findingmelissa

[findingmelissa]

My 6 miles today was meh. But I got it done. Great heart rate, too.

I’m also dogsitting/walking in the mornings for close friends and these two doggos are some of my favorite beings on the planet. I have been their sometime caretaker, runner, walker, friend for 6 years now. Getting to see them every day this week is a very happy thing.

[findingmelissa]

The last time I drank was 6/22/25. 1 month.

This will be the fourth time I’ve attempted complete sobriety. The first time lasted 6 years. The second time 6 weeks. The third was this last year, almost 5 months.

This time I really want it to stick. For so many reasons. And I feel like this is it. I’m learning what I need to learn and working on the internal problems that make me want to drink (or eat or smoke or overexercise) in the first place. And after my breakdown last year, I am no longer putting up walls - with my friends, with Steve, and most importantly, myself.

And, a huge motivation this time is that I am doing it with @coffeeandmuscles. By the most beautiful coincidence, for different reasons, we both happened to quit on the same day. And doing it with her… well, it just doesn’t get any better than that. I love it so much. It’s kismet. ❤️❤️

So here’s to a month. And to finally finding real peace.

[findingmelissa]

Cranky pants. Two 4-milers and maintenance strength workout this morning. The runs sucked - like, supposed to be easy, but felt awful. Apparently Steve felt the same about his, which makes me feel better. Could just be the outside conditions. I just hope my 6 miles tomorrow goes better.

Gorgeous skies though. And gorgeous heron fishing at the big pond this morning. Love watching this dinosaur.

[findingmelissa]

90 minutes on the bike with The Food That Built America and maintenance strength workout.

Some food I made the last two days. Pork chop and steak dinners were for Steve. The rest was mine.

I love cooking all my own food again. I spent the last few years really removed from doing that and it showed all over - my weight, my skin, terrible sleep, etc. I always said one of the best things I ever did for my health was learn how to cook (in my 30’s). Still true. Hope I never veer away from that ever again.

[findingmelissa]

8 miles! It’s been about 3 years since I ran a straight 8 miles and god knows it’s probably been much longer since I did it joyfully. I am so pleased with myself today. Life is good. Running is good.

Steve and I both slept like garbage, don’t know why. So after my shower, I got back in bed for a little bit and Edward came up and joined me. That doesn’t happen a lot because Oswald is almost always in that spot, so I stayed there for an hour and made sure to give her lots of love. She is the sweetest.

[findingmelissa]

3-mile pace run. I don’t actually have a pace goal for my trail runs in September. I just figured I would try to go a little bit faster. It didn’t turn out much better than the 3-miler last week and it felt like a lot of effort. 🫠 My fault a little bit for waiting to go out when it was already sunny and hot. Still good and strong. I keep improving following the plan, as I should be.

Skipped my scheduled strength work today. I’m just exhausted this week. I’m giving myself grace.

[findingmelissa]

I am not trying to be negative but this actually makes me think of when I had my mental breakdown last August. Like everything inside me just exploded and melted and didn’t stop for a while.

If you’re talking about happy things, that happens to me a lot. When Oswald falls asleep cradled in my arm against my side. When I held my friends’ newborn baby a couple of weeks ago. Lots of moments.

A similar decision to what? Some of these questions are non sequitur. I’d they’re talking about all those prior questions about deciding what do change in my life… 2010, 2011, 2012 when I changed my habits friends and geography. What I learned - aaallll these years later - is that I need to work on the inner stuff and not the outer stuff first. Otherwise the garbage just comes back up.

Self care in every way. Working out, sleeping well, cooking all my food, cuddling with the cats, getting outdoors, hanging out with Steve. Working on my mental health. I am paying more attention to my mental health this last year than I ever have. THAT is definitely the best use of my time.

[findingmelissa]

45 minutes on the bike with an episode of The Food That Built America

Maintenance strength workout

More Indian food for lunch, this time with my favorite ex coworker Wayne. So good to visit with him today.

Venison taco pasta for dinner

I had a rough day today mentally. No particular reason. Just various work stresses and coping with the continued itching and pain from poison ivy and all the bug bites. I did sleep through the night last night but only because I took two Benadryl… which killed my desire to get out of bed this morning. Which always makes me feel depressed.

Deep breath. Tomorrow will be good. I’m home for the rest of the week and shouldn’t have any major work issues. That’s something.

[findingmelissa]

Can’t think of anything significant. I’ve been really honest with Steve as of late, not holding anything in. If I had to find something, it would be not telling my mom how up and down and bad my drinking got the last two years. I won’t ever tell her though. I have that right.

Fear of failure. Fear of new things. Social anxiety in trying to make new friends. I know I can get past all of these things though.

Not leaving Texas sooner to live in Michigan. Not traveling enough.

[findingmelissa]

Beautiful morning and a strong run but good lord I didn’t want to do this today. I had a very hard time sleeping last night due to the bug bites and itching. Woke up twice and stayed awake for 45 minutes both times. Uuuuugh.

After the run, I showered and got back in bed and passed out for over an hour, a blissfully itching and burning free sleep. God I hope tomorrow is better.

Then I met my sister in Dallas for lunch. We went to our usual Indian spot which… is meh compared to so much other great Indian food I’ve had in the last couple of years. Funny how perspective changes when you have better stuff.

But we had more great talks. I feel like our relationship is finally healing. It’s so good.

[findingmelissa]

4 strong miles (and a great heart rate)

Maintenance strength workout

Black beans, salsa, pepper jack scramble, avocado, tots for brunch

Thai red curry chicken (added carrots, cilantro, and scallions) for dinner

These were definitely the highlights of my day. Today sucked. IT related. Not going into details. It just sucked.

And underlying everything: Steve and I have dozens of bug bites around our ankles and lower legs from Saturday night. We are miserable. Slathering on anti itch cream and trying to ignore it. It’s fucking torture.

Tomorrow will be better.

[findingmelissa]

Olive Garden dinner: Zuppa Toscana with venison Italian sausage, their salad (kind of, no olives or pepperoncinis, I’ll get those next time), their salad dressing. I even made rolls on the side for Steve (not pictured) to mimic the breadsticks. Soooo good.

[findingmelissa]

Me at 5:15 AM after going to an all night underground warehouse rave and dancing my ass off and having the best time - 100% sober.

The party was for our crew leader (our crew, meaning we are a production group that puts on shows here, including those first Sunday of the month ones I mention sometimes) for his birthday. I almost didn't go, because of everything I've been talking about lately about all the people and the alcohol and drugs. But Steve was on the lineup and I went to support him and I am so happy I did. Last night was one of those nights that don't happen to me often anymore - I remembered what it was all about. The music. I danced my ass off! For hours! And I was full of genuine, not chemically-manufactured, joy. I haven't allowed myself to feel that way in a long time.

It reminded me of all the years I was totally sober and drum and bass was still my heart and soul. That part will never fade in me. It is integral to ME and has been for 25 years. And I don't need alcohol or drugs for the music to bring out that joy in me. I knew this. I just needed to tap into it again after the last few years of fading it out with poisons.

And the timing couldn't have been better considering what I've been grappling with the last year about all of this. Last night underscored the fact that I can still take part in that life, the music, the shows, the dancing, and keep some of these people at arm's length. If they want to do it all with altered states of mind, that's on them. But I have had years and years of experience doing otherwise (2011-2022 when I started getting unhealthy in that way again), and feeling that last night just reinforced that it is all the better to do it while being PRESENT and clear. I just lost my way.

So happy about this.

Also, I was still going to do the 3.5-mile run on the training plan today. Because I assumed I would go and just chill in a corner and not exert myself. But I ended up moving so much last night I let the dancing - and the nonstop cardio and the 700 calories I burned - substitute for that. Perfect.

I am very content today. Steve and I slept from about 6 to 12, I made brunch, we watched some shows, and now he is recording music while I write and hang out. I am clear-headed and un-anxious. Eff yeah.

[findingmelissa]

Credit: beyondtheinterview

[findingmelissa]

This is the face of a very happy runner. I haven’t done a run this long in 2 1/2 years. And honestly, with all my nerve issues in 2023-2024 and then my long lasting ankle injury this last year, I was starting to think I would never do this again.

This training is making me genuinely happy and proud. This is how running should be.

[findingmelissa]

I am afraid of changing the social landscape of my life - no longer going to music shows and basically “dumping” almost everyone involved in that scene. And making new friends in other places like a running club or a dance class.

That whole scenario is tempting.

The worst that could happen? I hurt people. People hate me. Steve feels the fallout from others for my choices and my absence.

What’s stopping me is how hard it would be to extricate myself. And everything I just said above about the worst that could happen.

What’s holding me back is fear of being hated and judged. Letting people down. Having to start over.

What would it look like if I fully stepped into it? It would be me having the self love and self esteem to do what is best for me. And understanding that the life I really envision for myself means letting go of my current life.

I need to stop going out and engaging with the people I really don’t want to engage with. The few I really care about, I will make the effort to see them in other ways, which I sometimes already do.

My relationship with Steve is what clouds a lot of this. I don’t want him to be disappointed. But I know that I need to trust that he loves me above anything else and wants me to do what makes me happy. I touched on this with him before (I’ve been circling around this subject internally for a year now) and I need to trust him and know that he will support whatever I choose to do with my life.

I also worry about him dealing with my absence. People asking questions, of course, but also maybe looking at him differently and not being as cool with him? That’s probably ridiculous.

Obviously these decisions may mean losing a lot of people. I have to hope that the people who really care about me will meet me where I am (physically and emotionally, so to speak).

This is tough.

ETA: it isn’t even just all music people. But it’s two main things: I deserve sober friends. And I deserve friends who want to give as much as I do to the friendship. Yes.

ETA 2: I have had to be social with people I don’t actually like or want to be social with for a few years and my brain has had it. I am so tired of being polite. Saying “love you” and not meaning it (I guess I do lie for social niceness), posting about our shows and not really meaning any of the words that I type. I am ready to be done with this.

[findingmelissa]

Maintenance strength workout and a faster, stronger 3-miler on a beautiful morning. So happy to be starting my day this way.