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euterpend-blog · 8 years ago

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Nicelerin ilki, Veronika Ölmek İstiyor

Paulo Coelho'nun kitapları bende eskiden beri derin bir tiksinti uyandırır; o kitapları kütüphanenin en dibine, görmeyeceğim bir yere itekler ve hatta bir kitapta yazarın kendi adını okumaktan dahi kaçınırım: bunu ilkokulun erken yıllarında okuma saati adı altında zorla boğazımıza dayadıkları kitaplardan biri olan 'Simyacı'ya bağlıyorum -o erken yaşlarımda bu kitap beni öyle boğdu, öyle sıktı ve beni öylesine rahatsız etti ki bu hisler dışında kitaba dair hiçbir şey hatırlamasam ve aynı bu nedenden dolayı şimdi okusam pek beğenebilme ihtimalim olmasına rağmen hayatımın sonuna kadar kitabın yüzüne dahi bakmayı düşünmüyorum.

Kendimi daha çok fantastik edebiyata vermişliğimden geçmişte elime almadığım 'kült' kitapları elden geçirmeye karar verdiğimden okumaya başladım bu kitabı da. Arada bir yerlerde bir an önce bitmesini ve yeni aldığım diğer kitaplara geçebilmeyi dileyerek sayfalarını çevirdiğim olsa da son otuz beş kırk sayfasını nefes almadan okudum: başlangıçta anlatımından ve kendi ön yargılarımdan dolayı şüphelendiğim üzere bu kitap tam anlamıyla bir can sıkıntısına sebep olmadı bende böylece, bunu bir gelişme olarak addediyorum (ancak yine de bu yazarın başka bir kitabını okumayı düşünmüyorum).

Slovenya'nın yerine şimdi baktım -bize tahmin ettiğimden de yakınmış.

İtiraf etmek istemesem de bu kitap sosyal normların üzerimdeki etkisi hakkında biraz düşünmeme ve kendi hakkımda büyük ihtimalle hiç uygulamayacağım (belki uygula/ya/mayacağım) kararlar almama sebep oldu. Sosyal anksiyete ile elim titrediğinde hep bunları düşünürüm zaten. Henüz bir türlü kendimi değiştirmeyi beceremedim.

Nedenine bir türlü parmak basamadığım bir hayatta kalma dürtüsü içerisinde her canlı (bundan ellerinde olmayan nedenlerle sarsılan, bir şeyleri, bir şekilde eksik doğmuş, fazla doğmuş insanları ayrı tutuyorum); bir şekilde neslini devam ettirmeye, bir şekilde nefes almaya devam etmeye pek düşkün. Kulağa bayağı, dilden dile gezmekten artık tatsız geldiğinden dolayı bunları bir de burada yazıya dökmek bana rahatsızlık veriyor ancak o koskoca yıldızları ve etrafımıza serili evreni düşündükçe insan küçük hissediyor. Küçük ve önemsiz. Her şeyden, bu hayattan istediklerimden ve bu hayata verebileceklerimden vazgeçiveriyorum aklıma geldiği anda -benim hiçbir önem arz etmeyen bir parçası olduğum o sonsuz, kendi kendine evrilen ve yine kendi devinimleri ile varlığını devam ettiren evren: ne sebebi olan, ne sonucunu bildiğimiz. Bu hayatta ne yaparsak yapalım istediğimiz cevaplara ulaşamayacağımızı da biliyorum. Elimizden geldiği kadarı ile bir şeyleri anlamaya çalışıyoruz, ama yeterlinin yanından bile geçmiyor, katlansa, biraz daha ve hep katlansa bile geçmeyeceğinin de farkındayız aynı zamanda. Yine de bazen düşünüyorum, bu insanoğlu evrenden küçük bir parçayı, daha önce kimsede olmayan bir şeyleri içinde barındırıyor. Ben aklını kaybeden insanların yaptığı insan gücünün dışında kalan şeylerin hikayelerini görenlerden dinledim, bazısına da tanık oldum. İşte böyle de bazen düşünüyorum, belki de muazzam şeyleri içinde tutuyor bir insan ve akıl almaz şeylere sebep olabilir diye.

Bu düşünceler birbirinden bağımsız bir şekilde barınıyor beynimde. Henüz kendime dünyada bir yer bulamadığım bir aşamadayım. Hiçbir şeye sahip olmadığım için her şeyden vazgeçmek kolay benim için. Benim diyebileceğim hiçbir şeyse de aslında benden kaynaklı olmadığından bunları çöpe atmak da kolay, vicdan azabıyla kavruluyor ama yine de kendimde boğulurken başka hiçbir şeye önem vermiyorum. Böylece çok düşündüm, kendime çok düştüm ve bir şekilde normal olanın, kabul edilen gerçeklik anlayışının dışına taştım. Olmayan kalp ağrıları, nefes sıklıkları çektim, bedenimde her şey, bir benliğim dışında yolunda giderken ölecek gibi hissettim. Bunlar herkesin başına gelebiliyor. Herkes neler yaşıyor şu hayatta, elimde olmayan neler geçti üzerimden, ancak kısmen de ben ettim kendime. Bir insanın kendine ettiğini bir dünya bir araya gelse ona edemez, derler bana küçükten beri. Bu söz pek yerinde ve pek haklıdır, benim için; çevremiz ve başımıza gelenlerle şekilleniriz, bu bir gerçektir, bizi şekillendiren bunlar karşısında takındığımız tavır ve bunlara karşı olan tepkilerimizdir.

Böyle kolay da geride bırakılmıyor tabii. Hala boğazımda bir eli, umulmadık bir zamanda nefes borumun tam üzerine parmaklarını delercesine bastırmak için, gevşekçe duruyor. Bunlar benliğimi ve beynimi terk etmedi henüz, hayatımın işleyişinin üzerinden elini ayağını çekmedi. Bunu bilirim ve görmüş geçirmişlere karşı olur olmadık şeylerle açmam ağzımı. Kendi içimde delicesine çırpınır ve bazenleri de ölü gibi kıpırtısız kalırken, 'insanın kendiyle savaşının savaşların en büyüğü olduğuna' karar verdim.

Yine de yaşıyoruz. Ben hiç, aksini istemedim. Gücenmişliğim, öfkem çok taze henüz, bu hayata karşı. Ellerimden söküp aldıklarına karşın bir tek şey vermedi bana geri. İçimde bu inat taze durdukça, bir şekilde, kendimce bu evrenden kendi intikamımı almadan gitmek istemeyeceğimi de biliyorum. O aldıkça ben de dahasını, çok daha fazlasını almadan rahat edemeyeceğimin farkındayım. Ben bunun için yaşıyorum, yaşarken de yüreğim boşluk içinde kalsa bu dünyanın küçük, önemsiz keyiflerine tutunuyorum. Kalbim demirden bir kuvvetle sıkılıp patlayacak gibi olsa ve acı bazen boğazımı düğümlese, düşüncelerimi kitlese de işte ben bunu başarana, kendimi daha fazla bu kadar yarım hissetmeyene kadar, elimi eteğimi çekmeyeceğime eminim bu hayattan. İşte böyle zor, ölmek isteyenleri anlamak, tıpkı Veronika'nın düşündüğü gibi. Çünkü herkes yaşam savaşı veriyor bu dünyada, tıpkı yazarın dediği gibi. Her ne kadar nörotipik bir bakış açısıyla ele alınmış olsa da, bu kitap doğru yanıt olan bazı cümleler barındırıyor kendisinde. Bu yüzden yazarın hakkını yemeyeceğim; bu kitapla hayatın iliğini emmek geçti aklımdan, ve biraz da heyecanlandım.

Yazıları bir sona bağlamak zordur. Ben bunda yetkin değilim henüz. Bu kitabın ise tatmin edici bir şekilde sona erdiğini saniye sektirmeden itiraf edebilirim.

#euterpend okuyor

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euterpend-blog · 8 years ago

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[TRANS] ‘WINGS’ Concept Book Interview - Suga

『 What I’m thankful to Bang Shihyuk PD and our music production team is, there are originally a lot of people who don’t know a good sound even if we present them one. Everyone has a different preference so it’s hard to pick the sound we think is the right answer, but there’s always the sound close to the right answer in our music. Mixing or mastering is as important as composing, and having a company with the ability to differentiate between good sources and good sounds is a huge blessing. 』

2016 was a meaningful year to both BTS and Suga personally. “It was hectic. Lots of things happened too. My life’s always hectic but last year was even more so. We told ourselves ‘We went through a lot, everyone all worked so hard’. Luckily it turned out well so we could look back on last year like this.”

But you don’t seem to be carried away by that good mood. “We are a realistic team. We can enjoy the happiness because we have been and will be doing well, but we have never once been content with ourselves. It’s been like that from before debut. Every time we release an album, we always worry whether or not it would do well, and they said this album was the most important one. That’s why we received even more stress, but we do not settle and continue to work on it, that’s the strength of our team.”

Why? “From before debut, our company was small and had no money. We came out when the company was on the verge of falling down. Some friends who used to train with me left the company and even suggested going with them, but then I debuted. So we always tell each other not to be content with ourselves, to look forward and keep going. I think showing what we can do steadily is the top priority.”

How did you work on the album? From the mixtape released under the name of Agust D to “Blood, Sweat & Tears” and repackage album, you’re slowly reflecting the stories of yourselves into the albums more and more. “Bang Shihyuk PD-nim once said this too, a person would brighten up after releasing a mixtape. He even asked where that incisive person full of wrath from before had gone. It was my complex and the way to solve it was music that I need to make. Thinking about how many idols can have this chance, I’m making music in a very good environment. BTS, Agust D or a human named Min Yoongi, it all comes from the same person, so if I put in the real stories of mine, many people can listen and relate to it.”

What’s the difference between releasing as BTS and releasing mixtape? “My mixtape is purely just shouting out. (laughs) I figure that the influence my mixtape brings is different from what BTS’ albums bring, with BTS, I need to refine. Firstly, there’s not much I can use. To compress what I want to say into as short as possible, I have to think more compared to when making mixtape.”

Was “First Love” from <WINGS> that point of contact? “It’s a meaningful song too. “First Love” talks about the piano I used to play when I was young, which also means the only friend I had. I cried a lot while recording. I kept crying at the emotion explosion part in the latter half. It was when I just finished working on the ‘Agust D’ mixtape and moved onto the album right away, so I didn’t have much time, I wrote it quick and recorded all by myself. Right after I cried and recorded the song, I sent it and went to the airport, but then they called and said it might need to be re-recorded because the file was broken. I cried that hard while recording but! (laughs) I recorded again after going back to Korea and went to catch a flight again 4, 5 hours later. It was stressful but fun.”

What led you to choose the current message of your solo songs among many stories you can tell? “Bang Shihyuk PD-nim informed us there would solo songs when we talked about the album concept. I thought a lot about what kind of song I should do and suggested ‘So Far Away’, which is currently in the mixtape. It’s something I can pull off well and also public-friendly, so I asked ‘How do you think?’, they said it was fine but we need to discuss a little more. Then the song was put in the mixtape. After listening to other members’ songs, I felt like if my song is depressing, it would sag the mood of the whole album down. I asked how about doing the ‘tough’ style that I can pull off the best, but it would not fit the flow of the album. So I started making a rap-only track. Actually, the main line of ‘First Love’ is the same as ‘So Far Away’. I remembered the orchestra sesssion I wanted to put in but couldn’t because of the lack of time and made use of it. If you listen to ‘First Love’, there’s just straight up rapping for 3 minutes 9 seconds. It’s not that common nowadays so it was fun.”

You don’t tend to show your emotions much, seems like you relieve it through rapping. “I don’t think I live an ordinary life.. I started making music since I was young, and left home since I was young too. Many interesting things happened in my life. I don’t show it much usually. Basically not at all. But I always live hoping someone would know it. I relieve through music. It’s like I resolve it by performing and making music. I think of music as my release. That’s why I made ‘Agust D’ freely. It was a load off my mind.”

What happened in the past? “There was a time I had to live with just 300,000 won ($262) a month. I couldn’t eat three meals a day. It was hard and I wasn’t that rich, but I think I enjoyed it. Why? My inferiority complex and the desire of wanting to do well quick was strong after debut. It wasn’t like a total failure, just my high ideals made it hard. Back in high school, I spent my days playing around and having fun with my friend. I went to my old school, took a walk, sorted out my thoughts and got to know what I need to do.”

Is “First Love” or “Spring Day” the result? “Yes. ‘Agust D’ is my turning point. It’s probably the best thing I did in 2016. I was very emotionally exhausted then. There were also the worries of being an idol. I met an old acquaintance not long ago and they said I became a completely different person. If you ask me whether I’m satisfied with the music in ‘Agust D’ or not, I would say I’m not. I didn’t have enough time and many parts could have been better, but if you ask I regret releasing the mixtape or not, I want to say I really like it. The members said the same too. They told me my mixtape is too ‘fierce-fierce-fierce-fierce’. (laughs) I said I couldn’t do anything other than it. I don’t regret making it that way at all. I became more relaxed making music after that. More naturally too. There is no longer a limit like before.”

How did you work on “Blood, Sweat & Tears”? “I heard the beat made by Pdogg-hyung first and it was so good. What I’m really thankful to our company staff is, they always develop, even Pdogg-hyung and Bang Shihyuk PD-nim. Pdogg-hyung made half of the title track and the rest was on us, so I started working on it without much pressure. It’s like, if it doesn’t do well, let it be. I tend to be really stressed when working but that time I wrote the song while playing games. I unknowingly finished the outline after playing a few rounds.”

Was it difficult putting your individual into the sound or flow that’s different from before? “I became really sensitive to sound when working on ‘Agust D’. I modified every single beat and even personally participated in mixing. For this album, I would give it 93 out of 100 in terms of sound. What I’m thankful to Bang Shihyuk PD and our music production team is, there are originally a lot of people who don’t know a good sound even if we present them one. Everyone has a different preference so it’s hard to pick the sound we think is the right answer, but there’s always the sound close to the right answer in our music. Mixing or mastering is as important as composing, and having a company with the ability to differentiate between good sources and good sounds is a huge blessing. We all got goosebumps when we listened to the album for the first time in Pdogg-hyung’s room. Truthfully, it doesn’t lose to foreign artists’ sounds.”

Now you must have gained the confidence to be able to bring in a certain quality when making songs without worrying too much. “Good things don’t always come when there’s stress. I pursued for perfection a lot before. Actually, people called perfectionists, they’re not perfect, they have a complex there. You can’t know at the time how it would be when looking back after everything’s done. What makes it hard is keeping being greedy despite of that. Thinking this way eased my mind. I couldn’t live telling ‘So what if I fall’, ‘So what if I’m hurt’ through music. I can’t fall, if I fall it’s the end, I have to endure even if I’m hurt, I used to think like this but now my thoughts changed a lot, because I’m a human too.”

How high is Suga’s goal? “I think being a musician, we need to be satisfied as late as possible. Money and the standard of success are important too, but I’m just curious. How far can BTS and also Min Yoongi go? Bang Shihyuk PD-nim told us this. That at this level, we need to carve the new way for the juniors. Not the juniors in our company, but the juniors in the Korean music industry. I used to think whether we could success more if we debuted 3 years earlier, but not anymore. I think we too are walking on the way paved by many seniors and receiving a lot of generational benefits like Naver VLIVE and Twitter. We need to carve a new way so more musicians could introduce better music to the world more easily.”

How does it feel having people all over the world listen to your songs? “This is probably half of the goal I set before. I used to work as a studio engineer while composing and performing at the same time in Daegu. But there was no one when I performed. 50 people was a lot. I lost money every day, I didn’t even have money to eat after performing. I had had enough of it. If I want to make the kind of music that satisfies myself only, it would be better for my mental health to make it alone at home. (laughs) I came up to Seoul because I wanted to let many people hear my music, so BTS’ achievements feels like a miracle. It’s also the reason I became an idol.”

What stories do you want to bring people now? “Whether by rapping or by whatever method, I have decided what kind of music I want to make. Hopeful songs like ‘Tomorrow’ or ‘So Far Away’ from the mixtape. Many people find it weird how the least hopeful person would want to make such kind of music. (laughs) I grew up listening to Epik High. At that time, songs about dream or hope were a trend, and the reason I like Tablo-hyung was because he made that kind of music. I want to make such music too. I have an influence now, and I want to use that influence in the right direction.”

#yoongi

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