explicit-machiko

[explicit-machiko]

Its been so long since I have a deep relationship. Maybe its two or two half a year. I cant remember which years I have ended my-last-deep relationship.

You guys may doesnt know my whole story after my last deep relationship ended. Yes, I am stressfully fall down, I am drop to the lowest me, and actually really trauma with the boys. I once think "I dont hate boys, but I think I cannot have any relationship with one of them, or should I trying to love some girls and catch a feelings with them?" the question unanswered. I live my life with the stressfull mind, I try to rise and wake. I live my life with the trauma. Thinks that every boys and men are the same, thinks they are bastards and assholes that gonna break girls' heart. That personal stereotype stuck on my mind almost two years. I cannot get rid of that.

Two years of shit. I hate being myself at that time. I hate being me myself when boys said some sweet words to compliment me because they said they liked me. I absolutely didnt trust any words they have said.

Two years, I live my life with so much assholes. I didnt know how to risen up at that time. I live my worst until I turn 19, and decided to go to the bar. I motivated myself to try catch some feelings with the boys there. I got one. He said he liked me. We get along together, and have some fucks. He said he loved me and planted seed inside me. Oh my God, what the fuck I just did? Am I gonna fall to the same mistake? I took some pills and tell him to go, I said I dont wanna see him anymore. But he didnt really go, he said he love me. No, I didnt trust him and decided to left him with the shit.

I was so frustated. I didnt done my job well at the office. I didnt eat well. I didnt sleep tight. Thought I was never really forget about the trauma. People may think its easy to get away and forget about the shit, but it doesnt. Its never really easy. The shit is unforgettable. Why? May you guys wanna know why am I so stressed and couldnt get rid of the trauma?

At the first I said I have thru two years of trauma. Yea, its been two years since I have a good relationship with my ex, that made people so jealous and envy. We loved each other, we fucked each other, we did everything together. Until the day I got myself pregnant. That was two years of our relationship goes. So I told my boy not to panic and stay calm, then he took me some pills, and goddamn, I fucking aborted my pregnancy. I cry myself over that, the situation was so fucking sucks. My boy turned himself away. He turned being so temper and got easily angry to me. He blame me for every mistake we did together. We had a fight after two years of relationship, he left me alone at the room, the he go to the bar with his bros. I cry myself in bed until I fell asleep. Morning cames, my boy didnt get home yet, so I asked his bros where the fuck was he. Nobody knows. I tried not to fuck, so I went to the college and did some activities. By the night, he still didnt come to the flat we live. I was so curious, I ask his bros was he go to the bar again? Yes, he was. So I go to the bar to met him and got him back. But the actual was so fucking damn hurts. He was with my best friend, sit together, and I caught them kissed each other. That was really hurts, I decided to left after some slap on my boy and his bitch. And I really left the whole things about them.

So, what do you guys actually thinks? Is it easy to get away from the pain? No it's never really easy. The fucking wound doesnt suck me anymore, but its there, its never leave and gonna stay forever until I really found some medicine to make it better.

I passed two years of shit and realized, being mature and positive is the most important. I think positively towards God for always giving me strength thru that all shits. I thank God for every stressed, sadness, lowness, everything! God know I am strong enough to thru those hard time and He wanna make me stronger than the day before.

[explicit-machiko]

aku pernah jatuh, tidak sakit tapi hati berdebar memburu; ternyata aku jatuh cinta. aku juga pernah luka, hati bilur memar membiru, ternyata aku dilanda rindu.

Jayantie

[explicit-machiko]

i said i love roses, then u give one bouquet to me. i said i love the ocean, then u bring me to the beach. i said i love coffee, then you bought me one americano. i said i love u, then you gimme those things i’ve ever wanted. no, thats not a sign of i love you too words.

you want me to get hurt by ur rose’s thorns. you want me to get drown at the sea. you want me to taste the bitterness and sick of its caffeine.

you want me to die soon, so you can get out of me.

well said, honey.

[explicit-machiko]

i got my feelings so slow, melancholy, or even so gloomy (sometime) in the last few days, so i play some tracks from the 50-70, such as frank sinatra, billie holiday, and some of bill withers song. this one is the most favorite song of mine after my way by frank sinatra, ah, love from the bottom of my heart daddy, hope you well in heaven, will meet u there some day. i'll give you some of my favorite tracks then. hv a good day ahead!

[explicit-machiko]

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I hope that I don't have a single bit of talent left, and say, I used everything you gave me.

lana del rey

[explicit-machiko]

the morning come, the dawn left and the sun rises, its shine is too sharp, meet my eyes, coming through the window, but still your shine is brighter, and could be the brightest. the day goes by, the sun meet the end of the day, its shine, yeah, still shine, but not as bright as before, while your shine is getting brighter. the dark comes, we meet the night, there’s no sun, but moon, its shine by the sun. imagine, if there’s no sun to shine, so the moon is dead already, “our moon doesn’t shine anymore!” “why? cause there’s no sun to shine” that’s how the earth will end, dramatically. as dramatic as us, because honestly, you’re my sun to shine, you’re the reason i’m alive, you’re the one i wanna laid on, you’re the strength when i can’t stand, you’re the sun that shines my life.

(fuck these poems i made, i love you no matter what)

Jayantie, 8 May 2017

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boss up mane! they re so below they cant compete us they arent a comparison to us let em fuck with their shit and slip and we fuck the gold and glory

[explicit-machiko]

lower you

lower your gaze when you stare at me lower your tone when you talk to me keep ur head down, dont you know who u are talking to? oh you may forget, cause everybody know who i am, really hehe i just wanna talk to you, intimately, as a bestie, here it is, the words, you actually just a piece of shit you actually just a useless trash you actually had been thrown and abandoned by ur people hell yeah bitch, you are all nothing to the world

[explicit-machiko]

why the tittle of this tumblr was so confusing?

“things might getting worst, but you actually can laugh with it.” i dont wanna confuse y'all with the whole new me, and my new descprition tittle. i type these words with happiness in my whole body and bloods, while the worst thing can come to me anytime. so? what does that mean? i mean, when the worst isnt coming yet, we can be happy as fuck as we want. but when the worst is coming, we just can still be happy and feels so blessed as fuck, right? so, be happy with all the situation. sssttt, but u still can yelling the explicit words when the worst is coming with the happiness. yes you fucking asshole bitch, you dont deserve me, so just go! hell yeah, i’m the sexiest bitch you can’t get! hahaha that’s an example. have a bless day!

[explicit-machiko]

i laughed at your lost like its tickling me hard, you bad bitch.

[explicit-machiko]

get the fame

ay ay ay, i sense the jealousy on your eyes ay ay ay, i sense the shit talking about me from ur mouth ayyy, you finally get my notice then you try try try to be more than me, but u just can’t, yeah u? i know ur name would be worst and hit the bottom of the world u’re just can’t fit the places u pray for, but i’ve been there. really, for sure you paid all your friends to be ur bestie, but i just being me to get them to be mine you pray for the fame so you can climb the social ladders, but you finally fall and i laugh no, the fame isn’t yours, the fame doesn’t want you to be there. so just sit and watch, cause in the end you just regret and realize u’re nothing. do you need me to point the mirror to you, huh? do you need me to tell that the world is just more than fine without you? oh, tell me, that u already know. already know that stupid people like you just can’t fit beyond every point in this world. already know that i talked sarcastically to you cause bitch you dont deserve my politeness. (yeah, and i dont really talk to you) u still try try try to be more than me? why u still try try try? when u know all ur effort is nothing, cause the fame is already my thing.

Jayantie, 7 May 2017

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get ur shit

who’s that? who the fuck is she? does she had curve like mine? does she had the coke bottle like me? does she had the bigger tits than mine? does she had the super delicious pussy like mine? no, no, no, the answer is nope. she’ll never ever be a comparison to me, cause bitches you know i’m too hot, she can’t talk to me. yea all she have to do is shut her motherfucking mouth

so stop the shit talking, i let you do your thing, mind ur own business, oh yeah, you were doing ur thing and business, oh yeah, i knew that u were watching me while i walked the street then you get horny easily, wanna lick my tits and pussy, but u just can not oh yeah i knew that u were stalking me in the back, wanna know what i’m actually doing? hey yo, get ur shit, get ur fucking shit with ur’ bitches.

Jayantie, 7 May 2017

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"Why do you wanna put me through the pain?" aku tulis itu pada pesan singkat dan mengirimkannya ke ponselmu. Berjam-jam sudah kau tak membalas, geram diriku. Kemana harus kucari kau? Aku tahu, tapi tak ingin menganggap diriku tahu. Pura-pura saja tidak tahu, karena mengetahuinya sama saja dengan menusuk belati tepat pada hatiku sendiri. "Why do you wanna put me through the pain?" aku tulis pesan yang sama untuk kedua kalinya dan mengirimkannya lagi pada ponselmu. Tak kau balas lagi walau waktu sudah berlalu beberapa jam kemudian. Geram, tambah geram diriku. Kali ini airmata tak terbendung menganak sungai di pipi, aku benci ini. Aku benci kau. Tidak, tidak akan kukirimi kau pesan lagi. Sekarang waktunya aku pergi. Maka kulangkahkan kakiku ke luar rumah, berjalan terus ke arah selatan, tiada peduli dengan sekitar. Persetan dengan semuanya! Tak akan kuhentikan langkah hingga sampai pada tujuan, saat itu kakiku sudah berlumuran darah. Aku tidak peduli, hingga kuhentikan langkah pada suatu titik. Kutandai kau! Di sini ternyata dirimu! Dengan tangan kosong, aku gali tanah, hingga kutemukan dirimu berbaring di dalam liang lahat sendirian. Tak tega, maka aku melompat masuk dan menubruk jasadmu, mendekapmu dengan pelukan erat, memejamkan mata bersamamu tak ingin bangun kembali. Jadi, tak ada pesan yang tak terbalas lagi. 02:02 AM September 21, 2016

[explicit-machiko]

Kamu tidur lagi, memejamkan mata, tanpa menghiraukan aku. "Ayo, bangun!" aku bilang, dengan suara lantang agar kamu segera tergugah. Tidak, kau tetap tidur. Memangnya kamu tidak peduli denganku ya? Ah, sejak kapan kamu nyatakan kamu peduli denganku? Sedangkan aku ini bukan siapa-siapamu, tak pantas rasanya aku tuntut kamu untuk peduli denganku. Tak apa jika kamu tak hiraukan aku, tak apa jika kamu tak peduli denganku, aku tak apa. Tapi kamu jangan tidur lagi! "Ayo, bangun!" aku teriak lagi dengan lantang, tetapi kau tetap tidur. Aku lelah membangunkan kamu, sedangkan kamu asyik saja tertidur, maka aku beranjak dari kolong tempat tidur tempatmu berbaring. Tubuhku berpaling, berputar-putar di depan cermin. "Ah, betapa cantiknya gaun ini di tubuhku!" aku membayangkan pernikahan yang megah denganmu, aku hilang akal, aku ingin segera bersatu denganmu di atas altar. Aku bosan hanya mencoba gaun ini sendiri, jadi kamu juga harus mencoba pakaian pernikahanmu. Akan aku ambilkan dan aku kenakan di tubuhmu. "Voila! Terlihat sangat indah ketika kamu mengenakannya, tapi... matamu tetap terpejam." Baiklah, jika kamu tetap ingin tidur, maka aku baringkan tubuhmu di tempat tidur di sebelahku, tidak di kolong lagi. Nah, sekarang aku dan kamu sudah bersanding berdua sambil mengenakan pakaian pernikahan, tidak di atas altar tapi di tempat tidur, dengan matamu yang terus terpejam. Aku ingin membangunkanmu, tetapi tidak yakin kamu akan bangun. Hey, aku bingung saat menyalakan televisi, orang-orang sedang mencari aku dan kamu. Iya, polisi juga, semuanya. Ada apa ini? Sebelum mereka menemukan aku dan kamu di sini, lebih baik aku tidur denganmu, dan tidak bangun lagi. Maka kuraih gelas berisi anggur yang tadi kusajikan untukmu sebelum akhirnya kamu tidur dan terbaring di kolong tempat tidur. Kuteguk semua isinya yang tinggal setengah, lalu berbaring di sebelahmu. Sambil menunggu mataku terpejam sepertimu, aku rasakan panas menjalari seluruh tubuhku. Mulai dari tenggorokan, hingga ke perut, lalu berbalik ke kepala. Rasanya sakit, tapi aku yakin kamu juga merasakannya, jadi tak apa-apa. Kudekap tubuhmu, sambil mengatakan satu kalimat untuk terakhir kalinya: "Mari tidur dan jangan bangun lagi."

[explicit-machiko]

Pain

It's not an easy morning to wake up, but not easy to stay asleep too. Because you know you were dying inside. It's not an easy afternoon to stand alone, but not easy to stay in the crowd too. Because you know you were weak. It's not an easy evening to sit and relax, but not easy to remembering all the shits too. Because you know you were broken. It's not an easy life to live, it's not an easy way to go ahead, it's not an easy step to take, because you know you were the pain itself.

[explicit-machiko]

Sajak Mencari Bahagia

bahagia apa lagi yang kau cari? bahagia apa lagi yang kau tunggu? bahagia apa lagi yang kau tuntut?

bahagia yang bagaimana lagi? ketika derita tak pernah jamahi kau, ketika airmata tak pernah basahi kau, ketika sedihmu tak dapat lampaui ceriamu?

tak lihatkah kau? mereka di sana itu, di ujung jalan, tak bisa makan setiap hari, tak bisa mandi dua kali sehari, tak bisa dengar radio dan lihat tivi, tak bisa naik mobil hanya jalan kaki? tapi tak pernah kurang berbagi senyum.

lalu, bahagia apa lagi yang kau cari?

Jayantie Cikini, 7 September 2016 02:23 WIB

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Malaikat Maut

Tik. Tok. Pukul 7. Aku terbangun. Bangun dan bingung. Linglung dengan waktu. Mengapa tak membatu?

Membatu, satu-satu, tersapu.

Maka aku berbaring saja. Tidak berdaya, di tengah ketiadaan. Tidak percaya, di tengah keberadaan.

Menunggu aku akan ketiadaan. Menunggu aku akan kehampaan. Hingga jenuh, keruh isi kepala. Hingga datang kau, tuk renggut nyawaku.

Menuju ketiadaan, yang mutlak sungguh, tiada.

Jayantie 3 September 2016