fangirl-nerd

[fangirl-nerd]

An apology

This is a message in reply to Geekygingerbread regarding the events that occurred the prior stream day. This is an apology for the tag and any people who were affected in those events. If you do not know of this, I suggest you simply scroll past. We do not need any more drama in this tag. 

I am here to apologize. I do not expect your forgiveness, what I did was wrong, and even I do not think I should forgive myself. I was - as you could guess - the horrible anon, who forced my jealous opinion onto you that day. I have been reading through all of your posts, and reading about what you say of me - and trust me, no one agrees with you more than me. I am writing you from my account - I have shame of what I did, yes, but I know this is the only way I can apologize. I would rather everyone know who I am than have the guilt of what I could have said. There will be people, who will do as I did, and force horrid words upon me, all of which I deserve, well and truly.

I suppose I should explain myself, and what I did that day. The previous day I had gotten a heavier than usual blow of bullying from school - people telling me I was worthless, untalented, stupid, annoying - all the things I suppose I said to you. I was feeling horrid, and that night, I remembered some of the horrors of my past. I didn’t have a great childhood. My family was good, and so were my friends, but there some men who did things to me I would rather not recount. Since then, everything dropped - my grades, my social interaction, you get the gist. I was admitted to hospitals several times with epilepsy, a medical problem, and had frequent seizures at school, leading to my current bullying situation. When the stream rolled down, I was going through some of the art posts for the Cryaotic tag. I saw your art, and clicking on it, it was all so beautiful. I know I didn’t say that, but it was. Such a unique art style - none I’d ever seen before. And suddenly - I was jealous. It seemed like everyone was so unique and special and just so brilliant, whereas I was simple. I wasn’ t pretty nor ugly, smart nor dumb, just plain. It wasn’t so horrible, I think now, but I lashed out. It quenched my jealously, albeit for short time, before I was suddenly experiencing a twisting feeling of guilt. I didn’t expect for me to actually write even more hate, but something just triggered me, and, I don’t know. There was actually one of those hate things that wasn’t me - someone else, but when I apologized, it wasn’t crocodile tears. I actually felt horrible. Even when I knew you would have left the fandom anyway, I still felt absolutely horrific. I had just made someones day miserable - something other people had been doing to me. 

I don’t deserve an apology. What I did was absolutely horrific. I didn’t sleep that night either. The next day, I was ready to cut again, when I realised that was the entire reason of this whole thing - I was a jealous, selfish little child, thinking only of myself. Imagine what it was for you - something that you loved  doing, that made you and other people happy, suddenly ripped down - by me. I honestly do not know what I can do with myself anymore - the knowledge I’ve made another human being miserable weighs heavily upon me. You may not believe me when I say I am sorry - maybe I’m saving my own skin - but I do want to say this to you sincerely. I’m sorry. 

I do not deserve to ask you anything after what I have done - whoever, I ask one request. Do not base other people in the tag on me. I am a sorry excuse for a fan. The Cry fandom is so much more than a bunch of jealous people. They are full of amazing artists - like you. I too, will be withdrawing myself from this fandom. I know what I say here may not affect you anyway, but I look at all those letters of support you received from fellow fans of not only Cry, but of you. I wish to be the last of these violent haters. 

This is not only a letter to Geekygingerbread, but to everyone out there.

I made a horrible mistake. I did not think before I acted - a flaw of mine. Before you type those words you must think. Must everyone know of your angry feelings? Must you share your hate with the world? I needed an outlet of pain, and while some people have art, or cooking, or music - I have not yet found this yet, so I resorted to the worst option possible - another human. 

Another human is not a canvas for your misery. Another human is simply a human - someone like you. 

I did not think, I did not remember, walking down the halls of school, where I was the canvas for other peoples horrors. I think only for myself, and not for others. I was selfish. I am willing to change this. What I did was a mistake, one that I wish no one else to do ever again. The cryaotic tag used to be a community, a family of helping hands, and now it seems more of a divided front, with people fighting with words, and rash decisions. 

Geeky, I do not wish to force any more of my opinions upon you, and if there is anything that I can do to at least ease the pain I’ve given you, please tell me. I don’t ask for your forgiveness. I still have to accept my own apology myself before I can get over what I did. 

This isn’t an apology to save my own skin. 

This is an apology to an amazing artist, who while some of us may not be contact with for a while, I hope will still continue her way. 

This isn’t an ask for help, or a call for attention.

This is a simple warning for any who wish to go down the path of which I have gone down.

I’m sorry. 

[fangirl-nerd]

i feel u katie

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[fangirl-nerd]

join the sink fandom guys we’re the cleanliest of them all

[fangirl-nerd]

[fangirl-nerd]

[fangirl-nerd]

Go big or go home 

[fangirl-nerd]

[fangirl-nerd]

Zinx, little sup and me.

<3

[fangirl-nerd]

[fangirl-nerd]

i found an image that accurately describes my drive and motivation in life

[fangirl-nerd]

When you poke someone and they think it was somebody else.

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[fangirl-nerd]

My dog turns three in one hour.

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[fangirl-nerd]

this is the only thing i care about. after the sun has collapsed and the universe has retracted into a singularity i hope this video continues to exist somewhere in paradox space.