excessivebs

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HELLLLOOO SLUTS, thought daughters and the like

I have a BOYFRIENDDDDDDDD! YAY! Hehehehehehehehehe

He is the sweetest boy ever to cross the face of the planet, the sweetest to me. I find him soooooo adorable like I adore him gurl. He makes me happy ! He has the biggest heart eva. He is so weird I dig it. Muh bebe

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Instead of expressing my emotions I eat them BAM huge realization which came from losing my dog this morning being totes chill about it since ik he was down the street and then making it home feeling like I needed to comfort myself with food WHOA this is huge, like I’ll be if I keep this behavior up 😏

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I feel disturbed when a gal thinks I’m cool like I feel the energy and I’m likeee why. It’s like homie we r but evolved monkehs. Guys can fully faceplant with the notion, I find tHAT funny as fuck.

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Btw, the whole last post was meant to be written in a past tense p e r s p e c t i v e . I don’t actually have a crush on this random guy. LOL. I’m a dramatic woman, simple as that.

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HEY

updatesssss ^3^

I have a new crush ! Omg! What else could excessivebs possibly have to tell her dear readers besides her latest romantic endeavors. An endeavor, she (if you want to believe it ops sex) cannot voyage without fear of capsize of her vessel or the booty lifting from the pirates.

This crush lands me on the naughty list and it’s only March. It all went to shit when my bestie from another testie introduced me to her crush. I know. Like borrowing a sister’s shirt without asking. Like watching a movie on your own you had planned for months to watch with your buddy. He’s just so cute. And I felt this instant click! Or maybe I’m deluded, horny, and lonely.

Of course I have locked my feelings away, deep deep down into the little void in my soul (if we even have those, but let’s not get too existential) and have decided to never see him again and to ignore him. Because these feelings feel far from normal. I never crush on anyone after a first meeting. That’s just unhinged for my own emotional process, which could definitely be described as. But when it comes to love and war, I steep like a teabag in a witches cauldron. It’s gonna take a sec to dilute into anything that remotely tastes like mint tea (my go to atm). And by mint tea I mean feelings. But with this guy, it was like a big old glass of fresh, ice cold tea from one of those Texas grandmas that have mastered the craft of homey tears-to-the-eyes cookin.

I just feel differently. And it’s awful! But not too bad. I’m a big girl, I can totally toss feelings to the stars if I want. 😀.

Anyways my bestie means the world to me and I love her to death and would never want to hurt her feelings. And this is why I shall never think of him again😊😌🙂🫠

She must fall in love and marry him! Best case scenario. But idk he has some red flags which I expressed to him bc he should not like me.

Which is another thing. I’ve known him for the grand sum of 2 days and we just laugh at nothing tgt. LOL. Like guys, I’m avoiding this man as much as possible. Shrugging him off barely acknowledging his existence besides the accumulative hour solo car ride I had with him. My bestie was the one who suggested this to save gas 🥲🥲 so smart of her but I was super hesitant cuz, like I said, these feelings came in from the back of my eyeballs but have blinded my vision. Of course, I have self control and nothing moves me :D so all is well.

Yeah, I’m actually taking this a lot more chill than any of this seems. I am like too chill actually. Writing is the only outlet where I can totally ya without judgment! Or yapping to myself. This is hashtag proof I enjoy my own company. Yay!

Anyways he’s too tall that I have to crane my neck it hurts to look at him, he throws the same flirt around like a game of ping pong, he seems to have an impatient attitude at times, I know he has an ego but like he’s a man so?, he’s into drugs, he literally has like 100 playboys. Gurl wtf. Also he was about to tell on himself but stopped cuz obvs doesn’t want to look bad. I’m not stoning him in the courtyard, I’m just wielding my shield yall

Good day 🫡🫡🫡

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Maybe I’ve been biting my own booty by not tracking my mental on Wellbutrin especially since I fired my therapist during the honeymoon phase, so I am my only support system LMFAO

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Hiiii

I think I’m close to telling the guy I like that I like him. And when I do, I’ll come here to yap about it in my favorite scatter brain way. Anyways, he’s such a good boy honestly. In the most pure and untouched definition of the phrase.

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i should be writing an essay but instead im blogging asf rn like not even the horses could hold me back rn like

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crush criteria

justifying my crush with points that accumalte to crushable stats

+1 - observed that fact that i cannot lie

+2 - always offers jacket like wuddufuck

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HELLO

girl, the way i havent even been using this diary as a diary. what the eff!

hello and welcome my sexy readers to my pagew where i ramble on about literally nothing and everything for my attentive and well adjusted audience, for those who read my words shall inherent wisdom the elder cannot possess, youth a fleeting idea, while my youth is an elixer for who i shall become a spell of which i will share with you hunnis today!

college is not what i expected it to be! because I am not what I expected I would be like! growing up, i looked up to this young man in a book my mom read to us. he was low class, orphaned, and responbile for his mom all while mainitng his stydies, placed top of class and became a lawyer who could cuff ya. perhaps i crushed on him a little too, but forreal, i wanted to be him! i always envsioned being the student who students feared! maybe even holding place as teachers pet, but like a teacher pet to a robert williams in dead poets society archetype.

well this semester, i literally have just been omg all over the place! it started when i started skipping class to do homework for said class. that shit seems productive yet in reality is an omen of poor time mange=agement, her and i, gurl we are besties. i need to get diagnosed with adhd! i swear my patronus is a goldfish, the way o forget what im doing in like 3 secs. its very concerining, or its a cute personaolity trait to add onto my ditz allegations! if you wanna be fucking for real, it stems from childhood trauma! total tmi, but we are all honest here :D

i also struggle with procrastiona bc i have hisotrically proven to myseklf that i am capable of complerteing my assignemtns with a good grade night of! i can take more, thats my mantra. put me in a group socual situatuin however, more is asking too muc, i can offer a the first 3 digits of the pie but thats all youre getting from me.

i am quiet like a little teensy mouse uwu. but for real, i hate socializing in groups. i have not modded the script in and i dont want to so i appreacite the homies that literally just sit in silence with me. dont care if im boring, its just a vibe! like literally! im vibrating with social anxiety all the time!

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this is what it feels like to get so high and so crossed

it feels like taking a step off a curb without expecting it, but every step is like that. while trying to regain balance, you cannot depened on your line of dight, becuase you cannot see. what you can see is almost a projection of the thoughts in your mind, figments of what is infront of you, quick depictions of reality reframed into a snapshot and then collaged into a slideshow which is malufucantioning, jumping backward and forwards, the image fuzzy and unclear. inbetween each snapshot is the void of a blackhole which displays all the disconjointed fragments of reality into a swirling nonsencial mess. and then you have an astronaut helmet on your head, your friends are cheering fro you and you down a a shot from a ladel. youre so fucked lol. time is a scarf unweaving. you try to toll it back in but each time yo make some headway, your progress has come undo and youre left with a heap of yarn. everyone is looking at me as if i had said somethingw rong. the thing is, i cannot remember. i feel like the black hole is collasping in on itself, and its taking me with it. i am folding like you did for your rat boyfriend.

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crushed

i kind of like this guy...and i dont want to. my mind always jumps a year ahead when i have feelings for a person. i see us together, affectionate, happy! its just an idea but i get so swept up in it. i forgot how good it feels to like someone. its so fun. but i am insane when i like someone. i cannot contain myself around them, historically, and become so stupid. i become maldaptive in how i think baou them. i damn near hallucinate scenarios and react forgetting where im at. but theyre so vivid. i think i wwould be so good at loving someone. i think i want to show myself that. but that takes so much trust and understanding and compassion and acceptance of not only them but myself. i get ahead of myself too often. i think this guy is cute. he picks up on things about me even though im so quiet. the friend group were in, i come off as calm, shy, and reserved. im not really like this deep in my core. i am meant to be free from these restraints i put on myself. the sabotage i punish myself with. i am filled with regret too often. and i don't want to regret it. but i am afraid of regretting it because i cannot commit, because my idea is an idea only and reality might be disappointing. this is why expectation is such a fucking detriment. also comparison. i don't need to or want to be anyone other than myserlf. it is literally so pointless trying to be anything other than what i am. i am feeling playful with the idea of this guy. i think hes young and stupid but also caring and holds a big heart for what he cares about. i might be inticed by the idea the idea the idea. if i can get out of my head and see how i feel. and hoesntly how much o fthis is maniupated by drugs? when i get high i get so horny lmaoooo. no one

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I believe i can become the coherent writer i want to be. It will take a lot more self awareness and hard work than i currently am equipped to give

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When I'm high I feel in tune with the world around me. Suddenly, as if I had awoken from a deep slumber, I realize once again that I am a person. A human being. So simple, so full of endless thoughts, thoughts that consume my everyday wakefulness. Wakefulness, too. It applies to more than just a state of mental cognition. I am awake. I am not asleep. It is a presence. Some people have more presence than others. All people must choose where they want to channel their energy. Once they have chosen, they decide where they are zoned into. Someone who has neglected themselves, their emotions, the way they perceive the world- their opinionatedness- will be more self servant, they will go along like a sheep, thus their energy is inhibited and they become one of the many. One of the few is much more eye catching. Like an apple in the middle of a black and white newspaper. I feel happier when I am high. I feel like I know how to manage my thoughts better. ALl my other miniscule worries that have overtaken my sight, my horizon and effectively the space beyond that, have been taken away. For hours at a time I remember what it feels like to feel. I feel trapped either in the real world or here, the reality I have snuggled into once Im high, is like no other. I want to stay, and roast a marshmallow like my mom would; slowly, carefully, and with the intention to cause no harm. I have never felt this content in so long. I realize when I get high, I am so depressed. I am so empty lately. I feel nothing when sitting next to a person. I feel nothing when I am extended a hand to connect. I cannot connect, not genuinely. I am a shell of myself. I forgot myself. I forget everything

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Picked up my university’s satire paper today! You have a way with words .

I like the "Tumblr blogger".

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Tumblr save me!!!

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I want to thank someone but not god so lol whooooo