eversoslinky

[eversoslinky]

I'd go out... only I don't want to...

I never really know what to say when people invite me out and I'm sat right there on the sofa. I haven't washed my hair for three days now and I'm in my PJs watching endless reruns of Friends episodes. Truth be told I don't go out anymore, not unless it's a planned trip anyway. Anyone who suffers with social anxiety has to phyc themselves up to leave the house, I just wish I could be brave and say the truth... I can only go out if I'm physically and mentally prepared for it.

[eversoslinky]

I wish I could get over my painful shyness and get up on that stage and perform. It's hard to feel sexy, sexual or even sensual when your on anti depressants. They pretty much keep your mood on a long steady base line, no peaks, no troughs but surely I can't be the only person who is wanting to step out into the world of burlesque who feels this way?

[eversoslinky]

Got the mean reds ❤

[eversoslinky]

"Hey girl, you're looking gorgeous ,can I buy you a drink?" 🍸

[eversoslinky]

Yeah, he's sexy and he knows it. 😉

[eversoslinky]

Boobs... my love/ hate relationship with my body.

Here's an image of a beautiful Brunette, DD breasts bursting out her bra, teeny, tiny waist. She's every straight man's (and gay woman's) fantasy. She's flawlessly perfect and natural looking at the same time. This woman and many others like her the reason I struggle with my body everyday and why I hate my breasts.

Here's an image of a flat chested girl. (I had ALOT of trouble finding this image on the internet!... I typed in double A and triple A breasts and still got some gorgeous photos of glamour models... not quite what I'm looking for, I guess the word "breasts" goes hand in hand with "huge" on the search engine) Grown women can be small busted too and I'm never going to feed into the fantasies of disgusting perverts by posting images of pre teen girls in bikinis. At 30 I was just beginning to except who I am, I'm on antidepressants and have been for the past three years... as a result, my weight has fluctuated I've gained weight on my thighs, hips and midsection... my chest, however, that's stayed the same. I excepted it and in a weird way learnt to love my body... until I met someone who messed up my head and made me hate my figure.

I "used to" have a female friend with triple D boobs (a size I didn't know existed until I met her) She was very proud of her naturally big chest and rightly so but the problem with people who are blessed with what mother nature has given them is they seem to think they can shame people who have cosmetic surgery to enhance their looks. And that's not cool. Not cool at all. It's the same with men who gush over their favourite female celebrities and their "perfect" bodies. I've got something to tell you here that might upset you a little bit... those bodies are probably surgically enhanced! So don't you dare make a woman feel bad for wanting a boob job! It's frustrating and so god damn awful when your boyfriend or partner tells you he doesn't like big boobs and prefers your natural double A chest but then is watching videos of women with DDs. What you really mean to say is you like natural big boobs? Oh and a girl with a perfectly toned figure who never goes to the gym... I hate to break it to you but those "perfect" girls you love looking at.... their surgically enhanced and they probably work really hard at the gym and watch what their eating to stay looking that way... so sorry to burst your bubble right there...

Being a small busted girl has its plus points though, a few things I'll miss but hopefully they wont be an issue for me when I have my own (ten years in the making breast implant surgery in the new year) The biggest plus is probably that I really enjoy exercise and in particular getting on that bike in spin class and cycling my little heart out. I can lean forward to do push ups on the bike without any "pop outs" accuring (!) The thing I will probably miss most of all is the fact my boobs are my "ugly card." everyone has something which is deemed as "not very attractive" but is in reverse the greatest blessing to them cause it gets rid of shallow fuckers. I get alot of unwanted attention from men, I say this because I look alot younger than what I am and I'm slim, big blue eyes, full lips and high cheekbones. With makeup on I can look quite attractive but this often means that I can attract idiots, fuck boys, creeps and men who haven't read a book since high school and can't have a conversation with me. An guy on a dating site once said to me "I want a girl with blonde hair who wants children." I was moved to finally have met someone who wants a family like I do. I love kids so much. He ruined this by saying "she's got to have really big boobs too!" He kept going on about how I was his ideal woman and I shut him down by telling him I'm flat chested but I wish him all the very best looking for his "perfect" girl. Instead of the correct answer which would be "the size of your boobs doesn't matter to me, you're a nice person and I want to get to know you better." He responded with "A boob job will sort that out... then I'll marry you." Disgusting vile human being. I'll bet you any money, after I blocked him he was probably scratching his head as to why he offended me so much.

When I do get my implants done I'm getting them done for ME. NOT A MAN. ME. Without sounding big headed here: I've not had any trouble attracting a man. No one has ever been put off by my small chest. The type of man I want to attract won't care about the fact I'm tiny on top and got a big curvy backside to rival that of Jennifer Lopez or Beyonce. He'll love it. As for the girl who used to be my friend I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, the one with perfect natural triple D breasts who shames women for wanting to enhance their bodies. She's single, she acts clingy and needy with men and "needs ALOT of attention" I'm so sorry but no matter how hot your body is but no man will put up with that. I think like a guy and I know I'd rather have someone who was independent, ambitious and had their own life going on. Someone who is funny, quick witted and might not return my calls cause their busy doing something fun that doesn't involve me. That's ok.

Last but certainly not least is the fact that people have told me throughout my life that in order to get bigger breasts I must "eat more calories" DO NOT listen to anyone who tells you this shit! It's irresponsible. Firstly not every woman is built the same, weight goes on different places on different bodies. I tried last year eating ice buns from a local bakery, pancakes coated in maple syrup and tea cakes... this was just my breakfast! Every meal had a pudding and everything was covered in salt, sugar and sweeteners. I did this for three months last summer until I realised I had no energy, my depression got a thousand times worse and I gained inches in all the places I didn't want them to go. The people who told me over the years to "put on weight" where nothing but jealous women who didn't like the fact I was trying to improve myself. If you are wanting to gain weight please see your doctor, nutritionist or personal trainer. They will advise you on a sensible safe approach to your healthy weight gain. DON'T eat ice buns for breakfast (like I did!) It won't make your breasts bigger, it will only make you gain weight round the middle.

[eversoslinky]

...Because of me you will understand why storms are named after people...

Storm Hannah is approaching the British Isles this evening. I love the fact that storms are named after people, I'm guessing this is to "humanize" something that is beyond our reasoning and control and of course also to blame the "person" who left a trail of death, destruction and carnage in their wake. Ok, storms are no laughing matter, people get killed because of them, their homes get ruined, businesses get destroyed too. It's tragic. I am merely smiling to myself cause I'm thinking of someone I used to know and this storm is making him think about me. I hope so. You think about storms more when your a motorist and drive long distances to work, (planning alternative routes) I hope it's a stuttle reminder that you can't treat everyday the same, I want to throw you a curve ball and remind you to be careful what you ask for. If you make me feel like I'm just another woman on your list , I'll make you feel like your just another man on mine. No one is sacrid.

There's peaks and troughs with storms, that's exactly what makes them so dangerous. You might think that everything is ok and then it turns, but this is both a blessing and a curse. Ever heard the saying "This too shall pass" (it was a tattoo idea before I saw almost everyone else had it) it's true, every bad time has to end eventually and every good time and to come to a close too. #stormhannah

[eversoslinky]

"You're always on your phone!" - Am I really?!

I cried alot last night. I cried so most that my tears left my eyes and landed on my chest, they barely ran down my cheeks as if they are in a rush to exit my face. These are not tears of sadness, these are tears of frustration. Those of you that know me (online or in the real world) might have fleeting moments of communication with me. I might appear to be rude sometimes, one word answers or sometimes very little effort given to keep up a conversation. I get yelled at for going on my phone. Yes, in a few weeks time I turn thirty and I get yelled at for going on my phone. I go on it all the time, apparently I'm never off it. Not true. Not true at all. I'm a writer and sometimes (out of nowhere) I get inspired to write a blog. This is not some shallow "I bought a new very expensive lipstick today, it looks like all my other very expensive lipsticks." fucking girl bore blog. This is me talking about how I'm using exercise to help my depression, I want to educate others, I want people to realise that they aren't alone. My Mum had a go at me last night over being on my phone, I was in my room, just before I went to bed I felt inspired it write a little. I was not at the dinner table (had I of got my phone out at dinner time she would of been completely and utterly justified in being annoyed with me, cause it's the height of rudeness! ) I wasn't, I was in my own personal space. I replied with "Other people are on their phones more frequently than me." Truth. I've often had meals out with people who have left alot to be desired with conversation cause they have to update their Facebook status or just look down at their phone. My Dad replied back with "Shut up Hannah!" Nice. Shut up. I demanded an apology, never got one. I don't think it's ok to speak to anyone like that. My Dad (like a lot of men I've come across throughout my life) thinks he's more important than me, if I'm having a conversation with a friend it's not an important one. Nothing I do is important or anything. So therefore he isn't to me.

My Mum, took my Dad's side as usual. My biggest phobia is turning into someone like that, a woman who must obey her husband at all costs even if he is being rude. So I revisited an old friend last night - the kitchen knife. It's been a while but it didn't take us long to become reaquainted. If the picture above provokes feelings of self harm in you and you think it should be removed from the internet then I ask can people please remove ALL lovey soppy pictures off the internet...what? You can't do that? Well, I have the right to post a picture of my cut(s) then. Marriage and baby photos provoke me to self harm, NOT seeing an image of someone with cuts on their arms. It's not something anyone should want to do to themselves. It's not a fashion trend. Please go and read the spoilt little rich girl blog about lipsticks. Self harm is not something you should aspire to, yet, it's been part of my life for about ten years or so.

I very rarely go on my phone anymore, so apologies to anyone who wishes to speak to me. It's not worth getting yelled by my parents, it's not worth triggering my anxiety or depression over. Someone on Instagram once said to me that they couldn't believe I wanted to be a writer as my spelling is so bad. True, it is. My grammar isn't all that great either, but when I write it's a race against time before I get shouted at and told to put my phone away so medical terms spelt wrong, missing commas etc... in the grand scheme of things aren't that important. I'm not stupid, I can string a sentence together and do it alot better than most people. Most people aren't being yelled at for doing what they love to do...

[eversoslinky]

Spin... when you're winning...

Despite having zero interest and an extreme hatred for all competitive sports. I love cycling! Hot spin (that is cycling in 35 degree heat to dance music complete in a dark room guided by the light of a disco ball) It's hot, its sweaty and I love it. My parents think it's highly amusing this hobby of mine, my Mum likes to remind me as a child I never learnt to ride a bike and wonders how I manage in spin class. Mum, it's a stationary bike! There's no phobia of falling off. Yesterday afternoon's spin class was a real treat, it was St George's day so with this in mind my instructor created a playlist all based around our great English music scene! This was definitely a highlight of my week.

[eversoslinky]

As frustrating as it is my MRI scan came back as "normal" my physical text also came back as "normal" and without a diagnosis my doctor wants to discharge me. Welcome to the world of Chronic Illness everyone! When doctors are left scratching their heads over your pain and the course of it they kind of want you to move on from it. I'm happy to tell the doctor that I've made progress since we last spoke (although I'm pretty sure it was a different doctor I saw last time!) I proudly told him about my exercise routine and how I am (reluctantly) limiting the amount of time I spend on my phone. (I really really hate my phone now, I just want to look someone in the eye and have a conversation with them please!) I hate being hunched over it, I became a slave to it. It's so difficult to explain to anyone (not just a medical professional) that I'm healing, I'm still not well, but I'm I smart person I know in order to get better I've got to push myself out of my comfort zone a little bit, maybe a bit more each week so for God's sake just let me! I often wonder how my chronic illness friends feel when they get shamed for not working? Or get made to feel bad or told "you don't look sick cause you are doing this that and the other..." I'm hoping that maybe in ten, fifteen years time all this ignorance will die out... The next generation of children will have respect for each other and not box people into categories. I hope...

[eversoslinky]

Yoga has changed my life. If I dare to look back at myself in January this year, I was completely different person mentally and physically. I was unable to get out of bed, I would get exhausted just walking up the stairs. Now, I go to Yoga classes two or three times weekly and whilst it has worked like a dream for me and I will never stop singing the praises of Yoga. I ask everyone out there to find something that are curious about and give it a try, it doesn't have to be yoga, after all there are many other activities can try and as they say "different strokes for different folks" I enjoy yoga so much because I like the non competitive nature of the exercise and it speaks to my spiritual side. However, if you are the competitive "go for gold" sort that wants to win, trying a new sport might breathe new life into you. I've included with this piece a favourite photo one of my Instagram friends posted. For beginners it's great to see how we can alter our poses once we have mastered the basics to create deeper stretches, for advanced yoga students it's a reminder that we are all beginners at some point and this should all be respected. I'm a child of the universe, I'm still learning, I'm growing. Don't rush me, don't push me down the same path your walking down, I have my own road to walk down, let me be me, let my scars heal... if you don't see me everyday you don't know the battles I'm fighting. Let me get strong on my own and most importantly... let me own it.

[eversoslinky]

Book of the month : F*ck anxiety! By Robert Duff M.A

In the midst of all the "self hell" books, stands this current no nonsense approach to mental illness. Written by a guy that talks to us as if we are chatting to a friend in a local coffee shop, the author in question being Robert Duff, South California based (as the American's say "Shrink".) I came across this book as I'd previously downloaded alot of self improvement books and was pleasantly surprised at this recommendation. My previous books are mainly based around the law of attraction so I'm still at a complete loss as to how this book came my way as it couldn't be any further away from "The Secret" or "The Power" or any of my other recent purchases.

Duff's no bullshit approach to explaining anxiety it refreshing. I'm the type of person who wants to know "why?" All the time and that's why this book really speaks to me. Yes, it's filled with practical tips on how to deal with anxiety but also why do we suffer with anxiety in the first place? I've been quick to argue with anyone who wants to talk to me about breathing techniques... according to Duff we all, and I quote "suck at breathing" it's true, we do. I found the breathing techniques in this book to be very helpful and I think I speak for most people when I say that some help help books can often appear condescending. I was more than happy to hear this one out, try out the breathing techniques and most importantly talk openly and honestly about my anxiety to my friends. (I've already recommended this book to two of my best friends, who both suffer with different types of anxiety) Duff also includes a letter which you can send to family and friends explaining how you suffer with this problem and how you require their support. I think the letter is my favourite part of the book, anxiety makes my life a living hell because I hate having to explain my racing heart, bursting out crying at random noises and feeling scared for no reason to people who dispite having my best interests ar heart have absolutely NO idea what it's like to have an anxiety attack. If I could just deal with the anxiety, it would be more than enough without having to explain screaming when I hear a certain noise to a "normie" (someone who doesn't have any mental illnesses) - the letter is an absolute treasure and explains anxiety so well.

Pictured above is Robert Duff a.k.a Duff the Psych. His style of writing is casual without any unnecessary scientific stuff (which if I'm going honest would go straight over my head) I'm going to take a moment to tell you a story about my own anxiety, which is trigged by loud noises, unknown places or anything usually sexual related. (Due to being sexually assaulted a few years ago) one of the worst things for me is anyone coming up behind me or being approached by strangers. Last year I got asked to do photoshoot in Liverpool by a cathedral, I had never been to before and got lost walking around trying to find the photographer. I rang him a few times and he tried to direct me but I still couldn't find him. I eventually stopped walking around and waited for him, someone came up behind me and grabbed me. As you can imagine I screamed so loud and shook! It was the photographer... he thought it would be "funny" to scare me. My heart felt like it was pounding out my chest, I felt physically sick.The photographer told me later on he suffered with heart palpitations and anxiety attacks and had been hospitalised in the past. I don't believe him. Someone who suffers with anxiety themselves would never, ever do that do someone. Ever.

[eversoslinky]

In October it's back to school for me...

Thank you to everyone who still continues to follow me and read what I'm writing. In my absence from social media you'll be pleased to know that I've been very busy. Busy sorting some important things out which I decided couldn't be put off anymore. The first of which being applying to university... I'm very proud and excited to announce that in October I will be starting my BA honours degree in Creative writing and English Literature and finally putting a very well heeled foot on this ladder I'm climbing to become a writer. I will be studying from home as a Open University student, why did I choose not to attend a bricks and mortar university? I hear you ask. I'll tell you: Social anxiety. Had I of attended university at 18/19 years of age I probably would of studied fashion design or something to do with clothes. I LOVE clothes and putting outfits together, however I'm no more talented as the next person and aside from altering trousers to fit my tiny waist and petite frame my knowledge of design is limited. Writing however is in my blood, my Granddad was a published author and journalist he wrote non fictional first hand accounts of the second world war. My work will be fictional feminist inspired literature (Think Margaret Atwood and Louise O'Neil) Using my own love life and bad work experiences (of which there are many) for inspiration.

I like to think of my writing as a way of turning the sadness in my life into money for me to live off. Despite everything I'm an optimist and I want something good to come out of every bad experience. Like a flower growing through the cracks, I want to look back and say "that sad time in my life paid for my mortgage cause I wrote a book about it." Maybe my bad relationships I've been in will pay for my wedding? (Ironic right?) I want something more than to say "well that was a memory or something to learn from" I see being a writer as getting compensation for everytime I've been badly treated. But I won't just be using my own experiences (with names, locations etc changed for legal reasons) my friends have given me permission to use their stories and for that I am extremely grateful.

[eversoslinky]

Most beautiful tattoo I think I've ever seen. 😍😍😍😍

The poppies are a tribute to those who have died in war and fought to defend their country. The camera is brings the past, present and future together in a nice, neat package, it's about capturing a tiny moment in time and treasuring it. Everything about this tattoo is perfect including the date on the camera (my year of birth) if I ever was to get a large back tattoo this would be it. #notmytattoo #beautifultattoo

[eversoslinky]

There is no better feeling then seeing a plate of delicious food coming towards you at a restaurant. That stomach flip feeling you get meeting that certain someone...that is probably the only feeling that beats it. xoxo 💋

[eversoslinky]

Off to the gym. Let's make these hot abs of mine even hotter! (Not being big headed or full of myself here) just got to believe I've already got those perfectly defined abs so that reality will eventually catch up with my thoughts. Got six weeks to go till my birthday so let's do this!!! #bigsexyhair #hottummymuscles #hotabs xoxo 💋

[eversoslinky]

What is Reiki?

Reiki is a Japanese healing practice, in which the universal energy (also known as "qi") is passed through from the hands of the reiki practitioner to the patient. This is also known as "palm healing." I'm very open minded when it comes to all types of healing, however, and I must state this point very clearly. I don't believe that Reiki could ever replace any form of Western medicine, I'm fascinated by the way in which it is performed and it has worked wonders for me however it would be irresponsible of me to tell you to have it done as the results differ from person to person.

I'm going to tell you about my Reiki experience today and also try my best to describe how I felt during and after the treatment. (Although for once I think my words won't do this experience justice.) My experience began with me greeting my practitioner and filling out a questionnaire based on my health conditions before we even began. I've had Reiki before when I was going through my breakup with my last partner, I was looking for an alternative answer and something from beyond my own limited thinking pattern. Today I'm looking at my healing through brand new eyes, I'm on a spiritual journey through life right now and I need to feel refreshed and new again.

The treatment takes place in a beautifully converted attic space above a holistic shop, I'm instructed to lay down on a massage chair, face up. I remove no clothing except my shoes and coat and the practitioner makes sure I'm comfortable adding pillows underneath my knees and covering me from the shoulders down in a giant fleece blanket. I'm given a small bag of large stones to rest on my stomach during the treatment. I wonder if these stones are used as a way of "centering" the treatment as I mentioned I suffer with severe pains in my hips, pelvic area and lower back. Who knows?

The treatment starts with my practitioner playing the harp, it's so soothing and moving I feel almost moved to tears. Feeling incredibly strong and vulnerable at the same time,my body sinks deep into the bed, and my limbs become heavy and melt away into the frame. I forced myself to silence all the noisey thoughts in my head and focus on the then and now. The practitioner moves her hands firstly over my face then my head, her hands moving like a "box" motion picking an invisible box up from inside my head. After, a few minutes she's moved on to another area and I can still feel the box motion on the temples on my face. That right here is what makes this extraordinary, I can't explain to you how it feels to have your body feel like it's moving when you know you're completely stationary. It's like being on a rollercoaster but perhaps the world's safest rollercoaster, It's that perfect combination between excitement and safety.

I experience twitches in my legs and feet during the treatment. I tell myself that this is something I do I'm a twitchy person and due to the medication I take unfortunately something that is now part of me. I know one of the main purposes of Reiki healing is to remove negative energy, I often wonder how much has collected on my body over the past two years or so since my last treatment? Is Reiki something to upkeep? to do? I see Yoga as part of my spiritual wellbeing and pathway to being happy and healthy again... maybe Reiki should be part of the package too.

When the treatment was over the practitioner gave me some feedback on my session, she said she got visions of peaches during my treatment and said it brought to mind for her that I was going to be harvesting this late summer fruit as I was starting a new educational journey in September/ October time, she said that someone had their arms around me too for the duration of the treatment. Everyone wants a hug and a bit of TLC so maybe she was just saying this cause it's what I wanted to hear. After the treatment had finished I felt drowsy and achy, I guess having your soul cleansed is similar to that of having a good declutter in your home. It would be nice just to feel light on my feet, happy and carefree, it would be even better how that my mind has a good spring clean I can get rid of everything that has been weighing me down and holding me back. I want to organise my thoughts and take control of this little movie, I call my life. I might not get to where I want to be this time tomorrow but I'll continue staying healthy, mind, body and soul... in the meantime, I'll just keep eating peaches and hope for the best. 🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑