estrellapolaris

[estrellapolaris]

2021, you were the 1

It just dawned on me while writing this post that although much has happened in my life this 2021, I haven’t shared much about the stuff I’ve been up to here on this blog... and I’d like to see that as a sign of progress. I originally created this blog 5 years ago as a safety retreat from privy eyes. I’ve always been open about my thoughts but I feel anxious about what people might say or think. Until this year, I promised myself to take big leaps in getting over that: so I started publicly sharing my writings on other platforms other than this blog. And it has done wonders for my self-growth.

1. Did the year feel long or short?

The year, as a whole, definitely felt short. But there were months that felt long. When I saw some pictures of the US Presidential Inauguration on Twitter just recently, I couldn’t believe how that was something that happened just early this year. It felt like it happened in 2020. The concept of time, ever since March 2020, has been weird.

2. Personally do you feel like you’ve grown or regressed?

Grown. Definitely. It’s nice that I can finally get to say that the seeds I’ve planted for myself in the past couple of years are finally bearing fruit. I feel happy that I got to witness it myself and so for 2021, I felt more open to growth and what it can bring for oneself over time.

3. Does this time of the year make you anxious or excited?

Usually, I’d feel a mix of being excitedly anxious and anxiously excited. This came from a place of wanting to be in control of my life’s script - especially now that I’m done with college and my life doesn’t seem to be following a standardized-societal script anymore. And yet, the most impossible blessing became possible to me this 2021 at a time where I didn’t try and take control of the script for once. So ultimately, this time of the year doesn’t make me feel anything anymore. It’s neither the beginning nor the end. It’s just another day of life. Although, I’m also pretty glad it’s the holidays because I can finally catch up on sleep and all the films I’ve been wanting to watch all year.

4. What’s one thing you could do now that you couldn’t a year ago?

I now feel more self-assured than ever. It is only I, and I alone, who can define myself. I define my own happiness. 

5. Name one reason you’re relieved this year is over.

Just ONE reason? I have tons!  1.) I’m glad that MTLE is over and I passed. It’s such a refreshing feeling knowing that I carried myself really well through that ordeal and passed the board exam with honest hard work. It finally put to bed all the years of self-doubt I’ve put on myself after failing so many standardized exams. 2.) I’m relieved that I mentally got through the difficult months that came after passing MTLE despite everyone’s expectations, as well as the many rejected job applications. 3.) I’m also relieved that despite everything I’ve gone through in college, I was invited to do the batch graduation speech. It was the best and only way of concluding my journey in that chapter of my life. I’m still humbled until now that I got the recognition I deserved, from the right people no less. 4.) Last but definitely not the least, I feel relieved that after the many scholarship applications I sent out, I received the right one that was truly meant for me. Above all, it’s also a relief knowing that I feel more confident than ever that I’m ending 2021 knowing fully well the career I want for myself, and I’m on my way to get there.

6. Name someone you are grateful to have made a connection with this year.

Although 2021 brought me lots of academic and career success, I unfortunately wasn’t able to make consistent connections with my loved ones. This was my first real “adult” year so I really wanted to focus on myself, my decisions and habits. Every now and then, I try to catch up with my friends in the best way I can; given the distance and circumstance. However, it’s not in the same manner as I used to or how I’d prefer. I just know that the people I have in my life right now understand that although we couldn’t talk to each other everyday, we’re always going to have each other’s backs. Love will always be there.

... But I have to work on balancing my time between career and relationships. I also have to work on knowing when to open up myself more, so that I wouldn’t deprive myself of making more genuine connections. 

7. Name three things that you are grateful for.

1.) My parents

2.) Tito Jong

3.) XUJPRSM

8. If you were to give 2021 a chapter title, what would it be?

My Cannonball Year

9. If you turned each month into a track of an album, which one would you skip? And which one would you put on repeat?

As much as I’d want to skip those long dragging months after MTLE where I felt lost adult-wise, I still wouldn’t. Come to think of it, although I had to make a lot of important adult decisions during that time, those months were perhaps my last time of being “young and free” (for lack of a better term). I barely had any responsibilities. I had every reason to be unproductive because of the pandemic. I now realize that if I hadn’t allowed myself to feel burdened by everyone’s expectations of me, I would’ve enjoyed those months better. And so, out of all the months in 2021, I’d like to put those months on repeat if I could. I’d also like to relive the day I found out I passed MTLE. That was a great day.

10. What’s one important lesson you learned this year?

Mindfulness. For my job and school interviews, whenever I’d get asked, “What’s your biggest weakness?”. I always say, “I want to see results as soon as possible”. But after taking things step-by-step; from the MTLE review, to MTLE, the months before deciding to get in to medical school where I was in the midst of an adulthood-limbo and finally, entering medical school, I’ve learned that: You can think about the problems of the future but it will lose your focus on the problems of the present. In turn, this will make your problems accumulate. Your mind and body can only do so much, so you have to make sure to allocate your focus well. If you solve your problems one at a time, starting with what’s closest to you, you’ll eventually be able to solve the much bigger and scarier problems of the future. Stable progress and good results are evolutionary, not revolutionary.

11. A note for my future self from my 2021 self:

You will do things for and with others, your community and your family. But don’t forget to do things for and because of your younger self. Do it for her. Be the person she needed the most.

When the time comes you’re thinking about giving up, at least remember to give your present self the chance to get to know your future self.

[estrellapolaris]

Thanks, 2020

Wow, it feels like it was literally just yesterday I wrote my “Thanks, 2019″ post while nearly dying of an asthma attack now here we are (yes, I also have better lungs now).

1. Did the year feel long or short?

The year felt short in a way that each day just felt homogenous with another and now I’m here?? However, despite being short, it was long enough for introspection... and staring at walls.

2. Personally do you feel like you’ve grown or regressed?

I hit my all-time peak at the start of the year until I gradually regressed when quarantine started and after I graduated college. I was all sorts of things - overbearing, insecure and self-absorbed. I lost my identity until I reclaimed it in the last month of the year. The gravity of how much I regressed at the start of the year was coupled with the same amount of growth at the end of the year.

3. Does this time of the year make you anxious or excited?

I used to be anxiously excited at this time of the year but after everything that’s happened in 2020, right now I just want my two feet to remain on the ground... but also kind of anxious for my licensure exam haha I think I will go bald

4. What’s one thing you could do now that you couldn’t a year ago?

Two things, actually.

1.) Take care of myself the right way.

2.) Solve Math and Physics problems confidently, lol.

5. Name one reason you’re relieved this year is over.

Honestly, I’m so fucking relieved that I made it through all the council troubles, I graduated college, I got a 93 in my NMAT, I experienced the online class transition as an intern and I experienced the bulk of quarantine just doing whatever the hell I wanted from the comfort and safety of my home.

6. Name someone you are grateful to have made a connection with this year.

MYSELF

7. Name three things that you are grateful for.

1.) Last year, I prayed for comfort, silence, isolation and for my life to go a tempo lower. Quarantine gave me that and I couldn’t be happier.

2.) The Ignatian Educational Pedagogy.

3.) God.

8. If you were to give 2020 a chapter title, what would it be?

“Black Mirror” - Okay, I know it sounds so unoriginal but come on!! 2020 really was the year I spent majority of my time facing the black mirror and trying to make sense of the world and the world within me through it.

9. If you turned each month into a track of an album, which one would you skip? And which one would you put on repeat?

I’d definitely put the months before quarantine (January, February and March) on repeat. I was at my happiest during these months and what’s great about it is that I KNEW I was happy while experiencing it so I relished every moment of it. I’d skip the months of April to August because I drowned in council work while figuring out the whole quarantine thing.

10. What’s one important lesson you learned this year?

Two, actually.

1.) Independence and fearlessness in making decisions.

2.) Learning to say “no”.

[estrellapolaris]

2020 in 5′s

The number 5 has been an unlucky number for me (see post: “I had 3 birthdays”) - and 2020 has been an unlucky year for the world. But for all that it has been, 2020 stands out - in its own peculiar way. Here are my 2020 top 5′s (arranged in no particular order):

Music

Finally // beautiful stranger - Halsey

Roll With Us - Doja Cat

Como Te Quiero - Khruangbin

The Suburbs - Arcade Fire

Seven - Taylor Swift

Honorable Mentions: Wake Up - Arcade Fire, Waltz in C-Sharp Minor - Frederic Chopin, Green Light - Lorde

Books

A Question of Heroes - Nick Joaquin

The Conjugal Dictatorship of Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos - Primitivo Mijares

Meditations - Marcus Aurelius

Brief Answers to the Big Questions - Stephen Hawking

Power - Robert Greene

Food

Anything from La Lucha (ISTG I miss this place)

Demetrio’s Spinach Pizza

My mom’s Garlic Mushroom Chicken Wings

Baked Sushi

Pho OMG I MISS GOOD PHO UGH

Film: Movies

Magdalene

The Godfather Pt 1

Nightcrawler

The Discovery

Soul

Honorable Mention: Heaven’s Waiting, Happy Anniversary

Film: TV Shows

Peaky Blinders

The Queen’s Gambit

Attack on Titan

Alice in Borderland

Mandalorian

Achievements: Pre-COVID

Went out to make memories

Tried to be more financially literate

Made time for the right people

Found happiness/balance in the good and bad

Opened my heart again, for a while

Honorable Mention: Started journaling

Achievements: COVID

Graduated from college and got a 93 in NMAT

Turned my vision years ago into a reality

Picked myself back up countless times

Accepted that pitstops are destinations too

Reclaimed my identity, myself

Honorable Mention: Turned 22, signed up for workout sessions, welcomed Stoicism 

Memories: Pre-COVID

Celebrated Valentine’s with my loved ones

Every meeting and post-meeting shenanigans

Went to an art show with my high school best friend

Experienced Sinulog one last time as a college student

All my shifts in PSH: CC, Hematology and BB

Honorable Mention: Every moment spent with.. him

Memories: COVID

Every SSC-related meeting I’ve had

Late night calls and movies

Reconnected with people I barely talked to 

Found peace with someone I was once at odds with

Getting the rest, isolation and silence I’ve always wanted

Honorable Mention: Finally reached the ending of writing Refulgent In Tenebris, Taylor Swift announcing Folklore and Evermore

Lessons: Pre-COVID

Non multa, sed multum (St. Ignatius was right - when was he not?)

Receiving a standing ovation after a performance is cool but the story doesn’t end when the curtain or confetti has fallen. What matters is who you go home to when the show is over.

Time, presence and availability: the best gifts you can give to a loved one.

Read the news.

It’s never too late to be financially literate, or to try something new.

Lessons: COVID 

The past isn’t with you anymore. The future isn’t with you yet, perhaps it may never be. The only thing you have is the present. You can’t lose what you don’t have - so life is only 24 hours, maybe even less.

No matter how good your intentions are, it’s the execution that leaves an impression.

Pitstops and landmarks are destinations too, they also deserve to be celebrated.

The grass is greener where it is watered.

The human gene is the basic instruction for life and it has been passed down for generations. Human genes are made up of centuries worth of human adaptation. For one to live, one must learn and adapt. You’re not “just” human. You’re centuries worth of evolution. You’re more capable than you think you are because you’re human. Whatever you learn and adapt, you pass down to future generations. If you want to incite change for your betterment and for the betterment of generations to come, it starts with you. Make your life count.

Honorable Mention: To get through the highs and lows, Ignatian Pedagogy is the way.

I started 2020 wanting it so badly to be “my year”, which ended up badly.. at first (hello, pandemic and quarantine). I didn’t get what I wanted but I got what I yearned for. I started 2020 with my fists high up in the air, now I’m ending it with hands in prayer. Whatever 2021 will be, I know I’ll be okay.

[estrellapolaris]

Good Morning, Midnight

At the end of a show, receiving a standing ovation is cool. But when the crowd has deserted, who do you go home to?

When the script has run out of print, the last word leaves then hangs itself up in the air. The stillness, disturbed by the applause of a darkened crowd barely there.

The stage lights, are more for the viewers than it is for the performer - as it only dims the latter's view of the former, while it offers sight for the spectators who are seated in the shadows.

The crowds come to be entertained by the tales onstage. But even when the curtain has fallen, the story still continues backstage - behind closets and closed doors.

These stories don't receive standing ovations. Who listens to stories that don't receive standing ovations?

[estrellapolaris]

I had 3 “birthdays”

I had 3 "birthdays".

On the eve of July 15th: I was just trying to get home, until I entrusted my life to the speeding vehicles on the street. As the traffic light turned green, I let my feet take the lead. A familiar face greeted me, swept me back when the light switched from green. And on the red light, she walked me down the street, until I made it home.

On December 5th: I just wanted to go to sleep. But I've forgotten how, it's been a while since I had a dream. I thought it would be sweet, to dream without cease - so I consumed more than what I need. I woke up to fluorescent light, worried faces peering down at me. I've cost them their sleep, just so I could dream.

The following year, on the 9th of July: a baby was born, 2 decades prior. She grew up having difficulty with directions, not knowing if she could reach home. She had forgotten how to sleep, the only way she could dream. Yet thankfully, in times she was lonely, she was never alone. But there will always be traffic lights, walks down the street and dreamless nights she must learn to face on her own.

I had 2 other "birthdays". And 1 birthday, the first one, is already enough. I'm going to celebrate that birthday everyday.

[estrellapolaris]

Life Lately : To 2018, hello from 2020

2018: “There are many ways to live a purposeful, happy and healthy life but it all starts with a conscious choice to do so”.

2020:

I just graduated from college last August - like, what the hell right? 3 years ago, I wrote a blogpost about how the “finish line” and the road to get there seemed bleak to me then. Even if it was my decision to be an irregular, I still felt disappointed because I thought I wasn’t trying hard enough. Yet here I am 3 years later, a degree holder who managed to get no grade below 3.0 with a 2 year-consecutive presidency under her belt - just a few of the many things I never imagined to achieve when I was writing that depressing blogpost 3 years ago.

It was indeed naive of me to think that a “finish line” exists. I thought graduating from college was like the end of a Suits episode when Mike and Harvey would close a deal. Although my batch didn’t get an actual ceremony because of the pandemic, I didn’t feel like strutting out of Pearson Hardman (God knows how many times they changed the firm’s name) with The Heavy’s “How You Like Me Now” playing in the background. Graduation felt like any other normal day but with the big question looming over my head - “What’s next?”. There was never a “finish line” to begin with because I’m running an oval, and there’s no race. I’ve climbed high enough the ladder to get past the smog but not the clouds.

The 19 years I spent in school felt like I was writing a script for a TV show with collaborators and with the adults in my life as directors. Since I’ve already graduated, I’m now the “adult” of my life. I’m figuring out what my story will be from here on out and how I’m going to direct it. I’m re-learning and unlearning some of my old beliefs. I’m scared as shit and I’m happy I can now comfortably say “shit” with fellow adults *wink*. I’m also happy knowing that I can make choices for myself. For that, I can start by picking this season of my life’s theme song... and no, it’s not Greenback Boogie.

2018: “Being off the grid may put me out of the grid, but it puts me on the map”.

2020:

Choosing to go through life at my own pace made time and experience available for me - two of the most significant resources necessary for character building which couldn’t always be found within the four walls of a classroom. This conscious decision gave me a direction and helped me build my name.

Right off the bat after graduation, I allowed myself to settle into a slow and quiet lifestyle after 5 years of living away from home. The slightly abrupt change wasn’t an easy adjustment as I found myself overwhelmed with the amount of free time I had so I was constantly raking my brain to think and do something. I read books, reconnected with old friends and did the things I’ve been wanting to do but couldn’t because of my busy schedule. Eventually, I resorted to doing what I was most familiar with - overly planning my career.

The question, “What’s next?”, continued to loom over me after graduation. I know the career destination I want and it’s something that hasn’t changed ever since the day I entered college. However, the route to get there has multiplied and altered in many ways through the years. I know that whatever route I take, it can still take me to the same destination. I guess I’m worried that once I do tread on a route, I might settle on a pitstop as my destination. I don’t want to lose my Little Prince sense of wonder but I know I need to print copies and make coffee to keep the light in the house running.

Lately, I’ve been keeping my goals realistic and short-term. I’m learning to enjoy the time I have left before licensure and job applications by taking care of myself and trying out new hobbies. I don’t know where I’ll end up a year from now and that’s okay. The best thing that happened to me, being off the grid, didn’t start out as the best thing and above all, it was unplanned. In the end, I turned out okay and still managed to stay on a path rather than be kept by it. For now, I’ll enjoy being 22.

2018: I’ve been the cause of disintegrated friendships and I’ve been the victim in some. I’m trying to work on seeing who’s toxic and who’s not. I’ll get there soon. But for now, I’m trying.

2020:

I’m not perfect at dealing with friendships and relationships, neither is everyone else - so we need to cut ourselves some slack for our shortcomings. No one is exempted from making mistakes within a friendship and relationship. No bond is perfect.

I’d like to say we’re all living pie charts of varying strengths, weaknesses, interests and intellect. In fact, there’s so much more that makes up a human being which couldn’t even be fathomed in a singular pie chart and the numbers will always be changing. The best friendship or relationship are those that are willing to weather the changing of these numbers for the goal of reaching one’s “model” pie chart. Any bond shared with someone is a promise and a choice.

In order for a business to thrive, one must identify its target market in order to enable effective product building and communication. In synchrony, we can also identify the population distribution of our friendships in order to enable effective building and communication. In my case, I’ve identified my friendships in units of: close friends, friends, situation-ships and acquaintances. Depending on circumstances and the nature of the bond, a person may shift from one level to another. All levels are valued well and compartmentalizing things this way enables me to identify the most effective medium for a particular bond, as well as better allocate myself to people who deserve it the most. It’s important to remember that we should be kind to everyone but it’s also foolish to offer so much of our energy for people where it doesn’t count, when we can be using that same energy for people truly deserving of it. If one thing works for someone, it doesn’t mean it works for everyone. As individuals, we can only do so much.

[estrellapolaris]

Jewels of the Pauper

"Somewhere in the north, a woman croons her child to sleep; and the Visayan listening remembers the cane fields of his childhood, and his mother singing the selfsame song... And as long as there remains in these islands one mother to sing Nena's Lullaby, one boat to put out to sea with the immemorial rowing song, one priest to stand at the altar and offer God to God, this nation may be conquered, trampled upon, enslaved, but it cannot perish. Like the sun that dies every evening, it will rise again from the dead." - Jewels of the Pauper, Fr. Horacio De La Costa, SJ Written after the second world war, Fr. De La Costa's "Jewels of the Pauper" beckons us as a community that despite poverty and hopelessness, we still have our jewels; our faith, values and music, all driven by compassion, to bring us together to rebuild our nation. But years before the second world war and even the Philippine Revolution, we were first introduced to a different set of "jewels" in Jose Rizal's "El Filibusterismo"; the jewels which Simoun used to corrupt government officials - the cause of evil in society. Upon Simoun's death, Padre Florentino hurled these jewels into the ocean: "May nature hide you among the corals and pearls of the eternal seas. If ever men should need you for a good and holy purpose, God will know how to retrieve you from the bottom of the ocean. Meanwhile, hidden away in its depths, you will not be used for evil, to violate human rights, to foment avarice." Two revolutions and a world war, countless literary works, lives missing and lives lost, yet here we are once more in the face of tribulation. May the cries of the past and present awaken us to listen intently to these echoes which shouldn't be dismissed, and remind us of our jewels as paupers; our faith, values and music - all of which, driven by compassion. Perhaps, we have not finished rebuilding our nation. Perhaps, we have not begun. And perhaps, we are fighting an unfinished revolution. The jewels of Simoun wait in the sea, or have they resurfaced?

[estrellapolaris]

Over the Picket Fence

Under the overpass, Where our treehouse was, I walked barefoot on the grass Then took my step on concrete path

Where the trees used to rise, Now buildings tear the skies When mom stifled her cries, I now understand why

We used to run down the yard I wish we never made it far

[estrellapolaris]

22 before 22

1.) Before taking on the world, get your room and your desk in order.

2.) Start saving money today, not tomorrow. A little can go a long way if you start today.

3.) Your best investment is yourself.

4.) Time, good conversation, a handwritten note and a framed photograph - one of the best gifts you can give to a loved one.

5.) Communication can mobilize you quickly but connection can take you further.

6.) At the end of a show, receiving a standing ovation is cool. But when the crowd has deserted, who do you go home to?

7.) Failure teaches you things success never could.

8.) The past isn’t with you anymore and you don’t have the future. Right now, you only have the present. You can’t lose what you don’t have.

9.) The grass is greener where it is watered. But remember that you can’t grow seeds on all types of soil - know the appropriate soil for the seed you’re planting. Grow where it counts.

10.) People aren’t thinking about you the way you’re thinking about you.

11.) It’s okay to say “no”.

12.) Set your own personal “business hours”.

13.) Being off the grid may put you out of the grid, but it puts you on the map.

14.) Deliver your message and intention with accuracy.

15.) When someone asks you a question, sometimes the best response is by also asking a question - but the right question. 

16.) Learn at least one new thing each day.

17.) The Ignatian Pedagogical Paradigm is the pedagogy of life, so is Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations.

18.) Stay on a path rather than be kept by it. 

19.) You’re running a track, not a straight line. And there is no finish line because this is not a race.

20.) The Greeks believed that the gods gave nature Mathematic entities to make us understand that nature is intelligible to us. In Algebra, we can set values for variables like X,Y and Z. In reality, we live in a world where we can identify what our resources are - these are our variables. There are more variables than X, Y and Z but the alphabet doesn’t infinitely exist like the number line.

21.) To build a hill, you need to dig a hole - this is the generally accepted theory of how the universe was created. For matter to exist, the existence of antimatter must be accepted - with positive energy, comes negative energy. All this equates to zero, a state of perfect balance.

22.) Seriously, just tell him that you love him.

[estrellapolaris]

Life lately (a draft from 2018)

1. I finally started doing yoga.

I’ve been meaning to do this ever since the start of the 2nd semester last November in 2017. But I’ve never really had an open mind on the spiritual, mental and physical benefits I could gain from the practice so I didn’t see its importance - until now. I attended my first class with a couple of friends and it’s by far, one of the best decisions I’ve made for myself. My life has been set on a much healthier perspective - both mentally and physically, because of yoga. There are many ways to live a purposeful, happy and healthy life - but it all starts with a conscious choice to do so.

2. I’m starting to enjoy riding my own current.

One of 2017′s ultimate challenge for me was to find my own pacing, and thrive in it. When I was still in high school, I joined a camp that required its attendees to go jogging together every morning. The goal of the activity was to find your own pacing with the group; making sure you weren’t slow enough to get left behind or fast enough to be ahead. I was always the former. In those days, I thought I was simply physically restrained to keep up with the rest due to my asthma - little did I know then that my disability to pace myself with others translated big time in how I adapted or fit into traditional systems. Fast forward to college - when everyone wanted to follow the school’s curriculum despite its flaws, I made my own curriculum. This decision led me to graduate a year late compared to my peers - thus, being the one left behind in the group once more. I didn’t understand why I was always marginalized by circumstance. But being off the grid allowed me to see and synthesize what majority didn’t - and it has become my defining strength. Being off the grid may put me out of the grid, but it puts me on the map.

3. The people you grow together may end up being the people you grow apart.

If there’s anything constant with my life, it’s losing people. This has become a window for me to reflect on my ability to form and maintain relationships. I have close individual friends but I don’t have a social circle of close friends - which says a lot about my ability to coexist and communicate with a basic unit and eventually, the community itself. I’ve been the cause of disintegrated friendships and I’ve been the victim in some. I’m tying to work on seeing who’s toxic and who’s not. I’ll get there soon. But for now, I’m trying.

[estrellapolaris]

A message for Primo

“Refulgent in tenebris”

Such a beautiful line it is, to mean “light in the darkness”. Just as how the world is engulfed by the dark, it prompts us to be as such - to be the light in a seemingly indefinite light-less world.

I grew up in a simple home, a little shy off a borough that boasts a skyline of city lights at night. Our house didn’t have much - but it had more than enough for it to be called a home. My father, having lost his job before I could learn how to spell five-letter words, struggled to keep our house standing on four corners - this was our “darkness”.

When I was 15, I briefly lived with a family who had a much simpler home, where there were no skylines but only the glint of starlight that took over the night sky. Their house didn’t have much either, in fact, even lesser than my own - but it still had more than enough to be a home. The family’s patriarch was a farmer who fathered 13 children - and while he grew vegetables for someone else’s table, he struggled to put food on his; this was his “darkness”. 

Everyone would think that a house needs four corners for it to stand. But there are much stronger elements that could keep a house from tipping - this made these two houses strong, this made these two houses a home.The farmer grew his house on good soil - and on nights when it was too difficult to see, when the stars were concealed by monsoon clouds, the farmer would light a candle which his family would huddle around and share stories.

I grew up witnessing these two homes, and more. I grew up witnessing different kinds of “darkness” - that though may differ in varied aspects, still share an absence of light. I may not literally have my own house, but I have built a home with people. I have built a home with Ultimus, with Strategos, with Primo and with the Velezian community. Now I too, understand, the responsibility and the burden to keep a house standing on four corners. Soon enough, my dear Primo, you will understand this responsibility and burden as well.

There are many responsibilities to be met when one builds a home - and it is only when the dweller neglects their responsibilities that their home will start to falter and its light begins to flicker. You can always choose to leave your home - but the light would always remain shut, unless you go back and switch it on. You can have all four corners standing upright, but remember, a house always needs more for it to be a home. A house is not enough.

I've built many homes in my last 3 terms serving the Velezian community - not literally of course - some were built alone, some were built with friends, enemies and some even shared. I struggled keeping these homes from falling apart. In fact, I didn't know how to keep it a home. As I struggled keeping the light in these homes from flickering, I also struggled keeping my own light aflame - this was my own "darkness".

As I wearily traversed with my own flickering torch, I found my direction through the light of people around me.

To Sir Arian, though I was terrified of you back in Anaphy Lab 2016, you were my very first beacon - the first teacher in Velez who believed in me, and the first person in Velez who witnessed me cry over my first hurdle as President. I'm not so sure if you recall this moment, but you were the first person I called that day. You were also still the first person I called when I cried that one time after Talent's Night 2018. 2 years later and I still think about the wisdom you've shared with me in that phone call. And now, because of your mentorship, nothing and no one can ever make me cry anymore.

To Ma'am Aging, I know I can be difficult sometimes and for that, I apologize. Like any other confused 20 something,  I too, am still growing. And with growth, comes interesting mistakes. And for each of my mistakes, you always welcomed me with loving arms and a smile. I've been living away from my parents for 5 years and yet, I was still able to experience a mother's love though away from home through you. I look up to you the same way I look up to my own mother and grandmother.

To Lyle, I find it funny that we nearly ran for the same position against each other. But even if we ended up in the same party twice, you still keep picking fights with me anyway. In the years I've been in the council, you were the first person who cared enough to listen. You missed out on a lot of personal life events just to make sure that I wasn't alone in mine. Even if you keep picking on me whenever I'm around, you're the only person who would actually defend my name whenever I'm not around. So even if you'd still pick a fight with me, I wouldn't mind letting you win.

To Nads, Carla, Courtney, Czar and Mia, you took a chance on me and my ideas when no one else did. Together, we built this home that we call Strategos when all we had was just sticks and stones. Now we have an entire family to continue building this home. You've been my greatest teachers and my sources of inspiration. You've grown so much and your capacity to love unconditionally will always be my source of strength.

To Teressa, Lids, Faye and Gwyn, when I struggled to keep my own light aflame, you shared me yours without any hesitation. Your light has always burned brightly, but never too bright yet still warm enough for comfort. You always have so much to share, so much to give. I've learned that one can love more than love itself because of you, to be at the receiving end of your love is both an honor and a blessing.

To Primo, it's been a humbling experience to have witnessed your stories unfold through the years and how it has brought you together, and led you to this day. There have been so many council members before you who paved their own stories and carved their own paths so that you too, may create your own - for and with the Velezian community. As you start creating your own legacy and building your own homes, keep your light aflame and heed each other's light.

And last but not the least, to Anton, a year ago today was your last day before your very first day in college. As I struggled with my own "darkness", my torch continued to burn brightly because of the light passed on to me from the people I've found a home in. Who knew that exactly a year ago, during FreshOr, the person I would pass my torch to would be a friendly face humbly sitting in the crowd, with his own light just about to spark. Here you are, exactly a year later, on your very first day as a council member and already a trailblazer in your own right. I couldn't be more humbled that my light has illuminated your path just the same way how yours has [Luis] lit mine up, and brought us together to find a home amongst each other. It's always darkest before the dawn - until the break of day, be Primo, Strategos and the student body's north star.

Through the years, I realized that as I keep this growing hint of a flame within me alive, even in the smallest of ways I know I can, I could bear a torch so that others may see through the darkness - and that same torch may be needle and thread to hands of those who wish to sew a tapestry interwoven with voices which were once unheard and words that were once left unsaid.

Someday, the hands you will interlace along with yours may grow to bear its own torches to pass down from one hand to another - this is what it means when the Jesuits say, "Inflammate Omnia" or to “go forth and set the world on fire”.

One torch isn’t enough - but every flame starts with a spark; just like the candle the farmer lit in the comfort of his home he could proudly call his own, in the company of his children while under a starless monsoon-clouded sky.

"Refulgent in tenebris", such a beautiful line it is.

Congratulations, Primo. Be the light in the darkness.

[estrellapolaris]

When are You Coming Home?

Sundays are when I wind my spring -

when light leaks from the window sill,

you call me to greet the morning

yet you’re gone upon I wake, still

Sundays, you put your records on;

we see the world from where we dine

Still left the records on ‘till dawn

food has gone cold, the sun now shines

We play the piano on Sundays;

every key, a conversation

There’s an echo in the hallway -

unfinished notes, and discussions

Still, I wind my spring early morn;

to replace flowers overgrown,

to light the candles on the floor

Lolo, when are you coming home?

---

For my grandfather, who loved me unconditionally. Even in his passing, I still feel his love until this very day. Despite his absence, it still feels as if I’m just simply waiting for him to come.

[estrellapolaris]

Our Daily Bread

Our day begins at the kitchen table - when sunrise beckons to break our fast, here we prepare, our morning catch

On this table, we’ve written history - where peace is defined in parchment with strokes of ink, violated Our family endured, through this table - where mother stitched for mouths to feed we broke bread, when we had plenty

Perhaps, the world may end on this table - during supper, a little past nine over a toast, with blood and wine

[estrellapolaris]

Thanks, 2019.

1. Did the year feel long or short?

The year felt like experiencing a supercut montage dream sequence of memories in polaroids, and that I had just woken up on the last day of 2019 wondering in awe if it were all real.

2. Personally do you feel like you’ve grown or regressed?

I’ve grown indefinitely. I’ve grown in places I never thought I could or would. I’ve grown to love the things I once despised about myself and now I use it for love.

3. Does this time of the year make you anxious or excited?

I’m anxiously excited to jump off the cliffhanger that is 2019, at peace with the fact that I can now fall, remain afloat and let the current of life deliver me.

4. What’s one thing you could do now that you couldn’t a year ago?

To love with a love that’s more than love itself.

5. Name one reason you’re relieved this year is over.

As a child, I danced in thunderstorms before I knew lightning could kill. Growing up, that same innocence lacked its luster when lightning made its first strike. I stopped dancing altogether. But in 2019, I learned to dance with the thunderstorm, and not in it. I now appreciate every scar.

6. Name someone you are grateful to have made a connection with this year.

God.

7. Name three things that you are grateful for.

Family Friends The unparalleled ability of the human soul to heal, whatever the circumstance.

8. If you were to give 2019 a chapter title, what would it be?

“Before Sunrise”

9. If you turned each month into a track of an album, which one would you skip? And which one would you put on repeat?

I’d let it play as it is, and when the record cuts to static, I’ll make new music.

10. What’s one important lesson you learned this year?

You can make a home out of a stranger, a familiar face and the road.

[estrellapolaris]

Penultima, with love

"To infinity and beyond!"

In the first Toy Story film, we witness Buzz Lightyear exclaiming this classic line with pride as he propels himself for flight, because of his firm belief that he is a real space ranger - despite the disapproving claims by Woody, a pull-string cowboy doll, that he is only a toy. Buzz, still adamant of his belief, leaps from his takeoff point to prove Woody otherwise.

As viewers of the 1995 classic, we understand Woody's standpoint. Buzz is without a doubt a toy. However, Buzz does not understand this yet.

In the 1966 Star Trek film franchise, we witness Captain Kirk lead the crew of the starship USS Enterprise navigate through their space mission; "to boldly go where no man has gone before" - another classic line in another classic film.

Though stated in different films, both previously mentioned lines are quite similar in context and has poetically encompassed one of human nature's core truths - the volitional yearning to do and seek for more.

At a young age, we often find ourselves looking to the stars and pondering on what goes beyond of what the naked eye can only fathom. As we grow older, being moulded by circumstance, the same wide-eyed curiosity translates into how our daily lives are being governed. We eventually crescendo into the consciousness of asking ourselves who we are in this world amongst men.

A clock's objective is to tell the time. However, a clock fails to do such without the functional ability of every cogwheel to mesh with one another's toothed part for it to transmit torque - a similar concept applies to that of humanity. Man ceases to survive without the cumulation of support from other men. Each and every one of us has a role to play for and with the community and the unseen force, the "more" that governs all this is compassion.

Who we are in this world amongst men is to be of compassionate service to our neighbor, our community - to provide opportunities for others who are denied of such and to plant seeds on good soil.

However, living a life of such is a difficult one - even the initial step of fearlessly believing in compassion can be more difficult than the state of acting on it. Every human being who has walked this earth is moulded differently. We learn how to love others from the people who loved us first - this is why it is important to plant seeds on good soil, so that its growth will be rooted deeply for it to weather any storm.

In St. Ignatius of Loyola's Spiritual Exercises, he teaches us the concept of "magis". Magis is a Latin word which means "more" or "greater". Magis centers on the fundamental idea to choose for that which yields more or greater service for God and the universal good. In living a life of service and compassion, it is not about the idea of quantity - there is no emphasis on doing the most and the best, only on doing things better with more love.

Fr. Jose Ramon "Jett" Villarin of the Society of Jesus once said, "Magis is a stance of hope that there will always be something better, to see that reality is not closed. When people get caged, they think there is no escape. That is a terrible place to be in. In Magis, we see there is still light. There will always be light".

At the end of Toy Story, Buzz and Woody struggle to catch up to the moving truck that is carrying the other toys to their owner's new home. Now having come to an understanding that he is only a toy, Buzz realizes that he cannot truly fly and is troubled that he and Woody may never catch the truck. With a rocket previously strapped on to Buzz's back by a child, Woody takes it as an opportunity to light the rocket so he and Buzz could bolt their way to the truck together. Just moments before the rocket explodes, Buzz deploys his wings to unstrap them from the rocket.

As Buzz and Woody glide through the sky, Woody jubilantly exclaims, "Buzz! You're flying!". 

"I'm not flying. I'm falling, with style", the space ranger toy amusingly replies.

With his arms stretched out as wide as the horizon, the pull-string cowboy doll beams at the small world below him and at last he finally says, "To infinity and beyond!"

[estrellapolaris]

Spoliarium

Perched atop a coconut tree, nestled upon its stock and leaves, a boy gazed, at the first light in the east

The boy is no different from you and me - has a name, the same nose, eyes and skin He too, is no different from any kid

A vessel casts a shadow from the east, aboard are men with velvet-covered skin, whose names are not of our own kin

And so these men set foot on sand, to bring an image as a gift to our land - but it is loose from where they stand

A bag of coins passed down from hands, has become the price of our own land  Now we pay for the soil we're born to stand

There will be no trees for the boy to climb - he'll have become a man before daylight, and will toil for the price of another's crime

The man is no different from you and me - the same nose, same eyes, same bare skin but whose name he has lost and left adrift

So they named him “Philip”,  the man who was once a kid

[estrellapolaris]

Cinco

It’s been a while since I’ve sat down and written about things I’ve pondered on. In light of the new year, I decided to take some time to reflect on the 5 things that defined my 2018.

1. Engineering Wellness

Fresh from 2017, the past year kicked off with a new sense of “maturity” for me. I slowly wanted to take control of my well being and turn all the things I’ve learned in the past year into actions. Just when I thought I was ready, I had a panic attack at a laundry store after finding out my batch ranking for a class I was taking. I wasn’t exactly hanging by a thread but my ranking was enough for me to be included in the deliberation - and having a history of setting unrealistically high goals for myself (as well as having lesser units compared to my batch-mates at that time), I felt that I could never be enough. The year just started and I already felt lost.

With a lot of grit and anxiety, I managed to pull through that semester. From then on, I promised myself to be more concretely mature in decision making and problem-solving. 2017 has taken a toll not only on my mental health but also on my physical health. I thought that if I could start having a much better approach to treating my body right, I could slowly improve mentally and eventually, achieve wellness. With that, I started learning yoga and pranayama - or meditation.

The decision to learn something new re-engineered my perspective on wellness. Exercise is a basic human need to release stress, stimulate oxygen and blood circulation as well as prevent anxiety build up. The more you exercise, the more you learn to listen to your body and the more you do that, you begin to know your body’s needs. When you know your body’s needs, you learn how to love your body - and eventually, yourself. Meditation is the elixir of the mind just as how exercise is for the body - it’s a means to recalibrate and de-clutter your thoughts. Breathing exercises and silence engineers the mind to inhale what you only need and exhale what you don’t. When you know the difference between your wants and needs, you begin to make the right decisions for yourself and when you make the right decisions, you make the right actions - not only for yourself, but also for the people around you. 

 The moment you decide to do something that would benefit your health, you must allow yourself to stay committed to it until it becomes a habit - because habits turn into a lifestyle and only then can you achieve wellness. 

2. Supreme Student Council

Getting into yoga was something I looked forward to every week. I’m naturally a competitive person - not necessarily with others, but with myself. I enjoyed stepping out of my comfort zone in learning new and much difficult positions every class. I started having new goals for myself and enjoyed new forms of successes. The moment you unlock a new form, you realize you still have more positions to learn - and it never stops from there; such is life as well.

Having my college life completely transfixed on academics alone and no extracurriculars, it created a linear definition of success for me. Throughout college, success meant getting above average grades and maintaining a rank higher than the mean. More often than not, this wasn’t always the case and since it was my only immediate source of validation and self-gratification, it was easy for me to feel less than enough. Taking yoga classes broke that third wall and allowed me to feel the sense of fulfillment I was missing because it redefined my definition of success. The way we define success should not be confined to the ideals formed within a classroom setting. We must remember that we shouldn’t weigh our sense of fulfillment mainly on instant gratification. Our own definition of success affects our everyday happiness.

During the last leg of my freshman year, I ran for a position in the student council and won. In my junior year, I decided not to take part in student organizations so that I could focus on my majors - this was instrumental in carving my then linear definition of success. Moreover, that decision lead me to sacrifice something I was passionate about to make way for something which I thought should matter even more. Last year, I decided to run for Vice President in the student council because being part of something helps build your character and I learned that you shouldn’t deprive yourself of the things that make up who you are to make way for other priorities - these things are equally important and beneficial for your well being.

3. Two Zero

Last year, I hit the big two zero and bid my adieus to my teenage years. It was my first time celebrating my birthday without my parents or the close friends and people I usually spend it with. I felt scared of spending my first day as an adult alone.

As you get older, receiving material objects on the day of your birth begin to lose its essence and you start to yearn for the presence of the people you love and love you to share the memory of the first day of your new year with. 

Growing up as an only child, it never occurred to me the value of camaraderie, friendships, people in general and the memories or experiences that come with it. I never had a consistent “barkada” or “best friend” other than my family. For 16 years, the only people I’ve ever shared a roof with were my parents. When I moved to Cebu for college at the age of 17, it was my first time to share a room with someone other than my mom and dad. For 3 years, I shared my dormitory room with a roommate and I considered her as the closest person I have to a sister. She was the first person besides my parents I shared my life with and that meant something to me. One day, I arrived at the dorm from school only to find out that half of our room was already empty. The person I considered as my sister moved out and left without a warning. She didn’t only leave the room we shared for 3 years, she left our friendship - along with the “barkada” we slowly formed throughout the years.

If there’s one thing constant in this world, it’s meeting people. You can never stop making new friends and there will always be someone who will love you regardless of your imperfections. More often than not, there’s nothing you can do about the people who choose to leave your life so instead of wasting time shedding a tear for them, you should nurture the bonds you have with the people who chose to stay and be with you. 

I thought I’d be celebrating my birthday alone that year but apparently, there are people along the way in my life who I’ve somehow inspired, helped or motivated and with that, grew to care so much for my existence in this world  and made me feel loved in a way I deserve to be. Sometimes, it has to take someone important to leave you for you to realize the value of a friendship, relationship or a bond and when that happens, you realize the things about yourself that made them leave and you slowly want to become a better person for the people who chose to stay and the people you will soon meet.

4. The Worst of Times

I was lucky enough to have won the elections and become the Vice President of the Supreme Student Council. What I didn’t see coming was that the person who won as President would fail a class that summer and would have to resign from his position - which would make me the President of the council. The moment I received the phone call regarding this information, I felt that I wasn’t ready and that I wasn’t the right person to fill in someone else’s bigger shoes. I didn’t want to be the President nor I had any intention to but in that situation, it’s something that as the Vice President, I’m responsible of doing and becoming. In reality, no one is really prepared or ready for anything and there’s no such thing as “the perfect time”. The only way for you to figure out if something is meant for you is to go for it head on - especially if the opportunity presents itself to you and you alone. If it’s meant for you, it’s meant for you. If it’s not, then you would come out of the experience with lessons that would steer you to grow closer and closer to the person you’re meant to be.

During the first week of the semester, the council had to organize orientation seminars for the newly minted freshmen and in that period, I became the emcee for my department’s seminar. In the midst of the program, there was a slight misunderstanding with the sequence of events. The school’s Director of Student Affairs misunderstood the flow of the program and informed my department’s dean that I intentionally removed the dean’s segment from the program. That being said, the dean verbally reprimanded me in a hostile manner in front of the entire freshmen community and mentioned things that shouldn’t have been said publicly. After that, I had to continue hosting the program and maintain composed in front of an audience - even if my emotions were caving in on itself on the inside.

Not too long after that scenario, a teacher in my department who has a history of distaste towards me called my attention so she could complain about a small fragment of information about a small competition that the council was hosting. Complaints are essential to organize swift events but in this case, the teacher verbally reprimanded me in a manner similar to what the dean did and to make things worse, this happened before an exam. The teacher mentioned things I never thought a teacher could say and accused me of false wild accusations - over a small complaint regarding a small competition.

The tragedy doesn’t end there. Throughout planning last year’s intramurals, it was my first time to feel “used” as a student leader. When you’re a student, it’s easy for the faculty to pin the blame on you because it’s another thing for a faculty member to accuse a colleague. Moreover, it’s easier to assign a student tasks especially if it’s in the last minute because by cultural structure, students are technically inferior to the faculty - so we’re expected to agree and do what we’re told without hesitations. Also, being seen as a “student”, it’s easier to see me as someone who is more susceptible to making errors rather than a “professional” and “titled” faculty member. It was at this point I realized that the teachers or the so called “adults” I once looked up to aren’t different from people my age. Even teachers, deans or educators in general couldn’t accept not getting what they want and would do anything to pin the blame on a student to further their personal motives. Since these “adults” hold the upper ground, they have every capacity to control the narrative in their favor. What’s scary is that this is a reflection of our very own society, and it’s a daily occurrence in every workforce.

Things were about to go smoothly towards the end of the year until the biggest plot twist in my Presidential term had to take place. A council member, someone who I’ve already grown to trust, leaked to the entire student body through social media a private message of mine that was meant for her own consumption only. It’s easy for people to manipulate and misunderstand information on the internet so naturally, a majority of people at school bought into it and posted several false accusations and hurtful mudslinging about me on social media. I was in the middle of facilitating a public event when this took place so I had to compartmentalize my emotions and choose not to be affected, no matter how distraught I was, because I couldn’t afford for that event to go down in flames. Failure was most definitely not an option for me, especially at that point. I had to remain composed for hours on end all day long until I broke, just minutes before the event ended. I couldn’t think straight, my heart was palpitating, my head was throbbing and I started feeling cold all over. Without hesitation and any plan in mind, I literally just left the event and rode a cab with just my phone and a few hundred pesos in my pocket - and was headed towards nowhere in particular. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know what to do.

I didn’t know what lied ahead of me. After months of trying to keep the council, the student body, the faculty and myself together, I just fell apart - slowly, then all at once.

5. The Best of Times

I’ve gone through my worst of times in the past year and for every single one of them, I swear I fought to live another day. For several occurrences to the point that I’ve already lost count, I’d literally lock myself up in my room all day - starve myself, keep the lights and curtains shut and forget all sense of self-care. I would just cry in bed with my clothes and makeup on from the previous days without changing or even taking a shower. I wouldn’t clean my room and I’d just leave my things scattered everywhere - weeks or even months worth of trash would just pile up next to my bed. I allowed my worst of times to affect me that way but I never allowed it to affect my spirit.

I always thought to myself that I wouldn’t have made it this far in life just to get this far. The moment I chose to drop classes in 2017, it carved a rough patch in my life and it was something I’d constantly look back to and say, “what if I didn’t drop my classes? what if I made it? what if I didn’t give up?”. I was in constant search of answers to these questions because holding myself back from discovering my full potential out of my fear of failure always keeps me up at night. Since then, I never wanted to feel that way again so despite the troubles I’ve gone through in the previous year, I allowed myself to go for things head on and learn to conquer my fear of failure. The pain of choosing to take a risk and failing as its outcome is nothing compared to the pain of choosing not to take the risk and never knowing how far you can go. 

There is no point in worrying about the future because it’s uncertain. The only thing that’s certain are the things you know you can do now. You are not your mistakes. You are not your failures. You are defined by the decisions you choose to make at this very moment. The future is still being written right now so you should do whatever you can in your capability to write a good ending by making each second of today count.

Just as how the direction of a stream is determined by the pebbles in its way and the crevices amongst it, you can’t change an established current. You cannot please everyone. You cannot save everyone. Not everyone even wants to be saved. People will always whisper, so let them whisper. You cannot control that. You cannot control everything. The world lacks light and the best thing you can do is bear a torch so that others may see - and when people can see, they will grow to bear a torch of their own and pass it on to others. 

Being able to get this far in life was a steep road but every bit of it was meaningful and that’s what matters the most. I may not be where I want to be and I may never get there (or maybe not yet) but I know I’m where I’m supposed to be. I will make today count