fearsgrowingup

[fearsgrowingup]

Being a Young Adult

             “Did I tell you what happened in grade 10? I can’t believe I said that back then. I always thought you were so cool and super intelligent. If I could go back in time, I would’ve slapped my past self for playing along just for sake of fitting in. It is so ridiculous. How can they even judge someone based on those qualities? What’s wrong with enjoying learning? What’s wrong with doing well academically? I’m so pissed at what I did,” I tried to explain to the person on the other end of the phone.

             “Haha I know. This is the fifth time you apologized. I’ve forgave you a long time ago. Social pressure and standards can be quite scary sometimes, even if its just in a classroom setting. At least, you realize it is more important to act according to your own will and moral and less of trying to please others and fitting in,” she said in a calm tone.

             “It’s just kind of scary to think about and reflect upon… you’re too nice though. Anyways, have you decided what you want to do after graduating university? It’s been on my mind for quite a while now. I feel like the future is approaching me much faster than I had anticipated, pushing me to make decisions, which I’m certainly not ready for yet. I thought about giving myself some more time to sort things out. I still have so many things I want to give a try but haven’t had the chance to yet. Maybe, then I’ll know myself a little better. I’ll have a better grasp of what I enjoy doing and what I don’t, what I want to spend a large chunk of my time in life doing and what I don’t. But then, I worry if I give myself more time, I ‘m going to be behind compared to others, who knew what they wanted all along and didn’t have to spend additional time figuring things out. I worry that even if I give my self extra time, I still can’t figure anything out. I’m scared that whether or not I’m ready for it, the future still approaches me unstoppably, getting closer and closer to me everyday. I often stress myself thinking about it over and over again… But I guess eventually I will figure something out. Like what had happened with my other fears, I’ll overcome it one day. It’s just now, I still have to continue to struggle a bit…”

[fearsgrowingup]

Being a Teen

“…And I thought I was gonna die. Hahahaha. I was so gullible and such a drama queen back then. I ran home crying to my mom. My face was covered in snot and tear. I told her I love her and dad. I held onto her shirt like I was going to rip a hole through it and just cried my heart out. Hahaha. What was I thinking back then?” I said while making unnecessary body gestures, trying to do the best I can to entertain the girl sitting beside me. 

She laughed dryly, as she turned her head away, chit-chatting excitedly with the girl sitting behind her as if they could not sense my presence. I stared blankly at the pink pencil case on her desk, nodded and smiled from time to time, pretending to be a part of their conversation all along. I counted the number of pencils in her pencil case, and then moved on to pens, highlighter, or just anything I can lay my eyes on; it prevented the uncontrolled temptation of my upper and lower eyelids to make some any of close contact. The ear-piercing shriek made me wonder helplessly, “how can people even be entertained by such boring topics? Well, I can’t roll my eyes now. If I act like I’m part of their friend group, the rest of the class will think that I’m popular as well. At least no one will think that I’m a loner and have no friends.” 

“You know that girl over there? The one who is always sitting alone at the corner of the classroom. She’s such a nerd. Always carrying a book around. I heard the teacher asked her to be a part of the math contest this year again. I bet all she does is just study. Like, look at her fashion style. Haha, probably the worst I’ve ever seen. Don’t you think so too?” one of the girls said. 

My thoughts got interrupted by the sudden question thrown at me. I looked up and stared at her. “Ya. I guess? I mean ya totally.  I bet she doesn’t have many friends.” I responded sheepishly. The girl sitting beside me smiled. I guess she was satisfied by the answer I gave, but she quickly turned around again, smoothly picking up the conversation with the girl behind her, again as if I was never part of their conversation.

[fearsgrowingup]

Being a Child

Whoosh. I stared as the glass door slid open smoothly and magically. Suddenly, I felt a slight tug from my right hand. I shifted my gaze upwards in an attempt to search for the source that is pulling my body slightly forward. My gaze eventually focused on the warm smile of the women holding my hand, who shared the same hazel-coloured eye and naturally wavy hair as me. I followed her as she stepped into the store and made her way swiftly through the different aisles. I felt my legs glued to the floor, as I saw the word “candies” labelled in bright red on the direction sign

“Mom! Mom! What is that? That over there with the pink packaging.” I swung my mother’s arm back and forth excitedly and pointed at the pink disk-shaped object. 

“That? That’s something called bubble gum. It is very chewy and sweet. And you can make a bubble out of it if you blow on it hard enough,” my mother answered while patting my hair gently.

“A bubble? Wow, that’s so cool, mom! Can we get one? Please? Just one? I promise I won’t have too much of it and get a sweet tooth.” I asked as I held tried to pull my mother forward towards the direction of the thing called bubble gum.

“Yes, but only if you promise me to not ever swallow it. You can only chew on it and spit it out once it loses its flavour. If you swallow it, something terrible will happen, and even daddy can’t save you from it. Understand?” said mother suddenly changing the tone of her voice, as she kneeled down and looked at me in the eye.

“Yes. I promise…” sensing the seriousness of her words, I lifted my gaze which has been fixed on the pink package for the last minute and looked at mother.

-

“Look! Look at what I got! Do you guys know what this is? It's called bubble gum! You can make a bubble out of it. But you can never ever swallow it, or then something really scary is going to happen!” I said in a bright tone, holding the pink package up in my right hand. 

“I want a piece!” “Me too!” “Can you share it with us?” my friends said one after another.

The idea of “sharing is caring” was successfully implanted into my head by my mother. I happily split the Bubble Tape into few equal pieces and threw the last piece eagerly into my mouth. The sweet scent of strawberry quickly took over my tastebuds. I chewed and chewed, trying to get every last bit of flavour left in the small piece of bubble gum. As time ticked away, my brain slowly shifted its focus away from the strawberry-scented intruder in my mouth, chewing on it mechanically.

 “Tag! You’re it! No-tag back!” my body swung forward uncontrollably as a result of the sudden force on my back. Before I could react to the unexpected surprise, gulp. I felt the whole world around me had stopped in motion. My tongue frantically moved in my mouth, checking every little crack for the little piece of gum that is nowhere in sight. In disbelief, I slowly slid down. I thrust my finger into my throat, trying to cough out the gum I swallowed by accident. I felt the time slowly ticking away, 1 second, 2 seconds, 30 seconds… 1minute. When I realized the desperate truth, droplets of tear rolled down my cheeks, one followed by another. My body froze and turned colder as I let an unbearable amount of fear engulf me, bit by bit, piece by piece.