femmemusings

[femmemusings]

Honeysuckle once grew along our fence. Its aroma lingered in the hot, wet July air.
I remember laying on my back in the grass, desperate to inhale its sweet scent. The kind of sweet that warms you. Fills you up. As if you were inhaling the sun. How was I to know that ten years later I would be laying on my back in her bed?
How was I to know that she would turn and ask me what my favorite scent was?
The answer hangs in my throat like fog on a cold autumn morning.
I can see it. The answer. 
I am laying on my back in the grass and she is beside me. 
Her scent hangs in the warm air.
It covers me, pulls me in like a riptide.
I am laying on my back, desperate.

[femmemusings]

We are safe in the hazy morning light. I am far away from you, but we are both tucked into our beds. The blue glow of my phone screen isn't as warm as your presence, but we are safe. In the hazy morning light. We are safe to dream and hope. The only limitation is what our fingers will type and if the sun will rise any faster today. It beckons us to go out. It pulls us from the comfort of soft blue lights shining on anxious faces. It pulls us from the world that we create with each hopeful character sent about the future. The hazy light isn't hazy anymore. It is bright. My responsibilities knock at the door. The blue light is extinguished by a burning call to begin the day. I must wait. Run wildly through this burning light until I may bask in the comfort of our hopefulness again.

[femmemusings]

I keep trying to define love and my love for you, but it is impossible. You are the first person to make love both so complex I cannot fathom yet so simplistic that all I must say is "you" and the feeling is there

- 11:35 p.m.

[femmemusings]

I am out of words to show my love for you. How do I tell you that the sun doesn't shine as bright when I don't wake up next to you? And why does your laugh make my heart feel whole again? And when will I stop feeling butterflies when you kiss me? And what word is good enough to describe the way our souls are intertwined with one another?

is it okay to say I'm in love with you?

[femmemusings]

The universe came into existence in a single moment. Everything we have or ever will know has followed that instance. I used to think this was impossible. Then I saw you. And my universe was you. From the second I laid eyes on you. Everything that I ever have or ever will know followed that instance.

to my love who is my sun, my moon, & all of my stars

[femmemusings]

Loss is quiet. It finds you when you least expect it. It finds you when a stranger is wearing the same perfume. It finds you when that one song comes on the radio. It finds you when the good morning text isn't there anymore. But I chased it. I chased it 168 miles away.

no distance is far enough to make this hole in my chest any smaller

[femmemusings]

I am the happiest man alive. I have that in me that can convert poverty to riches, adversity to prosperity, and I am more invulnerable than Achilles; Fortune hath not one place to hit me.

Thomas Browne

[femmemusings]

The great source of both the misery and disorders of human life, seems to arise from over-rating the difference between one permanent situation and another. Avarice over-rates the difference between poverty and riches: ambition, that between a private and a public station: vain-glory, that between obscurity and extensive reputation. The person under the influence of any of those extravagant passions, is not only miserable in his actual situation, but is often disposed to disturb the peace of society, in order to arrive at that which he so foolishly admires. The slightest observation, however, might satisfy him, that, in all the ordinary situations of human life, a well-disposed mind may be equally calm, equally cheerful, and equally contented. Some of those situations may, no doubt, deserve to be preferred to others: but none of them can deserve to be pursued with that passionate ardor which drives us to violate the rules either of prudence or of justice; or to corrupt the future tranquillity of our minds, either by shame from the remembrance of our own folly, or by remorse from the horror of our own injustice.

Adam Smith, The Theory of Moral Sentiments

[femmemusings]

You aren't here anymore, but I still sleep on my side of the bed.

I hope you find your way back.

[femmemusings]

Farewell till then: I will go lose myself.

The Comedy of Errors, Shakespeare

[femmemusings]

Three days without you. No, that isn't a long time, but I have experienced every single second of these 72 hours with an ache in my chest. Time is slower. I miss everything. I miss looking forward to the early morning hours when you slip out your back door and into my passenger seat. I miss your scent filling my car. I miss quietly shutting your car door. I miss holding the gate open for you. I miss watching you slide your boots off on my porch. I miss holding your hand as we skip upstairs to my room. I miss hearing that breathe of relief you let out when the door locks. I miss watching you peel your layers of clothes off. I miss seeing you stare at your reflection in my mirror. I miss seeing your shirt slide up your back as you slink into my bed. I miss not letting you get into bed. I miss feeling every inch of you pressed against me. I miss knowing that you have to tiptoe to kiss me. I miss taking pictures in my mirror. I miss that slow game we play of who will get what they want first. I miss touching you. I miss your moans. I miss feeling you. I miss the feeling of you touching me. I miss hearing you ask me what I want. I miss seeing your back arch. I miss holding you down. I miss watching you struggle to be quiet. I miss the way you would reach down and hold my hands while I tasted you. I miss when you get tired and just hold me. I miss the way you held my face and whispered "god" as if you were the luckiest girl on this planet. I miss the way your eyes looked at me with such intensity. I miss the way your lips moved when you said you wanted to marry me. I miss all of these things. I am trapped in this room replaying every single moment over and over again in my mind. What if I never have that again? What if I never kiss you again? I have to write these things, because I am so goddamn afraid I'll forget them all. I'm scared you won't come back to me.

[femmemusings]

“Of everything I have seen, it’s you I want to go on seeing: of everything I’ve touched, it’s your flesh I want to go on touching. I love your orange laughter. I am moved by the sight of you sleeping. What am I to do, love, loved one? I don’t know how others love or how people loved in the past. I live, watching you, loving you. Being in love is my nature.”

 Pablo Neruda (via naturaekos)

[femmemusings]

I write about you a lot when I am happy. I want to write when I am sad. I want to share you with the world when I feel like I am under it. You are beauty and grace, but you are untouchable and cold. And I swear this liquor burns less than the thoughts whirling through my mind trying to piece together if you will ever love my soul as I love yours.

drunken thoughts about a girl, 12:28 a.m.

[femmemusings]

I am not afraid, but it seems as if I should be homesick for you even in heaven.

Louisa May Alcott, Little Women (via thelovejournals)

[femmemusings]

I’ll choose you on the days you can’t even get out of bed. I’ll choose you on the days when your hair is a mess and your pillow is soaked in tears. I’ll choose you on the days you can’t find hope in anything. I’ll choose you on the days that you wish you werent on this earth anymore. I’ll choose you on the days that you can’t find the right words to say, or anything to say at all. I’ll choose you on the days that you’re so angry, you can’t even look me straight in the eyes. I’ll choose you on the days that you’re numb and can’t find feeling in anything. I’ll choose you on the days that your eyes stop burning from crying. I’ll choose you on the days that the pain goes away. I’ll choose you on the days that you wake up and can finally feel again. I’ll choose you on the days that your smile is shining bright. I’ll choose you on the days that you’re so happy that not a damn thing could bring you down. I’ll choose you on the sad days, the happy days, the unorganized days, and every day in between. I’ll choose you any day. There will never be a day that you’re not the one I choose.

[femmemusings]

i’ve loved the stars and i’ve loved her and i’m sorry Universe, but you do not compare

she has all the galaxies inside her // s.b. (via inkedknuckles)

[femmemusings]

It’s been over a year And yet I still find myself wondering if this is real If the life we’ve created together is real If this person who tells me they love me so often is real. I still find myself feeling as though this is just a dream Too good to be true And hoping and praying that I won’t wake up if it is. I still find myself in awe of you And of everything you do Of your laugh and smile The way your cheeks get rosy for no reason The way you know me better than I know myself. I still find myself in a state of disbelief That I am yours And you are mine. I still find myself at a loss of words when I realize That I have someone to have and to hold That someone wants me as much as I want them. It’s been over a year And yet It feels like we’ve just gotten started And I never want to lose this feeling.

i don’t understand time or how i got so lucky to have you in my life (cc, 2016)