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MY TOBIKKO STORY ❤
Alright so we all have our stories, and today I want to share mine. I'm actually just a recent JUMP fan. I started listening to them back in 2015 when I was a college student cause we have a Foreign Language unit on my degree, so it turned out to be Japanese and I want to improve more by listening to JPOP. Fast forward, I didn't stay as an avid fan in 2016 cause I was busy adjusting on my first job ever. A few days as a new employee, my close cousin died. He was just 24 and as a family, we were so close. It was so sudden, we all fought grief even if it's the most painful thing to do. But on the other hand, I liked the job. I liked my boss, my co-workers. But after several months, many changes happened and I didn't fit in anymore. I felt like I don't want to do it anymore. It came to the point where my job lead me to depression. Because nobody understands that I don't want to do it anymore. That I want to leave already. But my family won't allow me and they kept telling me it's always like this on first jobs. Anyway, depression attacks and attacks, I started crying every night. I started cutting again. I got so depressed that there are times when crossing the road, I don't even look for cars. If a car hits me, I'd be more thankful. It came to the point where I don't care anymore even if I die. Cause I felt like it's better to die than to feel nothing. My college friends seem happy with their jobs whilst I was there forgetting was happy feels like. One time, in December 2016, I told my boss that I'm "sick" and couldn't go to work. I left our house, pretending to go to work and did you know where I went ? I went to the cemetery and cried in front of my cousin's grave. I wonder what he would tell me. Cause nobody would believe that I'm tired already. If he was alive, I knew he'd believe me and would certainly give some realistic advice. I know he's like that. That's why I came there to tell him everything. That I'm tired, I cut myself, I don't want to live anymore and that God could have taken the useless me instead of him, who was a kind, responsible and smart architect. So I stayed there until night time and went home. A few weeks later, I found my guts and left work. I started studying JAPANESE in a language school and at the same time, I looked for a part time job. By this point, I realized that I actually want to be an interpreter. But the problem is, I don't have enough money anymore, Japanese classes are expensive and I can't find a job. I realized it's much harder to find a part time job than a full time one. Depression attacks again and my parents are already pressuring me to get a job. I have no one to talk to, no one to cry to. Here we go again, I cut myself, I don't look at the roads. I don't care. Hit me with your car, I don't care. Just kill me already. And so in the midst of that time, I don't remember how or when exactly but early 2017, I started saving JUMP pictures on my phone again, just like in 2015. I thought "I miss them" They didn't really change that much after a few years. I started watching ITAJAN. If you only know how that would make me feel better every freaking time I fail my interviews. I felt like JUMP is going to be there, even if I fail this or that. Cause even if cry in the morning, I can watch JUMP in the evening and they would make me feel better. Suddenly, I realized that when I came to the point of not wanting to support my own life, I was brought to dedicate myself to support other peoples' lives. I love the irony. My life was still the same, I was till studying and looking for a job but the thing is, I started looking at the roads again. I cared for my life again. I started to value this idiot me again. Even if I fail, it's going to be okay. There's still tomorrow, it'll still shine. That's what their songs taught me. I need a laugh, I need to be happy again. Life really is complicated so let's make the most of it. That's what their shows taught me. I can do this. Everything is a process, I'll struggle but I know I can make it in the end. That's what their smiles taught me. And so, I remember attending a final interview one day. I actually have 2 final interviews at the same time that day so I only had to choose one. After the interview, I felt like crying cause maybe I didn't pass. No. I thought I didn't pass. I felt like I failed. Like maybe I should have chosen the other interview. REGRETS. TEARS. SADNESS. That's what I felt while waiting at the lobby of the office. I opened twitter while stopping my tears from falling, cause I definitely thought that I failed. I'm just waiting for them to tell me to go home. On twitter, I read Inoo's newly updated jumpaper. Damn he made me smile in the midst of my tears. "It's going to be okay" I thought. Then someone called my name and I was informed that I got the job. OH MY VKEJDDHWKWODK! I couldn't believe it. No way, I thought. And so... that's it. I still have that job and so far, I'm happy. How about you? What's your tobikko story ?
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I feel like I'm being protected
By someone I don't even know
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What are dreams ?
What do I do Where do I go I want to become an interpreter. Seriously. I'm already studying my third language. But all of a sudden, my aunt invites to another country I didn't dream myself staying at. I understand the pressure for my family. But please understand my dreams and happiness as well. I can't please everybody at the same time. I don't even try to please myself. But for this one life I have, just let me accomplish my own dreams, my own career. No need to tell me what to do, where to go.
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I FELL IN LOVE with YOU ON 10th of MAY
I’ll never forget it. I’ll never forget you even if you can never be mine in this life. I fell in love with your personality, with your hobbies and with your flaws.
That’s why I don’t know how to unlove you since I fell for you when you were at your worst.
I can’t unlove you, cause I don’t know how.
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Falling in love with you is the most beautiful pain I have ever experienced
This world is painful
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Day 6/10 Tumblr Challenge
Day 6: 5 People who mean a lot
Yay! I get to do this again, seems like I forgot so I’m not entirely consistent on this challenge. But here we go.
1. My Parents. -Nothing beats the love and support they give me everyday. I’m forever grateful for them. And I’m so sorry if I’m hard to love.
2. My cousins. -Having no siblings would mean I get to make my cousins as my siblings. I always get all the fun from them, I can be myself when I’m with them, it’s never awkward even if some of us don’t get to see each other’s faces everyday.
3. JJ -To my unrequited love who broke my heart. I know you matter a lot to me, I know you made me proud of my own capabilities and I am proud of that. Thank you and I will never forget you even if I try to.
4. To my online friends, you have always been there for me to make me laugh when I’m all alone. I made a team with some of you, editing and fixing mangas while laughing and playing online games against one another. I made a family with some of you, being in one fandom, you guys are so generous, we don’t see each other physically but you guys make me laugh so much and I feel like I’ve known you all my life.
5. AD -You, you don’t know me and you probably never will. We have different worlds and I understand that. But you are the number one person on my list who I’d like to invite to go stargazing. I read you like stargazing too. I’m in love with the stars. I witnessed my first meteor shower when I was fifteen, I got up at 3 in the morning, nobody else was with me, but to be able to see shooting stars even when I’m alone really made me happy. I hope I can be right next to you on the next meteor shower that I’ll see. When the time comes, I will invite you to go stargazing. Even if it’s only for once, I hope you’ll say yes!
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Day 5/10 Tumblr Challenge
Day 5: 6 things you wish you'd never done 1. Confess. I never thought this would be the first thing on my mind. But I got heartbroken real bad and I began to be afraid that I didn't feel like confessing to anyone anymore. 2. Played around at the university hallway at night. This isn't something that I fully regret, in fact I somehow find the whole situation refreshing and youthful. But a part of me was traumatized while I was being threatened by the person who caught me and my friends, I was trying to keep a good moral record in univ to retain my scholarship and I thought I was gonna lose it that night. 3. Not giving that somebody a chance. If there's one thing I'd regret not doing, it's this one. I can't turn back time now but I didn't feel any chemistry between us anyway. We would have not lasted that long however, I was just a weakling who kept turning you down cause I was not prepared for my own feelings. I feel bad, I know I apologized before but I'm still sorry. 4. Being friends with... If they can backstab your other friends in front of you, they can also backstab you in front of others. The moment you told me bad things about our other friend just cause you both were fighting, I saw the real you and I was disappointed I became friends with someone like you. We were friends for years but I don't know you got to say those thing to me. 5. Committing myself to other useless stuffs. Okay, so I can't honestly think of anything else I wish I never did. Maybe I regret having a movie marathon instead of studying for finals back in univ days ? Or maybe not ? Cause I'm always attracted at the wrong time that's why I tend to do that. And when I do that, I ended up sleeping at what again ? 4 am ? I'm not proud but geez, atleast I passed those exams. 6. Not confessing. I know what you're thinking, I said back in number 1 that I'm afraid of confessing and now this ? So basically, it's for a diffetent person. I love this person but I know I'm gonna be instantly turned down that's why I never did it. But, I'm just putting this cause I'd like to wonder what would have happened if I did confess, oh I know, I'll go back to number 1.
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Day 4/10 Tumblr Challenge
Day 4: 7 things that cross your mind a lot 1. The stars, I love the stars and I'm always curious about them. 3. My future, I think about my future a lot. I'm worried about my plans though I actually want to take it easy all the time. 4. What other people on the other side of the world is doing, are other people having a bad day or they are having the best day of their life ? It's interesting how emotions are being conveyed in different aspects in different timezones. 5. What tomorrow will bring, I'm just as curious as everyone else. 6. I always have random what-ifs. So many I lost count everyday. I'm seriously curious about a lot of things. 7. You. You cross my mind a lot. What are you doing now ? Are you smiling ? Crying ? Sad ? Happy ? I'm not entirely sure, but you can just tell me everything once we meet okay ? I'm here to listen, as always.
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DAY 3/10 Tumblr Challenge
Day 3: 8 Ways to win my heart
1. Take me to a concert. -Whether it be a JUMP concert or a OOR concert or Yiruma or any orchestral concert, you’ll instantly win my heart.
2. Let’s cook together ! -I’m not particularly good at cooking, so doing it together would be nice ❤
3. Take me stargazing -Probably on a beach or some high rooftop. I don’t care where as along as we can feel breezy wind, stare at the sky for a long time and talk about life or share senseless jokes.
4. Travel to a remote but beautiful area. -Not at a place where there are loads of tourists, I love places we can define as “hidden paradise”.
5. Deliver me some blueberries ! -They are my favorite fruit ! We don’t have it a lot in my city so surprise me on my door holding some blueberries !
6. Visit me home just to watch a Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings marathon ! -Literally that, no other details.
7. Take me to an amusement park ! -I love amusement parks ! Simply knocking on my door and inviting me out will make my heart flutter so much.
8. Be kind hearted ! This is the most important thing ! I’ll fall for you the most once I see how generous and kind hearted you are.
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