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4/5/20 || hours later..

i changed my mind. im just solo vibing (:

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pt. 2

4/5/20

well at this point it’s been a couple hours since i last wrote what i felt and i figured maybe it would change over the next couple hours. sadly, i think i still feel the exact same way. at this point i think i have officially ruined it all. it’s nothing terrible really, which in a way, sorta sucks even more. the fact that no matter what i do, things will always be the same. i mean i can’t remember the last time i managed to get over these feelings. actually i do. but that took pure rejection and humiliation to get over. it was last year actually. freshman year, and it was quick and painless. however, this feels worse. much worse, like a desired candy i can’t grab. she’s my sweet, sugar-covered candy. i still have time to get over these feelings before they worsen and i can’t seem to figure out how to do besides getting rid of the person from my life completely. and the thing is, i’m not even sad or depressed. rather, i feel a sense of hopelessness and trapped. i can’t express how i really feel and that is the most aggravating part of this all. i want to call her and tell her, “forget what you have right now. let go of it all. come with me”. a 16 year old who is stuck in love with this other 16 year old. she really makes my days so much better than what i’d wish she did. her and i in a relationship has no positive ending. although i have never been in a relationship with her, i just seem to known what i’d be getting myself into. i feel i’d be more disappointed than excited. maybe it’s the negativity coming out in me. but then again, i feel like i’m totally right. knowing how she is outside of a relationship also frightens me. what if i were to get stubbornly jealous. i feel a bit of jealousy is fine. however, the whole “no, don’t talk to that person” is completely childish. she’s easy to get a long with in my opinion. that’s why it’s extremely frightening to me. i know how bad things can get in a relationship with her and therefore, i’d rather just let things go completely. but Jesus christ, every time i try to i just can’t seem to get myself over the hump. these stupid songs don’t seem to help me, because no matter how much i try to get over her, i just can’t because they remind me of her. songs are stupid for that lol. maybe if she was a bit worse from her personality then i’d finally be able to just move on! but the thing is, her personality is already so badass. i hate her ): 

“No crying in baseball”

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da vibes lol

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...her

4/4/20

i know this won’t be heard or seen. this is sort of a diary or journey for me. i am here typing this on my iMac, in my room. it’s strange how i am only 16 and feel in love. love is such a strange concept and idk how to truly handle this. is it wrong to be in love with the wrong person? i feel so broken. i don’t know how i can handle this. she’s everything i think i need. my happiness stems from her and from her only. i can’t make any moves about it or her. i feel bare. her sweet and smooth laughter warms and mellows me. why is she doing this to me? she knows that we belong together and yet, she doesn’t seem to change her life for us. i treat her like no other can and she’s blinded by her current life. i just cant seem to understand. why are you doing this to me lol. please. i just want you to be here with me and ignore everyone else in our life. in my mind, i’m with her everyday. is it normal to feel so alone based off just one person? one person can change one’s whole mood and perspective and life. that is violent. unhinged. everybody who is not her, in my current life is simply irrelevant for some reason. one person makes or breaks your day. she’s so gorgeous. her personality can literally light up a room. with her, i think i am myself. truly myself. “simp” lol? i can say so many things about her and it’s not right. this feels like a Romeo and Juliet story. this cannot happen. her and i cannot exist. if her and i existed, then the world would simply explode. she’s so far from me. so far, yet i feel her right next me. days when her and i don’t speak are the worst. why does there have to be days where her and i don’t speak. her delightful manner. she really gets me. 100% understands me. 

she’s a blessing and a curse. this unrequited, dramatic love. she doesn’t want me. maybe she does. i shouldn’t be so pessimistic. maybe she does want me and have some sort of blossomed feelings for me. she might want “us” to exist. but the issue is, i’ll never know. i can’t make any moves or “shoot my shot”. she’s fucking insane. WE’RE fucking insane. i am single. being single has been extremely great and so amazing lol. so why would i want to get into a relationship? they’re useless aren’t they? i feel as if us, human beings, shouldn’t need someone else to be the reason we are happy. i don’t need HER. I DONT. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD J. being single feels mountain high. yet, i’m literally valley low. if you read this you’re just waisting your time bro lol. but thanks for caring.

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