findingmyself3

[findingmyself3]

Introducing Myself

I’ve never been the best at putting my thoughts or achievements into words. It’s always felt too emotionally charged, or like I didn’t deserve the good things that happened to me. I know Tumblr isn’t really used much anymore, but I wanted to create a safe space for myself. A place where I can document the highs and lows of my life, and hopefully look back with clarity and pride.

Looking back on school, I wasn’t the model student. I was poorly behaved and often a big distraction. Still, I wouldn’t change the experiences I had, even the embarrassing ones, because they shaped me and taught me important lessons. What I do regret is not believing in myself and not having enough faith that things would eventually work out.

When COVID hit in 2020, I was honestly relieved. I truly don’t think I would have passed my GCSEs without the predicted grades. It felt like a second chance, and I was incredibly grateful. That September, I started sixth form at the same school, still unsure about what I wanted to do with my life. I chose to study Law, English Language, Psychology, and Applied Science.

Looking back now, I regret how much I took that opportunity for granted. I didn’t put in the work, and I set myself up to fail.

At the same time, I moved out of my mum’s house and went to live with my dad. My relationship with my mum has always been difficult. No matter how hard I’ve tried, and still try, we’ve never been able to build the relationship I’ve always wanted. People told me it was something I’d grow out of, but now that I’m days away from turning 21, I know that’s not true. If anything, it’s only gotten harder. Because of the move, I had to take three buses just to get to sixth form. Honestly, I didn’t have the motivation to keep up with it.

Early into Year 12, I dropped English Language. I thought it was a poor decision to have taken it in the first place, considering how disruptive I had been in that subject before. But soon after, I regretted the decision. Although I never admitted it at the time, English was one of my favourite subjects. I wasn’t great at it, but I had teachers who never gave up on me. I’ll always be thankful for that.

I tried to rejoin the course, but I was told no. I was told it wouldn’t be in my best interest. That hurt at the time, but I can see now that it was the right decision. I wasn’t putting in the effort, and I wasn’t showing any real interest. I hadn’t earned the opportunity to come back.

So, I focused on Law instead. I was incredibly lucky to be offered one-on-one tutoring through the school. It helped so much. I discovered a passion I didn’t expect to find. I managed to get a C on the first part of a mock exam. That might not sound like much, but I was thrilled. I felt like I was finally beginning to understand something, and I truly wanted to improve.

Then came the second part of the mock. I got an E. Those lessons were long, on Tuesday afternoons, and I found it hard to focus or participate. I struggled.

By the end of Year 12, my academic performance had dropped. I was told it might be best for me to retake the year, but I wouldn’t be allowed to take Law again. I understood why. I hadn’t shown interest in the second part of the subject, and I hadn’t even shown up for the resit exam. Looking back, I think I struggled with the transition from Year 11 to sixth form. In school, you have constant support and guidance. In sixth form, you’re there because you choose to be. No one is holding your hand anymore. You’re responsible for your own decisions, and I wasn’t ready for that.

I decided not to return to sixth form. If I couldn’t study Law again, I didn’t want to go back. That mindset alone proves it was probably the right decision to leave.

I enrolled in college to study Forensic Science and Criminal Investigation. It was a Level 3 Diploma, and it felt like a better fit. Still, I struggled with motivation. I didn’t want to ask for help, because asking meant admitting that I was struggling. And I didn’t want to admit that.

Even so, I decided to apply for university. I was 99% sure I wouldn’t actually go. I felt like education just wasn’t for me anymore. I applied to Durham, York St John’s, Anglia Ruskin, St Mary’s, and Birmingham Newman. To my surprise, I received offers from all of them, including an unconditional offer from Anglia Ruskin.

I firmed Durham as my top choice and listed York St John’s as my insurance. When I didn’t get the grades I needed for Durham, it took a while for me to come to terms with it. I was so certain I’d get in.

I ended up attending York St John’s, and I’m genuinely so happy with how things worked out. I’ve just finished my second year of a four-year course, and I’m incredibly proud. I’ve met amazing people, and I feel like I finally have the support I need to succeed.

There were so many times when I wanted to give up. And honestly, I could have. But I’m so glad I didn’t. I’m averaging a 2:1, which I never thought I’d be able to achieve. Sometimes I have to remind myself to be proud of that. I still question whether I’m doing enough or if I’m where I’m supposed to be. But I know that 13-year-old me would be so proud of how far I’ve come.

I’ve had some incredible opportunities, and I know I’m lucky. Not everyone gets second chances, and I’ll never take that for granted.

I owe so much to the teachers who helped me along the way. I wish I could tell them how well I’m doing now and thank them for believing in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself.

I know this has been long, and I don’t expect it to get many views. That’s okay. I just hope that when I need it most, I can come back and read this. I want to remember how far I’ve come, and how grateful I am to be where I am today.