escapingmyrealityforanotherone

[escapingmyrealityforanotherone]

Is it time?

Hello fellow tumblrers. 

I’m new to this. I usually just reblog everything nice&cute and have little to no input on anything because I do not know the tumblr etiquette. 

The online world is so vast with so many different things shared daily. People’s lives shouldn’t be what I look at with envy. I want to be them. Maybe not as extravagant as I am not in a position where I can just leave and never come back. I have 2 old dogs and a young one. It would not be fair for me to tell my parents, “Hey, can you take care of them while I find myself and the meaning of life? Thanks.” I also am not wealthy and  have a credit card/mortgage/car payment/student loans, etc. 

If I gave up  everything to “find myself,” I would love to go explore Vietnam. My mother is from Da Nang and my father is from Saigon. I would like to walk down the same streets they did growing up. I want to know where they had their first date.  I want to go to the hospital my mom had my sister alone because my dad boarded a ship to find a better life for them abroad. There are so many things I want to understand more that I won’t be able to do while I’m here in America. Sad thing is, they haven’t even had a chance to go back to Vietnam since they left because they slave away in a kitchen to give my sister and I a better life.

Now here’s where the guilt comes in: I didn’t become a successful doctor, lawyer, pharmacist, etc. I’m not even happy in the field that I am in and want to leave my job every day. 

I’ve been a police officer for 5 years. 6 months into the job I found out it was a mistake. I got a stupid criminology degree for this job. I wasted 5 years in college I was going to major in Chinese and go abroad and travel but I opted in working immediately to get out on my own. Big. Mistake. I should have taught English. I would have been more happy (I think). I thought I would be saving lives and be someone’s super hero. It’s not like that, at least not now. I consider myself a decent cop. I’m not great but I’d like to think that I treat people with dignity and am empathetic. But that’s worthy of its own post.  I’m sorry mom and dad, but I actually want to be in a kitchen like you guys. I want to become a chef. I want to cook things for people and share the meals I had from my mom and grandmas growing up. I know the amount of work that has to be put in. I know how hard it is. I also know that the money flow isn’t always going to be constant depending on the market. 

In the end though, I know that one of the biggest reasons I want to go into the restaurant business is because there’s a chance that I can make enough money to take care of my life. Police pay plus my boyfriend’s salary is not enough for us to take care of both our families. People hear me say this and they think I’m crazy that I want to take care of my parents/our parents. What they don’t understand is that I love my parents and will do whatever it takes to make sure they can survive without  relying on government aid. They worked way too hard for them to not be able to retire. They put all their eggs in one basket by hoping I became rich and successful and I kind of dropped the bullet on that one. I had my fun in college and I experienced life as a cop. 

I strayed off from my original reason for this post. I will quit my job. I will enjoy my life. And I will work hard to support my family. I just need to confront my fear of leaving my “safe ordinary life” for a future of uncertainties.