femcelbarriere
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sure mom we can ignore the elephant in the room That’s usually how this starts anyways .
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i’m abt to end my life over having to leave people who couldnt care less if i was gone Lol .
#obviously there are other reasons like . Being violated .#and being trapped in that moment every time someone touches us#and . um#and losing all our memories because we can’t think about anything else#and umm .
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i’m abt to end my life over having to leave people who couldnt care less if i was gone Lol .
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sent my mom a paragraph about how she can talk to me anytime about how she feels like i’m the adult
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taking a walk like i don’t have If i take a walk i will be bedridden for a week disease . Tch
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I thought it was salvation.
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man i love being andrew . Okay we switched back but what the FUCK did i do last night . i sure as hell didn’t do my lines
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i try not to think abt being a system too much because thinking about who i am rn makes my head hurt in seconds …
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my new coping mechanism is gonna be convincing myself i wasn’t actually sa’d i was just being Loved on ❤️ And prayed for ❤️ By the all beloved man of god H****y F*******e ❤️ Because i am very easy to love ❤️ And that’s why so many people like me ❤️ And that him giving me his love and praying is why i am so fortunate today ❤️
#maybe if i repeat this to myself it’ll become true . Actually it is true#I’m not a victim of anything i’m just . Aha . blessed#This also explains why i got my first shower at his house while he watched ❤️
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am i being drugged ??
#is this just paranoia is this just cfs acting up what’s going on#i really don’t wanna be drugged with sleep stuff again i don’t think my mindcould handle that
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she takes everything serious until it’s time to actually be serious i’m so done
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ur in the seventh grade . ur in advanced english and you don’t have any learning disabilities . me making fun of your grammar is nowhere near bad as you making fun of the speech impediment i told you i have because im autistic and traumatized
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WHEN IM BENT OVER WISHING IT WAS OVER MAKING A VARIETY OF VOWS ILL NEVER KEEP I TRY TO REMEMBER THE WRATH OF THE DEVIL WAS ALSO GIVEN HIM BY GOD
#this line means a lot to me but in a everything in the line is really literal way#especially the last part ..
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maybe this is what i deserve . not like i did anything to stop him
oh i’m disgusting
#Not like i said no . Not like i showed him i was awake . Maybe if he knew he would’ve stopped#Maybe if i . Maybe if i told my mom maybe if i elbowed him like i was taught#Maybe if i hadn’t drank that fuckih gogurt maybe if i hadn’t left the door open all inviting maybe if i had#kept my blanket on tight maybe if i had asked sonnie to share the bed he wouldn’t have#Maybe if i started screaming when i woke up to being held down and the bed creaking#Maybe if i hadn’t gone back again and again and again and again and again and been a llaything for him#Maybe if i had been scared of her mom too because she knew exactly what he was doing and she literally just let it all happen#Maybe if i had . Maybe if i had .#Maybe . maybe#Maybe if i wasn’t such a fucking freak#I knew that there were boys in my grade who liked me i knew there were like 5 i shouldn’t have been so promiscuous#But at the same time i was 5 . But at the same time thats old enough to know better#Maybe if i stopped going over maybe if i had just gone into the deep end in the pool one day while no one was looking#That way i would’ve died and and and and and maybe i would’ve died pure#I wish he would’ve killed me man i really do . I wish he would’ve suffocated me with a pillow .
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Man i have the survival instincts of a tree . i was overdosing and a little scared (like i hadn’t planned this 4 months in advance) and it didn’t occur to me to … call for help ?? puke ?? no instead i walked over to my bathroom took a long look at my toilet and phone next to the counter and took the other 6 pills for good measure
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