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008: FRAGMENTED SELVES

This was a vent piece I made after therapy, that includes the host (me) in the center around all my other parts. I refer to my alters as parts, as they all are apart of one whole. A whole that didn’t get to experience much time being together as a unified identity. Some days, I am endearing towards my headmates, but other times I hold much resentment or anger.

“If I was normal, how would my life be now? Would it be different?”

I often find myself asking this in my head…

-Kayleigh

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Time to play the fun game of “is there a new part or am I just super dissociated?”

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i fear

. post canceled i forgot what i was gonna say,

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Something that always gets me when talking about parts is that while there can be nice, positive and safe interactions that make you feel good, it’s also..not really something that I would personally miss in the case that I was ever able to undergo fusion in the case that I am interested in that. I was supposed to be able to do that anyway. Connecting with myself is supposed to be a thing that people usually and routinely do, not just in those ephemeral moments where things feel like they’ll almost be okay until they aren’t. Those interactions are important, but I can’t see them as any more or less valuable based on the fact that I have a disorder that generally keeps me from feeling connected to myself.

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what people get wrong about systems

a system is not “multiple people in one body” it can feel like that sometimes, but it is fundamentally multiple fragmented identities that make up one whole person divided by dissociation and often amnesia. Simplifying plurality as “multiple people in one body” fundamentally misunderstands what a system even is and why it formed.

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DID sucks because in the morning you think "maybe I'm actually normal and I should stop overanalyzing my experiences and just enjoy life" and in the evening you get possessed by the ghost of yourself from 2018

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Bro no offense but... I think the way tumblr treats alters as completely separate people is part of the reason DID/OSDD is so misunderstood. It’s so focused on individuality between alters that you can give yourself such a massive switch headache trying to keep everyone separated. Co-con is a thing. Co-fronting is a thing. Overlap in personality traits /similar style between alters? Definitely a thing! It’s okay to be different but you don’t have to exaggerate who you are for the sake of standing out. Focus on the healing process, and be kind to yourself and your system. Thank you 🌻

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i dont think i will ever forgive what the internet did to DID because please explain to me how "your sense of self is so torn apart you think youre multiple people" turned into "youre actually multiple people"

do you understand what i mean? please understand what i mean

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Trying to have a conversation while dissociated

Friend: €€#*#*£<$$&]*~’€\]{}!,*\=]¥]

Me: Yeah

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I sacrifice one important memory per hour to the dissociative amnesia overlords

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Ah, the classic system experience of not wanting to be perceived but at the same time wishing that people were able to tell you apart and recognize who’s fronting but also that’s not even something you can do most of the time and also unmasking is scary as fuck but also damn wouldn’t it be cool to be treated as individuals sometimes with the acknowledgment that at the same time we’re all part of the same person and at the same time-

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DID sucks because in the morning you think "maybe I'm actually normal and I should stop overanalyzing my experiences and just enjoy life" and in the evening you get possessed by the ghost of yourself from 2018

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about a cofront today

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bodies should have crash logs. why the fuck did that just happen.

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Common things in DID that no one likes to talk about

- switches that feel like you’re turning into someone else rather than them taking control (non-possessive switching)

- being unable to recognize amnesia until something requires you to remember something you forgot

- staying in the front for weeks at a time

- being unable to communicate with alters internally (this is so common why does everyone act like this is weird?)

- feeling like you don’t have any problems because you feel disconnected from them

- constant denial

- rapid identity, label, and appearance changes

- comorbidities, particularly personality disorders, anxiety disorders, and the schizophrenia spectrum

- autism (there is science pointing towards autistic people being more susceptible to trauma)

- disliking your system

- wanting final fusion

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being a system is annoying sometimes because you'll be like "this doesn't matter now :) that's a problem that only past me has :)" and then past you shows up like

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The symbolic and creative features of our dissociated parts are overwhelmingly tied to the traumas we've survived. I didn't believe that at first, but the more I learn the more I think nothing is random about our internal view of ourselves or each other.