evansnjames

[evansnjames]

So tumblr has hid my profile for whatever reason and marked me sensitive. For those still interested you can find me at coolspacecownoyuniverse.tumblr.com

I’m posting new stories of my fics there :)

[evansnjames]

Can anyone see this post?

[evansnjames]

you know, when i said i wanted the real world to be more like harry potter i just meant the teleportation and the butterbeer, not the entire plot of book 5 where the government refuses to do anything about a deadly threat so the teenagers have to rise up and fight back

[evansnjames]

Top Ten Theories

Summary: Top ten theories why the Head Boy and Girl would  receive two nights worth of detention. Top theory: caught shagging. Reality? Pretty far off. One shot. Fluff.

Can find here at ff.net!

"Padfoot, you piece of crap, stop staring."

"Then spit out the truth and your dreams will come true."

James just glared at his best friend and went back to his Arithmancy homework, ignoring the beady eyes of Sirius Black who hadn't stopped hounding him since the rumors circulated that James Potter and Lily Evans had been caught snogging or shagging (who knew) in the Astronomy Tower yesterday evening during rounds. This was very curious rumor indeed considering the two weren't even officially or unofficially together.

Granted, no one actually knew what happened, but the next morning the entire school was awoken to the news that the Head Boy and Girl were both served two nights worth of detention from Professor McGonagall herself. Rumors spread like wildfire (like they did when it came to Potter and Evans) throughout campus as multiple bystanders claimed to have witnessed Potter, Evans and McGonagall head to Dumbledore's office late at night.

Quickly theories were spread and currently the top ten theories were:

They were caught mid-shag/snog/whatever you want to call it

Trapped Filch in a broom cupboard

Practicing illegal spells on the Slytherins

Lily was trying to murder James

They were trying to murder someone else – victim remained unknown aka murdered

They were burning school property

Flushed Mrs. Norris down Moaning Myrtle's bathroom

Attempting to escape school before the dreaded NEWTs

Egging Peeves on to cause chaos

It was all just rumors

Sirius usually minded his own business and tried never feeding into or believing the Hogwarts rumor mill but there was something very fishy about this entire situation. One, James refused to talk about what exactly happened; second, the rumors swirling had become so incredulous that Sirius was starting to consider where there's smoke there's fire. Because James, for all his Marauding and such, had become much less of a public troublemaker in the last few years and detention wasn't something a responsible Head Boy easily achieved these days. Oh sure, most of their friends shrugged it off claiming it was nothing but detention to the Head Boy and Girl from their Head of House was not nothing! It was most definitely something.

So Sirius Black was on top of it. Not that he cared a prat's rat ass about the rest of the school but he was sure now that James was hiding something. So he considered the top ten theories and easily concluded that theory number one (they were caught mid-shag/snog/whatever you want to call it) was the most obvious. Also, he knew for a fact that Prongs and Evans were indeed shagging or snogging or at least hiding something as a week into term he had woken to the sounds of giggles and a hushed voice coming from James' bed were the hangings were drawn, which the boys never did but James hadn't been thorough enough and at the very front he could see a touch of red hair. Sirius smirked and fell back asleep, not mentioning anything the next morning but a cheeky 'hello'. So it had been pretty easy to conclude the sneaky pair was off doing the deed on any flat surface they could find including the Astronomy Tower were privacy was abundant considering it was closed to all students when not in use. Case closed.

Now he just needed James to admit it.

"Wormtail," Sirius started. "Don't you think Prongs looks a bit cheeky today?"

Peter gave a slight snigger as he glanced over at James who was unrelentingly ignoring the two of them. "Looks the usual disheveled to me."

"Hmm," Sirius said, leaning back in his chair. "Well then, if you won't tell me what happened I'll just have to find out for myself."

"I did tell you what happened," James muttered. "You just won't listen."

"That the two of you got detention because you locked up Mrs. Norris in an empty classroom? Sorry, two nights worth of detention and a visit to Dumbledore doesn't seem to fit the crime. Anyways, Evans would never, she loves cats."

James grumbled into his parchment and Sirius raised his eyes. "What was that? Didn't hear ya quite well between the mumbling."

"I said," James growled, throwing his parchment at him. "Will you quit it?"

Feeling the tension vibrating from James, Peter cut the conversation in order to avoid destruction. They had been kicked out of the library one to many times and Peter needed the library time more then ever this year and was attempting to stay on Madame Pince's good side. "What's the detention anyways?"

"Scrubbing the dungeons."

Sirius cracked his knuckles and admired. "They always sent us there when they wanted to teach us a lesson."

"No, you idiot," James said kicking his chair so Sirius fell forward. "They sent us there when it needed cleaning."

Moody, Sirius thought. Very moody. "This detention with Evans then?"

As if on cue, the redhead walked into the library alone, scanning the room when she landed on their table. Sirius watched her walk over, her face becoming pinker, her twitch becoming more deliberate as she got closer, and James, immediately tensing up at the sight of her. Interesting, very interesting.

"Evans! We were just talking about you," Sirius said.

She nodded her head and looked at James who was avidly not looking at her. "James… can we talk?"

But James didn't answer and an awkward tension filled the open space, even making Sirius a bit uncomfortable.

"Now Prongs, she's asking you something, be polite," Sirius said sarcastically but they both ignored him.

"James, please," Lily whispered when he finally looked up and saw her red-rimmed eyes. Well, he grunted in his thoughts, he hoped she was crying.

"What do you want, Evans?"

She seemed to flinch at his tone and swallowed. "Can we talk?"

"Anything you have to say to me, you can say to my mates," he said testily and Sirius seemed to reconsider the idea that theory number one was the reason they got detention as Lily just deflated at his words.

"Alright then, so I'll uh just see you in detention?" she said dejectedly but James showed no sympathy.

He gave her a cold shrug, looking back at his paper as if he hadn't been obsessing over her for three years and continued writing as if she had never been there. When Lily walked away, Sirius looked at his friend as if he had grown a second head.

"Wormtail, knock on Prong's head there and see if anything is inside."

James knocked Peter's hand away and fiercely glared at his friend. "I said to quit it."

"Don't you think you were a bit harsh on her? She seemed pretty upset for two kids who were caught shagging," Sirius retorted.

James smacked his book shut at his question and shoved his notes angrily into his school bag. "I told you to quit it!"

He walked out of the library then without another word.

Sirius and Peter stared with lightly gaping mouths at their friend's temper tantrum.

"So what theory do we think now?"

"Something is going on between Evans and Prongs," Sirius said plopping between Marlene and Mary on the couch, later that night in the common room, and grabbing a piece of fudge they had left on the table.

"That we already know," Marlene said pushing Sirius' hands off her shoulders as he left crumbs along her lap. "But Lily has been acting dodgy all day."

"Prongs straight up through a hissy fit in the library right now."

"Well, we know their shagging…" Peter said. At one point or another, everyone had witnessed James and Lily's poor constructed hiding. The idea of them being together had been talked about so many times and now that they were finally together but not admitting it, the whole concept was becoming far-fetched.

"Yes, but that doesn't explain this whole gloom and dome scenario," Marlene countered.

"Well we know the theories… which one do we think it is?" Mary questioned, looking at their group of friends.

"Well we can cross off 'caught shagging', yeah? I feel like they wouldn't be so upsetwith one and other if that was the case," Marlene threw out.

Peter nodded. "Maybe Lily caught James dueling with the Slytherins? Theory number three? Got upset at him again?"

"Could be…" Mary said slowly.

"But then why would James be so upset?" Marlene disputed.

"Maybe because she ended up hexing him and getting mad at him instead of the Slytherins," Sirius offered completely unsure. This entire situation was becoming ridiculous.

"Listen," Marlene started. "All of this is guessing games, I reckon there is a much easier way of figuring it out."

"We could, you know, spy on them, in detention," Peter suggested.

They sat silently for an entire moment, looking at each other, before they all raced out to the portrait opening forgetting they had curfew, as if they cared.

"Shh!" Mary shushed, as they got closer. "They'll hear us."

They tiptoed as they got closer but any creaks or swishes they thought they heard were just imagination until they did hear a loud cough behind them. At once, Marlene, Sirius, Peter and Mary jumped and then sighed in relief at Remus who was on rounds but staring at them with raised, amused eyebrows.

"Moony, just in time, we are spying on Prongs and Evans… Unless you already know why they got detention?" Sirius said accusingly.

Remus rolled his eyes at his friends' antics. "Not a clue."

"You would think being a prefect we would get some inside information," Marlene said snidely.

"I can say that prefect meeting was interesting," Remus offered.

"How exactly was there a prefect meeting when the Head Boy and Girl are in detention?" Mary asked.

"That's what we were all thinking until Professor McGonagall came in and informed us she would be leading the meeting tonight, and then proceeded to take ten points from Ravenclaw when Humphreys asked what happened last night."

They continued down the hallway with Remus in tow. "So you noticed too Prongs acting funny today?"

Remus shrugged. "He's been acting funny since term started. You haven't noticed? One second he's down the next high."

Sirius considered what his friend said and tried to really think about it. In past five weeks since term started, James had been acting a bit strange… More aggressive in Quidditch practice and randomly disappearing (though he assumed that meant he was just off with Evans). His jealousy regarding her was at an ultimate high, and if Sirius hadn't already known about them, he would have surmised considering James had given Adam Cooper three nights worth of detention when he heard from Lily that he'd asked her to Hogsmeade one night after studying for Alchemy together. He justified it by saying Cooper had been wondering the halls after curfew, which no one bought (including McGonagall who'd retroactively dismissed the detention).

They arrived outside the dungeon doors, the Marauder Map telling them which classroom to find them in. They stared at each other before lowering themselves flat on the floor (like the creeps they were) and stuck their ears next to the opening of the door and performing a sound heightener charm.

"James, I'm sorry," was the first thing they heard.

"I'm not interested," James said coldly.

"I'm sorry, okay! I've said it a million times, what more do you want me to say?"

"How about just leaving me alone?"

"Please, James, you've never been this mad at me before and it's confusing."

"Good," he said shortly.

They didn't hear anything but a few creaks of movement and a mop dropping and then, "Evans, stop."

"So it's Evans now after everything?" Lily asked, her voice sounded so low that the group felt bad for her.

"Yes."

"C'mon, James. It was… a shock reaction."

"A shock reaction?" James barked. It became silent for a brief moment and they pressed their ears harder to the opening when they heard, "You know what, Lily? I'm done. I'm done with you and I'm done with this."

A second later, the door swung open and all five friends looked up guiltily at James's furious expression and Lily crying. They got up, wiping their clothes, trying to act casual as if it was normal to be caught so obviously eavesdropping (which in some ways it was for this group of friends).

"Sorry about that mate but-" Sirius began but James didn't wait for an explanation and stormed down the corridor. "You can't just leave detention like that!" Sirius yelled after him but James ignored him.

With the absence of James, all eyes turned to Lily's puffy eyes.

"Lily," Mary said going over to her and giving her a hug. "Why are you crying?"

But all Lily did was cry. Now, the thing about Lily Evans was that she was hardheaded, stubborn, infallible. She did not cry. And Sirius watched as tears flowed freely down her face becoming more and more dumbfounded and knowing he wasn't the only one. What was going on? None of it was making any sense. Obviously, something big had been kept from them.

"Lils," Marlene said softly, stroking her hair and looking at Sirius muddled. What the fuck, she mouthed and Sirius shrugged just as befuddled.

"Miss Evans, I seemed too have found-" Professor McGonagall started and then stopped at seeing triple the amount of people she had expected. She stood in the doorway with James besides her, his hands in his pockets looking down moodily. "Is there a reason the five of you seemed to have wondered into this room at this hour?"

"Just to have a jolly chat with our Head Boy and Girl and figure out what exactly happened last night to spark such an outcry," Sirius filled in.

"Out," she said with her hand pointing to the door. "Or do you also want detention?"

Sheepishly, they shuffled out and the door snapped shut behind them. They stood looking at each other (again) moving from side to side hesitantly before all at once collapsing to the floor (they were weak, and what were they suppose to do? They had a mission to accomplish).

"Now, I realize the two of you are cross with one and other but that is no excuse to abandon your detention in the middle," McGonagall's voice wafted.

"For the first time, Professor, I don't deserve this detention," James said.

"What?" rang Lily's voice. "You were there too!"

They didn't hear anything until: "ARE YOU THICK IN THE HEAD, EVANS?"

"That's enough, Potter!" McGonagall said. All they heard was deep breathing then a mop being picked up. "Now get back to work and if I find you leaving detention in the middle again I'll double it."

James grunted.

A moment passed and then: "As Professor Dumbledore said yesterday, it seems a pity to fight emotions when they are so apparent and time is being wasted."

"Yeah, tell that to Evans," James mumbled.

"James, I'm sorry!"

"Yeah, well sorry isn't good enough this time. Wait, Professor," James called out and the group on the floor realized McGonagall was near the exit and looked at each other skittishly if to abandon their spot.

"Yes, Potter?"

"I realize I have detention with Evans, but can I not have detention with Evans tomorrow?"

Their was gapping silence and then, "If you wish, Mr. Potter."

The group looked at each as they heard McGonagall open the door and sprinted with all their might back to Gryffindor Tower.

As they reached the portrait huffing, wheezing and barely alive, holding their sides for cramps and stiches, Mary somehow was able to utter the password and they tumbled into the common room.

"Wh-What the bloody hell is all this about? Wh-what happened last night?"

But only five blank and puzzled stares looked back at each other.

"We-we need to go over the th-theories again," Peter panted. "What's the top one?"

The next morning, when Lily came into the Great Hall for breakfast and saw all her friends eating plus a James Potter, the group facing the entranceway immediately spotted how Lily halted, stared at the back of James's head, turned around, stopped, turned back around, looked determined, started marching towards them before stopping altogether and leaving the Great Hall.

"I better bring her some toast," Marlene said to a Sirius who was staring at the developments with his mouth open.

"Toast, to who?" James said as he turned around to stare, his own mouth filled with food.

"Who else would come in here and leave at the sight of you? Now Prongs, you want to tell us which of the top ten theories is real considering we spent the better part of last night reviewing them instead of our homework?" Sirius provided.

James glared at his friend and flicked his sausage at Sirius's face but he flicked it away. "You lot are garbage friends."

"We personally believe it's theory number three with a few abbreviations though you and Lily keep insisting it's theory number seven," Marlene interjected.

"Are you lot talking about the theories?" Gryffindor sixth year Warner Walker asked as he slid onto the empty seat besides James.

"Yup," Mary said. "We think it is theory number three."

"I've got one galleon going that it's theory number eight," Walker said confidently.

James turned to glare at him. "Watch it, Walker or I'll put you detention for harassing the Head Boy."

"Calm your horses but I'm not the only one. Hornby bet me double or nothing that it's theory number six and King upped the anti by claiming it's theory number eight. At least we don't think you lot are dumb enough to get caught shagging, which is most of the school. Almost two hundred galleons just on theory number one."

"We aren't shagging," James muttered under his breath at the same time Peter exclaimed. "Two hundred galleons, how do I get in on this?"

Walker chortled as he got up and looked at Peter. "Talk to Peck in Hufflepuff, he's got all the tallies updated hourly. See you lot later."

"Why can't people mind their own business?" James snarled as he watched Walker stroll away chummily.

Not amused, Sirius leaned in. "Come off it, James, what happened?"

"There's nothing to talk about."

Sirius groaned in frustration and slammed his hands on the table. "Do you think we are idiots?"

Remus stepped in then. "All we are trying to say is that obviously something is happening, and we just want to be there for you two."

James huffed and then stood. "I have Quidditch practice because their is a game tomorrow and everyone seems to be forgetting I'm captain."

"I didn't forget!" Peter said but they all ignored him.

"But from the events of a few nights ago, we know you're Head Boy considering he got caught with the Head Girl… shagging?" Marlene tempted.

"For fucks sake, me and Lily were not caught shagging! And we didn't get into any duels with the Slytherins and no, we didn't lock Mrs. Norris in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom if that's what you lot want to know so badly!" James all but yelled at his friends. James's voice though was loud enough to be carried down the Gryffindor table were people started stare.

"Aha!" Sirius jumped up onto the bench and pointed at James. "I knew you were lying about Mrs. Norris."

Remus pulled Sirius down and looked at James gently. "Fine, so what exactly did happen?"

The group of eyes stared at James and James groaned and looked at the top of the cloudless ceiling. "Ask Lily, alright? She's the one with all the secrets to keep."

With that he turned away and headed to the field, the rest of his Quidditch team unsure if to follow their irritated captain but did so, but followed a few steps behind.

"We should go study…" Mary said slowly.

"Or," Sirius offered. "We go find Evans?"

They stood abruptly and made their way to Gryffindor Tower, charging against the traffic as they passed through the throngs of people bustling on their way to their weekend activities.

"Now that we know it's not the Slytherins, what do you think happened?" Peter said as the portrait hole was within sight.

But none of them had any answers as their second top theory was crossed out. "Maybe they really were trying to sneak out of school?"

But even as the theory was offered none of it made sense. Why would James be so angry with Lily? The last few months, James and Lily could barely hide their uninhibited attraction to each other. Flirting dangerously in classes, always scheduling rounds together, laughing at each other's jokes even when they weren't funny… What could possibly have gone wrong?

They entered into the pretty empty common room to find Lily sitting near the fireplace. At first, they didn't hear it but as they moved closer they heard the cries, then the sobs and finally saw the tears. Lily Evans was crying hysterically. Marlene rushed to her.

"What the bloody fuck is going on?" Sirius yelped as Mary shoved past him and embraced her friend.

Lily jumped at the unexpected guests and tried wiping her tears but more fell in replacement. "Nothing, I just don't-"

"Bullocks and you know it," Sirius said, taking a seat on the coffee table across from her and the others followed. "Now, what happened?"

Lily was silent and stared at the floor and gulped for air between her deep breaths she couldn't seem to take because of her sobbing. She exhaled slowly and then looked at her friends. "Me and James have been… together." She expected at least a gasp of surprise but looked at five different blank faces that didn't seem to be all too shocked.

"Sorry to break it to you, love," Marlene said. "But you two weren't very good at hiding."

"I mean besides the fact the two of you have been flirting relentlessly and you let him touch you all the time without hexing or yelling at him anymore, I caught the two of you at the lake a few weeks ago," Mary said shrugging.

"At least the lake is partially hidden, I saw them in the empty classroom near the prefect's lounge," Remus laughed at a Lily who was growing increasingly redder.

"I got you all beat," said Peter with a knowing smile. "In James's bed in broad daylight ditching Potions, hangings ups and everything."

"You- you knew? You all knew?" Lily said horrified. "Why didn't any of you say anything?"

"Didn't seem like our place," Remus said kindly. "Figured you would come clean when you felt comfortable enough."

"But honestly, it's almost as if you two weren't even trying to hide," Sirius said smartly as he rose from his seat and looked down at Lily. "So… want to tell us what happened two nights ago that you're in tears and James is stomping around?"

Lily swallowed and shook her head. "Not really."

"Not really giving you an option," Sirius said flatly.

Lily looked down and then up again and then down again and more tears filled her eyes. "James, he uh, well… James never wanted to keep it a secret."

"Surprise there," Sirius chirped.

Lily glared at him. "Listen, I just wasn't ready. Everything was happening so quickly and I couldn't keep up. I mean," Lily said waving her fingers through each other anxiously as if she had thought this over a million and ten times, which she probably had. "One day I was hexing him and the next he was responsible and kind and he helped that cute Hufflepuff in First Year when he tripped on the trick staircase and lost all his books."

"Wait!" Marlene said jumping up, standing next to Sirius and glaring down at her friend. "That was last year! James helped that kid last year and don't even try to convince me different because I remember those mooneyes you had after! HOW LONG HAVE THE TWO OF YOU BEEN SNOGGING?"

Lily swallowed and shrugged guilty. "Around about nine months… since my birthday."

This was the reaction Lily had expected as their mouths fell open gobsmacked. "Nine months?" Mary repeated. "But, but how?!"

"Why?" Sirius said. "I get what you said at first with the fast and the hexing but it's been nine bloody months, obviously not so fast anymore."

"And nine months isn't exactly snogging," Marlene butt in, continuing her glaring at her friend and not caring at how further dejected she looked. "You lot are in a full throttle relationship is what you two are in! Call it what you want."

"Lily," Remus said gently and touched her shoulder kindly, trying a different approach from his friends harsh one. "Why the secrecy?"

Fresh tears fell down her face and Lily looked up at the group agonizingly. "At first, it was just confusing! You have to understand, he was Potter but then suddenly he was James and he was so, so compassionate and reliable, and I just couldn't understand how I didn't see it before. And then I liked snogging him but I couldn't figure out if I liked him but then I did like him, a lot. And it was just confusing so I asked him to keep it between us so I could figure it out and then the summer came and then term started…"

"And nine months later?"

Tears streamed freely down her face and she wasn't even trying to hide it as their friends realized they weren't just dealing with a couple of sneaky students hiding their snogging. This was a real couple, a nine-month anniversary kind of couple…

"Well, James didn't want to hide it anymore," Lily explained.

"I can't imagine why," Sirius intervened but Lily ignored him.

"He's always been so honest and… even though he didn't want to keep it a secret he did for me."

Mary stroked her friend's hair and considered. "So what happened?"

"He uh," Lily hiccupped and looked at her friends. "The second term started, he just kept badgering me on and on and I couldn't take it anymore, you guys know how he can be…"

"Listen, at nine months I would be too," Sirius muttered under his breath but Remus shushed him.

"So when we went for rounds, we were circling the Astronomy Tower and he just, he just kept hounding me…"

"Lily, c'mon! There's nothing stopping us, let's just be together."

"We are together, now shut it!"

"I can't keep it a secret anymore, and I'm pretty sure all our friends know anyways."

Lily twisted around and glared at him. "What? Did you tell them?"

Her animosity startled him. "Of course not… I just… Lily, I want to be with you and I want to share that with everyone. I'm tired of all this hiding, all right? I can't do it anymore."

"So what are you saying?" Lily said sternly, looking anywhere but him. "You don't want to be with me anymore?"

James gaped at her and took a step forward, pulling her into his arms. "Are you mad? I'm saying the exact opposite! I want more then anything to be with you and for everyone to know!"

Lily pulled away and looked to her side as she crossed her arms. "I'm just not ready… I…"

"Is it me?" James finally asked earnestly, desperately. "Do you just not love me enough?"

Lily's eyes widened and she shook her head adamantly as she crossed over to him and touched his cheeks. "No, James, of course not. You know I love you."

"Then what's the problem? I love you, you love me and there's absolutely nothing to hide!"

"James-"

"No! I'm sick of hiding. I'm going to tell everyone tonight."

"No, you are not!" Lily said panicked as she pulled at his shoulder. "Just stop it."

"Or what?"

Lily looked at James and he looked at her just as ardently because they had reached a crossroads. The situation had become impossible for him.

"I can't do this anymore. I don't want too."

Tears formed in Lily's eyes but James didn't rush to brush them away. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying," James said sincerely. "That I want to shout it from the rooftops that we are together."

With that James jumped onto the ledge of the Astronomy Tower and looked down at Lily who was looking at him horrified.

"James, get down from there!"

James cupped his hands instead and yelled, "I LOVE LILY!"

Lily pulled at his pant leg but he stepped away from her. "James, stop it!"

"Or what?" he mocked and yelled into the open sky again. "I LOVE LILY AND SHE LOVES ME BACK!"

"Stop," she hissed, trying to pull him down.

"ME AND LILY ARE IN A RELATIONSHHH-"

"And then I pushed him," she concluded.

The group was silent as they stared stunned, their words lost as they tried to formulate complete sentences.

"You pushed James off the Astronomy Tower?" Sirius yelped. "How did he survive?"

Lily swallowed and huffed loudly. "It was an accident! I didn't mean to do it obviously! He was just being so frustrating, standing up there declaring those things."

"Must be hard having someone love you so much that he stood on the Astronomy Tower and yelled it," Marlene shot at her.

"But how did he survive?" Remus repeated wide-eyed, staring at Lily in a totally new light.

"Well, McGonagall must of heard all the shouting because she uh happened to, well see me push James and right away Levitated his body to the fifth floor balcony, and James cast his own cushioning charm so that when he landed it wasn't that bad."

The group just outright gaped at her, unsure how to proceed. "This is mad," Remus finally said. "Lily, have you lost your mind?"

Lily jumped up in frenzy and looked around at them. "Listen, it wasn't the right reaction but I didn't know what to do! Obviously, I shouldn't have pushed him but he just wouldn't shut up! And I regret it and it was an accident clearly but if James knew anything about me then he would know that was definitely not the way to get me to agree!"

But the astonished faces didn't fade as Lily made her way to her room.

"This is mad," Mary concluded.

"I was not expecting that…" Peter agreed as they looked around at each other.

"I don't even know how to move forward," Marlene added.

"Right well, you two talk to Evans, and… we'll talk to Prongs," Sirius said, scratching the back of his head. "But I have to say… if I were him… I mean, she pushed him from the Astronomy Tower."

They sat silently before they heard a light snigger and looked over at Peter who shrugged. "It's a bit funny, I mean imagine his face."

Mary rolled her eyes but Marlene couldn't help cracking a smile and Sirius outright busted out laughing. Soon they were all laughing, even Remus, at the absurdity of the entire situation.

"Evans pushed Prongs off the Astronomy Tower," Sirius repeated, now with tears in his eyes. "Imagine what they'll tell their children."

"What are you lot laughing at?" James grumped, climbing through the portrait hole and towards his friends. He seemed to scan the group and sighed in relief when he realized Lily wasn't there, which honestly just made the entire group sad. It used to be the opposite. He slumped onto the vaccinated spot on the couch left by Lily and looked into the fire, brooding.

"We just had an interesting chat with Evans," Sirius started and with that the two girls bid their farewells and went to meet Lily in the girls dormitory.

"Yeah," James said, picking at a string on his Quidditch robes. "What she'd have to say?"

"Only that two of you have been shagging for oh say nine months?" Sirius supplied.

James's head snapped back to his best friends, his mouth hanging opening. "She told you? She actually said it out loud?"

"Sat just where you were now," Sirius nodding in false seriousness.

"She, she told you guys everything?" James asked slowly as the idea that his friends finally knew this deep, dark secret relaxed an unknown tension that had been high strung within him and out came a dazzling smile.

His three friends couldn't help but grin at his reaction as Peter clapped a hand on his back. "I'm assuming a congrats is in order?"

James started to say something but he seemed to fall back into himself. "It doesn't matter."

His friends glanced at one and other before huddling around their obviously depressed friend. "After all these years of pining, you finally get Evans and you're going to let one little push-"

"She shoved me off the Astronomy Tower."

"A setback," Peter offered but James continued to glower.

"Listen, we were down here talking to her and she seemed pretty remorseful-" Remus started but James waved him off.

"She's upset?" James said dryly. "Do realize that she would rather push me off the Astronomy Tower then even admit publicly that we are together?"

They couldn't fight with that logic so they remained silent, eventually James slumping in his seat. "It's been torture is what it's been. All I want is to be with her! And she… would rather accidently kill me then be with me! It's like what is there even to be ashamed of?"

"James," Sirius started slowly, patting his friend on the back. "It's Lily, she's always been like that. Thinking too much, worried too much. It's because she cares too much. And she doesn't want to get hurt, again."

James shrugged despondently, knowing all this but it had become enough and that much was obvious to everyone. How much was he expected to take? He loved her. He wanted to be with her and he was done hiding it. And, he was never going to hurt if he could help it. All he wanted to do was make her happy. He told his friends as much.

"Like I said," James said getting up. "It doesn't matter anymore. The ball is in her pitch. And if she wants me, she knows were to find me."

"And if she doesn't?"

The sorrow that filled his eyes made his friend instantly regret asking anything at all and James just shook his head as he slouched to his dormitory, the very notion that he had already lost Lily much to close to his reality.

"Lily," Mary asked kindly as she entered into the room to see Lily spooned on her bed, holding onto her extra pillow.

"Yeah?" she asked despondently.

The two girls looked at each other before surrounding her bed and sitting besides her. "Just checking in."

They remained quiet as Marlene stroked her friend's hair and Mary her arm. Silent tears fell down Lily's cheeks as she sniffled. "He's never going to speak to me again, is he?"

"C'mon, Lils," Marlene said, trying to lower the sadness overwhelming the room. "He's been obsessed with you for years, I doubt he's just going to let go."

"It's different this time."

The girls looked at each other because they couldn't deny the fact that pushing James off the Astronomy Tower was a bit radical.

"Lils," Mary asked gently. "But what's stopping you? Everyone already knows…"

Lily gulped and sat up, leaning against her headboard. "It's all so confusing. I love him but I'm scared. What if he wakes up and realizes all of me isn't worth… well, the effort?"

"Lily," Marlene groaned. "He's been asking you out since fifth year! Been crushing on you since forth and you've been together since sixth! He's kept it a literal secret for nine months. What makes you possibly think he wouldn't want you?"

"And if doesn't… well, Lily, you are strong and capable, and it will be alright. Eventually it always is," Mary said calmly.

Lily sighed. "You're probably right, but James is… furious. He won't even look at me. I tried talking to him during our detention but he just ignored me. He's never been this angry with me before. I don't really know how to take it, honestly."

"James just has a bruised ego right now," Marlene said. "I mean, you did push him off the Astronomy Tower."

"It was an accident."

"Still happened."

"He's never going to forgive me," Lily sighed, slumping back onto her pillow.

"He will, he just needs… some time," Mary said. "But Lily… I think you need to decide if you truly want to be with him."

"Of course I do!" Lily said appalled at the question.

"Right, well you need to start acting like it, by telling people," Marlene said, butting in. "I mean it's been nine bloody months, I'm surprised James didn't push you off the bloody Tower."

"I told you lot," Lily motioned.

The two girls looked at Lily sympathetically and gave her grim smiles. "I don't think it's enough honestly."

Lily glared at her ceiling at the un-satisfaction of it all. "What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know," Marlene said, at last moving to her own bed. "Think what James would do."

It was the next day, morning of the first Gryffindor Quidditch match of the season versus Ravenclaw. The girls had shuffled into the room, forcing Lily down the stairs in her House colors, to eat breakfast.

"He doesn't want to see me," she had insisted to their denials though Marlene wasn't quite sure after her brief conversation with Sirius last night.

"He's pretty upset," Sirius explained as they pulled on their own clothes after a brief shagging section in a broom cupboard. "I'm pretty sure I heard him crying into his pillow earlier. I don't think Evans is getting away with it that easily to tell you the truth."

They sat at the table and Lily didn't even try not to stare at James and the multiple girls surrounding him. She mashed at her food and pouted into her morning tea.

"Lily," Mary said softly but she shrugged her off as the rest of the Marauders sauntered into the room and took a seat by them.

"Good morning, lovely ladies," Sirius said as he took a bit of toast and started pouring scrambled eggs onto his plate.

"Morning," Lily mumbled as she took another glance at James.

"Uh," Sirius laughed into his food. "Unrequited love?"

She ignored him but Sirius wasn't one for being ignored and called down the table. "Oi, Prongs! I think someone has something to say to you this morning."

James looked over at his best friend, saw his whatever sitting next to him and got up. "Yeah, what's that?"

Lily became tongue tied as James stalked over and stood over their friends as he looked down at Lily expectantly. "I uh… I just wanted to wish you luck."

James crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows. "That it?"

Lily bit her lip and looked up at him desperately. "What more do you want me to say?"

But that seemed to make James angrier and he just stomped away and Lily looked after him mutely. She got up then and chased after him, grabbing his hand near the side of the entranceway, their friends moving closer to the end of the table trying to hear the hushed argument.

"James, I told you I'm sorry, what else can I do?"

"It's not that simple anymore."

"James…"

"You pushed me off the Astronomy Tower!"

He said it loud enough that a few prying eyes looked over curiously. Lily blushed under his intense gaze, glaring at him to be quiet while trying to ignore McGonagall's piercing look. "Please be quiet. And I'm sorry! I obviously didn't mean it, you know that."

"Come off it, Evans," and Lily flinched at the use of her surname. "You would rather push me off the Astronomy Tower then be with me. I mean look at us now!" Motioning his hands around the Great Hall because even though they were making a commotion, their voices were so hushed no one could clearly hear what was being said. "It's still a bloody secret."

"I told our friends," she said grabbing his shoulder as he turned to walk away.

He looked over and shrugged her off. "Under duress and it's not enough."

"What am I supposed to do? Shout it for everyone to hear?" she demanded.

James turned around and lifted his chin. "Yeah, do that."

Lily crossed her arms in defiance. "I'm not like that and I'm still… I'm…"

But James punctured at her words and looked away from his source of distress. "Right, I reckon I'm going to go."

"So that's it?" Lily asked franticly. "You'd rather just break up, just like that? Just because I'm not ready to, to tell anyone!"

"I'd rather just be with you, Lily," he said brokenly. "It's up to you, it always been. I'm just asking you to meet me halfway."

"James," Lily croaked. "I'm just not… I don't…"

Bu he completely deflated at her indecisiveness and at his Quidditch team came hurrying up and surrounded him completely. James took one last look at her.

"See you around, Evans," he said miserably as people tried to get him away from her and Lily was left standing there, heart sinking further and further down her chest.

Their friends came to a stoic Lily and hugged her. "Let's go to the pitch, yeah?" Mary offered, taking Lily by the shoulders and leading her out.

"I think we just broke up," Lily muttered wretchedly.

Their friends looked between them, unsure of what to do, again. How was it that two people who were so supposed to be with one and other just couldn't get it together? It was straight up mystifying.

They found seats near the announcer box, a bit removed from everyone else because even though no one explicitly heard the contents of their talk in the Great Hall, the scene only opened further speculation on what exactly the Head Boy and Girl did to receive detention.

Lily looked on sadly as Madame Houch called out the members of each Quidditch team and they zoomed into the air.

"And off the teams go," Jaxson Grant roared into the enchanted microphone. "Now, Ravenclaw has a steady defense this year considering…"

The voices faded far away as Lily watched James catch a Quaffle, weaving through the players. A Bludger suddenly hit him in the back and Lily silently cried out as she watched James lean forward, dropping the Quaffle in the process.

"Woah!" Peter said to no one in particular. "James never gets hit! FOUL!"

But the roars of the Gryffindor were ignored as the gamed picked up and Lily watched dully as James tried scoring and missed, holding the Quaffle dropping it or just getting hit by Bludgers randomly even when they weren't headed towards him.

"He's off his game," Peter said, and the boys looked at each other and then at Lily.

"Wonder why?" Sirius said pointedly but Lily didn't even have a response.

But when Lily watched as a Bludger almost knocked James off his broom, his face completely desolate instead of frustrated, and her heart lurched from her chest. What exactly was stopping her? What was she so scared off? James loved her. She loved him. And for heaven's sake, their friends already knew. They had known for months! Who cared?

Lily took one frantic glance at her friends as she jumped up and leaned over the rail.

"James!" she called out but he obviously didn't hear. "JAMES! JAMES!"

Even if he heard her shouts through the wind and roar of the crowd, he ignored them and zoomed right past her without even looking.

Lily huffed in frustration and looked at her friends who were looking at her with matching confused stares.

"And Potter drops the Quaffle again! Wonder what's gotten into him," Grant commented and Lily looked up at the announcer room with sudden inspiration. Her friends watched confounded as she leaped from her seat and raced towards the stairs leading to the room. With widen eyes they watched as Lily opened the door, as Grant was mid-sentence.

"And Marlowe blocks the Qua- what the hell, Evans? What are you doing in here?" Grant bellowed into the microphone as Lily burst into his room and the entire stadium stopped to look over at the announcer booth and both Grant and Lily felt the eyes of everyone, including non-moving Quidditch teams who remained motionless on their brooms. Lily especially noticed the lightly gaping mouth of James Potter.

She ignored Grant as she shoved past him and took the microphone into her own hands.

"Potter," she said breathlessly into the microphone, staring unwaveringly at him. James, for his part, was staring back at her unsure, confused and hopeful, and she wanted to take away any doubt he was experiencing. "I love you."

Everyone gasped as she swallowed the words as she only had eyes for James who just gawked at her.

"I'm sorry I pushed you off the Astronomy Tower," she said to more gasps. She saw McGonagall start to move and realized she was running on limited time and rushed through. "But it was only because I was scared by how much I love you. And if I'm being honest, I've loved you since fifth year; I just didn't know it then. Well, maybe I didn't love you but I definitely fancied you even though I tried desperately to hide it hoping those feelings would just, you know, poof… but they never did. I love you James Potter, I always have and I'm so sorry if you ever doubted me for one second of one day. Because I think about you all the time and think 'Wow, James would find that funny' or 'Wouldn't that be nice to do with James'. I'm sorry I kept us a secret but I don't care anymore, I just want to be with you, that's all I want. So please forgive me. Please.

"Anyways, that's all I wanted to say."

As her babble died into nothingness, the entire stadium was silent and Lily's heart was pounding into the depth of her eyes like razor sharp rocks against her chest, her eyes never leaving James, whose were round as saucers.

She felt a total loss as the adrenaline that pushed her forward faded and she was left with an entirely too silent of a stadium. No one seemed to move or make a sound but stare at Lily agape as she handed the microphone back to seemingly stupefied Grant. Lily looked back over at James who was staring, and felt her pulse speed up, as his eyes flamed looking over her.

She heard the door open and was surprised to see McGonagall with a sympathetic hand on her shoulder as she finally turned away from James, trying to ignore the severe disappointment spreading throughout her burning body. She faced her professor, red with embarrassment because Lily Evans did not do things like that especially considering James just stared at her as if she cut off her own limb instead of publicly declaring her love, she thought vehemently. She had done just as he wanted!

"Evans, why don't you come with me?"

But in that moment the door was slammed open for the third time and James sprinted through it, his broomstick rolling down the stairs abandoned, and Lily didn't think or consider and just leapt into his arms, bursting into tears and kissing him without thought as she wrapped her legs around his waist as he swept her against his own body.

And he smothered her with kisses on her cheeks and neck and ears as she held onto him for dear life because he was her life and she never wanted to let go. Lily was crying then and even James wiped his eyes on her hair as he proclaimed his love in return and she said it back because finally for James it was real and alive for everyone to see. And the roar of the stadium filled both their ears as the entire school exploded into thunderous cheers, and James distinctly heard Sirius whopping and Marlene yelling crudely and a laughing Remus. But James kissed Lily again because it was Lily and she was finally in his arms and she wasn't hiding them anymore.

"Is this real?" he asked dazed

She gives him a weepy but happy smile. "Yup, and now you're stuck with me."

"Good," he murmured and pulled her back for another kiss.

"I love you," she said and James grinned with the absolute knowledge that only this morning they had hidden their hushed argument and now the entire school heard their make-up. It was a Marauder dream come true.

"You have no idea how much I needed to hear that," James said as he kissed her nose.

"Don't get used to this," Lily murmured as a blush formed her face and she finally looked out to the crowd who was blatantly staring and gossiping and cheering but James only had eyes for her.

"I love you, Lily."

Lily smiled back and was about to respond but McGonagall tapped them on the shoulder. Even through her no nonsense, stern face, they both could see her obvious affection. "Detention."

"C'mon, Professor! I don't deserve this detention either!" James guiled but he released Lily, setting her down on her feet steadily without releasing his wrapped arms around her.

Lily smacked him but she couldn't have looked happier as she gazed at him.

"Why don't you finish this match?" she said with raised eyebrows.

"Oh yeah, that thing," James said with an easy smirk as McGonagall ushered them out of the room and James was handed his broomstick by an amused Remus. "Off to be the hero," he said jumping onto his broom, kissing Lily once more before winking to the crowd and zoomed back onto the pitch to numerous cheers.

Lily blushed deeply as she went back to sit with her friends, grinning uncontrollably as Marlene hugged her and Sirius pulled her around the neck. "Wasn't so hard, was it?"

Lily shrugged haplessly as the Quidditch figures started moving around once again.

"Alright," Grant drawled. "Now that we've established that Evans loves Potter, we can get back to the match. Though I gotta point out, interesting that theory number four, Lily murdering James, was the reason they got their original detention in the first place."

The crowd laughed hysterically and James lifted his arm in mock strength and Lily shook her head at her very public boyfriend. What a showoff but then again, so was she apparently.

"So Wormtail, how much money did we win?" Sirius said and Lily looked at him astounded.

"You bet on us?"

"What? You two were good money, theory number four and all. Thanks for the tip."

The End

[evansnjames]

No Headlights in Paradise (9/14)

No Headlights in Paradise

Chapter 9 – It Pointed Towards Lily

Song choice: Style by Taylor Swift

You can read it from the start at ff.net!

It had been exactly seven weeks since Operation Protective Green started, and Lily felt as if the heat of the summer was turning her mad. Paranoia hit its ultimate high, and it didn't help that on this particular day, Lily decided to wear a grey shirt. She could feel the sweat licking her tailbone, and she groaned as she made her way out of volunteering, hoping no one noticed the humiliating stains. They definitely had.

As she walked out, waving to a few administrators, Lily noticed that today, similar to the previous week, they received fewer injuries. The operation most definitely reached its peak two weeks ago… two weeks ago when she received her letter from James Potter. The letter that remained unanswered on her bedroom table. She shook off the thought because she just didn't want to think about it anymore. It was unfair of him to always enter her thoughts in the middle of the night without having any intentions of staying!

Or at least that's what she told herself each night when he did just that.

She huffed in frustration, as she started walking towards the Apparition point. It seemed sunnier, as if the clouds were opening up and the blue sky was seeping through. It took Lily a moment to realize why the sight had become so unfamiliar. Even though it had been grueling hot outside, it had been a very cloudy summer. Maybe the blue sky opening up was in honor of the seventy-two hour ceasefire established? The ceasefire the Ministry was hoping to evolve to a long-term one. But Lily didn't have her hopes up yet considering there'd been several ceasefires throughout the operation. All of which had been violated.

With every ceasefire, the entire situation became more maddening for Lily. Everything about this campaign lasted much longer then originally expected, longer then any previous operation. Overall, Lily there was something impressive in the way the Wizarding community met the protracted challenge; nonetheless, the extended nature of the operation, its complexity, and the fluctuations on the Auror front created new challenges for the Wizarding community this generation never faced before. The ceasefires only seemed to make it worse, and Lily wondered what on Earth the Ministry thought to itself each time they declared one. The Death Eater's always violated them, and it would be expected that the several lulls would ease the pressure and re-muster energy. In fact, it seemed to do the opposite, as it only created a sense of uncertainty, frustration, and helplessness that twisted the public's opinion that the Ministry's pursuit was too restrained of an approach to the dark rebellion.

It didn't help, that so far, a total of thirteen Aurors had been killed with over thirty-five being injured, an amount that hadn't been seen since the times of Grindelwald. Seven Death Eater were confirmed dead, although the number remained elusive considering no one really knew what to believe from their camp. Yet, as less Aurors came through the clinic Lily volunteered in, she started treating more civilians for shock or injuries ranging from getting in the crosshairs of spells to fallen debris to violence in the cities.

Lily Apparated back to the Potter's, choking on the heat, reminding her again how as the heat intensified the Auror's were still outside battling. If she was hot, what were they? In all her listening to the radio and reading articles, she stumbled upon that any operation the Ministry carried out they tried to do in the summer. Lily comprehended that winter was coldbut this summer had just been stifling, but then again, maybe sleeping outside in the heat was better then sleeping outside in the cold.

She walked the now familiar garden, crossing the threshold to the front door that recognized her as it swung open without question. The house was quiet as expected, though she heard Swifty muffling around in the kitchen. The Potter's were off, helping, Lily was sure, and she couldn't help the smile spreading across her face just thinking about them. Though both retired, it seemed their mission in life had become spreading good well, helping in whatever way possible their supposed superior blood-status could provide.

She set her bag aside, staring in disgust at the multiple sweat mark left on her grey shirt when she noticed a letter on the entranceway with her name. She immediately recognized Smetty's handwriting and tore it open.

Lily,

I'm hearing the operation is going to end soon, and I am sure by the time you have received this letter the long-term ceasefire will have already gone into effect. Please meet me as soon as you can at my flat in Cornwall? I've missed you.

Smetty

Lily crushed the letter to her chest as she took deep, long breaths. She rushed over to the radio in the sitting room and turned the dial just in time to hear the Minister of Magic declare the dark rebellion entered into a ceasefire with no gains or accomplishments and that the operation had come to a halt. Lily squealed as she happily jumped around the carpet, utter joy racing through her knowing it was finally over. It was over, for now anyways, and she would take this temporary happiness for what it was and spend it wisely, not listening to the radio for at least a month.

She hurried up the stairs, stomping on each step as she zoomed into her room, and flicked her wand to open the closet as her trunk flew onto her bed and lay open. She removed her horrible grey shirt and replaced it with a white, loose t-shirt. She considered removed her black skirt but decided it was glued onto her body anyways. She started packing in hazard, throwing anything she could find into her suitcase, unsure of what to bring or leave or… would she be coming back to the Potter's? The question made her pause.

What exactly was her plan?

She wanted to come back, that she knew with a validity of something she'd already decided. But if she would return to Cornwall, to Smetty, what did that entail? Somewhere in the heat of the summer, she'd finally admitted to herself maybe she didn't want to rush back to Smetty. The idea of it felt flawed and silly… but her being with him was flawed. And she couldn't imagine Smetty being to pleased in her returning to the Potter's considering now that the operation was over James would most certainly be returning home…

James.

James would be home soon.

Her heart hammered loudly in her chest, and she tried those exhaling techniques the Healer in the clinic recommend she do but they weren't working. James would be coming home any minute now, she could feel it, she knew it and the stag against her chest was confirming it.

He could be home right now.

The panic fluttering through her heart did nothing but speed up as she stepped out of her room and peaked at his door. It was shut closed like it had been most of the summer. She walked down the hallway, purposefully stepping on the creak in the middle waiting to see if the door would open. After she stood stupidly for a solid minute she gave a sigh of relief. Until she looked up, giving a startled breath as James's door opened.

He looked dreadful. He had patched, overgrown scuffle along his face, dirt in his nails and cracked bruises lining his arms that desperately needed dittany. Lily was quite certain too he was wearing a dark brown shirt once had been white, and his slacks had holes in them that hadn't originally been there. She stood staring at him for a moment when her eyes finally met his and she couldn't look away. For whatever it was, James was home, and he was alive and that was basically all Lily asked for through this entire blasted thing.

So before she could put another two thoughts together, she raced towards him. He met her in the middle, catching her between his arms, holding onto her much too tightly but Lily didn't care. She clutched his chest to her own and inhaled the scent of him as she felt his arms creep up her back and his nose pressed against her hair. She stepped on her tiptoes to reach more of him, wrapping her arms around his neck and just holding him because he was alive. He had survived.

"Lily," he said into her hair, and his voice hoarse.

She briefly pulled back, cupping his cheek and he nuzzled into it. The feel of his beard against her hand so unfamiliar, so unlike James.

"Hi," she whispered. "When did you get home?"

"A few hours ago," he murmured and he seemed to have had enough conversation, pulling her back into his arms, the prickle of his beard against her neck making her shiver.

And they stood there, beats passing in prolonged seconds, and time seeped into each other because they never had enough time but when together it stopped. At some point, in the middle, she understood that he needed this time more than her. So she let him hold her and take comfort in her body and tried to ignore her own swell of emotions at seeing him in this state.

She caressed his back and she felt him shudder against her as he reluctantly pulled back. She tried ignoring the tingling in her lower body as his hands skimmed her waist and she felt his eyes take her in. Or how his arms felt stronger, steadier as they held her. She swallowed, her body reacting so acutely to James that she took a step back even though she felt a jab of pain at his release.

"I'm glad to see you," she said now into the awkward space.

He looked at her with reserve. "Are you?"

"Can't you tell?" She had practically flung herself at him, only letting go when she no longer could control her basic impulse. How daft could he be? But then again, he had essentially been in a war zone for seven weeks. Lily had the right of mind to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"You never answered my post," he finally said.

She bit her lip, annoyed but tried not to be because his eyes were intense and lost and tired. He was physically there but Lily right away saw that he hadn't fully returned home. And for the first time, Lily considered how selfish it was not to respond, even politely. It wasn't like in the middle of the operation he had plentiful amounts of time to think about reasons why Lily wouldn't answer or still be angry with him. He was after all fighting and when he wasn't fighting, people who were fighting surrounded him.

So she came forward and took his hand because it was the least she could do and looked up into his far too mature eyes. "Let's talk about it later, yeah?"

"Why?" he demanded but squeezed her hands and pulled them both to their sides.

"Because you're obviously grouchy, and you should probably eat something."

James considered her for a brief moment and gave her a small smile as he shrugged.

Lily smiled, a small smile that didn't reach her eyes because she just didn't know what to do, what she could give him that would make him feel better, and ensure she wouldn't come out doomed. Again.

She released his hands and swallowed. "Have you eaten yet?"

He shook his head. Lily took his hand gently, leading him down the stairs when she noticed his severe limp.

"James, what-" she started rattled as she gripped his hips.

"I'm fine," he said too quickly, unable to avoid his cringe as he took another step. "I'm just extremely sore… in our last post they had us climbing rocks."

Lily could almost hear the trace of a good-hearted complaint, soothing her even as she held onto him. She assisted him towards the stairs but it seemed once James started walking, he was fine even though he flinched at every step.

She sat him down in the kitchen table and he looked at her as she made her way around the kitchen, opening and closing cabinets. She felt his gaze on her but tried to ignore it but ignoring James Potter had always been difficult for Lily Evans. She turned to him, ready to let out a teasing remark when she again looked into his lost eyes.

"You've made yourself at home here," he said softly.

Lily, unsure of how to respond, bit her lip. "I… I know, well at first, I just… I mean, I wanted to- but your mom did and I just… it was hard, I mean its still hard for me so- but they've been so kind to me and I couldn't stop."

Lily finished her useless and lame babble as she looked back at James who was chuckling, and seeing him finally smile warmed her heart even though she knew it shouldn't.

"I'm glad, Lily. Really." He stood unexpectedly, causing Lily to take a step backwards but she forced herself to stand still as he moved forward and stood over her. "At night, when I couldn't sleep, which was most of them, I would think about you here and it was comforting. Almost as if… you were mine."

"I could have been," she said before she could think too much about the fact. "I could have been yours if you had let me."

Lily's head was pushed backwards now as she stared into his dark eyes, eyes that didn't look like the James she knew but when his hands moved to cup her cheeks it felt like him.

"I never wanted to hurt you."

She nuzzled into his calloused hand, as the other moved down to her hips and she closed her eyes.

"You disappeared."

"I know," his voice a velvet revolver as his thumb brushed over her lips. "I thought about you every day."

Her eyes snapped back to his intense ones, and her heartbeat glazed as he looked down at her talking as if he meant it, and her body remained stormy in his grasp.

"Lily, you had to have known," he whispered as he lowered his head but in a moment of clarity, Lily pushed him back because she had known. He stumbled from the sheer surprise as he stared at her.

"I have a boyfriend," she panted as if it mattered.

James didn't move and Lily didn't move because what were they supposed to do? It was unnerving standing in a room with someone she was supposed to be with. Because Lily had always known that as long as James was alive she was supposed to be with him. But they couldn't be. And for what? They crashed and burned and came together again but Lily didn't want to crash and burn anymore.

So they stood their staring at each other, not knowing what to do with the love of their lives so close but so out of reach.

Thankfully, they were interrupted.

"Master James!" Swifty squeaked, running into the room and grabbing his hand ignoring his injuries and seemingly unaware of the strain shadowing the room. "I've cooked up all your favorite meals! Come and see!"

James was dragged out of the room, and Lily looked on humorlessly until she saw the dining room table and her eyes popped. Swifty had not exaggerated in the slightest as Lily saw a range from mashed sweet potatoes to roasted chicken to pasta with cream sauce.

"Thank you, Swifty," James said kindly to her beaming smile. "Evans might have moved in but I'm still your favorite, aren't I?" James asked teasingly as she flushed in embarrassment.

"Master Potter!" Swifty said in a hushed tone as if Lily couldn't hear her squeal and glanced over at Lily worryingly. "I- I- now Master Potter you are being mischievous."

"Don't worry, Swifty," Lily said gently. "James is just a tease."

Her eyes flashed to his and his back to her, and her heart skipped a beat.

The slam of the front door tore them apart as James's parents rushed in. They looked at James for one moment before he was enveloped in a double hug without thought. Lily watched from afar at the love glowing between parents and son; Fleamont choking up at hugging his son and Euphemia holding on as if letting him go off when he was five years old had been a horrible, no good idea…

"We came as soon as we heard," Fleamont said releasing him as he took a better look.

"Took you guys long enough, I've been stuck here for hours with only Evans for company," James muttered and his dad had no qualms smacking his head even when so obviously injured. "Ouch."

"You should be lucky that Lily even tolerates you, god knows I wouldn't," Fleamont said, shaking his head at a grumbling James.

"Fleamont," Euphemia said with stern eyes, and her husband shut up immediately. "Where's Sirius?" she said turning back to her son.

"Uh fine, he just went back to the Order of Phoenix base. Finish something or other I didn't really hear him through being tired and all," James mumbled.

After a few more seconds, James realized his parents had no intention of letting him go, and attempted to move away unsuccessfully. "You lot are embarrassing me."

"From who?" Fleamont said, the two finally releasing him. "From Lily? She's practically family already."

Lily blushed at the compliment. "That's kind of you."

"The truth," he stated as he took a seat at the end of the table. "Part of the family despite James's constant mess ups."

The two of them flushed immediately, and Euphemia out right glowered at her husband. "Fleamont," she said warningly.

Getting the message, he clapped his hands as he looked around the table. "I see Swifty hasn't wasted any time."

James and his mother took a seat, and Lily stood still unsure. All three of them looking at her expectantly.

"Maybe I should all let you be, family time…"

"No," she heard the three of them say at once and Lily couldn't help the grin that emerged.

"As I've told you time and again," Euphemia voiced. "You are family, now please take a seat so we can have dinner."

Lily looked over at James. "Please, Lily."

She swallowed as she took a seat across from him, her eyes never leaving his. She wanted to be there for him, and she wondered what he was feeling. It all felt so jumbled in her mind, as if what she knew she should do felt very far from her grasp. And each time she tried reaching for it, she was reminded of how much she didn't want what she was reaching for.

"Let's just enjoy this moment, yeah?" James said as his parents became distracted by something.

"You want me here?" she asked in a hushed tone.

James gave her such a familiar smirk that instantly loosened her squirming insides. "Don't be such a prat, Evans. Of course I do."

She gave him a small smile and nodded. They dug in and James feasted as if he hadn't eaten in weeks, which he probably hadn't. And Lily couldn't take her eyes off him. She wanted to touch his hair, and wipe the dirt off his forehead. She wanted to feel his arms around her again.

Her heart gave an uncomfortable lurch as guilt coursed through her because she knew her thoughts were unfair, wrong even. Because she did have a boyfriend. One who was waiting for her while she was eating dinner with her ex-… And there it was! She couldn't even categorize James considering they had never been together! She was acting foolish for hadn't she made a decision when she decided not to respond to his letter?

"How are you feeling, James?" Euphemia asked, looking him over critically.

"Been better," he said giving her a pointed look.

His mother sighed loudly, "Well, you need to put dittany on those cuts maybe even some scar herbals. I'll ask Swifty to leave some in your room."

"Yes, mum," James said through his food and he looked so adorable right then that Lily knew her eyes were shining at him. When he lifted his head and looked at her, she saw the surprise register on his face.

They ate together, discussing casually events, catching James up on cultural situations he had missed, and in general laughing; and Lily felt a deep longing for a permanency, here with them, with James. If only. It was so… so easy, and she wished it were actually hers. As they wrapped up eating, Lily swallowed the longing in her lungs, knowing it was almost over.

"James, you need a shower," his mother said at which Lily giggled.

He glowered at his mother and then gave a quick glance to Lily. "I just got home and I was hungry."

"Wouldn't that entail being the first thing you do?" Euphemia asked with eyebrows raised.

"And you're stinking up the house," his dad pointed out, and James crossed his arms, huffing.

"You go out and fight a war, and then come home to be a child again."

"Exactly," his dad said in a mock proud voice. "Now, chop chop before your mother has to say it again."

James rolled his eyes, glancing at Lily again before climbing the stairs mumbling something about parents and rules.

Lily's eyes followed him, her nails digging into her palms. It was all so frustrating. And confusing. And unfair. She wanted this life so badly. All her conclusions and decisions and thoughts that she believed so precisely only yesterday started crumbling, floating away. She was stumbling into a path she had already travelled, one in which only resulted in her tears. But there couldn't be any more tears, could there?

"Lily," Euphemia said and Lily looked up from her reverie.

"I'm sorry, I must have… spaced out."

"It's quite alright, I just asked if you received the letter that came for you today. I left it on the entranceway table."

Lily nodded, shrinking. "Yes… it was from Smetty."

Euphemia didn't respond but waited patiently and Lily was only reminded again how incredible she was. For here Euphemia sat, in her house, with her son upstairs, knowing how he felt about her, and willing to talk to Lily about her boyfriend.

"He asked me to come to him as soon as possible. I was packing when I ran into James." Euphemia didn't respond and Lily knew there wasn't really anything to say. "I was just so relieved to see him."

"I can imagine."

"I should better finish packing and go," Lily said reluctantly. "He's probably waiting for me."

"Will you be returning?" Euphemia said, looking over at Fleamont who was pretending to read the Prophet.

Lily glanced at the stairway achingly and then back. "I just don't think it's a good idea right now."

Euphemia stood then, and hugged Lily who hugged her back, trying to memorize the feel of her arms around her. She let go and looked at Lily's face. "You are always welcomed back here, do you understand me?"

Lily nodded but she looked away because it was so ridiculous. Why couldn't this actually be hers? It was supposed to be!

She hugged Fleamont too, and she bit her lip to stop from sobbing helplessly into his arms but it was becoming very hard to breath. "Lily, my dear, there is something to be said about two people who keep stumbling into each other."

Tears fell from her face at his words and she tried to control it but couldn't. "I'm sorry," she said desperately trying not to cry in his parent's arms when he was upstairs.

"Don't be," Euphemia said in a flurry as she put a comforting arm on her shoulder. Meanwhile, she scowled at her husband.

"Euphemia, don't look at me like that," Fleamont said. "I could have cut the tension with a knife between these two. I'm trying to provide some elderly insight."

Lily sniggered through her tears but it only caused more to flow down and Fleamont hugged her again before bucking her chin. She looked into his oh so familiar eyes, and gave him a watery smile.

"It's a terrible feeling to waste time, Lily, especially in today's climate. You'll never be ready so create the right timing."

Lily trudged herself up the stairs, her emotions in haywire. She knew what she had to do but she didn't want that at all. The realization made her faint, gripping the rail as she swallowed the little bit of vomit that rose in her throat. None of this was happening the way it was supposed too! But then again, what had she expected? She was living at the Potter's. Somewhere in the back of her mind she had known exactly this would happen, and she had chosen this scenario. Smetty had been right, there were other options but she wanted this one.

She dragged herself into her darkened room, the room that was always supposed to be temporary. Her heart sunk at the thought as she muttered "Lumos". Maybe it all hurt so badly because she was just going to miss the Potter's terribly but even as the thought filtered through her mind she couldn't lie to herself.

The lights spread across the space, and she thought about James and his letter and there almost kiss. If she considered them all together, what did it all mean? Because of course it meant something. It meant he was thinking about her but what did it mean outside of that. She was pretty suspect that James had changed his mind suddenly and wanted to be there with her. Most likely, he was lonely and did miss her so he wrote her. But that was all short term, and what did it mean long term?

She rolled her shoulders as she gave up packing and waved her wand, watching as her clothes packed themselves and Lily lay unsuccessfully on her bed. What had she become?

"Lily?"

She jumped off her bed, her clothes literally pausing in midair as she watched James enter her room, his hand on the door pretending as if he knocked. "I'm sorry if I was interrupting… where are you going?"

She gulped as she smoothed down her shirt, the degrees seemingly increasingly when James closed the door.

"You're, you're not interrupting," she said quickly as she whisked her wand causing her clothes to move at extreme speed, her packing now completed in a second and she shoved the trunk to her side.

She took a second look at him and swallowed. Now that he had showered and shaven, and put healing oil on his skin, she couldn't help admiring him. His face looked lighter without his scuffle and even though he had lost weight being outside had brought him a nice tan. Lily couldn't help her attraction to him as she pulled her hair behind her ears.

"Where are you going?" he repeated, walking further into the room, his hand playing with his hair nervously.

She didn't say anything at first and looked at his shoulder instead. "My uh… uh…"

"Your boyfriend?" James offered, his arm falling flat against his side and Lily swallowed distressed, so not wanting to have this conversation with James, ever.

So she nodded instead, twisting her arms around her body.

"Listen, Lily… I uh I came to apologize. I shouldn't have tried kissing you like that. It was uncalled for and I'm sorry."

Lightly taken aback, Lily flicked towards his sincere eyes. "Okay."

"I mean," and he shoved his hand once more into his hair. "I knew about your boyfriend and you never answered my post so, I should have respected that."

"Probably."

He looked at her then. "It's just I always knew there was a better chance of you not answering then answering so…"

But she didn't respond this time, unclear were this conversation was going or what was trying to be achieved.

"Why didn't you answer, Lily?"

His voice, his eyes, so broken that Lily wanted to comfort him because after all it was James and she had empathy in her heart but she didn't know how. She was so petrified of him, of herself. They weren't healthy together.

"What did you want me to say?"

"Anything, Lily. I just," and he came forward and tried taking her hands but she backed away. "I just wanted to hear from you."

"The last time I saw you, I didn't. You left me."

James grew distressed at her words, frustration slowly brewing in him as he walked away and then back towards her. "You have to know… I was only thinking about you, I've only thought about you for the last five years! And I know it was wrong but I don't know how to handle this- the war, you. Nothing I do is working and everything keeps getting worse. And it was wrong to leave that morning but I didn't know what else to do because I already knew if you looked at me one more time I wasn't ever going to leave."

His words should have been a soothing balm but it festered, and her voice came out harsher than expected. "It doesn't work that way, James."

"What?"

"You can't just come here," Lily started, glaring at him now. "And start throwing around all these claims like its okay."

"I never said it was okay!" he started but she turned away from him as her breaths started becoming erratic and her anger boiled. He touched her back and she flinched away from him but twisted around.

She pointed her finger now and shot him darts. "No! You can't do that. It doesn't work that way."

"Then tell me how it works, please, Lily, I'm desperate to make it right. You're all-"

"No! Exactly that," she finally yelled, her hands flying up. She took a deep breath, trying to compose herself but it wasn't working very well. "You think because you say all the right things and do all the right moves that I can just forget! It does work that way because everything you did, you did it to me! And I can't just forget because you suddenly woke up one day in the middle of war and felt bad! I wish I could forget!"

She wept then, brushing her arms against her eyes as more tears splashed and the pain and worry and concern and everything poured out.

"Lils…"

"No, and I'm not going to forgive you for what you did! I tried, so many nights, I tried laying in my bed and forgive you but I can't," she cried now hysterically, holding up her arms as he moved towards her. "How could you leave me like that?"

When he came to her again, she tried pushing against his shoulders but he didn't budge and finally she just let him hug her. "I hate you, I hate you so much," she sobbed hopelessly into his shirt because she couldn't help it anymore. So he held her as she cried about him and the war and him being in the war and the fact she was an awful girlfriend.

As she started gathering herself, she took deep, non-calming gulps and then finally looked up at him weakly. "Please don't kiss me."

He wiped her eyes and instead kissed her forehead. "I won't."

He picked her up then, fireman style, and lifted her onto her bed gently, laying down behind her and pulling her close. She closed her eyes, humming at the feel of him and inhaling it while she had it. It wasn't even temptation anymore.

She traced the cracks on his fingers, sighing as she felt his breaths against her neck, his hand lightly stroking lines on her stomach and she leaned back into him. "I'll never be able to give you up, will I?"

It was more rhetorical than anything but he still didn't answer. What could he possibly say? It wasn't as if he was making it easier for her. He was present in her life and he refused to fully disappear.

"You aren't going to stay either, are you?"

Even though she already knew the answer, his silent confirmation broke her. What were they doing? What was this? More tears slipped from her eyes, landing on his cracks, bringing the dehydrated and dry hands much needed hydration.

"I don't actually hate you."

"I know," he finally responded and tugged her closer, kissing her shoulder.

"I have to go soon," her voice coarse from overuse, and she felt him nod against her head but he didn't move and neither did she. As silence engulfed them, she felt herself crashing and she didn't even try to stop it now.

"What changed this time?"

He paused, and she felt his hand still against her stomach and then tenderly resume. "The operation happened and… you start realizing things when death is so prominent."

"Tell me about… the operation," she whispered.

He turned her over then, and her eyes loomed below his and his hands sketched her body and she wrapped a loose arm around his neck. He looked small, afraid. "It's nothing you've ever seen because everything is… it smells like death everywhere. Just broken bodies and people… You would think with the Avada Kedavra curse it would be simple but the death it was, disgusting. I had to clean up my friends' brains and mop their blood. You never know what's behind you or in front of you, and when you sleep you just don't."

He shut his eyes, and Lily touched his cheek and he opened them again but he couldn't look at her. "It was horrible. And I never want to do it again but I do. Soon Moody or Bones will call and I'll have to see it all over again. Somewhere I know this is what I want to do but most of the time I don't. Most of the time I just wanted to come home to my mum."

He stopped and heaved, his hands shaking as Lily took him into her arms and she felt him sob silently. So she hugged him soundly just like he did for her because that was all they had. A broken down fairytale.

When he collected himself, he looked at her and she wished for another life.

"I'm so sorry, Lils," he shuddered.

"I know."

"I wish I could take it back, there were so many nights I wish I could have taken it back."

"But you didn't."

It was the blank truth and they both knew it so they laid in the solace of each other's arms just a little longer then was allowed. Eventually, surprisingly, James let go, pushing a wet strand away from her face and Lily only realized then they both had been crying. "You should go."

She looked up at him, and got up slowly. He picked up her discarded trunk as she looked at herself in the mirror trying to ignore her red-rimmed eyes and James's matching ones. She looked at him through the mirror, and he looked like everything she ever wanted.

"What would you do?" she asked.

He faced her in the mirror, and she exhaled at his stare. "What would I do what?"

"If I didn't have a boyfriend."

It was the sort of question that shouldn't be asked but Lily couldn't help herself.

But James looked her over slowly, and Lily felt herself flush at his lingering gaze.

"I would tell you that I love you," he started, coming forward as her breath hitched. "And that I want you back. You would tell me that it was too late and but somehow I win you over anyway. And then…"

But the truth in his statement was left hanging in the air because Lily knew precisely what would happen next. He was close to her now and she could feel his breaths on her neck and her pulse heightened as he lifted his hand to her shoulder.

But at his touch, she pulled away, her heart hammering wildly. His hand halted in midair and then dropped.

He gave her a stoic stare. "Well, you do have a boyfriend so it doesn't matter."

At his blank voice, her defense picked up and she turned around to meet his gaze as she crossed her arms in protection. "You would disappear anyways so what does it matter."

"I'll always come for you."

"What?" she asked brokenly but she knew exactly what he said. So she moved away from him then, giving her space to breath as his words penetrated the darkest pits of her soul. Growing up, dreamt of a soulmate, and now that she had one it was too painful to bear.

"Please don't touch me," she said as he came up behind her. "I want to go."

"I'll walk you out."

But Lily ignored him as she walked down the stairs, and out the door. She tried to pay less attention to the beautiful gardens and the house she would miss so much. She choked back further tears. So many tears.

When they crossed the gate, safe to Apparate, she turned around, glaring at him. "It's unfair, James. What you said."

"It's the truth."

"So what! It's a selfish truth is what it is. Because that means you'll never let me live, or move on. You're… it's always going to be you but if you won't stay with me then you can't say things like that."

"Lily…"

"Smetty is a good man. And he cares about me even though I am a garbage girlfriend! Instead of going to him, I spent the day miserable with you. I chose literal misery over him! And you know how horrible it is," she said, tears once more pouring down her face and Lily was so frustrated with herself. Why couldn't she be stronger? "To not think about your boyfriend when he's at war and think of someone else! I thought about you everyday, I was so terrified for you and you wrote me once! Smetty wrote me all the time.

"I wish I hated you but I can't. I don't."

She shoved past him then but he grabbed her, forcing her to look at him and only released her when her despondent stare met his. "Lily, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I thought about you everyday but I don't know what else to tell you."

"I believe you," she cried. "But that doesn't change anything does it."

"It can be different."

"Different? Different how? You'll disappear less?" she felt completely crazy and she wanted to escape this conversation but she dragged herself forward as if she explained it to him one more time he would finally agree but she knew he wouldn't. He had his own logic and she hers, and they weren't converging in the middle. So she pointed at him like a madwoman with tears flowing down her cheeks in the darkness. "Smetty makes me happy. He writes when he says he will and I never have to guess what he is thinking, and he's never disappeared, not once!"

"So go be with him!" he said angrily.

"I will!" she shouted.

But they both stood their huffing at each other instead because they would rather be miserable than apart and where's the logic in that?

"It doesn't matter anymore, Lily."

"What doesn't matter?" she demanded at his hardened eyes.

"You're right. I never had any intention of staying."

She gaped at him, the pure obscenity of it was crawling up her back as she shook her head, madden. "You're awful."

"Yeah? Well go off and be with your boyfriend then," he scowled at her.

She looked to the side, as her dried tears shifted uneasily on her cheeks. "I promised myself if I ever chose you again then I deserved to get hurt."

She looked at him then and he at her and what more could they say?

"I'm going to go," she finally spoke. It was the most certain thing she could do for herself.

"Alright then," he said, hands in his pockets. She picked up her trunk and looked back at him standing there. When he didn't say anything she shrugged and went to Apparate but he called out her name quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I've only ever wanted you happy," he said. "And if this Smetty bloke makes you happy… I'll stay out of the way."

"You make me happy," she blurted.

He seemed to bite his tongue painfully as he looked away from her and into the night. "I can't give you what you want."

And she had wanted anything but that. "Right. I'm going to Apparate now."

He nodded and walked backwards for a brief moment before turning around completely. He crossed the gate and into the garden. She continued staring at him and for a moment he paused but walked into the house and then he was gone.

As the door closed, she was already sprinting towards it. She already made her decision when she had first seen him that afternoon, so she came to an abrupt halt when the door was flung open again and James appeared before it. He skidlid to a freeze, seeing her there, and they stared at each other, breathing heavily.

"I thought you would have Apparated already," he said breathing heavily.

"I didn't."

And before there was too much time to interfere they raced into each other's arms in the middle and he caught her around his waist as she wrapped her legs around him. Lily gave him one brief glimpse before lowering her mouth to his and kissing him, doing what she'd been wanting to do for months. All the guilt, and frustration and hurt and hate, was drowned out by the pounding of her own blood against her eardrums because this was always where she always supposed to be. If it were for a few seconds, or minutes or hours, it would be worth it because James was alive, and here, and that was all she'd prayed for.

James held on securely, maneuvering them to the doorway, slamming shut the door as he held her onto her without ever releasing their kiss. She melted against him, as he started moving up the stairs slowly and in the dark, for he'd long ago memorized those steps. She clung to him, never breaking. When they reached the top landing, Lily let go and they both panted heavily in his embrace.

"Take me to bed," she murmured. He didn't question her, and pressed against her lips once more, as if amazed he could. Lily pressed tighter against him, squeezing his waist as they made their way into his room. He shut the door firmly, and released her for a split second as he pulled out his wand and cast the Silencing Charm.

He stood in the middle of the room with her wrapped in his arms, kissing madly. There was no resistance, and Lily curled her hand through his messy hair and his hands moved down her back, cupping her bottom, pulling her tight against his groin, and a chill went down her spin. She'd missed him so much. This lust and need, she'd yearned for it devastatingly. She released his lips as a dazed smile curved her own and her heart shuddered as he moved them towards his bed and gently laid her there. Her eyes fluttered up at him in complete trust.

He bent down to kiss her, his body leaning against hers and her hands roamed his chest, shoulders, unbelieving. She felt his hardness against her and moved her hand down slowly to feel his firmness, and he paused his own exploring, looking down at her.

"Are you sure?" he said, his voice husky as he cupped her cheeks, looking at her so earnestly that her heart jumped from her chest and her insides squelched.

It was the hundred-galleon question, wasn't it? In every rational sense, Lily knewbetter. He would leave and her heart would be broken again but as his eyes loomed over her she couldn't deny she didn't want anything quite as badly as she wanted to feel James in that moment.

It was a mistake, her mind whispered.

Hush, her heart replied.

"I've never been more sure in my life. I'm choosing this."

"I love you, Lily," he murmured into the darkness. "Don't forget that."

"I couldn't if I tried."

He kissed her then, moving down her neck as his fingers moved over her body, his hands moving lightly over her hips and circling back to cup her breasts. She gave a moan as she arched into him, and he released her momentarily to help lift her shirt. He threw it behind him as she unsnapped her bra, and she gave a slight shudder as he immediately knelt down and pushed one of her nipples into his mouth. He sucked fiercely, rolling the tip around with his tongue, taking pleasure in the noises she was making.

He started sliding down her body, leaving soft kisses along her stomach and hips. He pulled at her skirt, slowly unzipping them and taking them off, tracing the lines of her knickers before removing those too and she gave a loud breath that had him smirking from his position on his knees.

He stood suddenly, between her legs and ripped off his own shirt, giving her a fervent kiss and Lily loved the feeling of their chests smashed together so she wrapped her arms around his neck. He leaned back and started moving down, and when his tongue dragged slowly against her slit she moaned. She opened her legs wider, trying not to blush in embarrassment at how wet she already was but James didn't seem to mind, groaning in satisfaction as his arms gripped her hips as they rose off the bed when he his mouth closed around her clit and sucked gently.

She moaned softly, desperate for more of his touch and she started to tremble when his fingers gently slid inside her and his tongue lashed at her hardening nub. Her cries grew louder and louder completely lost in the sensation of his mouth, and his fingers and when she climaxed with his tongue against her clit and his fingers deep inside her, she came wildly, grinding hard on his face, her hips moving back and forth.

She lay on his childhood bed; her face flushed pink as she pulled James up and kissed him enthusiastically. He responded as such, kissing her until she felt the deep tent in his trousers. He shed them quickly with his briefs, and resumed kissing her, this time more lazily as if they had all the time in the world. Time… a voice whispered in Lily's head.

When his full naked body pressed against her own, she inhaled loudly. He felt rougher, harder than previously and when her hands explored his naked chest, she noticed scars and bruises that hadn't been there before. The concern filtered through but before she could voice anything, James pulled her on top of him and kissed her shut. His hand moved to her bum, cupping it and she gave a slight moan.

Her hand moved down to circle his already pulsing dick, and James rolled them over, kissing her slow and deep. Lily sighed into his mouth and wrapped her legs around his hips, and James instinctively slid inside her, groaning her name as he felt her wet heat surrounding him.

He rocked slowly but never stopped kissing her. They moved against each other and it had never felt so damn good. She arched into him as her legs slid around his calves and released his mouth as she panted breathlessly into the dark room. She gripped his back as she pushed him to thrust harder, move faster because she didn't want gentle, not now, not in this moment.

She moaned as he did as she pleased, crying out again, and again, her moans becoming unintelligible chants as James breathed heavily, lifting her legs up and continued thrusting powerfully. She contracted around him, her body pulsing at the feel of him inside her.

"You feel so fucking good, Lily," James groaned and Lily held onto his biceps as James moved faster, derived by his physical need. And Lily met him match for match as she moaned his name uncontrollably.

"Yes, James, yes!"

Her body was shaking with the power of his thrusts, and she yelped and then moaned when he bent down and took a hard nipple in his mouth. Her hips were moving frantically to meet his pace, and she pushed her hands against the headboard as he took her deeper and harder.

"Fuck, Lily," James groaned as he pulled out completely only to turn her around. He took her hips firmly in his hands as he plunged deep without warning. Pulling her hips back with every thrust, she lowered herself onto her elbows and held onto the pillow as she groaned loudly into it.

She felt James bend over, collecting her hair as he kissed her neck roughly and she twisted her arm around his neck, grabbing onto his hair to keep him in place as her sharp cries filled the room. James didn't let up for a second as he hit her cervix with every deep, relentless drive.

He reached under her to find her swollen clit, his fingers sliding over her wet flesh, flicking and pinching at her nub until she let loose a scream she was sure would have woken his parents if he hadn't set the Silencing Charm. James drew his own release as he pushed hard, flattening her on the bed as he came surging. He gave a few lame thrusts before he collapsed beside her.

For a long moment, neither moved, to reluctant to face the consequences of their actions so Lily laid there puffing into the pillow with James on top of her breathing into her hair. She sighed when James rolled over, curling her limp body against his.

"That… was different," he said slowly.

She nodded, unsure how to proceed but ignored the aching guilt that was slowly crawling out. She would deal with it later. For now… She'd never felt like that; so wanton and desperate for his touch. It had been completely unrestrained.

"It was perfect."

He played with her hair, content with her answer. She wanted to memorize this moment so she would always have it locked up, stored for when she needed to remember his love. They always came back to each other, she thought helplessly.

She felt him shift, and she looked up as he pulled the blanket over them and moved to lean on his elbow to look down at her. He was so handsome, so cheeky with his smug, satisfied smirk. She felt warm and vibrant. He stroked her body and she lifted her hand to move through his hair.

He didn't say anything, just continued stroking her and she was grateful for it. She didn't want to think in this moment for they had so much time together. One day it would happen, she assured herself as he leaned down to kiss her softly. Just not today.

Lily woke up to a torch of sunlight flashing against her face, and painful yellow circles appeared behind her eyelids as she shut them in protest. She squinted as she gradually opened her eyes stared at the sun beaming down at her from the entirely too large window, knowing exactly where she was and what happened. She shut her eyes trying to ignore the empty bed besides her. It was the morning, rise and shine.

She sank further into the sheets, holding the covers tighter around her and considered her next step. James could easily be in the bathroom or downstairs. She could still smell him and if she turned over and breathed in his pillow, it was as if he was still in the bed. But Lily knew; she already knew when it started he wouldn't be there in the morning.

And now? The emotional consequences of what she'd done were lingering in the background but she shoved them aside for later. Always later.

She slipped on her clothes that were strewn around the room, pulling them on slowly, uncomfortably. She examined herself in the mirror, gazing at herself studiously. Her lips were swollen, and she had patches of red across her neck. Her hair was everywhere and she tried running a finger through it with no success. She wanted to go to her own room to change but remembered she'd packed everything, and her trunk was probably still outside on the sidewalk, she thought horrified.

It was a merry-go-ride, she concluded. And she, an active participant. For years, James chased her and she'd let him. And now she was dizzy, close to vomiting but she never got off. It was worse than addiction because addiction she could fight, this… this was a never-ending merry-go-ride and no matter how long she waited for it to end, it wasn't going too. She didn't want it too.

She looked down the stairs, preparing herself for her morning walk-of-shame, with his parents no less. She tried not blushing when she saw them reading the morning Prophet. They looked up as she entered, red-faced but Euphemia gave her an encouraging smile and Fleamont looked at her utterly delighted.

"Lily, good morning," Fleamont said with a twinkle in his eye.

"Good morning," she swallowed.

"I'm glad you decided to stay the night," Euphemia started. "You're trunk is in the hallway. And…"

Lily gulped, and shook her head as Swifty appeared with a fresh cup of coffee that she took into her hands desperately. "It's okay."

"Well, James left early this morning. He was called unexpectedly for duty."

But Lily ignored the sinking of her heart or that voice telling her she deserved it. She had chosen this. Lily knew exactly what she was getting into and she never, not for one moment, actually believed he would be there when she woke up. Duty or no duty.

"He did want me to give you this," his mother said holding out a neatly folded note. Lily looked at her face, baffled. Euphemia pushed the note gently into her pocket and kissed her cheek. "Why don't you go upstairs and freshen up, and I'll let Swifty know to leave some food out for you?"

Lily nodded dumbly.

"Lily," Fleamont jumped, and Lily missed Euphemia's fierce glare, as her eyes remained unfocused as she clutched the note in her pocket. "It's not my place and I would never want to interfere but for the sake of love, James was tortured at the idea of leaving you this morning. I thought he would go mad with it, honestly."

Lily didn't have anything else to say. Nothing Fleamont said changed anything because what he said, she knew already. So instead she walked blindly back to her room, shutting the door and sitting on her untouched bed.

She had to get out of there, she had to get back to school, back to Smetty and somehow explain. Knowing the trouble that was ahead for her, Lily lay onto her bed and pulled out the note.

Her name was written neatly, and she wondered what answers James left inside. She opened it slowly, her heart racing. But there were no answers, just one line that read:

Whatever you decide, just know we end up together.

TBC

AN: So this is the "scene" that created this entire story, it was the first image that brought everything to life for me, and Style (the song choice) is really the song that represents everything about this story and where it's headed. So that's a little tidbit I wanted to share with everyone. And because this chapter is so important to this story and me, I would love to hear what everyone thought.

Also, just a small side note – it's a little shorter then usual but that's because this entire section was supposed to be part of the last chapter but I decided to split it into two when I realized it needed its own moving room. So I'll see everyone next chapter and hope you guys enjoyed!

[evansnjames]

No Headlights in Paradise (8/14)

AN- Okay this chapter got out of control in terms of length so I ended up splitting it into two, so that means the next chapter is already written (just a lot of editing needs to be done). Enjoy!

Chapter 8 – Because James Had a Map

Song choice: Faded – Alan Walker

You can read it from the start at ff.net!

It had been exactly two and a half weeks since the operation broke out and Lily found herself constantly listening to the radio awaiting updates. She wasn't the only one, and found out rather quickly that whenever disaster struck the Wizarding community everyone became stuck to their radio sets. It was almost a comical uniting factor if Lily didn't find the situation so petrifying. Most of the news mainly consisted of commentators and experts giving their opinions on Auror logistics, tactical and strategic movements, or comparing previous campaigns to this one.

Updates, and when Lily meant updates, she was actually thinking of dead bodies, only occurred at seven in the morning and seven in the evening. It was explained that during the era of Grindelward, the issue of casualties, both Auror and civilian, became so significant in questioning and criticizing the Ministry, they had feared revolt. The heavy coverage caused such disruption and so severely affected morale, the media decided to take an active approach in reporting fatalities marginally. Personal stories of those killed became laconic at best, and Lily definitely took notice. But whatever the media tried to hide, or not hide, the names came. Names of Muggles, of friends and brothers and sisters. And with each name, Lily waited with baited breath for names she knew, of the name she desperately did not want to hear. It was torture.

So she listened to the radio, and read the news and heard Ministry member after Ministry member explain how the price was painful but the achievement was tremendous. She felt guilty for only thinking about James when it was Smetty sending her letters every few days to up her optimism. James hadn't written, but that didn't stop her from seeing his boyish face every night before she fell asleep. It was curious how war did that to a person. It was as if, in those few weeks in which the campaign had begun and raged, she had forgiven him instantly.

She was a terrible girlfriend, she decided as she read her latest letter from Smetty. He gave her brief updates and always insisted she focus on her end of the year exams instead of the war. And Lily honestly tried, but she was astounded watching daily life resume as normal what with the constant upheaval and news. Somewhere in the back of her mind she had been convinced exams would be canceled but it seemed the operation only had moderate interference with routine.

When Lily mentioned this to Samson, he explained that in times similar to these, social resilience was adopted in order to respond flexibly to such serious disruption so society could bounce back quickly to its previous identity.

"Things aren't exactly 'normal' but it's to allow a temporary lessening of normal functions. It's one of the only things the Ministry is doing right," Samson said sounding so familiar to Smetty that she grumbled at his logic.

Because Lily's idea of dealing with the war was to run around wild like a lunatic, demanding results and retribution. Obviously, she was exactly what they were trying to avoid.

Even so, Lily found studying for exams extremely difficult. Especially without Smetty because yes, Smetty was her boyfriend, but, (and this but made her bite her lips guiltily) he had also been her tutor. And though Lily was talented and gifted, she wasn't that talented or gifted, and it helped having top of his class as her boyfriend. Lily shamed herself for being so selfish when he was probably out in the field handling body parts and blood. She cringed at the image she conjured and then shook herself from her self-interested notions. Yet, throughout the last week of final terms, she took Smetty's word to heart and studied. She couldn't give him much, but was the least she could give.

When she would be alone in her room, she would listen to the radio hearing theory after theory about the goals of this newest campaign. Sienna hated it, telling her constantly to turn it off. But Sienna didn't understand, how could she? Sirius sent her a letter saying everything was fine and even though everything was all right, he would be otherwise unavailable for the summer, as he would be taking a "summer term." Lily had faltered, so close to telling her the truth. But even if she knew she should tell her, she couldn't.

Finally, when Lily completed her last sentence on her last exam, she sighed happily only for a moment. Completing her first year should have been a celebration but she raced back to her flat instead to listen to more news.

"Hey," Lily said as she dropped her book bag and jacket off.

Sienna walked out of her room, carrying a heavy, over-packed suitcase that she could barely hold and glared at Lily as she went to turn on the radio. "Lily, I'm leaving in literally half an hour, please no more radio! I can't with it anymore and its not like someone is saying anything interesting."

Lily glanced at her and rolled her eyes. "You know you're magic, yeah? You can Levitate that."

Sienna gapped at her before brandishing her wand that caused her bag to be carried promptly to the door. "Sometimes I fucking love magic."

Sienna sighed as she fell onto the sofa and looked over at Lily, who was making herself a sandwich. "How was the exam?"

Lily shrugged. "Okay, we'll see I guess."

"I feel like that is how everyone has been this exam period."

"Yeah."

There was a pause.

"Lils," Sienna said and Lily looked up. "Are you sure about this summer?"

With all the fanfare of the war and finals and feeling guilty, Lily hadn't actually considered what to do over the summer holiday. Lily only grasped she needed a plan when Sienna mentioned she would be going home to visit her family. Lily knew right away that she didn't want to be holed up in Cornwall alone for the entire summer as also Caleb, Ezra and Samson wouldn't be there. Ezra was going to be spending a summer learning Healing techniques in the Far East while Samson would begin his Healer-in-Training residency in Paris. Caleb meanwhile decided to volunteer for the Aurors as a Healer-in-Training. She bit her lip thinking about his decision, as it made her nervous. Everything about the situation made her nervous.

But that left Lily without many options. She couldn't exactly show up at her sister's (not that she wanted too), and of any of the friends she had left at Hogwarts they all seemed to be in the Order, so that was out of question. She had thought about subletting another apartment in London but then decided if she would be in London already she would stay in Diagon Alley so she could stay in the known.

"It's completely fine. I have an appointment to see an apartment today."

"Don't you think it's a bit dangerous right now? I've heard… things."

Lily had heard things too about closed streets and disappeared people but as Lily listened to the radio day and night, she understood the fighting was being kept away from the major cities. Both sides had a lot too lose if things lost control in the middle of the city-center. Anyways, wasn't that what Samson had been hammering on about with social resilience? And, she reminded herself pointedly, it wasn't like she had any other options.

"I'm sure," Lily smiled reassuringly.

"You don't want to stay? Or come with?" she started excitedly. "Texas has some good food and my father cooks a darn mean fried chicken." Her southern accent came out and Lily couldn't help but giggle.

"I'll be alright but thank you for the offer," she said as she came over and hugged her. "If I find myself getting restless I'll stop by… but for now I just want to stick around, see what's happening."

Sienna gave her a knowing look and took her by the shoulders. "He's fine, Lily."

"I know that."

"He's in school! Anyways, if something would have happened to him don't you think Sirius would have told you?"

Lily swallowed guilty. "Yeah, right."

"And to tell you the truth, you have a boyfriend! Stop thinking about James Potter."

The guilt, always with the guilt; but no matter how Sienna put it, she didn't know about the Order. Or understand that James and Sirius and almost everyone else she knew from Hogwarts were probably in the thick of it, doing the worst of it. When she closed her eyes, she would randomly have flashes of terror and forced them open again. Nothing was real or understood and it was driving her mad.

Because when she listened to the news she wanted to holler. What about the Order? What about the Aurors? What about all the Muggle borns who had been vanishing or just the Muggles themselves? It was a war being raged against her own kind and she couldn't comprehend why. None of it made sense. What did it matter what her blood was, who her parents were?

But Sienna didn't worry about these things because Sirius had told her otherwise. And she was angry. Angry that Sirius hadn't told Sienna, angry that James hadn't written her, and angry that there was a war at all. She was fuming that she received a letter to register as a Muggle born, that new tax laws were popping up for half-bloods, that conspiracies were being spread and that so many like her were being pushed out of their reality! It was all utterly unfair and ridiculous but the unfairness and ridiculous of it was real. It was something she could grasp too.

"I'm fine, Sienna," Lily said through a false smile. "Enjoy your time with your family."

"If you change your mind…"

"I'll tell you," she said giving her one last hug.

Later that day, Lily found herself strolling aimlessly through Diagon Alley. A ceasefire had been called earlier that day so Lily felt confident enough to walk to the streets alone. Yet, even with people milling the streets, she was desperately finding a way to keep her mind busy. Originally, she had intended to pass the time at Flourish and Blotts but the second she had entered, her eyes zoomed to the area in which she and James had rekindled their doomed romance. She turned around then, and began to walk and walk and walk some more.

It was quieter than usual, Lily observed. There were much less people sitting at the cafes and coffee shops or promenading. And what a shame considering it was summer; usually it was packed to the brim with no extra breath for anyone. Now, it seemed no one had any time to waste and all who came, came and left with a purpose. But Lily, always the odd man out, had nowhere else to be, no one else to see, and an extraordinarily amount of spare time and so she strolled during the ceasefire.

She tried avoiding dangerous areas or dodgy shops, completely staying away from Knockturn Alley. But every now and then she felt a brush of wind against her arm and she would hold her wand a bit tighter. She would look into the window shops to see if someone was following her in the reflection. No one ever was but she imagined she couldn't be the only one fraught with paranoia. It seemed, in today's climate, no one could ever really know who was who.

Lily came across the second-hand bookshop, shrugging as she walked in, explaining to herself it wasn't like she had anything better to do. The door rang at her entrance, and an old, gray haired lady was sitting behind the counter waving her wand as books stacked themselves against the shelves neatly.

When Lily walked in, she looked over at her kindly and smiled.

"Hello, can I help you with anything?" she asked, and her tone was warm, soothing and Lily automatically felt relaxed.

"Thank you… I think I'm just going to look around."

The bookshop owner smiled, almost knowingly and Lily felt a shudder race through her body as she pointed towards the very far corner of the bookshop. "Try that end of that aisle, dear. I feel you might find what you are looking for."

Lily looked at her curiously, unsure, but decided to take her advice. She might as well. She moved slowly the aisles, tracing the books as she walked and taking in the smell of old paper and dust. There was something enchanting and quant about the bookstore, wondering why she never came in before as she admired a particularly old book with a purple and blue casing. She loved books after all.

Lily reached the last stack, smiling when she realized what category it was. Children books. Oh, how she had loved children books growing up, remembering how her father had been forced to read them to her when her mother worked late shifts as a nurse. She giggled, reminiscing the different voices her parents used and the way her and Petunia could never sit still imaging dragons and unicorns and witches… Funny how all her childhood fairytales came true. She wondered then why the gray haired lady had sent her down this path, what did she have to find with old children books besides memories?

She pulled a random book out because of the beautiful gold casing. She traced the title, The Tales of the Beedle and Bard. Unfamiliar, she pulled it out ignoring the dust fairies that huffed angrily as they flew away. She opened its contents reading through the stories, chuckling at the variations of Wizarding tales from Muggle ones. The pictures literally popped off this page and she enjoyed the interaction.

When she finished, she closed the book, putting it back into place when a different title caught her eye. The light reflected against it and Lily paused as she reached for The Seeker and the Snitch. Pulling it off the shelf, the book split open in her arms, sparkling in patience as it waited for her to turn the page but real trepidation stopped her. How many times had she revisited the memory of her releasing the snitch? Wasn't that when it had all started going bad?

Staring at the book that was waiting for her, she finally turned the page, dazzled as the pictures jumped out of the page, sparkling golden against the light, and Lily watched charmed as a snitch flew out of the pages and around the store. The snitch returned to the pages when a young, blue-eyed heroine appeared.

"Adventure awaits!" the heroine said, urging her to turn the page.

Slowly the tale began:

"There once was a young, lonely witch who sought adventure at every winding turn. Every rock, nook, and cranny she would explore, examining pieces of leaves and flowers for secret abandoned treasure. Escaping into the forest one day, she came upon a golden glow. Pulling out her wand, she pointed at the golden shadow to arrive in her hand. But the shadow did not come but moved only further away.

"Incensed, the witch proceeded to chase after the shadow. Into the river, down the stream, up the mountain and around the corner, the witch breathed deeply as she was unable to securely capture her treasure.

"When she came upon a bend in the road, the witch was shocked to discover a friendly tree. She asked the tree if he had seen a golden shadow, and the tree nodded his head, joyfully expressing that only the determined could gain such a shadow. The witch pulled out her wand, raising it to the sky and created a cascade of stars into the night, claiming she was such a witch. The tree let her by.

"She wandered further and deeper into the forest, only stopping at a river for water. Cupping her hands for a taste, she was surprised to see the river smile back at her. She asked the river also if he had seen a golden shadow. The river offered up a fountain of water and explained only those creative enough could reach such a shadow. The witch pulled out her wand creating a waterfall that flowed into the river. The river offered her a bridge.

"Next, she reached the end of a treacherous path with two destinations. Both paths winked at her, expressing the golden shadow was along their path. Yet, the witch being both determined and creative decided that adventure would lead down any path so she took the one to the left.

"And there, at the every end, the witch could finally see the golden shadow. For it wasn't a shadow at all but a round ball with wings in which fluttered into her hand willingly. For adventure waited at any turn, if only when desired."

"Find everything alright, dear?" The bookshop owner asked, startling Lily who jumped, book in hand.

"Yes, sorry I was just… reading," Lily said lamely.

The old woman smiled kindly as she came forward to examine which book and Lily gave it to her. "Ahh, what precious memories."

"Some of my friends from Hogwarts told me about this book," Lily started.

"Funny," the old lady began as she flipped through the pages. "How with time the contents of this particular book evolved. Now it's about declaring love on the Quidditch field but people seem to have forgotten that the book was never about love but seeking one's true self without the help of others."

Lily looked at her thunderstruck as the words she had been holding in for a year were spat out. "I let go of the snitch. I let it go and sometimes I think I cursed us because of it."

Lily had never felt so stupid then she did in that moment talking about her life with a complete stranger. But she couldn't help it. The woman's who was so gentle and calming seemed to listen to Lily as if she understood completely. She had after all sent her into this aisle.

"But dear," the woman said. "The essence of the story would tell you that it should be released into the world, never captured."

Lily swallowed, desperately wanting to believe her but finding it difficult to find the strength. So many people had left her, and when someone had offered her a sense of constancy she had let it go into the world. Though, maybe instead of cursing her and James, she saved herself; she undoubtedly hadn't been ready for whatever he had been offering.

With that realization soaring through her, the bookshop owner handed her the book and Lily clutched it to her chest tightly, unwilling to let it go just yet.

But old lady beamed at her. "Why don't you keep it?"

"Oh, no I can pay…"

"No, I insist. I've never seen this book belong to anyone as much as it calls to you."

Lily smiled gratefully, as she put the book into her book bag and made to exit but the old woman called her back.

"It's never too late, you know."

Her words long echoed in Lily's ears as she decided to take look in the Magical Menagerie. She played with the various animals as she stroked the cats and fed some of the owls. Maybe over the summer she could apply for a job… She was about to head over to the cashier to ask about employment opportunities when she heard her name being called.

"Lily Evans!"

Lily turned her head and her heart sunk dreadfully as she saw Euphemia Potter wave and then start walking towards her. She was dressed impeccably as always, wearing beautifully layered deep purple robes with her brown hair neatly pulled away from her face. She was a woman to be admired, Lily thought as she came closer.

"Mrs. Potter," she said, trying not to sound as if she wanted to be anywhere but in her presence. It was unfair, considering Mrs. Potter had always been nothing but astoundingly pleasant towards Lily. Nevertheless, she was still and always would be, James's mother.

But if Mrs. Potter noticed her hesitation, she overlooked it completely and took her into her arms, giving her a sound hug. It had been, Lily realized, the first time an adult had given her a hug since James had left her… Funny, how it should be James's mother but she hadn't realized how desperately she had needed to be held, to feel as if someone in the world loved her unconditionally, like a mother. Lily fell into the hug, promising herself she would give in temporarily only for this moment.

"It's so lovely to see you. What are you doing in Diagon Alley?"

Her heart fluttered, as Mrs. Potter's arms remained touching her upper one. "I'm looking at a flat to sublease over the holiday."

"Oh," she said a bit surprised. "You wouldn't return back to your sister or friends?"

Being in her presence was making Lily want to cry. She had no inkling why but it was making it impossible for her to speak full, complete sentences as she fought the overwhelming emotion boiling within her. She had to get out of there and quickly before she came off looking like a complete and utter madwoman.

"Me and my sister aren't on the best of terms right now… And my friends are… spread out and working over the summer so I figured I wanted to stay near by, hear what was happening. I actually have an appointment soon so I should better go…"

She pointed randomly behind her, completely unaware as her throat closed up because a small (large) part of her didn't want to go. She wanted to stay in the comfort of Mrs. Potter's company. It was lunacy because she was torturing herself. Everything about Mrs. Potter would lead directly to James but it was as if she couldn't escape her basic desire.

"Oh, well I wouldn't want to keep you. When is your appointment?"

Lily swallowed. "In half an hour."

"Then why don't we stop for a bit of lunch? There is an excellent café down the road. I want to hear all about your studies."

It was her opportunity to deny, to turn around and prove to herself that she could be better, choose better. But she didn't, she couldn't. Lily found herself dumbly walking behind Mrs. Potter, not even fighting it off. She could explain to herself all she wanted that Mrs. Potter wasn't James, but Lily could lie to everyone but she couldn't lie to herself. She wanted to be there with her, and hear and glimpse and maybe for ten minutes imagine a different life.

They settled in the café, a menu appearing before them.

"They have marvelous sandwiches here. Whenever I'm come, Fleamont always insists that I bring him one home. I think the house elf gets offended."

Lily laughed at the antidote, and they both ordered into their plates. A turkey and cranberry sauce sandwich appeared before her as well as a glass of pumpkin juice. She took a bite, and her eyes widened as the food melted in her mouth. It had to be the best sandwich she had ever eaten.

Mrs. Potter gave her a knowing look as she took a bite of her salad. "James tells me you're in the Field Healer program?"

Lily swallowed her bite and nodded her head. "Yes, though after these exams I might live to regret it, they very difficult."

And Lily found herself talking to James's mother openly about her studies and Cornwall and her friends; avoiding the topic of Smetty completely but she did wonder if Mrs. Potter had heard about him. In some ways, Mrs. Potter was the closest thing to a mother figure Lily had left, and Lily missed her mother incredibly. It was almost as if she had forgotten, but not really considering how fast she fallen back into it, what it was like having someone to talk to who listened to her as if they cared.

Time passed quickly in her content and when she looked back at her watch, she jumped.

"Oh, I better get to my appointment," Lily said hurriedly as she pulled out her wallet.

"Absolutely not!" Mrs. Potter said firmly as she paid for their food. "My treat, Lily. It was so great talking to you."

"Thank you, Mrs. Potter," Lily said appreciatively as they both got up, Mrs. Potter with her extra sandwich for her husband.

"Why don't I come with you?" she said suddenly and Lily looked over her startled. "Give you a second opinion, if you don't mind?"

"I wouldn't want to inconvenience you," Lily said even though she wasn't ready to depart from this brief break in reality.

"Don't be silly," Mrs. Potter said gladly as she took hold of Lily's elbow and they made their way towards the flat. "James never willingly let me help him with these things so it's a nice change from forcing myself into situations."

Lily laughed, comforted in her remark as they walked down the cobblestones. The war was happening but it didn't stop the sun from shining, and Lily decided to enjoy the sunshine and people and Mrs. Potter for however long it lasted.

They landed on the flat of blocs, Lily already squirming at the despair of it. A short, chubby, balding man was waiting for her outside with a cigarette hanging out of his lip, and Lily already felt extremely uneasy.

"Lily Evans?" he asked roughly.

"Yes," Lily said trying not to act as disgusted as she felt. "Mort?"

He nodded his head. Normally, her shame would have been contained just for herself, but having brought Mrs. Potter to the shadier part of Diagon Alley made her feel inadvertently awkward.

"The flat's up here," he said. "Gotta climb the stairs, anti-Apparition jinx inside the building is set."

With no elevator, they trudged up the grimy staircase that was narrow and darkened. When they reached the forth floor, a stench reached her nose that had Lily gagging.

Mort looked over at Lily. "Just ignore it, the old lady across the way likes to keep all her cats, dead and alive."

Lily rapidly looked over at Mrs. Potter who acted as if the smell and comment were perfectly normal, and Lily didn't know if she should be grateful or laugh. Mort opened the door and they walked in. It was a very small, damaged flat. The wooden floors hadn't been kept, so there was mold lining the cracks in the floor and wall, splints in the ceiling, and Lily could already hear a small water leak coming from the bathroom. The kitchen was compact with very little room to move, and the bathroom had an odor as if something had been left in there for weeks. It was a disaster.

Lily grimaced as she looked around, noticing how barely three people fit. "How much again?"

"10 galleons a month," Mort said as Lily picked up the broken faucet laying on the counter in the kitchen. "As is."

She took a deep breath, noticing how the floors creaked at any effort. At this point she had run out of options, and unless she wanted to spend the night in the streets, she also didn't have much of a choice. Lily took a deep and reminded herself it was only for the summer.

"Alright then-"

"Absolutely not," Mrs. Potter said interrupting her. She pulled Lily's arm and glanced at Mort, giving him a dirty look. "Thank you but no thank you."

She pulled Lily down the stairs and out of the building, all the while Lily staring in shock at Mrs. Potter. When they exited, Mrs. Potter frowned as she looked back at the falling apart building. "I'm sorry, Lily but I couldn't let you live there."

"Mrs. Potter," Lily began, touched but know thinking what was she going to do? Maybe stay at the Leaky Cauldron, but that would be expensive over time. She had inherited a nice, lump from her parents to last her throughout her studies but she needed to condense it so she wouldn't need to get a job until she completed her Healer training. And with the Muggle reform acts, it didn't look like she would be getting a job anytime soon.

Which she told as much to Mrs. Potter.

"Then I will help you. I'm sorry but I wouldn't be able to sleep at night thinking you were living in such an abomination," and then she added. "James would never forgive me."

"Mrs. Potter, it's very kind of you but I have nowhere else to go."

The words were so pitiful that tears pricked in Lily's eyes unexpectedly. Mrs. Potter took Lily into her arms right away and hugged her. "I never had a daughter," she started thoughtfully. "And there are some things a mother misses out on with just boys running around the house. Oh, me and Fleamont tried but James was a miracle to begin with."

Lily smiled through her tears at Mrs. Potter. "Well, James acts like he's a miracle."

The two women broke out in laughter and Lily couldn't help denying it was comforting to make fun of James even though they both knew he had broken her heart. It was also nice to know that Mrs. Potter still cared enough about her to march her out of there. She wondered if it said more about the way James acknowledged her to his parents or Mrs. Potter's own feelings. Or a combination of both.

"Eventually, Sirius strolled along. But, Lily," she said giving a kind, sideward glance. "I've always considered you part of our family, a daughter of sorts especially considering how James views you.

"You are coming home with me. We have plenty of room."

Lily pulled away, knowing that was the worst idea for a number of blatant reasons. And even knowing how detrimental this idea was her heartbeat raced uncontrollably at the absolute yearning for it. "I can't…"

"I know you and James had an unkindness but he isn't home now. When the operation concludes and he does come home, we can figure it out then but until then, please do stay with us."

"I don't know… I feel like it's a bad idea. For me, mentally," Lily said truthfully.

Mrs. Potter nodded her head knowingly. "Then how about you just stay with us until I can help you find a better dwelling? Let me pretend to have a daughter for a while?"

Lily couldn't help but smile and before she consciously knew what she was doing, she nodded her head in acceptance.

They took the Floo Network back to the Potter household. Lily steadied herself as she wiped off dust that clung to her, and immediately exhaled as she walked into the familiar living room. Mrs. Potter was hanging her belongings when a house elf appeared in thin air.

"Mrs. Potter, Mrs. Potter, where is your shopping?"

"I ended up not getting anything, Swifty. But I ran into Lily Evans. Do you remember her? She is James's friend from Hogwarts, and she will be staying with us. Can you set up one of the guests rooms for her?"

Swifty, the house elf, grinned wildly at Lily. "Of course Swifty remembers Miss Evans! Swifty never forgets Miss Evans! Oh, how you gave the little Master Potter a run for it! Comforted him many times, I did, over Miss Evans and Swifty was very happy too see that you became friends with Master Potter during Christmas."

Lily tried not to blush but considering she was a redhead it was difficult. But before she could respond Swifty Apparated.

"Swifty will set up the guest bedroom for you on the second floor. I'm assuming you already know were everything is? This is your home, for now. If you need anything feel comfortable to ask myself or Swifty and, of course, Fleamont."

Lily nodded, too choked up to say anything and instead took Mrs. Potter into her arms. She seemed to understand, hugging her back and they stood there in the living room for a good moment before Lily pulled away.

"You'll always have a home here, Lily. Please never think differently."

Swifty arrived back promptly. "Your room is ready, Miss Evans!" she squeaked, taking her by the hand and leading her away from a bemused Mrs. Potter.

When Lily entered her guest bedroom, which was much bigger than any bedroom she had ever had before. The tall windows brought in sensational sunshine, and her bed was massive with soft cotton sheets that Lily sunk into. It was so relaxing, an escape from reality of sorts. It was funny, considering James was half the reason she needed an escape from reality, and if she closed her eyes tight enough, it was as if none of it ever happened.

It was a daydream, one she could live in forever if she let herself, especially in this household were everything reminded her of him.

Her eyes closed gradually, laying comfortably in her new surroundings, almost being unfathomable that the opposite of this comfort had been so close to being her future. She drifted off to sleep, warm and stable, protected.

A few hours later, when the sun had already set and the darkness filled the room, she glanced at the clock to see it was six forty five. She gingerly rose to her feet, stretching slightly and wishing she had at least taken her bra off before dozing off. Swifty had obviously come in while she was resting and drawn her curtains.

Noticing her wand on the bedside table, she grabbed it.

"Lumos," she said into the empty room. The light sparked throughout, and Lily noticed somehow her clothing had arrived and already been sorted tidily into the drawer, her suitcase lying closed inside the wardrobe. She shook her head in disbelief, how was this happening?

It had to be a mistake. Staying in James Potter's home with his parents. No good for her health and moving forward would benefit. What was she doing? She marveled at herself. After all her growth and maturity since James had left. But it was temporary, she reminded herself forcedly. Temporary and beneficial because at least now she wouldn't be staying in that dump in Diagon Alley, and now Mrs. Potter would be able to find her a normal flat. Yes, Lily thought to herself. It was part of the solution, and she refused to dig herself further down an unending tunnel.

James wasn't there, James had left, James wasn't coming back.

With that mantra, she opened her door, looking down that hall pointedly ignoring James's room when she halted. What was she going to say to Smetty? Smetty was patient but had a way that could be stringent. And with a certainty that she couldn't prove, Lily knew he wouldn't like this. With a large sigh, she made her way down the corridor, ignoring the regret and the bad decision making skills because she had already made the decision.

Down the stairs, she heard voices coming from the sitting room and walked in to see Mr. Potter and Mrs. Potter sitting on the beige sofa, sipping tea and reading The Daily Prophetto each other. Lily saw the headline reading: "We Are Strong and Will Complete the Mission to the End." They both glanced up at her appearance and Mr. Potter gave her a delighted smile as he got up to hug her fiercely.

"Lily, I'm was so glad when Euphemia told me you would be staying with us," he said warmly, and Lily couldn't help hugging back as his voice and appearance so reminded her of a once-upon-a-time James. "Now, I know my son is a tosser but I can assure you that me and Euphemia have no clue were he got it from."

"Fleamont!"

But Lily couldn't help but grin as she took a seat besides them. "We're just glad to have some action around the house."

"I'm sorry to disappoint, but I'll probably be much quieter then the usual inhabitance."

He roared with laughter as he picked up his tea and took a sip. He grabbed the paper from his wife's hands and threw it on the sitting table. "I can't read this rubbish anymore."

"Fleamont, I want to know what is happening," his wife said patiently as if she had had this conversation one to many times.

"I can tell you what is going on, my wife," he said boastfully.

"Let's not bore poor Lily then."

"I'm actually… interested. It's just," blushing suddenly. "I'm curious to know what other people think besides the news. Sometimes I feel like I'm not seeing the whole truth."

"Well," Fleamont started and Euphemia sighed. "My personal belief is this current operation lacks any strategic goal or any attempts to create new goals or options."

Lily stared fascinated. "Then why would… what's the point? All this death, and for what? I mean it would be one thing if You-Know-Who started this, this campaign but we did, then what is it all for."

"Well not exactly. Voldemort and his groupies, after all, kidnapped those poor Muggle borns and tried to infiltrate the Ministry, so to some extent it was needed. Yet, instead of handling the real problem they are trying to ensure a long period in order to deter them enough that price of attacking Muggles or Muggle borns or causing chaos in the Ministry is too steep. Yet, what they seem to forget is that the other side has no care for the price of life or the cost of war."

Lily would have continued the conversation if Mrs. Potter hadn't gotten up then, seeming to had enough. "We usually eat at seven, Fleamont, and you've delayed us."

"Euphemia, my love, I would never delay the eating of food."

Ignoring her husband and his high handiness, she glanced at Lily. "Would you like to join us?"

"Of course, yes," Lily said happily as she followed them into the kitchen.

The dinner had been delicious, as expected. Lily felt at place with the two of them, furthering her conversation with Mr. Potter and chatting happily with Mrs. Potter about her various social events. In some twisted universe, she knew this was exactly were she was supposed to be, were she should have been the whole time.

Lily had forgotten what it felt like to live in a comfortable house, as not since Hogwarts had anyone cooked, done her laundry or cleaned her room. Every morning she was awakened by the smell of fresh breakfast wafting through the air and a cup of steaming coffee. Swifty, so excited to have someone young to look after, would generously fill the table with pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon and different kinds of sauces to Lily's liking.

Mr. Potter more then once jokingly accused Swifty of liking Lily more than them in which Swifty would blush deep red and squeak her protests.

That specific morning, a week after she had arrived, Lily was awaken to her usual sunshine, and walked down the stairs in her pajamas and dressing robe. This life, this lifestyle, it was as if she returned to being fifteen with no care in the world. Yes, the war was happening and they listened to the radio and read the news but Lily felt more at home there since her parents had died.

She got to the kitchen, Mr. Potter already having head out and Mrs. Potter sipping tea dressed for the day. Like smiled at the comforting scene that had already become familiar.

"Good morning," Mrs. Potter said warmly as Swifty popped up and sat Lily down, handing Lily her morning coffee.

"Good morning," she said happily.

"Miss Evans! Miss Evans! You have post, Miss Evans!" Swifty said as the house elf handed her the letter in which she recognized Smetty's handwriting. She had written him a few days ago, explaining to him what happened and that he should send post to the Potter household, hopeful that he would understand.

She opened the letter discretely, hoping Mrs. Potter didn't notice her furtive hiding of its contents though she was busy reading a Daily Prophet article titled "Dark Lord Leaves Us No Choice."

Dear Lily,

I am happy to hear you have found a place to stay though I can't disguise my surprise that it's at the Potter's. I realize to some extent you are 'family friends' as you've put it, however, it's a bit disconcerting that you've moved into ex-boyfriend's home. I am sure if you had written to me about your predicament, my family would have more then happily taken you in. Nevertheless, the decision seems to have already been made and you mentioned it was only temporary? Has it become permanent yet?

I am doing well. The real battles haven't started as everyone is still in preparation. I saw a few of your friends from Hogwarts, for they stopped at the base for a night to sleep. James was one of them.

"Lily," Mrs. Potter said suddenly, impeding Lily's now pounding heart as she rapidly stashed the letter behind her.

"Yes," she uttered breathlessly.

"You can finish the letter, dear," Mrs. Potter said amused at her reaction.

"Oh, it's nothing," Lily said too quickly. "I'll finish it later."

"Okay," Mrs. Potter said taking a sip of her tea as Lily caught her breath, trying to remain calm. She looked down at the crinkled letter and then back at Mrs. Potter, who pointed to her lap. "Why don't you finish while I help Swifty clean up here."

"Right, then," Lily said pulling out the letter as she watched Mrs. Potter walk out of the room.

We didn't speak long nor did I mention anything; yet, I understood he knew who I was. I promised to tell you if we ever crossed paths, so here I am.

If anything changes, I will let you know. Meanwhile, stay safe.

Smetty

Lily crumpled the letter in her hands, anxiety flowing through her. James had met Smetty and knew who he was. She knew right away that good for nothing prat, Sirius Black, told him. She tried inhaling to calm her shaky nerves but nothing was coming out expect for helpless pants. And she couldn't even pinpoint what she was more nervous about: that Smetty and James came face to face, that she was staying at James's house and Smetty wasn't too happy about it or that James had met her boyfriend all the while she staying at his house.

She groaned as she put her head between her hands. A mess, a hot mess.

She honestly wouldn't have expected anything better from herself.

Mrs. Potter came out of the kitchen and laughed at Lily's state.

"Lily, dear, are you alright?"

Lily looked up at her pouting and nodded. "Yes…"

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, taking a seat.

"Not really," Lily said folding the crumpled letter in her hands.

"Okay. Well, I've been looking for suitable flats for you, like we agreed, and I might have found something. Now it's not in Diagon Alley but in Hollow's Head, a Wizarding community in Manchester but it also means you can be closer to us."

"Oh," Lily said putting down her coffee. She had known this day would come. She after all had told Mrs. Potter that it should be temporary. But if she was honest with herself, she couldn't think of something she wanted to do less.

"The landlord seems kind enough and offered 12 galleons per month. I was thinking we could go today to give it a more formal look."

"Oh, wow. Okay, thank you so much," Lily said, trying to put on her best smile.

"I would, of course, much rather have you stay here with us," Mrs. Potter said giving her a fixed stare.

"I wouldn't want to be a burden," Lily said politely, looking down at her cup.

Mrs. Potter came over then, taking the cup of our Lily's hand and looked at her. "You are not a burden, I thought you understood that already."

"I do… I just, with everything that happened between me and James… we didn't exactly have the cleanest of breaks."

Mrs. Potter considered her thoughtfully. "Lily, I consider you part of my family and you are more then welcome to stay here. It's not up to James but me who resides in this household. I realize things between the two of you are… tricky but I know that James loves you very deeply, and without correlation, so do Fleamont and I."

Tears pricked in Lily's eyes and she looked up at her guiltily. "I have a boyfriend, Mrs. Potter. My letter was from my boyfriend."

She paused, and Lily felt as if she had ruined everything but it had been sitting on her shoulders throughout the week, as if she was given off false promises. Wouldn't their feelings change once they realized she had moved on with someone else? She never viewed her relationship with Smetty as a betrayal towards James (quite the opposite) but staying in his house, being loved by his family… that seemed incredibly unfair.

"Lily," Mrs. Potter said then very firmly. "What happens between you and James and anyone else I will leave between those barriers. I am not here to interfere, and I am after all not your mother. With James I can share my opinion, you however, it is your life and I respect that. When I invited you to live here, I can assure you it was not with any other motive expect for the fact that I have grown to love you as if you are my own.

"Now," she said getting up. "I would ask that you go upstairs and prepare for the day. I am now insisting that you stay here."

Lily gapped at James Potter's amazing mother, wondering if he understood how lucky he was.

Later, Lily sat in her room listening to the Wizarding radio waiting to hear of some real news, not theories or background. But that's all it was: chatter.

"Even if the Ministry and the Aurors believe they won the battle, it is important that the Ministry of Magic conduct investigations into these days of fighting," the commentator began. "This investigation rather than an inquiry: an investigation seeks information on how to conduct the next battle more effectively, whereas an inquiry seeks to discover who is at fault, and who can be blamed for past actions…"

"Lily," Mrs. Potter said, knocking lightly on her open door, and Lily immediately flicked her wand to lower the volume of the radio.

"Sorry," Lily said sheepishly. "I think I am addicted."

"No need to apologize. I've been listening to my fair share of the radio but I must say, I'm starting to agree with Fleamont. Anyways, I wanted to check that you have everything you need and if not, please let me know and I'm sure Swifty would be happy to fetch them for you," she said coming further in the room and sitting on the bed.

Right away, Lily could feel there was something on her mind. It wasn't hostile or concerned but an unsure tone, and Lily Evans had never seen the sophisticated Mrs. Potter questioning of herself before.

"I wanted to discuss something with you," she began, folding her arms.

"Yes?"

"We've always had an open household here. James may be a bit rambunctious but he has always kept me and Fleamont in the loop, no detention unheard of. And I feel as a member of this household you should also be included."

Lily nodded tentatively, questioning what exactly Mrs. Potter was trying to tell her.

"I sent post to James today informing him that you would be staying with us during the summer holiday."

Lily bit her lip hard, the validation of it all causing her heart to race. "Of course, he's your son… he should know whose staying in his house."

"James would want to know and I felt uneasy about keeping this from him now that it has become permanent. However, I informed him that you were my guest, and that if otherwise instructed, he was to leave you alone."

Lily couldn't help the smile that spread, as it was pretty clear that if James listened to one person in his life, it was his mother, no questions asked. "Thank you, Mrs. Potter."

"I think it's about time you call me Euphemia, don't you?"

Lily nodded at her gratefully. "Thank you, Euphemia."

Mrs. Potter got up, preparing to exit when Lily called out unexpectedly, not even aware what was to come out of her mouth. "Did he respond?"

Mrs. Potter gave her a coy smile. "I sent it only this morning but when he responds would you like me to tell you?"

Lily shook her head quickly, inwardly shaming herself for even thinking such a thing. She had a boyfriend. "No, no. No, sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"As you like."

And so the days passed into weeks and Lily found herself the happiest she had ever been considering. She was being well looked out, sought after and loved. She had become part of the Potter daily routine and she suddenly understood where James's complete and utter arrogance came from. It was a privilege to be surrounded by logical, rational and supportive people like his parents.

With the operation continuing, the radio was played at all times of the day in joints, cafes, and anywhere their was public gatherings. It seemed expected from the Wizarding community this constant need to be involved in the war considering everyone felt they had something at stake or knew someone or other involved. Wizarding media was having a field day too; interviewing anyone they could get their hands on from random Muggle borns to families of Auror's to government officials. Pictures printed in the Daily Prophetshowed various Wizarding towns and areas like Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley damaged in their infrastructure including boarded up windows, many shops closing for the summer, or complete abandonment. Many Wizarding journalist themselves weren't safe as a few were seriously injured in the crossfire, with two reported missing and three killed while on duty.

All summer programs had been canceled and a request put out that all people to stay at home and protect their households with Shield Charms and anti-Apparition barriers. The Ministry had also put a strict rule that a gathering of hundred or more people were banned. Due to the trajectory of random attacks, many Wizarding known locations like the entrance to the Ministry or 9 ¾ Quarters were rerouted. Many Wizarding experts and commentators heavily criticized the Ministry for these new regulations, expressing that these decisions were driving up anxiety and caused considerably more damage than the potential danger it prevented. Lily strongly wondered what all this war and destruction would do to the mental health of young children… and if constant powerful spells on Muggles affected them at all, or even wizards.

Meanwhile, Lily joined Mrs. Potter to various social outings throughout the day that supported Aurors to ensure they received home cooked meals, buying useful or missing weapons to assist them or raising funds. It was an aspect of the Magical world she had never been privy too but she noticed right away was rooted deep in traditional Wizarding culture. She suddenly understood why Ezra and Caleb made fun of Samson so much for attending these events.

Not that she doubted Mrs. Potter, but it was astonishing the way in which blood ties ran deep and those around her didn't even notice there sense of privilege. Mrs. Potter was fully aware but her friends seemed to believe that because they supported Muggle bornsthen they could also joke about Muggle borns. Mrs. Potter always reassured her never to pay attention to their ill mannerism, as these ladies appeared unaware of Lily's own status as a Muggle born. Yet, the root of the dark rebellion was more prominent then she had ever understood. For the stereotype existed, and though many of these people supported the Ministry and the cause against the dark rebellion, they had a complete lack of awareness towards their own bias.

How many times had she heard in hushed tones: "Oh, we need to help those poor Muggle borns, I'm mean, obviously they wouldn't be able to survive without our support."

Dazed and a bit bored at one of these events, one of Euphemia's friends pointed out Lily's necklace.

"It's a beautiful, a Patrnous necklace, correct?" she asked as Lily played with the stag on her chest unconsciously.

Lily looked up at her perplexed. "Uh, I don't know. It was a gift."

"Most definitely a Patrnous necklace," the lady continued as Lily tried to ignore Euphemia's curious stare.

Lily had begun wearing the stag necklace a few days after she had moved in. She didn't know why but it made her feel closer to him, as if she could feel that he was safe. Some days it would heat to the point of burning while others it remained cold and lifeless against her chest. It felt different than the doe necklace before it but she couldn't explain why.

James was occasionally brought up during breakfast and throughout the day, but never in the mention of their tense relationship or encouragement of them. Their seemed to be unwritten rule, that the Potter's understood, in which Lily wanted to know if he was safe but never wanting to actually talk about it. Not with his parents anyways. She had briefly mentioned her living status to Sienna who in return had a complete meltdown of excitement via letter that Lily literally felt it across the pond. After that, she tried not to mention it to anyone else.

Lily found herself wanting to do more though. She heard of random attacks throughout London in Muggle heavy populations causing the Ministry to urgently conjure Obliviation spells throughout communities. Almost 20 Muggles had been killed and many more seriously injured. St. Mungo's had been overpopulated and Lily heard they had opened hospitals and clinics throughout the country to accommodate, and needed trained wizards and witches to volunteer.

Mr. Potter suggested she volunteer at one of these clinics when she told him of her need to help.

"But I have no qualifications."

"Lily, you are studying to become a Healer," Mr. Potter said to her as if it was the most obvious thing. "You are more qualified than most."

"But I only finished my first year."

But Mr. Potter set it up. Slightly outside of London, Lily found herself four days a week tending to the wounded Aurors. Some recovering from breaking bones or missing limbs, others recovering from harsh spells, those who fell ill. But mainly anyone who she came upon would already be in the recovery stage, or the last stage. She mainly wrapped badges, kept company, and applied lethal amounts of dittany. She found herself meeting new sorts of wizards and witches from all over the United Kingdom; many telling her their heroing tales and Lily spending amble amounts of time laughing and cheering up those who let her.

She was badging up a wizard's leg that had been caught in the crossfire of Fiendfyre. He had suffered from severe burns but slowly was recovering. Yet, since he had entered the clinic, Lily couldn't help but notice his hollow eyes. After she patched him up, she sat with him, talking about anything though he gave no reaction but with no reaction. In a dull in her talking, he turned to her, his face scared.

"I don't think it's worth it."

Startled, she answered, "What?"

"Everything, this war. What's it really about other then death?"

She gulped at his aching attitude and Lily wanted to comfort but there was nothing she could say. She agreed with him.

"What's it like?"

He looked at her with his hollow eyes. "Dark, you can never see were you are going because even daylight is blinding."

These stories chipped away at her. What was the cost of this war? Where was the value for human life? Everything that was covered in the press seemed to focus that these people suffered for national pride. A focus on the bereavement was minimal. But were these lives a justification for fighting? Samson had sent her a letter letting her know that Caleb had been badly injured but was in recovery. These people that she knew and loved… when was it going to end?

Volunteering, and seeing all these faces, she couldn't help but constantly look for James. She knew that he was safe but she couldn't help but imagine him there one day. Some nights she lay awake so worried about him it was as if she couldn't breathe. There would be times when she even got out of bed and found herself wandering towards his room, opening it slightly only to get a waft of him and run out. In her dreams they would meet in sunlight, and she would wake up from the guilt and sweat they caused her.

She would also have to remind herself constantly throughout the day that she had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who was also on the battlefield. He had written her throughout the operation, taking deep measures to keep her clam but remain truthful.

This night, she lay again awake, remembering the news of the day, the names of those who died. She stared at the ceiling, playing with her stag, feeling the warm heat against her hands. She wondered what James was doing in that moment and if he was safe, when she heard a tapping at the window.

She turned her head and saw an owl, flapping its wings patiently as she quickly got up and let him in. She released the note attached to his leg looking around for something to give him when she realized the owl knew his surroundings very well. It was James's owl.

Her heart thumping, she looked down at the letter and right away recognized James's scrawl. She swallowed thickly and sat uselessly back on her bed. She had always believed it was better for her never to have heard from him. For as long as she didn't hear from him, he was safe and secure and nothing horrible was happening to him thus he didn't need to contact her. Because she had always known that if it would have gotten bad, really bad, he would tell her.

But here she was, holding his letter in her hands.

She shut her eyes tightly before ripping it open.

Dear Lily,

I realize this letter well arrive to you a bit unexpected and there is a good chance you are uninterested in receiving it. My mother told me not to harass you and Sirius let me know you have a boyfriend... either way I wanted to send you this letter. If this war taught me anything is that shame and regret are impractical.

First, I am okay. The war is tough and not easy on any of us. I have witnessed and done things I wish for no one. Every day I want to come home but that feels far away. It makes it easier knowing that when I eventually do come home, you'll be there... maybe you didn't want to know that but it's true. I was thrilled to hear you are staying with my parents. I can't deny that I'm glad that something in this horrible war has lead me closer to you.

I told myself I had to write you, at least once to try. I am sorry for my behavior, how I let you feel in these last months. You have to understand that my intentions were always that the both of us wouldn't get hurt in this process. But my approach might have been rash and ultimately wrong as I ended up hurting you, the most important person to me. You never were or will be something casual and I did take every minute of us together seriously.

I started to realize throughout the weeks a few things. I know I made a mess of it and I don't deserve to send you this letter… but I'm doing it anyways. When I left you that morning, I was confused and worried and wanted to protect you. I'm still in love with you.

I'll accept it if you think this letter is a little too late but you're the worth the risk. And I'm sorry if I ever gave you feeling that you weren't.

Love,

James

Lily stared shocked to her absolute core. Reading it over and over again to make sure she hadn't imagined it. When she read the letter for the sixth time she realized that maybe he was expecting a response but that only jumbled her thoughts deeper into the pit she had entered. All she seemed able to process was to reread the letter, her eyes flashing against the words I'm still in love with you.

Her heart pounded fiercely, wondering were exactly she was expected to go from there. Was it the mature path, the cowardly one? If all those years and months and days with James had not taught her anything and she responded to his message, what did it say about her? Of course, she was almost giddy, screaming with supreme justification that he had finally wrote her, finally acknowledged her, finally wasn't a coward… But just because he wrote her did it mean that she needed to accept it? Or even more so, just because he wrote her it didn't change anything at all. For in the end, all James had provided her were words on a paper, not even a promise on the paper.

A creeping sense of guilt climbed her spine too. She was staying in his home; his parents had taken her in because James had included her so thoroughly in his gang of friends. It was awkward as she considered were the thin line sat between guilt and obligation. This had always been a possibility, and Lily had known she would eventually run into James. But did she have to sacrifice herself?

So Lily decided in that moment she wasn't going to respond. His words were comforting, almost egotistical, but they couldn't erase what had happened because Lily reminded herself of that morning, alone, abandoned and how cold she had felt afterwards knowing she hadn't even been worth an explanation.

After all, James had left her without saying goodbye, why couldn't she do the same?

TBC

[evansnjames]

No Headlights in Paradise (7/13)

Sorry for the long delay – but I 100% intend to finish this story and for anyone who is still out there, hope you enjoy

Chapter 7 – Separation was Temporary

Summary: Timing wasn’t right. Love decided they didn’t belong… Follow the story of James & Lily through Hogwarts to the Order of Phoenix were time is their looming adversary.

You can read it from the start at ff.net!

Song choice: Street Lights – Kanye West

The chalk scratching against the blackboard wasn't sharp enough so it kept screeching against itself, and that was the only thing Lily heard throughout her class. Originally, she had intended to take thorough notes to distract herself, yet when she had lifted her quill and tried listening to her Professor… it was as if her brain couldn't follow. She wrote in slow motion, paid attention in slow motion, listened in slow motion as if every thought registered heavy with emotion. So even though she had originally decided to take notes, Lily quickly realized staring at the fluttering of ravens circling the oak tree, listening to the chalk, and sinking into that feeling of desperation made more sense, anyways.

When the class concluded, Lily sluggishly started moving, every effort feeling as if it was extraneous and Lily thinking how did everyone put their winter garments on so quickly. She pulled on her blue backpack and prepared to exit when she heard her name lightly being called from the front of the room.

She looked over to see the Teacher's Assistant half sitting on the desk staring at her intently. She took a deep, reluctant breath and faced Smetty.

"Hey," she said faintly.

He gave her a simple look that had Lily looking down at the floor as he waited for the rest of the class to leave before waving his wand and shutting the door.

"Listen, Lily, I don't know what happened over Christmas. It's not like me to ambush anyone but you've avoided me and I just want to make sure you're okay. You look ill."

She bit her lip, trying to elude his concerned stare. Everyone had been so concerned with her since she had returned from break. Sienna had attempted to keep her busy and take her out but she had snapped, wanting to be alone. When the boys had come over, she hadn't left her room and when Smetty knocked on her door she had pointedly ignored him. She had known that eventually this confrontation would happen but the heartbreak of having James and then losing James was all to consuming. Smetty didn't deserve her sorrow show after he had already witnessed it once before. In all honestly, Smetty deserved someone much better than her, someone who didn't go chasing daydreams instead of solid, reliable people, like Smetty.

"I'm… sorry for avoiding you."

"There's nothing to be sorry about, but I do want to check in with you. What's going on?"

She bit the inside of her cheek and finally looked up at him, pulling her scarf further around her neck. She tried to answer but no words escaped and she looked at him a bit helplessly. "I'm just… tired."

He shook his head and crossed his arms. "Why don't you take a seat," pointing to the front row.

Lily lamely fell into one of the chairs and waited.

"Lily, you're my friend but you're also one of my my students and I'm concerned. Since classes have started I noticed you barely pay attention and of course I don't want you falling behind as once you fall behind in the Field Healer Program it becomes extremely difficult to catch up. It makes me wonder if the department was wrong in letting you in when so many other students were interested."

"I know, I know," Lily said uselessly. "This is important to me, I promise. I'll, I'm going to get my act together."

"I know this is uncomfortable because we are friends… Or at least I thought we were before the holiday."

She swallowed painfully and stumbled out, "We are friends."

He snorted, "Maybe once more with feeling."

She gave out a hapless shrug and looked at him with a sad smile. "I'm sorry that I've been… unfair to you. You deserve much better than me."

"How about I decide what I deserve, yeah?" he said firmly, causing a soft smile to grace Lily's lips. "How about just telling me what's going on. You come home and Sienna is running around declaring she has a boyfriend and you're locked in your room not coming out. We're all just confused. And too be honest, I had hopes something would happen between us. Now I'm just worried."

She stared into his bright blue eyes. "I'm sorry."

"You keep saying that," he laughed out humorlessly. "It's fine if you changed you're mind about going out with me-"

"It's not that, I mean, a bit yes but it's not because of you," she mumbled.

He didn't say anything but waited patiently and Lily groaned inwardly.

"I ran into, into that guy from Hogwarts that I had told you about…" Her mouth went dry as she sought the words best to explain but came out blank considering she didn't even know how to explain it to herself. "Anyways, it ended, badly, and well, I've been a mess ever since."

"Right."

They stayed there in pregnant silence that had Lily twitching uncomfortably with her hands and left severely unsure what her next step should be. "Look, I'm so sorry about all this-"

He waved his hand. "That's unnecessary, Lily. Things happen, that's timing and our decisions. I would only be a hypocrite if I tried telling you different or to tell you to hold back onto your feelings. Because I think the feeling of regret is worse. I will say though… eventually we all have to learn and I hope this time with that guy, you learned something about yourself." Lily stared at him stunned but he wasn't finished. "But you are still my student and you're already far behind. The semester started two weeks ago and the only thing you've accomplished is staring out the window. I'm assuming this happened in all your other courses?"

Lily nodded dumbly.

"Very well. Will you meet me round the library tomorrow, say five?"

"You want to help me after all this?" Lily asked confused.

"Lily, before anything else you are my friend. I see you in distress and I want to help. I think it would be a shame for you to fail your classes because of heartbreak. I was attracted to your because of your overwhelming potential. If I get something out of it… well, that's only a bonus."

She stared open-mouthed at him and he finally let out a reluctant smile that had Lily smiling too. "I don't deserve this."

He gave her a half smirk and shrug, "Maybe, but like I said, I'll be the judge of that. It's funny how hard people are on themselves for only feeling. Emotions, feelings, isn't necessarily a bad thing. Everything is a lesson and it's about learning from those situations that we can grow."

She swallowed and got up and before she thought too much about it, hugged him. "Thank you. Really."

He laid a hand on her shoulder and gave her a grim smile. "I can't say I'm doing this hundred percent unselfishly but you're welcome."

She gave him a kind smile in return and let go. "I can't… I can't promise anything."

He raised his hands innocently, "Let's just get you caught up first, okay?"

"Okay."

Lily dragged herself to her apartment, the talk with Smetty awakening something within her but also taking up much of her depleted energy. It didn't help that it was overcast and started raining on her way back home. Brilliant, she thought dramatically, exactly what she had needed after her ass kicking from Smetty.

She dropped her wet school bag on the doorway uncaringly, hung her winter jacket, hat and scarf before slumping off to the kitchen looking for comfort food. Her hands were frozen and she immediately waved her wand towards the pot to boil water.

"Sienna," she called out as she searched through their empty refrigerator.

"Hey," Sienna called from her room, "When did you get back?"

"Just now," as she put out a cup with mint tea. She poured the hot water into the glass and added honey. "Want tea?"

"Nah," she said as she finally walked out of the room and sat on their couch. "Should we start a fire? I'm straight up freezing. I never thought January could be colder than December."

Lily laughed as she brought the hot mug to her lips and sighed into the warmth as Sienna magically created them a cozy fire. She joined Sienna on the couch and they watched the flames lick together for a moment before Sienna turned to her. "How was your day?"

Lily shrugged and took another sip. "Smetty pulled me aside after class."

"What? What he say?" Sienna asked way too excited.

"He just kicked my ass. Told me I needed to get my act together… but he was also, very understanding, like much to kind honestly. Offered to help me with all my schoolwork because he noticed I hadn't been paying attention in class."

"That's considerate of him, considering… well, you know, that he wants to go out with you."

Lily looked over at her and groaned. "I told him, that, well I told him I saw someone over the break and that I couldn't promise anything."

"Oh, and he still offered to tutor you?"

Lily shrugged and looked at the flames. "I wish we had a telly, maybe we should invest in that considering we are both Muggles."

"Lily! We aren't Muggles, we are witches. And stop it," Sienna said and then grabbed her hand. "How are you?"

"I told you, fine." Sienna gave her a no nonsense stare but Lily ignored it. "Sienna, I'm fine."

"C'mon," Sienna said but Lily interrupted her.

"Stop, Sienna. I just don't want to talk about it."

"Okay, but Lily you haven't spoken about it at all since that morning."

Lily jumped up in frustration. "Because I don't want too! What can't you understand about that? And anyways, aren't you Sirius Black's girlfriend? Why on earth would I say anything to you when you would probably blab to Sirius who would tell James?"

"Lily!" Sienna said getting up too and moving towards her but Lily moved away, lifting her hands in warning.

"Please just stop. You got your happy ending, Sirius committed to you. I'm happy for you but please just just let it go."

"Lily, it's nothing like that-"

But Lily had already marched towards her room and slammed the door shut. She leaned heavily against her door and shut her eyes. She was well aware she had overreacted, and was rude to her best friend. But it was like she couldn't help the boiling emotions within her because every time she did think about it… all she would be able to think about was how unfair it all was. How silly, and frustrating and ridiculous. Because if Sirius could be with Sienna, why couldn't they be together? None of it made sense, none of it was coming together and for Lily, it seemed the answers she so desperately sought would only evade her.

So she didn't want to talk about it or think about it or take it in. He had disappeared like a prat in heat. She hadn't even been warranted a goodbye like a proper human. So no, she didn't want to think about it or talk about it or consider it. She wanted to forget about the humiliation of that day staring at Sirius like the world's biggest twit whose non-boyfriend left her again.

So instead of not thinking about it she locked herself in her room, in a place where absolutely nothing reminded her of him and if it did she could burn it into flame. School was a bit more complicated considering she was in the Field Healer Program, but considering he wasn't an Auror at all, made it less complex then it needed to be.

She heard a knock on her door, and opened it to see Sienna leaning coolly against her doorframe with raised eyebrows.

"I'm sorry," Lily muttered embarrassed to a Sienna who just rolled her eyes and waved her off.

"It's not okay, but I understand."

Lily hugged her then because she was the closet person she had, and Sienna hugged her back tightly. "I love you."

"I love you too."

They hugged for a few more moments before Sienna let go and looked at her. "Listen, we don't need to talk about it but I can't watch you sulk anymore."

"I'm not sulking."

Sienna gave Lily a pointed look. "Whatever you want to call it but let's go out. Spend some time with the guys. It can't do you any harm, you know…"

Lily tried to ignore this suggestion but realized Sienna Montgomery could never be ignored, and even more than that, she was right. "How can we go out with the guys when you're dating Sirius? Won't it be weird with Caleb?"

Sienna rolled her eyes. "Please, be real. First of all Caleb and me were casual. Second of all, we made no commitments – him to me or the opposite. And anyways, I ran into him in the hallway a few days ago and all is good. I can assure you that he is not heartbroken and has moved on quite undoubtedly."

Lily cracked a grin and then gave a big sigh. "Fine, maybe one drink. But to tell you the truth I'm not really in the mood."

Sienna approached her and sat on her bed and stroked her hair. "Lily, it's okay to be sad. What James did was really fucked up." Lily flinched at his name and Sienna gave her a sad smile. "But you're not alone in this, okay? Not like last time and not like all those years in Hogwarts. Maybe you don't remember but what made you feel better was going out and having a good time. Staying in and thinking whatever it is you're thinking isn't going to help."

"It would help if you stopped be right all the time."

Sienna laughed as she got up. "I told the boys we would meet them at nine at the pub. Don't make me have to dress you myself."

Lily successfully dressed herself in black jeans and long black-sleeved shirt. She tied her hair back neatly in a pony tail and followed Sienna as they strolled together to the pub, Lily having serious déjà vu to their first go around. The idea made her heart sink further down her chest.

They walked silently and Lily couldn't help but notice many of the shops now had defense charms glowing around them, only reminding Lily of the delicate precedent they were living in… the reason her and James couldn't be together.

"It's getting insane, isn't it?" Sienna whispered even though it was a Friday night and tons of people were milling around them.

"The increased security?"

"Even in Muggle areas."

Lily nodded in agreement as they kept walking. People were walking a bit more hushed if she paid attention with their heads down and those Lily recognized as wizards or witches continually kept their hands near their sides, close to their wands. It was unnerving and yet, Lily wondered if the other side, the dark side was also walking in constant fear.

As the two arrived to the pub, Lily couldn't help but give a sigh of relief and then annoyance.

"Lily," Sienna warned. "We agreed that going out was what you needed."

"Yeah, yeah," Lily muttered as Sienna literally dragged her through the sticky floor to their group of friends. "My mood has changed multiple times since then."

Sienna laughed at her as they spotted the boys and pushed through the throng of drunk and noisy people.

They reached the table to cheerful hellos, and Lily made eye contact with Smetty whom she shot a shy smile. He scooted over on his side of the bench. "There's room."

She nodded awkwardly. "Thanks, yeah."

She slid in and felt instantly tense even though Sienna and the rest were already getting along gallantly.

"You know, the last time I saw Lily and Sienna they were pissed out of their minds," Samson said as he drank heartily from his pint. "I saw the beginning of Sienna and Black, it was very drunk, mind you."

They boys laughed, and Sienna didn't even pretend to be phased. "Speaking of getting pissed…" Sienna said pointedly at Samson who was closet to the bar. "I think it might be time for another round, this time with me and Lils."

Samson saluted her. "Ma'am, yes, ma'am," imitating the American Southern accent Sienna sometimes had when she was plastered.

Samson called over the waitress and ordered two rounds of pitchers.

"Where did you guys run into each other?" Smetty asked.

"At the Potter's Christmas party," Samson replied to a round of snorts. Lily looked up interestedly as they gave Samson grief.

"Of course, you prat," Caleb said, smacking him over the head..

"Ugh, the high society of you," Ezra remarked.

"Oi, you lot are just jealous and what exactly was I going to do, not spend Christmas Eve with my parents?"

"A problem with the Potter's?" Sienna asked looking at them perplexed.

"No problem," Caleb retorted. "Oh, unless you count the whole old British pureblood traditional society thing."

"What?" Lily said, her eyebrows scrunching in instant defense as she tried to hold in the glaring daggers coming out of her eyes. "The Potter's are some of the biggest Muggle supporters I have ever met!"

Caleb raised his hands while Ezra whistled pretending to hold the two back. "Lils, you're right. No need to get testy but there's no denying the Potter's and all their friends are pureblood society. They support the Muggle cause obviously because it's the right thing to do but you don't see them debasing themselves with us lowlifes much, do you?"

"Of course they would support the Muggles!" Caleb whispered sarcastically, ignoring Sienna's jab in his direction. "Hey there, just because your boyfriend lives with them doesn't change the fact that the Potter's are socialites."

"Might I remind you, you two aren't exactly Muggles or half-bloods yourself," Sienna shot.

"Of course, but we forgot something, oh yeah, that whole rich, pureblood, Wizarding history families thing," Ezra explained. "Somewhere along the line there is a difference."

"You two the daftest people I have ever met," Sienna said in a bitingly bored tone that caused Caleb to clutch his heart.

"You heart me, love," Caleb said mockingly, and they continued bickering between each other.

"They're like an old married couple," Ezra asserted as he slapped a hand around Caleb's mouth and Samson across Sienna's.

"Finally some peace," Samson commented. "Now if we release you two children, promise not to fight?"

The two laughed in agreement, as the waitress returned with their drinks.

"How did you even score an invite?" Ezra asked Samson.

Lily tensed up at the return to the subject, and Smetty glanced her in question.

"You okay?" he asked quietly.

Lily nodded. She internally chided herself for being so physically uncomfortable at the mention of James Potter that even Smetty noticed.

"My parents are old friend's of the Potter's," Samson answered. "I go every year. Actually, Fenwick was there too."

"No kidding!" Ezra said. "How is he?"

"Posh as ever, but good. When I ran into these two smashed ladies he was there."

Sienna smirked. "It was a fun party."

"Surprised you even remember it," Samson said in jest that had Sienna shoving him.

"What's Fenwick up to these days?" Ezra asked. "Didn't he go to the Auror Academy?"

"Yeah, but he runs in a totally new crowd, I didn't recognize half the people he introduced me too. Do you see him in reserves, Smetty?"

Smetty nodded. "Occasionally."

Samson shrugged. "He actually spent a good portion with Fabian and Gideon Prewett, you guys remember them?"

"Merlin, those two! God, they used to drive Flinch up the wall," Caleb said taking a good drink from his pint. "Surprised they were invited."

"They seemed good friend with the Potter heir, James," Samson mocked.

All three of the boys laughed hard at the remark and Lily looked down at her fingers, ignoring Sienna's concerned glance and scrunching up the feeling to defend James.

Caleb looked over at Sienna. "And how were you two invited to the social event of the year?"

She gave him a sardonic look. "You realize that Lily was in Gryffindor with James Potter for seven years, right?"

"Bullocks, I forget you were in Gryffindor, Lily. You are so the Ravenclaw type," Caleb laughed and Lily reluctantly looked up and gave him a small smile.

"Nope, Gryffindor," she said over her racing heart.

"And you're the Slytherin type, but the Sorting Hat is known to have made a few mistakes in its time," Ezra retorted as Caleb threw a napkin at him.

Lily swallowed hard and looked down again, trying to compose herself when she heard Smetty say her name quietly. Her sad eyes met him. "Are you okay?"

"Been better."

He glanced around the crowded pub then back at her. "Want me to take you home?"

At his comment, Sienna glanced over and saw the distress consuming Lily. "Are you okay, what's up?"

Everyone now looked at her and she tensed up, desperately not wanting any of the attention to be on her. She just wasn't ready for it. "I just uh I was feeling dizzy. No worries."

"You look pale, Lils," Ezra commented but Lily shrunk from his touch and stood up.

"I think I might get some air."

"I'll come with," Sienna said as she led Lily outside and for a second Lily forgot how cold it was as she inhaled the fresh air and her thoughts relaxed into one beating sound.

"What happened in there?" Sienna asked lightly. "If you don't want to talk about it we don't have too but we're all worried about you. I really thought for a second you might pass out."

Lily took another deep breath and looked into the dark sky and up at the moon. She wondered if James was looking at the moon right then. She felt a burning on her chest suddenly and knew it was from the stag necklace James had given her that even with all the heartbreak, she just couldn't take it off.

"It just got too hot in there, is all."

They leaned against the biting brick wall and Lily inhaled an icy breath watching the glowing streetlights. She felt so disconnected from her her former self, from her original plans and ideas, and they seemed so out of reach in that moment because all she wanted, all she had ever wanted was that notion of true love… true love with James.

"It's been two weeks," she whispered. "And sometimes I'm not even sure if it happened."

"Lily…"

"I just don't even know how to move on, how to breath anymore. Last time hurt but this feels impossible," Lily cried as tears started pouring out and Sienna took her into her arms and hugged her soundly. "It's not fair, it's just not fair."

So she finally let herself cry, there was nothing else to do but give up. "He hasn't even written me, you know?" Lily sniffled, looking up at her best friend. "I mean Sirius has written you, right?"

Sienna nodded at the empty question and Lily swallowed painfully. "None of it makes any sense, I just want it to make sense, I just want him. Why doesn't he want me enough?"

Lily cried utterly devastated and held on because she had nothing to else to hold on too. James had told her loved her, that they were supposed to be together… so why weren't they together? Nothing about it made any sense and that confusion tormented her. Because Lily was logical and rational, she was good at puzzles and challenges, and this time every time she tried to connect the dots they slipped through her fingers. It was completely out of her control no matter how hard she tried or hoped for it.

Tears streamed down her cold face, and Sienna came forward and tried wiping them away but more just replaced them. "I'm so sorry, Lils. You don't deserve this."

But somewhere, deep inside, Lily wondered, maybe she did deserve it. Because hadn't she known James could react like this? Hadn't he reacted like this before?

"I keep justifying everything he does in my head, you know? But it's like the second I take it out of context and I just think about what he did…" Lily bit her lip painfully. "Like I know him, I know him so well but it's like he left. He said all these beautiful things and let me feel all these feelings but he still left. I mean… if someone treated you that way, in less than five seconds I would tell you to toss him. Why should I look at myself any differently?"

"Then maybe that's your answer, Lily," Sienna said softly as she stroked her hair.

Lily shrugged vulnerably. "I don't know what to believe anymore. You know, James..." and she laughed remembering the way Filch used to chase him down the corridors. "He would always get in trouble at Hogwarts but he was just so clever, always five steps ahead of everyone else, and he knew it. And it's just the same here.

"He left it in the unknown so I wouldn't know and he wouldn't know. And now this, its as if I'm almost forced to wait around for him so that whenever he does reappear, and he will eventually… I would be waiting for him. And to him it's almost like he doesn't care that I'm upset because he thinks with time he can fix it that I'll just give into him."

"So don't."

Lily blinked. "You're right."

"No, not 'you're right'. Don't wait for him!" Lily stared blankly at her and Sienna almost wanted to grin but refrained herself. "Do something, join a club, get perfect scores, go out with Smetty, anything! But don't wait around for James, not again."

"You know for a moment, I really thought I had closed this corner that… that we would really end up together."

"I know," Sienna said softly.

"I wouldn't know how to go about it," Lily said grimly, picking at a loose lace on her scarf. "I still can't believe I need to start over again."

"It's not so hard and I'll help. I'm excellent."

Lily cracked a sad smile. "I'm so heartbroken."

Sienna put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a grin. "Lily, it's okay but don't fall down the drain. You are so great it would be such a shame for you to be stunted because of heartbreak from James! Again! The one thing I learned from grieving my mom was that either you can give into your sadness and become a victim of your circumstances or you grow from it. Prove it to yourself because I already know you have it."

A touched tear slipped down her cheek as she hugged Sienna. "Thanks."

"Of course. But do it for yourself," Sienna said taking her by the shoulders and looking at her firmly. "I can't do it for you."

Lily nodded wondering how she had let herself get here.

And so it went. Lily created a daily routine to ensure a new sense of stability. She woke up, poured herself a cup of hotly brewed coffee, ate a healthy breakfast, collected herself for school and faked it till she made it. She began going to daily yoga classes with Sienna, joined a book club, and focused on her studies. When she found herself drifting in class, falling into her own memories, she would visually imagine herself putting a block charm on James and pushed forward.

It wasn't cement and some days were harder than others but the routine started working and slowly but surely the color returned to her face. If she could get over James once, she could do it again, she reminded herself on a daily basis. And one day, a few weeks later, in the middle of pouring herself coffee and sitting on her couch, admiring the frosted window, she realized James hadn't been her first thought that morning. That alone was such a victory that Lily let out a laugh.

"What are you laughing about?" Sienna said walking passed her into the kitchen.

Lily kept smiling and shrugged. "Just a good morning, I guess."

"More like freezing morning! I can't take it anymore! My feet were frozen this morning, frozen!" Sienna complained as she wiped out her wand and began preparing eggs. "Do you want breakfast?"

Lily shook her head as she got up, wrapping her light morning robe tighter around her. Sienna liked to complain but she wasn't wrong, it did feel like the never-ending winter in Cornwall. It was darker and more morose outside, and initially Lily had imagined it had just been her attitude but with the improvements in her life the weather had stayed the same, actually getting worse. Walking at night to the city center felt almost impossible because the cold was inescapable but also it became almost eerie. It was commonplace now to see the glow of defense shield's on Wizarding shops, yet, it was the news that raised the hair on Lily's spine. The rise of attacks on Muggle-borns and Muggles became so commonplace that the reporting of them became so casual it left trepidation in her heart.

Lily shook her head of her dark thoughts. "No thanks, I need to get to the library to meet with Smetty."

Sienna attempted to keep acting casually that caused Lily to smile softly at her. "You've been spending a lot of time with Smetty lately."

"He's been helping me with my studies," Lily stated.

And because it was true. Smetty was helping her just with her studies, and anything besides that even left Lily wondering if he still wanted more. But Lily was most definitely not going to say anything about her observation to Sienna. For someone who was going out with James Potter's best friend, she sure did want her to move on quickly.

"Oh well," Sienna said disappointedly. "Maybe with Valentine's Day coming up he might ask you to do something? Did y'all talk about it?"

"I honestly forgot about Valentine's Day to tell you the truth but I doubt it. I told you, I'm not ready."

"I know, I know you aren't ready but Lily come on, maybe dating someone else will help you become ready."

Lily rolled her eyes good naturedly, "Who knows but either way I think it's one step at a time and right now I'm just focusing on not failing this semester."

"Whatever you say," Sienna shrugged as she started eating her eggs. "Uh, by the way…" Sienna started and Lily already knew what she was about to say by the tone of her voice and tried desperately to pretend her heart wasn't sinking deep into her body. "Sirius is coming up for Valentine's Day weekend."

Lily swallowed her un-comfortableness and smiled at her best friend. "That's great."

Sienna looked over at her, both of them knowing Sirius had been to visit two times already and Lily had somehow been able to become sparse and avoid Sirius completely. "We would love it if you came to dinner with us."

Lily paused. "On Valentine's Day?"

"Well, I guess?" Sienna laughed and then paused. "He really wants to see you. He's mentioned it a few times."

"We'll see, I think I have a test anyways that I need to study for."

They both knew she didn't have a test this time or the times before but Lily wasn't about to have a dinner or even a five minute conversation with James's best friend. She finally didn't think about him this morning meaning she was finally improving and she wasn't about to put herself hundred steps backwards.

When she closed the door to her room and started pulling her jeans and blouse on, she knew, if she was honest with herself, that she was desperate to hear any inkling or trace of James. To hear if he was safe or injured, hurt or… thinking about her. But she had to sternly remind herself that he disappeared, from her! That's when she would purposefully return herself back to that horrible morning were nothing but thin air had met her. And as far as she concerned that was a break up. A horrible, immature and unnecessary break up, but a break up all the same.

Lily pouted at her textbook as the words seemed to scramble on the page and she was sure she wasn't imagining it. "This stuff is so complicated and I think I sprained my wrist from flicking my hand so much."

Smetty laughed and picked up her limp wrist and watched it fall helplessly onto the desk. "It might be complicated but your really are a natural."

Lily looked over at him. "You're just saying that to be nice."

"I'm not," he said seriously. "I only say what I mean."

Lily looked into his intense eyes, and knew deep in her soul that he truly meant that. "Thank you."

"No need," he said as he pushed back from the table and stretched his arms and Lily couldn't help but admiring his built body. James looked good too, for sure, but Smetty… he was a man. Not just because his fitness was impeccable but the way he responded and reacted to situations, the way he took his life and studies seriously. The fact that he was in Healer reserves and went out to the battlefield monthly. It was attractive, Lily wouldn't deny that.

"Smetty?" Lily asked.

"Yeah?"

"What do you do in reserves?"

It was something she had been thinking about recently, especially as they grew closer. She noticed he seemed to have them more frequently then before. Caleb, Ezra or Samson never seemed to broach the topic and she wondered if they just had private conversation about it.

But for Lily, the war was looming. She had felt it in Hogwarts with Severus, and the more she read, the more she felt strangely connected to it. She wondered if it was because she was Muggle born or the fact that many of her friends were now in the thick of it. But something deep inside her was telling her to pay attention and take notice because soon enough it would also be her reality.

"What do you mean?" he asked slowly as if trying to process her question.

"I've been thinking more about the war, and I've noticed you've been gone more then usual and I wonder how safe you are."

"I'm… safer than most."

"What does that mean?"

Smetty took a thoughtful breath. "Why are you asking me this?"

"I'm curious…" she said simply. "I can't help wondering were you are when you are gone, if you are okay… I mean, we are friends, right?"

"Right," he said slowly. "Lily… I know you have a lot of friends-"

Lily shook her head vehemently. "That's not why I am asking. I mean do… have a lot of friends out there and I worry about them but… I worry about you too. It's like this huge thing is happening but I'm in a bubble and lately… I mean the weather has been horrid and I can't help thinking the war has something to do with it. And I feel like I should be doing something, anything to help."

"You're studying to become a Field Healer, that's more then most."

"What's it like?"

Smetty contemplated his answer. "It can be dark and cold, and you see things you wish for no one."

Lily waited patiently, waiting for him to continue. "I don't want to distress you, Lily. Or tempt you away from being a Field Healer."

"I'm not made from sugar!"

Smetty gave her a grim smile and she squeezed his hand. "I'm safer than most because Field Healer's are rarely in the field itself, I usually remain in the base so its quiet. But then in one moment it's not quiet and they bring you what's left of someone, sometimes someone you know and it's disgusting. Or you see curses that you couldn't believe exist. It's death in the youth, and you consider the value of humanity. How it starts and ends with ideology, how we are so easily run, one side by this Dark Lord and the other by the Ministry."

"The Ministry but I thought they were the good guys…"

"It's like this, Lily. You read the news and listen to the radio, right?" She nodded her head. "They're all these wise guys telling us over and over again that there is no solution to this conflict. They preach the concept of 'managing the conflict'. But when you've see what I've seen, and I'm talking about people you know missing their limbs, life sucked out of them, blood everywhere and them depending on you to save them… you realize that 'managing the conflict' will look exactly like last summer and the summer before that. It means another Auror operation and a third, and fourth, and fifth. Its constant wands at the ready and iron boots and beatings. It's disarray in the Ministry and Muggle beatings until the collapse of the International Statue of Secrecy and the further rise of Death Eaters, or an even more extreme and more fanatical factions than Death Eaters. This is what's happening, in my eyes."

Lily was fascinated at his words because the war, the conflict, it had always seemed to her about wands and power but she never thought about the afterwards, what would happen when Voldermort was defeated? What did that mean?

"Maybe something will surprise us, and the conflict will poof," Lily joked as she tried to lightly change the subject away from the doom that was clearly getting to Smetty.

"I think sometimes only something extreme, unknown, needs to intervene for anything to change because right now, it will only be more of the same. The leadership today, even if You-Know-Who is defeated, they won't lead us to safer waters."

"Well let's hope for a poof then," Lily chimed.

They shook on it and stared at each other that had Lily's heart racing.

"I was wondering something myself."

"Yeah?"

"Why you insisted on studying on a Friday night, on Valentine's Day weekend?"

"Oh," Lily said sitting up and then nervously wondering if she was ruined any plans for him. "I'm sorry, did you have plans?"

He shook his head. "No," and Lily was surprised but how relieved she was. "But I figured even if you were trying to distract yourself from something, you wouldn't need to study on a Friday night in the school library to do so."

"I… I was avoiding something in our block of flats."

Smetty raised his eyebrows and Lily bit her lip. They had never really broached the subject of why Lily was so intent on her studies or requested so many study sessions since there one conversation at the start of the semester but even so, Smetty had been right. Usually they would study in one of their apartments, not drag each other to the school library in the middle of the freezing winter.

"I was avoiding Sienna's boyfriend," Lily finally said.

Smetty looked over at her keenly, almost patiently as he waited for her to go on.

"I was dating- I'm assuming you figured it out already but I've had this complicated… relationship with-"

"James Potter," Smetty filled in.

Lily nodded uncomfortably. "And Sienna's boyfriend is his best friend and I just… I don't… I don't want to see him. I don't want reminders of him right now. Not when I'm doing so well anyways," Lily stated almost to herself. "I've come so far and seeing Sirius now, talking to him, returning to that place? Wouldn't that just be putting myself back there? Like I would be choosing the pain? At some point when I was staring at my ceiling for the millionth time I just said to myself if I keep choosing this, if I keep going back then I deserve it."

"Lily, you didn't deserve…"

"No, it's true. I mean everyone always says: 'you deserve better' but at some point everyone needs to stop and think to themselves that if they keep choosing the same situation, knowing how it's going to end then at some point I do deserve it. I'm choosing it and if I go back to the apartment right now and Sirius will be there and know him enough, myself enough, that he will talk to me about James and I want too. I may not be strong enough to face Sirius but I can choose better than placing myself there in the first place."

Lily stopped her short ramble, almost bursting with joy at the information she had shared because she realized how true it was, how strongly she felt it. Everything with James always did end the same. She had to learn how to choose better, for herself, because returning to those feelings… nothing good was ever going to happen. James had made his decision, and so had she.

"That's a very mature outlook," Smetty said and Lily had almost forgotten he was there.

"I uh sorry… I guess I had been feeling that for a while and it just sort of… came out."

Smetty shot her a smile and she bit the inside of her cheek as his hand slowly reached out to caress her hair. "I'm glad."

"About what?" she said breathlessly.

"That you are starting to move on."

Lily swallowed hard at the way he was looking at her and her heart pounded in fear and hope that he was about to kiss her but he didn't move and instead her hand came up to cup his own that was holding her neck lightly.

"I want to ask you out but I don't want to hear 'no' again."

"I… I don't know if I am ready, it might be too soon and…" she sputtered out.

He looked at her and Lily thought he would finally kiss her but again he didn't move. "I think you're ready," he said with full certainty that only Smetty pulled off that had Lily believing him.

"Okay then."

Smetty smiled a deep satisfied smile that pierced her.

"Okay then."

Lily skipped as she enjoyed the light rays of sunshine peaking through the clouds. The sun was coming out and winter was slowly turning into spring though it still felt very far off with final exams imminent. But she decided to enjoy the slight warmth for what it was.

She had been dating Smetty for almost two months. He was definitely more mature, more well-balanced and confident then anyone she had ever met. He was intelligent, rational and dependable, not to mention good looking. He had an ease to him that made those around him instantly feel assured in his opinions or decisions. There was no doubt in her mind that Smetty would be an excellent Healer.

Was she madly in love? No… but maybe passion wasn't what she needed. She had had that all consuming love affair and look how well that had ended. She could see a content life with Smetty, a stable one. And that was something James had never offered her. For Lily realized that love disappeared so what did she want to be left with?

Lily waved as she saw Sienna standing near the exit of campus. "Hey!"

"Hey," Sienna said taking her elbow as they walked towards the city center to meet the boys. "You're looking chipper today."

"I am," Lily said with a real smile.

And Lily really felt that way. Yes, James broke her. There were some nights when she was alone that she felt the sting of loneliness so acutely she couldn't breath but dating Smetty helped. Having friends, going out, being active all helped, and time eventually eased the sting. What other option did she have? James disappeared, never reached out, and she refused to wallow in her own self-pity, not when so many people were reaching out.

Hogwarts had been so miserable, and she had always yearned for friendship and finally she had it. James was a big part of the reason Hogwarts was so lonely. James had treated Severus horribly, made her a walking target that caused most of the girls to avoid her or not understand why she would not date the James Potter, and then when James had inadvertently ruined her relationship with Severus, he had become her best friend only to take that away when he felt it no longer suited him. And still, she had remained friendless.

Yes, she was in love with James Potter. But James Potter wasn't showing up and she was done waiting around she reminded herself vehemently.

So Lily was going to lunch with her friends with a real smile on her face. When they reached the café, Lily sat next to Smetty and kissed him lightly to the awws of everyone. She rolled her eyes and felt comforted by the arm around her shoulder.

Their relationship was calm. The lust wasn't the same but it existed. His sincerity was attractive and when they slept together she felt how present he was. Smetty would never disappear after sleeping with her and if he ever felt the need to break up with her, he told her himself: "They would discuss it like mature adults."

"What are everyone's plans for tonight?" Samson asked.

"What do you feel like?" Ezra asked.

"With finals about to begin I feel like we need to take this opportunity to rage before we are stuck in the stacks for weeks."

"I'm in," Caleb said.

"Same," Sienna said throwing her hand in. Caleb put his hand on hers and then Ezra and Samson joined. They four of them looked at Smetty and Lily who blushed as his fingers moved down her back.

"I think we'll pass," Smetty said as Lily tried to stop her cheeks from turning a bright red.

"Ugh!" Caleb said slamming his head against the table. "Couples!"

Lily laughed along with everyone else but felt cozy in her spot.

Smetty had long ago fallen asleep but Lily laid awake behind him, looking out her window to watch the stars. Smetty's arm around her waist felt heavy and she tried closing her eyes again to fall asleep but when she did all she saw was James's face after their first kiss and the way his eyes lit up and he had whispered how long he had waited for this, and how she had looked back at him with such yearning.

She forced her eyes open. Smetty grunted in his sleep behind her as she had flinched involuntarily. She decided to get up then, twisting out of his embrace; it wasn't like she was sleeping anyways. So she slipped on her soft, purple dressing gown and slippers, and lightly shut the door as she walked over to the porch and sat on the couch they had set up there. She lightly waved her wand to administer a heating charm and sat snugly observing the sparkling stars.

Lily was moving forward but James didn't disappear into the dark of night, sometimes when she was least in control he would pop into her mind like tonight. There were brief, but foolish moments, when if she closed her eyes hard enough she could feel James behind her instead of Smetty.

It was difficult forgetting true love when it was still alive.

The necklace Smetty had given her for Christmas was burning against her neck, not in discomfort but easing warmth. She had originally taken it off and hidden it alongside the one James had given her. But Smetty had asked her about it one evening so she dug it out of her jewelry box and left it on, ignoring, or trying to ignore the fact that everything about it reminded her of James. Some days it would burn with heat while others with a dull warmth. In the darkest pit of her soul she knew it had something to do with James but she shoved that thought far far down considering it was Smetty who had given her the present. And it was Smetty's arms she was laying in. She had made a decision.

James, after all, hadn't fought for them the way Lily had needed him too. She wasn't unreasonable, she understood somewhere in James's demented brain he believed he had been doing the 'right' thing. But just because he thought it was the right thing didn't make it the right thing, and that was something she could no longer justify for him.

A loud slamming of the front door stirred her from her daydreaming and she heard male laughter and giggling, and Lily smiled wondering which of the guys had followed Sienna home that evening. It was after all almost three o'clock in the morning. She heard clanging of the dishes and Lily opened the porch door intending to join the commotions considering she wasn't sleeping and her daydreams weren't healthy. When she stepped into the living room she gave an abrupt halt to see Sienna kissing a dark haired Sirius against the counter.

Sienna noticed her first and jumped, "Hey! What are you doing up?"

But Lily didn't move or react and stared at Sirius who turned around, his face cautious.

"Lily," Sirius nodded formally.

Lily glared at him, her arms crossed. "What are you doing here?"

"Lily!" Sienna yelped as she stood between the two but they both ignored her.

"It's my girlfriend's apartment," he remarked snidely. "Am I not allowed to visit?"

Lily turned her gaze towards her best friend. "Why didn't you tell me he was coming?"

Sienna stuttered. "I uh I didn't-"

"For Merlin's sake, she didn't know I was bloody coming," Sirius scowled. "And what would you have done? Hidden in your room until I left like every other time?"

"I have nothing to say to you," Lily said and turned to head back to her own room.

"I'm not the one who hurt you, you know? You don't need to be mad at me," Sirius called after her.

She twirled around in heat and glared fiercely at him. "Really? Sirius Black is innocent in all this? Are you telling me James never once mentioned me in the last four months to you? Or even better, you haven't seen him in four months or bothered to send me a letter telling me he is all right? Or convinced telling him to write me a goddamn letter explaining why he left me in the middle of the night after taking everything from me?!"

She was panting, her eyes tearing with the exhaustion and the betrayal of it all. Seeing Sirius, all those pent up emotions boiled out of her. Her feelings had never evaporated and seeing Sirius stand so openly in her kitchen only enraged her. Time had mended her but she hadn't forgotten especially when confronted with it in her kitchen in the middle of the night.

Sirius moved forward but she shoved him away. "No! You don't get to feel innocent here. I know you and James, if anyone could convince him of anything it would be you!"

"Lily," his voice softer, more understanding. "He's stubborn, you know this. He thinks he's right and he isn't listening to anyone or reason."

Lily just stood there, glaring knowing he was right but refusing to let go of her anger. Because she was angry and frustrated! It didn't need to be like this! So she cursed James and Sirius and the bloody war and Voldermort himself. It wasn't fair because she had wanted it so badly, and once more it had exploded in her face. There was not an inch of regret flowing through her body so how could it have ended so horribly?

If only she could have explained, or Sirius could have convinced him… but that thought disappeared instantly because Lily knew that people, in the end, made there own decisions based on their own opinions, and trying to explain otherwise was generally met on deaf ears. Her sister, after all, was Petunia.

"Lily."

The door to her room opened, and all sets of eyes switched to Smetty, who walked out pulling on a white t-shirt. Sirius's eyes turned from sympathetic to livid in two seconds. Lily looked over towards Sirius frantic, the panic spreading throughout her body slow to catch up to what her mind was already thinking. James could never know about Smetty.

She rushed towards Sirius, taking his hands in hers. "Sirius," she said anxiously.

"How could you stand in front of me just now and this was in your bedroom the entire time?" he uttered.

"That's not the point, you can't tell-"

"Lily, what's going on?" Smetty said calmly as he took Lily out of Sirius's grasp and looked down at her.

But her throat closed up and she looked back at Sirius who seemed to read her quickly. "Listen, mate, I need to talk to Lily for a second if you don't mind."

Smetty looked over at Sirius Black, his gaze flashing over him before looking down at Lily's distressed eyes. "I'll go home."

He let go of Lily and walked back towards her room and Lily looked at Sirius. "Don't move."

"Wouldn't dream of it," he said as she rushed after Smetty.

She closed the door behind her and watched as he dressed.

"It's not what you think," she finally said.

He paused for a second, and glanced at her, his face thoughtful. "Then tell me what to think."

Lily would always be staggered at his maturity, leaving her feel off center and like a complete child.

"I just, I don't want him to tell James about us."

Smetty pulled on his shoes and got up. "Why not?"

"James is… he's in this position right now… I can't really explain but-"

"He's in the Order of Phoenix."

Lily's mouth opened. "How, how do you know about that? Are you-"

"No, I'm not a member but sometimes they need to be patched up so I help out. And before you go thinking, no, I've never seen James in the field and if I had I would have told you."

"I thought it was a secret society…"

Smetty sighed as he walked towards her and put his arms around her waist. "It is but its complicated," he kissed her lightly and looked down at her. "Lily, do what you need to do but just know that I'm here, and I'm not going to disappear."

"I know," Lily responded looking deeply into his eyes hoping she could give him some of the same gusto she ever gave James.

"Okay," he said and kissed her cheek. "Talk to me tomorrow morning?"

She nodded as he Apparated from her arms. She looked at the blank space and took a deep breath before walking out to face Sirius. He was talking to Sienna, laughing at something she said but standing in the same exact place she had left him and she couldn't smiling. Sirius Black was definitely loyal, there was no denying that.

"Sirius," she said to get his attention.

"Evans," he said, his regular demeanor returning and Lily found comfort in something so simple. "Let's talk, yeah?"

She nodded and they walked towards her room, but she looked back at Sienna. "You don't mind?"

"Y'all go ahead," she said swishing them away.

Lily led them into her room and they sat on her bed and Lily sighed at the hilarity of it because this was not the Marauder she ever imagined gracing her bedroom.

"What are you laughing about?" Sirius asked her with raised eyebrows.

Lily sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "It's just… it so doesn't need to be like this and James, he made it so complicated."

"James, will always be the smartest person in the room and he knows it," Sirius said, looking at her intently. "So when he makes a decision he is so convinced of it, there's no explaining otherwise to him. And with you… Lily, he's scared shitless that something could happen to you. You're all he thinks about."

Lily felt her doe burn in that exact moment and she looked at Sirius. "Just don't tell him about Smetty, okay?"

"I won't, Lils but it will kill him when he does find out because he's going to convince himself eventually to come and find you, it's only a matter of time."

"He made his choice, Sirius. I think the wrong one but he didn't even let me have a say in it and what was I supposed to do? I can't keep waiting around for someone who… he just left me, Sirius. You saw… and it hurt, it still does."

"This thing with Smethwyck is serious?"

Lily bit her lip and nodded. "It's not not serious."

"And James?"

"I love him," Lily said helplessly and shrugged her shoulders. "But he disappeared and I was so sad."

"I heard."

"I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if James was ever coming back and I woke up one day and decided I can't choose misery for myself, I can't keep hoping when I know how this ends."

Sirius looked thoughtful and nodded. "I think he hoped you would wait for him."

"But he didn't tell me that, did he? I can't read his mind."

Sirius hugged her in that moment and she enjoyed the few seconds of the smell of woods filling her nostrils. "I've been wondering something."

Sirius looked at her with mock suspicion. "What have you been up too, Evans?"

"Nothing like that…" she started. "Did you tell Sienna about the Order of Phoenix?"

Sirius stilled, and Lily already knew her answer before he said anything. "No, and I would appreciate it if you didn't say anything."

"Why not?"

Sirius let her go and huffed. "It's better this way."

"The same way that James left me?" Lily demanded. "She has a right to know what her boyfriend is doing after dark, don't you think?"

"Lily, it's complicated and I don't want her to worry."

She paused and took in Sirius's words, and swallowed. "So there is reason to worry?"

He groaned as he got up and looked around the room. "What do you want, Lily?"

"I just want the truth! If not from James then at least from you, don't you think I deserve it, Sienna too?" Lily got up and stared at Sirius. "You told me once that I was your friend."

"You are!"

"Then I want to know what's going on! I can feel that something isn't right, the war, the news, the weather. I'm worried all the time. I just need to know that he is fine and safe. That you are too… that's all I want."

Sirius seemed to give up as he once more sunk to Lily's bed and put his head between his hands. "Look, Lily, it's just not my place. I know… I know James isn't here and he disappeared but he needs to be the one to tell you."

Lily sunk next to Sirius and leaned her head against his shoulder. This entire situation was fucked up.

"Does… does he ask about me at least?"

Sirius snorted. "I'm not joking, Lily, he thinks of nothing else. Every time I come back from visiting Sienna- he never outright asks but I know and he knows that I know what he wants."

"Well, I still think you should tell Sienna," Lily said defiantly, not letting Sirius words have a deep warming affect on her. It was terribly difficult.

The visit from Sirius stabilized and destabilized Lily. She concealed it well but in some pointed moments she couldn't escape the huge grin gracing her face at the idea that in that very same moment she was thinking about James, he would possibly be thinking about her too. Yet, with all the new information from Sirius it only complicated her feelings for Smetty. They remained together and though she gave Smetty a brief synopsis of their conversation, she kept hidden the most significant factor.

"I just wish exams were over," Lily complained as she banged her head against the textbook.

The boys laughed but Lily honestly felt like she was suffocating from the amount of exams she had. She had already completed two but still had another four, and two of them seemed like they crunched up all the light at the end of every tunnel.

"What should we do after exams?" Smetty asked Lily as she picked her head up to look at him.

"We should all take a trip to somewhere warm, maybe Croatia!" Ezra butted in.

"Yes!" Caleb chimed.

"I wasn't asking you," Smetty said dryly.

"Actually, Croatia sounds amazing," Lily said.

And just as suddenly an eagle Patronus burst into the room.

Everyone stared in awe as it said: "Hippocrates Smethwyck, this is an Order 4. You are requested to report to immediate duty. Please arrive in your reserve uniform at base Sphinx."

The Patronus disappeared and in came another for a different student. "Jacob Tolstoy, this is an Order 4. You are requested to report to immediate duty. Please arrive in your reserve uniform at base Chimaera."

Lily watched fascinated as student after student was called upon to report to their reserve duty, with them right away collecting their belongings and Apparating.

Lily looked over at Smetty who was preparing his bag. "Lily," he said gently.

"What's an Order 4? What's going on?" she said as he took her in his arms and hugged her.

"Just stay safe, okay? If you need me just send an Owl to my base. Samson explain," he kissed her then and though Lily had doubts she kissed him back with everything she could possibly give him.

He hugged her one last time and disappeared from her arms. She twisted around and looked at the boys who hadn't received a Patronus. "What was that?"

Caleb watched as everyone was frantically starting to send owls and speed through the Muggle radio for the Wizarding station. "A war must have broken out?"

"What?" Lily said urgently. "Wait, Samson," Lily said going over to him and grabbing him by the shoulders. "What's an Order 4, what just happened?"

"Smetty just got called up for reserves," Caleb said, looking back and forth from Ezra and Samson, apparently just as confused as they were. "Order 4 means…"

"Order 4 means immediate return. Like the operation begins tomorrow or tonight," Samson filled in.

Lily's panicked eyes met Sienna's whose own eyes matched hers because even though a minute ago she had been sitting with her boyfriend, her heart was pounding for James. And for the first time, her necklace wasn't burning.

The radio was finally working and throughout the room a dark voice filled the alarmed air.

"Today, the Ministry of Magic declared Operation Protective Green in light of recent open attacks on Muggles by the rebellion of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named and his Death Eaters," the anchor proclaimed. "In the early morning, the Auror's attacked Death Eater homes in Great Britain, Northern Ireland, Ireland and Scotland. They took possession of any dark magic and weapons found and arrested any known suspects and associates. Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Bartemius Crouch, defended the operation as necessary and the Wizarding world will not stop until a cease fire is reached stating threats of attacks from the Dark Forces will discontinue."

Lily stood motionless as she gaped at the radio in front of her and became deaf to the loud whispering in the background. She could feel Sienna behind her, breathing unsurely.

"Its been reported that the strike against the Dark Rebellion is not without cause, and the rebellion was prepared to invade the Ministry of Magic. Auror forces had been on alert for three weeks, but could not remain mobilized for an indefinite period of time. Apparently, the Ministry of Magic resources had been cut off because of infiltrators and the use of the Imperius Curse. Additionally, the Dark Lord's objective has been the toppling of the current Ministry of Magic and creating a new world order run by pure-bloods with Muggles kept in bondage and He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named as the ruler.

"It has been known since He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named has declared himself the Dark Lord in 1970 that him and his rebellion refuse to coexist peacefully with the Wizarding world. Tensions had been heightened since the start of open attacks targeting Muggle-born and 'blood traitors' witches and wizards as well, the torturing and sometimes killing of these victims to those crimes.

"It's also become apparent that the Giants have allied with the Dark Forces. People around the Wizarding world are shocked by the events and this is the first time the British Ministry of Magic has struck openly against He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named rebellion. Folks," the radio announcer said, sounding earnest and Lily had to stop herself from touching the radio. "No matter what has happened, this has changed the face of the Wizarding world. We are witnessing history.

"We will report further when we gain more information."

TBC

[evansnjames]

No Headlights in Paradise (6/13)

Chapter Six - Forever Lasted Seconds

Summary: Timing wasn’t right. Love decided they didn’t belong. Memories are magic. So they slipped. Into a dark paradise… Follow the story of James & Lily through Hogwarts to the Order of Phoenix where time is their looming adversary.

Song Choice: XO by Beyoncé

You can read it from the start at ff.net!

+++

Lily, James, Sienna and Sirius spent a somewhat embarrassing if not cheerful Christmas at the Potter's considering Fleamont and Europhria had no qualms making the foursome squirm as much as possible regarding their previous night drunken activities.

"The four of you just happened to disappear, all at once," Mr. Potter remarked dryly as the large, honey ham was floated onto the table. He waved his wand once that caused the ham to start carving itself. "Then you stumble down here disorganized. I remember what the year after Hogwarts was like, don't you, my love?"

Europhria eyes widened at his pronouncement and shot him her withering look. "Fleamont!"

"What? To think they are trying to convince me that Sirius and James slept in one room and the girls in the other. Do they think I'm deaf?"

Sirius let out a bark of laughter but Lily's cheeks turned as bright as her hair in mortification. When James moved to provide a semblance of comfort, she scrambled away to avoid looking at the very obvious hickey she had left on his neck.

"Fleamont, don't embarrass the children. Poor Lily's eyes are about to fall out of her sockets," Mrs. Potter chastised. "Oh, but James dear, you have a leftover branch in your hair."

James groaned at the humiliation and scoffed at Sirius's snigger and was about to smack his friend's head when his mother pointed at Sirius. "Oh, and Sirius love, you have scratches up and down your arms, maybe you should put dittany on them."

And on it went, much like that for the rest of the day (and most of the holiday). And even with the comments and the jest and pointing out the hickey, being in the presence with James and his family was more than Lily could have ever wished for. She was bubbly with embarrassment but even more overwhelmed with happiness. She had never felt so content, so utterly blissful staring at James over their Christmas breakfast and later Christmas lunch, especially when he would take her hand under the table. This was what people meant, she finally understood; from all the books she read and the way people talked… She was sure this was the inexpiable feeling of true love. And the way she was acting, this was what it did to a person. The passion brimming, the obsession, all-consuming need. She was convinced.

To some extent, Lily was vastly aware her and James had only been official for two days but she couldn't erase the mindset that she had been waiting for this sensation since Fifth Year. As if her body, her heart, mind and soul had been waiting since she was born to be this exuberant. It wasn't normal, but then again, love wasn't supposed to be.

Sure, she and James had much to talk about. His statements from last night. The future. But Lily knew better than anyone that sometimes things were better left unrushed. She was going to enjoy the moment she had been yearning for so long. And no one, not her doubts, or her worries, or her longing for the crystal ball would interfere.

+++

Though James's parents took the mickey out James to levels that fully explained to Lily where James received his healthy sense of humor, at the same time they seemed to give their inherent approval of the blooming relationship. Mrs. Potter had given her a hand crafted, cashmere scarf for the holiday.

"Wow, thank you, Mrs. Potter. This is so perfect," Lily whispered as she tangled the willowing material around her neck that cascaded down her neck.

"Lily dear, call me Euphoria. At this point it's only appropriate," she said with knowing eyes as her gaze fell onto the boys hovered over the new Quidditch set Fleamont had bought James and Sirius. Her gaze returned to Lily who was looking at her with hopeful eyes.

"Okay, Euphoria," she said softly.

As the darkness descended, and Lily unfolded the blankets on James's bed, James came up behind Lily and hugged her to him. She reveled in the feeling before she looked up at him and smiled as he brushed a kiss against her neck.

"James," she murmured alluringly. "This has been the best Christmas."

"It's not over yet," he whispered against her soft skin. She glanced at him in confusion as he kissed her nose and led her towards the door. "We're going back downstairs. I have a surprise."

"But everyone is sleeping," she giggled quietly as she followed James down the hallway towards the staircase.

"That's the point, Evans," he uttered matter of fact as they came upon the large, warm Christmas tree that was twinkling in the firelight. Even though she had been surrounded by the tree all day, she couldn't escape the encompassing beauty as the light fairies remained and the tree glowed against the backdrop.

The stillness of the night was enchanting, and when Lily gazed up at James who had wrapped his arms around her back she knew what it meant to be wonderstruck by an experience.

James kept her wrapped tight against his body as they stared upon the dazzlingly tree. He nuzzled her neck lightly, leaving a light kiss. "I want to make love to you under the tree."

She held back a smile as she continued to stare into the tree. "A bit indecent, don't you think?"

"Maybe," he breathed against her neck before spinning her around, bending over and kissing her. They kissed longingly in the shadow of the lights as they held each other. The kiss grew in intensity, fulfilling their burning desire that didn't evaporate no matter that they had spent the entire night before together or that long afternoon in bed together. It didn't matter, Lily acknowledged, as she hypnotically clung to him. The tangible feelings, the sensation, she would never have enough and no one would be bale to replicate, she was sure of it.

Lily moaned in complaint as James released her, her eyes mock glaring. She planted small kisses on his collarbone, unbuttoning his shirt slowly as he looked down at her with slight amusement. As each patch of skin was revealed, Lily left open mouth, hot kisses that had James biting his hands into her hips.

"Lily," he whispered against her lips as he leaned back to look at her face, "I need to cast the silencing charm."

She couldn't help but smile as she wrapped her arms around him and rocking her body against his, "Nothing is stopping you."

Bending down, he kissed her deeply as if he couldn't have enough before releasing her with a harsh gasp. "You're such a vixen. I can't stop kissing you."

He let go and quickly grabbed his wand to cast the charm before looking back to her standing there in the middle of the room.

When she lifted her lips for another kiss he adhered ardently, slipping his tongue into her mouth. The kiss grew steadily deeper, slower, demonstrating his want, his need. James made a low sound of pleasure and pulled her nightgown over her head leaving her bare. He looked her up and down, cupping her breast slowly in his hand, her nipple tightening at his strokes.

"I've never wanted anything the way I need you," he told, pulling her to the ground and removing the rest of his clothes.

With the ache of growing desire, Lily dipped her hand lower and found his hard erection. "I need you so much, James," she whispered as she stroked him in the darkness. She scrapped at the skin between his neck, and he let out a harsh groan as he kissed her brazenly.

"More," she demanded with a soft, breathy sigh as the tips of her breasts brushed his chest.

His erection nudged between the slick wetness between her legs, sliding inside her as her breath caught between her throat with him pushing forward. She moved her hands up and down his tense body, and Lily distinctly realized that for whatever reason James was determined to take it slowly.

With another thrust, he sank further into to her wet, wet heat as she arched back to feel him more inside of her. She could feel her own liquid against his thigh as she lifted her legs higher around his body. James groaned as he buried himself deeper, sucking at her neck as she clenched around him, and the heated pleasure vibrated throughout both of them.

As he moved above her, Lily uttered soft sounds of pleasure, rocking against his hips to meet his bewitching rhythm. His hands felt everywhere as he teased with firm twists and gentle tugs, moving slowly down to grip her bottom, thrusting harder as any control seemed to slip from his grasp.

"You're mine, Lily," James rang coarsely as her climax fast approached, dragging her forward and thrusting harder with each groan. James sat back on his knees and grabbed her hips in tight shallow thrusts, his lack of control captivating as she braced her at her sides. Hearing his rasps of pleasures reminded her that James's neediness for her met her own, leaving her with the heady knowledge that only they shared these moments.

His hand moved downward and touched her now swollen clit leaving unbridled lust to sweep through her. She cried out and exploded as he continued to thrust, riding out her climax that only helped build another. With one final, powerful thrust, James braced his feet and plunged into her as she met his hips, climaxing in satisfied moans. He dropped his head behind him before collapsing beside her.

"That was amazing," she whispered into his sweaty shoulder as she turned to face him.

He took her hand in his own, playing with her fingers. "I do my best."

She laughed as he at her with happy, content eyes. "For now anyways."

He shook his head and with serious eyes, "For always."

With those words thumping against her chest, she kissed him again and refused to imagine anything that could tear them apart. Not even Merlin himself would have been able to pull Lily out that moment.

+++

The days that followed were a mix of laughter, picnics, snow fights, old jokes with old friends and romantic strolls in the Christmas lights surrounding London. Lily and James predictably were heavily enraptured in themselves with gags about their over exaggerated public affection, which had very little impact on stopping the two from their excessive amounts of public display of affection. James couldn't keep his hands to himself and Lily was a happy complier to his inappropriate touches in public or otherwise.

Twice they had already been comprised: a few days after Christmas they had been invited to a small shindig with a few Hogwarts alumni (that Lily noted consisted almost entirely of the alumni she had met at James's Christmas party). Lily had worn a thin fabric, short halter style dress, and even though she was wearing stockings, James couldn't stop staring at her legs, especially when she put on heels. James had pulled her away claiming important business that really was 'come with me to the bathroom so I can shag you'. No one had been fooled so that when Fabian barged into the bathroom claiming he thought James was choking Lily to death with all that noise, James was actually cupping her bare breasts and Lily had her hands down his pants to her own utter, utter humiliation and James's serious amusement. He kindly told Fabian to take a hike so he could finish business. He tried, but Lily had firmly remained red for the rest of the night.

The second was the preplanned New Years Day brunch. After the drunk shenanigans of the night before, James's gang met up at Diagon's Alley but when James and Lily didn't show up (Lily and James finding each other's naked bodies much more interesting that morning) the gang Appareted into their room mid thrust causing Lily to shriek so loud James had remained deaf for over an hour.

A few days after New Years, Lily took James to her old neighborhood to show him her old house and where she grew up. As they held hands down the street and walked down her old road, Lily remembered nostalgically Petunia and the park they used to play at and later the same park her and Severus would meet at when they would come home from the holidays. She told James as much as he silently strolled beside her.

"Do you miss them? Your parents, I mean," James asked as looked into the old windows of her home. The one she hadn't to since her parents died.

"All the time, like I miss talking to my mom when things get complicated or just getting advice from my dad," Lily whispered, her voice breaking towards the end that had James pulling her closer into his arms and kissing the top of her head. "But sometimes it gets easier, mostly I think I just forget."

"And Petunia?"

Lily gave him a sardonic look and stuck her tongue out at him. "That's just… that is what it is. I can throw as much logic as I want at her but she has her point of view and I can't break through that. I don't even want to try anymore."

"Yeah?" James velvety soft voice floated through in the cold air and Lily felt the comfort he provided her to her very core.

"My only regret is I feel my parents would be truly upset knowing we aren't close but then again we weren't very close before they died anyway. But I think they always hoped," Lily said with a shrug of her shoulders. "I think I've had enough."

James led her forward and Lily followed him. She took one more look, and continued forward. "And Snape?"

Lily hesitated as she looked up at James face that revealed nothing. "Does it make you uncomfortable?"

He turned to face her and looked down at her reddened cheeks from the cold breeze. "What?"

"That I used to be friends with Severus?"

James paused, contemplating before brushing a lose strand behind her ear. "I'm never going to like the idea but I'm not going to hold you accountable for being friends with him when you were younger. And you should give yourself a bit more credit, once you realized the darkness in him wasn't going anywhere you stopped being friends with him."

Lily nodded and let her hands drop to clutch his own. He twined their hands together. "Sometimes I feel like I should have tried harder… like, maybe if I hadn't abandoned him he could have turned out… better?"

James squeezed her hand. "Lily, you instinctively want to help anyone, it's in your nature. But you can't help someone who won't help himself. Snape can only change if he really wanted it for himself. He can't do it for you or because of you."

"I guess you're right… I just can't help thinking if I had just tried differently," Lily shrugged as they resumed walking against the empty street. "It's a bit odd to think that one day we could meet again, but only through battle. That how could two people who had once been best friends end up enemies because of ideology? I've been thinking about that a lot lately."

"Snape was born into his ideology and chose his path. You too."

"Isn't it fascinating," Lily started. "How two people who are friends, were friends, potentially could be friends but all that friendship however it is is behind them because of a philosophy. Like the Wizarding world is fighting a war, and how this war divides people based on belief."

"Their belief is inherently wrong. Their goal is to remove people like you from society. That makes this war more than necessary, but detrimental to our kind."

She looked over at him and smiled at how strongly he stood his stance, like a true warrior. "Of course, James… I just wonder, how do we end it?"

"By fighting them."

"Right, but what happens after we are done fighting. Then what? We can't remove everyone who believes that from society can we? These people are our neighbors. I mean, even if we remove a good majority of them we can't remove them all, and we can't remove the ideology. It might just stem somewhere else tomorrow, or the same night, and the ideology could become an even more radical notion than what exists today."

"Lily…"

She looked over at James and laughed at his wariness at her comments. "I'm just saying that the tools of our enemies, the spells, the ideology are variables. It's not dependent on us, really, at the end of the day. I wonder what happens afterwards. Like what the Ministry plans to do with all these interchanging ideas to, well, suppress their knowledge…"

"I thought you were studying medicine," James joked looking down at her.

Lily bit her lip. "I am… but this fascinates. I think about it because of Severus… I think about it because of you…" she said with her luminous eyes. "I think about the hope, if there is any for the future. Sometimes I look ahead and all I see is darkness. It's like love isn't enough here."

"Did you love him, Severus that is?"

Lily looked over at James and controlled her inner smile as James raised his hand to his hair and struggled to remain neutral. "I loved him as a friend definitely. I might have loved him more, I don't know but then again his way was different then mine even then."

He looked over at her curiously, his hand ceased moving at the top of his head. "What do you mean?"

"Almost like… well, I always knew we had a different compass. Not even a moral compass. Just compass. He was never generous, never reliable. I didn't feel secure or safe when I was with him. And all those things, I eventually understood, was what I yearned for," Lily said looking up at James with open eyes, "and I didn't truly comprehend that until, well, we became such good friends Seventh Year because I started feeling that with you. We made each other stronger, better and I knew that's what I wanted out of a relationship. Severus was so busy always thinking about what he wasn't, and that alone would never have made us a capable match."

James stopped and looked down at her, holding her close to him. "Lily… I'm-"

"I know," she hushed as she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him softly. She cupped his cheeks and stared into his concerned hazel eyes. "I know."

He held onto her for a moment, looking deep into her eyes. For a split moment she was sure he would finally say he loved her but the hesitation in his eyes lasted too long and he broke off and they once more began walking. The cold feeling more bitter now, Lily thought.

"That politics stuff you were talking about before…" James began unsurely. "Where… I mean, exactly, who or well-"

Lily looked over at him and bit her lip, unsure how she wanted to explain this to James. "Sirius told you about Smetty?"

James glanced over at her and took a deep breath. "That's his name?"

Lily shrugged with one shoulder. "Yeah… his nickname, anyways."

"Did you two- go out?" James rushed out and if Lily hadn't been so uncomfortable with the conversation she might have thought his reaction was adorable. He was, after all, trying so hard.

"No."

"Oh… That's good." Lily gave him a soft smile but didn't add anything further. "Did you want to go out with him?"

She stopped and looked up at James and kissed his chapped lips briefly before continuing onwards. "You were gone and for all I knew that moment at Hogwarts was the end of it. I moved on and maybe I would have gone out with him after Christmas."

"When Sirius told me about him I decided I was going to find you."

Lily snapped her hair to look at him with accusing eyes. "So our meeting in Diagon Alley?"

James laughed. "Was an accident. But I would have sought you out anyways, at least to talk to you. I was gutted at the idea of you with someone else. It was all I could think about for days. I wrote you a million letters but I was told anything I had to say should be said in person, that I wasn't very articulate in the word format."

Lily chuckled. "What if Smetty and me had been together?"

James gave her a guilty smile. "I can't say it would have stopped me," he paused before giving a hard look to the open road. "We belong together and I knew you knew that before I got around to it. I was scared that if we didn't try at least once you would forget about me and we would never have our chance at all. And that was something I would never forgive myself for."

His sweet but raw words soaked through as she stared at him awestruck, James's feeling never so obviously put on the table. She bubbled with the knowledge and hugged him to her.

"I never forgot, James. I never will."

She felt him nod atop her head and they stood hugging in the middle of road for a long moment.

"We have to stop stopping or we will never get to the town center," Lily laughed as they once more made their way.

They walked in silence for a few moments and Lily could feel James's sweaty hand. "There's a Quidditch match tomorrow," James finally said into the quiet, "Me and the boys have been planning to go ages."

"Oh," she muttered. "Can't those last for days?"

He nodded mutely, and Lily tried not to pout into the icy weather at the idea of losing valuable time with him when they had so little of it.

"Right, well… I hope you have a good time," she finally said through a fake smile. "It will probably be nice, spending time the guys. They've probably been feeling neglected a bit."

"Lily," James said in a smooth smile as he caused both of them to stop in their stance. "You really think I'm going to go off for days without you? I wrangled two extra tickets for you and Sienna."

Lily's eyes brightened immediately as she hit him on the shoulder. "That wasn't funny!"

He grinned. "Hey! I thought you would have better faith in me than that." But by then Lily jumped into his arms and wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him hopelessly. "We stopped again."

James stared memorized up at her as he clutched her. "Did we?"

"Yeah," Lily said with a proud smile. "I've never been to a Quidditch match before, you know. Not outside of Hogwarts, this is going to be so exciting!"

"You've never been to an official match before?"

"You knew that, silly," Lily laughed as she jumped out of his arms and raced forward. She looked back at James still standing there and rolled her eyes. "Are you going to catch up?"

He shook his head at her antics as he strode forward and caught her in his arms, swinging her around into the stale snowy atmosphere and Lily didn't feel the bitter cold any longer.

+++

"I'm just so happy!" Lily proclaimed as she danced with Sienna the next afternoon in their unused rented flat as they packed for the Quidditch game. "When I'm not with him, I'm thinking about him, and when I'm not thinking about him, I'm talking about him. I've just… it's almost stupid how fast this is happening and it's like a rational part in my brain is like 'Lily, brakes!' but… I'm just so happy!"

Sienna grinned at her unabashed. "I know the feeling."

Lily folded a large, golden sweater and black jeans as she glanced over at Sienna. "How is that going?"

"Amazing, actually, amazing. He's just so… I never thought I would meet someone like him. So rash but so…"

"I totally get it," Lily said.

With a loud knock at the door, Lily flew forward and opened the door to find James and Sirius standing behind it with their mischievous smiles. Sirius walked past Lily as James pulled her into his arms and kissed her as if it hadn't been only two hours since they had last been in each other's arms.

"Hi," she smiled happily as she leaned back.

"Hi yourself," James said as he bent down for another kiss and would have stayed their much longer if Sirius hadn't interrupted them.

"Okay love birds, time out. We need to get going or Peter will have a nervous breakdown if we don't show up."

Lily laughed as James took her hand and pulled the bag with their tent over his shoulder. Lily couldn't help admiring her rugged man. He was so handsome, she thought as she twirled a piece of her hair around her finger and ignored Sirius and Sienna as they gave her knowing looks.

The foursome Apparted together to the campsite in Eastern England where an eager Peter and Remus were already waiting. Lily hugged them both as they made their way to their slotted outposts were James had made the reservation. As they walked, the boys ran into one person and then another and then another of which they knew leaving Lily and Sienna to stroll along happily behind them as they took in the outstanding sights of an official Qudditch match.

"This is crazy, I've never seen anything like it. Not even official Qudopot gets this crazy I think…" Sienna uttered to Lily in her ear and Lily giggled in response. "Secret?"

"Yeah," Lily answered.

"I don't think I've ever seen a real Qudditch game before…"

The two girls giggled as they walked right into Sirius's abrupt halt. He turned around and looked at her with astonishment. "What did you say?"

Sienna laughed at his reaction and flicked her hair over her shoulders without shame. "You heard me, Black."

"Don't you have Quidditch over there in the colonies? I knew there had to be something wrong with you," he lampooned as he knocked against her head.

"We refined Americans prefer the more hands on Qudopot," Sienna playfully at Sirius. "Too tell you the truth I don't even know who is playing," she said to groaned responses from all the boys.

"Lily, please tell me you know who is playing," James begged as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Sorry," she said adorably as James groaned and buried his face into her neck.

"Who would have thought a girlfriend of Sirius Black's would never have been to a Quidditch game before," Peter joked.

"She's not my girlfriend," Sirius scoffed absentmindedly.

Sienna's playful eyes vanished. "What?"

It seemed Sirius realized his absent-minded words instantly and wanted to retract quickly. He reached out for her but she shoved his hand away. "I didn't mean-"

"Seemed pretty clear to me," Sienna retorted, cutting him off and moving physically away from him. "So what exactly do you think of me if not your girlfriend? You're side piece?"

Sirius's shoulders locked, clearly unprepared for this sharp turn. Also for an obvious conservation he hadn't thought too much about. "Sienna, let's talk about this not here, in private."

"It's a pretty simple question I think."

"Sienna," Sirius said moving towards her but she sniffed before turning and marching away. "Sienna! You don't even know where you are going," Sirius yelled following as he tried grabbing her elbow.

She pushed him away. "Don't touch me."

"Sienna!" Sirius said, his voice shifting to anger as Sienna twisted around and glared at him. "Don't be stupid."

"Stupid!" She seethed. "Stupid! You're right. I am stupid for thinking this was more than what it was. What kind of girl do you think I am? A girl who sleeps with random boys because I'm easy? No, that's not me at all! But, hey, thanks for changing that."

He paused at her words, his anger evaporating. "Sienna…"

"Just stop. Let's just go to the campsite."

The group looked at Sirius and Sienna then each other with James taking initiative and leading the way forward, Sirius by his side. Lily observed as they immediately began talking in hushed silence without glancing backwards. She turned to Sienna and wrapped her hand around hers shoulders and followed the awkward silence. Lily saw Sienna's misty eyes, and she pulled her closer as the group continued to walk.

"Here we are," James said as they walked to the middle of a crowded area with three empty slots.

"Why are there three slots?" Peter asked indigently as he looked over at his three friends. "I thought it was going to be the four of us in a tent, the girls in the other."

James laughed as he moved towards Lily and pulled her into his arms. "My friend, when you have a beautiful lady friend the way me and Sirius do you won't be asking stupid questions like why we won't be sharing tents."

"That's what you think of me?" Lily asked with a calm smile, "a 'lady friend'?"

James mocked glared down at her and flicked her nose. "Don't be snarky, Evans."

"Or what?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," he murmured seductively.

"Build the tent and we can discuss all about it," she said with a slight poke towards the three separate bags. He gave her one last lusty smile before looking down at the tent Sirius opened and dropped with all the contents rolling onto the grass.

"Don't worry, Peter," Sienna said as she wrapped her jacket more closely around herself and sat on the hard ground. "You'll be sharing a tent with Sirius no problem."

Sirius groaned in frustration at her statement and went to building the tent with the other three Marauders as Lily and Sienna watched on drinking hot butterbeer they had purchased.

As the boys got busy, Lily turned to her friend who was glaring at her bottle. "Sienna…"

"I know."

"I agree with you, completely. But don't… just don't sell him short just yet."

She continued to glower. "I just feel so stupid, is all. Like I should have known better then to get invested in Sirius Black."

"And don't sell yourself short either," Lily said firmly.

She shrugged vulnerably. "I can't help it."

The tiny words coming from her larger than life friend had Lily pulling her close and hugging her. Sirius looked over at them at the same moment and Lily looked at him with raised eyebrows in which he just shook his head helplessly in response; Sienna purposefully looked away.

But watching them struggle to put the tent together, Muggle style, was quite amusing and seemed to cheer Sienna up who continued to remain surely. It had taken them at least twenty minutes to build one side of one of the tents.

"You know, Lily" Sienna said loud enough for the boys to hear but in a tone to remind them they weren't invited in her conversation. "I used to go camping every summer with my family since I can remember."

The four boys stopped all their action and turned to blonde.

"What?" James demanded with narrowed eyes.

She shrugged innocently. "No one asked."

"I'm asking," James declared as he handed her a metal rod. She got up, wiping off the dust from her pants and built the first tent in five minutes. The second one in less and the third one all in sixteen minutes combined.

"Easy peasy," she said with a smug smirk directed at Sirius who scowled at her.

"Okay, I've had enough. Get in," Sirius ordered, pointing to the opening of their tent.

"I'm not getting into any tent with you. I'm not your girlfriend, remember? I don't get into tents with random dudes."

Sirius scowl turned ferocious, as he took deep breath. "Get. In."

"No," she said standing defiantly. "You aren't going to shag me out of this. You and your perfect body can go have a wank all by itself."

Sirius seemed to bite his lip so hard that Lily was sure it would begin bleeding before he released it. She almost wanted to laugh at the scenario but stood still as Sirius walked fiercely towards his none girlfriend and kissed her passionately in front of everyone.

"Get in," he breathed into her mouth when he released her.

And Sienna, breathless as ever, followed his order, looking back at him in annoyance when he patted her bum lightly.

+++

It seemed the drama from earlier past considering the affection between the two was grossly unstoppable. However, whatever they had resolved seemed to have worked. As the group walked towards the game, their faces remained glued together and Lily couldn't help sniggering at Sirius who didn't look so tough now.

"There cute," Lily said to James right before the game begun, his hand slung around her shoulders.

"Whatever you want to call it."

She looked up at her own… well she wasn't quite so sure herself. She knew to some extent she had avoided the subject, and she assumed he was doing much of the same. Lily was insecure enough to admit that part of the reason she avoided the topic was his fierce opposition the first time it had been mentioned. So Lily watched her words, talked in broad, general sentiments in which he did the same. It was easier she decided. And… to some extent, his words, his touches and his actions spoke for something. So she decided to focus on that more then any words he could throw at her.

Instead, she enjoyed the game and smiled contently as James explained everything she didn't understand sweetly into her ear or the way his hand remained high on her thigh leaving her tingling and wishing the game was over.

But the game was far from over, and three and half hours in Lily felt herself fading and decided it was a losing battle.

"James," she murmured into his ear and he flicked down to look at her, she felt her heart rate accelerate. His attention so swiftly shifting to her leaving him mesmerized in his gaze.

"Evans?"

"I'm getting tired, do you mind if I head in?" she whispered, moving her hand up his chest. He took it warmly into his own, kissing her palm.

"It's getting dark, I'll walk you."

"I don't want you to miss any of the game," she said in a hushed voice.

He stood up, pulling her with him. "I'd rather be with you anyways."

Lily smiled warmly up at him, thrilled by the look in his eyes, her veins vibrating with its meaning, because she knew he loved her, that he wanted to be just with her. They stood to leave but Sienna glanced over and jumped up.

"Are y'all leaving?"

Lily nodded, too comforted by James arm around her to open her voice.

"I'll come with," she said trying to quickly pushing them out of the box before Sirius noticed she was gone (which seemed hard considering he was staring at the pitch as serious as his name). "I'm so bored."

James let out a bark of laughter that caught Sirius's attention. "You leaving?" he demanded.

"It's cold and late," Sienna said with a squinty smile. "Me and Lily were just making our way." She grabbed Lily out of James's embrace that had Lily whining as James slipped from her arms.

"The game isn't over yet," Sirius exclaimed and Sienna smiled saccharinely.

"Well then hope it ends quickly because I'll be waiting for you in the tent."

With that, she left with Lily, the other occupants of the box laughing at their wake. Lily pouted as she followed the steps of her friends before she heard the deep voice of James calling out for her.

"Lily," he said grabbing her arm and turning her into his embrace, where she belonged.

"Yeah," she breathed.

But he didn't say more and dropped his head to kiss her amorously, wrapping his hands around her body and pulling her closer where she felt his heavy body against her lithe one. And Lily lost herself, forgetting she was cold and tired and bored, the loud sounds vanishing and all that was left was he and she. As he slowly pulled away, the wetness from his lips staying with her, she stared up at him in wonder as the gentle touch of his body consumed her.

"Wait for me, yeah?" he whispered silkily against her parted lips.

She nodded dumbly as she watched him walk back into the box, and probably would have stayed standing there if Sienna hadn't shaken her.

"Where you guys having a moment? Did I interrupt a moment? Please tell me I didn't interrupt a sexy moment?"

"You interrupted a moment," Lily said as she finally turned in the direction of the campsite.

Sienna groaned as they started making their way. "Ugh, I'm so dumb. Why didn't you say anything?"

Lily laughed and tucked her elbow with Sienna's. "It's okay, we will have our moment later I'm sure."

Sienna laughed deeply at that and turned one more glance at the arena. "It's amazing isn't it? All that magic?"

Lily glazed at the glittering lights, lights by magic and nodded. "I used to fall asleep some nights at Hogwarts astounded as if one day my headmistress would come into my dorm and tell me they made a massive mistake."

"And now?"

Lily quietly contemplated the question before stating her truth. "This is where I am meant to be."

"I get that," Sienna said. "When I was home for summer I felt like I had nothing in common with my family anymore. It's like, I still love them obviously but when Jack took me to a college party it was like I didn't know how to speak the language and their culture was different. They talked politics and movies and I didn't have anything to say because I didn't know anything. It's like both of us have wars, right? But ours are different, and I know nothing about theirs because I haven't asked to learn but also I don't care because it doesn't personally effect me."

Lily looked thoughtfully over at her friend, her friend that had an entire family at home who loved her. Lily had no family, nothing to lose. But Sienna had everything to lose. "It's just a different life."

"I guess… you know, I was talking to Stuart right before I left, explaining to him the whole You-Know-Who business and he starts analyzing it, giving suggestions, and I just… shut down? Like almost got mad at him. I wanted to shout out him! Stuart, my little brother. It was a weird feeling because what does he actually know?"

"It's easy to give away advice when you don't live it day to day," Lily said simply.

"Exactly!" Sienna exclaimed. "That's exactly how I feel. How did you know?"

"Haven't you figured it out? I know I everything."

They raced back to the tents to escape the cold, and Lily invited Sienna into her and James's tent for a cuppa.

"Jeeze, this coldness would be worth it if it just snowed!" Sienna shivered as Lily shot her wand to the fireplace.

"If it was snowing it would be freezing and we would be wetter and our feet would be cold."

"As opposed to this?" Sienna said as she grabbed her cup and brought it up to her lips for warmth. "I can't feel my face!"

Lily joined her at the table, picking up her own glass. "So you and Sirius made up?"

Sienna smiled into her cup and shrugged her shoulders before looking up at her. "Yeah… we talked about it."

"And…"

"I guess you could call me Sirius Black's girlfriend."

The joke was in Sienna's voice but she heard the luxury of it too and Lily smiled softy at her. "I'm happy for you."

"Me too," Sienna said biting her lip. "He's… he's everything I think I ever wished for. He makes me feel like I belong somewhere."

"I know," Lily said, thinking about her own circumstance, thinking about James. "So the two of you decided to stay together once you go back to school?"

Sienna nodded, circling her cup with her finger. "He told me very firmly there would be no more Caleb's or other men in my life or he would come back and curse every single one of them including me."

A small pinching feeling entered Lily but she ignored it, unsure of what it meant. "He didn't talk about his job being dangerous or anything?"

Sienna looked at her blankly, to innocently that Lily realized the idea had never crossed her mind at all. They had obviously never even broached the subject either. "Can't be too dangerous considering he's only in school. They don't take Auror trainees into the field until after their second year. If anyone should know that it would be you, silly."

Lily nodded her head numbly as the pinching grew to a clanging reverberating throughout her ears. "Right."

"Look at us, two girls who started the year helpless now with boyfriend's. Who would have thought?"

Lily went to respond when she realized James wasn't her boyfriend, or was he? She glanced over at Sienna sure her confused expression was depicted pointedly. The clanging jerked her forward when Sienna touched her hand.

"Lily?" Sienna asked concerned.

"It's nothing. Me and James uh," she blinked rapidly trying to ease the noise. "We haven't actually made it 'official'."

Sienna said nothing, and Lily bit her lip, suddenly confused why her throat was choking up when she thought about Sirius committing himself to Sienna so effortlessly. "I'm sure you just need to talk about it with him, Lily. Any fool can see how much he loves you."

Tears splashed at the top of her eyelashes. "I know, I don't know why I am getting so emotional, really. It's just we talked about it once and he got…" What did he get? Defensive? Angry? Unwilling to commit? Lily shook her head. Sienna was right when she said that James loved her. She could feel it, isn't that what she kept telling herself?

But sometimes love isn't enough, a small voice whispered in her head that she immediately shook off.

"It's nothing," Lily said firmly. "Really, we'll talk about it before I leave for school."

"Of course," Sienna started but in that moment James flounced into the tent, his face windswept, his cheeks rosy from the cold. The two girls jumped apart but James only had eyes for Lily.

The sexual tension was so tangible Lily was sure Sienna could touch the electricity.

"How… how was the rest of the game?" Lily finally uttered.

James eyes darkened as he stepped forward. "It's over now."

They didn't hear Sienna move to the edge of the tent, or say her goodbye and when James took Lily into her arms she didn't think about anything else expect to accept him.

"All I thought about was you naked in bed for me tonight," James whispered into he throat before bringing her body to his and kissing her so possessively that it told her the depth of his feeling. "Let me love you."

"You have me," she whispered truly aroused from his words.

His skin was cold from the outside, his hair famously tousled but in the firelight his body glowed in the warm light. She needed him with every fiber of her being, nothing would have made her reject him, and she was sure she would admit him forever. She hungered for his strength, for his virility. And when he dragged her to the bed, peeled off her clothes, there were no smiles or teasing but a fierceness that occupied her that when it was over, her staggering breath echoed long into the night as they curled around each other and fell into a dark sleep.

+++

"This is my favorite pub," Lily stated as they entered through a creaky door into a packed room filled to the brim with young, reckless, and cheerful youths drinking away their sorrows before venturing back to Uni. "Me and Sienna discovered it a few days ago!"

"It's pouring rain and you want to go pubs!" James laughed as he swooped down and pulled her close into his arms to maintain heat.

"It'll be fun you'll see! Promise," she said cutely up at him.

His eyes wrinkled as he smiled down at her. "Promises. Promises. But whatever my lady wants she shall receive."

She felt James's arm wrap around her shoulder and she looked at him, beaming happily as he pulled her close into the crook of his arms. They found a high top, empty table and James pushed Lily's chair close to his in order to keep his arms around her.

They had spent every single day of vacation together, and not once had she gotten sick of him and he of her. She giddily smiled up at him and he looked warmly down at her, barely allowing his eyes to stray as the waitress came over and looked at them expectantly.

So they ordered their beer and chips without thought, and James stroked her back and she stroked his hair as he lowered his lips and kissed her. It was all a dream. People weren't allowed to be this deliriously happy, she was sure of that.

But being this happy also meant she had pushed aside all her worries, all her concerns, her fears… like the fact that she was to return to school in two days and they hadn't brought up their future once since that night two weeks ago on Christmas Eve.

Lily decided tonight she would bring it up. It had to be positive. There was no going around it because she there was no way this could be negative. She felt his love for her when he touched her, held her hand, when he was talking to other people. They had become one and they were meant to be. So Lily decided even if James would be hesitant or unsure she would fight for them. She would forgive James of his worries about the war because they were legitimate but she refused to let him go just because of the war.

"You've been quiet tonight," James whispered into her ear before kissing it.

She looked over at him, and he pulled at the sides of her dark winter orange hat. "I've just been thinking what's it going to feel like once I got back to school. I bet Cornwall will be freezing up in those cliffs." James stilled at her words, almost exactly like she had predicted but she was on a mission. She looked at him and kissed his nose. "Think you'll miss me?"

James's dark eyes took her in, and she could tell right away he was not amused at her false bravado. "Lily… let's not."

She tried not to let his outright rejection of the subject effect her and gave him instead a small smile. "It's just that Sirius and Sienna and their boyfriend/girlfriend crap is sweet and well… with me going back to school… don't you want to make it official so no one else can scrap me up?" she lightly joked. "Don't you want to make me you're girlfriend?"

She didn't look at him when she said the last bit but heard his his soft sigh. "Lils…"

"Oh." She looked up at him and his arm that had originally been around her shoulder fell limp as he looked away, his face much to serious. "You and Sirius are doing the same thing, aren't you?"

He nodded but still wouldn't look her way again and Lily's heart plummeted.

"So if you guys are in the same predicament why is Sirius committing to Sienna but you can't commit to me?" Her voice growing smaller and Lily hated herself for it considering all the resolve she had come into the conversation. She literally could feel the cracks in her soul.

"It's different," he finally acquiesced.

"How is it any different? Actually you're right it is different because we've known each other since we were eleven and loved each other twice as long," she insisted, hoping something in his eyes would yearn him forward, agree that he was acting irrationally and this was just a false impulse.

"Let's not talk about it here, okay? Let's just-"

"Not talk about what's going to happen in two days? You realize this is our second to last night together?"

His eyes told her everything, he knew exactly how much time they had together and something at the admission broke her. Somewhere deep down she convinced herself that he had lost track of time in their happiness bubble like her.

"Were you just planning to disappear? I wake up tomorrow and you not be there and me not even notice?"

He sat silent and Lily gulped and tried to remain prepared for her battle but something made her indefinitely uncomfortable at his stare, as if that was exactly what he had planned to do.

"James," she said at his continued muteness. "Are you just going to not say anything at all?"

His eyes flicked to the door and then back at her and though they were surrounded in a room full of people, she couldn't see or hear anything but her drumming heartbeat and James steadfast dark eyes staring into her own as if he was designing his escape. All her resolve leaked, the timid and broken girl from Hogwarts wept into her soul reminding her how horrible it was getting over James Potter.

"Right," she finally said and stood up. "If you aren't going to talk to me like an adult I'm going to leave."

He grabbed her arm firmly in his own but Lily refused to look at him this time. She didn't want to remember the horrid history of getting over James Potter, and that time he hadn't been so deeply wedged into her soul. So she avoided his gaze not wanting to be reminded how foolish she had been.

"Lily, don't do this."

She didn't answer but she didn't pull away either. Because leaving hurt but she knew being away was even worse. So she took a deep breath and continued to stare at the red brick wall in front of her instead of the darkening eyes that were looking at her with conflicting emotions.

"Lily, all I want to do is protect you."

"I can protect myself, thanks," she cracked.

"You have no idea what I do, it's dangerous and I want to keep you away from it."

She whipped her hair that slashed his face and glared at him. "You've told me that already so how about you elaborate."

"I can't."

Her eyes stilled and she looked up at the man she loved so confused on how she did this to herself again. Again! "I can't believe this. Let go, right now."

He did but he wouldn't allow her to pass. "Lily, please."

"Please what? Please don't break my heart again? No!" She barked and knew she caused a few stares. "You're doing this! You're doing it again! To me! I was so convinced that you weren't going to hurt me, that this was forever but its not and you played me like stupid fiddle. I'm so stupid. Move."

Tears infiltrated her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks as her voice cracked but James still wouldn't move and instead pulled her into his arms and hugged her tight to his chest. But she didn't hug him back because what was the point? He was going to leave and she was going to leave and they would both be heartbroken but James would rather be heartbroken then with her.

"Lily, you have to believe me-"

"I don't believe you," she said pushing him off her and staring blankly at him. "How could you do this to me if you had no intention of staying? You could have at least given me a choice… I probably would have said yes."

But it felt like they were at an impasse they would never cross and she felt so lost within her own body, staring into the eyes that only a few hours before had been glittering down at her with such happiness. What a fool she had been.

"I couldn't just let you go… I wanted to show both of us how we belong together!"

"How am I supposed to know that? I don't actually. Because you don't tell me anything. You would rather lose me then tell me anything." With a decision, she moved past him in surprise. "I'm not doing this."

She heard him huff in frustration as he pulled her back into his arms but she pushed him off and glared fiercely at him. What words did she have to say to him? How could he love her but not commit himself to her? Because she was willing, she was willing and put her entire life on pause if he so much as asked her!

"I'm not going to do this," Lily finally said. "We've known each other for years, James and if you want to be with me and share your life with me then you know who I am already. I can't convince you or hope for a miracle."

She walked with mission out the door and only when she felt the first fat drop of the rain onto her skin did she suddenly remember it was pouring outside. She turned around in the rain and started marching down the street to find a dark corner to Apparate from but before she could she heard a sloshing behind her and turned around with the wind to watch a furious James Potter storming towards her.

"It's not as simple as you think and I know it's not fair but I'm under oath."

She stayed mutinous even as the rain slammed around them. "James, the choices you decide to make are your own."

"Lily, the choice of being with you was the best I've ever made!"

He was breathless and looking at her desperately and with the rain falling between them all she wanted to do was fall into his arms but she refused to allow herself this. "That's not enough for me anymore."

"No."

"James," she said resiliently, looking him straight in the eye. "It's commitment or it's nothing."

"Lily, please," and he wrapped his arms around her body even as she struggled to pull away from him. "Every night I would be stuck in the rain and mud, left to sleep with only a pillow of grass. It was you I thought about. Every time."

"James."

"I love you, Lily. You have to know that after everything. I love you."

It was a broken violin the want and pull and tug. But James's hard stare, with his hair sticking to him, his glasses fogged, revealed everything she knew had been there all along. And she wanted to scream into the night. After all these years and here they were. But love wasn't enough. Again.

But James refused to come to the same acceptance, and his wet hands started moving over her body, as if checking to make sure she was real.

"James, stop," she whispered defeated.

"Please, Lily," he murmured desperately as he pulled her into his arms fully, their wet bodies flopping against each other as she started kissing her cheek, her neck, moving down her lifeless body. "Lily, please."

He brought her lips to his own, and before she could even consider what she was doing, she allowed herself to be ravished right there in the middle of the thunderstorm, getting wetter by the second but uncaring. There was no explaining soulmates.

"I love you so much," he murmured against her lips.

"Me too, James. I love you too," she said but she violently moved her head away from him and looked to the side. She refused to run blind any longer. "James, if you love me then you have be truthful because otherwise I can't do this. It's not fair to me."

But didn't she already know he wasn't going to tell her anything? He would rather leave her clueless and alone and broken than divulge anything because his precious secret was more precious then his relationship with her.

So she pushed past him and into the street, tears streaming steadily down her face as she considered her next move. She wrapped her hands around her stomach and squinted into the flashing leftover Christmas lights gulping a few breaths through the rain. Lily started making her way down the street as the Muggle traffic lights and bright lights flashed against her eyelids.

"LILY," the roar of the thunderstorm swept against her and she twisted around to stare at James marching through the current of people, his glasses splattered and his hair drenched, towards her.

And even though it was raining, and minus zero outside, and even though she was soaking wet and not even two seconds ago all hope had vanished, seeing his frantic face as he pushed through the crowd to get to her instantly soothed her. And when he was only a few strides away, she surged forward and she sprung into his arms and clutched him because he came after her. At least he came after her.

She found herself pressing her lips to his, wrapping her arms around his neck and his hands holding onto her for dear life knowing this was exactly where both of them belonged. And they continued to kiss like that for long minutes because even that short period of time were doubt existed it had been long enough.

James released her with a fractured sigh and moved his head to her neck before kissing her once more on the forehead and looking down at her. And even with the darkness surrounding them, and not to say the many bumping into them, Lily like home.

He grabbed her carefully and pulled her to the side of a building with less probing eyes and didn't even flinch when a clap of thunder erupted above them. James's long strides brought them towards an empty stretch of brick walls, and he leaned her against the roughness and kissed her passionately before looking intensely at her, smoothing her damp hair and cupping her cheeks.

"I'm in a secret society," he told her intently as rain continued to splash all around them. The velvety darkness ominous as Lily leaned against the scratchy wall and James's hands lowering to cushion her back. "It's called the Order of the Phoenix and it was founded by Dumbledore to fight Voldermort and his army. I wasn't in contact with you because we would be on missions in the middle of nowhere and we weren't allowed to be in contact with anyone."

"Missions?" Lily repeated in a soft voice. "What kind of missions?"

"Dangerous ones, Lily. That's why I've been trying to keep you out of it…reconnaissance, following Death Eaters, going undercover, gathering intelligence, hostage rescue…"

"Whose in it?"

"Me, Sirius, a bunch of people who used to go to Hogwarts. You met some of them at the Christmas party…"

"Marlene and those girls…" Lily trailed off and looked up at James for confirmation.

"How did… Dumbledore asked you to join when you were at Hogwarts?"

James nodded his head slowly, and Lily's teeth shattered brutally as she measured what she was hearing, and the fact that everyone she knew was in a deadly secret society, expect her.

"Why wasn't I asked to join?" Lily demanded to know. "I'm just as good, if not better at magic then any of you lot."

James seemed to want to smile but it squandered at the seriousness of the conversation and instead wrapped his hands tighter around her. "Lily, I don't know and I didn't ask why but I would prefer it that way."

Before she could even snap at his comment, he started kissing her ardently leaving her breathless, shivering from the unexpected heat and passion pouring out of him.

"I wouldn't be able to do any of it if I thought for a second you were in any kind of danger."

She didn't know what else to ask even though a million questions swirled in her thoughts. She nodded dumbly and her throat tightened as the rain poured down on like ice buckets. It all seemed too much for any young 18 year old to deal with. How was 18-year-old James Potter responsible for fighting off the darkness of others?

James tore off his glasses and looked down at her, bringing his hands to cup her wet cheeks. "Lily this goes without saying but you cannot tell anyone. We aren't supposed to be in a relationship with anyone or tell anyone anything if we aren't married to them."

Lily's astonished gaze pummeled into a whirl of confusion, unsure what James was declaring, petrified of what he was implying. He was going on missions, secret operations doing… "Are you safe?"

He nodded but Lily wasn't sure she believed him.

"Where does this leave us?"

"Lily," he chocked, "I meant what I said before. I love you more than anything, all I want is to keep you safe."

She swallowed and looked deep into his eyes. "You aren't answering my question. Do you want to be with me?"

"It's the only thing I've wanted for five years," he stated before bringing down his lips to her own. The kiss turned demanding, because Lily was desperate for him. His revelation bringing forth a new uncertainty that made her lean into his body and weep in pleasure as he picked her up, squeezing her butt as he lifted her from the floor and she wrapped her legs around his waist.

She had no answers from him, she realized as he grabbed fistfuls of drenched and tangled hair. But at that exact moment, the dizzying pleasure overtook her, a move she was sure James sought but she was burning for him, wildly.

"I want you," she rasped as she left scalding marks against his neck.

She heard him grown in agreement and Lily gripped his shoulder for support as he moved his large hands down her body as she was left pinned to the wall helpless rocking against him.

"James… Take me home."

He groaned against her neck, sucking it for a moment before turning his lips onto hers for a single kiss. She felt him Apparate before she realized it and found herself standing in the middle of her rented room still wrapped around him, his lips kissing her vulgarly and she kissing him back.

It was all she had, she knew. This, him, together. Because him bringing her back to her rented apartment, a place they had never made love in before, was verification. But she kissed him back deeply anyways. She was foolish, she knew that. But she couldn't stop herself even as her inner rational shrieked about the massive mistake she was making. But she tangled her fingers in his soaking hair, kissing him ardently as his hands moved down her body. His half lidded eyes taking her in and she slid down his drenched body as his hands moved up and down her goose bumped laced arms.

It was a mistake. But she couldn't help herself. And if anything she finally understood the real truth about love.

James lit a small floating fire that glowed throughout the room, and Lily watched him over the play on lights. He stood in front of her, and Lily lifted her arms as he slowly removed her shirt and dropping it with a clunk to the floor. He lifted his own hands and she copied his movements. They followed suit with their pants and undergarments. They were left standing bare in front of each other, and Lily couldn't help admire his naked body. This was a man.

He gathered her in his arms; her hardened nipples pressing roughly against his chest hair. "Are you still cold?" he whispered unevenly.

"A little," she replied, linking her arms around his neck.

He lifted her then, and she leaned her head against his shoulder as he carried her to the bathroom. He flicked his wand, dropping it onto the floor as the scalding water poured out of the shower leaving them in a steamed room as James set her down and pulled them both into the rush of water.

She gazed up in wonder as water once more spilled around them. Wrapped in each other's arms, the warmth seemed to shelter them from the unknown, shedding them from the cold, separation. Exiting meant talking about it again, and she was content to stay right there, under the water, with him, forever.

"Let me wash you," James said from behind her, and Lily shivered feeling his soft breath all the way to her toes. He turned her around without waiting for answer as he lapped his hands with soap, and she felt his entire back against her backside and instinctively started to rub against him.

"Lily," he said in a husky tone. "Let me," and he grabbed her hips in his hands and steadied her. She felt his soapy hands move unhurriedly over her shoulders, down her arms, massaging circulation back into her body. As his hands reached her arms, she lifted them behind her and wrapped them around his neck, leaving her wide open as he circled around her waist and pulled her tighter against him.

He left a small kiss on her shoulder and traced her breasts, cupping them with both his hands leaving Lily sighing as she felt his calloused fingers against her pink skin.

"You're all I think about. All those dark nights, I thought about your hair, your smile, just you, everything about you…" His gentle touch left her yearning and she turned her face upwards to meet his descending lips catching her in a powerful kiss that when he let go his eyes were so dark. "I'm always going to think of only you."

"Shhh," she sighed as he squeezed her breasts and she pulled him down for another kiss that left them both tingling everywhere. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Promise, Lily," he whispered deep into their kiss as he twisted her nipples in his hand and left scalding kisses against her eyes, neck.

"Touch me, please," she yearned, quivering under his touch, his gaze.

"Promise me, Lily," he demanded as he continued his strong touch, his hands moving gradually down her body.

"I promise. I'll always promise you," she finally said and felt him sigh behind her as one of his soapy hands moved to the folds of her slick sex. He slid his finger slowly, petting her in tight circles that left Lily whimpering as the other hand continued to massage her breast.

"You feel good," he said into her shoulder and Lily let out a shuddering breath.

"You make me feel so good," she said, the cajoling of his tone varying from his serious eyes. She pushed herself further up and kissed him, feeling trapped by his body in a terrible ecstasy as his hands continued over her body leaving her moaning in his embrace.

Another finger entered as she started breathing more heavily and James massaged her clit with a fast ferocity as she pulled one of her arms from around his neck and brought his hand down to his hand against her clit and pushed them harder against his own. He slid his fingers faster and more deeply within her and removed them just for an instant before she felt him enter her from behind leaving her groaning hard. She was moaning louder as he slammed into her, her breath coming out in ragged tones and her hand against his neck she was sure to leave dark marks. He pushed in at just the right point that left her entire body convulsing and screaming out for him as she exploded into the pouring water, for him, only for him. James held her body close to his body to make sure he didn't fall over as he came too.

Lily turned rapidly around in his arms and kissed him zealously as his hand slipped out from between them and he gripped her waist in order to steady her but she ignored him completely as she pressed against him kissing him long and hard. She released him only when she ran out of breath, and with the combination of steam emerging from the shower and her orgasm tears sprung to her eyes as she gazed into James's.

"I love you," she whispered, laying her cheek against his chest.

He tightened his embrace and lifted her face to kiss her again but this time tenderly. He gathered her limp body out of the shower, drying her off first before carrying her to her pillowing bed. She felt warm in his embrace, knowing there wasn't another place she belonged. Why couldn't he see it that way?

He tucked her deep into the covers, the duvet willowing around her as he climbed in beside her. He scooped her across his chest and she lay against him quietly as he played with the ends of her hair. Lily heard the storm raging, the clap of thunder and the flame of lightening, the gush of wind, but she felt sated and small in James's embrace, his small fire remained glowing across the room.

"Lily," he finally said and rolled over so she was under him, her red hair fanning the pillow like a halo.

"Yeah?" she said softly.

"I'll love you forever."

She didn't respond because the tears welled up and she kissed him instead poignantly. They were forever, she knew they were forever; she could feel the forever with him.

+++

Lily rolled over to still, empty sheets. She blinked slowly, before fully opening her eyes and staring into the white sheets and pillow beside her. The room was warm, the light after the storm overwhelming as she observed they had lift the curtains open. She slowly stretched her arms upwards, taking in her empty surroundings. She got up, pulling her robe around her and stared out the window to the other buildings mutely.

She heard, and then smelled, the sounds in the kitchen and her entire body sighed in relief: he was in the kitchen and hurried out the door but stopping in her tracks when all she saw was a shirtless Sirius and Sienna making breakfast.

Sienna looked her way and grinned at her but Lily immediately noticed Sirius avoiding her gaze. "Hey girl! Want eggs?"

She opened her mouth and then closed it, her eyes narrowing on Sirius. "Have you guys seen, James?"

"Yeah, he left this morning," Sienna said flippantly, waving her wand over the eggs on the pan.

"He left? Did he say when he would be back?" Lily asked unconvinced as she made her way over to them, her heart pounding against her chest. He hadn't left, she repeated, he wouldn't leave her, not without saying goodbye, at the very least…

Sienna slowed her movements and stared at Lily unsure now. "Did something happen between you two?"

Lily's throat choked and decided not to say anything and looked over at Sirius instead. "Sirius…" she said softly, imploringly. "Where did James go?"

Sirius twisted his head to the side as if to look at anything but her but eventually gave up in the sad silence and sighed heavily. "Look, I told him he had to say something before he left but he insisted it would be easier this way."

Lily's heart was free falling now and she gripped the handle of the table. "What will be easier?"

"James went back early." His tone was somber, he voice resigned and Lily had never felt more blindsided. Last night had been… it had been raw, emotive, almost denouement. She had been so sure it had warranted a new possibility, more then leaving her alone the morning after. He had said forever…

"James left without saying goodbye?" she asked, and forced the tears back. How many tears could she cry over James Potter?

Sirius nodded. "Where did he go?" Lily ordered.

Sirius truly looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there and Lily actually did feel a bit bad but in the larger picture she decided to blame James. "Lils, I'm sorry… but even if I knew, I can't tell you."

"I know you have some mystery magical connection with him. Give it to me or tell me how to get in touch with him. He can't just leave without saying anything. I don't even know if we are together!"

"Sirius, what the fuck did he say to you this morning?" Sienna glared at her boyfriend, the eggs in midair.

"You talked to him this morning?" Lily snarled.

Sirius huffed before shaking his head. "Look, he went back to school early that's all I know. And once anyone reports back, I can't know where they are until I get back."

"That coward," Lily breathed as if she was expelling fire before she took a deep breath and looking into Sirius's black eyes.

Sienna came to her side and put a comforting arm on her shoulder while maintaining a stony glance at Sirius. "Lily…"

Lily looked at his best friend, hopeful for one more chance. "Did he say if- if we were together?"

Sirius shook his head and swallowed harshly.

"Did he say anything about me?"

He moved forward but Lily moved away. "C'mon, Lils…"

She lifted up her hands in defeat. "I just want to be alone."

She moved back to her bedroom, laid down in her warm cotton sheets, the same one she just spent the night with James in. She rolled to the side he had slept on and inhaled the leftover scent.

She loved him and he had left her, not with a goodbye, not even with a clarification. He had said forever. What did that mean? How could he do this? How could he not say anything? How could he do this to her again?

Again. Again. Again. Again.

TBC

AN: I am so sorry about the delay! I got extremely sick in November and it just backed me tremendously. I'll try super hard for it not to happen again.

[evansnjames]

What Halloween means to me

I shared this on Facebook but I’m sharing it here because you guys get it.......

So for many people Halloween means dressing up, candy, etc etc. Well today being November 3rd I'm going to explain what Halloween means to me:

It means that on October 31st, 1981, James and Lily Potter died protecting their son, Harry Potter. Harry Potter goes on to be the only person to ever survive the killing curse, and an orphan. His godfather, Sirius Black, is falsely accused of providing the whereabouts of James and Lily when he goes after the real snitch, their mutual Marauder and now double agent, Peter Pettigrew. Sirius is sent to Azkaban - most probably on his birthday, November 3rd. Meanwhile, Remus Lupin, werewolf, has now lost all four of the closest people to him: Lily, James, Sirius and Peter. IN ONE NIGHT. Thus, he goes on to live 12 years of isolation. To wrap it up: James and Lily die leaving behind Harry. Harry goes on to live 10 miserable years with the Durselys and then 7 years with Voldermort chasing him. Sirius is sent to Azkaban on his birthday for a crime he didn't commit after watching his very best friend in the entire world die. Peter lives for a rat for 12 years and then goes on to once more betray James when he runs off to help resurrect Voldermort (who wants to kill Harry). And Remus is alone, a werewolf, poor and confused. ALL IN ONE NIGHT. You ask me what Halloween means to me? WELL THIS IS IT.

Thanks for listening. It's really necessary for us to remember the tragedies that took place so we can celebrate.

"I think one of the most devastating things about war is the children left behind." - JK Rowling

--- As a side note: I’ve been sick all week and won’t be updating No Headlights for those interested but I’ve already started the draft and hopefully should be posting a new chapter either Friday or Saturday!! 

[evansnjames]

UPDATED: okay, ended up getting tickets in October! (which actually works out better for me... that’s what happens when you complain!) anyone else??

+++

I’m not a complainer ... but I literally waited for 3 hours to try to buy those damn harry potter and the cursed child tickets and when it was finally my turn everything was sold out! I mean they could have at least given notice... or something! This whole thing is very bothersome to me... I love Harry Potter, dearly but to make this “eighth” book so unavailable to so many people seems so epidemically unfair considering Harry Potter has touched so many worldwide. I always felt what made Harry Potter so special was that it included everybody and this feels... annoying. 

Sorry, rant over! Back to finishing chapter 6 of No Headlights!  

[evansnjames]

No Headlights in Paradise (5/13)

Chapter Five - Into a Dark Paradise

Summary: Timing wasn't right. Love decided they didn't belong. Memories are magic. So they slipped. Into a dark paradise... Follow the story of James & Lily through Hogwarts to the Order of Phoenix where time is their looming adversary.

Song choice: Once Upon a Dream – Lana Del Ray

You can read it from the start at ff.net!

+++

The sun beamed roughly against Lily's skin, and she woke confused at the unfamiliar sensation of feeling much to warm. As she further widened her sleepily eyes everything felt off: her position, the color of the walls, the flush of the mattress, the firm body behind her… She stretched out her legs and felt James hairy legs intimately tangle with her own, and she flushed as she cuddled further into his cozy embrace.

She registered her surroundings for the first time, taking a good look at the appealing soft pastel green walls, the large cracked, white painted wardrobe to the side, the large windows reaching the ceiling. They hadn't drawn the curtains last night that enabled the sun to shine effortlessly onto their twined bodies.

She felt James murmur against the curve of her neck, his hands moving silky over her body and cupped her breast. She let out a vulnerable giggle and felt James lips curve into a smile against her throat, kissing it lightly.

"Morning," James mumbled against her neck.

She leaned against him, his soft words and his caresses arousing. She looked up at him but he was preoccupied necking her throat to notice, "I see someone's awake."

James pressed more confidently against her backside, his length making its presence. His hands wrapped more securely around her as he leaned up against his elbow, his head in his hand as he looked down at her. "Hmm," he said, kissing her nose causing her to smile demurely. "Do you feel sore, love?"

A skip in her heartbeat made her swallow harshly. Yes, maybe in pathetic attempts at the end of the school year, her and James had declared their undying love for each other but a lot of time had passed since then… 'love' was an endearment, millions of thousands of people said it everyday, Lily thought radically in her head, no need to let the endearment cause her to have false hope!

"Not really," she stuttered, the rant in her brain refusing to shut off until James leaned down and kissed her. She whimpered when he pulled away, his kiss leaving her anxious for more. He chuckled throatily at her eager position and kissed her again.

"I can't seem to get enough of you…" he uttered at last as he moved his hand down her body, leaving her shuddering as he neared the triangle between her thighs.

"James," she whispered huskily as his hand moved up to the underside of her breast.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

She tried turning over to face him but he held her firmly in this position. His gentle hands moved over her body, coaxing her open up as he slipped two fingers inside her warm heat that left Lily moaning quietly. He stroked her slowly, sucking her salty-damp neck in the process.

"When I felt you in my arms this morning I thought I was in a dream. I had dreamed this so many times," he said irresistibly.

His words seeped deep into her, shooting a thrill of provocation over her oversensitive body. Her body flamed at his continued touch, her desire becoming all consuming. He was playing with her: his sultry words, his light touches, and she lustfully yearned for him, "James, please."

She brought her arm up, twisting it around his neck. His hand continued stroking within her folded heat, the other slithering up her body, cupping her breast and pinching her nipple. She arched into him, the friction of his length sliding along her behind making him groan behind her.

"You're so responsive, Lily… Tell me what you want."

Lily couldn't formulate an answer because his hands felt everywhere. One hand released her breast and pulled at her upper leg to be pulled atop his legs, leaving her more exposed to his overwhelming touch. Her parted thighs quivered as he roamed over them, his hands stroking her backside.

"Tell me what you want, Lily," he said as he returned his hand to circle her inner nub. She was more aroused than ever and when his arousal pushed against her behind she panted in utter need.

"You," she finally said in a breathless moan.

He stopped all his movements, leaving his hand cupping her and Lily whined. "Where?"

She wasn't thinking but she felt so desperate for his touch that she brought her own hands to cover his and tried terribly to push his hands to continue his previous movement. He laughed hoarsely down at her and brought his other hand to cup her breast in compensation.

"Nah uh. Tell me where you want me, Lily."

"Inside me," she wept. "Inside me, James. Please… hurry."

James didn't waste any time and drove fully into her, and she gasped into his muscular arm that was wrapped around her breast. She groaned at the sensation so unlike she had ever imagined. He filled her completely.

James traced the twisted arm around his neck, his other cupping her as he played with clit furiously. He withdrew before thrusting deeply again, and her hips moved involuntarily as she stared rocking against him that left him groaning loudly. She squeezed him as she moved her hips backward, excited by his apparent lack of control in this position.

He thrust in deep measures, their bodies slick with perspiration as she arched franticly against him. His hands moved down roughly to her hips, holding her as her legs remained spread open between his two, the pace between them unrestrained. His hands returned to between her open thighs, rubbing her swollen flesh as she cried frantically out for him.

"Merlin, Lily. You're so tight," he moaned harshly.

Lily couldn't see straight as the pleasure laced through her, begging for release. She could hear herself pleading with James, words emerging from her mouth she had never uttered before. The bed squeaked violently under their movements as it repeatedly hit the wall until finally, finally she came with a throaty convulsion that left her shaking in his arms as James continued to push feverish within her. Every time she believed the gratifying sensation was over, James would drive more aggressively and her excited body would rip into another climax.

"Lily," he yelled into the echoing room, biting her neck fiercely as he came into his own completion.

When the two of them came down, his shaky hands releasing her briefly enough for her to turn over and he pulled her weakly on top of him, his hands dangling as if moving was too much effort. Lily took a good look at his tousled hair that was even messier than usual against his sweaty face. She dragged open mouth kisses on his cheek, nose than throat that left him smiling as she brought her head up for a kiss.

"Morning," he smirked happily.

"Happy morning," she said bitingly.

"Merlin, you're gorgeous," James said as he kissed her soft body, pressing her temptingly against his own and Lily felt the stickiness below, causing her to flush and hide against his chest. He grunted at her reaction and brought his arms to pull her closer to him and kissed her ardently as she brought her hands to his shoulders.

Lily hummed against him as he released her satisfied, "You keep that up and we will never get out of bed."

He grinned wickedly down at her and patted her bum, "Sounds like a plan to me."

She grinned back at him and kissed him, pressing her body intently against his own, making sure he sensed every smooth texture of her body. She felt his thickness stirring below and she smiled inwardly. Never getting out of bed with James sounded like a dream come true. She was so happy it was bubbling. This was her wildest dream: James tucked into her body, holding her in his arms and her being able to raise her face and kiss him freely. All these months, years, it had been all she had wanted! And it was happening.

"I never want to stop touching you," James said as he rubbed his hands up and down her body, kissing her neck before moving his lips to hers again. It was all so wondrous.

"Then don't," she said.

He released her just enough so he could look down at her. He brought his hand up to her cheek and was just about to open his mouth when a silver, fully formed Patronus came flying out of nowhere and a black dog with the voice of Sirius Black said: "Mate, it's Christmas Eve."

James looked at the fading dog before dropping his head onto the bed and groaning frustrated into the ceiling like a little boy. Lily leaned back and looked down at him with an amused smile at his adorable face.

"Happy Christmas, James," she said as she brushed the hair from his forehead.

His eyes met hers and looked at her with a sincere longing that had her kissing him deeply. His arm came up to her upper arm and squeezed gently as she tangled their legs.

"Lily," he murmured a bit helplessly before finally getting up and leaning back against the headboard. The blanket pooled around his stomach and she couldn't help admiring his chest. She looked up at him caught, blushing under his hungry eyes.

"Lily," he repeated and brought her close. She straddled his waist as she snuggled happily into his chest as she encircled her arms to his neck. She had never been happier in her entire life, she was sure. She could stay right here in this moment- "I have to go."

She pushed fiercely back against him, her nails digging dark marks into his bare chest. He flinched as she glared at him.

"What?" she said dangerously.

"My mom! The Christmas party," he said in quick explanation as he took hold of her hands and she relaxed them, wincing as she removed her nails. "I have to help set up, or all those parts you like will be dismembered."

"Oh," she said releasing her hold and tried to move away but he didn't accede and instead brought her hands to his lips and kissed them gently. "Well, you should go then… I wouldn't want your mother to be upset."

He didn't move from his position but kept staring at her intently that made Lily feel scrutinized. She bit her bottom lip, trying to move again but he gripped her hips more securely than before.

"James…"

He brought her lips to his and kissed her soundly, and she gave in completely, as she always would for she was sure no day would ever come when she would be able to deny him. The sensual pressure from his lips resounded through her naked body with tremors as his hands tangled their way into her hair and pressed her more closely against his own bare body. When he released her he was just as out of breath as she and she was glad that she also had that effect on him.

"The last thing I want to do is help with this stupid party," he grumbled.

She played with the little chest hair he had and looked up at him. "Maybe you can sneak away," she said hopefully, knowing those parties could last well into the early rays of morning as she was reluctant to let him go, not when she just got him. "Me and Sienna aren't doing anything too exciting."

He looked baffled down at her. "You're not coming?"

Lily laughed at the dumbfounded look. "You never invited me."

He scrunched up his nose and huffed. "Of course you're invited! As if I would go to this party if you weren't there. I wouldn't survive knowing these," he said, cupping both her heavy breasts in his hands, "were out there needing my touch." Lily knew he felt the small pool of damp warmth on his thigh as he touched her.

She pushed lightly against him, hoping for some friction against her now aching insides. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," he said aroused too and bringing her lips to his, ravishing them against his own that left Lily moaning into his mouth. His hands moved down her stomach, touching her moist folds as she whimpered.

"James… the party…"

He shook his head as he cupped her, sliding a finger into her welcoming body. "It can wait. This is more important."

He flipped them over then and she squealed in delight, before he plunged deep within her.

+++

Lily cringed as the door to her rented apartment squeaked open, knowing it was still pretty early, knowing that Sienna liked sleeping, and knowing that the second Sienna knew she was home the inquisition wouldn't activate. Yet, knowing all these things the massive grin on her face refused to move. Her heart was fluttering, everything she touched tingled and every three seconds she had to look down because the thought of James would flicker through her.

Just their parting had been comical and whimsy enough that left small clenches forming at her side every time she thought about it. The way she would try to leave but he would tug her back into his arms whispering that he needed one last kiss. And she would willingly fly back every time he made the same move because leaving his clutches was such an unappealing thought. They had reluctantly separated only when James's mother sent him a personal Patornus demanding his presence at Potter Manor.

Comical, Lily thought grinning to herself stupidly, but whimsy.

"Oh, hello there, Lily Evans. Nice of you to make an appearance this morning."

Lily snapped her head up to come face to face with Sienna who was pointing a spatula at her, and even with enormous effort, the grin on her face wouldn't fade. She came over to Sienna and hugged her before she could say anything and Sienna hugged her back knowingly.

"I've prepared a post-Lily-finally-lost-her-virginity breakfast!"

And Sienna had. A Sienna special she called it with a stack of pancakes with whipped cream shaped like a smiley faces, milky scrambled eggs, and sizzling bacon. Lily had eaten very well last night but she was famished. Losing her virginity was sure exercising… Sienna sat Lily down on the table, putting forth a hot cup of coffee and the layers of breakfast food Lily was sure would cause her to vomit later and decided she was never more grateful to having such a marvelous friend to come home too. So she hugged her waist and Sienna patted her shoulder.

"Now tell me everything!" Sienna exclaimed as she slid onto the seat beside her. "All the details too! The minor ones, the big ones…"

And so Lily told her as she took a bite from her pancake about the Christmas Market and the ice skating. The twirling on the ice rink and his gentle touch. The way the sea shone in Faerie Realm and their intimate walk on the beach. How he had taken her to Godric's Hollow so they could be alone…

"I never knew you could feel like that…" she sighed happily. "I feel so consumed, so happy. Sienna, I never even knew someone, me, could be this happy! I'm overflowing with it. I can't stop smiling, I can't stop thinking about him, and I don't want too!"

"How was it?" Sienna asked tracing her coffee cup and looked at Lily curiously.

Lily bit her lip and the grin that had infiltrated her all morning returned with vengeance, "Perfect, it was all perfect."

Sienna's eyes crinkled as if she wanted to roll them but she controlled herself. "I've never seen you this happy before."

"I've never felt this happy before," Lily said rawly.

They continued chatting lightly, Sienna telling her about the romantic novel she had been reading as they both got up and started cleaning the dishes and kitchen. Lily played with the doe in her hand and at her touch she was burnt by it. She knew, for whatever unexplainable, magical reason, James was thinking about her, and the burning doe was confirming such.

"You're probably going to be spending the holiday with him tonight, huh?" Sienna asked as she whipped down the counter.

"Tonight?" Lily asked casually and she tried to hide the wicked smile forming on her face. "Yes, we are. But it will be me, him and about a four hundred other people."

Sienna glanced up at her perplexed, and Lily continued. "The Potters have thrown this massive Christmas Party for generations so James invited me. And you have to come with me."

"What, Lily, I can't! I wasn't invited and its probably British, pure blood society. It would be so weird, no. Go with James, sneak off too a bush, have fun."

"No, Sienna, you'll have fun! You'll meet all the people I've been talking about… Sirius will be there."

Sienna froze her scrubbing, opened her mouth to Lily and seemed to think better of it but she could tell her friend was trying to appear unaffected. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah," Lily smirked. "And I don't know if I ever mentioned this before, but Sirius actually lives with the Potters now so even if we would have wanted time alone, Sirius would just be there trailing around us like a third wheel, you know? So you'll just have to spend as much time with me and James as necessary so we could get some private time."

"I sincerely doubt James is going to let anything get between him and you," Sienna mumbled but didn't refute her claim to join her, James and Sirius.

"Great, so you're coming tonight? Perfect, you can help me choose out a dress," Lily went on ignoring any halfhearted attempts from Sienna to back out. "Well I guess my connection to James will have you meeting up with Sirius after all…"

"Har har, Lily," Sienna said as she stripped off her washing gloves and came over to sit next to Lily at the table. Lily wondered only briefly why Sienna was acting so shy on the subject… so unlike her outgoing self. She would have asked further but she seemed so disinclined to broach the topic she would leave her to her privacy.

"Well, now you can properly meet James… and my friends from Hogwarts."

Sienna stopped pouting and took a considering stare towards her. "That can be a good thing…"

Lily raised an eyebrow at her but just thinking about facing her past friends made her stomach squirm.

"Maybe it's a good thing, Lily. To face them, put it all behind you so you can move forward with James freely without any baggage."

"I didn't leave Hogwarts not speaking to them," Lily said defensively as she crossed her arms.

"I know," Sienna said, lying a reassuringly hand on her arm. "I just think you carry so much resentment and it's mainly targeted towards yourself. Facing them might make you realize all those insecurities have washed away. You've opened up so much since we first met. I just want you to see yourself as the person you are becoming and not the timid girl you may have been once."

Lily gave her tactic but humbled smile. "Well, I'm just glad you'll be there."

Sienna gave her warmhearted smile and grabbed her hand. "Wherever I am, you'll always have a friend, Lily. That's my eternal promise."

Later, Sienna scrounged through her abundant wardrobe for something to wear to her first real "Wizarding event in British society," and Lily took an extra long, hot shower as she soaped her body thoroughly, admitting maybe she had been a bit sore after last night and this mornings activities. Last night had been magical though. It had been absolutely the best day of her entire life. Just thinking about him, his arms, his hand and his lips upon her, they way he had made her feel, made her feel nervous for tonight, excited for tomorrow and happy for the future.

As she poured soap onto her body one more time for added measure, it occurred to Lily that she and James had never explicitly discussed the nature of their relationship and what would happen after the Christmas vacation ended. Sure, maybe there first official date wasn't the place to discuss such matters and nothing short of death would have her raising it this morning... But she wondered anyways. She was quite positive that the second James asked her to be his girlfriend she would jump in his arms and never let go. Lily was sure it was coming… it had to be coming especially after all they had shared.

As she stood under the steaming water, scrubbing away yesterday's remains, she wondered what it would feel like to have a boyfriend who was an Auror. Maybe a little braggart? Probably horrifying. But this feeling, the one exploding within her felt too good to let go, and no reasonable, logical or realistic opinion would change her mind.

With those thoughts swirling in her head, Lily stepped out of the shower and started drying off. She wrapped a towel around herself and opened her closet doors, her wet hair hanging against her shoulders causing her to shiver. She contemplated her options, pursing the same dresses she had already decided last night were not good enough for any date she may have with James. And tonight, on Christmas Eve, she wanted to look enchanting. That James would take one look at her and it would be everything.

She considered her dresses, considering tampering with them a bit to get the look she wanted when Sienna walked in. "What do you think? Red or green? I'm trying to stick to the Christmas themes."

Sienna was holding two dresses in her hand. A long, lace red one that was low cut and sleeveless but covered her back, and a green form fitted dress that looked sexy just on the hanger.

"The green one," Lily said sugary. "Sirius will like it."

Sienna fake pushed Lily before throwing the dress on the bed. "What about you? Find anything?"

"I don't know. I just know what I do want to look like and I'm pretty sure I have nothing that can ever match that image."

"What's the image?" Sienna asked as she flicked through Lily's closet with a frown on her face.

"It's silly."

Sienna didn't even turn around when she said in a no nonsense tone: "Spit it out. We have no secrets in this relationship."

"I just want James to see me and… well, fall in love with me again."

Sienna's face softened as she came to sit by her friend and stroked her hair. "Lily, he is in love with you."

"Well, he didn't mention anything and… I just want to remind him that all this waiting was worth it," Lily said as her heart sunk at the admission, her old insecurities festering.

"Lily," Sienna said firmly as she forced Lily to look at her, "you need to stop this. You're date last night? The way he treated you in bed? Men don't do that if they aren't completely shattered over the girl, okay? You have to stop doubting that."

The hard, blazing look in Sienna's eye had Lily shaking her head, wondering how she could have been so happy one minute and upset the next.

"Now," Sienna said in the same firm tone, "I'll help you find a dress but you need to promise me that you won't sabotage yourself!"

Lily swallowed and agreed to Sienna's terms and reminded herself of the motto she adhered by last night: all in. That's what she had wished all those months without him. That if she had one more chance, it would be without doubt. Her and James were a chance. They were a chance, and she needed to stop overthinking it.

"Anyways, I think I have the dress you're looking for."

"Oh?" Lily asked as Sienna walked out of her room and came back holding a hanger with a sheet over it.

"I've never really had an opportunity to wear or need really. It's also not my style. It's actually my mom's dress. My dad gave it to me years ago, I think hoping I would wear to some sort of Wizarding Prom but I never did."

"Sienna," Lily said shocked. "I couldn't-" but she hushed as Sienna revealed the dress beneath. It was a long, airy gown with high silhouette slits that would leave her legs provocatively exposed at any movement against the tumbling silk. The capped sleeves led to a sweetheart neckline with a sheer, lace bodice, detailed with embodied swirls that would leave her pale skin shimmering. It was exactly what she had imagined.

"Just innocent and sexy enough, huh?" Sienna asked at Lily's stunned state. "My mom must have been a heartbreaker."

Lily nodded dazedly as she got up and touched the flowing material as it cascaded down her hand. She looked up Sienna. "I, I couldn't take your mom's dress-"

"You could, and you will! This dress was meant for a moment like this, and my mom would have wanted it for a moment like this. And James will flip," Sienna said in such a seriousness that had Lily giggling. "That is the most important part."

So Lily under Sienna's harassment, Lily dressed in the gown and felt luminous. It fit to her body to every last detail and when she twirled, she felt like everything could come together. Sienna sat on her bed, beaming at her as they looked at each other in the mirror.

"You look amazing," she said. "And remember, you don't need James to tell you that."

The two girls arrived at Potter Manor a little after nine o'clock and everything was already in swing, literally. People were milling outdoors with floating champion glasses, several kinds of horderves sliding between guests for their appetite. The house was lit with thousands of bright, glittering Christmas lights and the echoing sounds of hundreds of people clustered into Potter's Manor. Lily looked over at Sienna's who was gazing around in utter astonishment.

"Welcome to the Potters," Lily laughed as they stood by the entrance.

"You never told me they were loaded," she muffled as they made their way past the entrance and into the large hallway laced with real ruffles of snow on the ground. The center held a gigantic Christmas tree with hanging ornaments that sparkled and reflected against every mirroring light within the room. Christmas ivy and holly twirled around the staircases, bushels lining the walls, and mistletoe hanging in every opening hallway. "This is the craziest thing I have ever seen."

"Yup," Lily laughed as she had experienced similar shock the year before.

They walked slowly around the room, Lily allowing Sienna to take it all on in. They wondered over to the back and into the grand foyer that housed all the dancing couples. Behind them, layers and piles of food were being served to those gobbling them. The room was so crowded Lily wondered how she would ever find James in this mess.

"Lily!" she heard a cry from afar and turned to see Marlene and two other girls striding towards her.

"Marlene," Lily said, taking a deep breath before hugging her old roommate pleasantly.

"It's been so long! I can't believe you're here!" Marlene added in an undertone, and Lily didn't doubt some level of shock had to exist considering the last time she saw Lily, she was crying in James's arms begging him not to leave her.

"James invited me," she offered with a timid smile and Sienna squeezed her shoulder reassuringly.

Marlene looked over at Sienna and did a double take. "Oh, hello, I'm Marlene. Lily's former roommate at Hogwarts."

"Lily's current roommate in Cornwall," Sienna said shaking her hand with a striking smile. "I've heard so much about you."

"It's nice to meet you," Marlene said kindly enough though Lily saw the other girls look her up and down, and Lily realized one of them looked fairly familiar.

"This is Dorcas Meadows and Emmeline Vance," Marlene pointed and Lily remembered the tanned girl now, and further remembered how she had stared at her with confused disbelief.

"We met in Cornwall," Lily said politely to Dorcas.

She nodded, and Lily once more felt her confused disbelief.

"You two have met?" Marlene asked.

"Yes, actually I saw her with Sirius in Cornwall," Lily shared but she couldn't help notice the significant look that passed between the two girls. "How do you all know each other?"

The silence was overlapping and Sienna and Lily exchanged looks this time with Sienna clearly telling her, weird friends!

"We actually joined James and Sirius at the Auror Academy," Marlene replied finally and Lily's heart stuttered. She knew that already but why did it sound so dubious?

"You decided to become an Auror?" Sienna offered for Lily's benefit as the silence stretched.

"Not exactly, we're more assisting then anything…"

"Right," Sienna said as she looked over at Lily with lifted eyebrows. "That was super informative."

Obviously, there was a key element of information Lily and Sienna were missing, but the girls weren't offering and Lily wasn't a detective, she was a Healer.

"How's Mary doing?" she asked, changing the subject and the three girls relaxed.

"Oh, great! She's been working at this Apothecary in Diagon Alley. Snarky as ever, complaining about all the animal insides she needs to dissect and in lust with her trainer, of course," Marlene laughed, and Lily joined at the recognizable concept of Mary's dramatics.

"I was in Diagon Alley yesterday. Actually, that's where I ran into James…"

"Oh, that's so good! I'm so glad you two patched it up!" Marlene said genuinely happy and took Lily into her arms and gave the reluctant Lily a hug.

"Did more then patch it up," Sienna muttered under her breath and Lily's eyes widened at the statement.

"What?" Marlene asked but before she could inquire further the girl named Emmeline raised her hands and pointed at Lily.

"Wait! You're Lily Evans? The Lily Evans? As in Potter's Lily Evans?"

Lily's mouth opened slightly too bewildered to actually form a real sentence. "I guess…"

"Bloody hell! I cannot believe I'm meeting you! You knew this?" she accused to Dorcas who rolled her eyes. "Marlene, why didn't you say anything?"

Marlene seemed to be at her own shock for words, looking at Lily apologetically at her friend's semblance of control. "Well…"

Emmeline came forward again and took Lily's hand, shaking it heartily. "It's a pleasure to meet you. Truly."

"Uhh…" but even Sienna was looking at her with perplexed eyes.

Before the conversation could henceforth, Lily felt a tug on her back before she was twisted into strong arms. James took one glance into her eyes before giving her an earth shattering kiss that left many of the friends behind him chuckling, and others claiming, "So he wasn't lying!" and "Potter really did get Evans!"

When he decided to release her, he looked down at her piercingly, his hard breath feeling intimate against her cheeks. And all Lily wanted, in that moment, was to get him alone. His darkening eyes telling her he was thinking the same yearning.

"It's only been a few hours but I've missed you desperately like no one should have to miss anyone," he whispered tenderly for her ears only.

She brought her hands up to his upper arms and clutched his tightly. "I feel the same."

Realizing that escaping into the night to make wild love wasn't an option, he allowed Lily to take a step back in turn allowing him to get a good glimpse of her gown. He went stock still as he held her firmly at her forearms. His eyes were moving back and forth over her body, making her feel heated under his penetrating gaze. The room was left behind, the noise a playful hum and all was left was she in James's arms and him glancing at her as if she was the most extraordinary creature he had ever witnessed.

His hand traced over the silky material before tracing towards her hip. He looked down and Lily's breath caught in her throat as his eyes sparkled with obvious rapture. "You are by far the most beautiful person."

Lily blushed a deep red and the chatter of the room zoomed back into her like a boomerang. But even with the stares and the jokes, James was holding her in his arms like he was a fortunate man holding a precious gift.

"Mine," he said silkily as he ran his fingers through her loosely tousled hair and back down. "You're all mine."

"Yes," she affirmed as she draped her arms around his neck and gazed into his eyes. "I've always been."

"And always will be," he said, before bringing her lips back to his. They kissed passionately as his hands brought her closer to his longing body and she held onto him tighter, enjoying the rush of affection racing through her veins. It all seemed to fit…

Lily, when her lips were finally dislodged from James's, his arms still wrapped protectively around her, came face to face with not only the girls (who were openly gapping) but all three of James's former roommates and a batch of boys she had never met before. Uncomfortably with everyone staring at her, and obvious public display, Lily tried to shrink further into James's arms but to no avail as James was puffing his chest proudly. Lily groaned, what a prat.

"Well, that has developed," Marlene uttered, breaking the silence and Lily couldn't help grinning as Sirius whooped.

"Evans," Sirius stated amused as he came forward and took her out of James's arms and twirled her around the room as she squeaked. He put her down, winking at a scowling James before looking besides her, his gaze falling upon Sienna. He immediately stood straighter, unconsciously smoothing out the jacket of his dress robes.

Meanwhile, Lily hugged Remus and Peter who smiled kindly at her while James glared fiercely at his friends as he took back Lily and settled her happily into the curve of his shoulder.

"Relax, James," Remus said and everyone laughed at James antics besides Sienna and an apparent hypnotized Sirius.

"This is Sienna, by the way. My best friend from Cornwall," she said casually. "Sirius, you remember Sienna?"

"You're roommate," Sirius murmured.

Marlene's head snapped towards Sirius. "How do you know that?"

Her question didn't seem to faze him or he didn't even realize he was being asked a question at all as his eyes were fixed on the blonde American. And his weren't the only ones.

Lily had always known that Sienna thrived under being the center of attention, and not in a conceited air but rather in her engagement towards others. Sienna genuinely cared to hear what people had to say and was truly fascinated when they discussed their opinions. People naturally gravitated towards her because of this. It was made even worse considering how absolutely stunning the girl was. And tonight she was dashing in her green tight dress that showed off every curve and her blonde hair bouncing in neat curls.

Peter and Remus stood there gapping, and even the older boys who joined James' entourage joined Sirius in staring at her stupidly. Sirius, for that matter, had obviously not been warned of Sienna's arrival. Lily looked up at James in an amused question, who shrugged his shoulders knowingly.

"What? He kept asking about all the bite marks on my neck in front of my parents," he said innocently that had Lily opening her mouth in protest.

"I did not bite you!"

"That you remember," he said smugly, kissing her on the lips before she could stomp on his foot.

With Sienna and Sirius building the sexual tension between them, those milling around them turned towards James, as making fun of him was easier at this point. "Potter, why don't you introduce us to this pretty thing."

"Yes, Potter. And tell us also how you managed to bag her in a matter of 48 hours since we last saw you crying about her," Emmeline added.

James hid his face in the curve of Lily's neck, hugging her from behind that sent burning tightness down her spine. "Lily," speaking to her solely and ignoring the smirks lining his friends. "These are friends of mine."

She giggled lightly in his arms and looked up at him. "How do you know these friends?"

The same awkward tension filled the air in the manner of when she had asked Marlene that question. Everyone seemed to look away and even Sirius broke his sexual tension with Sienna as he looked down. She was obviously missing something no one seemed willing to share with her, and suddenly she felt itchy in James's arms.

"Work," a tall, beefy redhead said. "Fabian Prewett," he supplemented, shaking her hand as she released herself from James arms. She looked besides him and saw his twin who gave her a friendly grin.

"Gideon Prewett," and she shook his hand too. "It's nice to finally meet you. We've heard James moan about you too much."

James frowned at the twins as a handsome, slim but built figure gave her a smile. "Benjy Fenwick."

Lily shook his hand and looked back at James who was running his hands now through his hair. "And you all know each other from… work?"

The question was directed to the entire group who seemed to be in on the secret but she focused her gaze on James who was still running his hands through his hair and refusing to look at her. Actually, he was looking at anything but her. "When do you have time to work between the Auror Academy?"

The silence was tangible and Lily wondered how stupid she was going to come off, seeing how apparent James and everyone around her was lying. Merlin, she was so stupid to think this could work out with no more bumps…

"Lily, how's school?" Remus asked and she was grateful for his attempt even as James avoidance made any joy dejected.

"It's good… hard."

"You're in Healer training, right?" the boy named Benjy asked, and Lily decided she wasn't going to think about why these people knew so much about her.

"Yup."

"That's very impressive," Benjy kept on.

"What's your specialty?" the girl named Emmeline asked eagerly.

She looked over at James who was glowering at the floor. "I'm actually training to be a Field Healer for the Aurors."

Silence stretched. She might not have been an investigator but this was too much. To obvious. The pointed stare between James and Sirius could not be ignored. Lily brought her hands around her elbows and reminded herself that this was James's way: never to be out right truthful with his thoughts or feelings. It always had been so why was she surprised now? Wasn't she stronger than this?

"Only Lily though! Me, I'm more into the children. Helping them stay still, alive. That sort of thing. They are our future after all," Sienna rushed out and Lily was thankful for the thousandth time for that Texan.

The boys started laughing at her comments, asking her questions about schooling in the States, and she in turn started flirting with them. Sirius seemed to become distracted that he would need to compete for Sienna's attention, and James made his way back towards Lily and put a tentative hand on her shoulder. She looked at him from the side before facing him.

A prickly awareness was overtaking her. All of this James business was starting to feel like one massive, virginity taking mistake. She looked despondently over at Sienna who gave her a gentle smile and an encouraging nod but her heart was sinking and maybe the romance, the ecstasy and the expectation was a… a dark dream that could never result in a happily ever after.

"I want to dance," James whispered as both his arms came to hug her waist. When she didn't answer right away, James's eyes became anxious. "Lily, please dance with me?"

She slowly nodded her head, and they left the chatting group without a word. Tight against James side, she reminded herself that her and James were a chance. She always knew there would be things they could never discuss considering his precarious situation. It was a balming thought, and anyways, did she really want to know the more hazardous moments of his job? In the end, it was about her being with James. What may be, will be, she temporarily decided.

So with that, she stopped James. He glanced down at her confused before she pushed his head to meet her lips. Rising onto the tops of her toes, she pushed her body more firmly into his, opening her mouth and allowing the kiss to deepen overpoweringly as his hands wrapped tightly around her waist with a pressure claiming he never wanted to let go. This, his lips moving against hers, his hands tangled around her body, was something she could believe in. It was something she could hold onto.

When they released each other breathlessly, dancing seemed to be the last though from James's mind, and she giggled at his wild eyes.

"Evans," he murmured mockingly.

"Taking me dancing, Potter."

James led her to the edge of the dance floor and gathered her into his arms. Their gazes were locked only for each other as the haunting and sweet melody of the waltz surrounded them. Lily had only waltzed one time before and that had been at the last Christmas party with James. But this time, as James brought his hand to her back and she lifted her own to his shoulder, it felt very different. In front of the entire hall, with all to bare witness, James finally got the girl and she felt a pang of deep sorrow that this could have been hers much earlier if she had only let it be.

And then he swept her off her feet.

They passed by other couples that looked down upon them but the two only had eyes for each other. "I never want to let you go. You're so beautiful," he murmured.

"You mentioned that," she said with a sly smile as she brought her hand a bit higher to play with the ends of his hair.

"I'll keep mentioning it too. I wish I knew more adjectives to tell you in different ways how beautiful you look tonight."

There was a seriousness that resided in his tone that had never been there during Hogwarts, and Lily admired the way he had grown up. As his strong arms glided her across the dance floor, she realized the marauder in James very much still existed but the mischievous aspect dimmed. It disquieted her with a thirst to bring the old James back forth, hoping the resurgence of their relationship would bring much needed jolt of joy. For she had become so joyful in the last twenty-four hours.

He seemed to take a deep breath of her scent and pull him closer to his embrace and Lily, of course, went willingly. In that moment, under the dazzling chandeliers and Christmas lights, nothing could go wrong. She was living in a heavenly dream; one she had been so sure would never materialize. His arms were secure, leading her around the dance floor to the rhythm and she followed only his eyes. And she knew, his promise of hearts of hearts, without words or explanations, that for him Lily had always been and will always be his number one.

The song ended, and James didn't let go but kept her close, guiding her as a new song began. "If you don't mind, I want to dance with you for the rest of the night."

She nodded but added pertly, "I hope not all night…"

James gave her rough stare and his hands grasped her firmer. "You keep that up and my Mom will chainsaw me down the middle."

"Why is that?"

"Because the two of us will be caught with our trousers down making inappropriate noise in the house elves closet down the hall."

Lily giggled, smiling happily and he looked down at her with the same look. "Wouldn't want that would we?"

And so they continued and Lily felt like she was flying. When their feet tired they retreated only to meet up with their friends. Sienna and Sirius seemed to have elevated to the next step of their flirtations with Sirius hands tracing lightly at her back and Sienna's eyes twinkling as she laid a light hand on his thigh. They drank merrily, joked about pranks, and sniggered in reminisce about old teachers, filling Sienna in on Lily's days at Hogwarts and sharing tales of misfortune.

The cheery and drunken air of the group was calming, a sense of deep understanding between them for these people knew each other since they were eleven and things she might have had to explain to others, she didn't really need to explain to them – because they knew her. Granted, she was much closer to Sienna but that didn't change the fact that when she discussed the pranks between the Marauders, the rivalries between friends, the detentions shared, these people understood immediately what she was referring too, a closeness that could never be replaced.

Lily, who was feeling tipsy and aroused with James hands lingering low behind her thigh, excused herself to the ladies room, Sienna followed with a drunk, lingering gaze on Sirius. Lily smiled coyly at James who had been whispering stirring words throughout the event, informing him she was momentarily returning. He insisted on pulling her into his lap and kissing her goodbye zealously, and in front of everyone. Lily would have blushed if she hadn't been drinking but instead kissed him back just as zealously, cupping his face in her hands swinging her legs giddily. As walked away, she was sure to swing her hips invitingly. She heard James groan.

The two drunk girls laughed loudly through the line at random instances, holding each other upright as they were to intoxicated to stand still.

"It seems like things are moving well with you and Sirius," Lily intoned.

"Lily! You and James can't stop touching each other!"

"We can't, can we?" Lily said gleefully, as they walked out of the room and back into the packed one.

They held hands as they made their way back when they bumped hard into a few shoulders and sniggered as they tried to move away without notice until the side profile of one of the shoulders caught Lily's eye.

"Samson!" Lily cried happily, and the man turned fully around in surprise before Lily hugged their fellow friend, and then Sienna hugged Lily from behind.

"Lily! Sienna," he said merrily as he wrapped his long arms around the two girls, reaching all the way to Sienna's back. "What are you girls doing here?"

"We didn't know you would be here!" Sienna said completely knackered now, as none of them were willing to let each other go.

"Are you here alone?" Lily asked and then a dread entered her heart because suddenly a name flashed like a neon light: Smetty.

They finally released each other and Lily's panicked eyes flew to his and Samson cupped her cheek seeing the despair on her face. "Lily, are you okay?"

She shook her head hurriedly and looked over at Sienna who seemed to realize the same thing with huge eyes. "Samson, are you here alone?"

The demand was clear and Samson raised his eyebrows at the two smashed girls, pretending he wasn't just as sloshed as them. "What you two hiding?"

"Nothing!" They said in unison, but the red cheeks and the twitching eyes made Samson begin to laugh hysterically.

"Samson," someone said from the background and Lily saw in horror as Benjy Fenwick approached them. "I see you've met these two lovely ladies."

"Met? Me and these girls go way way back."

"You two know each other?" Lily yelped flustered.

Benjy seemed humored by Lily's obvious drunkenness, unsure if he should take her seriously or not. "We were in Ravenclaw together. How do you guys know each other?"

Lily jumped, literally, in front of Samson to hush him as he opened his mouth. "Yes, me and Samson, and Sienna," she added as Sienna's dignified cough, "are old school friends from Cornwall. Yes, yes. No other connection like boyfriend or romantic connection. As you can tell, so you can shuffle now and not mention to anyone about any romantic connection I do not have."

Benjy and Samson, both seemed unsure how to take Lily's minor tirade but before they could go further Sirius walked towards them and put a hand on Lily's shoulder. "Problem?"

Before he could continue, Sirius's gaze met Samson's, who before was taking every little thing the girls were saying in cute humor. Now his gaze narrowed at Sirius.

"Black," Samson said.

"Levy," Sirius said and Lily snapped her head towards him for she was sure she didn't know Samson's last name. "I thought I knew you from somewhere."

"Me too," he nodded. But Samson was now looking between Sirius and Sienna and though it was horrible, and wrong, and bad of her, she realized that any suspiciousness that Samson had lay between Sirius and Sienna, not her.

"So you invite these two girls?" he asked casually and Lily looked at Sienna urgently. Sienna seemed to get the message, uncaring that this rappaport would head straight to Caleb.

"Something like that," Sirius said but before he could elaborate Sienna wrapped her arms around him, causing him to let go of Lily, and Sienna smiled up at Sirius. He was surprised at the sudden progression but was happy to comply until Sienna smacked her lips against his. He stood stock still (actually they all did) as Sienna moved enthusiastically against him. After a second, however, Sirius gained his wits and the two started drunkenly snogging in the middle of the hall, Sirius's hands moving dangerously low.

Samson gapped at Lily who gapped right back at him because when her wild eyes met Sienna's she had not expected that.

Sienna released herself from him and ignored his groan of protest, as she smiled right into his face, which seemed to mesmerize her every feature. "Hey," he murmured darkly.

"Hey," she responded with an enticing smile. "Wanna dance?"

Sirius just nodded his head and followed Sienna's lead to the dance floor and Lily thought watching them dance was watching something entirely inappropriate.

"When did that happen?" Samson asked. "I thought she was with Caleb…"

"I uh I uh…" but she trailed off looking for anything to help her thinking of something but her brain fuzzed as she made smoldering eye contact with James. He looked so attractive in his dress robes. "Oh! Look there's the Potters. I should go say hi," Lily rushed so she could just be close to him.

"You know the Potters?"

Samson wasn't stupid. Just like Lily wasn't stupid. But if the two of them had been a bit more sober they may have been able to solve this together because Samson was a rational actor. He had no invested interest in either Lily or Sienna outside of friendship. Yes, he was friends with Smetty and Caleb, but he was also friends with Lily and Sienna. So they could most definitely have solved this like the two Healer students they were. Entering Healing was, after all, the hardest profession in the Wizarding community. Everyone knew that.

But the fact of the matter was that Lily was one step from hammered and Samson had obviously been playing drinking games all night. No, nothing was going to be resolved between two drunken friends.

"I'm friends with their son," she uttered stupidly.

"James?"

But Lily had already turned around pretty much running over to the Potter's who were idly chatting. She didn't think for one moment how James had spent the night with her, how they had pretty much been caught with their trousers down this morning or that her and James hadn't officially decreed themselves a couple. None of that mattered less as she made her way over to the Potters. All in unison they noticed her approach.

"Lily, dear!" Mrs. Potter said excitedly as she took her into her arms and gave her a big hug. Mr. Potter was next and James grumbled besides them as he tried to remove Lily from his father's grip but for whatever reason Lily remained there. She liked the feeling the comfort offered.

"Oh, we were so excited when James told us he was taking you on a date!" Mrs. Potter exclaimed and Lily blushed as she made eye contact with a frustrated James who once more tried pulling her out of her father's arms but was shushed away.

"Mum!" James protested but his father just smacked him across his messy hair.

"James, can't we be happy for the two of you?" Mr. Potter asked affronted.

Lily bit her lip from smiling, "Yeah, James. Can't they just be happy for us."

James gaze met hers and his charmed face sparked a smile that had Lily's pulse beating roughly against her skin. She was sure Mr. Potter felt it, especially as the two Potter's looked over their heads and seemed to smile knowingly at each other.

Mr. Potter let Lily go and she seemed to gravitate towards James who took her readily into his arms. "Want to take a walk with me?"

She nodded, breathless just by his stare. And he led them out, out of the crowd, away from their friends, and into the enchanting gardens of Potter Manor. He started by holding her hands as they walked by the many flowers suspended near them, but his arm moved to her shoulder, eventually down to her waist until he was clutching her close to him with Lily's arms wrapped tight around him.

The Christmas lights were twinkling in the background, escorting the path as they walked to the glittering gazebo in the distance that overlooked the Potter's pond.

"I've wanted you alone all night," James said, breaking the silence.

She turned to look at him, stopping to kiss his open neck. "I've wanted you to take me away all night."

He stopped them, their footsteps crunching against the granite of the path. "Lily, you need to know…"

Her heart was beating terrifically against her chest knowing his words would only be a revelation leading them to the future securely or one that would be a cracking sidewalk.

"Yes?"

"There's so much going on with the war, with the Death Eaters. You have no idea how horrible it is," he started, his voice distraught and Lily brought a hand up to his cheek and cupped it, forcing him to look back down at her. He curled his hand around hers and held it there. "I just want to protect you…"

"We've talked about this," she said unsurely.

He twisted away from her, her hand falling but still twined with his. "No, you have no idea the horrors and atrocities I see every day! The death and torture! You think it's only spells out there, it's so much worse than that."

"James…" hesitant on what he was implying. "You're only in the Academy."

"You think I'm only in the Academy! Of course not! I'm not in the Academy, I never even started the Academy!" he yelled, stomping away and Lily looked after him as he marched angrily to the gazebo. She should follow him, she knew she should but she didn't know what to do because all the puzzles were falling slowly into place. She had known when Sirius appeared in Cornwall, from the weird conversation with Marlene, the even weirder with James.

When she saw his shadow stand isolated in the gazebo and the distance that once more existed between them, her heart ached so intently that tears sprang to her eyes. She found herself running towards him, the only option she ever wanted to run too. And when she reached him, he grabbed her into his arms, holding her against him like he knew running would never do them any good. She would keep chasing and he would keep waiting.

"You have no idea the danger I'm in," he whispered roughly against her head but she hugged him, kissing his robes and looking at him with her tears.

"James, I don't care. I never did. You're all I've ever wanted."

He looked down at her desperately. "Me too."

"Then be with me," she told him back just as desperately. She stepped on her toes and cupped both his cheeks. "Just be with me. That's all I've ever wanted."

He looked so torn, so confused that Lily kissed him. To remind him how good it felt, how perfect they fit against one and other. How that all consuming feeling, that was rare. That was only them. Not everyone felt it. So she crushed her lips to his, pulling him close, deepening the kiss and losing themselves in each other because that's all they had. He lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist causing them to sway and he looked up at her when he released her lips, the starlight behind them.

"I have two weeks till I have to go back," he said brokenly, touching their lips again.

"Me too," she said breathing hard against him.

"It's different-" he started but Lily wouldn't let him finish so she wrapped her legs harder against him, letting him push her against the wall of the gazebo and reach under her dress to rip her panties. She kissed him fiercely as he unzipped his trousers because she didn't want to hear the words that their time was limited or that he was in danger. So when he thrust into her, she cried out deeply into the dark night knowing she would take him anyway she could. She wanted him, she needed him, he was all she saw when she looked into the future.

So she responded to his movements, no matter how tough he pushed within her because he felt so good, he made her feel so good because James was everywhere. And when they locked eyes and she felt his warm breath against her face, she clamped around him and climaxed, gripping his shoulder tightly as he thrust only harder and faster. She cried out deeply as he kept going, filling her, completing her, lost in his touch, his body, his pleasure. She opened her husky eyes, laying her sweaty head against his forehead. She wanted to spend every everlasting moment that she could with him, and when they got to the final spell they would deal with it then.

+++

Lily woke the next morning feeling more groggy and disoriented than the morning before. She was naked, again. But her back felt a bit worse for wear; mortified to remember how her and James shagged against the gazebo wall!

She looked at James still slumbering face and shook him awake. "Wa-what?" he whined as Lily sat up against the headboard, grabbing the blanket to be sure he wouldn't get distracted, and looked down horrified at him.

"We had sex in the gazebo last night! What if someone saw?" she shrieked in a whisper.

James half opened his eyes and looked blearily over her rumpled state and pulled lamely at the blanket. She let it fall as he pulled her across his chest. "Lily, be reasonable. We also did it in bed later."

She smacked him across the chest and he laughed at her agitated state. "Be serious. If anyone saw…"

"No one saw, sweetheart. Now come here and give me a proper Christmas greeting."

In her hangover haze, she had completely forgotten it was Christmas. She lay atop him, enjoying the feeling of their naked chests together. She kissed his chapped lips and smiled. "Happy Christmas, James."

"Happy Christmas, Lily," he repeated, running his hands up and down her body.

She giggled at his touch, feeling his length stir beneath him and rolled away. "James! We can't, you're mum is probably preparing Christmas breakfast as we speak."

He pouted at her refusal every time she did refuse him, especially when she climbed into the shower and didn't let him join. She gleamed under the warm spray and when she climbed out, James was standing there completely naked brushing his teeth.

Two could play that game she thought and let her towel drop and walked out of the bathroom unashamed as she pulled on one of his pajama flannel shirts and a pair of old boxer briefs. He stared at her with his mouth wide open and she came over to him and lifted his chin closed.

"You best shower, love," she winked before turning away.

While he showered, Lily lounged on his bed, and smiled as she watched him dry off and put on a fresh pair of pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt.

"Like what you see?" he laughed as he came over to her and sat beside her laying form. She blushed as she nodded and he stroked her hair. "Want your Christmas present now or later?"

She shot up and looked at him. "James, I didn't have time to get you a pre-"

He kissed her quiet. "It's not anything new, I've actually had it for years. My dad gave it to me when he realized… Well, anyways, here."

He dropped a necklace into her hand and she looked down to find the matching necklace to her doe, expect instead of a doe lay a stag that was shining brightly in her hand.

"James… it's…"

"I want you to have something of mine, so you can remember why your Patronus is a doe," he said, kissing her lush lips at her continued silence.

She hugged him tightly and put it on, a similar sensation when she put her doe necklace on but this time instead of inherent warmth it was a vibrant haven. "I love it so much," she whispered fiercely as she kissed him lazily for a long, long time.

When they settled down enough, after serious heavy petting, they made their way out of James's bedroom, arm in arm and were about to walk to the staircase when a creak by the door had them pausing. They turned around and were faced with one seriously rumpled Sirius and an even more rumpled Sienna, who groaned at their open mouths.

"Oh, this is too good," Lily laughed at Sienna in last nights dress and seemed, for the first time in her life, speechless. "Sirius you could have least given her a pair of old pajamas."

"I knew it!" James yelled. "I knew you guys snuck off!"

"Whatever, at least we didn't bang in the gazebo," Sirius muttered as he wrapped a hand around Sienna and tugged her close, and who seemed happy to comply. "Want some old pajamas?"

Lily's eyes widened and she struck James hard against his chest. "I told you people could see us!"

[evansnjames]

Catch Me in the Library

AN: I love these stories considering how James and Lily finally got together! So without further ado another one. It's a bit off cannon because I planned this before we found out the background of the Potters.

You can find it at ff.net here!

+++

Library, end of Sixth Year

Attraction was a fickle thing, James Potter's father used to say to him when he would come home during Fourth and Fifth Year and complain about redhead Lily Evans and how she ignored his many advances. It was fickle and fleeting and eventually he would find another girl to strike his interest. That dynamic cycle never seemed to happen to him, therefore, his attraction seemed destined and determined to remain on that fired up redhead. His advances on her were not happily reciprocated no matter how much effort he would put into it. It seemed that Lily Evans refusing him was just another sad joke.

But James was many things and a quitter was not one of them – persistent was, however. But this would be the last time! After this, he had promised himself, no more. If she said yes or no James would take her word for it and move on because like his father always said, attraction was a fickle thing.

But she would say 'yes' this time. James was convinced that after his year of hard work, Lily had finally come around. So with that arrogance, James strutted into the library and plopped himself across from Lily.

"What, Potter?" she asked without looking up.

"Knew it was me, did you?" he asked smirking at her but at her deadly silence James nodded his head dumbly. This was not going to end well. "Just came for a chat."

His tone was loud enough that he received a stern hush from Madame Pince and Lily just glared at him instead of actually responding. But at least she looked up, so James took points were he could.

"You're distracting me, Potter. I'm trying to study," she said pointedly at the books surrounding her.

"Point taken. But-" he emphasized. "The summer is around the corner."

She looked up at him with bored eyes, "How about we start from the end? I don't have time from your dramatic speeches."

Right. "I think it's about time you agreed to go out with me."

"Why?"

"What?" he asked stupidly.

"You've been asking me out for years, so why should I go out with you?"

James looked at her like she was mad, unsure exactly how to move forward and decided maybe he should learn from her words and keep it laconic. "I thought you said you don't have time for my dramatic speeches."

She involuntarily smiled at his play at her own words but then shifted it quickly back to a sardonic smile. "This is your chance to explain to me what I have been missing by saying no to you all these years. Explain to me the man that is James Potter."

"You're serious?"

"Completely."

He took a moment to consider her words thinking what he should say and was panicked when he suddenly came up blank. Why should Lily go out with him? It had always been that she should, less so why.

"That's what I thought," she said cuttingly. "No thanks."

James stared blankly at her as she returned to her textbook.

"Lily," he said derisively.

She didn't answer him and the silence between the two seemed engulfing. How could she be so… mean? Everyone liked him expect for one Lily Evans. He didn't harass her half as much as he used too, stopped hexing people in the middle of the corridors and only received 12 detentions the entire year! Yes, he had asked her out a few moments this past year but he had been so convinced he had been on the right track. So why was she being so mean?

"Lily," he said again causing her to glance up at him before looking back down. "Lily!"

"What?" she snapped.

"What do you mean 'no'? That's it, you're not going to expand on it?" he asked, and realized he was angry. She was so cavalier with his emotions.

She looked up at him blankly and said, "No, as in I have absolute no interest in going out with you at all, Potter."

"I thought we became friends this year!" his voice rising and he ignored the obvious stares from his fellow students.

"We aren't friends, don't fool yourself. I tolerate you at best."

James gapped at her harsh words, offended and hurt. "You know, Lily. I always believed under that cold interior that a heart of gold must lie there. I mean there had to be a reason I kept coming back to you of all girls."

"Good, I'm glad you've realized the truth. Can you go now? I'm trying to study. I, unlike you, care about school."

But James didn't get up because he just couldn't comprehend the fact that Lily could be so cruel after he truly believed they had become friends this past year. "Don't be so cold, Evans."

She sighed loudly and looked him over. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It takes a lot for someone to sit in front of you and ask you out. If you plan to say no than you can at least be civilized about it."

Lily seemed taken aback. "Look, you've asked me out so many times-"

"54," he said to her rhetoric point.

She appeared shocked that he knew the number (of course he knew the number!), stumbling lightly over the rest of her thought. "Right, 54… How many times do I need to tell you that I'm just not interested and for you to stop?"

"But why?" he demanded, and if she could ask questions like that then so could he. And if this would be the last time he asked her out he wanted answers.

"I'm not interested."

"But why?" he repeated more forcefully.

"You really want to know?"

"YES."

A hush fell upon them as the two glared fiercely at each other. They felt Madame Pince's glower but ignored it.

"You're arrogant."

"We know that already."

"Yeah, well just because we know that already it doesn't make it go away! You're arrogant so you have absolute no consideration for other people who you think are lesser than you. You strut around as if you own the place, well you don't! There are people who work hard to achieve what comes so naturally to you. And not everyone is obsessed with the holy James Potter!"

"Just because things come easily to me you are refusing my proposal for a date?" He asked cynically.

"I'm refusing your proposal for a date because you don't know what hard work means!"

James ears were steaming. "You are such a snob."

Lily gapped at his remark because James Potter might have been a bully and arrogant but he never out right was rude to her before. "You have some decency showing up here at my study table and insulting me!"

"Well you have some decency throwing all those insults at me!" he said standing up now and yelling.

"Well you asked for it! What was I supposed to do, lie?"

Her eyes were seething and she could just knew they were one step away from getting kicked out of the library and she didn't care because James Potter drove her mad and made her forget everything around her.

Meanwhile, everyone around them was staring. It wasn't unusual to see Lily and James fighting publically as it happened frequently and they did without shame. The whispering around them though was hushed with a vicious silence this time as it was more brutal than usual.

"You are so high up there in your own arrogance that you can barely come down and spend time with us peasants to realize how superior you see yourself!"

Her gaze was blazing red as she got up from her seat now too. "You're disgusting!"

"At least I can see I live in my present and not stick to the past!" Staring down at her with all his height.

"Stick to the past!" she was yelling now. "Please! Just because you are better at hiding your inflated ego doesn't make it not there!"

Madame Pince was marching over at them now as the two stood opposite each other, their gazes hard and unforgiving.

"I've never met a more stubborn and obnoxious person in my life," James growled at her.

"THEN STOP ASKING ME OUT!"

The heat between them seemed to evaporate as Madame Pince who was now storming towards them, pointed her wand and screamed for them to get out of her library. Lily collected her belongings hastily as James didn't even wait for her. He briskly left without a second glance.

"Oh no you don't, Mr. Potter!" Madame Pince shrieked as Lily avoided the red sparks blasting from her wand. "You two are banned, I never want to see your loud mouths in this quiet place again!"

"But- but finals! We're am I supposed to study?!" Lily asked desperately as papers began falling out of her hands, the consequences of her rash actions starting to penetrate.

"Maybe you should have thought that before you made a ruckus in my library, Miss Evans!" With that she closed the library swinging doors in her face and Lily was left standing in the middle of the hall, with James.

"See what you did! That's all you do, get in trouble! And you drag other, innocent people down with you," she cried.

"Have it your way, Evans. Evading responsibility as always," he muttered as he started walking away.

"Yeah well!" she shouted at his back. "Stay out of my way, Potter."

"Sounds good," and all she saw was him dragging his backpack as he rounded the corner and disappeared.

Lily remained hazard as she wondered what exactly had just transpired.

+++

Sixth Year Girls Dormitory, Gryffindor, same day

Lily sank into her bed and glared at her hangings. Marlene and Mary looked over at her knowingly.

"Spit it out," Lily mumbled as she tilted her head into her pillow and looked at her two roommates out of the corner of her eye.

"Nothing, we just heard about your altercation with one James Potter," Marlene stated with an impish smile that had Lily scowling.

"Wanker," Lily muttered that had the two girls now smiling at each other over her head.

"Want to tell us what happened as the entire school is buzzing that this was the best James and Lily fight yet?" Mary asked saccharinely as Marlene nodded her head in agreement.

Lily groaned before getting up. "I really don't know! I was minding my own business when here comes James Potter, all high and mighty, and what does he do but ask me out, again! And then he demanded an explanation."

Marlene seemed to nod teasingly. "Sure," she drawled. "And I'm sure you were super nice too him too."

"Yeah," Mary agreed. "Totally, realizing that asking someone out when they have rejected them so many times must be nerve wracking."

"54," Lily said absentmindedly, rubbing her hair.

"What?" Marlene asked as an evil smile formed her face.

Lily's eyes grew wide as she realized her mistake and slapped a hand over her mouth. "Nothing."

"54? James has asked you out 54 times? Interesting tidbit you've got there," Mary cracked.

"No! I mean, James told me that," Lily retreated but Marlene and Mary didn't look convinced that had Lily's defensive walls building. "It's not like that. And anyways, I told him no."

"Surprise," Mary said sarcastically and flopped onto her bed.

Lily scoffed at her reaction and tried to get assurance from Marlene, as if she was any more rational (and Lily knew better). "I don't know what you expected. I just don't like him."

"Lily," Marlene said smoothly. "You just don't want too. No offense but we all know you fancy him."

Lily's mouth dropped open. Yes, maybe she had been paying more attention to James lately but only because he had been so successful in classes without trying! She thought she had kept her staring down to a minimum but obviously that wasn't enough. "I do not."

"We've all seen you gawk at him-" Mary started.

"I do not gawk!"

"Fine, ogle," Mary compensated as if ogle was better than gawk.

"Ogle, gawk, whatever you want to call it doesn't qualify as fancying. Which I don't!"

Marlene let out a long sigh and looked over at Mary. "She's a lost cause. No hope there."

"Hey!" Lily interrupted. "Don't talk about me like I'm not here. It's rude."

"It's just sad. Poor James," Mary intoned.

"'Poor James'! What about 'poor Lily' for Merlin's sake! For having to deal with his rubbish all these years," Lily declared.

Marlene shook her head and came over to Lily and stroked her long, red hair as if she was talking to a stubborn child. Lily didn't appreciate it. "Lily, the bloke has had a crush on your for almost three years now. And you just become more vicious in your rejections of him, no matter how much he really has changed."

"Change? What change?" Lily uttered astounded.

It seemed no talking or further encouragement was going to change Lily's mind. The two girls knew once Lily's mind was set only very drastic measures could alter it. They figured they would let fate take its course. For James was right in one sense, Lily's stubbornness was something to be reckoned with.

+++

On-the-move-to-the-Kitchens, later that night

"So you think you won't ever speak to her again?" Peter asked as he tried keeping up in step with James, Remus, and Sirius's long footsteps.

James sighed as if he had answered this question one to many times already. "Wormtail, sometimes there is so much a bloke can take from a bird. No matter how good looking she might be."

Sirius sniggered next to him and James gave a small smile in response but kept walking. He was in a foul mood, today just hadn't been his day. And food always seemed to alleviate him; Lily's horrid rejections only encouraged his midnight binge to the kitchens.

"But-But I thought you more than just fancied her?" Peter remarked unthinking.

James stopped in his tracks and looked over his small friend. "How can I possibly fancy someone who won't even talk to me as if I am a human with feelings?"

Peter had no response to this, and also seemed a bit unprepared for James quick retort. But James didn't feel like lingering on the subject, so he turned away and kept walking to his destination. He was tired of discussing Evans many dismissals of him, tired of being rejected, and exhausted of fancying someone who so obviously distained him.

Yes, James Potter was beat. Over it, not yet. But that would come, with time he assumed. After all, Evans was not the only bird in the sea.

+++

Hogwarts Express, back home for the summer

"Get us something good!" Lily heard behind her as she slid the door open to their compartment. She looked over at the lunch trolley. Across from it stood James. They looked at each other clumsily.

"That will be ten Sickles, dear," the lady behind the lunch trolley told James as she handed him vast amounts of treats.

He looked over at her as if she was surprised to see someone speaking to him. "Oh, yeah," as he handed over the money.

He glanced back at Lily who was trying to think of something clever to say but before she could open her mouth James swiftly turned away and Lily felt a small, tiny ache in her heart before ignoring it and looking over her options.

+++

Lily's House, Midsummer

Lily lounged around on her bed, enjoying the summer sun beating against her light skin from the open window. With no finals resting over her shoulders, and still a few weeks away from her annual Hogwarts letter, Lily was free to be normal for a few weeks. Whatever normal was in a house full Muggles and her being a seventeen-year-old witch.

But being seventeen did have its perks as she could finally perform magic at home. She helped her mother keep her plants in shape and upright, magically cleaned the dishes and hard-to-get-places. She even helped Dad fix his broken lawnmower though her magic seemed to fizzle whenever she neared electricity as she learned with the plug of the toaster the other day…

So her lazy, hazy and humid summer continued much in that progression, and Lily very much enjoyed wearing sundresses and sandals; her mom even buying her a few more for the school year. Not that she would have anywhere to go in them…

For this day, Lily had planned on taking a walk around her old school gardens and was just about to take a shower when Marlene's owl, Darcy, flew right in through her window with a swish. She smiled gleefully. She had spoken to her friends regularly, and she ripped open her letter happily as she patted Darcy on the head who hooted in pleasure.

Dear Lily,

Sorry for the bad news. James Potter's mother died last night from Dragon Pox. We are all planning on going to the funeral. It's tomorrow at eleven thirty in the morning in Somerset. Would you like to meet up before and come with us? Owl me back, I told Darcy to wait for your answer.

Love, Marlene

+++

Somerset, Mrs. Potter's Funeral

The funeral itself was brutal. It was also Lily's first funeral. Her first Wizard funeral to boot. Suffix to say, she was ill prepared for the funeral. Because Lily Evans was many things and suppressing her feelings was one of the things she did best. So as the idea of death floated across the room, Lily found herself holding back real tears as Sirius Black wiped his eyes. This whole funeral thing was actually having a funny effect on her. Not that it was all about her, she added grotesquely to her selfish thoughts. After all, watching a classmate bury his mother was hard enough without her having to imagine her burying her own mother!

She sat with Marlene's family in one of the middle rows, and when the ceremony concluded, she got up with them and stood inaudibly as they chatted quietly with a few of their friends. Lily gazed up at the front row where Mr. Potter was surrounded by friends. Sirius, Remus and Peter were lingering somewhere in a corner but Lily noticed immediately that James was standing very still in the shadow of his mother's gravestone. His face was desolate, lost, as if he couldn't believe these events actually happened, and that it happened to him. James had been spoiled his entire life with good friends, heritage and love; facing such grief must have seemed like an improbability.

Lily knew very well the last words between her and James had been harsh and mean and they hadn't spoken since their escapade in the library. Their last exchange of glances had been awkward at best on the train station but those moments didn't seem to stop Lily walking silently over to her classmate, and found nothing odd in laying a comforting hand on his shoulder as if they had been long friends. And in a since they had been.

He didn't flinch from her touch but he didn't acknowledge it right away either. Lily wasn't offended or upset but rather squeezed his arm lightly and held even tighter. He acquiesced it by twining their arms. The two of them together then stood over Mrs. Potter's grave. And Lily Evans wasn't particularity known for her comforting ways but James would remember the soft hold of her hand in the years to come.

+++

McKinnon Household, Same Day

"I saw you standing with James," Marlene said casually as she removed her black dress and put on a nightshirt.

Lily smiled sadly. "Yeah…"

"That all the two of you do?"

"Seriously, we literally just attended the poor bloke's mother's funeral."

"I was just stating what I saw, is all," she said as she lay on her bed and Lily pulled off her own black dress and put on her pajamas.

She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, I was just trying to offer him some support. He looked so lost. So unlike James. It was sad."

"Yeah," she said softly. Lily thought that was the end of the conversation until she heard Marlene's add: "Though I thought we were going to have to chainsaw you away from him."

Lily grunted into her pillow and turned to stare at her friend who was smiling mischievously at her. "You, are a horrible person."

"I'm just trying to spread the love in the air in times of sorrow and death."

Lily had no answer for that and decided maybe she should just drift off to sleep instead. But she couldn't deny that she had stood there for a long time with James. And when she had been informed she had to go, he had looked down at her with such a yearning for her to stay she almost hadn't left. But Lily was nothing if not perfectly logical. So she had let his hand go and walked away with the McKinnons.

Though not before she had transfigured a tree branch into a lily and gave it to him, kissing his cheek goodbye.

+++

Rest of Summer, 'how friends become more then that' letters

Dear James,

I wanted to write to check in. Obviously I will not ask you how you are feeling but I do hope that you know all your friends are thinking about you, including myself. Please let me know if you need anything!

Sincerely,

Lily

Dear Lily,

Getting your letter was by far the highlight of my entire summer. Who'd ever think that Lily Evans would send me, James Potter, a letter over summer hols? Even the biggest of believers never thought this day would dawn upon us (which may be true because I think Sirius may have been more excited than I was).

But thank you for your kind wishes and for being there last week. It helped me more than you could know.

Yours,

James

Dear James,

I can see your sprits are up and that your humor has returned (though I am quite glad to see you are feeling better!). And you know what they say about Aquarius's, always keeping people on their toes. Anyways, I thought the shock might force you out of bed but it seems you have done that all on your own. You're very impressive, James Potter.

Keep in touch!

Lily

Lily, you always impress me.

James

Dear James,

After all the hard work I put into my letter that is all you have to say? That is not a proper letter in the least and I do demand a more thought out one, thanks.

A Very Disappointed Lily Evans

Dear A Very Disappointed Lily Evans,

How is the rest of your summer going? The other day I was walking the lake of my house and was hoping one day I can show it to you. I think you would like it. Sirius left itching powder all over my bed sheets so I left hair growth in his shampoo. Dad was not amused. I can't wait to get back to Hogwarts, I'm going a bit stir crazy lately. The neighbors keep stopping by and pinching my cheeks and it's getting quite annoying. But I'm worried about leaving Dad alone. I think he is much sadder than he is letting on…

I hope this letter meets your qualifications and you are no longer disappointed. By the way, Sirius and me are going to Diagon Alley tomorrow if you feel like joining? It would be good to see another familiar face.

Yours,

A Highly Hopeful James Potter

James!

I can't believe you bought me that Potions cauldron without saying a word. I want to yell at you but I can't stop admiring it so I guess a thank you is in order. So, thank you. I love it. It's by far the best surprise I have ever received.

If your feeling bored, feel free to stop by and we can scare Petunia and her new boyfriend by Apparting in front of them. I can see her face now…

Lily

Lily, tell your mother she is a brilliant cook again, will you? I think I'm still full from that chicken potpie. I dreamt about it (don't you go spreading that around now). I wanted to let you know how much fun I had. It was the best day of my summer so far. Maybe we can watch telleeveegion (that's a hard word, don't know how you do it – especially when you're name is Vernon!) again. I liked watching the images flash by; too bad wizards don't have it.

James

James!

I got Head Girl! I'm so thrilled and my parents are very excited because its something they can actually understand and be proud of. You should come over and I can model the badge for you! Marlene has already played the mickey out me but I can't help it. I'm so happy. I think as Head Girl I can really bring some good change to that rusty castle. As long as I have someone halfway decent as Head Boy (hope its not a Slytherin!).

Lily

Dear Lily,

That's amazing… I'm very proud of you. You will definitely be an amazing Head Girl. No doubt in my mind. Speaking about Head Boy, though, I hope you don't mind it being me… Caught that did you? You're Head Girl after all. I'm very sensitive about it so even if you plan on sending Dumbledore a letter expressing your serious concern in his decision-making, I would hope you wouldn't tell me about it. Sirius has already written him on my behalf (and not stopped laughing at me since I got the letter).

Seemed to have woken up Dad though. He is very happy about this madness. He was Head Boy, you know. Fell in love with my mother that way. She was Head Girl.

Sincerely,

James

James! This is brilliant news. I am so very happy it's you and not some slimy Slytherin or smarmy Ravenclaw. And don't worry. Dumbledore knew exactly what he was doing when he paired us together, he must have known that I would keep you in line! You'll be an incredible Head Boy.

Love,

Lily

+++

The Great Lake, first week of Seventh Year

James groaned as he laid face first into the lush, green grass and watched Lily write notes against his head. Her quill was spinning and James wondered how someone could write so fast. Only Lily, he chuckled.

"You know, if you quit laying there and start writing that Charms essay your head would hurt less."

He grunted but didn't move and decided watching Lily's hair spill out in front of her with the sun beaming against it was a much better alternative to doing homework. So the minutes passed by and the stress of another day as Quidditch captain, Head Boy and a NEWT student passed by James.

He yawned loudly and Lily glanced over at him and smiled, pushing back a stray piece of hair. "You hungry? The sun is about to set anyways…"

He looked at the setting sun and sat up, sitting closer to Lily than necessary but she didn't seem to mind. "Let's just let the sun finish, its to lovely to miss out on."

Her hair looked radiant in the sun, and she seemed to glow in the light as they sat in silence watching the yellow rays turn orange, than a dark red before falling deep into the trees of the Forbidden Forest. And James thought all the while if he was reading the signs correct between him and Lily. Probably not, he concluded.

+++

End of September, first Quidditch win for Gryffindor

"What a win!" Peter exclaimed again as the four Marauders' climbed through the portrait hole to numerous cheers as they carried weights of butterbeer, treats and firewhiskey (for later).

James smiled humbly and moved to a corner to help set up the drink stand. Sirius stood besides him as they stacked drink after drink. "Evans was cheering you on, pretty enthusiastically I may add."

He grinned unconsciously as swept his hand through his hair and saw Lily chatting with Marlene and Mary. They didn't seem to have noticed them in the corner. "Yeah, she was, wasn't she…"

Sirius looked him over with raised eyebrows. "Gonna make a move?"

James shook his head and shrugged. "I figure we are in a good place. Don't want to make her mad again, do I?"

"You don't think she likes you?" Sirius asked.

James was about to answer when Lily's eyes met his. Her eyes seemed to sparkle as she straightened out her bordeaux dress and started making her way over towards him. "I'm not reading to much into it. History has a habit of repeating itself, right?"

Sirius never got a chance to reply as Lily came over and pulled James into her arms declaring how amazing he had been on the field. Sirius rolled his eyes at the two as he left them alone to flirt and made his away towards the rest of the Marauders. Yeah, history may repeat itself but the times sure were changing.

+++

Library, day before Halloween

Lily stared at Sirius determined, her eyes not flickering from the thick black hair on his scalp. She glared at it, and glared at it, and then glared some more before his gaze finally met hers.

"Evans," he drawled. "You're staring again."

She huffed and crossed her arms. "James is acting weird again."

Sirius rolled his eyes and went back to reading his textbook. But he could distinctly feel her hot gaze on his so he lifted his eyes once more. "Lily, he's fine."

"He's not!" Lily emphasized and glowered at him.

Sirius smirked at her, a soft mocking, sympathetic look gracing his features. "What makes you so sure, tell Sirius about it."

"Stop being a prat! You should be more concerned about your best mate."

"I'm concerned when there is something to be concerned about, Evans. But he's fine. In the common room as we speak playing Snap with Peter where we left him. Maybe we should be concerned because he is probably losing."

But his words seemed to do little to comfort Lily who remained now pouting in her chair. Sirius raised his eyebrows at her. She was acting very fishy. "Want to tell me the real reason we're having this conversation, love?"

She didn't respond right away, but her pout seemed to protrude further. Hmm… maybe they were on to something. "It's just, well, James has never in the past, well passed up an opportunity to spend time with me, see."

Sirius couldn't help but grin wolfishly across from her. "Are you admitting you care if James spends time you?"

Lily's eyes seemed to get impossibly wide as she started fidgeting nervously. "Well of course, we are friends, and I'm concerned for him. He's had it rough lately, and…" but she trailed off because she knew, and Sirius knew that he wasn't buying it. She was busted. "Fine! All right. Yes, I like James. But don't tell, Sirius!"

"Why not? You're so concerned with James not spending time with you in the library, we tell him this and he won't stop spending time with you ever."

"No! You can't… he might have changed his mind after last year…"

"He hasn't. As the bloke's best mate I can assure you," Sirius said dryly as if he heard one too many rambles about Lily Evans from James, which he had.

"I don't know Sirius…"

Sirius decided getting involved into the overanalyzing mind of Lily Evans was a bigger hassle then just telling James later when they ate lunch. He was sure a grand gesture would be had, but for now… he couldn't help but let out a snivel of laughter at Lily who kept rereading the same paragraph over and over again. Poor girl. Took her so long to admit her feelings and now thinking James didn't like her back… Sirius let out a real snort at that.

Lily sighed loudly and huffed into her book. Sirius decided matters like these left in the hands of these two idiots would go nowhere. He leaned against his chair and crossed his legs on the table and put his arms behind his head, and considered.

Lily gave him one look before knocking his legs off the table that left him rocking against his chair and holding onto the table for life support.

"Don't plot," she hissed.

"How dare you, Evans! To think I would betray your confidence."

Lily raised her eyebrows at him and Sirius just smiled devilishly. Well, she wouldn't have come to the boy's best mate now, should she?

+++

The Great Hall, Next Day, Halloween

James clamored into the Great Hall after his Quidditch practice, robes and broomstick in hand. It seemed someone was to hungry to do the responsible thing like wash up and put away their gear before coming inside like the rest of his teammates. Sirius decided this was a good time as any.

"Prongs," Sirius said as he watched his friends shovel a serious amount of food into his mouth. He grimaced as James looked up at him with his mouth full of sausage and mash. "You can swallow."

He gulped his food down and then looked over at him. "Yeah?"

"What if I told you I have some news for you?"

"Depends on what kind of news," James reiterated. "You're version of news isn't not always a good sign."

"I can keep it to myself," he said shrugging as he looked around the room. It was less than full as many were in the library trying to pack in last minute studying before the Halloween feast that night.

"Well now, you've got me all curious!" James said as he deliberated on another sausage and decided to take it on. "At least give me a clue."

"I'll take that game," Sirius said in acceptance, nodding his head.

"What game?" Peter asked as he started paying attention to his friend's conversation instead of his Potions homework that was now splattered with pumpkin juice.

"Prongs here is going to guess the fantastic news I have been withholding from him."

"Wait now! You never said it was 'fantastic'!" James protested between the foods in his mouth.

"You'll have to guess now to find out."

James narrowed his eyes and considered his mate. "Okay, then… category."

"Girls."

"Ugh, please don't tell me it's about that Fourth Year who keeps following us around?"

"Nope," Sirius replied. "And I think she has a crush on Mooney if anything. She's never around when it's just us three."

"Point taken," James said and then made a show of thinking. "Okay, so girls. Can I ask which girl?"

"When it comes to James Potter is there ever another girl?" Peter retorted that had Sirius sniggering and James glaring.

"Wormtail," Sirius began trying to contain his laughs. "Don't ruin the surprise, mate."

"'Fantastic', 'surprise', I'm starting to think you made this up, Padfoot," James claimed firmly. He did not find it amusing that his two mates were laughing at his non-existent girl problems.

"Like I said, you'll never know-"

"Yeah, yeah, if I don't guess," James said despondently and took another bite of his sausage and then decided it tasted pretty good with his salad and took a bite of that too.

"James," Sirius groaned at his display thinking Mrs. Potter was probably rolling in her grave at James eating habits "You think Lily would like kissing that mouth full of food."

James snorted into his food, his mouth too full to bother to respond.

"You know, that attitude is going to get you nowhere with her. Considering she told me yesterday in the library she fancied you."

The silence between the friends was probably comical from an outsider's point of view considering an actual sausage fell out of James's mouth. He tried choking out words but he kept choking on himself instead. James ended up spitting the food out of his mouth and glared and gapped at Sirius at the same time.

"What do you mean YESTERDAY?" James finally yelped. A few heads turned their way.

"Well I couldn't just betray her confidence without serious contemplation, could I? Evans has a tight jinx," Sirius regarded as he took a bite of forgotten sausage into his mouth.

"Wait," James said, finally catching up on his rapidly forming thoughts. "Lily fancies me?"

Sirius nodded. "Wouldn't mind a snog either, I'm assuming."

James eyes seemed to return to normal as he considered the information. "Are you joking with me?"

Sirius looked very offended by the question. "James, how dare you doubt my sincerity on such an important topic? Of course, she told me in the library."

James mind seemed to be exploding and both Peter and Sirius could see the wheels turning in his head as he twisted the information around. "Lily Evans likes me? She finally likes me?"

Even Sirius's black soul couldn't contain the smile at seeing such apparent joy in James's eyes. "Yeah, mate. Congratulations. Now please refrain from being disgusting."

"Lily Evans fancies me! Did you hear that Wormtail? Lily Evans likes me, James Potter!" he cheered as he got to his feet.

"Yeah," Sirius joked at his mate's dramatics. "I don't think the entire hall heard you."

It seemed James took Sirius's word as a challenge as he climbed onto Gryffindor table. "EVERYONE, LILY EVANS FANCIES ME BACK!"

A few whistles and applauses came from the other tables as James turned around with his hands out in utter euphoria.

"Oi, mate, we eat on this thing every day so get your ugly face off it and get your bird before she changes her mind," Sirius clamored as he tried to save his food from James's swinging legs.

"Right," James said, still on the table as he considered his options. "Fastest route to the library?"

"Broomstick," Peter offered and James took him earnestly as he took he jumped off the table and grabbed his broomstick, taking off without thought and leaving a horrified Peter and Sirius behind him.

"'Broomstick' an idiot said to an idiot," Sirius said smacking Peter's head as they chased after James.

+++

Flying to the Library, same minute

James didn't feel like his head was attached to anything as the inside air was swept behind him and he zoomed down the hallways. He figured he was making a very rash decision but he couldn't seem to think properly, and his mom always did say he did his best thinking in the air.

As he flew closer to the library, he was grateful for the pristine moment when the two doors flew open and he whizzed past the surprised shriek of a bystander and shot high into the air of the library, already hearing the screech of Madame Pince.

"JAMES POTTER, HAVE YOU GONE MAD? GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT AND OUT OF MY LIBRARY!" she screamed at the top of her lungs that only caused the entire library to turn their heads in his direction, and in that split second he saw the ginger he was seeking who had her mouth gapping at him like everyone else.

But James ignored the continual howling of Madame Pince and flew right by her, and saddled up next to Lily who was studying across from Remus and seemed to be the only one in the library not gapping but laughing.

"Lily," he said, as he flew a little higher to gain balance and looked down at her. Her eyes seemed paralyzed in utter shock as he reached a hand out for her. "Come with me."

"James!" she gasped. "What are you doing? You're Head Boy!"

James turned his head as he saw the fury of Madame Pince behind him and no one stopping her. "Hurry."

His hand was still yearning for her touch but she seemed stupefied in her seat and could do nothing but stare stupidly at him. "James," she murmured. "Are you mad?"

"For you!" James said as he whooshed out of the way of Madame Pince's hands as she tried to snatch at his broom. He flew right above her table and stared down at her. "Come on, Lily. Trust me."

James heard wolf whistles and points of exclamation from his fellow classmates as Lily stared dazedly up at him there comments bringing a smile to his face.

"Come on, Lily!" someone in the background urged.

"Go with him, Evans!" which was responded with more cheers and taunts.

"James, you're broom!" others warned.

A fanfare. Always a fanfare with James Potter, Lily thought. But even in her own trance she grabbed his hand and he swung her around his broomstick. He took a victory lap around the high ceilings of the library, roaring in triumph as he heard Lily's giggles behind him.

"What am I doing?" Lily laughed in utter bewilderment as she held onto his stomach and James just grinned at her from behind his shoulder.

James started zooming out of library, flying right by Madame Pince who was running behind him uselessly and bellowing into the air with her wand aimed high.

"THE TWO OF YOU IN THE LIBRARY NEVER AGAIN! NEVER IN MY LIBRARY AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR GRANDCHILDREN AND YOUR GREAT GRANDCHILDREN, DO HEAR ME?"

But having Lily clutch his stomach as he flew right out of the school and into the Quidditch grounds was sweeter than anything he had ever felt and much better than threat of never having to enter the library again.

"This is mad," he heard Lily behind him as he started slowing down and he looked behind her and smiled roguishly.

They came to a halt and Lily jumped right off and into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist as she crashed her mouth to his and kissing him soundly. They swayed on the spot for a second as James twisted his arms tightly around her wrapped legs, kissing her back with everything he had because this was what it was all about, wasn't it? He grinned to himself. Oh yeah.

+++

On the Grounds, watching the touching moment

"I think I'm going to cry," Sirius said deadpanned as the Marauders, Mary and Marlene watched the act take place from a safe distance.

"To think," Mary said, consumed by the romantic moment. "We have all been waiting for this moment since Fifth Year."

"Fifth Year? Speak for yourself," Peter muttered.

"Unlike you two, us three have been dealing with the James and Lily saga since Fourth Year," Sirius said clapping his hands in victory but it seemed that didn't faze the two girls who only "awwed" further.

Sirius moaned. "Girls."

+++

Trophy Room, two days later and almost all snogged out (not really)

"So," Lily said as James mopped the trophy room and glanced at her smug face. She held up her own mop and leaned against it, and James couldn't help thinking how adorable she looked. "Was it worth a month of detention?"

James looked her over, her hair falling around her face, the way her shirt was un-tucked from her skirt and her green eyes twinkling at him. He got up suddenly and grabbed her around the waist, kissing her madly because he was nothing but mad for her. "Yes."

+++

The End! Hope you enjoyed!

[evansnjames]

so happy james and lily are together!! hopefully they stay that way..(hint hint lol) poor smetty tho. anyways i don't mind waiting for new chapters bc they're always really long (:

And they are just getting longer... I was retweaking the outline the other day and realized that not this upcoming chapter but the next one would be needed to be split into two chapters making it even longer! These two just have so much to say & i love sharing it with everyone :)

[evansnjames]

No Headlights in Paradise (4/11)

No Headlights in Paradise

Chapter 4 – So They Slipped

Summary: Timing wasn't right. Love decided they didn't belong. Memories are magic. So they slipped... Follow the story of James & Lily through Hogwarts to the Order of Phoenix where time is their looming adversary.

Song choice: Crazy In Love (2014 Remix) – Beyoncé

You can read the whole thing here at ff.net! 

+++

Time seemed to move into the next phase as Lily began to be caught up in her classes, studying and new friends. Although nothing thrilling or exceptional happened, Lily was having the time of her life. It's amazing what friends can do to a person. Waking up is easier, the excitement of the day awaits, and fun is beckoning at the front door.

Originally, Lily had assumed spending time with Smetty would be on the weird side, considering she had remained unsure about her feelings but Smetty proved to be her most solid companion and his pursuit of her was done in such subtle moves that Lily felt extraordinary relaxed in his presence. His gradual ease into her daily activities had Lily seriously reconsidering his place in her life to the point that maybe something should happen between them. Smetty was secure, and she could no longer deny that something developing between them could be healthy for her. Smetty was everything she needed… not what she wanted. And what she wanted, she would remind herself forcefully, was not something she needed.

As the weeks tucked away, Lily only had two more to figure out exactly what her plans would be over the month long Christmas holiday. Ever since her parents passed away, the holidays constantly felt like an exclusive choir of having to find somewhere to go, people to pretend to be happy with and the disappointment that her and Petunia were no longer close. Sienna had added to this sentiment with decorating every inch of their shared apartment with red and green lights that left their once breezy apartment looking like a Christmas elf had thrown up flashing lights and mistletoe everywhere (that had forced Lily and Sienna to kiss almost every single one of the boys, on the cheek in Lily's case).

As the hanging lights twinkled around her, Lily considered her limited options. The previous holidays, James invited her to his home and she spent her time being shuffled around Potter Manor, comforted by the warm hugs of Mrs. Potter and laughter of Mr. Potter. That was obviously not an option this year… She could go to her sister's but then decided being miserable and alone was a lot better option than sitting uncomfortably at Petunia's while being insulted. Another option, one that seemed more and more attractive, was renting an apartment in Muggle London. Travel London. It was a little girl's dream wasn't it?

"What are you daydreaming about?" Sienna asked as she plopped down next to Lily and held a mug of hot chocolate. She had a massive knitted scarf wrapped around her neck and leg warmer over her black leggings that allowed her painted red toes to peak out.

Lily sighed and leaned back into the corner of the couch snuggly. "Figuring out what I'll do for Christmas break."

Sienna scrunched her nose. "What? We're staying here. I was thinking of buying the tree after classes finished for the semester, what do you think?"

"Wh-What? I thought you were going home," Lily asked dumbfounded.

"Lily," Sienna said frowning. "I'm not going to leave you here alone."

Her matter of fact attitude, the notion she already decided her plans, and the way she looked at Lily as if she couldn't believe her audacity for asking her such a question had Lily launching into her arms and hugging her soundly. She heard Sienna's amusement but she hugged her back as long as Lily wanted. When she finally released her it was with light happiness that she listened to Sienna drabble about decorations and how they could transform this place into a winter wonderland.

"Unless you have another idea?" she said. "I'm pretty open for suggestions."

"I was thinking of getting out of Cornwall? Maybe travel somewhere?"

"YES," Sienna burst. "Yes! Let's do it. I can't believe I didn't think about it myself. Where were you thinking? Ugh, that's brills, Lily truly."

"I was thinking Muggle London? We can see Buckingham Palace or Tower of London..."

"YES! This is going to be the best trip ever!" Sienna jumped, and already started organizing everything they would need, listing places she could look for an apartment, and planning all the places they would visit. Lily took care in appreciating how Sienna took control, allowing Lily to relax and feel cared for.

And with all of her research and prodding, Sienna had found them an apartment within the week in Chelsea.

"Near all the sites and shopping!" she attested. "But close enough to Diagon Alley in case we need something or to keep us updated."

They sat together overlooking a map of London, ignoring the boys who laughed at their meticulous planning. They wrote down their plans, considered restaurants and stores they needed to visit and all the attractions they needed to go too. The giddy excitement in the air made the two girls have a countdown in their apartment that sparkled blue every day they got closer to Christmas break. The night before their departure, Lily found herself alone in the apartment as Sienna had decided to spend the night with Caleb that for some reason had Lily chortling.

She was reading a book, the candlelight in the room playing with the shapes on the wall when she heard a loud knock infiltrate her quiet surroundings. She got up, opening the door and instantly smiling at Smetty who stood gracefully in the entranceway.

"Hey," she said happily, letting him in and felt a small tingle in her stomach at his presence.

He walked in easily, giving her a one-arm hug but she wrapped both her arms around him and gave him a full on hug that seemed to surprise him.

"Want something to drink?" she asked as she started moving towards the kitchen but he stopped her.

"No thanks. Thought I would give you some company, and your Christmas present."

She stopped her movements and looked over at him startled before switching over to excited. "What? I don't getting yours yet!"

He laughed at her reaction as he pulled out a small box from his pocket and handed it to her. "You can give me yours after the holiday. But I saw this and figured 'good Christmas present, must give her.'"

She opened the small box and stared at it for a moment. Inside was long, thin gold chain and hanging at the very end was a silver doe who was yawning up at her and twisting around. Lily's heart struck as she moved her finger lightly to calm it and the doe seemed to still at her contact and recognize her. She looked up at Smetty in wonder at his touching gift.

"You mentioned your Patronus was a doe."

Lily nodded her head, too choked up to say anything. "Smetty, this is…"

He seemed very satisfied with his gift choosing abilities, and Lily almost wanted to smile at the irony but kept it to herself. Instead, she pulled the necklace over her head and a warm, comforting sensation spread throughout her body. She looked down and brought the doe closer to her eyes for inspection but no explanation was had.

"Thank you," she said, hugging him again.

"Now when you go off you'll have something to remember me by."

Lily released him and looked at him with raised eyebrows, "I don't need a gift to remember you, Smetty."

He seemed pleased by her answer but she didn't tell him that a necklace of a doe was the last possible way for her to remember him by. If anything all it made her think about was why her Patronus was a doe…

They chatted for a while, Lily drinking tea while he lounged on the couch. When it got late, Lily walked him to the door but he didn't turn right away but stared at her.

"Look, Lily. I didn't get you that with any expectations but I hope you're still considering me."

She gave him a coy smile and nodded her head. She kissed him softly on his cheek. "More and more each day."

He nodded gruffly. "Good."

"Happy Christmas, Smetty."

"Happy Christmas, Lily."

+++

Lily could barely sit through her last class, and even though she assumed learning about ways in helping those infected with snake venom might be necessary one day by the time class was up Lily was bouncing in chair. She rushed from the classroom, almost colliding with Sienna who seemed to be in the exact same mood, and the two girls in the middle of the corridor started jumping and clapping. They came home, their belongings already packed with just a few minor immediate details and then they would be off. Vacation would happen and Lily would be free.

With their trunks laid in the middle of the living room, Lily was wondering what her level of stress would be when she came back after the holiday to remind herself that her and Sienna had left their apartment in total disarray.

"Lily?"

"Yes," Lily answered as she picked up another dress. Would need more than four dresses? It would be cold, and she wasn't planning on having any dates or indulging in parties but then again Sienna would definitely want to go to as many pubs as possible. She folded the additional dress and put it in.

"You think you'll see James over Christmas break?"

The question snapped Lily out of her fashion trance, "What?"

"I was just wondering if you would see James during Christmas break?" she asked nonchalantly as she picked up her own dress and shoved it inside.

"I uh… I never really thought about it," the question and the thought confused Lily mainly because since Sirius had departed she had effectively worked on not thinking about James. Ever. "Why?"

Sienna shrugged much to casually for Lily's sake and she narrowed her eyes. "Sienna…"

"What?" she pouted and Lily couldn't help bursting laughing. Sienna was many things, sneaky was not one of them. "It's not like you to mention my heartbreak."

Sienna looked up guilty, finally rolling her eyes and giving in. "I was hoping to see Sirius again."

Now Lily was almost on the floor, clutching her stomach. "Sirius? Sienna!"

"Lily, it's not that funny," she grumbled but Lily couldn't stop laughing though she did calm down enough to look at her friend amused.

"Didn't you just spend the night at Caleb's?"

"Me and Caleb aren't like that," she huffed.

"You think he knows that?" Lily laughed as Sienna continued to glare at her.

"Yes," but then she paused, and looked truthfully at her, "I just can't stop thinking about him. Sirius, that is."

"Sienna," Lily comforted even though she couldn't stop her amusement. "You barely spent 24 hours with him. I don't even think it was 12."

"I know!" Sienna said. "But I just can't explain it and I've just wanted to bring it up so many times without being weird and I just couldn't. This is a mess. Sorry I brought up James."

"You don't need to be sorry," Lily chuckled as she came over to her friend and took her by the shoulders. "And I'm sorry to burst your bubble but I seriously doubt I will be your connection to Sirius. Especially not based on my relationship with James."

"Worth a try?" she laughed embarrassed.

But as Lily prepared for bed that evening she contemplated if she would see James. Even though she hated herself for thinking it, she hopelessly wished she would see him. She knew it wouldn't happen, convinced herself it wouldn't happen. He was in Auror training. He was busy. Living his life somewhere unknown. He didn't have time for Christmas. And as he proved to her the last seven months he didn't have time for Lily.

"Maybe time will tell…" she told the empty and open ceiling.

+++

Time did prove to move very fast as Lily and Sienna took on Muggle London. Their first day there they had settled in, dressed up and went walking around Bond Street and Oxford Street, enjoying the shopping and Sienna pushing Lily to buy a few delicacy items. They ate fish and chips in an old but famous Muggle pub and were flattered by the attention from the young lads that seemed to follow them. The next day they walked around Buckingham Palace and the grounds, with Sienna daring Lily to Apparate into the castle. She seriously considered it until Sienna laughed at her worry and did it herself. Safe to say they were chased and probably almost arrested by Wizarding law if the Ministry worker hadn't been so enthralled by Sienna's flirting.

And each day went along those similar lines and each day Lily enjoyed her vacation more and more. They visited the Tower of London, the bridges and made a day of it at Windsor Palace. The cold year seemed to only encourage their travels and Lily had never felt more full, or content in her life.

The day before Christmas Eve they had decided to take a day off before they planned on celebrating the holiday in Hyde Park before exchanging presents in a pub someone had recommended to them. As such, Lily decided to visit Diagon Alley and fill up on some supplies and maybe buy a new pair of robes that wasn't black. Sienna lounged around instead, and Lily laughed as she waved her goodbye from her bed. She decided to walk there, filling her lungs with the icy air and when she arrived to the Leaky Cauldron, she reminisced on the familiar smells and sounds.

She walked through the roads, deciding to stop at Flourish and Blotts because Lily could never resist a bookstore. It was a nostalgic being in her favorite bookstore surrounded by the smell of fresh paper and magic.

"Blimey, if my eyes don't deceive, is that Lily Evans?"

Lily snapped her head to the side and saw Mr. and Mrs. Potter making their way towards and her heart sped up unsteadily as Mr. Potter in all his lanky and tall self brought her into his arms, and Mrs. Potter next.

"Oh, hi!" she said breathlessly and peered behind them but didn't see hair matching Mr. Potter's.

"How have you been, dear? We haven't see you since last Christmas!" Mrs. Potter began but Lily couldn't seem to grapple with what was happening to her. Coming to Diagon Alley was a mistake.

"I-uh… sorry this is just such a surprise," she finally mumbled but the two chuckled at her.

"Oh, are you meeting James and Sirius later? They are around here somewhere," Mrs. Potter said kindly. "But don't keep them out to long, dear. I need them to help clean the house for our Christmas Eve party tomorrow. James did invite you?"

Lily didn't have the heart to tell sweet and amazing Mrs. Potter that her and James no longer talked. Mr. Potter saved her the problem.

"Probably causing trouble, those boys are," Mr. Potter grumbled but then added as an afterthought and looked mischievously at Lily. "But then my friend at the Ministry told me you got into a spot of trouble yourself not to long ago."

Lily blushed red, "Oh… my friend-"

"No need to explain," he laughed. "James Potter is my son after all."

But Lily wasn't focusing because only one thought was drumming through her mind: James is here. James is here. James is here!

"Well, we better run… much to prepare before the holiday. Do you have anywhere to go?" Mrs. Potter asked. "You know you are welcome with us any time."

Her words brought Lily back to Earth and humbled her greatly. "Thank you."

Mrs. Potter smiled at her, a smile that told her she knew exactly what she was thinking as if she had done this entire situation on purpose. She hugged her warmly and Lily forgot what it felt like to be hugged by a mother.

Watching them walk away, Lily took a deep breath. It seemed like they were in a hurry. Probably all four of them would be back in Potter Manor already. Mr. and Mrs. Potter wouldn't interfere… They would definitely interfere. Lily knew the best chances of her not seeing James would be to leave Flourish and Blotts but she stood still and picked up a random Charms book. As the book came to life in her hands and began demonstrating theoretical spells, Lily watched two girls, no more than twelve, discussing something so seriously in a manner that only children could.

As the second passed, and no one came charging into the bookstore, Lily decided she was being ridiculous. Mr. and Mrs. Potter hadn't even said James was in Diagon Alley, just around somewhere. And hadn't James already proven his point by not contacting her? With that thought, she swiftly turned around and stared up at the massive bookshelf. Seeing a thick purple one above her that looked of interest, she tried reaching it to no success. She stepped onto the little space on the shelf by pushing herself forward, and just had a grapple on the book before she began tumbling backwards. But smack onto the floor she did not fall but instead into the clutches of large, strong and firm hands. And as the man's grip held her on the sides tightly, Lily looked up into the backwards face leaning over her. And her heart fell into the pits of her stomach as his touch vibrated throughout her entire body leaving heats of electricity sparking on her skin where he was touching. She was instantly aroused.

James lifted her upright, and she took a step backwards that had her standing straight against the bookshelf with nowhere else to go. He smirked down at her as he took the large book out of her hands and started flipping through it. She didn't realize he wasn't even touching her anymore until he opened the book but it didn't matter because his fingerprints seemed to burn into her skin and his penetrating eyes remained steadily upon hers.

"Evans," he said in a hushed tone that had Lily's nipples throb painfully against her bra. "Nice to know you're still into leaning the theories of Potions for Goblins."

"What?" she breathed, not comprehending his words in the intensity of the moment until he held up the book, Remedies for Goblins in Potion Making, Ancient Egypt to 1958. It took a moment for her to snap out of his intense gaze and register what was happening. "Oh. I liked the color."

"Me too," he answered and if the book hadn't been between them they would have been fully touching. But considering his breath was inches from her own and their legs were just brushing each other, it didn't seem to matter.

"What are you doing here?" she finally asked and breathed more deeply, as she was forced to look a bit upwards to fully reach his piercing gaze. He dropped the book on the floor, and Lily jumped. But when she looked up again his right arm was leaning next to her head and he was closer than he had been before.

He grinned roguishly at her question, and with his left arm he tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "Haven't seen you in half a year and that's all you have?" his smooth words washing over her.

"It's not every day James Potter walks back into your life."

His eyes sparkled at her words, and his arm moved down to her shoulders, tracing the line to her hip, leaving it there as he touched her boldly. This wasn't the James she had left behind on the train station. This was a James who had no problem taking what he wanted and living with no regrets to the consequences.

"What are you doing now?" his smoky voice rolled over, his gaze unflinching and Lily looked at him steadfast.

"Nothing."

He took in her words, and seemed to take a deep breath of her scent. He opened his mouth to say anything but it seemed as if the words were stuck in his throat and Lily was glad he appeared as nervous as she.

She bit her lower lip, and moved closer to him. He didn't move away at first but seemed to consider his position. He inched forward and then she was submerged in his hug. Every inch of their bodies was now touching as Lily automatically wrapped her arms around his neck. His head was between the crease of her shoulders. Her breasts were pushed against his chest and how his hard hands moved their way downward the caused her body to be pushed more firmly against his own. The touch between them was electric, intoxicating, unfailing. He sniffed her neck, as if stopping himself from kissing it and Lily couldn't help but let out the small snicker.

"I missed you so much, Lily."

His clear words broke the charade. He moved back, and his grin was no longer scandalous as it was mischievous. A James she remembered, and Lily's smile widened as he flicked their noses together and let her go. This was unreal…

"I can't believe I'm staring at you right now."

"I know the feeling…"

Time between them was stuck, but James finally broke the silence. "Can I walk you out?"

She nodded, and he took her hand without question and they walked out of the store and into the bustling streets. Lily gave in involuntary shiver because after the heat between them, the blithering cold was like a whiplash. But her eyes couldn't leave his.

"What are your plans?" Lily asked.

He shrugged and looked at the direction of the Leaky Cauldron. "I really just wanted to get a kit for my broomstick. It got rusted a bit," James said shaking his head in disgust. "Dad just let it pretty much shrivel up and die in the shed."

Lily smiled sweetly at the simplicity of his task, so close to the James she once knew. "That's nice…"

They stopped walking and stood in the middle of the street, and Lily leaned her feet against the cobblestones as James looked intently down at her. "What about you?"

Her heart started drumming again… "Quick supply run."

He didn't say anything but Lily leaned forward, waiting, waiting…

He took a deep breath and inched closer, his hand moving gradually to her hip, his lips going down, down, down, so close-

The two girls from the bookstore slammed into them and Lily fell on top of James who tripped to the floor. She looked down into his eyes and his hands moved to her hip. "You okay?"

She nodded and got up, his hands on her until he moved to flick off the cinder.

"Sorry!" They squealed and then blushed as they looked at James.

"It's okay," he muttered and looked over at Lily again.

They rushed away, turning back around to get catch glimpse of James before giggling when he caught their eye.

Lily bit the inside of her cheek as James turned back to her. The amusement subsided, and once more Lily was forced not to fling herself at him. He took a deep breath as if he was forcing himself not to acknowledge his dark thoughts and gave her a wry grin.

"Right, I should go," he finally said and Lily's heart dropped and all she could think was no. "My parents are waiting for me back at home to help clean the house before the Christmas party tomorrow. Sirius too."

"Don't," she said and took a step closer and grabbed his hand and twined them together. "Don't go, please. Just… don't."

His gaze was hard but Lily didn't flicker. She wanted this, she yearned from this… she had always wanted this.

"Lily…" he murmured and brought their twined hands to her cheek.

"Just for a little while… please," she breathed.

Their foreheads were leaning together now and she felt him nod. Relief swept through her as James released her cheek. "So, what do you want to do?"

They got ice cream. Lily didn't think about how cold it was but only that her hand remained locked in James all the way to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. When Lily ordered her strawberry and vanilla and James his mint chocolate chip, and he had to let go of her hand to grab their cones, an awkward air spread throughout as they took their seats.

He was looking her over and Lily couldn't help thinking he looked good… He looked strong and his once boyish features seemed to vanish in replace of a man who had witnessed a few things. His arms, once so lanky, now filled out and strong as if he was going to crush his cone, and she briefly imagined what it would feel like if his hands moved down her naked body.

"How've you been?" he said breaking the silence.

"Good, busy. You?"

He didn't answer but his eyes told her everything. "How's school going?"

"It's so hard. Much harder than Hogwarts," Lily complained well heartedly. "But I love it. I made a good decision."

He smiled. "Anything interesting?"

She looked him over and everything about him was so severe, as if the laughter had escaped him in their months apart and his face wasn't used to smiling. "I enrolled in the Field Healer program… the one that works with Auror's."

His smile disappeared and his eyes flashed dangerously. "Lily, no."

"Why not?" but this challenge from James was something she welcomed.

"It's unsafe out there! You have no idea what it's like," he glared at her. "And making some rash decision to get back at me, Lily you can't. I won't let you."

"I want to make a difference too!" she fought back fiercely but her fierce eyes crinkled into smiles as in the heat of their moment, James was trying desperately to contain his melting cone that was spilling stickily onto his hands. Licking the sides uselessly while trying to remain angry had Lily burst into giggles and James look at her exasperated.

"Here, let me," she took the cone from the puddle in his hands and licked the sides smoothly before sucking gently on the bottom.

When she handed him back the cone, his eyes told her he fighting a losing battle. "Here…"

"Thanks," he exhaled and copied her movements. They sat there for a few more minutes, and when James was finally finished he looked at her with amused eyes. "I really do have to go now or Mum will kill me. Absolute murder."

"Oh," maybe she had read it all wrong. "Right. Sorry to keep you."

She hastily got up and looked at anything but him but James arms were around her in a second as he pulled her closer to the side, taking them over to a dark alley hidden from view.

"Lily," he murmured.

"Yeah?" she said breathlessly.

"I uh… Running into you was good," he uttered, his words stumbling unevenly from his mouth, so unlike him.

She smiled warmly at him. "Me too."

"Right… I need to see you again."

Her stomach squirmed uncomfortably and she tried to contain the instant excitement that shot through her as his hands rubbed up and down her arms. "I would like that."

"As a date," he said with a conviction that had Lily's smile broadening.

"I know."

A slow smile spread over his face, as if the losing battle wasn't a lost but a victory over a long, long battle. "Good," he said simply, "Is tonight good for you?"

"Okay," was the only word that could come out because she was so thrilled.

All thoughts vanished as he brought his hands to cup her cheeks and tilted her face upwards as she felt his harsh breath against her face, his eyes scorching her own. She ached for him, yearned for his touch and for his body to be close. She shuddered at the deep craving of her desire, for him, only for him, it always was him.

And then he was kissing her, surrounding her, leaning her against the harsh, cold wall as he pressed his body against hers and Lily gave in completely. Because nothing felt as wonderful as James kissing her as if she was his one and only thought. How wonderful it felt to finally be where she was supposed to be: in his arms, his lips against her own. And she would take him, she would take him any way she was offered because she had been dreaming about this moment, hadn't she?

The idea of being with James, of him being inside of her, had her throwing her arms around him invitingly, pulling him closer and kissing him back so possessively that she heard him groan into her mouth. She squeezed the leg that was resting between her two thighs and moaned as his hands moved downward to her hips. She felt his erection against her thigh and she smiled as he leaned back a bit, looking down at her panting.

"Merlin, Lily," he muttered and kissed her again. "You're all I've thought about, all I think about. I've tried to get you out but I can't."

A thrill of victory, of desire shot through Lily and she brought his lips down to hers again and he pushed against her, lifting her legs to wrap around his hips and Lily kissed him. Lily considered how strong he was as she wrapped her arms around his neck securely, and his hands brushed against her breast and he looked at her with a longing that she felt at the tips of toes. She arched into him as he kissed her again and he groaned into her mouth as he pulled away. She didn't care that it was cold enough to snow outside because James was so so warm.

"I really do have to go," he wheezed against her neck as he kissed her there gently and moaned as she squeezed his hips as if leaving her was the last thing he wanted.

"Don't," she said into his ear before kissing its tip.

James moved his head backwards and gave a loud groan before helping her down and brushing a few strains of dirt off her shoulder. "Tonight," he promised.

She didn't let go of him but nodded her head. "Tonight."

"I'll pick you up at eight. What's your address?"

She gave it to him before he kissed her once more, as if he couldn't help himself and Lily gave in greedily to his soft lips before he sighed and stepped away. "I'm leaving."

"Okay," she giggled as she watched him take a few steps backwards, and then outright laughed as he turned back around and rushed to her. Her laugh was half way up her throat before it turned into a moan when he kissed her fiercely, defiantly, vowing.

He let go of her this time and looked very satisfied at her dazed state. "Don't go changing your mind, Evans."

She shook her head as he turned away and Lily watched James Potter vanish between the buildings.

+++

"Wait, wait, wait! Lily, wait!" Sienna said fiercely as Lily rushed around their rented apartment with a frenzy she had never felt before. Because Lily had a date with James, she finally, finally, finally had a date with James!

Sienna grabbed her shoulders and forced her to acknowledge her existence as she looked adamantly into her eyes. "What do you mean you have a date with James? When did you even see him? What happened?"

But Lily couldn't focus when in a few seldom hours James would be here and they would go to dinner and take a stroll afterwards and then… Well Lily decided if this was her only chance, her only date, she was going to make it worth it. She was going to go in 100%, no more second-guessing. She would be with James tonight with no regrets and the anticipation was bursting through her very fingers.

"I ran into him at Diagon Alley and we got ice cream and then he asked me out and then he kissed me and now we have a date and I have nothing to wear!" she rambled quickly as she unfastened herself from Sienna's grip and walked back to her rented closet. "I left all my good clothes in Cornwall!"

Lily didn't wait from a response as she once more started borrowing through her wardrobe even though she had gone through it already at least five times.

"Lily," she heard from behind her but Lily picked up a white blouse even though she already knew she wanted to wear a dress. "Lily… Lily… Lily, stop! Wait a second!"

At Sienna's shrill cry, Lily paused and looked at her friend who was now sitting on her bed, gazing at her concerned. "What?"

"Is this, I mean, shouldn't you slow down? It's just going so fast."

"What do you mean?" Lily asked dumbly as she dropped the blouse. It all made perfect sense to her.

"Yesterday we talking about how you were going to go on one date with Smetty and now you're planning to go almost on this reckless one with a kid from your grade school? I'm just worried about you."

It was as if Lily didn't have time to explain or the energy. Because James was… "I can't explain it, I don't know how too. But Sienna, I've never wanted anything as desperately as I wanted to go on this date tonight."

Her mouth opened in a perfect "o" and Lily would have laughed at the comicality of it all if she hadn't been so restless. "I just, I don't want you to end up hurt. I've seen a lot of tears for this Potter kid in the last two chapters."

Lily considered her words, and told her truthfully: "I almost don't care."

Sienna looked at her thoughtfully. "Well then… Guess we need to find you the perfect outfit."

Lily grinned at her words and before Sienna knew what happened Lily hugged her. "Thank you."

Sienna embraced her and stroked her hair gently. "What are friends for if not to make bad decisions with you?"

They ended up with a red dress of Sienna's that had thick straps and a low neckline that was tight at the bodice but flowed smoothly at her sides without being too revealing. She rolled on a pair of black tights, and black heeled booties. When she turned to look behind her, her entire back was bare expect for where the straps met above her lower hip. With a spell from Sienna, Lily's hair curled in simple ringlets and when she looked into the mirror it felt as if she didn't recognize herself.

"Lils! You look gorgeous," Sienna smiled as Lily twirled in the mirror because she kind of did kind of look amazing.

She looked over at the clock noticing it was about eight. James would be here any second, he promised. He wouldn't ditch her and she needed to remove the thought that he might not show up. But just as the web of doubt started crawling into her stomach, a loud knock sounded on their door and Lily's heart thundered in her chest.

Sienna looked at her with excited eyes as Lily bit her lower lip anxiously. "Want me to get the door?"

Lily nodded as Sienna got up and opened the door. She walked out of her room as Sienna let him.

"Hi, James Potter," she watched as James offered Sienna his hand.

"Sienna Montgomery."

"The famous roommate," James grinned comfortably. "Nice digs."

"Famous?"

James looked over at her knowingly and Sienna reddened magnificently.

Lily took her queue and coughed lightly, causing the two heads to look over in her direction. James looked her up and down, his smile intensifying when he met her green ones.

"Hey."

"Hey there," he murmured as he came forward and handed her a few pink lilies. "You look beautiful."

She blushed at his compliment and couldn't help thinking how good he looked with his beige Muggle trousers that fitted him perfectly, and his light blue dress shirt that seemed to outline his impressive chest. He had on a navy blazer that was currently buttoned in the middle and Lily felt her insides melt to her lower remedies. "You don't look so bad yourself."

His grin burned to her very core. "Let's get out of here, yeah?"

Lily put on her black trench coat and scarf. He took her hand and Lily looked over at Sienna. She let go of James momentarily and went to hug her roommate who whispered in her ear, "Good luck."

She took back James's hand, and he led her out of her apartment and into the cold London weather. "So, what are the plans?"

James paused and looked down at Lily, and he looked so tall in that moment that Lily couldn't help but lift her arms and wrap them around his neck. He seemed startled by the display of affection before sliding his arms around her waist and squeezing her happily.

"I've just wanted this for so long," he started.

"Me too," she added that had him smirking with pleasure down at her.

"I don't want some normal date, Lily. This isn't a random get to know you. I know you. I want you. I was thinking we could start at the Christmas Market near Hyde Park-"

"James," Lily interrupted and smoothed one of his many loose strands of hair. "Okay. I trust you."

He seemed thankful that she was being so accommodating but Lily agreed with him. This was a chance, not an opportunity and if seven years at Hogwarts taught her anything it was that James Potter was a planner, a doer, and he knew how to have fun. She trusted that instinct.

He leaned down and kissed her fleetingly before releasing her, and with a brush of his hands he Apparated them to Hyde Park. Christmas lights were blinking in every direction. It felt magical.

"This way," he murmured as he took her hand, directing her more inwards, passing by the massive Christmas market. When they stopped at a hidden corner with high green bushes and an old steel chain wrapped around them Lily wondered why they were moving further and further away from the actual Christmas Markets. But with a tap of his wand, the chains seemed to twist out of the way and a door was revealed that James pushed opened.

The rambunctious crowd left Lily stunned as James pulled her behind him but Lily's mind couldn't seem to wrap around that this enigma existed and more than that, she was part of it. Witches and wizards were milling around their own huge Christmas Market as decorated Christmas trees were dancing alive as the fairy lights were real, blinking romantically above them. People were whirling about them buying last minutes presents, teens were drinking steaming cups of hot wine, girls laughing over tea cookies and hundreds congregating celebrating the holiday.

"James!" Lily said excitedly at the rapid movement.

He looked at her, pleased at her apparent happiness. "Yeah?"

"This is amazing! What is this place?"

He paused, "You've never been to the Christmas Market?"

She laughed and shook her head. "Well, not this one! I thought when you said Christmas Market you meant the Muggle one!"

He was chuckling at her when he brought her body closer to his and wrapped a hand around her shoulder. "C'mon!"

So they walked around the extraordinary market and Lily couldn't help but stare at everything. She gratefully accepted the hot wine James bought them as they browsed looking at all sorts of magical presents that were jumpy, moving and begging for purchase. The giggles continually erupted within Lily as her and James drank their steaming wine and grinned at each other.

"I wish I had done all my Christmas shopping here!"

He laughed as Lily picked up an old trinket that cascaded into sparks. "I'm glad I'm the first."

She met his eyes and though she understood what he meant, her cheeks reddened significantly as she looked away from his intent ones.

When they made another round, Lily felt perfectly untroubled with her hand in James as he led and showed her his favorite shops. She momentarily thought this is what it could have been like all those years at Hogwarts. This, them together, happy to be in each other's graces.

"One more surprise in this place," he said as they finished admiring the massive Christmas tree in the center.

"How can they fit anything else into this place?"

"It's magic, Lily," and sometimes Lily forgot how absolutely impossible magic actually was.

He led her to the back, not that the crowd thinned in the least. A few people seemed to nod their head's at James, but the happy atmosphere of Christmas seemed to wash away the seeping worry that had taken over the Wizarding community lately and instead filled with Christmas cheer.

"Here we are," and Lily looked up at the huge ice skating rink and Lily couldn't help but squeal with glee.

"Oh, James!" And her wide grin seemed infectious as he swung them around and they waited patiently in line.

"Ten Sickles per person," the individual behind the counter stated, bored. James handed over the coins as magical skates appeared on their shoes as they entered the rink, and James took her hand and they skated together on the shiny ice.

The skated holding hands, moving in sync as James twirled her around in small circles that had Lily giggling uncontrollably. The smooth way his hands captured her own assured her that he wouldn't let her fall. And as they made their way around the rink, the flow of the ice beneath them had her staring at James, sparkling at him in complete contentment. They skated and circled each other, Lily perfectly happy for James to take the lead and towards the end, he was hugging her close, dancing it seemed instead of skating.

It was perfect, the absolute perfect date. And twirling in his arms one last time he looked down at her, his arms light on her hips.

"Do you want anything?" he offered.

She shook her head numbly, to arrested by the romantic feelings. She was hyper aware of his hands on her back, his hips against her own.

"Are you hungry?"

She nodded.

"We can eat here at the market, there's a good place… but there is a place I've always wanted to take you. It's on the edge of London..."

"Let's go there," she whispered brightly, as she stood on her toes and looked deep into his eyes.

His arms left her hand and wrapped around her body. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

They walked off the ice rink, still clutched each other closely and as the magical skates disappeared as they exited. James turned into her embrace, and he Apparated them to a small overlook near the water. Though she lived in Cornwall, this water seemed literally to glitter and sparkle at her. "This is Faerie Realm."

She was overcome with the dark beauty of the island and she turned to face James who was looking down at her nervously. And she was reminded that he really probably did think about this date a million times. So she flung herself at him and hugged him hard because this date was better than any fantasy. "This place is perfect, James."

He seemed so relieved that she was enjoying herself, as if he thought she would try to escape him at any moment. They walked to a small Italian restaurant, a hole in the wall. When they arrived, they were lead to an intimate table that held a majestic view of the twinkling water that had Lily buzzing excitedly.

"Me and my parents used to eat here when I was younger a lot, when we wanted to give the house elves a break. My dad actually proposed to my mom here," James said into the dim light that had Lily's heart skipping a beat.

They had simple conversation, the food was exceptional. Lily was convinced she hadn't eaten this well since her days at Hogwarts. Though they didn't say much, Lily eyes never seemed to waver from James, who seemed to look at her as if she was just an image of his vast imagination.

As they shared a dessert, James finally broke the silence. "I can't believe this is real, Lily."

"Me neither."

"I really thought, some nights I would lay in bed and I was convinced I would never see you again… and now you're here."

Her insides tightened at his words.

"Tell me if you have someone else, if theirs been someone else," he said, as if the question had been badgering him for more then just this night.

She swallowed and shook her head. "No… not really. Maybe someone in the future but I forgot his name," she responded honestly.

He seemed immensely pleased at her response and took her hand in his own, brushing his thumb against her hand. "What about before?"

She shook her head and looked at him openly. "No one, James. I've been waiting for you."

His breath seemed to hitch and she turned her hand over and twined their hands together.

"What about you?" she asked, quietly but she had heard the rumors, hoped they weren't true.

He didn't answer right away and Lily's heart sunk as she looked down, breaking the spell between them and trying to move her hand away but he tightened it. "Lily, no… it was after Fifth Year, that summer, after our fight… I just felt wanted and you and I? I had convinced myself it was never going to happen, especially then. It was nothing, stupid, really.

"Please, don't be mad… You have to know you're all I've ever wanted."

Lily shook her head, trying to snap out of it. "I'm not really. Maybe jealous…."

"Nothing to be jealous about," and though she nodded at his words he didn't seem alleviated. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it lightly, "Let's take a walk, yeah? A breath of fresh air."

The tension filling the air was overwhelming, and Lily watched as James paid and led her outside to the silky sand and the water rolling right below their feet. The warmth between them seemed to reemerge and Lily decided she wouldn't allow her petty jealously get in the way of tonight. This was their chance.

"This has been more than I could ever imagine, James," she said softly, tucked securely in the curve of his arms, as the beach gleamed endless in front of them.

"Me too."

His arms tightened as he pulled her closer, standing against the water with only the moonlight and the soft fairy lights of the ocean. James traced the outline of her body in subtle caress. Noticing her necklace, he picked it up and the doe nuzzled into his hand. Lily was shocked, remembering how it had back away from Smetty's touch.

"Nice necklace… present?" he said with a smile, his voice low.

She nodded, unsure how to respond but he seemed to understand as the doe glowed between them. She looked up at him from under her lashes and his eyes met hers in a mesmerizing look. His hands skimmed her cheek and moved low as he bent to kiss her lips. Each kiss between them seemed to have left an ache deep into her soul. As he deepened the kiss, desire burned through her.

The heated kiss lasted for several long minutes, and when he drew back Lily looked up at him and studied his face.

"James," Lily said when he released her with a brush of her lips that left her shivering. "Take me home."

He paused, unsure and looked down at her determinately. "Back to-"

"I don't care as long as you're there," she uttered breathlessly and she saw his breath hitch as he swallowed harshly and pressed her firmly to him. Without questions they Apparated to the outside of a small bungalow that had ivy grow at it from every corner but in a charming way.

He opened the rickety white fence, holding Lily's hand firmly as he led her inside the house. With a flick of his wand, candles were lit and Lily gasped at the breathtaking insides. The furniture was slick and comfortable with forest color undertones that Lily thought only existed in daydreams. She turned around to face James and he was looking down at her intently.

"This is my parents summer home… I just wanted to take you to a place were we could be alone," he said as he brushed her hair behind her ear.

"It's perfect," she spoke, as the air hummed with anticipation around them.

He brought her into his embrace and hugged her. He kissed her hair before looking down. "We'll take this slow, okay?"

She nodded faithfully up at him and he was humbled at her acceptance as he kissed her softly. He teased her gently before pressing his lips more firmly against her own. Everything around them was drowned out expect for the feel of their bodies against one and other. Lily's heart pounded forcefully against her ears as his tongue smoothly entered her mouth.

When she parted her lips, and her tongue glided into his own, his kisses became more demanding, more captivating. His hand made their way to tangle themselves in her hair as he pulled her body closer. Lily stepped onto her toes to reach him further and that seemed to spur him on as his kiss became more seductive, more heated. She wanted to be close to him, she wanted to be closer to him everywhere, and with frenzy she had never felt before she kissed aggressively.

But James seemed content standing near the entranceway devouring her lips as if this would be his only chance. He held her in place and explored her mouth… sucking, nibbling and biting. Lily felt every curve of his body against her own and her body seemed to mold perfectly into his as if her body knew whom they were dealing with. She moaned loudly into his mouth, her eagerness overwhelming as she pushed her hands keenly into his hair and desire swept through them both.

His hands ran down the sides of her body, brushing over her hardening nipples in the process before moving further downward. Lily had never felt anything like it and let him know when she pushed her chest into his that had him let out a light chuckle.

But he was kissing her again, and it felt like they had been kissing forever. She hardly noticed when he easily lifted her by the knees and carried her up the stairs. She didn't care as long as James continued to kiss her like he was. And he was.

When they settled in the bedroom, he stood over her, looking so in the small room, but once again he swallowed all her thoughts as he leaned his head forward and captured her in a hungering kiss. All the nervousness she had felt before vanished with his wondering hands as they slid under her dress. It felt too good to be nervous, and James touch was so fulfilling. He removed his jacket and dropped it carelessly onto the floor before he lifted her dress over her head without question. She stood there in front of him in her thinly laced bra and matching underwear and his gaze swept over her, shaking his head as if dazed by the sight. He was looking at her as if he couldn't believe he was touching her and that she was letting him. And if the bulge in pants told her anything, he definitely enjoyed the view.

"Merlin, Lily…" His hands traced the edge of her lacy bra, his thumbs skimming over her nipples that hardened through the lace and sent a swirl of delight below. "You're so beautiful."

His fingertips drifted downward, a teasing that kept her entire body alert, jumping when his hand cupped her breast. Lily wanted to blush but it felt so erotic as he rubbed the rough fabric against her nipple with James looking down at her as if he would never get enough.

His other hand reached up and began playing with the other nipple that had Lily moaning loudly but he muffled the sound with his sweet kiss. Her entire body felt ragged as his hands moved in tandem with his mouth, leaving her breathless and flowing with desires. She brought her hands to wrap around his neck to press him closer but he took hold of her wrists firmly and kept tracing her nipple that was poking resolute through the thin fabric.

"Shh," he said softly. "Let me."

He pinched her nipple, rubbing them against the fabric of her sensitive skin that had her crying out louder as he only pinched her harder, making her gasp. He pressed one thigh between her legs to relieve her of some of the tension of her desire and Lily found herself unconsciously rubbing against him as a powerful rush of arousal swept through her. It all felt good, so good that her lust filled brain left her in a haze. Each movement sent jolts of electricity racing through her. She felt wanton, she felt desired and she wanted James. Only James.

He moved them slowly and Lily found herself lifted lightly before sinking into the flush bed behind her. The sheets felt silky against her skin and James stretched his body on top of her, his arms at her sides as he kissed her. He moved his body to lean on his elbow as he continued, his hand tracing her breast before leaning down and covering her nipple with his mouth. He teased her nipple through the fabric while his hands moved down her body, pulling at her thighs to wrap around his waist and he thrust lightly into her barely covered body. Her hips moved instinctively against his, begging for more, a more she wasn't even aware she was sure of. It all felt so good…

He helped her out of her bra, pushing the straps out of the way as her breasts became loose and he cupped them in his hands, squeezing them gently, and then more firmly.

"You're so responsive," he whispered huskily in her ear before looking down at her with dark, passionate eyes that had Lily bringing his lips back to her own and kissing him deeply.

He lowered his head again, her muddled brain taking notice as he sucked her nipple deep into his mouth that had them turning a rosy shade that left her panting. She squeezed her eyes shut, biting her lips to muffle the sound she was sure was emerging from her lips but he seemed to have none of it as he bite her nipple and she gave a powerful cry. He flicked her nipple a few times with his tongue before moving to the other breast and repeating the sequence. She buried her fingers through his thick, messy hair and pulled his head closer to her breast and she felt his smile against her skin.

James continued playing with her breasts, switching to the other before she felt his fingers drift between her legs, flinching before James smoothed her legs gently, looking down at her calmly.

"I'm not going to hurt you," he said as he stroked her hip.

"I know," she breathed.

"We can stop…"

She shook her head too aroused to consider no. "No, I feel…"

But it seemed he understood because his hands moved low once more, his touch light and when he reached her lace underwear, he dragged one finger along the length of slit, thumbing over her clit and rubbing the fabric slowly against her sensitive skin.

"That feels, that feel so good," Lily uttered as his other hand came to rest at the top of her chest, flicking her nipple before James lowered his head and kissed her again, his fingers continuing their steady build. Lily moved her face away, needing to breath because her entire body was on fire and burning at his addictive touch. She kissed his neck and felt the low rumble in his chest as she arched into his body.

Her movements spurred him on as his fingers pushed faster and harder against her. Her breath started to hitch and the fabric was pressed roughly against her heated folds. His thumb rubbed her clit up and down as two fingers glided themselves inside her through the lace. Lily's hips rocked against the rhythm he created and she felt so hot, so hot everywhere.

One hand came up to play with her nipples some more, tugging at them as his other hand finally bypassed the fabric between her thighs and touched her bare skin that had her hips pushing more intensely against his hand. He increased his pace and he felt before she did her insides begin to tremble.

She arched into him, crying out and rocking faster as the pleasure she had never experienced before washed over her in intensive waves, one after the other as his fingers never slowed or calmed prolonging her pleasure with dark eyes boring down on her. "James."

The climax was something that came from deep within, her muscles collapsing in a domino effect as his fingers tempted their way deeper, more intimately that had her grinding desperately against him, contracting and yearning as she came hard against his hand. Just when she seemed to calm down he curled a finger within that had her eyes fly open, and her body shaking as moisture lapped all over James hands as she screamed his name once again in release.

She fell limply against the bed as he un-tucked his fingers. She blearily opened her eyes and James was looking down at her with a smug smile that had her reaching out for him and kissing him emotionally. He loomed large over her as he got up from the bed and she leaned up against her elbows as he stood between her open knees still fully clothed and glanced down at her.

"We can stop if you want," he offered hoarsely.

She shook her head and he nodded at her acceptance to continue and Lily felt a tremor shot through her as he pulled her legs abruptly towards him and stared at her opening. He traced the lines of her now defanged underwear and pulled it off, smirking at the soaking cloth. Lily blushed fiercely as James chuckled and dropped it on the floor with a thud.

He stood between her legs and stared for a moment before unbuttoning his shirt slowly and Lily breathed harshly as his bare and chiseled chest came into view, as she lay naked beneath him. Without warning, he lowered himself, pressing his mouth against her clit as his tongue found the hard nub and sucked it gently. Looking up at her, she was left open mouthed, the unfamiliar sensation leaving a nervous trickle down her throat before James gave her an explicit smile up at her before pressing his tongue once more causing Lily to moan deeply, her elbows collapsing below her.

With broad strokes and jabs, he teased her endlessly that left her moaning loudly. He brought his hand up and held her roughly against his mouth, sucking intently as she spurred against him. Her hands seemed hesitant at first to push his head but James brought one of his long hands up to her breast and pressed firmly against her nipple that left Lily squirming under him, a long moan escaping her mouth. He flicked her clit that had her rasping for breath before sliding his tongue against her slick opening and had his tongue dart deeper inside of her.

"Oh, oh James… please," she moaned inaudibly.

James seemed to have the answer to Lily's yearns because James took her clit hard into his teeth and sucked with abandon that had her crying out and pulling his face against her hard. James groaned at the sensation and her fingers tangled in his hair as she rocked against him. The tension surrounding her body was gradually built up again but James seemed to keep her at bay, pressing his hands against her thighs, her nub then back to her breasts as his tongue continually worked sucking her harder and firmer with each stroke.

Her thighs clamped down upon him as she gave out a husky moan but James didn't relent but kept sucking, pressing harder on her as her climax overtook her and she yelled his name in a pleasure she was sure had only existed in deep, forbidden fantasies.

"James. James. Oh, oh, Merlin!"

James didn't seem to be finished as he continued to lick even as her legs fell from his shoulders. He ignored her protests and kept sucking, kept lapping gently at her remaining moisture that was left behind, licking her thighs steadily as he sucked her clit that only initiated another smaller climax, and another, and then another before she violently pulled his hair up and his mouth to her lips. She wrapped her legs forcefully around him and moaned deeply into his mouth as she grinded up against him. She wanted to blush when she felt his wet face against hers but his adamant kiss left her forgetting anything but the pleasure of his hand inside her, his lips on hers and his legs between her.

She was still catching her breath when he his slick fingers found their way inside her once more.

"That's, that's good," she rasped as his hands moved further into her, dragging them back slowly in and out. Lily gave in, uncaring how exuberant she seemed by rocking against him as he slid a second finger that sent a grunt of pleasure through her that had her gripping his shoulders for leverage. She felt so wet, so wild for his touch that her hips were no longer touching the bed but twisting above her as his fingers disappeared within her more quickly and firmly with each stroke.

"So... so… James…good…"

Her moans were coming out quicker now, and James began stalling his actions that had her puffing in frustrated pants as she tried to reach her next climax but James began taking leisurely strokes as he refused to increase the pace as her thrusts against his hand became more and more frantic. And then watched stunned as he removed his hand and got up. He unbuttoned his pants, removing them and then his underwear and Lily tried not to gape as his large member pointed erected at her.

She let out a helpless giggle and James looked down at her, smiling at her nervousness. "Something funny, Evans?"

She bit her lip, shaking her head, as she got up on her elbows before reaching one of her hands to trace over his shaft, and he let out a gritted moan before grabbing onto her hand.

"No," he said gruffly, laying her back on the bed before lying above her without touching. "I'll lose it if you do that …"

She nodded her head innocently when he let her hand go and then kissed her completely as he lay fully nude against her. Her hands made their way around his back, drawing against his muscular shoulders, and there was something seriously erotic about her bare breasts against his own bare chest reminding her how aroused she had been.

"Lily," he whispered softly and looked heavily down at her, his eyes deep with arousal and love. She knew it was love. "I don't want to hurt you."

She shook her head and wrapped her arms around his neck and let them hang there. "You won't… You've made me feel amazing tonight…I want to be with you."

Lily had been waiting for this moment, she needed this moment and gave into it and kissed him to let him know it. His erection brushed against her thigh and he released her lips and looked down at her as he pressed inside her, barely moving within. He moved steadily and Lily kept from flinching but she couldn't help the shudder that leapt through her body.

"I'll try to be gentle," he said shakily, touching her hair lightly but she nodded at him.

He seemed to make a decision, and started kissing her intently that had her swallowing any ache of discomfort as he drove further into her body, stretching her in his fullness. He felt so hard within and she felt so hot and secure in his strong arms and for brief hazy moment she understood what it meant when the feeling of completion occurred.

"Merlin, Lily," he grunted as his precipitation slicked against her own chest as he held still, deep inside of her for a long moment and he began mumbling soft seductive words against her skin that intensified her feelings as he told her how much he dreamt about this, how much he had wanted this, how he needed this, them together forever and ever for always…

When he drew back and pushed forth again, her body tensed expecting the same sharp pain but she only felt a minor discomfort, as she seemed to writher beneath him. In that moment, the pain disappeared and Lily opened her eyes and mouth as a loud moan escaped her lips and his dark eyes met hers, as he plunged hard into her and kissed her bottom lip, moving slowly to her neck. She felt the hard strength of his legs between her own and she had never felt so out of control, so uninhibited. She would have let James do anything in that moment, anything…

"Oh Merlin, James, James," she whimpered as he thrust again. "This feels," un-focusing as he did it again. "This is…" and again.

He slowed his movements at her husky words but continued thrusting hard, staring adamantly into her eyes as she felt as if she was on the verge of something… as he paused a bit more between each stroke the anticipation seemed to mount to an frantic pulse with each hard drive.

"James!" she cried out forcefully and he grinned pleased down at her.

"Shhh," he responded. "I'm going to take care of you…"

She nodded her head as he pushed against her and brought her legs up to wrap around his hips, and she squeezed him tightly that sent shudders all the way down James' body that had him thrust more forcefully and Lily rocked against him as she gave in to the power he had over her. His hands wrapped around her hips as he surged forward and kissed her passionately.

He thrust into her again, and then again, pulling out and driving back immediately and Lily wasn't sure she even knew what was happening to her but she squeezed her eyes shut as her orgasm seemed to leak from between her pours and over her body as he James continued to rock against her, her hips matching his own as her clit was rubbed against the stiff hairs at the base of his shaft. She moved her hands down his body, resting at his butt and pushing him more forcefully against her telling him to bury himself deeper, harder, faster inside of her.

As her muscles relaxed and she seemed to recede, her body was left limp; almost dizzy under him and when he kissed her it was lazy, steady, as he remained hard inside of her and when he moved slightly, her muscles tightened once more making her think she must be crazy to need more, want more. She squeezed him instinctively and he groaned deep into her throat. She did it again and James moaned again and sat up, mock glaring at her.

James didn't stop but his half closed eyelids kept moving as she convulsed around him again as he thrust against her still moving hips hard, a fulfillment that had been aching deep in their souls emerging. Release came crashing through him as he yelled her name into her slick neck. He thrust into her a few more unsteady times before collapsing, his arms wrapping themselves around her like a brick wall as he pressed a kiss into her neck.

"That… that was the best, Lily. The best thing, amazing, I can't," but the words that seemed to be on the edge of his lips refused to surface and instead he kissed her cheek and neck and then her eyes and ended at her nose and looked seriously at her. "Perfect, Lily. That was beyond perfect."

She kissed him breathlessly, giving him everything in her because it was all she had. All she had to offer and she wanted to give him all of it because she felt more than limp and whole. She wanted to tell him that he could bury himself in her and she would take care of him. She would always take care of him. She wasn't leaving if he wasn't leaving.

"James," she sighed when he finally rolled off and carried her with him to ensure she lied securely against his chest. Her eyes drooped low but she tried to keep them open. "I want to stay awake," she uttered into his chest and she heard his deep laugh as he stroked her sweaty hair that laid over the two of them.

"Why?"

"I want this day to keep happening, I never want it to end."

He brought her face up to his and kissed her softly. When it ended he cupped her cheek and whispered, "If you fall asleep, we can make another one like it tomorrow."

+++

TBC

[evansnjames]

the "no headlights in paradise fic" is just...ahhhh i love it so much and i need more!!! i love sirius' and lily's friendship in this esp. chapter 3 ❤

Thank you so so much!!! That truly means so much that you took a moment to let me know <3

[evansnjames]

No Headlights in Paradise (3/11)

No Headlights in Paradise

Chapter Three – Memories are Magic

Summary: Timing wasn't right. Love decided they didn't belong. Memories are magic... Follow the story of James & Lily through Hogwarts to the Order of Phoenix where time is their looming adversary.

Song Choice: Haunted (Michael Diamond Remix) – Beyoncé

You can find it from the start at ff.net :)

*

"I'm doing this for you... This is the hardest thing I've ever done... I love you, Lily... Believe me, believe me, believe me."

The words were wafted like a repetitive drum beat against her head, and Lily heavily opened her eyes as she took in light of the day emerging from the window. The words, the final touches, his breath, it followed her with every movement as they seeped into her veins, haunting her. Because she still remembered the feel of his hands moving down her body, his whispered yearnings, the feel of his hand on her cheek that had her lower body withering. She couldn't escape it, she didn't want too.

"I love you, Lily," He had breathed into her hair before vanishing. He had told her he loved her, repeated it. But he was gone. She blinked slowly and took a deep breath. Was this what love was?

She ached. She was sore. And it made moving into her new apartment difficult because everything lately was a struggle. Listening to new voices, acknowledging new homes. The sun felt like it was beating ferociously against her smooth skin as she tried to soothe into her new surroundings. But it was foreign and she felt lost, mystified in overcast that had lingered ever since leaving behind the train station in London.

With a new roommate, a new apartment, a new school it should been shiny and original, a perfect opportunity for Lily to begin anew. But James wouldn't vacate her thoughts. And she let him stay there as she redrew his eyes, touched his hair, traced his smile… If she closed her eyes tightly enough she could almost imagine he was holding her in his arms, his breath against her neck.

She snapped her eyes open at the sensation. She was lying alone in bed. Alone. James wasn't coming for her.

"Accept it."

Her own words echoed, thundering in her ears as she climbed up and sat crossed legged in her alien surroundings.

"Hey! The sandwiches are ready."

Lily looked up and saw her new roommate standing in her open doorway. Sienna Montgomery, a blazing witch from America, had been listed as a potential living mate and when Lily had received her positive NEWT scores she had sent an owl to the girl. America, having a roommate from there, to Lily, felt entirely fresh. It was far away from the potential recast of Hogwart's roommates that had been waiting for her. And Sienna was vibrant, her energy blossoming into anything she touched even effecting Lily's glazed over arrival. Tall and gorgeous, Sienna didn't pry into why Lily was quiet or ask her questions. Lily wasn't sure the kind of impression she had left on her new roommate but she was grateful she didn't seem to be judging her to critically on it.

Both being Muggle born, they seemed to have an easy appreciation of each other; though it appeared Sienna hadn't nearly suffered as much for her Muggle birth as Lily. The two had yet to formally bond considering it had only been two days since the girls had moved into the apartment but Lily already knew she had finally made a successful decision. For Sienna, from first introductions, was carefree and untroubled that allowed Lily to feel at ease. And Lily remained determined not to isolate herself this time.

At this point, it seemed the only thing Lily did have was this apartment and her potential friendship with Sienna. Lily had spent two long and draining weeks with Petunia and Vernon. Their new house in Surry was immaculate, clean and new that Petunia harshly reminded her that if she spilled anything she would be kicked out instantly. Lily had grudgingly accepted the second-class behavior from her sister because she had nowhere to go before her classes started. And though Petunia had accepted her younger sister into her home, she had no problem reminding Lily that she was intruding on their honeymoon period of newlyweds. Barf, was Lily's silent response.

The second she could escape she did. To others, maybe moving in three months early would be daunting and saddening but even with James haunting her Lily knew this could be her chance. So she invested. Her room was a white purple and pink with lavender sheets and an almost white pink shade on the walls. Her off-white bed was reminiscent of Parisian stylistic features with carved wooden panels with the addition of silky Jersey covers entailed a welcoming comfort. The sunlight shone deeply into her room that provided her the feminine outlook she had always desired. No more clashing Gryffindor red.

Lily yawned at her before smiling shyly and getting up. "Thanks."

"Not a problem."

Sienna moved back to the kitchen and stood over the stove with a spatula in hand, her boyfriend jeans hanging limply from her figure with her overwhelming bordeaux sweatshirt hanging on her shoulders. Her long blonde hair was dangling in all directions as it fell limp from bun at the top of her head. There was no denying that Sienna was the definition of cool and Lily tried to ignore the feeling of being drab in her old brown sweater and faded blue jeans.

Lily sat across from Sienna on the bar stools they had acquired and watched as she flipped a sandwich easily.

"Okay, now I know we are magical and whatever but sometimes it's just easier to use Muggle weaponry!" Sienna declared as the cheese from the sandwich burned against the pan.

"Don't try saying that out loud," Lily said. "Some people already think Muggles killed wizards to get their magic."

Sienna grimaced and rolled her eyes at the idea as she placed the sandwiches in separate flowery plates.

"People these days," Sienna joked as she took her plate. "Want to eat on the porch?"

Lily nodded and they took their sandwiches past the lightly billowing curtains and sat in the two beach chairs they had found on the sidewalk that Sienna insisted they bring upstairs with them.

Lily took in her setting before taking a small bite, and then instantly groaned as the melted cheese consumed her senses. "This is amazing! What is this?"

"Grilled cheese, don't tell me you've never had it before!"

"I don't think so…" Lily said as she took another bite. "Did you put tomatoes in it?"

"Yup and a pound of butter so we should probably take a jog after this," Sienna teased as she chomped down on it.

"My dad used to make these when we were kids. Whenever I came home from school he just stacked these up for me. I never got enough."

"It was just your dad then?" Lily asked.

"Yeah," she said wistfully. "He's the best. My mom died when I was five and he just he took care of all of us. I'm sure it was much tougher on him then he let on but he never let on, you know? What about you?"

"It's just me and my sister now. Not that she's much. Ever since I got my letter from Hogwarts she happily reminded me that I am a freak."

"What?" she asked shocked.

"Yeah…we've only grown more apart since our parents died too. It makes me sad," Lily admitted.

"I can't even imagine… I'm so sorry."

Lily shrugged but gave Sienna a small smile of assurance. "I got used too it. I had Hogwarts and that was my home. Now I get to create a new one."

Sienna gave her a genuine smile and squeezed her hand. "It will be incredible. Cornwall has no idea what is coming towards it."

They finished their sandwiches, and Lily went inside to make them tea. She returned with two steaming mugs that Sienna greedily took from her hands sighed into the heat.

"It's so cold! It's supposed to be June too," she complained. "We should be going to the beach but I'm wearing a sweatshirt."

"Welcome to England," Lily said wryly.

"How have you done it for so long?" Sienna asked so seriously that Lily cracked a smile.

"Think of it this way… Cornwall is cold but we can look out at the water. Hogwarts was in the middle of nowhere and in Scotland. Colder."

"Ugh. Horrible," she shivered.

"Wasn't your school in Boston?"

"Nope. Washington State... but you're right in that Boston is like the London of Wizarding life in America. That's where the Congress is located anyway."

Lily brought her legs up to the chair and looked out to the lights dancing against the water. "Where are you from in the States?"

Sienna grinned. "Texas." Lily laughed and Sienna shrugged happily. "Houston. It's great," Sienna said with a nostalgic smile.

"Explains the weather epidemic you have."

"Yeah… I mean it can get cold like maybe four days of the year but mainly its warm."

"You miss it?" Lily asked softly and Sienna turned to her and gave her timid smile.

"All the time," she answered honestly as she mirrored Lily and hugged her legs, and set the cup down on the floor. "I just miss my family mainly. Every summer my dad has these elaborate barbeques and all the neighbors come over and it's just fun. My brothers are total goofballs."

"How many brothers do you have?"

Sienna gave her a broad grin. "Three. It's hell but I love them. I'm kinda in the middle. I mean I have two older brothers, Jack and Hunter. And than a younger one, Stuart," she said. "I'm probably closest with Stu though I don't know… I love them all. I just feel far away from them, now more so than usual."

"Then why come to England?" Lily asked quietly as she took another sip hoping Sienna wasn't offended by the question considering Lily was sure if she had a family she would have wanted to stay with them.

"I don't know… the school in the America didn't feel any closer. The Healing school actually is in Boston and I figured if I was going to go that far well, why not England? Though I think my dad was disappointed. I think he thought I was finally going to be around."

"Did he have a hard time with the whole magic thing?"

"Nah… I mean, it was a shock in the sense the 'wow magic' but then I think the second thing out of his mouth was 'oh, well that makes sense, explains why you're weird.' And then he hugged me told me not to forget where I came from. My brothers love it especially now that I can actually perform magic at home," she smiled wickedly at Lily. "I helped Jack blow up the neighbors flower pots before I left. He kept heckling him because Jack is on the football team at University of Texas and they had a rough season…"

Lily couldn't help giggling at the adventures Sienna told her with her brothers that had the two girls talking well into the day as Sienna in hushed laughs told her about how Stuart never did his homework when he was younger and sent Sienna Muggle mail to her school asking for magical help and the caretaker was so confounded by the letter he read it aloud at dinner by accident. It was innocent and relaxed, and Lily didn't even notice that not once she thought about James.

"What about you?" Sienna asked as she finished up her latest story that left Lily in stiches. "What's your story?"

And just as the easily Lily had noticed she wasn't thinking about James it resurged. "Not that interesting, grew up in Cokeworth its uh east… came to Hogwarts at eleven like everyone else. Nothing to terrible…" expect Snape, and Petunia, and James.

"What no boys?" Sienna acquired.

Lily shrugged non-responsively and Sienna looked her over and Lily knew instantly that Sienna was way more observant than she let on.

"You don't need to share it with me but you shouldn't hold it in," she murmured and Lily realized she hadn't spoken to anyone about what had happened and it begun to feel like boiling water surfacing against her throat.

"There was," Lily almost yelled before she could stop herself and looked up at Sienna almost desperately, Sienna sat back down slowly her face smooth, calming. "I, I had something… I don't really know how to explain it."

"How about the beginning?" she hinted.

"I don't think I can… I mean, we just never dated. We actually never even went on one date," she murmured hopelessly and looked up at Sienna and swallowed tightly. But Sienna sat by patiently and let Lily take her time. Let the tears trickle down her face and stayed silent as Lily explained it all to this random stranger who had shown her more compassion in the past two days then Lily was convinced anyone at Hogwarts ever had.

So she told her about Severus and his Dark Arts. How the failed relationship haunted her throughout her school career and the loneliness was overpowering. And how James had come on in what felt like a white horse and rescued her from that loneliness and suddenly all his friends were her friends and she felt safe and happy. Expect that she never thought that his friends had a price tag but it suddenly felt as if he was hers and she was his and he became everything to her…

"One day I woke up and I was just so in love with him it was as if I couldn't breath. But I was too scared to do anything about it because the day before I was convinced I hadn't been… And he would look at me and I would want to blurt it and then days I didn't want to blurt it because I was too scared of losing him. Then I would make all these justifications in my head like 'we don't have enough time' but all I ever wanted was for him to be touching me or talking to me or just being alone with me."

She explained to her the public embarrassment of the fight, the make out on the hospital bed and how he ignored her afterwards. How all of that hurt more then losing Snape, losing Petunia. When she finished and looked up at Sienna, she saw no judgment, pity or concern. Her eyes were kind, they were soft and loyal.

"I think I feel better," Lily actually said with a laugh as she sipped her untouched tea.

"I'm sure holding onto all that for so long didn't feel good."

Lily laughed a bit before shrugging. "I didn't really have anyone to share it with to be honest."

She looked at Sienna and it seemed Sienna knew, she didn't need to explain this part at all. "Well know you do."

They were quiet for a moment and Lily took deep breaths as her tears dried, and whatever was lodged in her throat relaxed. The air seemed to change around her, truly and Lily felt lighter, less trigger-happy.

"I've gotta ask… you haven't spoken to James since then?"

With a grim smile she shook her head. "No…"

"What about your other friends?"

"They were all his friends, really so no. Doubt they will too."

"Well," Sienna said seriously. "Their loss."

She got up so suddenly that Lily jumped and stared hard down at her. "We are going to go out and have fun tonight. You're going to forget about these silly Marauders. Find us some cute boys and remind you that there are many fish in the sea."

Lily couldn't help acquiescent. "Okay..." Maybe that really was what she needed, to just get out, meet new and move on. James wasn't coming after her.

"You know, I heard the boys down the hall talking. I swear I heard them using our language like they were talking about Hogwarts. We should investigate that later," Sienna said as she went with Lily to her room and looked through her closet. "What is this?" she asked horrified as she picked up a crumpling skirt.

Lily gave a helpless laugh. "A skirt?"

"We need to work on this," Sienna said intently. "This is not acceptable."

Together the girls ruffled through Lily's closet, with Sienna taking liberty and throwing things away, aghast that she had let her wardrobe get to this point.

"I mean, I know we are witches but Lily, c'mon!" she said holding up a pair of shirts that had holes.

They finally found a Sienna appropriate outfit that consisted of Sienna's cloths for Lily that was a light pink dress that swirled around Lily in all the right parts and left most of her back bare exposed expect for two thin strings that kept the dress a float.

"I think you're going to need stockings," Sienna said as she put on her own dress, a tight, royal purple long sleeved dress.

"Yeah?" she said as she already started rolling them on her. "I think I'm starting to agree with you. This is much to cold for June."

They walked together to the local pub, wobbling happily on the cobblestones and ignoring the stares they received from the strangers as they giggled at random walkers. Sienna's enthusiasm was infectious and Lily enjoyed walking through the old city with her as they pointed out beautiful sites or stores they wanted to come back too. They window-shopped the entire way, discussing how they wanted their apartment to be, enjoying the company of each other. They entered the crowded pub, which was dark and the floor sticky but it provided the necessary local atmosphere that showed everyone knew each other and was having a jolly time.

"Lily," Sienna said in a conspiratorial tone. "Those are the boys I was talking to you about." She pointed to a far corner where a group of rowdy boys were playing darts and arrows. "We need to go there."

"Wh-no!" But Sienna was already making her way through the crowd, grabbing Lily's hand without listening to hesitancy as she sat at the closet nearby table to them.

"Should we get a drink?" Sienna asked as she put her bag down and looked at Lily expectantly.

Lily sighed, giving in. "A pint of whatever you're having."

Sienna winked at her as she turned away and Lily was left staring at the establishment. The only bar she had ever been in was the Three Broomsticks. This was a far cry from that as it was most definitely a Muggle bar and filled with a variety of old and young.

Sienna returned with their drinks and a tall blonde guy. Of course.

"See Lily, I knew they were wizards," Sienna said slyly as she slipped onto her seat and beamed at the boy who was now towering over both of them.

The boy laughed at her comment and pulled out his hand to Lily. "Caleb Bellamy."

"Lily Evans," she said shaking his hand and her head.

Turning to Sienna she asked. "Did you just go up to him and ask him if he was a wizard?"

They both laughed. "Of course not!" she said. "He told me my wand was sticking out. It kind of rolled from there." Lily joined into the laugher at that.

"You girls new?" he asked conversationally as he slipped into the empty seat but before either of them could answer he whistled at his friends who turned at the sound and seemed instantly to brighten up that his friend had found girls and looked them up and down. Lily flushed as one of them made eye contact with her. "Fellas, we got ourselves some newbies."

Immediately they all seemed to congregate around the now crowded table and Sienna looked at Lily and winked in triumph.

"This is Sienna and Lily," Caleb introduced.

"You girls go to Hogwarts?" The tall dark redhead asked but Sienna shook her head.

"Nope, America all the way," that had all the boys either laughing to impress her or smiling. "Lily did."

Lily gave a tight smile as all eyes focused on her. "Just graduated."

"Quick," one of the boys said. "Usually people take a year off, can't handle all that studying. I know I couldn't!"

"That's cause you're useless," one said flicking him against the ear. "Lily flower here has much more brains than you."

Lily grimaced at the name and they all laughed at her reaction but she mumbled a "true" that had everyone at the table laughing.

"This is Samson," Caleb pointed to the boy who lacked 'brains'. "Ezra and Smetty."

With introductions out the way, Sienna was totally in her element. She chatted away with the boys, each of them seemingly enthralled with every word. Lily, true to form, remained quite and only answered when acknowledged even though Sienna did make effort to continuously keep her included. But her laconic replies left her largely out of the main conversation. But she compromised with herself that this was a different atmosphere and she just needed time getting used too everything.

"Hey," a voice said near her ear and Lily whipped her hair around that caught the boy. "Ouch."

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Lily begun, as she started moving, unsure what she planned on doing but the boy seemed amused and brought his hands to her shoulders.

"It's okay," he offered and let her go as Lily stopped wiggling about. "I didn't catch your name."

"Lily Evans," she answered as if she was apologizing. "You're Smetty."

"Yeah," and he seemed surprised she even remembered.

"Short for something?" she asked interested.

"Hippocrates Smethwyck," he said deadpanned and Lily let out a snort of laughter until she realized he was serious. "Sorry, it's just could your parent's couldn't have been anymore obvious, could they?"

Smetty offered her an assuring smile and laughed. "I come from a long decedents of Healers. Don't think I had much of a choice."

"Must have been made fun of a lot with a name like that," she murmured.

He gave her a sober look but Lily could see the teasing behind it. "Hippo, Smutty, you name it."

"Yeah?" But after that Lily didn't have much to offer and remained idol as she played her pint.

"This your first year?" he asked.

"Yes… You?"

"No, I'm actually a Field Healer right now. Filling in all my final requirements before I begin my residency at St. Mungo's as a Healer in Training."

"A Field Healer?" Lily asked, unfamiliar with the term.

"You know after you've completed the two year academic period, there's the three year application period?" Lily nodded. "There are a few options but I chose to a be a Field Healer. I'm finishing up though so I am mainly in reserves and working more as a Teaching Assistant but when the Auror's need Healers on the ground they call me or anyone else who has active reserve training."

Lily's stomach abruptly dropped at the word Auror that made it hard for her to hear anything else that came out of his mouth. She tried to gain her focus back but her heartbeat was out of control, which made it impossible for her to look Smetty or anyone else's in the eyes; especially as they all seemed to join the conversation at once. Her wild eyes made contact with Sienna who, though outwardly did not acknowledge the obvious distress signals, took the reins of the conversation.

"Wow, with the Aurors! Is it hard to get accepted?" Sienna asked.

"Depends on your qualifications, there's a special program for it here that makes it easier but it all depends if you are interested in the Dark Arts and want to work with it," Smetty said turning to her. "I came here for that program so it fits."

"Do they call you a lot?" Sienna asked.

"Lately less because I told them I need some time to refocus on studying for my Healer exams. But whenever they'll need me I have to go. Being in the reserves is part of the qualifications of joining the program."

Before Lily lost her confidence she asked: "Do you work with the Auror Academy too?"

The group looked over at her curiously and Lily explained. "It's just a lot of my friends just joined, from Hogwarts that is."

The faces turned sympathetic. "Not really because they aren't on the field yet. I think they join the field only a year afterwards… I'm not sure honestly, it probably depends what order they join, how elite they become within the Auror division."

"I bet they took whoever they could with everything going on," Caleb said.

"Is it hard to get in to this program at Cornwall?" Lily asked quietly.

Smetty gave her a curious glance. "Interested?"

"Maybe."

"It's hard but doable. They used to accept only five to seven every year but this year I think they broadened it as they need more Field Healers now."

"This sounds crazy. I bet you've seen some insane things," Sienna asked eagerly as Lily clamped up again after her questions were answered.

The boys laughed at Smetty who begun to answer but was interrupted. "Mate, don't steal our thunder already," Ezra said.

But Smetty shrugged and became somber. "Lately it's just been horrible. On both sides."

"With the war?" Sienna asked at the same time Samson asked, "Both sides?"

Smetty became thoughtful as he turned towards Samson. "It's humanity on both sides. It's best we don't forget that as we try to bring peace."

"I never understand why you joined to help the Auror's fight the Dark Arts but you remain such a pacifist," Samson uttered shaking his head that had agreed murmur from Ezra.

"I think you misunderstand my point, Samson," and the table around them became hushed even as the dwelling only grew louder. Lily's shattering heartbeat seemed to be replaced with the marvel of the political argument and wondered if this was what real life was. People with fully formed opinions. "Am I saying the Aurors are superfluous? Of course not. At any given moment they are working tirelessly to stand between the destruction of the Wizarding race and its annihilation from the Death Eaters. But we must remember that Auror power can only prevent. It can only prevent tragedy, prevent annihilation, prevent mass injury to the Wizard world but it will never win because our goals cannot be achieved through Auror power."

His words imploded into Lily's mind and she stared at Hippocrates Smethwyck in an entirely new light. Because she was staring not at a single-minded childhood boy but a man who had fully formed opinions based on real experiences. He wasn't speaking based on his own theory but based on his application… The subject was enchanting her, the idea of Aurors, fighting the war, what it meant and what it would achieve in the end bewitched her.

"This is way to serious," Caleb finally intervened even though Lily didn't want to stop talking about this; she needed more as questions rapidly flipped over in her head.

Smetty nodded his head and the group became quite even with Caleb's interruption.

"You went to Hogwarts?" Caleb finally asked her as Lily could see the quiet bothered him.

"Yeah…"

"Us too. What House where you in? I don't remember you," Caleb asked.

"Well you would have been at least five years older than her," Sienna offered dryly and Lily smiled gratefully.

"Gryffindor."

The boys laughed heartily. "Explains why you know so many people joining the Auror Academy. Gryffindor, you crazy kids."

Lily was mildly offended before Smetty gave her a kind smile. "Don't take offense to these idiots they just doesn't understand the concept of bravery and loyalty."

The boy who had said the comment sputtered and Lily offered Smetty a grateful smile.

"Where you in Gryffindor?" she asked hopefully.

"Ravenclaw though Caleb was," and Lily looked over at him and tried to think if she remembered him but he would have been a Fifth Year when she started…

The conversation flowed out of the initial awkwardness and well into the night, and though the boys originally had appeared a bit arrogant to Lily, she found herself enjoying their jokes and manner that even though it reminded her of the Marauders it provided her a semblance of comfort. She especially enjoyed Smetty as she found his remarks truthful, insightful and impactful. She had just never met anyone like him before but then again most of the people she had been surrounded with had been school children.

So the summer waved in this similar grace and the group of four boys plus her and Sienna began spending more and more time together that included going to the pub every night or during the day on Sundays, tanning at the beach or hiking trails. It was laid back, it was fun and Lily, for the first time in her life, had friends. These friends seemed to wake her up because waking up was fun. Because waking up meant playing chicken in the water with Ezra and Caleb, day drinking with Sienna and Samson, shopping for antiques or going camping with the entire group. It meant spending more time with Smetty and learning from him.

And these traditions didn't evaporate when school began, if anything they became stronger. More traditions arising with them like getting breakfast every Saturday and then shopping afterwards, with the boys coming over in the afternoon and Sienna and her cooking for them a Saturday lunch before they would rest and go out. Lunch during the school week was a formal affair that had them roaring in various spots on the school grounds, and studying in the library had never been less productive and more fun for Lily. She had once even got kicked out because Samson had kept blowing his voice up with his wand. They formed a squad on campus and Lily was more than included, she was essential.

Once the school year had begun, Lily had applied for the Auror Field Healer program and was accepted. The secretary who shared the news of her acceptance with her whispered that Albus Dumbledore himself had personally sent in a letter of recommendation, something she hadn't seen in the fifteen years she worked there. Lily was delighted but Smetty was correct as the program accepted ten new students instead of the competitive five. The training, spells and lessons were exceptionally hard and disgusting to learn. Learning in the program meant learning tactics and strategies of the Aurors in the field in order for the Healers to be prepared when they had to join missions or operations. These lessons made her somehow feel closer to James as she imagined she was learning what he was actually doing. But the amount of studying and homework was dreadful and impossible. It was just another reason she was becoming indebted to Smetty who would stay up and study with her, assist her whenever she was unsure and talk with her when she felt like her brain was melting.

Lily walked back to her apartment alone and she pondered happily how this was a rare occurrence. When she halted: she hadn't thought about James all day. Not only had she not thought about James today, she hadn't thought about him yesterday or the day before she was pretty sure. She was triumphant as she made her way back to the apartment and thought to herself time does heal all wounds.

When she unlocked the door, she found Caleb and Sienna studying on the floor in the living room and grinned cheerfully at them. Though Caleb had been putting the steady moves on Sienna all summer, Sienna played ignorant of them. When Lily mentioned her thoughts on Caleb's feelings, Sienna explained bluntly: "I can't just go for the first British guy who makes the moves. Anyways, blondes were never my style."

Lily felt bad for Caleb but Sienna had her own rights and she could never be against her. For Sienna had become Lily's "person." Her one person she could admit anything to without shame and could depend on her with full trust. It was solace she had never really known before but having someone on her side no matter how fiercely she was wrong was, well, nice.

"Hey, Evans," Caleb said as she closed the door.

Lily ignored the impact of how it felt for someone else to call her "Evans" but nodded "hi" before heading towards the kitchen to make herself a sandwich. It was Friday afternoon, a month since school started and Lily was exhausted, wanting nothing more then to cuddle in bed and read a book or daydream.

"What are your plans for the night, girls?" Caleb asked closing his book and moving to stand up and stretch.

"Nothing definite," Sienna answered copying his actions.

"Perfect, we are going to the pub."

"I don't know," Lily said as she looked up from the cutting board where she was chopping a tomato, and the two pair of eyes looked at her.

"What, Lily, no! It's Friday night, we are going out. It doesn't need to be with these dweebs though," Sienna pointed her thumb at Caleb who made a mock sigh of hurt by putting his hands over his heart.

"Lily, come one," Caleb said as he came over and sat on the barstool. "Smetty will be there…"

"I don't know why that is supposed to be an incentive," she said pointing her knife at him.

"You know magic can do that, right?"

"Ugh, you're like a train that won't stop talking," Lily said, sitting her knife down and glowering at him.

"So that means you're coming, right?" Caleb said smiling easily as he got up.

"Ugh, fine!"

Sienna laughed at the display and let Caleb out, telling him they would be around the pub at eight.

"Drinks will be had," he said down the hall.

"He is so annoying sometimes," Lily said before taking a bite of her sandwich.

Sienna rolled her eyes and started preparing her own sandwich and looked over at Lily who was now sitting on the barstool. "Smetty will be there though…"

"Why does everyone think that means something to me?" Lily asked defensively.

"Hey," Sienna relented. "All I know is that Caleb told me he was thinking of asking you out, wasn't sure though if you fancied him though."

Lily's mouth dropped open and gapped. "Wh-What?"

Sienna started laughing hysterically at Lily's expression and held her stomach as she tried to sit up straight. "Lily, have you really never thought about it?"

Lily shook her head because the idea of other boys really had been a far away thought. Even though she didn't think about James as much anymore it didn't mean she wasn't still in love with him… Smetty had made some sort of impact on Lily but on the base of someone Lily admired, a mentor.

Sienna stopped making her sandwich and looked at her plainly. "Lily, I know you had this ordeal with James and you told me you weren't ready to move on but Smetty is a good guy. He's an older guy. He won't play you around like James did and his ambition isn't to go off fighting Voldermort. You hear how he talks. Maybe you should just think about it a little longer."

Lily and Sienna arrived at the pub decked out. Lily had decided maybe she would consider the idea of Smetty. He after all considered the idea of her. With Sienna's help she chose a pair of high waist black, tight jeans ripped at her knee with a white, silky long sleeved shirt and a mustard scarf. She decided to put on red lipstick and for whatever materialistic reason it made her feel edgy. With the click of her boots on the ground the girls made their way over to the guys who were already sitting around a table with a pitcher of beer.

Today, the pub felt more crowded than usual, even for a Friday night and Lily and Sienna seriously considering Appariting to their table. When the boys did see Sienna and Lily they whistled that left Lily blushing as she happily took a drink from Caleb and sat herself next to Smetty.

"Looking good, Evans," Caleb said as his eyes roamed her down. Lily heated at the gaze but flushed when Smetty's eyes met hers.

Sienna hit Caleb over his head at his obvious lusty gaze and they all laughed.

The conversation flowed between the friends as always, and Lily found herself noticing for the first time the special attention Smetty was giving her as he bought her drinks, kept her in the conversation or played a game of darts with her and let her win. It was funny how attention from males wasn't something Lily was entirely used to considering James chased them off the second he decided Lily was his own property. Once she only had eyes for James she wouldn't have noticed the attention from males unless it was from James even if it slapped her in the face. But having Smetty so obviously pay attention to her was flattering and flustering at the same time. She remained unsure of her feelings however. She privately admitted to herself that he was handsome, extraordinarily effective as a Healer and gentle. Maybe gentle was exactly what she needed.

The group sat around the pub even as it started thinning out and continued to refill their pitcher. A few lingering groups remained surrounding them and when the pitcher was empty and not instantly refilled, Lily offered to get it.

As she approached the bar she did a double take at a table close by and narrowed her eyes at a broad frame with thick hair leaning over a group of men and one woman. She couldn't see his face but he felt oddly familiar. He must have been someone from Hogwarts, Lily concluded, as there were tons roaming around. Leaning against the bar as she waited for a new pitcher, her eyes landed again on the mystery figure. She ignored the sensation to study him but there was something about the way he was leaning, standing confidently as he moved his hands around… Her heartbeat quickened and was shaken out of reverie by the bartender.

"Love, you're pitcher," he said and Lily looked at him startled.

"Pitcher, right thanks," she said briskly, grabbing her order and tried moving to her table swiftly. Back to her friends. Her safe haven.

Forty more meters. Thirty more meters. Twenty more- a body blocked her and she looked up into the eyes of none other than Sirius Black. The pitcher collapsed onto the floor, shattering on the ground as the golden liquid spilled everywhere and a silence engulfed the entire pub as a few bus boys came rushing over and immediately started cleaning. But Lily paid them not heed because her eyes were locked with Sirius' and even though from the back of her eye she saw her friends get up and start moving towards them it didn't matter. Because the next second she was sheltered fiercely into his arms and hugged tightly by him.

He smelled like old spice and the woods, the Marauders always smelled like the woods. She sniffed into his black sweater and the comfort of touching something from home was all consuming, and when Sirius tried to release her she stayed in his arms because it was Sirius. An artifact that proved Hogwarts was once her home. A memory that reminded her that James did in fact exist. That he did love her…

"Merlin, Sirius," she uttered as he hugged her again and Lily laughed as she pulled away and examined him closely and saw that he had gained muscle in his shoulders and arms but his face looked worn, tired, drained.

"I forgot you went here," he muttered as he left her in his arms. "It's so good to see you."

"Are you here alone-?" Lily asked as she looked over his shoulder but didn't recognize any of the faces that seemed to be staring dumbly at them. She imagined her friends weren't any better.

"James isn't here," he said kindly but straight to the point and Lily wanted to feel guilty but even so, seeing Sirius felt so good. There was something about Sirius Black that always brought a smile to her face.

"What are you doing here? Are you okay? How are you?" Lily started but even before she could begin, her friends and his own group came over and all Lily wanted to do was escape and question him for hours. She had some much bottled inside of her. So many questions to ask.

Funny, how only today she had thought she had moved on. But had she moved on or merely forgotten? What did it mean that the second she saw Sirius she wanted all the answer, about James and himself, Marlene and Mary? The reminder of Sirius made her ravenous for it.

"Lily," Smetty stated firmly and made his way towards her.

She was forced to turn around and look at her staggered friends.

"Oh, sorry!" Lily said quickly. "Sirius these are my friends from school," pointing to the group. "Sirius was a friend from Hogwarts. I haven't seen him since we graduated," she turned back to him and grinned but Sirius was staring intently at Smetty and Lily felt the tension thicken.

She looked over at Sienna, who always knew what to do, and though she seemed to be gazing at Sirius dazedly she seemed to snap out of it and take control at Lily's shove. "It's great to meet you!" she said taking his hand without him realizing what was happening and his eyes met hers and stilled. Sienna, after all, was gorgeous and had that effect on most men, even the notorious Sirius Black. "I've heard so much about you."

It was clear to Sirius that Sienna meant James but it seemed to do the trick and Sirius grinned at her before looking over at Lily. "Yeah?"

Lily blushed but smiled anyways. She couldn't help but going back into his arms, she felt secure.

"Who are your friends?" Sienna volunteered, and Lily had never been more grateful.

"This is Caradoc, Edgar and Dorcas. This is Lily Evans."

They all nodded their heads at each other and Dorcas gazed at Lily intrigued before turning to Sirius. "I think we'll head out."

He nodded but kept his grip firm on Lily. "I'll stay, meet up later."

She nodded slowly as Sirius's group clasped him on his back. "You need to be back before noon."

"I know, Dorcas," Sirius said clearly. Lily felt Dorcas give her a gaze over once more before leaving with the group.

Lily had a million and a half questions for Sirius but knew they would have to wait once they were alone. She would have rushed him out then but Sirius followed her group of friends back to the table and Sirius helped himself to a pint of beer that had obviously been brought to the table to replace the broken one.

"Evans," Sirius smiled broadly shaking his head.

"This is crazy! What are the chances?"

"You lot in the same class?" Ezra asked.

"Same class, same House, same friends," Sirius answered, taking another sip. "Lily was always trying to beat me at Charms but never could."

"Hey!" Lily said, hitting him on his shoulder. "I was first in our year."

Sirius grinned good-naturedly. "You all went to Hogwarts too?"

They nodded their heads and an unfamiliar tension seemed to pass the room when they didn't elaborate. Lily answered for them. "Yeah, but there all Ravenclaws, expect Caleb! He was in Gryffindor. But they were big Fifth Years when we got there."

"Must have been a fight to see who got Prefect in Ravenclaw that year," Sirius attempted to silence.

"But Sienna went to school in the States," Lily urged on and looked at her desperately, which wasn't even needed as she took the reins.

"Yup, can't help but bring some Americaness to this English stuffiness," Sienna started and flashed her eyes towards Sirius.

Sirius seemed to consider Sienna and as their two gazes met, Lily felt like she was interrupting something. "Are you now? Where from?"

For the first time, Lily saw Sienna flustered and stumble a bit over her words. "Texas."

"I hear they like it all big there," Sirius offered.

"We do."

Caleb broke the tension between them, as he seemed to seize up his apparent competition. "So what are you doing now, Sirius?"

Sirius broke his gaze with Sienna and looked at his fellow Gryffindor. "First Year Auror Trainee."

The boy nodded and it didn't seem to lessen the tension because of obvious respect. "What you are doing in Cornwall?"

Sirius paused, looked at Lily, and then back at Caleb. "Business."

"What business?" Caleb ventured.

Sirius looked at Lily again before answering. "Classified, sorry."

Lily looked over at him and begun laughing. "Classified, Sirius, you just started!"

But the look he gave her told her exactly what she had dreaded. Yes they had started. But they were in the thick of things. And not just him, James too.

"How long are you in town for?" Ezra asked as the conversation kept breaking up.

"A day or too, not sure really. Depends…"

"Sirius, you said," Smetty asked suddenly. "As in Sirius Black?"

"That's right," Sirius said with a sardonic smile.

"I thought all you Black's were in Slytherin," Smetty questioned.

"Guess I broke the mold."

"Narcissa Black was in our year," Samson regarded. "You're sister?"

"Cousin," Sirius flashed. "But I've been disowned since then."

"Disowned?" Samson asked interested, and of all the boys Samson and Ezra seemed to be the more welcoming and Lily was immensely grateful for it.

"Ran away when I was 16. Couldn't deal with all the blood purity idiocy. Joining the Aurors probably didn't help my family inheritance though."

Ezra and Samson laughed, and Sienna bit her lip. Smetty stared at him stony.

"Brave of you to join the Aurors," Ezra said.

"Someone has too," Sirius said plainly. "Couldn't think of anything else I would want to do."

"Than beat Death Eaters?" Smetty asked.

At Smetty's question, Sirius turned his head and considered him. "Like I said someone has too."

"And what do you think about that power?" he challenged and Lily had never heard him speak so overweening.

Sirius didn't speak at first but collected his thoughts. "I'm making the difference that I can make, that I want to make, in stopping this war. I'm defending what's right, trying to do the right thing."

"But what is 'right', what does 'right' even mean?" Smetty continued. "Isn't a 'right' not when you claim it but when others think it of you? That is to say if you really want to make a difference isn't that in politics… Aurors, for all the bravery, are just shields of the commands."

Lily could feel the steam coming through Sirius ears and Lily stared wildly at Sienna who stared back at her just as baffled. This was happening and it seemed Smetty didn't even realize he choosing the wrong person from Lily's past!

Sirius narrowed his eyes at him. "Aurors aren't the face of this fight but we are what keeps the leaders truthful."

Smetty seemed to take in Sirius' words. "But do you think, hypothetically, that if tomorrow comes and you Auror's on the direction of your leaders do defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, do you really think he is the variable?"

"What I do know," Sirius growled. "Is that if we can defeat Voldermort than lives will be saved. And that is a constant I can help create."

Lily wasn't going to survive this conversation and she was freaking out. She grabbed Sirius hand and pulled at his sleeve that forced him to stand from his bar stool and looked down at her. His eyes were still blazing at the conversation and Lily had to get him out of there, quickly. Smetty was smart but Lily knew all to well that Sirius had no problem starting or winning duels in the middle of the Muggle pub.

"Right, well, this has been fascinating, truly. We're going to jet," Lily said thankfully. "Catch up, do what friends do and not bore you lot with the specifics."

The group seemed relieved when Lily and Sirius walked away. Their happiness at seeing each other seemed to have vanished and Lily was desperate to regain it, especially a tense Sirius was not something she was accustomed too. And she wanted her questions answered.

Lily led him away from the old city and towards the beach, where she decided the best location was always near the water even though she was not dressed for it with only a light jacket. She squinted her eyes as the lamps of the city grew further away and what was left was the glittering moonlight against the black ocean. They walked quietly for a few more seconds as the sound of the sand crunched beneath them before Sirius turned to her and flick over her, his demeanor finally relaxed.

"You look good, Lily. Really," he said seriously.

Lily blushed. "I like it here."

"I'm glad," he said quietly.

"Are you going to go back and report that? That I'm happy," Lily asked shyly.

He didn't answer at first and Lily gave him a side glance. "Depends… are you with that Smetty bloke?" Sirius asked point blank.

The shyness evaporated. "Of course not."

"You plan on going out with him?"

"Sirius!" Lily said sharply. "I don't plan on anything but it's none of your business or James!"

"You were the one talking about reporting back," Sirius snorted.

"Well you can tell James that I'm still in love with him," she was so angry at the accusation, she didn't care how silly it was that she was still in love with James four months after he left her. "And you can tell him also that I have no plans on going out with anyone in the near future because I'm still heartbroken. Good enough?" But she didn't wait for answer and stormed off.

Sirius easily caught up with her and grabbed her shoulder. "Lily," he said gently. "I'm sorry. Don't be mad."

She pulled her arm away and glared at him. "You should be sorry, and I am mad! James left me. Not the other way around. So he shouldn't care at all if I fancy anyone."

Sirius looked at her dubiously. "Lily…"

"Don't 'Lily' me. I saw how that Dorcas girl looked at me. Is James going out with her?!"

Sirius let out a bark of laughter and Lily's stupor ceased at seeing him giggle. "James Dorcas? Lily, are you soft in the head?" he didn't wait for her confused face to comprehend what was happening. "She was looking at you 'funny' because she wanted a peek at the girl James is obsessed with because is that everyone knows because he can't even hide it."

Lily was stupefied as she stared at Sirius because she never allowed herself, not once, to consider that James…

"Lily, he's a mess," Sirius said tenderly.

Lily's tried to shut down her heart but it wasn't cooperating. "You, you said that to me before and it didn't get me very far."

Sirius brought her sideways and glanced down at her kindly. "Lily, everyday, as long as we aren't in emergency situations, we have from a time out from 11:30pm to 12:00am were we write letters or floo someone if it's safe. Lily he's written you every single one of those time outs-"

"I've never received a letter-" Lily begun but Sirius caught her off.

"Because he won't send them. In his own way he thinks is protecting you but Lily, you have to know you're all he cares about. You're all he thinks about. Abandoning you at the train station was his biggest mistake because it didn't do him any good."

Lily was paralyzed, and even more disgusting she wanted to know more. Greedy for more details about how James thought about her and wanted her and obsessed with her. "Sirius… I'm mad," she decided. "Confused too."

"Lily, he's my best friend. And he's miserable. It's like he goes on missions, completes them and then just thinks about you and it's a never ending cycle."

"Missions," Lily said roughly.

Sirius paused, and the way he didn't meet her eyes told her that he wasn't going to share with her what the two of them already knew that she knew. "We are in the Auror Academy. We obviously have missions."

Maybe not knowing was better.

"Just promise," Lily started and came forward and took his hand in hers. She looked at him hard. "That you'll take care of yourself."

"I solemnly swear," he whispered.

*

Lily stretched out her legs that felt extraordinarily sore as she and Sirius walked the beach till the early pink hours of dawn. She offered Sirius the couch and he collapsed exhausted onto it with all his clothes on. Lily crawled into bed and forced her eyes shut and duct taped the memories of James out. She couldn't think about James being miserable because of her, wouldn't let herself be a moment gleeful about either.

Lily walked into the brightly lit room and felt the breeze of the ocean. The porch door was open and Lily glimpsed at Sirius still sleeping form before heading out to the porch where Sienna was sipping her coffee. She looked up at her when she sat down. She didn't say anything at first and wondered what there was to say and if she was supposed to say anything.

"So yesterday," Sienna began and Lily gave her a dry smile before collapsing on the wooden bench the two girls splurged on. The pillow underneath felt squishy and warm and Lily brought her legs up as she stared into the ocean, wondering if James was near the ocean too.

"So assuming Sirius isn't James, is he one of his friends?" Sienna asked casually.

"More like brother," Lily answered.

"To bad Smetty didn't know that," Sienna laughed.

"Oh god, that was horrible," Lily said putting her head between her hands.

Sienna sniggered "After you left, I've never seen calm Smetty like this before. Like so unsure and he wanted to hound me so bad on what I knew but was too polite to ask anything."

Lily let out a humorless laugh and shook her head.

Sienna was quiet then and took another sip of her coffee. "Lily," and the obvious affection in her voice made Lily give her a genuine smile. "I know seeing Sirius probably brought up a lot of memories… but James isn't going to be popping into Cornwall."

Lily wrapped her hands tighter around her legs and put her head on them as she looked over at Sienna and gave her a sad smile. "I keep hoping that he will. It's so silly but… What happened with Sirius, I imagined it a million times with James. And just when I thought I was moving on, Sirius is passed out on my couch telling me stories about how James is miserable and it's like – no one needs to be miserable but we're both miserable and alone."

"Eventually, Lily, time heals the wound… It's cliché but true," Sienna said.

"I keep hearing my mom tell me that in my head, you know?" she said facing Sienna and forcing the tears back. "But at least with my parents it's like… I have no reminders. I don't live in my old town, I have no family friends and my sister doesn't keep in touch. So it's like it faded away but if I bring up a memory it hurts so bad. So did time heal it or did I just forget? It's the same thing with James."

They were quiet for a moment before Lily allowed her wildest dreams to be confessed. "It's like the Wizarding community is so small, especially in England. And I just want desperately to run into him so I look for him everywhere. And if I can't run into him I just want to run into someone who knows him. Or have a mutual acquaintance or something so I ask everyone I meet about something that may be connected to James so I can just talk about that thing that is connected to James that may eventually lead to talking about James. I'm haunted because the Wizarding community is small and they all do know him… But no one knows me so does he even remember me?"

"Oh, Lily," Sienna said and hugged her. "Of course, didn't you just say Sirius told you he was miserable?"

Lily nodded and regained her composure but Sienna still sat close. "This whole love thing… It's just not what I thought it was or imagined. Like I love James. I know he loves me. But it's not enough… When people get together what they don't seem to tell you is that loving each other is not the key because if it was the key then- but it's like me and James are this destructive pair around each other because we can't get it together, and love isn't the problem. It's like together we are more toxic then not and I don't know how to get out of that."

Sienna didn't have time to respond because Sirius walked onto the porch and leered good-naturedly at the two girls sitting. "Morning, ladies. You two look quite dashing."

The two girls giggled at his flirtation and Sienna got up and glanced over at Sirius, flashing him a smile before flipping her hair over she shoulder. "Coffee?"

Lily wanted to laugh at the way he looked at her, as if he wanted to devour her, but she maintained a neutral face. "Sure." Sienna walked out, flipping her hips as she entered the kitchen. Sirius stared at her backside before settling back onto a leftover beach chair. Lily gave him a knowing look as Sirius grinned. "What? She's cute."

"I'm sure that's exactly how she wants you to describe her," Lily snickered.

Sirius rolled his eyes and the two remained silent as they watched the waves roll onto the sand before Sienna returned with Sirius's coffee. He took hold of it, looking into Sienna's striking blue eyes for a moment before taking a large gulp, the heat of the drink apparently not affecting him. "Wish I could stay but I gotta make some moves."

"Already?" Sienna asked, attempting to cover up the dismay in her voice.

"Business calls. But who knows maybe another trip to Cornwall will take place. I like it here."

Sirius slurped the rest of his coffee and made his way back into the apartment. He hugged Sienna quickly goodbye, almost as if he was reluctant to touch her but Sienna wrapped her thin body around his and kissed his cheek. He stared down at her for a moment before releasing her. She stepped back as he shook himself out of a daze then turned to Lily. He gripped her firmly in his arms and looked down at her with a sincerity that moved her.

"Be good," he murmured into her hair. She nodded and looked into his soft brown eyes once more and kissed his cheek.

"Be safe," she said. He nodded.

Sirius released her and opened the door to find Smetty with his hand ready to knock. "Uh hey."

"Hey," Sienna chirped. "Sirius was just leaving. Come in," she offered as Smetty came inside the now crowded doorway.

Sirius glared at Smetty who seemed to match his gaze. "Yup, just leaving. But never far, yeah?"

Lily's eyes widened horrified and pushed Sirius out the door. "Sirius!"

He grinned wickedly at her and waved before turning down the hallway.

"Want coffee?" Sienna asked Smetty as she moved towards the kitchen.

"I already had some this morning, thanks," he responded politely before glancing at Lily who was still staring at the spot Sirius has vacated. "Lily, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Lily looked over at him quickly before nodding. She closed the door as Sienna looked at her with gleaming eyes. "Right, I'll make myself indisposed."

The two made their ways to the living room and sat on the flush couch. Smetty sat facing her and Lily looked out at the waving curtains. "Did you have something with him?" Smetty asked point blank and Lily finally twisted around and looked at him shocked. Smetty was never blunt like this and it almost made Lily grin.

"No," she said kindly.

"Oh," he said off guard. "It just, you two seemed very close."

"He's my friend. He's known me since I was eleven. Of course we are close," Lily said purely.

"I didn't mean to imply…" Smetty shook his head in self-depravation. "I'm doing this all wrong, aren't I?" and gave her disgruntled smile.

"What are you trying to do exactly?" Lily asked earnestly.

He looked over at her and seemed to gain strength for Lily's obvious kindness. "Lily, you know I like you. It's not a secret." He paused. "I'm trying to ask you out."

"Oh," Lily formed and swallowed. "Right."

The silence was pregnant and Lily twisted her hair behind her ear. This was horrible timing.

"You can say 'no', I won't be offended," he offered with warm eyes.

"No, I'm sorry. You just took me off guard, is all."

"Are you surprised?" he said with such patience that Lily's heart thumped painfully against her chest.

Lily gave him a small smile. "I just haven't thought about anyone in that way in a long time."

He took her words in slowly and nodded his head. "Was there someone else?"

Lily shook her head dejectedly. "No, there is no one else…" But I wish he was, she didn't add. He didn't respond but it seemed he received the full picture. "I'm sorry. I really didn't know you liked me and I never meant for any of this to get out of hand."

"Lily," he chuckled. "You just acted like yourself, any guy would want you to go out with him."

She blushed at his kind words and he got up. Lily followed and when they reached the door Lily hugged him unexpectedly. "I'm sorry, I'm just still heartbroken. Sienna said time heals these things or whatever."

He looked down at her steadily and took a piece of her hair and pushed it behind her ear. "I'm not into triangles, Lily. But I like you and I'm here. Whoever left you, he's not. I don't know what happened but if you're interested and open to it, I am," he stated simply.

Lily watched him leave and then closed the door behind him and fell to the ground as Sienna opened her door and laughed at Lily's distressed state. "What a morning, huh? What a night!" Lily groaned as Sienna stepped over her. "Want coffee?"

"Yes," Lily mumbled but didn't get up from her place on the floor. Sienna came to her crumpled body and handed her the steaming mug and laid down next to her on the floor.

"Soooooo what's Black's story?" Sienna asked nonchalantly that wasn't nonchalant at all.

"Someone have a little crush?" Lily teased.

"No," Sienna grumbled.

"Right," Lily drawled.

At the continued silence, Sienna finally twisted around and frowned, "Well?"

Lily rolled her eyes and got up from the floor, Sienna followed. "You don't want to go there."

"Go where?" Sienna demanded.

Lily turned around and faced her friend. "Sirius. He's all play."

"That's not what I asked," Sienna noted.

"Well, what exactly do you want to know?" Lily said as she moved to her room this time and lay on her bed exhausted from the changing emotions of this morning. Sienna came into her room and sat on the side and looked down at Lily. Briefly, Lily remembered sitting similarly to when James laid in the hospital wing and her heart fluttered as it tried to fight him out.

"I'm not sure exactly… There's something about him," she mumbled.

"You and all girls, I'm sure," Lily intoned and Sienna narrowed her eyes at her.

"Be kind, Lily." Lily smirked at her and pulled at the dangly hair. "Ow!"

"Don't be a baby. Sirius doesn't like that," Lily kid and Sienna's eyes widened before she tackled Lily and started tickling her who collapsed into giggles.

Later, after she fended off questions about Sirius from Sienna who ended up going on a date with Caleb that night, Lily strolled the beach alone this time. It wasn't like anything was going to change anytime soon with James. James was still not talking to her, she still didn't know where he was, and now she had started a new life. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be?

TBC

*

AN: Just FYI, this story was supposed to be 10 chapters but this chapter got way out of control so for now it's 11... I figured 'yay' more for everyone! But good thing is that I already started the next one because I realized then it would just be a million and a half pages. Figured, let's spread the love.

[evansnjames]

No Headlights in Paradise (2/10)

No Headlights in Paradise

Chapter 2 – Love Decided They Didn't Belong

Song choice: Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Ray

Summary: Timing wasn’t right. Love decided they didn’t belong… Follow the story of James & Lily through Hogwarts to the Order of Phoenix where time is their looming adversary. 

Can be be found from the beginning on ff.net ! 

*

Lily had pretended to be asleep when Mary and Marlene had walked in post her second vicious argument with James because everyone was always going to side with James. She was after all Lily the Gryffindor outcast. She wouldn't put it past Mary to confront her even in her moment of utter despair but she heard the hushed whispers and maybe tonight they would reprieve her. She was miserable all on her own; there was no need to add to it.

Her fight with James followed her into the night, allowing her to stare blankly at her canopy as the twinkling dawn passed her by and the blazing light of the summer morning remaindered her not so gently that fights with James Potter did not make time stop. The idea of facing everyone sent dread into her, and faking sleep seemed like the better option of facing a House that she was sure never believed she belonged with them to begin with.

Her two roommates woke with the morning light and headed to breakfast as usual. As they made their own morning commotion, Lily tried not to huff into her pillow as it seemed her sleep was of little concern to them. She hugged her pillow more fiercely and when the door was closed shut she released the desperate sob she had been concealing. Hugging her pillow did nothing to soothe the deep stirring ache in her heart as if it refused to dissolve but instead spread more forcefully and thoroughly as if acid.

She gulped as tears leaked horribly down her face, and she had never felt more alone at Hogwarts then she did in those moments for even if she needed a friend, she had none. It was an all-consuming misery that would not resolve itself until she left Hogwarts because with a deafening clarity she knew it wouldn't be all right. It wouldn't be as long as James walked these halls and she witnessed him laughing in class, riding his broomstick or flirting with the teachers.

So she continued to cry and allow the aching, painful mess that she had become to be all encompassing as she skipped breakfast and lunch and ignored all responsibilities.And they hadn't even been together, she reminded herself spitefully.

"Lily," she heard as a shadow appeared at her drapes.

She didn't answer but couldn't pretend to be asleep as she sniffled into wetly into her pillow.

"Lily," she heard again but she rolled over and contained her sobs momentarily until the person drifted away.

As the day turned into night and the darkness engulfed her, she wondered if James was thinking about her. If he would see the silhouette of the moon and think about her in the same moment she was thinking about him. Yet, as the day passed into the next day, she reminded herself the ache would stop if she could escape Hogwarts. Escaping Hogwarts involved surviving her NEWT's. NEWT's, she reminded herself, would also distract her from the misery cutting into her bones.

With that, she got up, pulled her hair into a ponytail, put on her father's old college jersey, a pair of ripped jeans and sneakers. She laughed when she looked at herself in the mirror. She looked anything but magical but an ordinary Muggle, but they weren't all ordinary, were they… She tried to hide away her distressing purple eyes but gave into them. Maybe the misery look was in style these days.

As she began packing her school bag of all the materials she needed she mused that she knew it would come to this. Her alone, messing it all up all over again by choosing the person that she just wasn't meant to be with. First Severus, now James. Sometimes, in her darkest thoughts, she wondered if she had just gone to school with the Muggles, squashed out the magic and allowed herself to be normal like Petunia, if it all would have been okay. Her and Petunia most certainly would have been on better terms. Yet, even as the thoughts would seep into her, she dismissed them immediately. There was no squashing magic that essentially reminded her that the Wizarding world was where she belonged.

She smiled at her self sadly, and then reminded herself that she would not be victim of her circumstances. So she mustered up a deep breath and made her way down to the common room and ignored the stares on her skin that made her itchy, avoided any glances that would have allowed her to stumble upon the messy hair of James Potter and made her way to the Great Hall.

And even though she ate her food silently and was convinced that people were not only staring but also pointing, Lily continued to eat and ignored the sinking, isolated feeling in consuming the pit of her stomach that liked whispering how she had no friends. It was moments like this that forced Lily to have self-reflection. She was keenly aware that she had a few admirers at Hogwarts. Her lack of trust, her reserved attitude and the fact that entering Hogwarts she had pre-chosen best friend had always made Lily defensive.

This has changed since James embraced her and took it upon himself to ensure she was a well-liked student but it also depended on James approval apparently. Breaking James Potter's heart didn't seem to bode well for her school popularity. And she was quite positive that James would not come to her rescue in this instance.

Finishing her porridge, Lily got up and left the room and walked towards the library. She was mentally outlining her preparations for studying when she ran into a solid wall. Or not wall, human chest that was made of cement, she concluded. A secure grip took her by her elbows and she was faced with the brown eyes of Sirius Black.

She wasn't exactly sure what she was supposed to say to her best friend's best friend? The Marauders, for their good will and intention, were James' friends primarily. What did they have in common without him? Not much, she concluded with a sad lump in her throat. So she remained staring stupidly at him until he would break the silence. Silence was always the firmest tool she believed to get people talking.

"Lily, hey," he said gently as he straightened her and let go.

She decided a tight smile sufficed.

"How are you?" he asked kindly. Don't confuse kindness with pity, Lily remarked darkly in her thoughts.

"Sirius, you don't have to do this."

"This… standing?" he joked and Lily cracked a small smile.

She shrugged her shoulders and pointed at her self. "We're not friends."

"Lily," he said amused. "I'm sorry to break it to you, we're friends."

His affectionate words caused tears to spill over her eyes and Sirius laid a hand on her shoulder and hugged her with comforting arms, as if he knew exactly the despair she had been feeling. Lily found herself hugging him back as her misery was acknowledged with gentleness.

As she finally controlled herself, she smiled brokenly. "Thanks, I needed that."

He laughed but he wasn't smiling and then hugged her again.

"Library?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Me too."

So they walked silently to the library, arm in arm and Lily took comfort in the camaraderie between them and found herself joking and studying next to him all day. Momentarily forgetting about James. And as they walked back to the dorm and were about to part he hesitated before saying, "James, he's more miserable than you."

"I doubt that," Lily said as a tremor raced through her heart, unwilling for hope to linger.

"He is, Lily. I probably shouldn't even tell you this but he sits on his bed all day and stares at the ceiling. I know him, he feels like he's missed his chance."

"But- but he hasn't!"

Sirius shrugged his shoulders because they both knew there was no telling James what to do, and when he saw the sparkly tears in her eyes again he hugged her. "I wish James would let me comfort him this way."

Lily laughed but didn't say anything in addition and they separated making their way to their respective dormitories.

Entering into her room, she found Marlene and Mary sitting on Mary's bed. They both looked up at her as she walked in and for some reason their gazes made Lily shrink inside.

"Hey," Lily said hoarsely, making her way towards her own bed and laying down against the cushion of her mattress.

Marlene quietly acknowledged her with a nod but Mary scowled at her. Lily confusingly glanced at Marlene but Marlene wasn't facing her, actually she was looking at anything but her.

"What gives?" Lily asked reluctantly.

"We saw you with Sirius," Mary accused as she ignored Marlene's hiss to shut up.

Lily was too tired for these dramatics and after her good day with Sirius she decided to just not say anything. Instead, she lay back in her bed and picked up the first book she found, A History of Magic.

"You're just going to lay there? Don't you have something to say for yourself?" Mary continued.

"Nope," Lily uttered, and seriously considered drawing her curtains but thought better of it. Maybe her haughtiness wasn't worth it. The two girls after all were her roommates, her somewhat friends for the last seven years.

With that thought Lily closed her book and faced them and was about to make a peace offering until Mary opened her mouth again. "You don't see us hanging around James."

Lily's mouth hung open at the claim and she strained herself from rolling her eyes. "That's rich but by all means hang out with him. I don't care."

"You're heartless."

"What?" Lily said sharply to her roommate, looking at Marlene for some sort of reprimand but it didn't come. Her and Mary always quarreled but this seemed to be taking it too far.

"It's like you don't care about any of your friends feelings. I mean hanging around Sirius even though you know how it hurts Marlene!"

Lily looked over at her for a second before literally laughing humorlessly as she collapsed with her hands up. "I give up."

"You think this is funny?" Marlene said as she looked over at Lily. When she didn't answer Marlene snorted. "You're so full of it, Lily."

"Wh-What?" shocked, Lily twisted her head and looked at Marlene whose face was usually so kind.

"You're laying there looking miserable and crying for days, and you and James didn't even go on one date! But you're my friend and I respect you enough to know that me hanging around James would probably make it worse," Marlene began, her voice only getting higher and higher as she yelled at Lily. "And here I am trying to the considerate thing by not hanging around James and here you are spending the entire day with Sirius!"

"Marlene," Lily started, uncertain how to approach the delicate subject. "I would never ask either of you to not hang out with your friend."

"Lily, he cheated on me!" the words quieted Lily immediately and caused her to swallow her retort as Marlene attempted to compose herself with tears. "Sirius cheated on me and you're out making pottery with him and he cheated on me or did you forget?"

"Marlene… it's not like that… I just I needed a friend."

"Just shut up, Lily!" Marlene huffed as she glared at her. "I mean for god sake, I'm your friend. It's like your magnet, you keep choosing the people who can't help you."

Lily crossed her arms around her stomach and looked down. "Please, stop."

"Whatever, Lily," Marlene said turning away from her and back at Mary.

After a moment of silence, Lily found the little corner of courage left in her. "Don't play this big game as if the three of us are best friends. We all know I'm not in your little clique and never have been."

The silence that followed wasn't tense, or awkward or even frustrating. The air was timid and confusing with the air that these girls only had two more weeks of each other before the finality of Hogwarts concluded and it was sad after seven years Lily couldn't call Mary or Marlene her friend.

The following days Lily spent the majority of her time in the library studying. Studying to escape or remove herself from the maudlin feeling that everything in Hogwarts seemed to be emitting. She had been so excited when she had received her letter to Hogwarts and now… well now sometimes she wondered if Petunia was right. That she was a freak. In the Muggle world and the Wizarding one.

*

Finals were a welcome distraction, and Lily found herself spending increasingly less and less time with, well, human creatures. Lily had locked herself in an empty classroom on the fifth floor and transfigured a chair to make a less then comfortable mattress, but it did the job. And though normally, Lily thoroughly enjoyed looking up new spells, reciting the history of magic or rereading old Wizarding culture, the use of finals were spent trying not to think about everything had gone wrong in the last few days. Which, she was aware wasn't healthy but it allowed her to focus on something outside of her sorrow even though she was going a bit mad. With limited social interaction, and living on coffee and stale breads leftover from what the house elves brought her, she realized if she reread the word 'wand' one more time her eyes would burn through the page and her brain would literally melt.

With that realization, Lily acknowledged that she desperately needed a decent night's sleep as avoiding clean sheets, hygiene and food were doing her little favors expect. It seemed that Lily had truly entered the isolation she had constantly felt in her time at Hogwarts, but every time the thought trickled into her mind she quickly picked up a quill and began taking notes. She didn't want to be distracted during finals and if she remained in her empty classroom that meant no roommates, no running into people who were "off limits", and particularly, no James.

The first exam was Transfiguration, the perfect subject to keep her busy for hours on end. And though Transfiguration remained her toughest subject the distraction ensured that she almost enjoyed researching the field. Thus, on the day of the exam she quickly seated herself far away from any familiar faces and began scribbling her answers, and when she handed in her paper to Professor McGonagall, who frowned at her appearance, Lily had never felt so confidant in handing over a Transfiguration exam. And when the application portion of the exam concluded and she saw the groupings of friends together, Lily reminded herself that she shouldn't have expected anything else. James friend's weren't actually her friends. Even though Sirius said otherwise, he was still James' best friend, not Lily's. Marlene and Mary never had considered her within the bounds of their own friendship, so she forcefully swallowed her sadness.

"Miss Evans," she heard behind her and turned around to face Professor McGonagall.

"Yes, Professor?"

"You seem ill," Professor McGonagall began and Lily tried not being mortified at her teachers observation.

"I'm fine, truly, Professor. I uh I just…" but Lily didn't really know what to say because she couldn't confide in her teacher, could she?

"Miss McKinnon has informed you haven't been sleeping in your dormitory, is this true?"

At this, Lily had no words. Why would Marlene tell McGonagall this? "We had a row… It's nothing, Professor."

"Well, I don't know where you have been sleeping, Miss Evans, but students at Hogwarts sleep in their dormitories. I will have to insist that you return there tonight."

"I uh, yes, Professor."

Lily turned away then but heard behind her, "Miss Evans, Mr. Potter helps me tutor the First and Second Years," Lily didn't say anything at her words but remained with her back turned. "And for the spirited boy that he is, he has become extremely subdued to the point that he took me as a confidant. You must be patient with James, Lily dear. He is after all still a boy on the cusp of adulthood."

Lily returned to her dormitory at Professor McGonagall's instructions but would wake at the crack of dawn and would return well past midnight that entailed she would avoid her two roommates and sleep.

As her NEWT's continued, Lily had History of Magic, Charms then Care of Magical Creatures. She was faced with most of her class during the Potions exam but her confidence and capabilities in the course gave her little trepidation when facing them. She was after all almost top of her class at Potions that was proven when she completed the Draught of the Living Dead potions successfully. Lily watched as her fellow classmates persisted as she handed in her potion to a delighted Slughorn. Expect Snape, who she felt frowning at her behind her back.

When the class was given permission to leave, Lily packed her bag slowly waiting for the crowd to disperse before exiting the classroom. She found herself face to face with Marlene.

"Lily," she said as she blocked her pathway.

"Marlene," Lily said unsurely.

"I've been trying to catch you all week," she said conversationally, kindly.

"Well you've caught me now."

Marlene took a deep breath before saying, "I've been wanting to apologize for last week. I was out of line. Mary too."

Lily tried to quell the surprise before shaking her head. "No need."

"There is," Marlene said gently before touching Lily's hand. "Me and Mary were being overdramatic and I… well I shouldn't have been mad at you for talking to Sirius. And anyways, I should focus my anger on who I'm actually angry at, which is him, not you."

Lily nodded her head numbly not really sure what to say. "Marlene… I uh… Sorry my brain has been kind of fuzzy recently."

Marlene chuckled at her, shrugging her shoulders. "I just… well you weren't coming back to the dormitory and I didn't want to leave Hogwarts with how we left it. I've always considered you my friend, Lily. It makes me feel horrible that you felt excluded."

Lily was sure the shock appeared on her face, as she remained speechless. Marlene seemed amused though unsure and Lily figured she might as well say something though she was left baffled. "I'm sorry too it's just that I'm trying to wrap my head around… it's just I figured everyone hardly tolerated me to begin with, I figured now that me and Ja- well that we weren't friends anymore no one needed to tolerate me at all."

"Lily, don't be silly!" Marlene remarked and hugged her suddenly, and Lily realized in that moment that no one had touched, talked, or hugged (expect Sirius) since her and James' spat in the common room and she tried desperately not to tear up again at the comfort of someone's arms around her. Fighting with friends and finals together was hard after all.

So Lily and Marlene stood there in the middle of castle with their arms wrapped around each other, laughing and crying until they made their way back to the Seventh Year girls Gryffindor dormitory. Mary was sitting on her bed and rolled her eyes at the display.

"You girls make up, then?" she drawled and Marlene smacked her over the head. "Ouch, well, yes, Lily, sorry I was a bit dramatic before but well, we saw you with Black and I figured witch hunt it is."

Lily laughed at her apology as she snuggled into her lush mattress and almost groaned at the comfort. How silly to deny herself this over a school fight.

"And anyways," Marlene added diplomatically, "Sirius is your friend and none of us should be forced to adhere by false bravado."

Lily scoffed. "Barely."

"What?"

"Me and Sirius are barely friends."

Mary groaned loudly and Marlene jumped onto her bed and straddled her as she shook her shoulders. "Lily! You must stop with this self-deprecation."

"But it's true!" Lily insisted as Marlene rolled off and lay next to her. "We aren't… I mean he only spoke to me because of well you know." The quiet in the room caused her too look up and she saw Marlene and Mary looking at her with equal expressions of exasperation. "It's the truth!"

"Lily," Marlene said softly. "We all saw what happened, no one thinks James is totally in the wrong especially those who actually matter. He never asked you out, he never declared his feelings and therefore, he never gave you guys a chance to exist."

"But…"

"No, Lily!" Mary added. "No buts. You might have been hasty in letting that Snitch go, sure, but James is prune to overreaction and he definitely overreacted."

"And Lily," Marlene added, "You should know that James has been quite… well-"

"Stupid," Mary suggested and Marlene laughed.

"He eyes are roaming the castle all the time as if he is searching for a glimpse of you. He leaves randomly and walks the castle opening random doors. He doesn't tell us why but we all know and he knows that we know."

"Bit stalkerish if you ask me," Mary instigated, and Lily couldn't help but crack a smile even as her heart thumped at Marlene's words.

"If he wanted to find me it wasn't like he wouldn't be able too. I'm sure, well I don't know but I'm sure he has ways," Lily said.

"Lily, he studies in the dormitory and stays awake watching the portrait hole opening hoping the next person who crosses it will be you and it never is," Marlene said, as she stroked her friend's hair lightly. "Lily, he thinks about you all the time."

"But what about exams…" Lily said biting her lip as her insides crumbled and a thousand butterflies squirmed through her heart.

"Lily," Mary laughed. "You haven't noticed? We were all sure you had!"

"Noticed what?"

"He just stares at you," Marlene smiled. "He almost messed up his Transfiguration application because he was watching you perform your spells and almost tripped over himself trying to get you just to glance in his direction."

"Then why hasn't he said anything to me?" Lily demanded because this was insanity. James could easily have found her, she was sure of it. All the antics, the lost schoolboy was for nothing but dramatics because James always got what he wanted.

"I don't know but Lily, but I'm surprised he has made it this far honestly during exams because he just isn't studying."

"Not like he needs to study," Lily grumbled.

"Maybe," Marlene said. "But you should know he is constantly looking for you."

Lily shook her head in refusal because the entire thing seemed preposterous. "I have to study."

Mary laughed and Marlene looked on a bit sympathetically. "Yeah, but you can study here now, yeah? No matter hideouts."

"And you look terrible too," Mary supplemented.

And even as Lily opened her Alchemy book and tried focusing on the words, the only ones that pounded through her brain were those of Marlene's making her shiver with anticipation that she was sure was false. But she couldn't help but wonder… Was he looking for her because he wanted to apologize? Or because he missed her? Or maybe they had got it wrong and he wasn't scrounging the hallways looking for because Lily was positive he would have found her; no one knew the hallways of Hogwarts better than the Marauders after all. The yearning ache reminded her not to jump to conclusion, as her expectations always seemed to be her doomsday.

So with that she focused on her Alchemy book and paid attention to the swirling silver and blue pictures, and decided that obviously James wasn't looking very hard. And now that she was back in the dormitory it would be much easier for him to find her, if he was actually looking, she reminded herself firmly…

*

With Alchemy completed, Herbology next, Defense Against the Dark Arts was last. The exam had an hour theoretical in which Lily breezed by. It was the three-hour application test that left Lily heaving towards her final task and vehemently reminding her this was why she would become a Healer and not an Auror. Her hand was shaking as she approached her final task and the examiner smiled kindly at her in understanding.

"Almost there dear, and then you can join your friends," the wheezy wizard said as he pointed to the line of finished classmates along the hall who weren't allowed to leave until all the students completed the task. With all the eyeballs on her, and considering she was one of the last students, she felt as if it was a cheers and jeers section.

"Your final task is to perform the Patronus Charm. The best of your ability now, even if it's just a wisp."

It would be her fate to be forced to do the one spell that had constantly been the bane of her existence. Because Lily was good at magic. But she was not good at the stupid, 'have a happy thought', Patronus Charm! It made her surly to sit in class and watch people around her accomplish the spell as she barely forced silver streaks out. How James had sent a solid Patronus after a few attempts. Lily acknowledged privately that not many happy moments had happened to her, nothing to the extent to effectively produce a Patronus anyways.

So Lily closed her eyes and took a deep breath and when she opened them her eyes locked with James, and she instantly remembered what Marlene had said: He thinks about you all the time. Giddy affection melted across her chest as his hazel eyes bore upon her and the memories from the past year seemed to elapse into hazy pictures through her mind. And she remembered his hands on her shoulders as he gently nudged her between classes and send her notes, or their snowball fight before Christmas that forced them to huddle by the fire for the rest of the night and the way his hands always felt so tender against her own.

It was as if Lily's hands acted on their own as she raised her wand and faced the instructor. Because looking at James entrapped her and without thinking too much she said: "Expecto Patronoum!"

And out her wand glittered a hardening silver light that formed into solid doe that instantly swept her in a shield of warmth. The doe came galloping towards her and she found herself caressing the mystical creature as the instructor gave an excited squeal.

"Well done Miss Evans! Well done. And fully formed! Not a wisp in sight."

Lily's eyes locked again with James, and she remembered his own galloping stag charging across the Charms classroom. And James was looking at her, his mouth agape as his eyes flickered between her and the doe and then back again. The glow of her Patronus encouraged the strength and security she had been lacking as the two of them made the connection. Even as the instructor moved on to the next student and Patrnous faded from view, she was left staring at James and collecting herself enough to remind herself that she was a capable witch that didn't need to be dependent on the attention of a singular male wizard. The glow between them was vanquished and the feeling of detachment increased tenfold.

The instructor dismissed the class, and Lily watched as James hastened to leave, not even waiting for his friends. She collected her belongings and was about to exit when she felt a shadow befall her. It was Severus. She exited anyways and he followed her out.

"Yes," she said icily.

"I saw your Patronus," he stated.

Standing in front of him, Lily looked at him more closely than she had in almost two years and even with meters between them she immediately noticed that his gaze was darker, more threatening than intimidating.

"You're point?"

"It's a doe."

Lily raised her eyebrows and waited for the continuation but he provided no further explanation. "Right, well if you have nothing to add I'm going to go."

She made to turn but he seized her wrist, and held it tightly around his closed hand. Her hair whipped him in the face as she glared at him and tried to pull her hand but he clenched her more aggressively.

"Let go," she said roughly, and tried to push him away but he didn't budge. "Let go or I'll scream." At the threat, Snape snarled at her and effectively removed his hand from her wrist that caused her to fall backwards and hit her head harshly against the wall. She stood up slowly and glared at him. "I don't understand why you corned me in the hallway but it's annoying. Don't do it again."

She turned to leave but his snarling voice rang behind her. "So you have a doe and Potter has a stag, how charming. How disgusting of you to completely go back on every word you had said about him."

Lily knew she shouldn't have turned around because this wasn't the Severus from her past but it seemed she couldn't help herself. It felt as if her and Severus had been on the verge of this argument for two years now.

"Not really your business though, is it?"

"If a rude, bullying, obnoxious know it all is your style then by all means. But don't fool yourself, Lily. His ego is what carries him around, not his legs though it seems you can't control what's between yours."

Lily looked on disgusted. "I don't even recognize you anymore. You're standing there in this fake glory but at least James respect me enough not to call me names, Severus."

"Respects you," Snape spat, moving forward but Lily took a step back that only seemed to drive him forward. "Potter doesn't respect you, Lily. But the way you practically whore yourself out too him gives him exactly what he wants. You're just one of his slags and the sad part is you were the stupid one to fall in love with him."

The echo of Lily slapping Snape rang down the hallway. She watched dazedly as Snape reacted and instinctively and pulled out his wand and pointed it at her. She flew backwards, her head bouncing against the cement wall in protest. She looked up to see him standing over her with a fake sense of authority that seemed to astonish even himself. She waited for her next curse as he once more pointed his wand at her but it never came.

Snape was lifted into the air and hung there with his robes billowing around him, and Lily opened her eyes to see James blazing furiously as he pointed his wand at Snape.

"You're filth, Snivellus," James' fumed, maintaining his wand pointed at his adversary, before releasing Snape into a semi unconsciousness collapse onto the ground. He rushed over to kneel besides Lily who he instantly took in his arms, and she wrapped her arms around him as he protected her.

"Are you alright?" he whispered anxiously as his arms moved up and down feeling for bruises. Lily flinched in his arms as he reached the back of her head, yet the way his hands bundled around her made her heartbeat simmer slower and the focus on his eyes on her thawed the fear drumming against her heart.

And she would have continued staring at his eyes, falling deeper into his embrace when a flicker in the side made her realize that Snape was no longer sprawled on the floor. He was standing vivaciously over her and James. At Lily's widened eyes, James twisted around and Snape cursed him: "Sectumsempra!"

James crumpled in her arms as blood splashed against her robes and hands, blubbering everywhere as Lily horrified yelled for James to maintain consciousness, not paying attention to the billowing robes of Snape walking away.

"James! James, you need to stay awake, you, you…" but his body was growing paler by the second and Lily sagged against his dead weight, pressing her hands uselessly against the massive gash across his chest as the red ink of his blood dripped onto the floor leaving a trail of evidence. Lily tried to move from under James' heavy body, gripping her wand and desperately hoping magic would spring from it.

You're going to be a Healer! You're going to be a Healer! She repeated through her brain at a constant. Those words took hold of her own body as she calmly moved from under James and examined his wounds. Taking him the hospital wing was out of the question as he would never make it that far with a sudden remedy and would potentially cause further damage.

James moaned in his comatose state as she moved her wand against his chest, whispering incantations she felt she had read a lifetime ago, spells she had sat in the library at twilight and read with Snape. And gradually, James wounds eased and stitched themselves together as the stream of blood discontinued.

Amazed, she momentarily stood in disbelief before James bleakly opened his eyes, and even in his shattered state touched her bent knee, "Lily."

"Shh," she said, caressing his hair. "I need to get you to the hospital wing. I need you to lean on me, 'kay? Think you can get up?"

Mutely, he nodded his head as she helped him stable himself with one arm wrapped around her shoulder, the other around his waist. With steady steps they moved down the corridor towards the hospital wing as she allowed James weight pressure against her shoulders and suppressed her tears of relief. For a few second there, it had felt so close, so close to ending because of what? Because of her friendship with Snape? The further she felt from that friendship, the more foolish she felt too enter it to begin with.

James and Lily made it to the hospital wing, and Madame Promfrey rushed forward uttering her rubbish of appall. She used her own magic to carry James to a bed and turned to face Lily in which she demanded to know what happened. But had happened? James tried to save her and he lost half the blood in his body because of it?

At her stalled response, Madame Pomfrey walked back to where James lay and pulled the curtains around him close and left her alone in the deserted corridor.

*

The rumors of the fight between James and Snape spread like wildfire around Hogwarts. The factoids about that fight after their Defense Against Dark Arts final were less than accurate, and it appeared no one even knew that Lily had been the catalyst.

Lily had not tried to visit James, unsure what her reception would be, and instead allowed herself to fall into the self pity pool as James remained in the hospital for his second night. Lily couldn't even lie to herself as she took a stroll around Hogwarts that she was deliberately leading herself towards the hospital wing to get a glance of him. But as she stood behind a statue and observed his three friends leaving for the night, Lily quietly moved towards the window of the door and smiled. Madame Pomfrey was serving James strict orders, and he had the most adorable pout.

She figured she had tested her luck enough at her stalking skills and was about to turn away until his head tilted to the side and made eye contact with her. She bit her lip and shuddered at the intensity of the gaze. She opened the door and walked towards his bed quietly so Madame Pomfrey wouldn't hear her.

"Hey," she murmured, coming forward. She found herself tucking herself into the seat by his bed. She played with the edge of the blanket that had fallen from his bed and once more made eye contact. The burning sensation sent shivers to her lungs. She tried not to pay attention to his bare chest that defined his athletic muscles. The burning sensation seemed to lower down her stomach.

"Hey yourself," James murmured. He tugged the blanket out of her hand and replaced it with his own as he twined their hands together.

"How are you feeling?"

At her question, he squeezed her hand and brought their intertwined hands to his cheek that forced her to lean more closely over him. "Better, thanks to my savior."

Lily blushed at his words and nuzzled his cheek. "Don't exaggerate."

"I'm not," he said plainly, and Lily squirmed at the sincerity in his voice. "Why didn't you come sooner?"

Lily looked at his cheek instead of his eyes before raising them again and shrugged her shoulders. "Wasn't sure you wanted me too…"

"C'mere," he murmured and brought his free hand around her waist and lifted her effortlessly into his lap. He released his hand on his cheek and laid it down with his hands wrapping around her back. She looked into his eyes and he kissed her nose as she twined one hand around his neck the other clutching his bicep.

She snuggled into his neck, ignoring the sensation that something in the air had determinately changed between them. The ideology of their feelings were floating somewhere in the mist and were closer to the edge then ever before, and Lily was sure ignorance would no longer work for either of them. But momentarily she allowed herself to have this heartbeat.

He shifted their bodies that allowed them to face each other, their bodies still wrapped securely around each other with every inch of their bodies still touching. She could feel the heat between her legs, and held in her moan as he pulled her closer as his hand was splayed near her bottom. James ran a hand across her cheek before Lily copied him and traced the scar that now bore across his chest.

"Just another false alarm with Lily and the Dark Arts," she joked but her voice cracked.

To Lily's astonishment, James eyes filled with tears but he quickly pulled her into his chest and hugged her strongly. She curled her arm around his shoulders and pulled his head to her neck, feeling his hot tears splash against her skin as she cradled him. He continued to sob quietly until finally he sniffled wetly and she heard him chuckle soberly into her neck. She kissed his head and pulled back to see his bloodshot eyes and stroked his messy, messy hair.

"Goddammit," he groaned.

"James," she said softly, and touched his forehead gently. "Tell me."

"I just, Lily, I saw you laying there and all I could think was this was just the start. In a few months I'm going to be going off and one day, someone, something… I don't know- I just know I won't be there."

"Don't," she said, laying a reassuring hand against his hand. "You can't make predications like that."

Taking a deep breath, he rolled away from her and looked up at the ceiling. Lily remaining leaning at his side and continued stroking his hair. "All I want is for everything to be okay and I know it won't be."

"James," she said, pulling his chin and forcing him to stare into her bright green eyes. "You saved me this time. You can't think about the next time. You can't expect yourself to always be saving everyone around you. That's not your responsibility."

The words made sense, she could see it but the logic behind them didn't provide full impact because the notion of protecting those he cared about wasn't logical. The responsibility, the maturity of needing to protect those he loved would never be reassured with words.

"James," she whispered breathlessly, making an instant decision in the mist of their uncertainty. Their eyes locked as she leaned into his chest and kissed him. She pulled back and felt his breath hitch against hers as their eyes met. He brought his hands up to her face and brought her lips back to his. His lips were soft and warm against her own, and Lily sighed into his mouth as he deepened the kiss. His hands traced down her body, over her back to her hips down to her bottom and then back up again. Lily climbed more firmly atop him and felt him groan as she pressed against him. She felt every contour of his hard body against her own, and her breasts swelled as his hands moved closer to their sides.

His mouth sucked gently against her bottom lip, and she felt his tongue slip inside as he gently teased her before pressing more firmly against her mouth. She felt his body tense as her palms glided against him and up around his neck, pushing herself closer to him as his kiss became more demanding. Lily moved her hips against him, pressing her thighs between his legs as his hands moved over her shoulders and pushed her harder into him as she felt his hard length between them. And James explored her like a man starved, she moaned hungrily against him as if this was their chance, there very last chance for utopia together.

So they kept kissing, kissing for forever and a day until James slowly pulled away, breathing deeply as he stared intently into her eyes.

"Lily," he said sensually as he wrapped his arms securely around her. He moved them together to their sides once more, and kissed her lightly and she smiled as she lightly kissed him herself. He grumbled bringing her body into a hug and sucked at her neck. "I'm supposed to be mad at you," but his words remained useless as his hands couldn't seem to stop working themselves over her body, and his lips kissed every inch it could reach.

"I'm sorry, James," she said softly, moving her hands down his back and then up again. She pressed her chest more firmly into his. "Please don't-"

But he interrupted her less than heartfelt apology as he started kissing her again and the spark between them simmered deep in her body because Lily could feel the tangible chemistry between them. The way his lips floated over hers and moved to her cheek, neck, leaving soft trails of heat as they moved back to her lips.

"Lily," burning a path down her throat, he repeated her name with every kiss, sending nerves down her spine she didn't know she had. His fingers slid over her hips, his hand grasping her thigh tightly as she felt the intimate pleasure that made her shiver into his embrace.

"I need you," she whispered, slipping her hands around his neck as he lifted his head and looked down at her with his hazy eyes that left her vibrating. "Always have."

He groaned roughly into her neck and pulled away. He once more faced the ceiling with his hands bunched tightly to his sides. Lily was left staring at him in surprise that quickly turned into mortification as rejection swept through her.

"I'm sorry if I said too much…" the awkwardness left her unsure where to turn. At his continued silence she began to sit up. "Is it because of Snape? Because I didn't, I mean I wasn't spending time with him… He was just following me again."

"Again?" James demanded as his head snapped in her direction.

She nodded slowly. "But, there was never anything between us if that's what you are worried about. So not tainted with that dark arts stuff," she rambled dully.

"Tainted, where did that even come from?" James asked with a mixture of annoyance and exasperation.

She bit her lip and looked at anything but him and reminded herself that she was Lily; she was strong and she wasn't going to be crying about boys anymore. Well not in front of them anyways. "It's the reason everyone at Hogwarts has ignored me for seven years," she mumbled rolling away from him and swinging her legs off the bed with her back turned away from him.

She felt him get up, his body pressed against her back and move his hands smoothly up and down her shoulders. "You're not making a lot of sense, Evans."

She shrugged out of his embrace but he continued to sit up against her and his presence was soothing that stimulated her of admitting the thoughts she had never dared say out loud. "I came into Hogwarts with a Slytherin best friend and everyone thought I was this weird Muggle kid who seemed naïve and stupid for being friends with someone who was so obviously involved in Dark Arts and seemed destined to join the Death Eaters the second we graduated. So for seven years people haven't acknowledged me because I confuse them. And now I look stupid because everyone was right and I was wrong but I'm still disregarded because well, I was the one stupid enough to believe that a Slytherin could turn out alright."

James turned her around, his eyes soft as he gripped her firmly in his arms and held her quietly as she found herself inadvertently relaxing in his arms. He reached for her chin and forced her to look into his soft gaze.

"Lily," he said earnestly. "I don't care who you were friends with. Its just none of this was how I imagined it in my head."

"Imagined what?"

"Us, this. We're in the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey is around the corner getting ready to curse us I'm sure and I just want you so bad. That rubbish with Snape? I don't care about any of that and I liked you even when you were friends with him. You know I always have? Why do you think I've been so angry with you? Lily, you've had me wrapped around all your fingers the second I saw how powerful, beautiful and smart you were at the same time."

Lily looked up at his warm expression and kissed his bare chest. He cupped her cheeks and brought her lips towards his again as he ravished her mouth, the waves of happy pleasure reinvigorated as they spread through her veins as if her body was pulsing against his. She moaned loudly as his hands moved down to un-tuck her shirt when she heard the loud shriek of Madame Pomfrey.

"Are you MAD? OUT! OUT! In the hospital wing like scavengers. Have you lost your decency, Miss Evans? OUT!"

Lily jumped up and raced to the door as she heard James laughing loudly behind her as Madame Pomfrey continued shouting obscenities. Lily paused at the doorway and turned to face James they shared a quiet smile before she sprinted down the hallway, Madame Pomfrey's voice echoing in her wake.

*

James was released the next morning that left exactly two days before the Seventh Years would be whisked away from Hogwarts. And though she wasn't sure what exactly she had been expecting after their stolen moment in the hospital wing, what did happen was her worst-case scenario. She had fallen asleep dizzy with anticipation thinking about how his lips had traced over her face and how his hands had moved over her body.

So when James was released and he entered the common room with his arms raised like a champion, Lily waited patiently for his acknowledgement. But it never came. Oh, he wasn't outwardly ignoring her but was actively ensuring that she was surrounding by their group of friends. The constant surrounding of their friends guaranteed they wouldn't have a moment alone.

Disappointment swelled in her gut as she realized that James was actively avoiding her and his friends were helping him because as soon as she approached him Peter would pop up. Lily tried desperately to regain some posture hoping no one noticed how the prospect of her and James together had erupted all her senses and left her stripped. Their kiss had insured that she could no longer deny the volume of her feelings for him. The companionship James offered was so encompassing she was stricken that she had denied herself this sort of happiness for so long.

It seemed she had waited it out too long though. She should have kissed him years ago, and now they were about to leave. For all Lily knew, James was more than happy to get onto the Hogwarts Express without addressing their relationship at all. And maybe James hadn't felt that palpable chemistry. Maybe after all these years she really had left it too long.

Lily desperately tried not to let it get to her but as she lied uselessly in her bed the last night before they would board the train home, she stared despondently and explained to herself rationally that James just didn't want her. Her rationality was extremely harsh causing tears to fall rapidly down her face that only encouraged sobbing. The noisy tears encapsulated her last month of heartache and reminded her this was exactly what she had been trying to avoid to begin with.

As the sobs increased, the curtains to her four-poster bed were pulled violently open. Marlene and Mary stood over her then concerned. Marlene got right into her bed seeing her distress and hugged her tightly as Mary sat at her side and stroked hair.

"What's wrong?" Marlene asked as Lily continued crying ardently in her arms as Marlene and Mary looked at each other worried. It seemed this past month Lily had cried more than ever before.

Lily cried instead of answering because either way she wouldn't have been able to catch her breath, and instead responded to comfort the two girls provided her. As she begin relaxing in thier arms she finally croaked, "James." Though Mary didn't stop stroking her hair the tension was immediate. "We, we finally kissed and now he wants nothing to do with me."

A smile broke over Marlene's face as Mary jumped up and pointed at her. "You and James kissed?"

"Yes, but he wants nothing to do with me," she whaled.

"This is so stupid," Mary said to no one in particular. "I'm tired of waiting."

"Wh-What?" Lily hiccuped.

"Mary," Marlene intoned and pointed her gaze to Lily.

"Ugh, you girls. No. No more waiting! And I'm talking selfishly here. I want know the end of the story before its too late and all we have is a few hours tomorrow. No, no. We are going to solve this once and for all."

"Mary!" Lily chocked, jumping up after her before Mary reached the door. "Y-you can't just-"

"I can and will," she determined and Lily almost wanted to smile at her audacity that only spurred her own courage.

"I need to face this alone without everyone watching… this time."

"Maybe he needs everyone to make a decision!"

"Maybe, but I would prefer to do it alone," Lily persisted. "Maybe the problem has been that it's been so public, maybe we need to do it privately. I don't know but you're right."

"I am?" she asked shocked.

"Yeah," Lily said warmly. "I'm going to talk to him tomorrow no matter what. I promise to tell you all about it."

Mary hesitated but let the subject drop and pushed Lily's hair back from her forehead sincerely. "You deserve more than you're allowing yourself."

Lily smiled and hugged her. "Thank you, Mary."

As Lily went back to bed she agreed with Mary on one thing, this definitely deserved a conclusion. It was also her last chance. It was that determination that had Lily marching down the stairs to breakfast and looking around for James. Surprisingly, he wasn't congregated around friends.

"Where's James?" she demanded as they looked at her stupidly with food in their mouths.

"Uh," Peter mumbled and Lily raised her eyebrows at him.

"If you don't tell me I will curse you."

"Lily…" Remus began but Lily switched her gaze to him asking her to test her.

"Where?"

A moment of silence before Sirius revealed, "By the lake."

With that Lily turned around and made her way. Nothing was going to stop her now. And she found him easily enough sitting alone with his back to her, his feet in the water. She wanted to smack him against his head but restrained herself. She plopped down next to him and he didn't even flinch as she stared at him.

"James," she said when he didn't turn to face her. "James," she repeated and when he didn't answer her she glared fiercely at him. "I deserve more than this… please. Please don't do it this way."

He finally turned to face her, and his face was unreadable. "What do you want to know?"

Lily's fight evaporated at his apparent disinterest and suddenly Lily knew what was going to happen. "Right, so this is pointless."

He was caught off guard at her words, and she saw his jaw twitch as she stood and looked down at him. It was an act, she knew it was act but if was going to pretend that she didn't matter or pretend they didn't deserve a decent conversation then she would rather live in the unknown.

"So this is goodbye. So," and Lily looked at him and shrugged. "Goodbye."

"Lily," he said firmly, and got up. They stood facing each other and Lily desperately wanted him to make the grand gesture. Anything. "You were right before."

She remained silent as the settling reality that no grand gesture was coming just more tears.

"We are going in different directions and its unfair of both of us to be dedicated to each other when we will barely see each other."

She remained silent, refusing to acknowledge his baseless words, and her silence seemed to be the weakening tool to break him because when she didn't respond his gaze shifted from blank to distraught.

"Are you going to say anything?" he furiously demanded into her silence.

"What's there to say? It seems you've made all the decisions for us," she stated with a cool demeanor she didn't feel.

"Goddammit, Lily! Don't you see why can't be together? I am about to entire into a losing war. I'll be fighting VOLDERMORT! For god sake, say something!"

She stood there, arms crossed. "Good for you."

His eyes grew impossibly wide as he strode towards her and vehemently took hold of her shoulders. "Lily."

And then he kissed her, pushing fervently against her body. Lily gave in immediately as her arms wrapped automatically around his neck. His arms held her tightly to his chest as his mouth opened and his warm breath seeped into her own. The attraction, Lily told herself, was irresistible as each kiss deepened and she was wrapped more solidly against him, her entire body reacting against his in hinted potential pleasures. She arched as his hands splayed over her uniform, gripping her lightly as his hand moved to her bottom that made her tighten her hold on him. He let go lightly and looked deeply into her eyes but Lily brought his lips back to her own as his hands cupped her face and kissed with a desire Lily was sure would never be replicated.

She leaned against him as the pleasure of his touch seeped into her stomach, down between her thighs and James twisted his head away from her as he held her in his embrace. "No, Lily, no."

Lily refused and kissed his neck and she heard him moan in protest as he scrunched his hands in her hair. "Lily."

She released him and looked into his eyes that were dark with desire, but she could see the tug of war in his eyes, the desperation for her to discontinue. "James, don't do this."

"I, I. Lily this is the hardest, believe me the hardest thing I have ever done."

She pushed him away and the force of the unexpected inertia caused him to trip over his feet and fall on the ground. "If you do this I am not waiting for you."

He got to his feet, not breaking eye contact and with a resolve she wished he didn't have. "I don't want you too."

Her breath hitched and she glared at him as tears pooled around her eyes and with a wretched heart she saw tears in his eyes. "But I love you," she whimpered pathetically as she finally succumbed to sobs.

He started but she flinched away from him. "Lily." He grabbed her and brought her back to his embrace. "You know, you know how much I've been in love with you. I don't remember not being in love with you. I'm doing this for you."

She only further cried at his words because how had it come to this? How could they be so close but separated so far from each other? She let him hold her because there was no changing his mind and she would allow herself his arms now, this moment, because she knew it would probably be the last. So she let him stoke her hair in front of the lake and then hold her on the Hogwarts Express and when they exited the train and stood in the platform embracing for what felt like the last time ever she looked into his eyes with desperate tears as she clung to him as if the image of him would disappear, as if it had all been a dream.

"Please," she said and clutched him.

He hugged her tightly, and she felt his own tears on her skin and with the dust of the platform and the steam from the Hogwarts Express, James lowered his head once more, one more kiss to memorize the feeling, the one she was sure would haunt her. And she kissed him back with everything she knew to make sure he would never forget, because she would never forget. And when he released her, he looked at her once more before he was gone from between her fingers.

TBC

AN: I am sorry for the long wait! The summer proved crazier then expected. I promise the next one won't be that long... I have it all planned so hopefully smooth like butter.