evietells

[evietells]

I am finished with you...

[evietells]

I Just Cared. Part 2.

Shannon. You were so young when your mom died. When you told me that news I didn't know what to say. I just thought, it can't be possible. But it was. You asked me to come to her funeral/viewing. I accepted of course. And I went. I left school early and my Mother and I went to your Mom's viewing. It was nice to see you since I hadn't in a while, but it sucked that it was under these awful circumstances. You were very sad of course, but you smiled when you saw me there. You hugged me for a while and asked if I wanted to go see "Mommy". I said yes. So I followed you. You told me how you hated how they made her look. You thought she didn't look like your mom at all. She has pink on and pink lip gloss. Light makeup, but you said it wasn't her at all. I thought she looked fine, but I know you wished she didn't have that lip gloss on. I stayed the whole time at the viewing. And when it was over my Mother and I went back to your home to have the dinner that was prepared for everyone. I spent some time there with you. I ate a little bit. But of course I did have to go at some point. After that day, you and I became close again. After that stupid fight, it was like it didn't ever happen. I got to know your boyfriend a little better and we were civil with each other. I didn't tell you though, but I still didn't like him.. He gave me bad vibes. Unfortunately, after the viewing and all that, you were getting drunk and high all the time with your boyfriend so we didn't really hang too much because you knew that wasn't my style. I knew you were going through something unimaginable so I didn't make a big deal of it. I just hoped that you would live it out then let go of the vices soon.

Well, unfortunately, somehow you ended up all the way in South Carolina and I didn't know until you called to tell me. You said you were living with your dad now and that you were also pregnant with your boyfriends kid... I was surprised at all this news. Shannon asked me to be the god mother and I gladly accepted. When you lived in South Carolina you didn't get to talk to me much. Your dad tried to keep you away from everyone around here.. He didn't want you having any contact with your moms side or with the friends you made here. BUT you still called or texted me when he wasn't around. Just to talk to me and let me know what's going on with you. Months would go by but you would still contact me eventually. Then one day, you told me that your dad beat you real bad, while pregnant even... and I was so scared for you. I wished I could go get you and bring you back.. But you were a minor then so it wouldn't have worked out. After that call, I hadn't heard from you in a long while. I was worried I would never hear from you again.

Then one day you messaged me on social media. You told me the best news ever. That you were back in town and not with your dad anymore. That your uncle and aunt got custody of you. I was so happy. You still lived pretty far from me, about an hour away from me. But compared to NC, that was no big deal at all. I was so excited you were back and we made plans to hang out. Your uncle and aunt lived in the deeps woods. It was kind of cool. The quiet and the country. I loved it. Your cousin was the one that took me to the house you were at. She met my mom half way somewhere and then I got in her car. Let me tell you. That whole ride was bullshit. I just wanted to see you and instead your cousin had other plans. She went to get gas, which you know is all fine because people need that to drive. But then she stopped at a friends house and was smoking and chatting with them. I felt so out of place. I didn't know your cousin or this person she was talking to. The plan wasn't for me to accompany her to her friends houses. It was to get to you. But she dragged me along anyway.. Took her sweetass time... It was getting irritating. Then once we left their house, she took me to another house and picked someone up. They both were smoking in the car. It was night time at this time and I was feeling sick because of all the fumes from the cigarettes. I couldn't wait to get to you, I almost contemplated your cousin just taking me back home because I couldn't stand it anymore. But I persevered lol.

Finally, I got to your place at 9:30- 10:00 at night. Thankfully I was staying the weekend so I was able to spend time with you because by the time I got there it was late already and I still had homework to do and such from school. I believe this was 10th grade now. Well, When I walked in the door, I saw you. I was so happy to see you and you smiled at me. You were happy to see me too. And your belly was so huge from the baby. :) You were having a boy. When I got in the house we immediately talked and hung out like we never missed a day with each other. It was nice to have our friendship back. That whole weekend was fun with you, but it was also uncomfortable too. Your cousin George was a druggy so there was that.. your uncle was intimidating.. your aunt was super nice but she wasn't the brightest. I remember we hung out in your cousin's room for a while since he was gone out with his girlfriend. We went on the computer. Watched a movie. Talked a lot. I tried helping you get the fleas out of your dogs fur, but it was pretty impossible. She was infested. Poor thing. I even touched your preggy belly. It was cool. After that weekend though. I didn't see you again until the baby was born.

I stayed over again when he was just a few weeks. This time my Mother took me and your Aunt was to drop me off at home at the end of the weekend. I was staying for the whole weekend again. That was a rough weekend this time. Your aunt and uncle were fighting with you a lot. You had this new baby that you got up every few hours to feed. He slept in his crib in the room with us. I felt bad for you... Being so young and having a baby, and no mother to help you with what to do or advice. I wished I could help with advice but I knew nothing about babies. And your aunt and uncle didn't help you much with that. Especially not your uncle. He was mostly quiet and red faced. Like he was always tense and angry. He was weird. The last day of that weekend, I was getting ready to leave soon. Your aunt wanted to take me home early because it was a long drive for her. So we got ready and you and your aunt got into a huge fight and you ended up breaking your phone in half from being so angry. I asked you how are you going to contact me now and you said you'd just get a new one. You were trying to calm the baby down from crying. You were rocking him in his car seat on your bedroom floor. It came time to go and the ride was awkward since you and your aunt just fought. After that weekend, I didn't see you again for a while because no one wanted to make the drives for us to see each other anymore because it was "too" far and its easy to get lost.

But of course, you called me again one day. Told me  you were moving closer to me with your sister. You 2 were getting a place together. Soon enough you did and I was there ALL the time. I went over there almost every weekend. Even almost every day. And you had 2 jobs to provide for your son, your apartment, and for yourself. So you asked if I would watch your son for you while you worked. So I did. I took care of him for a while. And I did it for free. I never asked for anything in return except for you to always be a good friend to me... That should go without saying. Shouldn't it? I thought so.

You were working so much that I mostly saw you in the morning before you left to work at your first job, then I would see you at night when you would come back from your second job. We would hang out and talk all night. We would watch movies and make food. It was nice. And I loved being a god mother. But of course. All good things do end. Right, Shannon?

You started dating a lot of men. Which was whatever to me. I didn't care that I had a slutty best friend. As long as you were safe about it. I didn't want you to get diseases or end up pregnant by someone again. I am sure you readers are wondering what happened to her sons father... Yeah well they broke up because he was shit and he abused Shannon while she was pregnant. I saw that coming. Didn't I? But no one believes me. Anyway, Shannon ended up screwing a dude, Jake, that ended up room mating with her and her sister. He was a nice guy. Very shy. But he was cute. He was in love with Shannon. And he was good to her son. Shannon liked him for a while, but got sick of him because he was clingy and it annoyed her. The only time he wasn't around her was when he was at work. He had a twin brother too. His twin ended up moving in with them too and his twin ended up getting a HUGE crush on me. Which I will save that story for another time.

So, Shannon went through a lot of men and ended up actually moving out of her sisters house, because her sister was settled down to one man and wanted to live with him in their own home. Shannon ended up moving far again. In the country again. An hour away again. BUT this time it was her own house and I had Jake to take me to her place now since he went there a lot. Shannon had gotten a different job now since she moved so far from her other jobs. She was a waitress. I would stay the whole weekend. Jake and I would chill and watch Shannon's son while she worked. We even made sure to keep her house clean for her so when she came home from work she didn't have to do anything. Jake still had a major crush on Shannon but Shannon was not interested in him like that anymore. And this was her first time being single for more than a week. I was actually proud of her. She was renting her own house, making her own money, working hard. Being strong. I loved it. But of course that had to end soon. She ended up meeting someone at her new job... It didn't take long for them to begin their lives together and drop me out of the picture....

[evietells]

I Just Cared. Part 1.

Hey all. So after all that middle school to high school drama, somewhere after Nicole, I was able to move on. Even though Nicole and I weren't doing well, I had met a friend in the winter of that 9th grade year, before Nicole and I fought and stopped being friends. Her name was Shannon. She lived kind of far from me, I met her through my boyfriend at the time. His best friend was dating her and we would have 3 way calls over the phone. We would talk to each other every night when Shannon was dating my boyfriends best friend. I never knew what she looked like. She was VERY bubbly though. I HATED people like that... but something about her was kind of awesome. So after a few times talking on the phone, she found me on social media. I accepted her request. It was nice to finally put a face to the voice. I thought she was really pretty. She looked like a little Barbie doll, but she had the mouth of a sailor and I thought that was fantastic.

Shannon and my boyfriends best friend actually didn't last long. She broke up with him after about 2 weeks of dating. She said he was weird and she was tired of him, but she wanted to still be my friend. I felt special. Haahaa. Around one of the first big football games at my school, it ended up being her school against mine. Her school came to my school for the game. She told me she was going to go to the game if I do so we can finally meet. So we made that plan to go to the game and meet each other finally. When my Mom dropped me off at the game I was so excited to finally meet her. She let me know where she was going to be waiting and my Mom dropped me off at that spot. She was waiting by the gates of the high school football field. As soon as I got to her, she was talking my ear off. It was a cold night, but we were having so much fun that we barely felt the cold. I remember I brought my cousin with me to the game too. He played with the other kids there while Shannon and I talked the whole game. We ventured around. She got food at one point because she was hungry. She was so funny and I felt it could be the beginning of a wonderful friendship. She was unlike anyone else I had ever been friends with.

Well, we kept in touch and she stayed at my house on weekends sometimes. She would stay 2 nights in a row, because she lived far. Her mom would drop her off and pick her up pretty much every time. Then a few times I would stay at her house. She was in the country and it was no service there. My boyfriend at the time hated when I stayed at her place, because he couldn't really talk to me much. The first time I stayed at Shannon's place was for another football game, but this time it was at her school. She invited me over to stay and she had a new boyfriend at this point. He was SUPER ugly, but he was nice. We all went to the game, it was FREEZING that night. The wind was really going too, which made it even worse. But all the same, we had a lot of fun. Shannon was making out with her boyfriend a good portion of the time. Haahaa. And also on the way back to her house from the game, she was making out with her boyfriend in the car, while I sat up front with her mom and talked with her. Her mom was a nice, straight forward lady. She was also really awesome and made me a scarf that I actually still have. It's a green and black woven scarf. I wear it every winter. We would have fun sleepovers. A lot of chilling and relaxing. Shannon smoked cigarettes though. I didn't do any of that. So, whenever we hung out I always smelled like cigs after. I had to explain to my mom that I wasn't smoking, Shannon smokes. She didn't like that very much. I got used to it after a while though. She smoked like a pack a day. Maybe more. Other than that though, that was the only thing she ever did that wasn't good our age. Well, that I knew of....

She ended up breaking up with the guy she was dating and started dating someone else. This guy she stayed with for a long time. He was actually the cause of mine and Shannon's first real fight. I didn't like him, I can tell what kind of person he was and I never even met him yet. Shannon was ALL about him though. Of course... So, She ended up telling me that she started having sex with him. And I got upset because her and I made an agreement that we wouldn't lose our virginity's until we were a little older. That went out the door. Not for me, but for her. And then I ended up finding out that she lost her virginity like 2 years ago and she had lied to me about being a virgin anyway. So I got even more upset. I was upset she had sex with someone who I KNEW was a piece of shit, and I was upset that she lied to me from the beginning about something so dumb. If she was honest with me from the beginning when I told her I was a virgin, then I wouldn't have even cared. But when you lie to me and say, yeah! I am too! Then... yeah... it's a little upsetting to know someone you trusted lied to you about something they didn't have to.

Anyway, we got into a huge fight over it, because not too long before she told me that. Me, her, and Nicole all went out dancing for an underage club night. It was so fun, but Shannon's boyfriend literally ruined the whole thing, because he was accusing her of shit that wasn't true at all. I was getting pissed, because the WHOLE time Nicole and I were dancing, Shannon was in the bathroom on the phone with him, crying, because of him. She didn't even want to come out. Nicole and I tried telling her to blow him off now. That he's doing this shit on purpose, but she wouldn't come back out. So I was angry that she let this asshole ruin the whole night. Also, during this particular time, I hadn't seen Shannon in a while because of how far she lived and she was ALWAYS with her boyfriend. I finally get her for a night and he, of course, ruins it all. She was upset the whole rest of the night. It was pointless even going out. Nicole was pissed that Shannon was letting some dude get to her. Some dude that she hadn't even been dating that long. She was acting like he was her life... She falls too hard.... She still does....

Anyway, that's why I got so angry with her when I found out about the sex shit. I figured she gave it up to someone who didn't deserve her at all. In any way, shape, or form. I was worried about her. But like I said previously, I ended up finding out that she had lost her virginity a long time ago anyway. So whatever.

Well, her and I ended up getting into a big fight over. It was ALL because I cared about her and didn't want her to end up in a bad situation. She was like a sister to me and I wanted to help her make the right choices. She refused though and then every single thing I said about her boyfriend she told him... I was pissed. She was supposed to be my friend and I was being honest with her and she told him EVERY nasty thing I said and she stopped talking to me for a little while. We did end up getting through this ruff patch and we were talking again, but hadn't seen each other in a while. My birthday was coming up and I invited her. It was my 16th birthday. She was supposed to come but she never showed and didn't tell me why until the next day....

Shannon's Mother died...

[evietells]

Stupid

So, Here is a story about how Nicole, MY BEST FRIEND, and I were no longer best friends anymore.

We were there for each other. ALL the time. No matter what, but as you get older people change. That's sort of what happened here.

It was a couple months before 9th grade was out for the summer. Then we had 10th grade to look forward to. One of the days after school, my Mother was waiting for me outside in her car. She was always my ride of course. And then This weekend was the weekend Nicole went with her father. So, her father was outside in his car. Coincidently, both of our parents were parked next to each other. Nicole and I walked out of the doors together every day after school then we said good bye and parted ways to our parents cars. Well, on this particular day we didn't have to because our parents were right next to each other. Her dad, my mom. My mom and I heard Nicole's dad talking about taking her out to eat and asking her where to go. My mom was also taking me out to eat so she let them know. Then my mom and Nicole's dad had decided that we would all just go out together since we all are going out to eat anyway, and Nicole and I were best friends. We didn't see the point in separating then. Except, Nicole did. I didn't know though, nobody knew she was opposed to the idea of us all going out for food together. She never said anything. She just agreed.

So we all went out to eat together and we were having a good time. I sat across from Nicole who was next to her dad, and I was next to my mom. So my mom and her dad were sitting across from each other. Makes sense right? Adults with adults, best friends with best friends. Well, my mom and her dad were getting along pretty well. Its not like there was magic in the works or something but they were having a few laughs, making good conversation. Nicole didn't seem to like that much. Again, I didn't know this til later. Well, My mom accidentally dropped her fork on the floor, and Nicole's dad said he would get her a new one. So he did. Nicole didn't like that either. Again, something I didn't know until later. Well, once he came back with the fork we all were having a nice time, or so I thought. Nicole was a little quieter than usual, but I thought it was because she wasn't very close to her dad. I remember her always saying how she never really wanted to go with him when she had to, and that she hates him and stuff like that.

After the dinner, Nicole's father actually paid the bill for all of us. We thought that was nice of him to do, especially because my mom wasn't financially stable. But she did like to do things with us when she could. Nicole's dad paying the bill for us surprised us because none of us expected it and we were really thankful for his kindness. Nicole wasn't.

Nicole and I didn't really talk much after that dinner date with everyone. I wasn't sure why, but she was being distant. It gave me a bad feeling so I did want to talk with her about it. I didn't understand and wanted to. I guess though, Nicole's mom had plans to talk to mine anyway. So my mom and I both went over to their house together. Once we arrived, I went upstairs to Nicole's room and my mom went in the living room to speak to Nicole's mom. Well, while the talked, Nicole and I talked. She told me that she wasn't comfortable with US being there at the dinner. I didn't understand why. Maybe bad choice of words to explain herself, I don't know but I was offended. She said that she wanted it to be just her and her dad since she never really sees him. That she just wanted alone time with him. I told her that she could have said that and we would have understood but she didn't. And she said she knows but she didn't want to be rude and that we all seemed excited about it.

This whole thing threw me off because her and I actually used to talk about my mom and her dad getting together and marrying some day, then her and I would be sisters. We loved that idea. So I didn't understand what the big deal was of us "intruding" in on a lunch date. I thought she would have loved it too, because we would have been able to spend more time together AND she wouldn't have to be alone with her dad, who apparently she had the hardest time saying, "I love you" to. I was amazed that the dinner was what was bugging her this whole time. It also made me feel like shit.

Well, when I went home with my mom, my mom was telling what her and Nicole's mom's conversation was about. Of course, it was about the same thing as mine and Nicole's. Just different perspectives. Nicole's mom was talking to my mom about how she shouldn't get involved with Nicole's dad. That he sucks and he isn't a good person. And according to my mom, Nicole's mom was cursing up a storm when they talked. Nicole's mom never swore. Ever. So obviously, the dinner thing really pissed off both Nicole and her mom. I found it strange. I guess picking up a fork and paying for someone's dinner is a wedding ring?

Well, after that, Nicole and I got even more distant. I thought the conversation would help. We would get over it and then be friends again. But both sides of the families were perturbed by the events. Theirs was the actual dinner, mine and my mothers was the conversation. I guess both families felt that we all needed to be distant. I didn't want to be distant with Nicole... She was my best friend.. but the feeling was there and I couldn't get rid of it.

When school finals came around. Nicole had chopped all her hair off. She didn't even tell me about it, because we were being distant I guess. But I saw it in our math final together. I didn't really say anything to her. I wasn't gonna let a hair cut up to her shoulders break me. I didn't do anything wrong and I felt she should have said something to me first. If I do remember right though, I think I did compliment it briefly but that was it. Nothing crazy was said. Then the next day. I had a final across from the room Nicole had one. We both were done at the same time of our finals, and we walked out behind other kids that were done. I didn't say hi to her, but I saw her and she saw me. We just looked at each other and went our way.

That summer started and I heard nothing from Nicole and she heard nothing from me. I know, ya'll. It was petty shit, but it's the way the shit went and it was stupid. But anyway, I saw her post on social media that she was having a slumber party... she didn't invite me. I was pissed. So, I called her on the phone about it and we got into a fight. A BIG one. Which ended up being the last of us ever talking again. She told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I thought that we would just fight it out then get over it, but no. She was done with me. And it all started with a damn, stupid dinner. Outrageous.

Even before the dinner, Nicole and I were growing up and possibly apart. She got a new boyfriend that my current boyfriend at the time and I, hooked her up with. He was my boyfriend at the times best friend. When we got them together it was fun at first because we would all double date. But then... it got annoying, because they would go off in another room and do "things" with each other while my boyfriend and I were just chilling there. We came to visit them and the would migrate away from us to fuck around. And no it wasn't sex, but it was other things that could have led up to it if they were ready for it. It was getting on mine and my boyfriends nerves and we felt there was a time a place for that shit. That's when our distance was sort of starting.

Now, Nicole and I are talking again. We have become friends. We aren't as close as we used to be and talked out our differences from when we were younger and what started our issues and us not being friends. We didn't talk for years. We stopped being friends when I was 16, and became friends again when I was 22. Nicole was the one to reach out to me. And it went well, and we decided to meet up and talk. That we did, and we decided to stay friends and not let stupid shit split us up again. Although, not too long after we became friends, she moved to Pittsburgh out of nowhere... -.- I was pretty upset but her boyfriend at that time was going to school out there and they didn't want to be without each other so they both moved there. Now, her and I barely talk but when she comes out here to visit once in a great while. We will go out and have a good time. Its nice having her back in my life and not hating each other over something dumb, but I do have my guard up of course.

If you haven't learned by now, I am a very forgiving person, but I am not as forgiving as I used to be. I have worked on that. I still forgive, never forget. But sometimes, I will hold a grudge depending on what it is.

Thank you, Nicole, for reaching out to me. A weight was lifted. <3

[evietells]

KATIE

Hey Katie. Its your turn.

You readers have seen Katie's name pop up here and there in my posts a bit. She was one of my best friends. She was best friends with  Nicole too. Katie lived right next door to Nicole. It was a double house and they resided on either side of each others place. Katie and Nicole were best friends before Nicole and I were, because they lived right next to each other. When I came into the group, we all just clicked so well. Also, since Nicole ended up going back to home schooling, all I had was Katie at public school. Katie and I became very close. Almost as close as me and Nicole, but not quite there. She always did something to disturb the flow of us ever being as close as Nicole and I were.

Katie and I would hang out just us sometimes, and a lot of the time we would hang out with Nicole too. Just have one big sleepover at each other's houses. Nicole was getting really sick of Katie's bullshit so she was drifting from her. Not from me though. Katie lied a lot and she was a drama queen. EVERYTHING had to be about her. Now, I don't think Katie was crazy, she was just spoiled, had an autistic little baby sister, and an older brother that wanted nothing to do with her in his older teen years. He was going through some teen angst and rage and she was just "in the way". Katie had a lot more leniency than I did and maybe a bit more than Nicole too. She was pretty much allowed to do whatever she wanted most the time. When she would lie to us or be a drama queen, her parents would side with her and protect her like she was doing nothing wrong. They would even help lie for her.

Nicole was sick of Katie's drama as she had been putting up with it for years since they lived so close. I only just started discovering it. At the time, Katie would try to turn me against Nicole. It may have almost worked if I wasn't me, but I am who I am, and it didn't work. I just figured Katie was just being a jealous person and she needed to snap out of it. So, I would try to always reconcile the friendship between Nicole and Katie. I hated seeing our little group being broken apart. I felt that all we had was each other and we shouldn't let it go over dumb shit. Well, Katie ended up really fuckin shit up with us all.

In the summer of 2009, I was 15. It was the summer before 9th grade. High school was coming. Michael Jackson died that year and I loved him so much. HUGE fan, (still am). Katie became a huge fan over the few years of being my friend as well. (She was just pretending though. Trying to copy me) I was so happy that I had a friend to bond over him with. So, when he died, it was devastating to me. Katie knew how upset I was over it and even she was crying and upset (faker). She was on the phone with me the day he died and everything. Well, a week or so later, after his death, Katie and I planned a sleepover. She wanted to invite her friend Aly too. I didn't really know Aly well. I just remember that she came to the school close to the end of the school year. Then she got really sick so she ended up having to take a leave from school and she hadn't come back. She got jaundice and mono at the same time. I guess Katie stayed in contact with Aly though. I told Katie it was fine to invite her if she wanted to. (I didn't really care to have her there, because I didn't know her that well and she would be coming to my house.) I didn't want to piss anyone off or hurt feelings though so I said she could come. Plus, I figured it would be cool to make another new friend.

When Katie and Aly got there, they were all excited and happy. I was too, but of course there was that side of me that was upset over MJ's death still. He was my idol... So, for the sleepover, Katie, Aly, and I watched Michael Jackson videos and listened to his music. NOT the whole time either, but for some of it. I can't remember everything we had done that night, but everyone seemed to be having a good time. We all were laughing, talking, singing, watching videos. Whatever. It was just nice to have a friend there with me. I am not too sure where Nicole was at this point. I can't really remember what she was up to for why she wasn't there. But anyway, The next morning came and they were going home earlier than I had expected but it was cool. I asked if they would like to come sleep over again later today. Katie and Aly both agreed that they would love to and that they will be back over later. I went through the rest of my day as normal.

Later that day, I had called Nina. Nina is the one that I had mentioned earlier in stories as well. Her and Anna being bitches to me. Nina and I ended up becoming friends again though after all that. About a year after 4th grade we became friends again. Anyway, Nina came over the night as well for the sleepover and we waited for Katie and Aly to show. They didn't even contact me to let me know what was going on. They just kept me waiting. I even tried texting/calling Katie and no answer. I knew that something wasn't right, because Katie ALWAYS had her phone on her. I wasn't sure what was wrong though, but I didn't have the best feeling in my stomach. Then, when I went on Myspace to check some stuff out, I saw posts from Katie. She had pictures of her, Aly, and another friend of there's inside a hotel. They were taking pictures with their tongues out in the mirrors, full body shots, pictures of them all trying to act cool. I was REALLY confused. She was posting about how much fun she was having at the hotel with her best friends. In my mind I was trying to make up excuses for her. Saying to myself that maybe she forgot that she said she would come over tonight. Then I realized she had been taking those photos with her phone because mirrors have reflections people and I saw it. I realized she had been ignoring my calls and texts, because clearly she's had her phone this whole time.

I ended up commenting on the pictures saying, I thought you were coming to my place again tonight? And it exploded from there. She flipped out on me, saying that why would she wanna hang out with me. I am boring and all I wanted to do was watch Michael Jackson videos, and that she is having way more fun at this hotel. Apparently Aly's mom got a chunk of money out of nowhere ( I think from suing someone), and she bought a few days stay at the hotel for Aly and Katie and one other friend. That friend clearly wasn't me. It was someone that barely even hung out with Katie as much as I did. I didn't even know they were friends to be honest. Well, anyway, Katie was going off on me, then she got her friends to start harassing me too. They kept calling me and calling me. I just kept hanging up on them or blaring loud, obscene music in the phone when they called. I was sick of them calling and so was Nina. It was ruining our sleepover. Nina was pissed off at all of them too, just like I was. I had spent most of that night with Nina, fighting with Katie, Aly, and the other girl. They were completely disgusting to Nina and I for no reason. Katie just... turned on me. She could never say anything to my face in person. She always did it on the phone or cyber. I guess Katie just felt like bullying me and making me feel shitty. I remember her telling me, "I used to be jealous of you but I hate feeling that way and I am done with it." As if her being jealous of me was MY fault. Fuckin bitch. She could have just told me these things instead of going batshit on me. Also, I know Aly was turning her against me too. It was quite obvious.

For the rest of that summer, I was getting phone calls and anonymous messages with threats being sent to me. I knew it was all them. They even got Aly's mom in on it. How mature for an adult to be playing in teen games. It was ridiculous. They would constantly call me, threaten me that they were gonna come to my house right now and beat my ass. They never did... Haahaa. I always told them to come on over and do so. I was waiting, but they never came. They even tried getting me to come to a park at night. They were planning on bringing a gun and shooting me. What I think, it was all talk. I think they would have tried to scare me, and it wouldn't have worked. I didn't go to the park though, because if they wanted to fight me SOO fuckin bad, then they can make the effort to come see me. I wasn't going to find them and fuckin wait. I did enough of waiting. I wasn't afraid of any of them. If anything, I was more angry that I trusted her as my friend, always gave her the benefit of the doubt, always stuck up for her when she was being bullied, just for her to fuck with me later in life. Just because I was upset over MJ, just because she was sick of being "jealous" of me, just because she made a new friend who's parent got money, just because she was just a HUGE fuckin bitch. I thought maybe if Katie saw that I would always have her back she would see that I am not a friend to lose. I thought wrong. She is still an asshole to this day, except now she has 2 kids with a dude that she believes cheats on her. Katie and Nicole still do not talk, Nicole still hates her to this day. Katie has added me on Facebook twice before. Both times I accepted the request and both times I deleted her. The first I accepted her, because it was a surprise to hear from her after all the anonymous, but obvious harassments through my summer before 9th grade and ALL through out my 9th grade year. I ended up deleting her though, because she messaged me. Still talking tons of shit as always about other people, one of them being Nicole, and then she wanted to make plans to hang out with me. "To Catch up" since we hadn't seen each other since 9th grade. I decided to agree to a catch up. I thought maybe I could ask her and get some insight into why the fuck she treated me like she did. Well, she ditched me. We set a date, the date came, I texted her to remind her. She ignored me. Same old Katie. A year later, she tried re adding me. I accepted. Why? Because, I thought whatever about it. She messaged me. We talked about Young Living Essential Oils. We were both into them apparently, and she was selling one of her diffusers. I wanted another one for my home and they are SUPER expensive normally. She was selling hers cheap-ish and I though it was perfect. She asked if I wanted to buy it, I said sure. I even made sure I had the money too. We, again, created a time to meet up so I can give her the money and she can hand me the diffuser. Well. No surprise readers. I am sure you can guess what happened by now... She ditched me again. I seriously didn't think she would ditch me again when it came to her getting money, but she did. She ignored me and didn't talk to me, but posted on her Facebook. So, I deleted her again. If the bitch tries to re-add me a 3rd time, I have learned my lesson. I won't be accepting.

For Aly, she still doesn't like me. Why? I have no idea. I actually see her more often than I care to admit. I see her out in public a lot, and I have friends on social media that are friends with her too, so I see her posts sometimes. Unfortunately, that's how social media works. You don't have to have them as a friend, but there is still a possibility of seeing each others shit. Aly tries to avoid me anytime we happen to be in the same place. I will never understand her hate for me. Neither of those girls really. I learned to not care anymore though. Some people just don't like me. I guess I just have one of those faces. =P

Also, this is not the first time Katie has hurt me. She hurt me before that, but normally when friends fight you get over it. And we did. She has fought with me many times before this, but we stayed friends. I think she was afraid to ever say anything to my face again since the last time she tried. It was at her birthday and she was being a fuckin bitch and trying to turn a friend of ours against me over a damn boy. It was all over the fact that Katie's ex kept calling and harassing us the whole night, but Katie kept feeding into it. I was trying to tell her to just ignore him and he will eventually stop and it created a HUGE fight. She ended up screaming at me, and I got in her face and screamed back. She ran away and locked herself in her bathroom. She thought she could scare me, She always thought she could. She never could. It took all the girls at the party to get her to come out of her hiding place and speak with me normally. I promised everyone I wouldn't do anything bad to her. She did eventually come out and speak civil with me and we got over it. But for Nicole, that was the night she told me she was done with her for good, and she was.

[evietells]

Why So Serious?

So, Chris. Lets begin again.

After the issues with James, it wasn't too long then that everything started to just get weird all around. I was being dumb, cutting over a dude that didn't care about me. Then, because the cutting started over that bullshit, I just started to do it when I wanted to. When I was upset, when my mother and I would have an argument, when someone would piss me off, etc. It started becoming an addiction for every little thing. I was one emo 14 year old. Then for the guys... James was depressed and wouldn't really talk to anyone anymore. Chris was still the same player, but started getting distant from the friend group and making other friends. These friends were shitty people, but that's the direction it went. For Billy, he was friends with all of them still and stayed the same. He was there for me to talk to. Billy and I would actually call each other on the phone and just sing Cher's "Do You Believe In Life After Love", to each other and laugh. We both actually really loved that song. When he would come over to hang out with Nicole, me, and Katie at Nicole's house, we would blast Avril Lavigne's, "I Don't Like Your Girlfriend" song. Billy hated it and we thought his reactions were funny. Billy would hang with us girls all the time. Billy and I would talk on the phone all the time, sing Cher, and bond over the brilliance of the band, My Chemical Romance.

So a fun fact for you readers. Billy and I actually were really good friends since like 5th grade. We were always really close like that, WAY before James and Chris came in the picture. I remember, We kissed once. The summer before 7th grade. It didn't go further than that and it was mutual that we shouldn't be together in a relationship. We continued on as just really good friends and it was nice to have a guy friend like that.

Anyway, to continue...

One day in 7th grade. It was getting close to the end of the school year. During this time, James was starting to talk to me again, but still kept his distance. ( I can tell he still liked me though.) It was a Friday, a grey day. I was having a sleep over at my place with Nicole. We were chilling on my sisters laptop, and listening to music, talking. We had talked to Billy and James too that night over the phone. Just random stuff. But what spooked me the most was speaking with James that night. James had called my phone and he was talking to me and Nicole about Chris. He said that he hadn't spoke to Chris all day and he called him but no answer. He said he had no idea where he was. James said that he hadn't seen him all day at school either, except towards the very end of the day when we were all walking to our bus stops. He said he saw Chris walking over by the area where the busses were with a bag of weed in his hand and that he was acting weird. After that. he hadn't seen him or heard from him. That was a HUGE red flag to me, because that wasn't like Chris to ignore his friends and have weed on him. I was worried that something happened to Chris.. I told James I would call Billy and ask him about it. Billy said he hadn't heard anything from him either and that Chris was being weird today, but he didn't know anything about any weed. I messaged Chris on Myspace asking where he was, that James was looking for him. I hadn't gotten a reply back. That was... Until a half an hour or so later. I was listening to music and talking with Nicole in my kitchen. We were on the laptop and I saw a message notification pop up. It was Chris. I opened the message and this is how it went:

Chris: I don't know where I am. I need help.

Me: What do you mean you don't know where you are?

Chris: I am in this persons house. I don't know where it is. I woke up here.

Me:  How are you messaging me on the internet then?

 Chris: I woke up in the house and looked around to try to find out where I am and I saw a computer. It was on so I got on it to message you.

Me: Are you hurt?"

Chris: I don't know, but I need you to come get me out of here. I'm scared and I don't know how I got here. I can't remember anything. Come get me please!

Me: Chris, I can't come get you. How am I supposed to do that. I'm not of age to drive yet and my Mom will KILL me if I leave the house this late.

Chris: I hear someone coming. I need you to come get me before he finds me.

Me: Chris I can't. Can't I just call your mom and ask her to get you?

Chris: No! She will be mad, I need you to come get me. There's no time to call around. He's coming...

Me: Why don't you just hide and try to find a way out. I can try to call the police or something. I can't come get you. My mom will kill me! I can't. I want to help you, but I can't.

Chris: I don't know how to get out, he will hear me.

Me: Chris, I am sorry but I can't. I am scared for you, I don't know what to do.

Chris: IF I DIE, IT'S YOUR FAULT! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And that was the end of the conversation. As soon as he sent me that, I called James and let him know the whole conversation and I said, "Do you think this is for real?" And James said, "I don't know.. I haven't heard anything from him and if it is real this is really bad.. and like I said, he was acting weird when I saw him last." After that, I called Chris's Mom. No answer. I called again. No answer. I called one more time, someone picked up. It was his mom. I said, "Hi. It's Chris' friend, Evie. Is he home?" My heart was beating so fast. I was scared that he was going to get hurt or worse.. and it would be all my fault.. I started sweating from being scared. She said, "No, he isn't here. He's at James' house tonight for a sleepover." My stomach went sour. I felt sick and my eyes started to well with tears. The tears burned and my throat ached as I held in my tears and cleared my throat to sound normal. "Okay." I said, "No problem. Thank you." Then I hung up. Nicole was listening to the whole thing and her mouth was wide open, her eyes bulged. She knew what I knew. What we knew was, Chris and James, BOTH, were fucking with me. They knew how I felt about Chris and a scenario like that, that they had conjured up was not funny. Even if it was someone I didn't have a wild crush on, it's still a disgusting prank to pull. I called James. No answer. I called again, he picked up the phone and it went like this:

James: Hello?

Me: James?

James: Yeah.

Me: Have you heard from Chris yet?

James: No. Why?

Me: I just got off the phone with his Mom and she said he's with you. So, I know you are lying to me. He is there isn't he? He has been this whole time!

One of the boys, not sure who, whispers: Shit...

Then...

CLICK...

James hung up on me and I burst in tears and Nicole was sitting their in disbelief. She was saying, "How could they do that? That was fucked up." I just cried and agreed with her. Then a few minutes later my phone rings. I answer it.

James: Hey.

Me: What do you want? *Trying to hold back tears*

James: It was just a prank. Here..

*He puts Chris on the phone* This made me even more angry.

Chris: It was just a joke, you don't need to take it so serious.

Me: And how long were you going to keep this "joke" going then? This wasn't funny and it hurt. It was mean.

Chris: Oh come on. Are you serious? We were just messing around. You don't need to be so serious about it.

Me: I don't care. You don't do pranks like that. What if it was real? I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if something happened to you and you know that. I can't believe you guys. You're fucked up.

Chris: Whatever. If you wanna call later and talk to us, we will be here. Bye.

Me: I'd rather not, just leave me alone."

CLICK.. I hung up.

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After that night, I didn't speak to either of them ever again. Billy was amazed, not in a good way, about what they did. He thought it was fucked up to and not something to joke about. Then to put it all on me to go save him. It was awful. I wish I could know why. Why they decided to play this "prank". How they thought it was a good idea to do. Why they chose me. Why they even WANTED to do something like that. How they had conjured this up. When did this plan start. Was it supposed to go that way or was it all in the moment. I didn't know or understand. I do know, I would never prank someone with something like that. It's evil. There are people in the world who are napped by others that NEED help and it's for real. They end up scared, hurt, raped, dead. It's traumatizing and not something that is funny. Obviously it was funny for them, but when were they going to stop? Were they going to keep making it worse? I don't know. It had to take me finding out from a completely different source that had no knowledge of who her son really was, a fuckhead. And guess what? Even after ALLLLLL of this fuckin shit!.... I still liked you, Chris.... And I HATED James. BUT, I didn't let me liking you shadow the big picture. You were a douchebag and that was that. And for James... I think you wanted me to hate Chris finally but didn't think it would backfire on you. Well, it did. Good job. You both sucked.

Chris... Even though I liked him well into 9th grade. I still didn't let that get the best of me anymore. I knew I liked him, I hated that I did, and I did not act upon the feelings. I dated other people and I let Chris go. Even though I liked him, it was slowly fading....

Finally.

[evietells]

Let's Take A Brief Break...

Let's take a brief break from Chris and talk about someone else. This person happened somewhere in the middle of my 7th grade year. Even though Chris isn't done yet, there was a brief period when I actually hurt someone else. Yep, me. Miss "Writing posts about all the people that have hurt me". I won't lie. I did hurt someone else. I didn't mean to. Truly I didn't, but the point is, I did. I do apologize to them, and I have told them straight that I apologize and the reasons behind why I have hurt them. They know, and at least it was to their face. I really am sorry James.

Does James ring a bit of a bell readers? Maybe? Well, he was in the previous story. I said his name, he was friends with Chris and Billy,, and.. with me. James started liking me way before I knew it. He started liking me as soon as he was introduced to me in the group, but I was too blinded by Chris to notice any others. When Chris hurt me like he always did, James and Billy were the dude support that I had. I didn't realize James liked me so much though. He liked me JUST as much as I liked Chris.. maybe more... if that's even possible. When Chris broke up with me, James flew in. He started not liking Chris so much for the way he was treating me and how I kept falling for it every time. James wanted to see me happy... with him. I didn't really feel anything for James in that way. When I found out he liked me though, which became quite obvious after Chris broke up with me, that's when more problems started. James wasn't a bad person at all, he was SO nice, caring, and loving. Everything I wanted in a guy.. Well, not just a guy... but in Chris. I didn't want to date James. He was more like a brother to me than anything. I felt bad too, because here he is. So nice and sweet. What I have wanted... but it's not the right person. It was killing me. I thought "Why couldn't Chris and James switch personality". It was driving me crazy.

My friends would tell me, "Why don't you just date James?" "OMG he wrote you a note confessing his love for you, I wish I had a guy that liked me like that. What's wrong with you?" "OMG he sings love songs to you. Why won't you date him? He is everything!" Yes, all that was very true. He did confess his love for me, more than once. Not just through notes either, but he would call me as well. He did sing love songs to me too. The love song he would sing to me the most was Aerosmtih's "I Don't Wanna Miss A  Thing". Even us not being together, he would do these things and he was just so beautiful.... But... James wasn't what I wanted. I wasn't interested no matter what he would say or do... Trust me... I tried to feel SOMETHING. I tried. I am sorry, James.

After my friends badgering me about it for so long I decided to give in. James tried every day for me to say yes to him. To dating him. I would always say no. He never stopped trying. Now, he was never creepy about anything or possessive so get all of that out of your heads. I know he was consistent but he wasn't crazy and he wasn't bad. He was just hopelessly in love with me and so determined to make me see that he can give me the happiness I always desired from Chris. We may have been only teenagers, but he really did love me... I could feel it. So, eventually, I gave in and said yes. I will give you a chance, James. He was so happy! I literally dated him for 2 weeks..

During those 2 weeks you were so wonderful to me! You came to my locker and waited for me everyday, you held my books for me and walked me to class, even if that meant you would be late for yours, you held my hand, hugged me, walked me to the bus stop every day, met me in the morning outside every morning, told me sweet sweet things all the time, sang to me, wrote me notes. You even held my hand on our date when we went roller blading. I ruined that date, because I wouldn't skate with you much. I wanted to feel something with you so bad.. I tried. I really did whether you believe it or not. I know 2 weeks is such a short time, but I didn't want to lead you on and lead you deeper. It was bad enough I said yes to you even though my answer in my head was still no. I thought maybe if I say yes, (1) my friends will shut up. (2) Maybe my feelings for you would change to what you wanted them to be if I just gave being with you a chance. They didn't... And I am sorry. I didn't want to drag it on. When I broke up with you, I explained myself. I told you, I feel like I am dating my brother. It's weird. I hurt you.. I felt horrible. Maybe I should have said it differently. It doesn't matter though. Either way, I crushed you, James. And I can't take it back or make it better. I actually went on to make it worse... I hurt you not once but twice.

Readers, I will explain that second time I hurt him in this post. This post is going to be long, but I need to tell his story here.

So, after we broke up. You were depressed, BUT you didn't stop talking to me. You still smiled at me every day, still talked to me, still tried to make me see that you were better than Chris. And you know what James, you were better than him. SO MUCH better. I wished I could feel something for you, but I just couldn't. It just wasn't there... I don't know why. I was just stuck on Chris and No... You didn't deserve that, James. You didn't deserve it the second time either...

Lets skip to a couple/few months later. We would all hang out still as a group. Me, James, Chris, Billy, Nicole, Katie, and a few others too, but they weren't anyone we were super close to at the time. James, when we would all hang out you would always look at me, smile at me, make me laugh. You liked doing voice impressions. You did Quagmire from Family Guy very well. I loved it. And I will admit, in brief moments, I thought I could love you too. I did love you, but not the way you loved me. But in brief moments. I thought I could truly love you like you wanted me to. But... they were brief and gone again. We were friends and that made me happy. We were friends and that made you sad. I wanted Chris, you wanted me. It was like it was never ending. So the months/days/weeks leading up to Valentines week you were confessing yourself to me ALL over again. Through out those months you just were in so much love, more than before if that's possible. Its like all of a sudden this new spark in you ignited and burst. So one night, on a weekend. I was at a slumber party with, Nicole, Katie, and Nina. Somehow we got to talking about you, James. They were all being so girly and for some reason that night, I was agreeing with them about you. They were saying how cute you were for me, and going on about how I should give you another chance. I told them, "Maybe.... You know, he sings to me still." And they said, "I want to hear him sing to you!" So, I said, "Okay. Hold on." I picked up my cell phone and called you. You answered. I did some small talk then I asked if you would sing to me and that my friends wanted to hear it too. You were hesitant and super nervous but you ended up singing to me. There was never anything that you would say no to me for. You sang, "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith and my friends ALL swooned. You are such an amazing singer by the way. Then somehow you and I ended up on the phone talking for a long time, while my friends were hanging out just in front of me. They didn't even care that I was on the phone with you instead of hanging out with them. They thought it may be the start to something good. I thought it may be too.. Something that night, it had me so attracted to you. I wanted to be with you. I told you I wanted to be your girlfriend. Again, you were so excited! I couldn't wait to go to school and see you. And I told myself, I was GOING to kiss you Monday when we all went back to school. What was it that night that changed it? I wanted you. I wished you were there with me, laying next to me as we talked on the phone. I wished you were closer to me than just the phone. What was it?? Why did I all of a sudden feel that way about you? Why was it so strong?

Monday came. All the students had to go inside to wait in the gymnasium that morning, because it was way too cold for the kids to wait outside for school to start like we normally did. I walked in that morning, I saw you. You saw me. I gave you a big hug and then... I kissed you. Now, I didn't make out with his face mkay? Haahaa. But, I kissed him, not exactly a peck, but quick and long enough at the same time that I actually felt it. I know you did too, because you were speechless. It was funny. It was a nice kiss too. I spoke first. "So how are you?" And you reply, "I am GREAT!" With a giant smile on your face. But if I was honest with you then. That day. With what I was thinking in my head... I would have said that I still don't feel anything. I don't know what happened... The strong feeling I had for you went away. Immediately. As soon as I saw you it went away. I shouldn't have kissed you but I did, because I thought I was just being dumb. Even after I kissed you though, I felt worse. Actually when I saw you I wanted to turn the other way and hope that the other night was just a dream. That I didn't say I would be your girlfriend, because now I was stuck. I already hurt you once, I didn't want to do it again. The feeling was strong and then faded just like that. When I think about it now, I think, you were a rebound for me. Someone to look to for care and love that truly meant it, because even though Chris would fuck with my feelings, that's all it was. He was fucking with me. You genuinely were not fucking with me. You really did like me, James. I felt like I was being like Chris now.. and it was hurting me inside not telling you the truth and just going along like we were okay. You were wonderful once again this second time around. For Valentines day you asked me to come to your locker. I decided to go down before Chorus class, because your locker was close to my chorus class. So, I went to your locker. And I stood there. I tapped on your shoulder. You turned around, smiled at me. You put your hand in your locker and out of the locker you pulled a rose. The most beautiful red rose I had ever seen. It was real too, not fake. I wondered where you had gotten such a beautiful rose. Did you pick it yourself? I didn't ask. You extended it out to me and I took it. I was hesitant to take it but not enough for you to see it. I felt like I shouldn't have been given this, because I have been faking the way I feel about you. Well, I hadn't been being honest with you, but I truly did care about you. You put your arm around me, walked me half way to chorus, kissed me good bye, then darted up the stairs to your class. You were so happy with me, and I... I was so sad being with you.. Because you weren't the person I wanted, but you should have been because you were amazing. While I was with you, Chris was still on my mind. Chris was still fucking with me, and I was afraid if I stayed with you... Chris wouldn't give me another chance to be with him again some day. I was dumb. I know that. But back then, I couldn't have known that. I only saw him and I tried to find him in another's, but it didn't work.

Now that I am older, and life is different, my life is different now, and I don't have a deep brutal love for Chris, I know I would have taken you back any day, James.. Any time.. Because you were beautiful and everything I wanted in a significant other.

Once I finally had enough and I broke up with you this second time, I know I hurt you more than I did last time. You went on to lead a severely depressed life after I broke up with you, but you STILL were so nice to me and cared for me, but you kept your distance this time. You ended up going down a strange road. You dated a lot of my friends, but could never stay with them, because you only wanted me. Sounds familiar readers? Yeah... He sounds like me... James and I were both hurting and doing almost the same things ALL because of someone we wanted so badly but couldn't have. Except, I didn't fuck with James' feelings after I broke up with him like Chris did to me. Chris ended up being the first reason why I started experimenting with cutting/slitting my wrists and thighs open. Fucking up my body, because I saw him flirting with a  friend of mine the SAME exact way he flirts with me. Telling her he loved her and then doing the same to me... And just flirting with her constantly and she wasn't even a good person. I felt I was. I didn't understand why you were doing this.. You started flirting with ALL my friends and it was hard to take in. It made me realize that you are just a flirt, you don't really care to commit to anyone.. to me.. You are having too much fun messing with everyone. Why give that up? Asshole. You should have just said so, Chris. I would have understood you just wanted to play, but you never told me that.  You always told me, you liked me a lot that you LOVED me, but you never asked me out. You left me thinking one day you would want to be with me again... And I hurt James and you hurt me.. It just... sucked. And I was dumb for cutting myself up over you, but I thought it would take away the pain you were causing me that I was allowing because I couldn't help but believe you would see me different one day. The way James thought I would see him one day. But I was dumb, you were dumb, and we were all just dumb. Now I have permanent scars on my arm for being dumb. And I look down at them and see them there every day and remember why they're there. Because I was immature and cared too much about someone who didn't care at all about me. And I HATED myself for still wanting you even though you sucked. And I HATED myself for hurting James, because he did not deserve that. I felt like I should just go away. So, that way none of you will hurt again and neither will I.

James, I am sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be with you. I wished I could turn back time and not hurt you like I had. I wished I could have done something other than what I had already done. I didn't want you to go down the road of depression and loneliness, because of me.. I knew what it felt like too. I hate that I hurt you, I hate I was never able to fix it, and I hate that you hurt all my friends when you dated them, because you wanted me instead. Especially my friend Nicole... You hurt her the most, James. But we all forgive you, and I know you don't forgive me. If you did forgive me, you wouldn't have hurt me later on in life like you did.  That story is for another time though. Just remember, whether you believe it or not.. I  did care for you, but not the way you wanted me too. I couldn't help that and I truly am sorry. I know it means nothing to you...

[evietells]

Don't stop if I fall and don't look back...

[evietells]

7th Grade With You

Hey, so if you read my previous story, First Real Crush", then you'll know that Chris' story isn't done yet. I have ALL of 7th grade to tell. I mean, of course, I am going to summarize things to the best of my ability, because ya'll don't need a play by play of my 7th grade year. Just the stuff that sticks out to me and the things I remember most. The things that were, ultimately, pretty negative in my life. So, I will begin.

The summer before 7th grade:

6th grade had ended and summer wasn't too bad. Even though I crushed on your for the rest of the 6th grade year, I didn't make a job to think of you ALL summer. Just for a portion of it... Haahaa. That summer wasn't too bad. I had a best friend, who knew ALL about you, of course. Her name was, Nicole. You knew who she was too. She was the new girl in 6th grade. She only stayed for a semester then left to go back to homeschooling. Public school was too much for her at the time, but even though she left after 1 semester, she remembered you. The rest of the 6th grade year I talked about you to her and Katie. About everything. They were there for me. She and Katie were the only ones who knew my true feelings for you and they understood. That summer I spent a lot of time with Nicole (except for when she would go to Pennsic every summer for all the month of August) and Katie. Katie was my other best friend too. I'd stay at Nicole's and Katie's houses all summer and they'd stay at mine all summer. We were our own little group and we were inseparable. They also knew how low I felt about myself and how much I wish I wasn't me. So, they were also the first to find out that I had chopped all my hair off. I had super long hair, but I felt I needed a change. I felt like I wanted to be noticed for positive instead of negative things when I went back to school... Plus, my hair was ALL super dry, because during the beginning of the summer I tried to put red streaks in my hair, and the hair dresser fucked it up and they turned out pink. I don't like pink much so I was REALLY upset. She ended up having to dye my hair dark brown to get rid of that. And to do all that work in the same day is bad for the hair. Anyway...

It was just a few weeks until summer freedom was over and 7th grade was to begin. I wasn't excited for school, but I was kind of excited to see you. Even though it kind of seemed like you hated me and that seeing me was the complete last thing on your mind. But... something happened that changed my mindset on that. One day. Nicole and I were chilling on her computers. She was on one, and I was on the other. Always on Myspace or Club Penguin (Lol). Well, to my amazement, I got a friend request from you, Chris. I immediately accepted it. There wasn't a picture of you on the page, but it had your name on it. You ended up messaging me when I accepted your friend request. I opened it, kind of scared, kind of excited. I told Nicole right away. She was over my shoulder, checking it all out for herself. You asked me how my summer has been and such and how I was doing. You know, the usual talk. But then... You said, "I'm sorry for the way I acted last year." I didn't think you would ever mention that again. You said, "I guess I just wasn't ready for a girlfriend yet and I acted dumb about it. But I promise that I am different now and this year, I am more ready to stop being so scared." I didn't know how to take that, but I was definitely screaming like a little fan girl. Nicole was too and saying, " OH MY GOSH!" With a big smile on her face. Haahaa. I loved that message and I couldn't wait to go back to school. I thought, maybe this time, things could be different. If he asks me out again, that is. I warned you that I chopped all of my hair off. You didn't mind. You said you were sure I was still pretty regardless. Ohhh how you made me melt... The simplest words were like magic to me, as long as they were from you...

So, the first day of 7th grade came and I saw you. You actually came up to me and said, "Hi", but nothing too crazy happened that day. Just that simple, "Hi", made me so happy for the rest of the day. I was self conscious of my short hair though... I regretted it. I felt I looked worse. I hadn't had chopped hair to my shoulders since I was a little kid and chopping it reminded me of why I had kept it long... But, you smiling at me and saying hi made all that hateful feeling towards myself, go away. You were my reason to want to look nice every morning at school. You were the reason for my biggest smiles. You flirted with me all the time. You would come by my locker and talk to me sometimes. You would meet me outside before school started and I became good friends with your group of friends. We were all friends and it was wonderful... but to be honest I wanted more with you. I was wondering and waiting when you were going to ask me out again.... if you were gonna ask me. It was killing me, but I was patient. Your one guy friend, Billy, had to be the one to always talk to you about asking me out. How you should ask me out and what are you waiting for. You always told him, you don't know. I always confided in Billy. Chris, you would write me notes every day and fold them up like little footballs. I loved opening them up and reading them. They were adorable and you said the sweetest things in them that you were way to shy to say to my face. I didn't care though, because it was your hand writing and it came from you so it still meant so much to me. You know I was crushing on you hard, I didn't try to hide it at all. But you still took your sweet time asking me. You finally did though.

You asked me to be your girlfriend after MONTHS of Billy speaking to you about it over and over again. BUT, you finally asked me. It went great for the first week. I won't lie when I say that I was scared to come back to school after you asked me. I thought it was going to be like last year. I would arrive on Monday and you would have someone, who's not you, break up with me for you. But... You didn't.  We sat together at lunch, held hands, you waited for me at my locker, gave me cute notes. It was like we were when we were friends before you asked me out this second time. Except we held hands now. I tried getting closer to you, making the moves to get closer... but you always seemed tense and seemed like you were ever so slightly inching away. I figured it was because I was actually your girlfriend this time and you were trying not to be so scared, like you said in the message you sent me in the summer. So, I was calm with you. I didn't try to kiss you or try to make you uncomfortable, I just tried to get closer to you. For example, our first date. We went to a skating rink. You gave me a dollar to get something to eat/drink. (I never spent it). And we skated around. You didn't hold my hand when we were skating, if anything you were skating past me and away from me the whole date. Your friends came too, of course, because we were all friends. And at that age, going on a date alone was awkward.  So, I thought you flying past me  was just you showing off. All boys do it. And so do girls, but I wasn't about to try to compete with you and embarrass myself. I was hoping at the end of that night, you would maybe kiss me. I really wanted to kiss you... But... you didn't. We said good bye, hugged, and went our separate ways... After that date, you started getting distant. I wasn't sure why, but I tried to act like everything was fine. You stopped calling me, stopped writing me notes, stopped coming to my locker, didn't eat with me at lunch, you avoided me in the hallways.... then after a month of you doing that to me, Billy came up to me and told me you broke up with me. You couldn't face me, yet again, to break up with me and you had a friend do it instead. Billy actually showed some sympathy though when telling me. He felt bad for me. I could tell. But... it didn't matter. I wished it was you feeling bad for me, feeling something for me. But it was never you.. you fooled me again and I felt dumb. Dumb to have trusted you with your words you wrote me in a message in the summer. Dumb to have felt like we could have been something. I ended up telling Billy, "Yeah, well I thought he broke up with me a long time ago since he hasn't talked to me in a while. So whatever because I am breaking up with him." (Not that any of that made sense. I was just hurt) Then I walked away. After that day, you NEVER asked me out again. Ever. You ignored me for a while again, not for as long as you did last year in 6th grade though. You kind of couldn't ignore me too long this time though, because I was now friends with all your friends. Your friend Billy, and James. Billy and James both felt bad for me, and didn't understand why you didn't want me but kept leading me on. It actually pissed them off. But all the same, we were ALL friends.

Eventually, you started talking to me again. We were getting along fine and yes.... I still had a fuckin crush on you... It was annoying me and probably you too. OR maybe it didn't annoy you as long as it was when YOU wanted it. You've hurt me enough as it is, but I still wanted you, more than just a friend. I didn't try to push for it though. I didn't want to weird you out and push you away. But you just wouldn't stop flirting with me. You started your flirting all over again and it killed me every time. I should have told you to stop or something, but....I always hoped that you would want me back. Someday. So I allowed it, because I liked you and because even though we weren't together, you were still giving me the attention I craved that I wasn't getting when we were together... I felt like it was better than nothing... Of course though... I was wrong. But that's something I couldn't have known then... You would lead me on and on. You knew how much I liked you, I didn't hide it and your friends would tell you the exact words I would confide in them about. So you KNEW and you STILL lead me on. You KNEW I wanted you to be more than my friend. You KNEW I was crazy about you and you KNEW how much it hurt me that we would never be. But you still continued to fuck with my feelings. Why couldn't you just be up front with me? Why couldn't you just leave me alone? That period of time when you were ignoring me, I didn't even bother you and I felt like I was getting better and getting over it. But here you come, writing me notes out of nowhere, spilling out these sweet words from your lips... It drove me nuts and you LOVED it. I can tell. What was the difference between us being friends and you giving me attention rather than from us being together and giving me attention? I wasn't asking for you to be up my ass, but you showed me WAY more attention and care when we were just friends. It was kind of like we were dating but didn't put a name on it and didn't take it any physically further than just hugs. You just weren't done with me for real were you? Even though you broke up with me twice, and acted strange after the break ups. You would eventually go back to your cute and smooth self. It was fucked up and pretty disgusting of you to do. I just have one question. Why, Chris? I know I will never truly know.

Stay tuned readers, Chris isn't finished yet, but this post is long as it is already.

[evietells]

What is it that you're afraid of? Tell me, what is it you're running from?...

[evietells]

First Real Crush

As if the trio and what came with them didn't make my life suck enough, there was you.

Chris. You were SO cute. I won't lie just because you were an asshole. You were cute and unfortunately, you still are. Damn it. I was hoping after all the petty bullshit you put me through, Karma would get you and you would turn out to be an ugly person as you got older. Your metamorphosis into a man. Did you ever grow up though? I wouldn't know. I guess Karma isn't always in my favor... but was it ever? Haahaa. You have actually grown to be something that should be on magazines, and that you did do. For a little while. You were modeling for a men's boxer company. You lost all that super skinniness to you and packed on the muscle. Got all those tattoos and hair on your face. You grew up to be something I never thought you would be, or something I never hoped you would be, should  I say... but again, Karma doesn't work for me...

Chris. I had the biggest crush on you for years. Since 6th grade to be precise. Which was also the first time you ever hurt me. It was dumb, but during that point in a kids life, especially one being bullied, it was pretty hurtful what you did. So how about we start there... 6th grade. I never really put much attention onto your presence before. You were just another one of them skater kids, roaming around the halls, trying to be cool with your friends. You weren't someone that stuck out to me in the beginning. I saw you of course, but I didn't pay any mind. That was until, one day... The day you asked me to be your girlfriend, Chris. Do you remember that? Mmm, probably, but I am sure you will deny it and pretend that never happened. That I am delusional right? No, Sweetie. You're delusional.

It was a Friday. The end of the school day and I was at my locker. I was getting my homework together in my messenger bag to take home for the weekend. As I was almost finished gathering up my things, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and it was a boy. Around my age, maybe a year younger than me (since I was held back in first grade, I was older than a  lot of people in my grade). Brown, shaggy hair. Hazel eyes, the cutest smile, so skinny (could probably have picked you up myself), and just a little taller than me. Chris. You looked me in the eyes and smiled at me. I was wondering what you were doing. Haahaa. You tap on my shoulder, you are looking at me, smiling. We have never talked before. I was kind of confused but mostly curious what you wanted. I said, "Hey, Chris. What's up?" That was when you unglued your eyes from me and started darting them down, then to the side. You were hesitant. I thought it was cute. You said, "I was just wondering." You pause. "Would you want to go out with me?" You just rattled that last question there out so fast to me. I couldn't believe you were asking me this. I thought I was hearing things. No one really liked me, especially not someone like you. Who had all these friends and was cute. I never was asked out by the cute ones. Normally I was asked by the creepy, disgusting ones... So, you Chris, you were a surprise. And its kind of hard to surprise me with anything. Soo... congratulations? I said back to you, "Uhm, are you serious?" I smiled. You said something funny. "I am as sure as I know my ABC's and 123 's." And you smiled as your cheeks went red. You were blushing. I didn't know boys blushed. I thought it was just a girl thing. But all the same, it was still adorable. So, I took a few seconds to think, you seemed like you were getting more nervous with every second that I hadn't said a word. Then there it was... I said it. "Yes. I'll go out with you." You smiled and said, "GREAT! I'll see you Monday." Then ran away and didn't look back. But I watched after you, smiling, sweating because of how nervous I realized I had truly been. And just like that. I thought I had my first boyfriend... Was I wrong? Absolutely.

All weekend I was so excited to see you again. It dawned on me that we didn't even exchange numbers. But I figured, ahh whatever. I will be seeing you Monday at school anyway. I will get it then. Monday did come. And I was so happy. Monday was finally here. I thought, Well, maybe we can try to eat lunch together. Maybe we can meet up and walk to the same classes that we had together. I was in the best mood I could have ever been in that whole year. Well, that shattered sooner than I thought it would. Probably sooner than anything has before in my life.

I was at my locker that Monday morning. In good spirits and hurrying to get to homeroom so I can start my day and possibly run into you so we can talk. I mean, after all, you were my boyfriend now right? So, I thought it would be okay to talk. While I was at my locker, one of the very few friends I had, Kassie, came up to me. She says "Hey, don't kill the messenger okay?" and I said, "Okay. What is it?" and she says to me, with no sympathy, "Chris doesn't want to go out with you anymore. He changed his mind." The smile wiped right off my face. I didn't know what to say or what to think. I didn't understand why Kassie was the one who had to come and tell me this. Why didn't he? It was so sudden, so soon. Unexpected. Normally you middle school boys will at least wait a week before calling it quits. Maybe just right after you get that first kiss in or two. I just kind of felt sick to my stomach and was crushed for the rest of the day that day. When you saw me Chris, you would look away. Pretend you didn't see me. I thought that to be kind of mean. What did I do? Did someone tell you something about me that wasn't true? I was so confused and I wracked my brain on the possible reasons why you changed your mind, why you had Kassie come tell me, and why you wouldn't even look at me. I didn't ask you because the hurt was still fresh and I figured with you ignoring my glances that you didn't really want to talk. I was just ashamed... I started thinking the worst. I was thinking, was it a joke? A dare? Did someone pay you to ask me out and if I said yes it was a done deal for the bet? You were going on about your day smiling, laughing, just like you used to before you approached me that one Friday. It was like nothing had ever happened. But me... I was stung. I was self-conscious all over again. I felt like complete shit. And you want to know the fucked up thing about all of it, Chris? What you did... made me like you even more than I did before... And I HATED myself for it... but I couldn't stop. You were like a drug. I was addicted to you. Seeing you around in school, even though you hurt me, made me feel euphoric. Maybe it was because I wanted something I couldn't have so it was a kind of challenge to me. It may sound weird/crazy or both, but it's how it was. And you readers can't tell me you have never felt such fire for someone before. And for you readers that haven't yet, you will...

So begins the BIGGEST and LONGEST crush I ever had on someone during my horrible, horrible school years. But oh no, don't worry. Your story isn't over yet, Cutie. (; I am just getting started... Don't forget we have all of 7th grade to go over. You do remember 7th grade... don't you? No? That's okay. I'll refresh your memory...

[evietells]

The cup is not half empty as pessimists say... ♡

[evietells]

Should Have Known...

Lets take a trip down on to the very brief period in my life when Dawn and I were actually friends! Crazy right? Well, it's true. We were.

Dawn and I became friends (funny enough) because her and Anna weren't friends anymore. She was lonely in the halls and she looked sad all the time. I felt bad for her. Especially because I have been there before and I KNOW the feeling. Once you lose friendship with Anna, you lose all the other friends she came with. (Keep in mind, this story was before they all were screaming at me in chorus class, which was my last post. Refer to "The Trio").

So, one day Dawn and I just started talking. We ended up trading numbers and texting each other, trying to make plans. And that we did. We liked a lot of the same kind of music so that was helpful. She did come stay over. She actually asked if she could stay for 2 days straight. I was okay with it. We had SOOOOO much fun too. Singing, dancing, watching movies, eating junk food, being ridiculous (in a good way).

Except, at one point, she did want to leave my house briefly to go meet up with her boyfriend. We were in the middle of a movie, and she was texting him. She said to me, " I may go meet my boyfriend over at the bridge to give him a good night kiss or something. I miss him and he is over there. He wants to know if I can go there." I didn't really know what to say, because all I could think of was that she was at MY house. In MY presence. If something bad happened to her on the way there or on the way back... I would feel responsible. I couldn't go with her, because my Mom was way too strict for any of that (and for good reason. People these days are crazy). I told her, "I don't think its a good idea. I mean, I wouldn't care if he was just a bit closer, but he is kind of far for you to be walking 12:00 in the morning to. I understand you miss him, but I just don't want anything bad to happen." She contemplated this for a while then agreed that it wasn't a good idea so she dropped it.

We went back to having a good time and everything. She confided in me about Anna. How she didn't even really do anything wrong, it was a stupid disagreement and she doesn't understand why it got blown out of proportion. I gave her my spiel about what happened between Anna and I as well. She agreed that it was harsh and what not. That she feels exactly how I did back when Anna left me to figure out what I did wrong to lose her friendship. I was there for Dawn and I felt bad for her. I thought it was going to be the start of a great friendship. That's how it seemed. We acted like as if we knew each other all our lives for those couple weeks that she was my friend. But of course, it had to end...

After that weekend sleep over we had, I tried inviting her over again a few days later. She declined, because she said she was grounded. She did try to ask her Mom if she could come over, while I was on the phone with her, but her mom told her no because of being grounded. I understood that and I told her that once she is no longer grounded, we can make plans. She was all for it. But then once she was off being grounded, she ended up getting sick. She was out of school for a week. I texted her to check up on her. To make sure she was alright. We just texted back and forth song lyrics to our favorite songs. It was nice.

Once she came back to school, I was excited to go see her and maybe make some plans for the weekend. When I went to confront her with some plans and to see how she was doing, I saw her talking with Anna and her group. They were smiling and laughing.. all that.. I didn't really know what to say or do so I just turned the other way.

Later on that night, Dawn and I were texting each other. She typed, "Don't be mad at me, but I am friends with Anna again." And I asked, "Why?" And she says, "Because I am. I missed her and I am glad to have my best friend back." I was hurt. I knew anyone that is friends with Anna, won't stay friends with me. I said back, "You know she is just going to do this to you again. That's just how she is, Dawn. You shouldn't be her friend again." And she said, "If you don't like it, delete my number. I don't care." And that was that.

I felt sick to my stomach. During the time we were going back and forth in texts, I was eating. I couldn't even finish it. I felt like puking so I just threw the rest of my food out. I felt alone and dumb again. I should have known not to trust Dawn. Not to be friends with someone who was friends with Anna. Dawn dropped me so quick to be friends with Anna again. It was obvious she was just using me. Then Anna came back so she could care less if I stayed or left the friendship. The point was Anna was back and that's all that mattered. Not me, not anymore. I wasn't Anna. My thoughts were, why? Why did I feel bad for her when Her and Anna weren't talking anymore. Why did I try to be her friend? I should have known this would happen. Well, the answer is, I am nice. But... Where has niceness ever gotten me? Nowhere except hurt.

[evietells]

The Trio

Hey, Thanks for staying with me. So, there are definitely more stories pertaining to Anna, but I chose to write about the ones that stick out more to me. One's that I can specifically remember the most. So. here's one more that I can remember the most. Let's get started...

So, when I did arrive to my 7th grade year. Samantha (Anna's best friend) wasn't as mean to me anymore. Actually, she told me that all that stuff was in the past and its whatever now. (We had one class together, which was art class, and unfortunately we got sat at the same table by the teacher.) There was awkwardness from the previous events, but eventually it diminished when she would speak to me here and there. Nothing major happened though that would change the status between each other. We just talked a bit when we had art class together, kind of because we were right next to each other and, I guess, felt that we had to. Now, if Anna knew that Samantha was being nice to me, I have no idea and I didn't care either. The point was, I had no stress over Samantha hating me anymore as far as I knew.

So, Anna didn't like me. That was clear, so she couldn't just... let me go. She had to be confusing at least. That she was. One day, at lunch, I was waiting in line to pay for my food. There were two separate lines so the students can file out faster and get to eating their lunches since we only had 30 minutes to eat. Well, Anna was in the other line on the side of me. She had her friends with her of course. I ignored them, pretended like nothing weird ever happened between any of us. Pretended she was just another student in line, even though deep down I wanted to punch her in the face and just the sight of her made my blood boil. I carried on though, BUT of course, she saw me just carrying on like I didn't care so she had to do something about that right? Of course. I HAD to notice her, it was unheard of if I didn't. She saw me and actually speaks to me. She shouts above all the noise in the cafeteria, "Hey Evie!" Smiles and waves.. I just looked at her for about 30 seconds, then I replied the first thing that came out of my mouth, "Why are you talking to me?" She looked at me and laughed a little, "Why do you say that?" She says. I said, "Because you don't even like me." And then she had a nervous chuckle and she started stuttering. I just turned my back on her, paid for my food and sat at my table. I was so confused. Why did she say hi to me, smile, wave, and try acting nice. She tried acting like she never treated me shitty over the summer, never put her friends against me, never said awful things to me, never used me. After that, she never said hi to me again though. Thankfully. She was so fake, I couldn't handle it. It was probably ANOTHER game of hers, to say hi to me. They probably thought it would be funny. They probably thought that I would say hi back and be cool with them. So I can look stupid right? Because it was just a mind trick. A joke. I mean, it wasn't that hard to notice all her friends laughing and sniggering at me when Anna said hi to me. They were up to something and it didn't exactly go as they thought it would, hence the stuttering and nervous laughter. Plus. she couldn't really look me in the eye.

Lets skip to a little later in my teen years and another encounter with Anna and her friends. Lets see, Anna and her friends were bullying one of mine. Her name was Katie. Katie will get her own story soon. (Haahaa, I know right. Can't trust anyone.) Anyway, this was 8th grade I think. I, unfortunately, had chorus class with Anna, Samantha, and their other friend (who will also get her own story soon), Dawn. For the most part, they left me alone, until this certain incident I am about to tell you. My friend Katie called me up crying and scared. I could hear the shaking in her voice. I asked what was going on, she was in hysterics. She told me that Anna, Samantha, and Dawn were ganging up on her through social media. It was 3 on 1, and lets keep in mind that Katie was a tiny little thing. Super skinny and super short. (She was another popular girl whom I ended up befriending). She used to get along with all of them and I am not sure how the whole fight started. I am sure it was partly, because she was a friend of mine and stopped chatting with them as much when she befriended me. Not that Katie was ever mean to Anna, Samantha, and Dawn. She just wasn't ever really their close friend. I swooped up her friendship before the others could. But man, did they try! Anyway, Katie was fighting with them over dumb shit of course. Like all high school pettiness. She wanted me help, because she didn't know what to do. She was trying to defend herself , but 3 against 1 is a bit hard. Well, I told her to tell them that if they don't leave you alone, I will be stepping in and I WILL specifically be kicking Anna's ass (just because she REALLY has been aching for it for years now). I singled Anna out this time. Katie did tell them just that and then eventually the fighting subsided. Next day at school, I had chorus class, with them. And of course, they came in last. I was already on the bleachers sitting down waiting for class to start. As soon as they saw me, Anna, Samantha, and Dawn immediately started with their shit. They walk over to me and start embarrassing me in front of the whole class saying, "Oh NO! Evie is gonna beat me up. Oh PLEASE no!" They kept saying it, they knew it would make my blood boil. Which it very much so did. They ALL came up behind me and sat and kept taunting me, "OHHH I am so scared! She's gonna kick my ass!" The chorus teacher ended up separating them and they didn't like that much. I had Samantha on the side of me, Anna behind me, and the teacher put Dawn in the very front of me so they were all separated. Honestly it just made it worse. As soon as Dawn sat down she started on me. She turned around in her seat and started flipping shit on me and about what I had said. I tried telling her I was just sticking up for my friend and how they would have done the same if it was their friends. They all just kept having their go at me. Yelling at me to mind my own business, stay out of shit, it wasn't my fight, and I threatened them, blah blah blah. I tried my best to make it clear that the only one I threatened was Anna and that was if she kept up with her bullying on my friend. The chorus teacher came over and grabbed Dawn by the face because she started to really get in mine, and he was trying to turn her face away from mine. As that was happening, Anna and Samantha were having their go at me concerning the same shit that was coming out of Dawn's mouth. I had enough. I turned around, and said to Anna, "FUCK YOU!" And Anna was so taken aback by that, she just shut down and quietly said, "No..." Then Samantha, of course starts her shit because I swore at her friend (As if they haven't been swearing at me for years). Samantha raises her hand for the teacher to see, and she then points at me and says "SHE SAID A BAD WORD!" (What are we? In Kindergarten. FUCKS.) She was obviously trying to get me in trouble for swearing at Anna. Which her attempt lead unsuccessful and the teacher ended up getting us all to just stop and quiet down. I felt their hatred for me though. It was burying itself in my skin as we continued on through the rest of the class.

So, there it is. The bullshit that was created off of little things that were made into big things. I never understood and still don't clearly, why these bitches tormented me. If they weren't tormenting me they were tormenting people I was friends with. They knew it would all lead back to me just the same. It was tiring, it was redundant, and it was ridiculous. I never did get my chance to beat the shit out of Anna or any of the other girls. I wish I took the chances when I had them, Which could have been in chorus that day. I was seeing black though from how angry I was and all the anger that was building from this shit time after time. Also, it would have been 3 against 1 (Oh look, those numbers again). I would have gotten my ass handed to me. I didn't fancy the idea of a jumping. Plus, I honestly did care about suspensions. I didn't want that on my record. But please people that have gone through this or are going through this, defend YOURSELF. I wish I had done a better job. Maybe they wouldn't have picked on me so much, who knows. I'll never know, because the time with those assholes have come and gone. Of course like all human life, my pain didn't stop there. It was just beginning...

[evietells]

Oh Anna...

So, let's jump to the summer before 7th grade shall we? Okay, cool.

I was speaking to a girl (her name doesn't matter here) who was friends with Anna. I was friends with this girl too, but she was closer to Anna than me. By closer I mean that yes, we hung out a lot, BUT for some reason she was always just closer to Anna. Well, She was talking to me over Myspace in personal messages. We were talking about summer and hanging out some time again, boys (the usual), and then she brought up Anna. She was upset because Anna has been drifting from her (Sound familiar people? No? Refer back to my first post about Anna). She was really upset about it and in my opinion she seemed a little jealous of Anna having new friends (which I don't blame her, it sucks when your best friend leaves you for others. It makes you feel super low and not good enough). I was trying to explain to this girl that it happened to me too. PLEASE keep in mind people, I was just trying to let this girl know that she isn't alone and she can talk to me about it. I NEVER said anything bad. To sum up a whole conversation between me and this girl, I had said to her that It's okay. Friends drift apart. It happens more often than you think. I went through this with Anna as well. I am unsure as to why she didn't want to be friends with me anymore, but she didn't and that was that.

Well, this girl was pretty upset over Anna and I tried my best to console her over messages about it the best I could since I had went through the same with the exact same girl. She told me she felt better about the situation after I had talked to her, and that she wasn't going to try to get too upset over it anymore. I felt happy that I actually helped someone a bit. Of course, during those days of my pre teen hood (I was around 13 here) I had limited time on the internet. I was allowed an hour every day. I chose that hour to help this girl, not forget about Anna, but to not hold onto her too much because it will only hurt if things don't go the way she wants them too.

So, let's skip to a little earlier in that evening when I had messaged one of Anna's other friends who was also my friend. (At least I thought she was...) Anyway, this girl was in Anna's NEW possy, but I didn't see an issue with her, because she was never mean to me. It was summer and I was looking for some friends to hang out with. So, I messaged Samantha. Samantha was definitely one of the popular girls in school and she was nice to me so I was okay with her, even though she was friends with someone who hated me for no reason. Well, here's a tale of ANOTHER big mistake on my part. I messaged Samantha earlier that evening. I asked her if she wanted to hang with me some time this summer and if she could give me her number so we can contact each other to make plans. I hadn't heard back from her until the next day. And the message I got wasn't one of positivity. Since it was so long ago, I can't remember everything that was said in the message, but I remember some things that stick out to me so I will mention those. When Samantha replied back, she said that she is not giving me her number, she doesn't want to hang with me and she mentioned something that I had said in the conversation I had with that girl that was upset over Anna. I was like, Whaaat? How did she know that? During the conversation with that girl upset over Anna, I mentioned how I didn't think I wanted to keep a relationship going with this boy I was seeing (young relationships. lol I know). I just didn't know how to tell him so, because I still wanted to be his friend. I just felt he was more like a friend to me than any thing else. Well, Somehow, Samantha knew about that and criticized me saying that she couldn't believe I would do something like that to him and how messed up of me that is. I didn't quite understand how it was messed up for me to have felt that him and I would be better as friends. She also ended the message saying, "P.S. Your profile picture is creepy." (My profile picture was a picture I took with a professional photographer and I was smiling in it.)

I was SO confused and I felt my stomach drop. I felt sick. I didn't understand. She was so nice to me in school, school ends and she hates me now too? What did I do to her? And how did she know about what I had told  that other girl about the dude I was dating. What is going on here? So.. I messaged her back. I told her that I didn't understand what she meant and if this message was even meant for me. She replied back later and said that if I don't understand then I am retarted and need to re read what she said and that I called Anna a slut to the girl I was messaging that was upset about Anna, that it was real shitty of me to say that, and how I am a liar apparently. I NEVER SAID THAT and I NEVER lied. So, I messaged that girl who was upset about Anna again, and she said she had no idea how they knew what we talked about, that maybe they hacked her Myspace. Then according to Samantha and Anna, (because Anna ended up messaging me saying nasty things to me as well) that girl left her Myspace open when they all had a sleepover and they saw it all. I called BULLSHIT. Now keep in mind, I honestly do not know what happened, how they found out anything that was said between me and that girl But I can tell you what I believe to have happened. That girl had a sleepover with Anna and Samantha. I messaged that girl, and they saw this so they probably told her to keep messaging me back to see what I say. They were probably sitting with this girl, reading every message I wrote back and laughed at me. ALL of them. It was a fun bullying game, ALL because one girl, Anna, didn't like me. So any personal stuff I told, they knew. Anything I said to comfort this girl over Anna, they knew and it started a war. Them Vs. Me. I didn't know how to handle this. I had 3 people, as I knew it, against me. I couldn't trust any of them. Anna was a given, but Samantha and that other girl too. Just wow. So from then on, I knew anyone that befriended Anna, I couldn't talk to. (Which is a lot of people, because Anna had a lot of friends and people she talked to. She was popular).

So, let's skip to the last month in that summer before 6th grade was about to start. There was this page that was being shared by people I had on my Myspace page. It was a photography site. I liked photographer a lot, so I decided to add the page, because I was interested in checking out their photography work. They accepted my request, and I liked some of the pictures.  A lot of them were of nature and things like that. Never really any people and if there was people, they were very much blurred out in the background so you couldn't make out who they were. Well anyway, this particular page had posted something for everyone to see. It was a post about how someone is trying to scam their page, steal their ideas, and copy them. They asked if all their friends on their page could help them report the copycats page. I had privately messaged them and told them that it wasn't cool that someone was doing that and I asked if they knew what page it was so I could find their page and report it for them.

Well, here it comes... I got a pretty rude reply back stating, "Obviously we weren't trying to get your attention for help, Evie. We don't want you to help." Beings I had no idea who was behind this Myspace, I was highly confused on the rude reply. So, I said, Excuse me but I am just trying to help. You posted this directing towards everyone, if you didn't want me to see it then why was it out there for EVERYONE that has you as a friend to see it. Also, I don't even know you so I don't understand the rudeness. And it escalated from there to me finding out this page was OF COURSE, Anna and her friends. I felt dumb...

Anna proceeded messaging me nasty things. Low blows, insults, whatever she can think of to hurt me I guess. We were going back and forth for a while, but then my time online was up and I was freaking out, because I wanted to grab her by the hair and proceed to bang her face off of concrete. But of course, you can't do such things on the web. I had to get off Myspace and I didn't want to, because I was sick of Anna tormenting me and making me feel like shit over nothing. I had , had enough. My oldest sister was in the room telling me that I have to get off, and I showed her the messages that were infuriating me. So, she typed up a quick message to them on my Myspace telling them "I am done with the petty bullshit, bye." And she signed me out of my page.

And that was that... Until I got to 7th grade that school year. 

I REALLY wish I could remember every word that was said to give a better image of the bullshit and hurtful things that were said that evening, but it was so long ago. I am 24 years old now. I was 13 then. It's hard to remember so many years back. But the main things I do remember at least, which is why I share them with you. All these things that I have gone through in my life has lead up to me creating this blog for a place to talk about the things that haunt me.

[evietells]

Just The Beginning...

So, here it is. The first person to have ever hurt me. Now, let’s be real, they probably aren’t the first person to have hurt me ever, but they are the first that I can remember as far back as I possibly can.

I was new to this elementary school. Just moved. I had no friends. I got to know you and you were so nice to me. I couldn’t believe I was actually making a friend. What was this? Second grade? Yes.. That it was. This one is for you, Anna.

We became the best of friends. We were so close. We became best friends, because you gave me your house number and I got the guts to call and talk to you. What age were we? 9, I would say. You thought I was hilarious. I was making you laugh like crazy the whole phone call. Then my phone time was up, because back in those days of phone usage, I was only allowed maybe a half an hour. After that day of talking and laughing, we were inseparable. I slept over your house constantly, you slept over mine constantly. We did everything together. So many adventures, but one of my favorite things was when we made that time capsule for fun. Back then, I had a crush on your older brother so I made sure to put his name on a piece of paper as my crush with the year written as well. Then I tossed it in the box we were using as our time capsule. I also put some other things in there too. For example, some more pieces of paper with the year on each of course, but I had to make sure I put who my best friend was at the time. That was of course you, I also put one of my favorite necklaces in there as well. It was a real shark tooth that hung on the necklace. My Mother bought it for me when we went to an aquarium. Why did I put the necklace in the time capsule? I don’t know. I guess I thought I would open it in a few years when we would still be friends, and I would realize how I forgot about that. I would have smiled and thought how crazy is that. I forgot and here it still is, in perfect condition. Then I would wear it all the time. Well, if I knew then that I would have found that same exact necklace at a different friend of ours house. I wouldn’t have done it. I wouldn’t have done any of it. The capsule wouldn’t have been a thing. BUT, I was a kid. I didn’t think you would ever betray me, hurt me, because we were so close right, Anna? Wrong. I asked Nina, “Where did you get that necklace, I used to have one just like it,” Nina said, “Anna bought it for me a long time ago.” That stung… I couldn’t believe that you dug up our capsule and took MY necklace out of it then gave it to Nina as if you bought it for her. Of course. I tried telling Nina that, that necklace wasn’t for you to give away, Anna. But she didn’t believe me. She had already had it for some time now, she wasn’t about to give it up after I come at her with this randomness.

The necklace story happened way after the story I am here to tell you tonight though. SO, here it is. The beginning…

So, you started to slowly drift away from me when I turned 11 years old, 4th grade. I had other friends of course, but you were the best, right? So, I saw you drifting. I was unsure of what to do about it, because every time I tried to be like we were, it didn’t work. I just felt like I annoyed you. So. I backed off a bit. Gave you space. Well, that was until the elementary social. For those of you who have no idea what that is, I will inform. The social was a little get together for the elementary kids in 4th grade (us, of course) and older grades. It was like a little dance, with food, beverages, and games. It was super heavy on the chaperones of course, because we were only kids and even kids can be cruel. And you would know all about being cruel. Wouldn’t you, Anna?

We needed to be carefully watched, so there was loads of teachers there, pretending they weren’t paying too much attention to what we all were doing.

Well, I met you at the dance, Anna, along with a few of my other friends. One of them, you proceeded to make fun of behind her back as soon as we arrived at the social. I said nothing.. I didn’t want you to become more distant if I said something. So. instead, I just played along with the friend you were making fun of. I made it seem like whatever she was doing to embarrass your poor 4th grade self image, wasn’t that big of a deal. Wanna know what she was doing? She was super excited about the dance, that she started running around the gymnasium, flapping her arms up and down and yelling, “I AM A BIRDY!!” That embarrassed you, but I thought it was hilarious (in a good way). So I laughed with her, not at her. I guess you didn’t like that very much. I guess you started to realize, in time, that I wasn’t your type of friend. So, the dance started. we all were having a good time, except for some reason, at some point during the dance, I started not to feel so well. It could have been the heat, because it was summer. It could have been, because I didn’t eat. Who knows. Maybe it was both. I was a kid that never experienced such faint, weakness in my body all of a sudden. (I would come to find out it was because I was dehydrated). I didn’t want to leave the dance, but the dehydration was getting to me so I went to sit down. You all came over to ask if I was okay, because I didn’t look to well. I told you I don’t know. So my friends asked if I wanted to go home. I said, “No.” , because I wanted to hang out with you, Anna, and everyone else. I figured I would suck it up and try to have fun. Ignore it. Well, that was dumb of me. The longer I stayed and tried. the worse I was feeling. Again, I stopped dancing around and walked away. I wasn’t looking for attention, (which is exactly what you thought I was trying to do). I walked away while you all were busy dancing. I walked over to the wall and blacked out for a second. Next thing I see when I open my eyes are you, Anna, and the other surrounding friends. You were all saying things to me. I can’t remember exactly what was all said, I just remember that you went from are you okay to not being there in my view at all. I decided to go get something to drink. It did help a bit, but I realized I couldn’t find you anywhere. I looked and looked, I couldn’t find you. I thought maybe you went home. I even asked your brother that I had a crush on (who was actually gay but he didn’t come out at the time) and he had no idea where you were either. So I looked more. I thought you sincerely left without saying bye and I was unsure why. Then finally, I saw you. You were walking around with one of our other friends, Nina. (And pay attention to that name, Nina. She will be coming back again with her own story). I went over to you and tapped you on the shoulder, you both turned around at the same time, before I could even get a word in, you both yelled, “LEAVE US ALONE!”, then you turned back around and walked away and stayed away. I was unsure as to what just happened. I was amazed. I had no words. I was confused. So, I let you both be. I went home after that, wondering what I did to cause them to be so angry with me. After that day, neither you nor Nina talked to me. Instead, you did something else.

Okay, let’s pause for a minute. I was 11 years old. Had something going on with me that I didn’t understand. Thought I would just suck it up, because I was with my friends doing something fun. Thought maybe I could get our “once upon a time” friendship back. I was FUCKING 11. I still believed in fairytales, you know. Maybe you didn’t, because as others will learn, you weren’t who you made yourself out to be to me. It was all fake. You were looking for a reason to dump me out, and you got it. Something so dumb, and you got it. You didn’t care that I was actually hurting, that something was going on that, YES I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF, but I did not. If anything was my fault, it was me damaging my own health to try to stick around a stupid dance to regain our closeness back. Funny..

So, a few days go by. You were purposely rubbing other friends of yours in my face. Doing the same things with them in school that you did with me when you were just pretending to be my friend. And you would make sure it was right in front of me, so it would hurt my feelings. Well, you win. It did. But that wasn’t enough for you. You had to do more to be a bitch right? How about the time I was in the bathroom. Washing my hands and you happened to come in. As soon as you saw me you started to taunt me. You acted like you were gonna faint and you said, “OooOOhhh. I’m gonna faint. I’m gonna die. Someone help me. I’m dying” After that, the rest of whatever you were making fun of me for was blocked out by how red and angry I was getting. I was blacking out with anger. I could no longer here you I was so upset. You couldn’t help but make fun of me when there was no teachers or staff around. The bathroom was perfect. You saw me go in there, you didn’t have to come in since you wanted me to stay away from you so badly. But at least I learned why you “all of a sudden” hated me. It was because you thought I was bringing attention to myself. Instead of talking with me about it, asking me about it, or even helping me, you walked away from me and left me wondering what the hell I did. You just had to walk into the bathroom when I did, you had your possy with you, laughing as you made me sound like an asshole. Laughed as you made fun of me. You were mad, because there was no more attention on you at the dance, there was attention to me, because I wasn’t well and decided to stay. WHICH YES WAS STUPID AND I SHOULDNT HAVE DONE IT. I am sorry that I did that. Truly. I should have went home. But again, me trying to rekindle what we had previously backfired on me and made me the bad guy. I know though, you were trying to end us a while ago, you just didn’t know how so you tried drifting. Anna, you should have just came to me and told me the truth. I would have got over it eventually and I’d have stopped trying so hard just to have it thrown in my face. NOT that you knew that’s why I kept staying at the dance, BUT you didn’t care to ask or try. It was time to let me go and you got what you wanted. I mean you could have left me alone after that like you told me to do for you, BUT no. That’s not who you are, Anna. Not at all.

Keep in mind people who are reading this. This was elementary and my FIRST best friend. THE FIRST person I got SUPER close with and she turned on me over something ridiculous. This probably sounds like a petty story of pity me, but it’s not. This is just the beginning. This was nothing compared to what lied ahead for me, because middle school was no safe place…