essential-existential

[essential-existential]

unplugged in the night,

my dad a generator,

running on empty.

[essential-existential]

All around me In the air hangs a wreath Of blackest bile and smoke That only I can see

I open up my heart And let it all in And it kills all my love And hope for everyone

[essential-existential]

i'm enraged and engulfed

in my own flames;

i'm a choking hazard with no warning--

i create to destroy--

everything sets me off

its like i don't even have a fuse

i'm already lit up

and i don't know what to do.

i haven't been able to breath in years

and i fear i am just another

wisp of sorry smoke

[essential-existential]

𝙰𝚞𝚐𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝟹, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟽 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙳𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝙾𝚏 𝙵𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚣 𝙺𝚊𝚏𝚔𝚊, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟺-𝟷𝟿𝟸𝟹

[ID: August 3. Once more I screamed at the top of my voice into the world. END ID]

[essential-existential]

the hot summer sun is unbearable

yet the work does not cease.

a big black bruiser of a bear stalks my yard

for compost scraps, trash: the mad dash

to get fat before the winter fast.

i yell at him to leave and he shrugs, unperturbed.

the rats pour in from the fields, nesting in my walls,

and disturb my rest with their whispers.

i hit a deer on my way home, her doe eyes pleading

from the grass when i appeared with my light,

her legs unable to bear her weight, another goner.

the blueberries come ripe, plump and innumerable:

the bush well nursed bears the most fruit.

and how i tire from it all--

i carry so much unseen, untranslatable.

walt was wrong with his multitudes:

it is surely I contained within them.

[essential-existential]

The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas

[essential-existential]

would you really rush out?

[essential-existential]

out the window, in the lilac bush:

two little robins, gathering twigs;

mustering all their mighty strength

their bold beaks and delicate wings--

they fluttered and fought with sticks,

finding those of appropriate length and width,

two speedy guys trying their very best,

to finish, in spring, a sturdy nest.

you took my hand and showed me their spot,

behind the thicket, it was revealed, all

their toil, to produce a healthy lot--

and then you made me watch them fall.

[essential-existential]

and suddenly there's you, in the spotlight on the stage

set in my brain;

the bulb flashes on brightly,

vivid and effervescent.

and then, there's me, yes,

i am in the audience,

a murderer of your memory.

i strain to hear your voice, but,

there's only a vague, permanent silence.

the poor rendition ends as fast as it began,

and i wonder...

why did i sneak in?

[essential-existential]

Eternity's in a moment:

Tomorrow's so far away,

Fossilized in the present--

Forever ago--Yesterday!

[essential-existential]

it's april, and everyone is over

winter, and how it lingers

long, long past its fair share.

but somehow i've grown attached!

something in the rough cut of the wind, her

shorter days and dark nights reflect in me

a tenderness: i can ignore my friends,

not respond to their correspondences--

no different than the dead who do not write.

i need not feign some poignant speech--

the cold air is a harsh but simple truth.

a fresh coat grows for another male avoidant;

yet just as i've worn it in, a new season begins,

and it is time for me to thaw my skin.

[essential-existential]

to be abandoned

not by fate or circumstance

but by choices made

[essential-existential]

i can't write anymore:

my eyes to the sun--

my pen to the blank page runs

and averts its gaze like prey.

i have nothing more to offer,

save the ramblings

akin to a high pitched wind

cutting the night

in a cold desert storm.

the hawks stalk from the sky,

waiting for me to wake

to begin their hunt.

[essential-existential]

Winter is not soft,

it is a constant reminder;

a beckoning of the dark 

and unreturned--

i am hopeless

against its current:

a cold and windy strife,

a ceaseless notion 

already lost to me--the fall

we've endured only

to drop further 

into its beyond--

somehow broken and breaking 

the pieces scattered in the snow,

i find its remnants:

buried and melting 

[essential-existential]

"The world is unfair, Hoh. They looked the other way when things were taken from us, and got in our way when we tried to take. But now that I think about it, I've never fought like that before. I always make excuses. I've never risked my life for anything. I always regret things once they're taken from me. No matter the outcome, I wonder what would've happened if I'd stood up to them just once. Maybe I never stood a chance at winning in my life. But if I'd faced them, maybe my heart wouldn't feel so empty right now. But the road you flee down keeps on going. You can't do anything if you're not alive. You could have been a great man."

--Tower of God

[essential-existential]

"Never betray anyone, no matter what happens, especially not girls."

"Wh-Why not?"

"Because betraying a girl is the same as making an enemy of the entire world."

--Tower of God

[essential-existential]

Baby, I'm a firefighter Trapped in a burning house In a silent picture And there is no way out Except to watch the love between us die