excusetheconfusion

[excusetheconfusion]

Hyper-independence.

That's my toxic trait.

"Ultra independence is a coping mechanism we develop when we've learned it's not safe to trust love or when we are terrified to lose ourselves in another."

Now, what I do when I identify a toxic trait is I keep asking myself why.

Why do I feel like I have to do this alone?

- I have been the only constant in my life.

Why don't I let other people be my constant?

- I feel like everything I have crossed paths with has faded away. It's easier to rely on myself than to hope for someone else to stay.

Why do you think they won't stay?

- My Dad was my first constant and he is gone, forever. He had his girlfriends who were around, but they didn't stay. I never stayed in a home for more than 6 years.

Why does that still bother you now?

- It doesn't bother me, it just makes me feel like only I can provide myself with the security I desire.

Why do you desire security?

- Growing up, although it was a very loving environment, it was incredibly unstable.

How does that effect your life now?

- Consistency. Routine. Schedules. I am a creature of habit and I do not like to break my routine.

Why does routine make you feel secure?

- I control my routine.

Why do you need to control it?

- It makes me feel safe. It makes me feel predictable.

Why do you want predictably?

- So much of my past life has been out of my control and has been unpredictable.

Why?

- Lack of control, lack of knowledge, lack of preparation, lack of strength.

Do you have that now?

- Yes.

Does it help?

- Yes.

Is it healthy?

- To an extent, yes. Routine makes me feel like I am moving forward.

The controlling part is where I need to adjust.

Why do you have to adjust that part?

- I need to learn to have trust in someone other than myself.

Why?

- It is healthy to trust.

Then why don't you do it more often?

- I am not confident in other people's choices.

Are you confident in your choices?

- More times than not.

Then why can't you share the weight if you know you won't be 100% in every single choice?

- Fear of not knowing.

[excusetheconfusion]

Today I was told, "I wish I was as strong as you".

Let me tell you, I don't feel very strong.

What is strength?

Strength comes in many different forms.

Strength is a mother working 3 jobs to support her child.

Strenth is the mom staying home to spend every minute with her kids to be sure she doesn't miss a moment.

Strength is the kid who grows up without parents and learns pure survival on their own.

Strength is the kid who grew up loved and nurtured for 18 years in the nuclear family, with the brick house and the dog who lived to be 17.

Strength is the girl who numbed herself with drugs and partying just to realize that the best high is being sober.

Strength is the girl who never touched dope a day in her life and found bliss in prayer and God.

What makes me strong?

I can tell you again, I don't feel strong.

I feel like I have toxic independence.

I feel like I have so much trauma from being on survival mode, that I don't know how to let my walls down.

Every relationship I've been in, I've been lied to.

The only true relationship I've had is with my best friend.

And maybe that's why all my relationships fail, I base them on how healthy my friendship is.

My friendship is transparent.

My friendship is pure.

My friendship is unconditional.

My friendship is supportive.

My friendship is based off of trust.

Every relationship I've been in, the trust has been broken.

It really starts to break you down.

It's hard to not have the 'why me' mentality.

Why am I not enough.

Why do I deserve this.

Why am I always the one who gets screwed over.

How is that strength?

I don't feel strong.

I feel alone.

I feel like I failed. Again.

I feel like I am too much.

I feel like a pretend person.

I preach positivity and recommend self help books.

I always say, right is right and wrong is wrong.

I'll be the first to tell someone a step by step on how to be alone and make it work.

But, I don't want to practice what I preach.

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to be strong.

I don't want to be independent.

I want to be weak sometimes.

I want to lean on someone.

I want to let go of the wheel.

I want to not be in control 100% of the time.

I want to relax.

I want to "chill out".

But I can't.

I can't be submissive.

I can't let go.

I can't let someone else be in control.

I want to be made to feel important while knowing I'm important.

I want to feel like I can be in control but I don't have to.

I'm so logical, that it ruins things.

I try to see things from every angle.

Which is good, but bad at the same time.

-oh you lied, well there must be a deep rooted reason for that.

-oh, you can't communicate properly, that's okay, it probably has something to do with your upbringing.

-you have toxic patterns, well that's because of past trauma.

When is it excuses and when is it being rational?

I don't feel strong.

I feel upset.

I wish I felt strong.

I feel confused.

How do you know you're making the right decision?

What if that little voice inside is quiet?

What if your mind is so loud that you can't hear it?

And what if when your mind goes quiet, that voice says you made the right choice.

And what if your mind quiets, and it says you were wrong.

Some decisions you can't redo.

Somethings are final.

And that's terrifying.

But what do you do?

What do you say?

What if you've read, and listened, and asked and prayed and it's still the same.

Or what if you didn't give it enough time.

Times like these, I wish I had a life handbook.

I wish I knew the right thing to do.

I wish I could know how the story ends.

I wish I could know what to do next.

But, I can't.

No one knows how I feel but me.

I can ask all the advice.

I can read all the books.

I can listen to all the podcasts.

I can pray every single night to God for the truth to be spoken into me.

But at the end of the day, it's my soul that knows the answer.

And hearing what your soul is speaking to you, sometimes it feels like the hardest thing to hear.

It's like explaining a sound to a deaf person.

A color to someone who is blind.

A touch to someone who has been paralyzed their whole life.

Being strong to me, is being weak.

Being strong is letting your heart get broken.

Being strong is giving too many chances.

[excusetheconfusion]

26 (2 weeks from 27) is a weird age.

You're learning, constantly learning.

You spend your whole life learning, but the twenty's seem to be the crash course.

Thankfully I screwed up enough in my teens that I haven't doomed by twenty's, but still lessons are being learned everyday.

Anytime I feel like I have a solid understanding, all the sudden I don't.

Something different I've done this last year is reach out.

From 17 until this past year I never asked for help. I did it completely on my own.

I took my own advice, I stretched myself so thin that I've almost broke, and I trapped myself in my mind.

This last year hasn't been like that.

I reached out and got on anxiety medication and embraced what I couldn't fix on my own.

I reached out when I needed a night away from being a parent and got a babysitter.

I reached out when I didn't feel 'okay'.

I started asking for advice and life experiences.

I stepped out my comfort zone.

I let my guard down.

I got myself in 100,000 dollars worth of debt and bought a home and took that jump.

I invested in my future.

I invested in my daughter.

I invested in myself.

Parenting is my first uncertainty. I'm constantly wondering if I'm doing the whole mom thing right. Do I spend enough time with my daughter?

Am I teaching her what's important in life?

Does she feel loved?

Does she know that I would do anything for her?

Does she feel confident?

Is she happy?

Will she look back on her childhood and be thankful?

Am I accidentally traumatizing her?

Will she have 'daddy' issue's?

Am I enough to play mom and dad?

Myself is another uncertainty.

Do I know who I am?

Am I lying to myself?

Am I true to myself?

Do I love myself?

Am I doing the right thing?

Am I giving life my best?

Is being spiritual the right thing or should I be religious?

Am I too objective?

Am I too emotional?

Impulsive?

Calm?

Do I tolerate too much?

Or not enough?

Am I patient?

How is my ego?

Is it justifiable to have a little bit of ego?

Do I exercise enough?

Do I love the way I look or am I controlled by societal views based off how a woman should look?

Do other people think I'm pretty?

Why do I still care about someone else's opinion?

What age will that go away?

Should it already be gone or does it stay with you for life?

Relationship uncertainty too.

Things will never be perfect, or is that an excuse you tell yourself?

Are the 50 year old relationships right when they say you just decide what you can tolerate and stick with it?

Are women really complex creatures and men are just simple minded?

Or is that an excuse?

Are you asking too much in a relationship?

What if you're not asking enough?

Are you blinded by love?

Infatuation vs love?

How many relationship books can you read?

Should you read them together?

You shouldn't change a person but is it fair to mold them?

You have that little voice and you listen to it, but what if you are misinterpreting that voice?

Is your vision clouded?

How do you know?

How do you know anything?

You don't know if you're making the right choice about anything until after the choice is made and you see the aftermath.

Is everything in life a test/lesson that you have to learn from?

Will certainty ever come?

Does anyone actually have clarity?

I've read, I've listened, I've written, I've prayed and nothing has a solid answer. Every answer is something you just have to assess and figure out.

Weigh the pros and cons and make your informed decision.

-you have the freedom of choice but you are not free from the consequence of your choices

[excusetheconfusion]

Something I always preach is that I crave is normalcy.

But recently, I've noticed that I don't appreciate it.

I love my routine.

I love my predictable job.

I love my boring life.

I love coming home, having dinner, and a bath so hot that I makes me lightheaded.

I love getting my kid in bed by eight and laying down to watch TV until I'm asleep by nine thirty.

I love waking up at four in the morning and snoozing my ten alarms until five.

I love drinking my iced coffee and sitting on the sink while I put on my make up.

I love it.

I love being boring.

I love being normal.

I love being predictable.

I love it so much, that I forget about the unpredictable parts of life.

And when the unpredictable happens, you lose the normalcy.

I forgot what it felt like to not feel normal.

The lack of peace.

The lack of sleep.

The lack of calm.

The lack of everything that you're used to.

Then there is the overabundance.

The overabundance of stress.

The overabundance of anger.

The overabundance of worry.

I haven't had my normalcy.

I haven't had my normal train of thoughts.

I haven't had my normal mindset.

It has been a roller-coaster, or better yet, a train wreck of emotions.

A complete dumpster fire.

An explosion in a shit factory.

Pure frustration.

Pure disgust.

Pure confusion.

And with the negative comes the positive.

Reminding yourself of the good.

The future good.

The present good.

The past good.

It comes in waves.

Then the waves subside.

You're in the quiet, and your thoughts eat you alive.

Even when you think you've had enough, there is more and more and more and more.

Punch after punch after punch into the emotional gut.

But, we as humans are so strange.

We find something to hold onto. We find hope.

We find faith.

Even when none of it makes sense, we find something.

Someone told me that there is a little voice inside of you and that you have to listen to it.

But sometimes, life is so loud that you can hear that voice.

And when you can't hear that voice, you have to find that feeling.

The thing about the feeling and the voice, is who knows if it is right.

I had a patient tell me that this is either a blessing from God or a lesson from the Devil.

Sometimes it is hard to know.

You just have to go with your intuition.

Sometimes our intuition is shit.

Sometimes it isn't.

And that is life.

We only know what's inside of us. We only know what we are holding onto.

-with my list of things I don't have an answer to, what I do know is that tonight, I feel normal. I feel that normalcy that I've missed so much.

All I've seemed to have wanted is to feel normal.

And tonight, I feel normal.

Are things normal?

Absolutely not.

But right now, in this moment I feel that normalcy.

It took me losing my normal to remember how much I need it.

I need that boring. I need that calm. I need that predictable. I need that peace of mind.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or next week, especially next year.

But I do know in this moment, I feel the normal.

And it is so nice.

[excusetheconfusion]

There are certain layers to a relationship.

You begin with the foundation.

The foundation is hands down the most important part.

When house shopping, I knew bad foundation = bad house.

A foundation is supposed to be level, solid, and strong.

You can't build a home without a foundation.

You can't.

You can park a trailer, you can pitch a tent, you can even pull up a shed...but you can't build a home without a foundation.

When you build your foundation, you can't rush it.

You don't want cracks, soft spots, you don't want an uneven foundation.

It's like playing Jango.

How high can you stack your blocks before they tip?

Not very high if you're stacking on an uneven surface.

It will tip over.

In a relationship, your foundation is trust, honesty, and respect.

If you don't have those three, you don't have anything.

You have to be able to trust.

You have to have respect for each other.

You have to have honesty and transparency.

You wouldn't bring a stray dog around your baby if you didn't trust them.

You wouldn't bring someone in your home that wasn't honest with you.

You wouldn't associate with someone who didn't respect you.

All is even more important in a relationship.

The person you are in a relationship with is supposed to be your life partner.

They are supposed to be your go to. The one to lift you up when you are feeling weak. The one to be the shoulder to cry on. The one to be stupid with. The one to gossip to. The one to vent to. The one to confide in.

Because you trust them.

Because you respect them.

Because you are honest with them.

You have your best friend in real life, but your partner is supposed to be your best friend too.

Your partner is your best friend, lover, team mate, cheerleader, supporter, truth teller, your inner voice.

You should be able to look at them and see home.

There shouldn't be another person that can fill that piece of you.

Aside from having a strong foundation, there are certain things you don't do.

You don't reach out to other people to vent.

You don't allow someone to enter your relationship.

You don't invite someone in.

You don't bash your partner.

You don't hide anything from your partner.

And then there are things that you always try to do.

Everyday try to make them fall in love with you.

Remind them of why you love them.

Fill them with good energy.

Build them up.

Love them unconditionally.

Love without conditions.

Always kiss them bye.

Always say I love you.

Always tell them the truth, even if it is uncomfortable.

Relationships are different for everyone, but what is the same is the foundation.

Without your foundation, you have nothing.

The bigger and stronger your foundation, the bigger and stronger your home.

The more love you can fill your home with.

The more honesty you can fill your home with.

The more respect you can fill your home with.

[excusetheconfusion]

I'm thankful to have had so many run-ins with bad people.

I never thought I'd really ever say that, but I am.

I'm thankful for all the bad that has happened to me.

I never thought I would say that either, but here I am.

Without all the bad, I'm not sure i would appreciate all the good.

Without all the insensitive, narcissistic, manipulative, and evil people...maybe I wouldn't see all the beautiful, caring, selfless, genuine people.

I started with bad people young.

At 16 I was in an abusive relationship with a true psychopath.

At 19 I was sucked in by a master manipulator.

At 22 I was surrounded by so much fake that I thought it was real.

At 24, I experienced true evil, rock bottom and I went through Hell.

At 17 my Dad was murdered and I was alone.

I was alone from 17-24. I only had myself.

I had people from a distance, but in reality it was just me.

I've experienced hunger, and being so poor that I couldn't afford food.

I've went without electricity, water, even freaking toilets.

I wondered when my next meal was going to come.

I've been without a car.

I've been without a home.

Some may call that as just me being trash, but I look at it as part of my story.

But, because of all that, I can see the light in every situation.

Because I've experienced evil, I can recognize it a mile away.

Because I went through such shit, I can see when the situation is starting to get shitty.

Those red flags stand out more because they've been thrown in my face already.

My air-conditioning is a luxury because I've been hot.

My heat is a blessing because I've slept in a 20 degree house.

My toilet flushing makes me happy because I've had to pee outside.

Even my shower working feels like a miracle because I remember having to fill up gallon jugs and bring them home and pour them on myself.

I've been depressed so I appreciate feeling happy.

When you've basically been through the ringer, you can do one of two things, be better or be bitter.

I was bitter for a bit, but then I got over myself.

I dusted off and got the f*ck up. I figured out what I needed to do.

I got tired of getting the shit beat out of me and I left that abusive relationship.

I got tired of living in a town, so I sold all my stuff and moved across the country.

I got kicked out of what I thought was my home so I found a place.

I didn't have enough money to afford everything so i worked 3 jobs.

I got tired of not being happy so I took the jump and moved back home to be with my family and chase what I wanted.

I wanted my own home, so I saved, sacrificed and I bought it.

I wanted something and I made it happen.

I'm grateful for everything I have. I'm even more grateful because I did it on my own.

No one in this world can say that I wouldn't be where I am and have what I have it if weren't for them.

Moral of the story, appreciate all the shitty parts because you will appreciate all the great parts even more.

You won't have the wool pulled over your eyes twice.

You won't walk the same path twice.

You will learn from your mistakes and not follow in the same steps as your past self.

I was so afraid to get into another relationship. I was so afraid that "love would make me blind".

I learned that it doesn't. I stayed aware, set my boundaries, and established what I will and will not tolerate. As with every relationship, you work at it every day. But I am not under some narcissistic spell, and I'm not being manipulated.

My friendships are true. My friendships are one of the most important thing to me. My friendships are honest and loving. They are genuine and true.

I have let my family back in my life because they support me and encourage me. They reminded me that I don't have to do things alone.

I know I'm doing a great job raising my daughter because I'm giving her everything I didn't have. I'm home with her every night. She gets basically everything she wants. She knows she is loved. She doesn't experience adult problems. She doesn't know about money, and she doesn't worry about where she will live.

I appreciate every aspect of my life because I know how bad it could be.

With that being said, I will not tolerate any more toxicity because I recognize it.

Certain behavior will not be accepted.

When a person isn't genuine to you, there isn't a reason for them to be involved in your life.

I will not associate with someone who isn't in my corner.

I will not sit with someone who doesn't respect me.

I will not stand where I am uncomfortable.

I won't feel guilty for only surrounding myself with truth and love.

I have already been through my storm, im not going to willingly walk through the mud after I've already made it out.

I wholeheartedly believe in karma. What goes around comes around. I can honestly say, I'm not afraid of my karma.

I try to do good.

I try to be light.

I try to love the best I can.

I'm honest.

I don't steal.

I don't lie.

I don't cheat.

I don't beg.

I don't play with people's minds and emotions.

I work hard.

I do my best.

I try.

Once you get served your shit sandwich, you learn to take big bites and never eat one again.

Once your veil has been lifted, you'll never be blind again.

When the fog clears, you can finally see your true reflection in the mirror.

[excusetheconfusion]

Obsession.

Recently, I've focused in on obsessing.

I'm also almost 6 months in on taking anxiety medication, which has been a game changer.

Now, I can walk into a room without thinking everyone hates me.

Now, I can lay in bed at night without thinking that my car will be repossessed (even though it is paid for).

Now, I can use a PTO day without thinking I'll be fired.

Now, I'm able to give it to God and really believe that what is meant to be will be.

And it's been great.

I still have days, everyone does...but my "meh" days, are normal, not detrimental.

I think my new issue to overcome is obsessing.

My anger towards my kid's sperm donor is rising. Every day without contact, (31 days by the way) makes me more and more disgusted.

I social media stalk, I reach out to people for information, and I know I'm just adding fuel to the fire.

I type long spiteful messages and right before I press send i erase them.

I share snarky posts directed at him.

And now, I'm to the point where I'm exhausting myself.

I want to let go and forget.

But at the same time I want him to hurt for all he hasn't done.

I believe in karma.

Everything comes full circle.

But part of me doesn't feel like it's enough.

I let the man who killed my Dad go.

I let the guy who beat the shit out of me go.

I forgave my mom for the years of neglect and trauma she caused me.

I let go of the crazy life I had to be a present mother to my daughter.

Why can't I let this go?

Why don't I want to let this go?

Is this the maternal thing inside of me?

Is the the whole, 'don't mess with the momma bear' thing?

Or is this just one last piece of my immaturity?

[excusetheconfusion]

A letter to my kid's Deadbeat Dad.

I am usually able to hold my tongue, but every six months or so I have to let it out.

Tonight is one of those times where I have to let it out.

To the Deadbeat that doesn't even know his kid's shoe size...

What picture have you painted of your life?

Poor me...a child taken by a malicious mother.

"She stole my child and restricts communication"

"You don't understand my struggle"

"She will hate you for this one day"

"You have single handedly destroyed a daughters relationship with her father"

All actual things my daughter's Deadbeat has told me.

You know, some of them are true, and I don't feel bad for it.

I saved my daughter from a life of "in and out", a life filled with drugs, inconsistency, and toxicity.

I am protecting my daughter from future pain.

I am her mother, her guardian, and it is my job to keep her safe.

I raise my sweet daughter on my income, and my income alone. There was a point in life for about 6 months out of her 6 year long life where her Deadbeat did help, and for that short period of time I am thankful.

Here is the thing though, if you set 4 acres of protected land on fire, but pour a water bottle out the fire beneath your feet, frankly it doesn't make a damn difference.

I am angry, but along with my anger is sadness for my daughter.

I had the best father.

He was my protector, I knew that he would save me from anything and everything. I felt safe with him.

That's something my daughter will never have.

Instead she will have me.

A woman fighting in a man's world. I have to work twice as hard to prove myself. I have to work and nurture. I have to sacrifice and provide. I have to coddle and be stern. I have to intimidate but be gentle.

I am Mom and Dad.

For that, I am pissed.

I am so mad that you get to live freely with the audacity to get another girl pregnant and abandon her and her baby too.

I am mad that you have the nerve to feel bad for yourself and make yourself out to be the victim.

Your struggle?

Fuck. Your. Struggle.

The anger inside of me hopes you are rotting on the inside knowing that you miss out on all the amazing things happening in my daughter's life. I hope you see other people's kid and realize that you are not there for your children. I hope when you are old and alone, that you wonder what your kids grew up to be like. If they are good people, or if they have some of your characteristics.

But the reality of it is, is that you're not capable of feeling those things. You haven't offered to buy a single uniform, or pay for a single gymnastics class. You haven't asked if she needs a new pair of shoes. You haven't even sent a damn birthday or Christmas present.

What size clothes does she wear? How many teeth has she lost? How much did the tooth fairy leave her? What size shoe is she? What's her favorite song? What's her favorite cartoon? What is she afraid of? What is her favorite video game? Did you even know she likes video games? Does she like sour candy or chocolate? Chocolate milk or juice? What does she order at Wendy's? Is it a burger or chicken nuggets? What is her favorite goddamn dipping sauce?

You had the nerve to call her on her birthday and cry and make her feel bad on her birthday.

You are not a Dad.

You don't deserve that title.

You don't get to teach her how to ride a bike.

You don't get to hug her back to sleep after she has a bad dream.

You don't know what her favorite color is.

You don't know what kind of dog she wants.

You don't know that she calls you her "old dad".

I didn't teach her that.

Belive it or not, I don't say a bad word about you to her.

She chooses to call you by your first name. She decided to call you her Old Dad.

She is not dumb.

She knows.

She knows who loves her.

She knows who is there.

When she draws pictures of her family, you aren't in it.

When we say our prayers at night, you aren't in them.

Secretly, I do pray for you. I pray for God to release my anger to you and for him to lead you to some sort of salvation.

You don't deserve my daughters unconditional love. Her love is innocent and kind. Her love doesn't judge and she is the most forgiving human. She is light in human form.

She is brilliant and beautiful.

But you'll never know that.

You'll never take her to her first father daughter dance.

You won't walk her down the isle at her wedding.

You won't watch her graduate.

You won't get to be a grandfather if she decides to have children.

You won't be there for the tears of the first break up.

You won't be there for the screams of joy from her first car.

I will though. I will always be there. There is nothing that could take me away from my daughter except for death itself, and even then, she will have my family to raise her, and my life insurance to help.

It sickens me how you can go months without talking to her.

My heart hurts when she stays with family for one night.

I can physically feel it inside of me that she is gone.

She is my heart and soul.

She is my reason for everything I do.

She is my push, she is my universe.

I am her protector.

I am her mother.

She may not understand it fully now, but one day she will.

She will see you for the loser you are and she will see the sacrifices I made to give her everything opportunity.

-sincerely, a pissed single Mother.

[excusetheconfusion]

My love language

My love language is words, not spoken but written.

A letter is the way to my soul, as cliché as that sounds.

Action speaks to me.

I would rather have a 100 words written to me than a million dollars.

I'm simple.

I don't need gifts, I don't need money, I just want words.

I want to be shown off.

I want recognition.

Social media can be toxic, but it feels good when someone can take that extra five minutes to show you off.

You can love someone so much but love them in the wrong language and they don't understand you.

[excusetheconfusion]

Day One

It's been a full twenty four hours and I have experienced a whirlwind of emotions.

I've been angry and sad, I've been confused and regretful. I'm not sure what my actual emotions are, honestly.

It's been a long time since I've felt this. Honestly, I've never really felt what this is.

This is different.

In the past, I was full of hate and anger. I was happy to escape because I felt trapped.

That's not what I feel right now.

I think this is what it is to have an adult relationship end, or pause, or whatever it is.

When two adults can actually agree that now isn't the right time.

It is even worse now I think.

Before I was so blinded by infatuation that I couldn't see what was going on around me until it was too late.

That's not what happened this time.

This time was different.

This time there was communication and attempts.

This time, there is still love and no hard feelings...just disappointment.

My chest hurts, it feels like literal heartbreak.

I listened to a podcast today and it said that we would rather have "familiar hurt than unfamiliar pain".

It is so true.

I would rather be in the repeat of the cycle knowing exactly how it will play out compared to this.

This is the unknown.

I don't know what I'll feel next.

I don't know what is normal to feel next.

I'd imagine it is like the stages of grief.

Did you know, that a break up does to your brain what a cocaine addition does?

You get addicted to a person. Your body literally craves them.

Also, did you know that there were studies done on individuals who recently went through a break up? The studies included showing them a picture of their ex and it actually showed functions in the part of the brain that shows physical pain.

Literal heart break.

That feeling in your chest is the flight or fight reaction, but you're standing still so everything expands. Your heart beats fast, your adrenaline releases, and your body doesn't know what to do.

Then it's anxiety.

Women are 60% more likely to experience physical pain after a break up.

There are different phases to a break up.

One of the phases, usually the first one is where you only remember the good. Your brain has a way of shutting out all the not so good memories.

One of the other phases is losing confidence. You tend to lose confidence because you base your confidence off your relationship, well when that relationship fails, you feel like your confidence is gone too.

I've never been codependent physically. As in needed money, shelter, etc from a person. But, you get used to the routine.

Wake up-morning phone call

Through out the day-snap chat, texting, gossiping

Night-dinner, movies, laying together

Repeat

Well, now that cycle is over.

Now you have to find a whole new way to spend your 24 hours.

No more plus one's to a wedding. No more double dates.

It sucks.

It really sucks.

But there is a saying that everyone knows...if you love someone, let them go.

A part to that, that most people don't want to tell themselves is that if you love someone, remember to love yourself more.

Sometimes, you have to love yourself so much that you have to walk away from something that you love.

50% of all couples who break up end up back together.

17% of them split up again.

15% actually stay together.

Who knows what the future holds, but for the alone time that is in-between now and then, there should be reflection.

Being alone is the time for you to learn who you are again.

Learn what makes you happy and what makes you sad.

Learn what your boundaries are and learn what your expectations are.

Learn what makes you tick.

Learn how to control yourself.

Learn what your definition of love is.

It's not easy, it never is.

Change is scary too.

But sometimes change is good.

Regardless of the outcome, you have to make the present count.

Not to waste the alone time you have.

Just in the last 24 hours, I've listened to hours of podcasts, I've googled so much about relationships and break ups.

I've cried, a lot.

I've sat in the hot tub and just drank water and tried to listen to my body.

I've zoned out.

I've vented.

I've made jokes and I've sulked.

I've reread messages that I know will make me sad.

I've looked at pictures that I know will upset me.

I've spent the last 24 hours feeling.

You have to feel before you can heal.

Healing doesn't come overnight.

The average time it takes to get over a relationship is 3 months.

And if you walk away in love, chances are you will probably always love that person.

They say though, to not think of that underlying love as a burden though. To think of it as a gift.

That is your humanity and passion.

That is you allowing yourself to feel and appreciate things for what they are or for what they were or for what they may end up being.

Life is weird.

We meet people and fall in love.

You almost never just walk into love, it's always falling.

One day it's fine and the next day you can't imagine life without that person. You're imagining the American dream.

Wedding, a house, that white fence around the yard.

And then it turns out that isn't the plan.

Part of looking at this like an adult is accepting all the emotions you're feeling. Letting yourself feel and grieve.

Letting yourself heal so you can be a better partner in the future.

Some of it is embarrassing because with today's time, everyone see the profile pictures change, the relationship status change, and the photos that you don't post together anymore.

But, most of the time, we only share the good. We show the highlights to the world, we don't want to show when we are unsuccessful.

This time, I was unsuccessful.

I wasn't able to make things work.

And that's okay.

As humans, we will not win every race.

But, you dust yourself off and try again.

Sometimes you run the same race until you do win, or until you realize that there are too many obstacles.

But you don't know until you try.

Maybe this is another chapter in the book that will continue on, or maybe this is the end and a whole new story will start.

Like I said, we can't predict the future and we won't know until it happens, or doesn't happen.

We are human. We have emotions and needs. We have our own struggles. Sometimes you can lean on the person next to you and work through it together and sometimes you have to step away.

There are no right and wrong choices when it comes to stuff like this.

If there were, then no one would be divorced, no one would be unfaithful, not one would ever be unhappy.

This is trial and error and that's just part of it.

You can't let yourself turn cold.

You have to keep loving and keep giving chances.

You have to try again, or you have to go on that next blind date.

You can't lose faith.

The universe has a strange way of making things work out.

Sometimes, God doesn't answer what you're praying for right know because he knows there is something better in store. Whether it be with someone else, or with the same person but just the better version of them.

Sometimes it's right person but wrong time.

And sometimes it's right time wrong person.

Just remembering that things will be okay. It's going to hurt, but that's part of the human experience. Without pain, we wouldn't recognize love.

[excusetheconfusion]

Sometimes I feel like my life is spiraling out of control.

I guess not so much my mind, but my emotions.

Today I have that heavy feeling.

I've been taking anxiety medication for almost 2 months now, and it has really helped...but in a sense it makes it harder when I do feel this way.

I've gotten used to not feeling that anxiousness, so when I do feel it, it is harder to get used to.

Today, I've cried.

Today, I've yelled.

Today, I've felt hopeless.

Today, I've felt out of control.

Today hasn't been easy.

Today I already feel like I've failed.

I'm angry and sad.

I'm upset and my heart is heavy.

It's hard to focus on breathing.

I have to remind myself to take deep breaths.

I have to remind myself that I'm okay, even if I don't feel okay.

I'm at work and for the first time in a while, I just want to step away and cry. I want to leave and go be alone. I don't want to converse with patients and ask them about their day.

Today I don't care about the conversation.

Today I don't want to fake smile and laugh.

Like I always try to mention, I know that it is a bad day, not a bad life...but it still isn't easy.

I wish I could just press a restart on everything and do things the right way.

I wish there was an instruction manual to just do life.

[excusetheconfusion]

Today I'm tired.

I'm not anxious, I'm not mad, I'm not depressed...I'm just tired.

I'm not just regular tired, I'm just exhausted. Keeping my eyes open is a chore. Interaction today has been overwhelming.

Sleep tonight will be healing for me.

My soul will rest and I will wake up tomorrow feeling ready to take on the day.

My dreams will be healing and I will peacefully sleep.

[excusetheconfusion]

I've been wanting to wait to share this, but I've been told that I hold secrets like water.

I guess it isn't really a secret, just something that I've haven't fully decided to share up until this point.

The last month or so, my anxiety has changed into anger.

My "everyone hates me" thoughts have turned into "it's easier to isolate myself so that I don't get upset or upset anyone".

My sense of impending doom has changed from irrational thoughts into "what damage will I cause today?".

I used to be able to burn sage, listen to some indie folk music, meditate, read a self help book and call it good.

Which has worked for almost 10 years, until now.

Now I have felt like I've hit a wall.

I've had an anger towards my friends and family for not being able to help me, even though my reaching out has been minimal.

I've been angry that no one has noticed that I haven't been okay.

At the same time, I realize it is no one's responsibility but my own.

So, earlier in the week I decided to go to the doctor and reach out.

I've went to therapists before and it's helped, but only temporarily.

I've always been in a sense against medication for myself because I felt like I could do it on my own.

But now, I've come to the point in my life where it is okay to not be able to do things alone.

I've tried every homeopathic remedy.

I've taken all the vitamins and used all the essential oils.

I've meditated and prayed.

I've read and have written.

I've vented and nothing seems to work.

I've caught myself leaning on my daughter a lot. Just wanting to sit with her and be around her innocence and pure joy to be around me.

Which I've also realized isn't the healthiest option.

My daughter stayed the weekend with some family and I felt empty without her. Not the normal empty a parent feels when their kid is gone, but a different kind.

I started taking medication for my anxiety.

And it's working.

Kind of.

I'm adjusting still but my "happy" is lasting. I'm not immediately getting angry. I'm able to rationalize.

I'm still in my isolation phase, but I'm confident that it will pass.

I'm excited to start this new journey of life with some help.

I'm glad that I have finally reached the point in my life where I can say that I'm not always okay, and that's okay.

There are so many people are anti depressants and anti anxiety medication and it helps them.

It helps them be a better person. It helps them be a better parent and partner. It helps them be a better friend.

It's okay.

I'm just reminding myself that it is okay.

You don't have to hate your life or want to commit suicide to be depressed.

I have a great life. I want to live a very long time. I've never wanted to hurt myself or hurt other people. I'm so thankful for what I have and what I'm going to achieve.

That's what makes things so weird.

How can I have it all but feel like I don't have anything?

It will be fine.

I will be fine.

It's just life.

And this is just a piece of my life that I wanted to share.

[excusetheconfusion]

I'm learning that anxiety/depression isn't always that paranoid/alone feeling. It isn't always thinking everyone hates you. It isn't always that feeling of perpetual doom.

Lately my anxiety has turned into rage. I have been angry. I've been angry at everyone.

I feel like nothing is really genuine.

I feel like everything said to me is a backhanded comment.

I've just been mad and no one has been able to help me out of it.

When you're anxious and feel sad, it feels like everyone is there willing to help you back up.

But when you're angry and isolate, no one wants to be around.

I've been isolating and can't explain it.

I find excuses but I'm not even sure if they are legit.

I flip out and go into a rage and push everyone away, then I'm sad when I'm alone.

It fucking sucks.

I feel like I'm the only one trying.

I feel like when I get mad, a switch flips in my head. I see red and I just become enraged.

It is so much easier to be sad anxious/depressed than it is to be angry anxious/depressed.

It is so hard to explain.

It is hard to find someone who can calm your fire instead of pouring gas on it.

It isn't anyone's responsibility but my own to control my emotions.

Although. I wish that someone understood. I wish that someone could just be there and listen and understand.

I wish that I didn't push everyone away.

I wish there was someone who understand where I come from.

Right now, I'm in the aftermath of an outburst and I feel terrible.

I feel sick to my stomach and disgusted. I feel stupid for crying because I'm alone, even though that's what I thought i wanted.

My head hurts, my heart hurts, and I'm emotionally drained.

I'm perfectly capable of fixing myself, I just need to figure out how. I wish though, that I didn't feel like I had to do it alone.

It feels like a never ending cycle, I get mad and want to be alone, then I'm alone and get so sad because I'm alone and don't want to be.

Some days I'm in control.

Some days, it's hard, tonight is one of the hard ones.

I'm not sure if there is a God, but tonight I'm going to pray to somebody/something.

I need guidance, I need to feel loved. I need to feel whole and I need to feel like I'm making the right choices.

Right now, I just need someone.

[excusetheconfusion]

gas·light

/ˈɡaslīt/

verb

gerund or present participle: gaslighting

manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.

em·pa·thy

/ˈempəTHē/

noun

the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

bound·a·ry

/ˈbound(ə)rē/

noun

plural noun: boundaries

a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.

[excusetheconfusion]

Love is weird.

With love comes so many other emotions.

I refer to my own emotions as a roller-coaster pretty often, but it seems like all aspects of my life are like a roller-coaster.

My love is a roller-coaster.

The high is so incredibly high, but then there are the drops. Even when there are drops though, you're still on the ride.

Sometime's it takes looking back on the "low" to see that you still want to be on the ride, in fact, you never want the ride to end.

Sometime's we have this idea of love that it is perfect. It isn't.

Love is unique to everyone.

I catch myself comparing my love to other people's love.

My love is not quiet.

My love is not peaceful.

My love is loud.

My love is intense.

My love doesn't just shrug it's shoulders and let everything run off it's back.

My love yells, and take things personally.

But at the end of the day, my love is just as real as anyone else's.

And shame on me for comparing loves.

I wouldn't trade my intense love for the world.

I laugh harder than I've ever laughed, and sometimes I yell louder than I've ever yelled.

I feel so much more than what I've ever felt, though.

I see further into the future than I've ever seen.

The phase "madly in love", brings a light to the individual words.

I'm thankful for my love and I would never trade it.

I don't want a quiet, calm love.

I want exactly what I have.

[excusetheconfusion]

Sunday's are my favorite days.

Sunday's are my days to plan to start fresh on Monday.

Today I'm planning to start my week off right.

Last week was a good week full of change and this week begins my new normal. With my new normal, I want to start my new routine.

Tomorrow starts my journey back to myself.

The last couple months I've fallen off the fitness train I was on, my eatting habits have slacked, and my emotional reactions have been awful.

Tomorrow, I will go to the gym and eat sensibly.

Tomorrow, I will be in control of my emotions.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I haven't been the best lately, I've been kind of shitty to be honest.

I've fallen into some toxic traits.

I haven't been praying as much.

Recently, I've made some big jumps and I'm waiting to hear if my jumps are going to result in a land or a trip and fall and get back up and try again.

Overall, my happiness is still fine. I'm not overwhelmed with joy like I was, but to me happiness is like a roller-coaster. There are ups and downs. It usually isn't a steady rise to the top.

My anxiety hasn't been overwhelming.

My anger and patience, or lack there of, has been though.

I've been on a short fuse lately and I think it is because I am not use to my peace being disturbed. But with change comes disruption of peace.

I have become so used to my routine that the slightest change in anything sets me off.

To a certain point it's okay but sometimes the way I react is unacceptable.

Right now I think I am chalking it up to me not being in healthy practices right now, leading to me reacting in unhealthy ways.

So today is my start to bettering myself and working on just being better.

This week I will be a better mother.

I will be a better friend.

I will be a better parent.

I will be a better worker.

I will be a better daughter.

I made an appointment to give blood this Thursday. It makes me feel better. I feel like I'm doing something good for the people around me.

As I mentioned, I have plans to work out this week and eat better and I think that will help.

Even if it doesn't help, it will be good for me.

This week I will pray more.

This week I will have more patience.

This week will be a good week.