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sometimes you gotta bite the bullet and put "text your friend whom you love and genuinely want to talk to" on your to-do list because otherwise it is not getting done

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i gotta be honest that weird little emo creature who made you a cookie but then eated it only had itself to blame

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Some names just sound so ridiculously fake that had they been fictional, people would’ve rolled their eyes in complete disbelief. Like seriously. Wdym there’s a mf called Galileo Galilei. Stfu. You just made that up

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"hurts because i need to move more" and "hurts because i need to not move it at all" should really be different sensations. i should be able to troubleshoot my own body without just picking one and seeing if that makes it worse.

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Arches National Park, Utah photo: Elliot McGucken

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xkcd fans are the only fandom I've had direct experience with where people do the stereotypical nerdy fan thing of referring to installments of the thing they like by their release order numbers instead of their titles

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One of my favourite "modern jobs" is that of the bicycle courier. Sure, couriers have been around for centuries – just ask the dude who really screwed up his arches doing the first marathon. Bicycle couriers, though, bring that anarchic bicyclist energy to the already frazzled life of getting envelopes full of things across town.

There's simply nothing like pulling up to an intersection and watching someone engage in an elaborate and death-defying ballet of aluminum and gears. Stairs don't stop them. Traffic won't hold them up. Once, I saw a guy ramp his bike off a playground slide and over a fence "as a shortcut." I personally would not ride my bicycle directly under a rolling freight train in order to save fifteen seconds on a delivery, but that's why you're paying these psychos and not me. Hell, I might decide the whole thing is just too much like work and go home instead.

Now, you might think, as I did, that it is a mere relic of the 90s. Another urban legend to be lost to antiquity like "retirement" and Hypercolour t-shirts. By now, you believe, all contracts must be signed online. Up in the Everlasting Cloud. There can be simply no need to physically go between two offices, and risk getting run over by a truck delivering rye bread. Not so. Bicycle couriers are in fact bunny-hopping their beat-up old rigs across a downtown near you every single day, even if it's just to deliver a bowl of ramen to a senior partner.

The next time you see one of these suicidal lunatics in traffic, don't get upset that they're getting where they're going before you do. Respect their unorthodox lifestyles. Salute them. And maybe fear them a little bit. Because when it comes time for your boss's boss's boss to deliver a very small item a very short distance in an extremely short time, they're there to potentially get run the fuck over by a Nissan Armada and look good doing it.

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one of my favorite tropes in chinese literature is when a guy’s wife is clearly a ghost/demon/fox fairy and he just can’t see it. i’m reading a story where this guy keeps getting arrested because his wife will just magically steal steal shit out of sealed boxes and give it to him as a present, and whenever someone is like dude i think something’s up with his wife he asks her and she’s like i’m literally normal. so he turns around and says yeah guys she’s literally normal

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Comic of this here.

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Comedy series about an evil wizard where in every episode they discover some Ancient Secret of Magic that will allow them to surpass their rivals and bring the world to its knees, and every episode they learn the hard way why modern wizards don't do it that way anymore.

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The stapler could never be invented today.

If you tried to present investors with a simple, yet ingenious hand-operated mechanical device that both inserts and folds a staple with one swift motion, with no AI or wi-fi connection or data-collecting abilities, they would look at you funny and tell you "that's a stapler, it was already invented."

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trying to forget about her..

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Actually watching breaking bad is fucking hilarious. Like for ages walter white has been presented to me as this cool tough smartguy and he’s genuinely the dumbest motherfucker on earth. These business strategies would sink a regular business, he’s fully clueless about the realities and risks of selling illegal substances and just hands those things off to a guy who keeps telling him “dude yo this is a bad idea”