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An Open Letter

Hi Euphy,

This is mom. You are one thing that hasn't happened yet. But, I have loved to the moon and back already.

You will be my child with your father, Kean. You will be our fruit of love. The epitome of love beyond reason. We wanted you so bad. I want you so bad, my love. I want to have you, to finally carry you in my arms. And love you and give you the life your father and I envisioned for you. A life full of life— laughter, light, home.

The thing about me and Kean is that we are both broken in our own ways. We have our own gaps, mishaps, challenges. And we tried our best. We are still trying our best. You know what, we are miles away from each other. He's away with your lolo's family, his dad. And I am here in our country with my family. There's so many conflict, bickering, pain, hurt, suffering, tears we mum to ourselves. Things we still haven't said to each other. At this point, we still don't know if we are to end up with each other. I want to, but I cannot speak for your father. He is his own person.

Euphy, my love, there are things I am not sure if your father and I can work now. I am not even sure if I will ever have you. He's given your name. He loves your name. And I loved you as I love your father. Then I eventually genuinely loved you. If your father and I will not end up together, you will still exist. But with another mom. A woman perhaps he'd be with and will love so much for no reason. A woman he'd be willing to be with without unfathomable reason as love is too complex to explain and comprehend.

He's a man of reason. And I both love and hate that about him. But beyond all the things I don't like about your father, comes a genuine love and unthinkable sense of comfort and commitment I have for him. He's a great guy. Funny in his own little cranky jokes. And I know, by how he had been to his family, that he will be a great father.

Euphy, I love you. And I wish to have you. And know, that if I will not be the woman that will bring you out to this world, there is me that have loved you when you're not here just yet. I hope you will feel my love for you, my daughter. I hope to see you in the future.

Love,

Mom

[enwdefnyddiwr]

Good to be back.

[enwdefnyddiwr]

[enwdefnyddiwr]

Gunting, Bato, Papel

Bato-bato pik noon pa ma'y atin nang laro Susundan pa nga ng chinese garter at piko Laman ng kalsada umaga hanggang hapon Hanggang paguwi sa baha at tatalon-talon

Gunting, bato, papel saan nga ba makikita? Laro ng mga bata doon sa kalsada Nagdudulot sa kabataan ng lubhang kasiyahan At matatagpuan din sa loon ng tahanan

Ikaw para sakin ay parang gunting na panggupit Ikaw ang gumipit sa aming sungay na pumupuslit Ikaw man ay pumurol at mawalan ng talim Tandaan mo sanang ang pagmamahal namin sa iyo ay ubod ng lalim

Oo, alam ko, madalas tayong mag-away Dumadating tayo sa puntong tumatalsik na ang iyong laway Ngunit kahit ano pa man, kalinga mo'y hinahanap Pagkat ikaw ang tanging ilaw na walang sawa kong tititigan ng walang kakurap-kurap

Bato ang perpekto na panghambing sa iyo Nag-iisa at bukod tanging bat ng buhay ko Sayo ang tibay at tatag ng pamilyang ito Hindi tayo makukumpleto't buo kung hindi dahil sa iyo

Oo, alam ko, hindi tayo madalas mag-usap Maswerte na nga sa atin ang limang pangungusap Ngunit sa lahat ng parte ng bahay ang gusto kong laging puntahan? Ito ang haligi ng tahanan

Para kang papel kung ako'y protektahan Bumabalot sa akin ang iyong pagmamahal Alam ko na ikaw ang paborito kong papel sa buhay At alam ko na ako ang lapis na bubuo sa ating hanay

Oo, alam ko, para tayong aso't pusa Away dito, away doon, oo, walang sawa Ngunit ikaw at ikaw lang ang kuyang hihilingin sa tala Dahil noon pa ma'y ikaw na ang kapatid na aking tinitingala

-A

~~

I made this poem during College and I passed this as an output to one of our subjects. I dedicated this poem to my family who was away from me during that time. 

[enwdefnyddiwr]

Fck.

[enwdefnyddiwr]

Is it just me or y'all too have moments where in you just want to listen to sad music? Where you just wake up one day and you're just...sad. Like you didn't even know what made you sad. And then it made you wanna watch sad movies, listen to sad songs, cry silently in your bed until you're tired crying. Maybe unconsciously, it's our self that's behind. You know all the pent up frustrations, anger, disappointments, constant rejections, pains, burden and all sort of that thing piled up and then burst into a day or days of acknowledging it and mending it by just being sad. And it's really hard to know how to actually cope with the feeling that you just pretend from people that you aren't sad which will only add on to your lists. :(

[enwdefnyddiwr]

Just wanna drop this here

[enwdefnyddiwr]

I am so fcking lonely.

[enwdefnyddiwr]

I want effort more than anything else. I want to be courted as those old people does it. Serenading me. Sending love letters to me. Giving me flowers. Telling me how beautiful I am whenever I feel not. Surprise me. Make me feel loved. Make me laugh. Care for me. Make time for me. Just simply make me feel. Make all of these this time. If you can't then I can never invest in you. I'm done receiving what you just want to give. Give me all of you cause I trust you with all of me. When I love, I give it all cause that's what he deserve. And I think I deserve to receive the same intensity of love that I give as well.

[enwdefnyddiwr]

Your name doesn’t make me smile anymore 🥀

[enwdefnyddiwr]

It's been days since we broke up and it was weird really. I don't feel any sort of negative feeling about our breakup. I don't miss you saying sweet nothings to me. I don't long for you anymore. I don't even expect you to beg for me to come back. And what's more weird is that, this feeling is the extreme point of what I have been feeling the whole time of our relationship. I can survive my day even without your presence since that is what I'm used to. I then randomly went to my notes and see my past entries about us. Looking back at those, it was all a silent and kept truth. Everything about those entries are what I have been avoiding all throughout our relationship. There, was the truth that we had a messed up relationship. That there was already lacking something in us but we kept it unknown from each other all to "save" us. But look where we are now. Even so, I know that you are a good person. You are a good friend. But maybe we aren't just the right partner for each other. Maybe we have mistaken that spark or connection as something romantic when in reality we are destined to be just friends. Because we are good friends even before this whole thing happened. And maybe this is the best thing that happened to us. The breakup. Not just in our lied relationship but also to the never ending secrets.

[enwdefnyddiwr]

Things are now starting to make sense. I am bound to be alone for the rest of my life. And fck it cause I don't give a fck.

[enwdefnyddiwr]

“No. No, I don’t believe you’d betray me with her. I don’t believe you’d cheat on me. But I’m afraid, and I’m sick in my heart that you might look at her, then at me. And regret.”

— J.D. Robb, Innocent in Death (via thegoodvybe)

[enwdefnyddiwr]

I used to write poems. I miss doing that. I miss my old self where I am able to compose poems whatever the situation I am in, whenever I felt like writing one, and wherever place I was. But recently I can't make one anymore. It was a long time already since I'd last composed a poem. I don't what had happened. It was the only change in me that I never wanted. I just want to have that urge back. The same urge that makes me inspire other people and the same urge that has been my outlet for a long long time. I just miss that part of me, that's all. I miss the old me.

[enwdefnyddiwr]

😢💔

[enwdefnyddiwr]

I have so many things running in my head right now. I am sad. I am depressed. I am in my utmost confused stage in life. Many times I was wondering to finally end it but can't. Cause I can't disappoint my parents. I am in the edge of self-destruction. But every time I'm on my last step to it I manage to find meaning. Meaning to stay. Meaning to keep on stepping back. Many times I wondered the what if's. And many times I wanted to ask questions but didn't say a word. I have so many unanswered questions from people who are close to me. People who are important to me and made a huge impact in my life. Like "how was the feeling when you used me?", "when will you stop making expectations for me?, "Who really was she to you?", "Where do I stand in your life?", "What have I ever done?", "Who am I to you?" and "when can I let go of the nightmare you'd given me?". So many unanswered questions that I don't know if they could ever answer or that I could ever ask them. I just want to let go of the heavy feeling. The absurd reality of life indeed. I am free but I'm not.

-BGW

[enwdefnyddiwr]

I have so many things to say to you. But have no courage to do so. I wanted to tell you I am not okay. I wanted to tell you I don't feel good. And I wanted to tell you that I need you right now. Not telling you this all when that's all I wanted, I say, means being unreasonable or what. But this is me trying to feel out of you that there is someone who senses my discomfort, my agitations and my sadness without me telling you. I just don't need someone who is only there in my sunshines, what matters to me most is someone who senses the storm that is about to consume me and someone who can be with me during my rains and in my thunders. Are you?