ever questioned him to begin with. Their stare lingered for one more brief moment, before he turned away and got back to work. She looked at her feet, sat down next to him, and put the TV on, the conversation they just had being the furthest thing from her mind.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

10/13/05 - Time to vent, old-fashined style.

No more bullshit editing in the blog so I don't hurt feelings. Time to get it all out and all down, even if it is 12:30 and I have work tomorrow. She told me she is going to wait for me. She gives up on dating and has no intentions of being with anyone but me. I'm "the one" for her, and she doesn't want anyone else, even if I've told her that I can't be in a relationship with her. Ultimately, it looks like I'm the one keeping her around, because I won't date any other girls, and I won't tell her that it's over for good. I'm trying to be honest with myself here. When she comes over and says "I'm leaving at 6", I start looking at the clock and I start counting down the hours until she leaves. Why? Maybe I don't enjoy the time we spend together anymore. It feels like there's always something better I could be doing than hanging out with her, because I don't feel like I like the person I am when I'm with her. I feel uncomfortable, and sad, and feel like I share nothing in common with her. We went through the hard part already, and now it feels like I have an out and I want to take it. I still don't feel like I've even had any time to miss her. She's constantly IMing me, telling me to update LJ, texting me, emailing me, calling me--it never ends. So what do I do? What will ultimately make me happy? I think I'd be happiest with another girl. Someone that understands ALL sides of me, including my fun ("obnoxious") side. I feel like I kept too much bottled up when we dated, and that led to me not really being myself. She fell in love with just a part of me, not the whole thing. When she saw those extra sides, the parts that make me fully rounded, she hated them and started shooting them down, because it didn't fit into her idealized image of me. I can't go back into it. Like Matt told me, once you've put that much effort and sacrificed that much time into a relationship, and it blows up in your face, you never feel the same way about that girl. Thing is, beyond her finding individuality, beyond her smothering me, beyond all of that there was a simple truth that is now completely obvious--she never respected my needs. And she still doesn't. I needed to have the freedom to hang out with friends. She only granted that sometimes, and usually she'd call to put a downer on the night anyways. I enjoy sports. She made sure that I dreaded Sundays, because it was always about HER. Her day, her happiness, her life. I was just there for the ride. And I sacrificed so much. While you're in the relationship, you sacrifice and it all seems justified. Don't want to shake shit up too much. Law of inertia, I suppose. Once something starts moving, it keeps moving, and it'll wreck smaller things in its way just to keep moving. But when it's stopped it takes a lot of force to get it moving again. Usually, that force is a mutual attraction, finding things in common, enjoying each others' company, missing each other--the ball starts rolling--then going on dates, getting physical with each other, having deeper conversations--ball rolls faster--meet each others' families, friends, plan things together, act together--ball almost feels like it can't be stopped. Until, the break-up. Something stupid comes along and all of a sudden it all comes out. What she doesn't like about you, what you don't like about her, why you can't agree on anything--ball slows down--an insult, yelling at each other, putting each other down, feelings of guilt, anger, confusion--ball is nearly stopped--and all this force going the wrong way finally stops the ball and now it needs that force from way back when to get it rolling again. Lucy's ball never stopped. It might have slowed down, but she still feels like the relationship kept going through the breaking up-hate each other-"friendship"-stages. Mine's stopped. It's dead. The only way it can possibly be resurrected is if I get those feelings again, which I don't have. I have lingering feelings about Lucy herself, because I still do love and care for her, and I do want the best for her. But as for the relationship? I don't think I can ever get that ball to start rolling again. I'll be going into the relationship with too many doubts and too many questions, and I can't just rely on faith to put me through it. I think I need to at least experience life with another girl to see if I feel like my ball is rolling or if looking back with fond memories of Lucy would do it. Right now, it won't budge, and all the guilt trips and all the time of Lucy waiting in the world won't get it to move again.