findingourjoy

[findingourjoy]

Letters, Cheese Pizza & Mary Poppins

Time, it’s the thing no one ever tells you is part of your loss.  I’m not talking philosophically here I mean tick tock TIME TIME.  I never have enough of it.  Also I have heard from a widow friend or two that that as the heavy grief lifts on your journey a new hard settles………Um and if you are widow friend who has gone before me – I feel like you should have made this clearer LOL!  Seriously though, the truth is life is hard – and honestly if you are living life well even if you aren’t a widow or dealing with loss Life can be Hard! 

Life is also full of goodness, joy, dreams realized, good friends and Encores.  For me what is so challenging is realizing that it is both and sometimes the Good and Bad don’t seem like they co-mingle but they do.  My life is hard at times, every decision for my families future is squarely on me, mix in trying to raise 2 Godly, kind kids, swim schedules and teaching one to be less sarcastic and the other to read – my plate is full.  And unfortunately I can’t get more time.  But God; it seems right when I think I am running on fumes pockets of time emerge.

As a Mom I don’t often have time for one on one parenting.  I take it when I can get it though; it’s just hard I often feel like I just need an 8th day.  This week Mackenzie went to Science Camp.  I took time to write her a letter daily, to talk to her about her strengths, her character, everything she is good at, and all that she can accomplish.  In those pen strokes I know I met her where she was.  I don’t have time to date my kids, its just not in my cards in my current state, and ohhhh what perfect parenting plans I had when I was co-parenting.  But I am grateful that Kenzie was away, and I know she missed me so she wanted to read what I had to say and we had time to connect.

Parenting one child for the week!  Listen I am grateful for both of my kids but ONE!  ONE child that was a wonderful respite and parenting lite was appreciated.  I also was able to spend quality time with Ace.  We played tether ball, tossed balloons around the house, learned what window shopping at Toys R Us actually was (not his highlight of the week I am sure), and we even went to Chuck E Cheese’s.  Such a good week; and isn’t that how life is – we worry about all that we aren’t doing well and then a pocket of time opens up where we can knock it out of the park.  Honestly, I won’t have time to do overtly one on one type of things with these 2 for the next 6 weeks.  I’ll take what I can get, and this week I was given a ton of grace and goodness.

In the middle of this crazy full life we needed to hire a new caregiver for the kids.  I have some how stumbled on Mary friggin Poppins!  She has her own goals for the kids that coincide with mine, she wants Asa to make a goal of being more proficient with reading and they are doing timed flash cards that he thinks are fun.  She is meal planning with Kenzie so she helps nurture Mackenzie’s infatuation with cooking – she limits tech time so they can have more fun together, and today she made me breakfast – LIKE bacon and eggs breakfast.  I know I cant even!  Thank you Lord! 

One of my best friends said recently, “You are carrying an incredibly heavy load on your back and holding both kid’s hands while walking down a new path.”  I cried and could easily cry with that perfect image now; its true but what also is true is that this life this pressure isn’t too much for me, and though the imagine of everything being saddled on me while walking down a road alone with my babies is tough and true – when I look ahead – it’s beautiful full of color and promises.

Life can be hard, and sometimes is overwhelmingly so, but life also gives us what we need if we look, like time, like blessings, like goodness!   Sometimes you have to really look but the tension of difficulty and blessing isn’t too much for us!

Love is enough I hope you feel love and that you are looking ahead!

Sandy

#dunnpartyof3

[findingourjoy]

These Days

I’ve been pretty busy the last month, Birthdays and swim meets and work and hiring a new nanny - a girl is tired.  That can make me emotional too. 

I find myself crying more the usual lately.  I cried because I was sick and just wanted someone to help me.  I’ve cried because sometimes you guess is as good as mine when it comes to rearing my children.  And then a picture brought to mind what really could be going on..........

5 years ago this week we started a new life in Arizona, I became a stay at home Mom, Kenzie started a new school Ace had just turned 2.  And if I knew you would only have less then 2 years to live, I would have stopped time, I would have given anything to have more time, more parenting by you more laughing with you.  No matter how far I get and how well we are doing - nothing makes your departure easy.  We learn new ways to live, gain new strengths but its always a jagged little pill.

You left your mark on our hearts, we will see you again.  Mostly we are fine - but then there are the days and hours that our memories flood us and all the love, joy and loss we feel blend and we remember the days when we had you.

[findingourjoy]

Good Grief & Dates and Times

Charlie Brown said it best – GOOD Grief!  Well there is nothing really good about it.  It’s hard.  Demands to be felt and dealt with!  I am grateful that I have worked through the bulk of my raw grief.  It’s not to say, I don’t have real feelings about my life and my situation – but the black heavy coat of grief that robs your sleep and makes you question if you do have what it takes to get to the other side- yeah I don’t miss that and am grateful that there was the other side and that I made it over.

I knew, innately, that if my kids saw a Mama who was ok that they would know they would be ok too.  So while they were awake – I was ok.  They did see me grieve – they never or rarely saw me literally lose my “stuff”.   They, of course, have a had a front row seat to this new life of ours, they have each dealt with each change in unique ways and their process of grieving and healing has not been on the same time frame as mine.  

Their grief first manifested with unending colds in January and February of 2014.  I was thankful that our Manny at the time Alex was so open to helping us and thankfully their colds never took him out.  Kenzie’s sleep patterns were greatly affected and took the better part of 2 years to get back on track.  For Ace, he’s not reading my blog so he won’t be too embarrassed but he lost ground with being potty trained.  Navigating their grief has been difficult, and likely the untold story of being a widow and what Social Media makes healing look like.  In the middle of December Mackenzie mentioned that her Dads birthday was coming up and that 11 days later was the anniversary of his death.  Of course I knew these dates – but for her to know them too weighed heavy on my heart.  

Around the same time while driving home from a birthday celebration of Jeff’s friend (mine too) Mackenzie had an honest question.  We were celebrating Uncle Victor who had so much to celebrate not only a monumental birthday – but also he was recently healed of colon cancer.  She asked, “Mom I don’t know how to say this because I am so happy about it – But why would God heal Uncle Victor but let Daddy die?”  These are the moments that no one prepares you for – there isn’t a book saying this will likely happen when you’re dead tired driving Southbound on highway 880.  No one tells you how to answer questions that have no good answers.  In those moments you just grab your little and share their pain, and ugly cry until you both can hardly breathe, and just hope that with each tear it’s bringing her closer to the other side of the pit of grief.  You also hope God drops some serious wisdom with an illustration in your brain.  Though I don’t have all the answers I am thankful He did drop a few anecdotes in my heart to share, that brought my girl comfort and perspective.

Our family’s mantra is – “We are a family that loves each other!”  It’s especially cute (sarcasm anyone) when I remind my kids about this and make them ask forgiveness from each other while they whine out that line.   In the early days most nights would end with all three of us crying over our loss in my bed together.  We have had a day like that not long ago.  I tell them often that though I am so sad they have experienced loss I am glad we have each other as we navigate this new life.  Kid grief its so different then my own, its gnarly and raw and gross.  But I think because they are so innocent it is a lot less complicated.  They aren’t wrought with the worry of all that could go wrong like I was – its no easy walk their road but I am so proud that they keep trying and keep their heads us.  They really don’t know all they have lost and because of their youth  - they look to me for stability and life for fun. 

Time is so different at each age right?  The last 3 years for me have been both the fastest and longest 3 years ever.  Time; it stands still for no one.  I was 40 when Jeff passed.  Today I have lived longer then he did.  My Ace will be 7 in a matter of days.  He will have lived longer with out Jeff then he did with him.  Also, and this is a jaw dropper, at the end of January we will have been back in California longer then we ever lived in Arizona.  The thing is – time it really is a vapor.  This year 2017 – these days and its time are going to tick by.  We will cherish some of its days for a long time – other days we won’t be able to say goodbye to fast enough.  But let’s be deliberate to live each day of this year as a gift.  Life, regardless who is president is a gift.  Whatever you have planned for 2017; I hope you live it purposefully and with plenty of joy!

Xoxo,

Sandy #dunnpartyof3

[findingourjoy]

Baby Eagles & Work Life

Hello there!  I have missed writing; just like that it’s been a year since I’ve posted anything – YIKES!   A Year full of growth, challenge, finding a rhythm and lots of joyous moments too.  I learned to trust myself this last year.  To trust my limits, that my friends and family would understand those limits and to trust God in a new way too. I think about blogging every time my kids or my life experiences something that is poignant or funny.

Are you watching the Eaglets hatching – it’s all over social media?.  The first little eagle just popped out an hour ago it’s a New Years Eve eaglet; full of life and new possibilities.  Eagles are majestic – if you have ever watched one in real life you now they are awe-inspiring.  They are our national bird, Jeff loved the symbolism of eagles and had a framed one hung in his office for years.  While watching the Mother hover over the new hatch-ling, keeping it warm but not crowding it, letting her young know,  “I am here just take your time” – I thought – how does she know what to do, how does she know to do that?

As I dust off this blog – I know that I can’t cover everything that happened in the last year but the last year I feel like I can relate so well to both the hatch-ling and the full grown Eagle.

If you have kept up on my social media pages you know I started working last fall.  I actually took a temporary part-time job with Stanford Athletics early fall 2015 to earn some Christmas money.  That job wasn’t difficult but had long hours and often kept me out past the witching hour.  Around that time of wading back into the waters of working life, Mackenzie wanted a play-date with one of our family friends.  I remember not wanting to take her, the busyness of being an only parent had taxed me extra that week.  But, and if you have kids, you often go the extra mile for them.  It was at that very play-date I heard about another temporary job at a local hospital.  Talk about being at the right place at the right time!

I followed up with my dear friend who worked there; she helped me with my resume and got me the interview.  I remember sending her 3 interview outfits.  Funny enough – when I stopped working to be a Stay at Home Mom, I did two things, purposely got rid of all my blazers and slacks and got a bunch of tattoos, um that didn’t work out as planned LOL.  I was nervous for the interview, but knew that the window of me living in the Bay, paying Bay Area rents and not working full-time was going to end before too long.

The interview went well, obviously, and I began working in the Healthcare Field.  What should have been a 3-6 month assignment has turned into an amazing job, fantastic relationships and has given me an opportunity to renew my passport and travel outside the country.

But, like the baby eagle it was a whole new world – This single Mama working, commuting, a new industry, kids getting used to new norms was hard.  The struggle was not only REAL it was really difficult and at times I thought I wasn’t going to be able to hack it.  The healthcare industry is an entirely different world, a different language even– I can project manage my way into and out of anything but it was like I was put on Mars.

Those were the days I was so busy living this new life I had no time to write.  I am blessed that I go into the office 2-3 days a week and work from home on the other days.  Commuting in the Bay Area is a challenge at times – going 20 miles can easily take you more than an hour.  Last fall my commute was often filled with tears even sobs, wondering how did I get here, is this job too much for me, can I do this, can my kids make the turn of not having me home, when will I ever clean my house, where do I find reliable child care?  I’d stop crying once I’d get to Page Mill Road so my face wouldn’t be puffy when I walked into the office.  I cried on the way to and from work for weeks and likely months.

I often think about my early days of loss.  Not being able to see or hope for a future. In the midst of crazy loss I had to show my kids stability, joy, Christmas – how I did Christmas 2 days after losing Jeff still makes my lip quiver if I think about it too long.  But those early days taught me how to do hard things – not only how to do hard things but do them in succession often times with no breaks.

I wrote a blog in the summer of 2015 called it Happens On A Day.  And growing the muscle of being a working Mom with a long commute, balancing homework and swim, and cooking and cleaning – well that happened on a day too.  I enjoy the routine of my commute; I listen to the best music or podcasts.  Often times it’s my only solitude sometimes I just relish the quiet.

This year taught me to trust myself, that I can do all things with help from on High.  That like the Mama Eagle some things are just innate, the ability to surpass your limits it’s in you.  Yes it may cost you tears and change and new environments – but you -WE- are made to soar high above our perceived limitations.  You know, maybe it was God hovering over me like the Mama Eagle, saying “I am here…….take your time”, all those tearful days driving up the highway.  Be encouraged, if 2016 was a year of challenge or a complete year of joy and ease I pray 2017 finds you looking at the New Year with curious possibilities like the Baby Eagle – but also embracing the wisdom and majesty (greatness) that life lessons have brought you this far!

Thank you for reading - This certainly won’t be my last blog.

Sandy #dunnpartyof3

New Blogs coming in the New Year:  Sandy the Entertainer, Dealing with Grieving Kids, Back in the Saddle – I mean pulpit……and a few others.

[findingourjoy]

The Circle of Life

Mackenzie turned 9 in August.  She asked me to get her were tickets to the Lion King musical for her birthday – she had heard it advertised on the radio and it was coming to San Jose in early October.  Of course I was delighted she asked for this instead of lip-gloss or clear mascara or what other tween thing that has caught her eye.  I happily told her about the last time I watched that musical, I was very pregnant with her and it was in the same theatre.

One of the challenges of being a Single Mom is getting quality time with each one of my kids, so naturally I was so looking forward to this.  Kenzie and I dressed up, went out and had the best parts of any meal – appetizers and dessert.  It was amazing watching her excitement - she couldn’t wait to get to the theater.  Once we were seated and the musical started with the grand procession Mackenzie’s joy was palatable.  Something that has been true about me for years is – dark theatres will effect me one of two ways, either I’ll fall asleep or I’ll get incredibly introspective – call me crazy but it’s true.

Disney always does a phenomenal job.  So many parts of this musical were amazing and totally fit the playlist of my life.  Hakuna Matata – it means don’t worry right.  Life is full of worries but at some point you just have to find joy anyway.   One scene had Simba looking into a river, he had lost his way and forgotten who he was – he wasn’t just a lion he was a King.  It reminded me of my 2 chickens – without their Daddy would they one day not remember how amazing they are?   As Simba looks into the water he doesn’t just see himself he sees his Dad King Mufasa and this song plays – “He lives in you, he lives in me, He watches over everything we see, Into the waters, into the truth, In your reflection, He lives in you.”  I was moved, I tried to not completely lose it in the dark – but my greatest hope is that my kids would remember their Dad and know his love for them has no end. 

When they began singing the Circle of Life – I was reflecting on my little circle of life nearly 10 years before.  I was married, I was about to have a baby, I had a stable job, I owned a home, I even had a luxury vehicle.  What a crazy circle my life has taken.  It kind of took my breath away.   Looking at Mackenzie who was gasping and clapping and beaming – what a divinely special moment.    Through the rawness of it all I am grateful for every moment, every joy, every sorrow – none of it was wasted it all has taken me to where I am today.  In the circle of life – it moves us all through despair and hope through faith and love.

I hope your week is filled with hope, faith and love!

Sandy

[findingourjoy]

Big Breakfasts & Home Décor

Hi.  I know it’s been ages.  But I am back with summer stories to tell!  If you follow me on social media you saw the pictures of our Manny’s, Alex, visit and surprise engagement.  It was phenomenal to watch his life change as his hands were trembling – ahhhhhhh that’s love.  He flew in on a really tough week for me, that week we celebrated Mackenzie’s birthday, the start of a new school year & Asa’s first day of Kindergarten.  My heart needed the distraction and you know a bit of bling was the perfect thing to take my attention.

This summer was full, a full week at sleep away camp for Kenz, Asa and I went camping with our family, beach trips, swim competitions, BBQs we got it all in.  We have settled nicely into school routines.  Honestly, as much as this summer was fun and full of change it was really hard on me too.  When I moved back home I was exhausted but I am a doer so I stayed busy for a very long time.  I remember Jenn encouraging me to slow down, because once I moved out into my place – a new life would start.  This summer started our new life.  It’s been amazing and amazingly hard too.  Life in Silicon Valley is awesome, Nor-Cal has so much to offer within her few miles.  It’s not for the faint of heart though, it can be a tough financial place to survive in.  I recently wrote If having faith for things is easy for you, you’re probably doing it wrong – I have big faith for a good life for myself and my chickens. 

I can say I am settling in too.  I don’t live a typical Single Mom life, with small kids who still deal with loss I’m still not working full-time.  I really really REALLY struggled with this up until recently.  I have talked with all my close friends about the struggle, I have done the math on childcare, but beyond that I am finally settling into doing what is best for us – and that may not look typical.  Me being home when my kids are, is the biggest gift and sacrifice I can give them.  So I am settling into that, finally managing the sacrifice and embracing the gift that it is also.  In our family big breakfasts are a gem, these kids are always hoping I’ll say, “It’s big breakfast Saturday tomorrow.”  I have friends who try and get in on our big breakfasts too, it’s that good.  It’s nothing more then an easy morning in comfortable clothes filled with laughter, food and peace.  Well today is Wednesday, I just had big breakfast by myself and my soul is refreshed.

It’s nearly fall, my favorite time of year, Football, Sweaters, Boots, awwwww I love it.  Fall ushers in the Holidays - such a great time.  One thing that is true of me is I love to decorate – seriously I can totally channel a brown Martha Stewart up in here.  I have 3 bins of fall decorations.  I am so excited to transform this house into all things brown, orange and yellow.

15 months ago or so I blogged about having an identity crisis, loss does that to you.   You do come out of loss different and sometimes it takes years to figure out who the true you really is.  I remember when I was packing up my house to move back to California I asked my friend and Pastor, Cami, if I should even keep my entertainment cooking items.  I hadn’t entertained in so long, at that point I didn’t even know if I still knew how to cook.  She said, “Sandy you are still an entertainer that is who you are, keep these things until you need them again.”  She was right, I still can cook, and I do love to entertain.  And I am the girl who decorates for every Holiday.  That is who I am.  My kids love it and I love it too.   

I am finally accepting the new me these last 21 months have produced.  I now flow when I once ebbed, things I once took too seriously I now laugh at and other things I didn’t give enough attention too I now stop and relish them.  I love all the things that were me years before my loss are finally resurfacing, it’s like the best parts of the old me are shining again. 

I hope you are excited to dust off your boots, and pull out your sweaters.  More importantly I hope you are brave enough to make decisions that may only be right for you, it’s scary but so rewarding - I especially hope that you embrace all the things that make you YOU.  In the busyness of life I hope you take time to do something just for you that brings you joy, soothes your soul and brings you peace.  And for the love of all things fall, go right to Starbucks, get a tall Pumpkin Spice Latte, but do NOT look at the calorie content.

Brave is the new black!

Sandy #teamdunn

[findingourjoy]

Steel Magnolias

There is a magnolia tree in my front yard.  I love those trees, their beautiful blossoms and how fragrant they are.  Of course Steel Magnolias is one of the best movies of all times!  My friends and I can quote Truvy and Shelby for days, “My colors are blush and bashful, one is a much deeper shade than the other.”  And “Time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marchin’ across your face.”  That movie reminds me of friendship and strength, two things I am grateful for. 

I have to say it’s been an incredibly busy few weeks.  Just a few weeks before moving I received a contract job working for someone I highly admire and respect.  Of course the job started just days after I moved.  My Mom also came in to help me get settled a few days after we moved in as well.  So the last few weeks have found me, moving, getting settled, helping 2 kids get settled – which brought up a lot of grief for them, working a new job, entertaining my Mom (who am I kidding it was mostly entertain yourself lady I’m busy) – but just a lot going on.

This magnolia tree has had me thinking about the strong women in my life.  I think of Kathie, who is the glue that keeps so many families together.  Often times when she is tired and the grace has gone, one of her family members comes around needing her love or wisdom – and she pours out into them.  I think of Jenn who works a stressful job with tons of overtime, who parents 2 kids 2 and under and who leads a fulltime church – when she is at the end of her grace rope she begins to pray and her prayers have faith stirring life that inspires.  I think of my friends though they have their own lives filled with careers, families, stress and shenanigans would put their lives on hold to help me.  I think about my own Mom who has the strength to have a positive outlook on life because despite life’s hardships she knows the days ahead of her are better then the days behind her. 

I learned early in my loss that a great tool for me was to schedule grief time – I know it sounds awfully type A – but I had/have 2 impressionable kids – I can’t just lose it in the middle of life.  And truthfully it’s not about scheduling it as much as it is about being aware of anything that may surface.  I told my closest friends that I suspected that this move would bring up some loss for me – honestly though the last few weeks have been so busy I haven’t had time to sit and think or feel, until just a bit ago.  I dropped off my Mom to the airport – totally bittersweet moment. 

The funny thing about this new house is – its nearly exactly like this other house Jeff and I shared – freakishly so.  Today after dropping my Mom and napping my kids, sitting in quiet for the first time in weeks – I felt it – all the feelings as my friends would say.  I miss my Mom, I miss Jeff and I miss my old life.  There are so many parts of my new life that I love that honestly I would never trade– but there are moments when I remember……….. a beautiful time, an easier time than this moment.  In the safety of my children’s naps I let out all the emotions.  I am happy and so blessed and I never could explain just how grateful I am for all the good, all the provision and the amazing that my life does contain.   At the same time, this blessing would never be here with out one hard day.  I know that will always be true, the best day of my next marriage wouldn’t be possible with out the worst day of my life.  It’s so bittersweet – but so true.  I know this house has a ton of memories that we will make within it’s walls; but sitting here in this home with all my things I am overwhelmed by the beautiful mess that got us here.  It’s all the feelings all at once, and like that tree in my yard I’ll stand strong and feel them. 

Kathie and I were talking not to long ago about what separates the strong………in the end she said, “I don’t know why we are as strong as we are – but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”  My journey has made me who I am.  I get overwhelmed still with the newness and toughness of this life, but I do look fear in the face until it flees even through tears and white knuckles.   I hope you stand strong during the winds and shifts of life and like a magnolia, be beautiful and smell good like one too.  There is a Steel Magnolia in all of us – we are built strong us women! 

No matter what comes there is deep strength in all of us.  Let me tell you about my baby magnolia – Kenzie Grace.  She’s built of steel that one!  From the first night of her loss she has been beyond her years, I couldn’t be prouder to be her Mom and watch her journey.  Tonight while walking down the hall to put her to bed I heard her singing.  I waited at the door just to listen; it was a song that sounded vaguely familiar.  When I opened the door, she had her head back belting out these lyrics with tears pouring down her face;

“It's been a long day without you, my friend And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again We've come a long way from where we began Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again When I see you again”

The song reminded her of her Daddy, and she sang it with all of heart.  Today was a day where we were feeling all of our feelings in this house – and at the end of the day, we felt strength despite our weakness.  Whether your 8 or 98, I hope you know that you are stronger than your worst day.  I trust you’ll find that in the moment you let your realness set your weakness free – that you will feel your strength soar.  And just like for me and all of the Steel Magnolia’s that inspire me – your best days lay ahead of you. 

And of course this post would be nothing without another quote from that fabulous movie I leave you with this one!  “I’d rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.” Shelby – I’m getting my 30 minutes back y’all.  This house will usher in many a good thing!!!!! 

<3 Sandy #teamdunn

[findingourjoy]

It happens on a day

That’s life.  It just happens on a day – like boom!  On just a day you can meet the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with.  For my friend Jenn, it just happened on a day – after years of infertility boom – she was pregnant.  Miracles and even the hard things in life just happen on a day.   What’s next in the kids and my lives just like the title of this blog – just happened on a day.

It’s funny how God works (for those of you who aren’t believers you can insert life in that spot – though it’s kind of a shoddy comparison because life can suck but God never does).  A year ago around this very time I was here in San Jose, the kids and I were visiting for nearly 3 weeks – we were 6 months into living our new life.   Of course I thought about moving back a lot once Jeff died – but that visit was the first time I had the thought and I knew it wasn’t me wanting to run away from all the bad served up in Arizona

I remember talking for hours with trusted friends about what’s next and the next part of the journey.  My friends, Jeff’s closest friends; all one by one confirming that “there is no place like home”.  I made the first very hard decision of life as the head of my house – hello California, you are truly home and I’m coming for you.   Leaving Arizona was no simple task, of course it was expensive to move, but there were two huge mountains that would take months and months to move and adjust around.  Displacing my children who had already suffered such loss – to have them lose security yet again broke my heart.  A very close second obstacle was leaving the price point of the desert.  Ughhhhh.  I struggled with this question, “Am I making the right decision?”  My family in Arizona thought I was making a huge mistake – to the point they couldn’t support my move on any level.  My sweet Mom worried for me as well ,she packed me all while crying in her heart, I know.

Knowing I was doing right by my tribe we moved.  My kids went through a huge time of adjusting, crying at school, co-sleeping, really needing all the support a village could offer.  I needed support too.  Mama Kathie’s house has a prayer room – I would spend countless hours in there – sobbing trying to connect with a real God, needing affirmation that He still can make beautiful things out of dirt.  Life, as you know, isn’t for the faint of heart.  Towards winter we made the turn, we were home.  I couldn’t tell you then what our future would hold, but the kids and I found a rhythm.  Jobs found me, rest found me, activities and friends found my kids. 

A few months ago – I realized summer was coming fast.  I had no real plan for what was next.  My goal was to move this summer.  I looked at a few apartments, but nothing ever felt right.  I remember talking to Kathie and sharing what I sensed – “I think when I move it will be clear, like it will be the hand of God.”  I remember sharing this with her and thinking - please Mama Kathie don’t think I’ve settled on squatting in your house!  She said, “Sandy, God told me the same thing we will just know!”  Even with this assurance I struggled.  I’d cry openly and privately about wanting a home to open up.  Honestly, I even thought about what it would be like just to move back to Phoenix.  There I had certain financial security.  Here I was just waiting on a miracle, talk about a walk in patience and trusting God to be enough.

A few things that I wanted when considering a home or apartment was to stay close to this village.  Jenn and I are lucky because when you are teens and your laying on the grass with your best friends and someone says, “Lets buy houses on a court and all raise our kids together” and everyone laughs and makes it a plan – well um hello we are actually doing that.  So staying close to my people was priority one.  Not changing my kids’ school was another must on my list.  What many don’t know about where I live is just across the street from here is the cute town of Los Gatos.  That town boasts of all things American, highend shops, a main street that is quintessential Americana – AHEM its expensive as hell people, as are the rental prices. 

Just a few weeks ago one of Dan and Kathie’s boys popped over looking for boxes.  Just a random Saturday so I thought.  I wasn’t even listening to the conversation really but I heard him say that his friend who lives 2 doors down from Kathie and Dan was moving.  I lept off the couch and asked if that house was a rental – it was.  I remember locking eyes with Kathie – both of us thinking could this be that – that miracle we knew would have to play out?

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind.  I am finishing this blog, sitting on my couch in my new home 2 doors down from the Harwood’s home, 3 doors down from D & Jenn.  This house is a total miracle.  So many little miracles led me here.  From my friend having a vision she was sitting on my couch in this house, to me bumping into the property owner and discovering that we both are writers and widows????!!!!!!  There’s also the miracle of me affording this place too not to mention this house has the exact same layout as the last house we lived with Jeff in California.  Today, I can’t help but be overwhelmed by goodness and love!

What I know is this, I’ve never done anything that would warrant such blessings.  In the same regard I never would have thought my life would change so much all those months ago.  Something that has been true for me since hour 1 of this new journey is – I have always known I have choice.  I can choose.  I cannot always choose what happens to me or around me – but I can control what it does to my attitude and spirit!

It just happens on a day!  Today no matter what you’re going through or how full your plate is – look for miracles, things that make you smile and bring you joy.  I hope your spirit is smiling like mine is today.  If you can’t muster a smile go make someone else smile – that always seems to work.

Thank you for reading and still being interested in what our lives look like.  And thank you for your thoughts and prayers – I am one blessed girl and I count this blog and it’s readers as one of my favorite blessings!

May what ever happens on a day – bring you joy!

Sandy #teamdunn

[findingourjoy]

Mother’s Day and a HOT Lunch date!

I have a very special lunch date planned!  I know you are leaning in with hopes that I am about to tell you about some man – HA!  It’s with someone I have watched from afar, fully respect and am excited to learn from.  She’s a fellow widow, when her husband died, I was in my very early 20’s, and I made calls to local churches to give them the news of her loss.  I never would have imagined I’d be exactly where she was one day.  She has been so thoughtful through these last several months, caring and supportive.  She has a marriage I admire, has raised her children well and I want to sit and learn from her first hand.  I’ll ask the hard questions that will likely make me cry like, how do you honor one man for the rest of your life while honoring the memory of another – and what does that look like? And how do you raise kids who do not dwell on loss but are grateful for the time they had with their Father?  I’ll also ask her about blending lives together post loss. 

I have to say, I am looking forward to it but I am super nervous.  I’ve made a habit out of this though, being proactive.  I’ve always spent time with people who have had lives I’ve wanted.  In college I’d take mentors out to lunch wanting to understand their success.  In my early 20’s I hung out with women who had marriages I wanted to emulate.  So this is a huge step – I want what she has, to be loved, to have kids who are better because of their legacy and to be whole though fully changed.  It kind of makes me swallow hard – but I’ll ask the hard questions, listen well and pay the bill! 

It’s Mother’s Day weekend.  Last year I planned on taking my kids to San Diego for the weekend.  I wasn’t sure how I’d be feeling, but room service and the beach have always made my life better!  There was a last minute change of plans last year – so essentially this is feeling like my 1st Mother’s Day as a widow.  It feels surreal and that’s ok.  I have learned to sit with my feelings, and feel them – I’ve learned that nothing is too big for Jesus and me together.  I haven’t reached out to my friends because in the end they can’t make this easier, getting through hard times and coming out the victor are the only things that can.  I’ve over heard several husbands ask their wives, “What do you want for Mother’s Day?” in the last several days.  Honestly, I felt a sting, a new level of embracing my truth. 

Last night while tucking Mackenzie into bed – her simple prayer touched me even changed my feelings of sadness and loneliness about this holiday.  As I’ve written in past blogs my kids pray for their new Daddy each night.  She prayed, “Dear God, please help us be joyful and hopeful until the new Daddy comes to our family.”  I woke up this morning knowing that I could and should easily choose joy and hope.  I recently watched a movie on a friend’s suggestion.  It was about a girl who get’s to see how her life would be if she took the obvious path versus the narrow one.  At one point she is having breakfast with her Mom and asks her Mom, “If you could go back would you change something so that you could live a better life or an easier life?”  Her Mom said she wouldn’t change a thing.  That the mistakes and disappoints of her past put her exactly where she is today. 

That got me thinking.  Right now, I am sitting alone at my favorite breakfast place, and I am back in the Bay Area.  Seriously last year this would be the best Mother’s Day gift ever.  I have a job I love, that pays me well and gives me the flexibility some only dream of.  I honestly never thought I’d say this but looking back I wouldn’t change a thing – including Jeff’s untimely death.  Of course I’d do anything to have prevented my kids from feeling loss – but that is just because I’m a good Mom.   Loss has given me so much, new friends, field access to a 49ers game, a chance to live back in my hometown and one day (hopefully soon how’s that for being honest) I’ll experience a new deep love again.  I wouldn’t change this tragedy; I am different because of it, better actually.  I love more and harder, I am aware of the gift of time, I am raising children acutely aware of what really matters in life.

In the midst of all my feelings about Mother’s day I know I am not alone, thinking of my Mom who has lost her Mom on this earth and others who only have the memory of their Mom left.  I think of Single Moms who have never shared life with an amazing partner, and I think of my fellow Widows who maybe are feeling pangs of sadness.  My prayer for everyone is– well it’s actually Kenzie’s prayer – that you would remain hopeful and joyful regardless of where you are.

Happy Mother’s Day to every Mom out there!  I hope you are grateful for the moments that have gotten you here every joy every sorrow they have brought you safely to this day.  I hope you are celebrated well; and you know that you are making a tremendous difference in your children’s lives. 

And lastly if you are rearing children on this Mother’s Day I wish you time alone – because that is golden!

Oh Happy Day,

Sandy #teamdunn

[findingourjoy]

Dear God, please help us be joyful and hopeful until the new Daddy comes to our family!

Mackenzie Grace 5/5/15 seriously this child blesses my very soul.

[findingourjoy]

Words of Life & My little swimmer

You are amazing!  Your best days are still in front of you.  You are enough.  You are loved.  Your dreams will come true and your future is so bright – you totally should buy some new shades!

I think we never can hear good words, life giving words, often enough!  If you have ever read the book 5 Love Languages, (seriously if you haven’t go to Amazon right now and order that thing) words of affirmation is one of them, it’s one of the main ways I connect with love and feel valued.  A kind word at a perfect time is like water to a thirsty person.  Once I had my kids pick a rock out of our yard.  Then I helped them wrap up that rock in elaborate gift wrap – I wanted to show them the power of words it’s totally a gift if they are used to uplift others.  On the contrary words misused can cut and shatter us.

I’ve been in a weird place lately.  Which is one of the reasons I haven’t written.  I received the sage advice from a writing mentor who works at USC that writing while you’re in the middle of things isn’t always helpful, so I’ve been sitting on my hands. I’ve cried off and on, more then I have in the last few months, I have talked to my closest “girls” about it – the strangest, hardest part of this journey for me is the unknown feelings.  I couldn’t figure out why I was weepy, what was going on?!  Then while driving I got it and the dam burst~ I hella cried, of course in my van while my kids were belting out Trains, Hey Soul Sista. 

I’ve always been proactive.  I run to problems, generally I feel safer analyzing a situation, then making a list on how to most effectively tackle it.  That has worked well for me in life.  When I took up photography I read a few books and took some classes then I was on my merry way! I remember taking my photography class, ran by a brilliant successful photographer.  I remember turning in my work weekly always feeling a bit nervous.  I did well in that class, I as able to understand the basics – but that class was filled with so many rules, it messed up the creative side I enjoyed most about photography.  Once free to click away - now in the back of my head I was thinking, “How’s my aperture, and my ISO and composition?”

 I followed the same proactive pattern after becoming a widow, I started writing, read tons of books, prayed, went to therapy.  I was deliberate about my path to healing and wholeness.  One of the things I have read and heard from successful psychologists and even those in the widow community is – the 2nd year is rough!  To quote a trusted therapist, “The second year is filled with land mines.”  I kind of looked at this the same way I looked at all the nay-sayers that said, “Your first year of marriage is going to be so hard.”  Saying stuff like that isn’t really helpful, I decided that my first year of marriage would be easy and fun, and it was just that! 

The thing is though – words have power!  I found myself at the end of a fun filled Spring Break, feeling all the feelings.  Nothing more then the soreness of parenting alone, balancing work and life.  I couldn’t look or talk with my closest friends without crying, about nothing and everything.  Once it hit me, the reason for all my angst – I fully realized how powerful words are; even though I’m almost half way through my 2nd year of loss – deep down I feared that “this could be that”.  These feelings could be the 2nd year curse.  So after my epic cry session, I took myself to the bathroom, looked myself dead in the eyes, smeared mascara and all, and spoke life.  I told myself that my 2nd year would be better then the first year, and that loss doesn’t win, that my best days are coming – like they are really coming!  Just like that I was back.  Words of life will undo the lies we have heard and believed! I may have bad days, those are not set backs, life is hard and not only do we have to pull ourselves out of our funk by our boot straps at times, but we also get the privilege to speak life to our own lives! 

I can’t help but finish this blog with a little anecdote about Kenz.  This girl!  She is such a vibrant personality.  She is bold and thoughtful and is so talented.  You would never know these things about her if you watched her practice at swim though.  I really try to not be that Mom, but she has pissed me off with her lack luster strokes and effort many a time over the last few months.  Just for perspective she has been so slow that her coach couldn’t even time her!  One of my parenting strategies is to wait until the right moment to have the big talks.  After a comedy of errors in my schedule yesterday we had some time before swim practice to really talk.  I asked her if she was proud of the way she was performing at practice – this girl she maybe fighting the preteen attitude but she is nothing if she isn’t honest.  She said, “No I’m not proud sometimes I don’t even try!”  So we talked about how her Dad was a great athlete and that if she doesn’t do well and give her best effort in little things that don’t seem to matter she would never get the big things in life that do matter right.  I shared with her that the bible says every thing we do we should do it in way that makes the Lord happy – and asked her if God was watching you practice would He think you were giving your best effort?  I encouraged her that she really is better than the effort she gives and challenged her to do her very best.

The times she makes eye contact with me in most practices are never good – I usually am giving her the stink eye, but yesterday she looked at me a lot!  I was cheering her on.  She gave the best effort I’ve ever seen.  She cut her time and even beat a fast boy in the breaststroke!   She hugged me all wet right out of the pool, breathing hard and beaming, and promising that on Monday she’d do better then she did today!  Life is a lot like last nights practice.  We have to give it our best effort and be honest!  When you suck - call yourself on it, suck it up and do better.  You are your biggest cheerleader!  Look yourself dead in the mirror and speak life – believe for big things, muster up all of your faith and speak to yourself that your future is so bright much brighter then you can imagine………….and if you’re going to buy some new shades for this bright future I’d suggest some aviators – however black Channels are a trusty go to as well.

Shine bright like a diamond!

Sandy #teamdunn

[findingourjoy]

The Dance

Oh, you know when you have one of those days – when you feel like perhaps you should have just stayed in bed?  I had an entire weekend of that recently.  Nothing really happened, 2 sick kids, an unplanned repair, being overly committed, cancelling a quasi planned getaway; any of those things on their own would have been no problem for me with my Super-Mom cape, but together with no break - left me crying UNCLE, literally.  It’s so easy to let the details of our life get in the way of living.  I can always tell when I’m there – I have less grace for my kids, find myself rolling my eyes when I should be empathetic – you know those times when you feel like you have nothing else to give; but you still have laundry to do?

After screaming Uncle the other day I got quiet and devoted some time to not only talk to the Lord but to listen too.  I was feeling like no one was getting the best of me, not Kenz or Ace, or my friends, nor work/ministry life.  I’d actually prefer it if God would just come out and reveal the plan for my future, or at least talk in an audible voice so I can know exactly where my next step should be placed.  Faith doesn’t work like that unfortunately.  Generally, like teachers in the middle of a test, God often is quiet during such times.  I was lamenting this truth as I walked by some daffodils in the grocery store – those flowers have one job one purpose – be pretty and joyous and if you believe the Bible to bring glory to God. 

 I wrote last year that moments matter from the mundane - to the moments that take our breath away and stay with us forever.  I believe that God is writing the story of our lives, that His purpose - if we yield to it - can make our life story beautiful and epic.  When I look at the big picture I totally see it, the Hand of God penning my story.  Sometimes when I am having a moment I don’t see His hand though and often in those times feel overwhelmed and left alone.   This faith life is a lot like a dance.  When I was younger I did a fair amount of swing dancing, at best I was OK.  However, when I danced with a great partner who led well – my dancing ability improved significantly.  This made me think of God and the daffodil.  If I truly believe He is leading me to goodness then I can simply relax and enjoy the dance and just live my current purpose.  He is a good leader after all – this I know. 

Most afternoons my chickens and me have a dance a party – I play some ridiculous music and we get down.  There always is laughter and lightheartedness.  Whether we are having off days or a very good day – after dancing our sillies out things are always better.  I am blessed to not need childcare – my work life gives me the flexibility to pick my kids up from school when their days are done.  Often times this makes me feel like I have no real break – but yesterday in the midst of feeling like I am getting no answers from Heaven, it came clear as a bell.  I walked to pick up Mackenzie from school; I could see her round the corner.  And just then I heard the whisper of Grace, “All of the hopes and dreams you have for her, I have for you.”  Awwww!  Just what I needed.  Sometimes we are given just enough grace and love for the day - like ‘manna’.  I totally prefer to know the exact course for the next year of my life – but I will yield to an All Knowing Partner and enjoy the dance.

 My friend Renee, she is such a wise bee, recently told me something she had read, “I’ve never met a strong person with an easy past.” I am blessed to have friends who are anchors to me, who can tell me who I am when I temporarily forget.  In life we can’t always control the music that we dance to.  Some seasons are fun filled with today’s hits and yesterday’s slow jams.  Other seasons are filled with sad songs and suspenseful chilling scores.  The best Writer is still writing your story, so feel free to dance – seriously even if you have to play Vanilla Ice (OK, stop collaborate and listen – I know thats someone’s jam)!

Putting my dance shoes on and letting my Dance Partner Lead!

Sandy #teamdunn

[findingourjoy]

Widowed Thoughts......

As I write this there is a man hunt going on in San Jose.  An officer has been shot and killed, not since 2001 has that happened in this City.  My friend is an employee of SJPD, so for her this hits close to home.  What a terribly sad night.  As soon as I heard the news - my thoughts went to his wife and children - actually I am not even sure he has either. 

Two days ago my favorite blogger died, she succumbed to breast cancer that she had been fighting for several years.  She had written about her last days often.  I wasn’t shocked when it happened - but it took my breath away.  I cried for her husband and their 4 young kids.

No matter where life takes me, what ring I don or whose last name becomes my own, I, Sandy Dunn, will always be a widow - that will not always be the main narrative in my life - but it will always be my truth.  I’ll always know the hard places where there is no escape.  I will forever remember days where there is no comfort, rest, or peace.  I will always know this dark road these two families are on.  I wish I could speed up their time -  but only they can walk through the valley of the shadow of death that is their road.

I told Mackenzie about both these families, together we prayed for them.  I asked her specifically to pray for the children.  She prayed that they would be brave, and that they would trust that a new good life will come, that they would have confidence and not be scared.  I don’t know if I asked too much of my 8 soon to be 9 year old, but part of her story is losing her Daddy at the age of 7.  She cried, I held her and reminded her about the power of prayers - that they are words of life.

I am painfully aware that for both these families time is being warped - it is a crazy mixture of things moving slowly and quickly all at the same time.  Thinking of them makes me well up with tears - its an incredibly long time before they are stable, months and months.  This officer was shot at 7pm as soon as I heard about it a stop watch started in my head - at this point they are having an out of body experience, now they are making very hard phone calls.  I am 16 months out and I am well - whole even, but my heart breaks for those who become widows and widowers.

God certainly blesses the broken road, I pray His comfort is felt in these homes tonight!

Sandy #teamdunn

[findingourjoy]

Feeling Charmed & The Widow Card

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When I first met Asa I was so nervous.  Meeting Mackenzie, even though it took more then 30 hours and an emergency c-section, was a lot less pressure and frankly I was just plain tired when we met.  4 years later I would meet her brother.  Not in a hospital room, but in the living room of his Foster Family, surrounded by an attorney, an adoption specialist, and his social worker.  I remember not being able to eat that morning, drinking too much coffee and vacillating about outfits, “Does this say fun Mom – or does this say too fun this boy has no chance?”  “Does this say organized but not anal?”  Asking these questions while yelling across the room – “You are not wearing that – no you can’t meet him in a Raider’s shirt!!!”

Asa was not quite 1 when we met, and he was a crawler.  All of our interactions were being watched it was natural but nerve wracking too.  While playing with him on the floor he was attracted to a charm on a bracelet I was wearing.  As I moved it, he would smile slightly and crawl toward it - crawling toward me as well, that bracelet was our first connection.  Every time I see that charm it reminds me of early moments with my son.  I’ve since added more charms to the bracelet that he is hardly aware of anymore.  I decided years ago that after he marries I’d give him that bracelet.  It has special meaning to me, and I’d love to tell him the story of it! 

Last year at this time I was in Arizona figuring out life - leading a family of 3.  What would have been my 10thth year wedding anniversary was quickly approaching.  With the help of 2 of my California girl friends visiting that milestone passed with great fun, a Spring Training Giants game and just a few tears.  Jeff and I didn’t exchange Christmas gifts, but on our Anniversary we would get the good stuff.  I decided last year that I would honor each Anniversary by adding charms to my charm bracelets and give them both to my kids.  In 2004, I was amongst a cluster of brides who got married within 6 months of each other.  Seeing my friends celebrate another wedding anniversary is bittersweet.  I am grateful that the “why me" and "the I didn’t sign up for this” part of grief is passed – thank the Lord.  I am blessed that I can still celebrate all that my marriage was and can even gift myself with something special.  So in the coming days I’ll stop to celebrate and be grateful for the beauty of love and marriage – for many haven’t had that.  I’ll also celebrate the joy of parenthood – my marriage gave me the gift of 2 amazing kids. I wrote this in a blog last year - I didn’t have forever with Jeff - but I am grateful that he had us in his forever!                                       

 A few months into being a widow – I was talking with some friends and I said – “Well I can’t do that – I am a widow.”  If you know me you know I was likely joking.  One of my friends said, “Dude, how long are you going to play the widow card?”  Everyone else just kind of froze – you could hear the proverbial pin drop.  Over the last nearly 16 months, however, I’ve thought of that conversation and the Widow Card many times. 

There’s an old adage, “You have to play the cards you’re dealt.”  Such a simple even flippant saying but - it is true.  The cards we are dealt can make us strong if we don’t use them as excuses.  Some of my friends who have had a less than desirable upbringing are the best parents I know because they have a Kid of a Sucky Parent card – and have used it to make themselves a great parent.  I am reading about a man born into poverty, he looked around him and said this life isn’t for me and went onto an Ivy League University, became the Director of Neurosurgery at John Hopkins at the age of 33 and likely will run for the Presidency – he, at the very least, had a Single Mama card.   

 Our life molds us into different people; it gives us both advantages and disadvantages as we see things and experience life.  A friend recently referred to me as negative.  It sort of hurt my feelings.  I rebutted with, “I am a realist.”    Some days later I took a personality test it had 3 categories, Optimist, Pessimist or Realist.  I have always loved personality tests, often times I would give them to coworkers so I could see how best to work with them.  I’ve taken that test in the past - I was a raging Optimist.  Since the widow card has been issued though, it’s tempered me.  I now know that dreams can die.  You’re life can seemingly fall apart in just one hour.  The test proved it – I am a card-carrying realist now.  For me now the glass is neither half full nor half empty – as a Mom it’s just a glass I am going to have to wash. 

I’m in a place where I can finally see the benefits of carrying a widow card. I have sworn to be grateful in this new life and I can finally see the truth in being thankful for the trials of life; because if you let them they can perfect some not so perfect things in you.  The widow card has changed me, but I’ve learned not all the changes have been bad.  It has fortified me too.  I can in fact take care of myself, my car, and pay all my bills, whilst raising respectful kids.  The widow card made my faith grow exponentially, and made me brave enough to move from a very safe environment where I could clearly calculate my future in Arizona– to California where our destiny awaited us even though I couldn’t see the clear path ahead of me and sometimes still can’t.  Because of great loss I value things differently and don’t put work, time or emotion into superficial things.  I had the benefit of having a great marriage, it was fun and light; but I didn’t love Jeff like I will love my next husband.  The widow card has guaranteed that I’ll never take my next marriage for granted, I won’t sweat the small stuff, I’ll never leave things unsaid, and I’ll love harder – what amazing gifts such tragedy has given me. 

Life is!  Jeff had this saying that frankly got on my nerves, though I am seeing more and more truth in it, “It is what it is, until it isn’t.”  We are all where we are today, and have to play the cards we are dealt until our hand changes.  I promise to never use my widow card as a crutch – neither should you, whatever card you’ve been dealt.  We possess the power of choice, I was just reminding Mackenzie of this.  We can choose to let the cards of life cripple us or we can reshuffle them and ‘go all in’ in life.  These cards of life really can be like a launching pad helping us to reach far beyond what we could ever imagine. 

I hope you play the cards you have been given well and to your advantage.  Like me, you maybe saying, “this certainly isn’t the life I thought I would have – but it is a charmed one!”

Simply Charmed!

Sandy #teamdunn

[findingourjoy]

Trust Issues & Crying in my car

Last year in the early part of this journey naturally, I cried often.  I had (have) two very impressionable kids, who looked to me to gauge how we were doing and if we were going to be okay.  That time was a hard place, my kids couldn't be away from me for more then 10 minutes with out checking for me, to make sure that I was near to ensure they were safe and that nothing else would happen.  So my van became my place to cry.  Often, I would leave Asa with the "Manny", our Nanny Alex, get in the car to take Mackenzie to school and cry the second she got out of my car.  I'd cry from the parking lot of Terramar Elementary School all the way down Happy Valley Road, until it hit 19th Avenue at that point I'd have to pull it together so I wouldn't be puffy at work.  Sometimes, even now I cry for me then.  I was so hopeless and broken I had no way of knowing that healing would come, wholeness would manifest, life - a great life would emerge and I would trust the process of growth and life.  

Speaking of trust; I was recently asked by my Pastor to share a message on a Sunday morning.  He was doing a series called In God We Trust.  As many of you know I do have a degree in a thing called Theology - speaking about something I am passionate about, in front of people, is totally in my wheelhouse.  I have "preached" at Women's events, at conferences, in front of a few thousand people before - but I hadn't spoken on a Sunday morning and carried the main message.  One of the things the last 14 months have taught me is to be open and say yes.  I want my experience to motivate and encourage people so I generally come from a place of yes and try to embrace new opportunities. 

I talked about How to trust God in difficult times.  Boy is that something I know intimately - if you have read my blogs, you may remember me saying "I wanted to punch God in the face."  I know that sounds so irreverent - but in my brokenness I had to keep it real.   How do you trust someone you don't trust?  For me, a girl who has been apart of church culture my entire life, I had to navigate a new place - when my faith was completely rocked to remember that God is good.  Here are a bit of my notes and steps to rekindle trust when frankly you don't.  You can find my entire notes for this sermon here on City Encounter church's website.  

Trusting God in Hard Times

1) Make a choice.  The power of choice is one of the greatest powers we as humans have.  We can choose to change our lives, minds and attitudes.  Sometimes you just have to choose to trust.

2) Be honest to God.  We don't have to feign piety, God keeps it 100 (as they say), so why not keep it real with Him.  I believe while completely in a broken state, though my degree told me I should come to God with thanksgiving and praise - my reality told a different story.  I don't think everyone should wrestle with God and tell Him, "You know I could hit you" - but my honesty was a catalyst to real healing.

3) Pray.  Sometimes our prayer is "Calm the raging sea - get me out of this right now right now!" That couldn't be my prayer though - there was no deliverance that could change my reality.  Often times our best prayers are - "God teach me your goodness through this valley, or give me grace, faith, hope and love through this situation."  Talk to God, regardless of what you think, He is listening.

4) Read your Bible and Worship.  Seriously if you don't know what the Bible says about your situation how will your faith grow?  I can tell you that there isn't a widow story in the good book that I haven't read and gleaned something from.  When you put God first He has a way of lining everything else up in your life.  When things in your life have hit the "fan" you have to know ESPN can't help you nor can the Housewives of Beverly Hills.  In these times we literally have to Seek Him First.

5) Be Grateful.  Our attitudes either grow our faith like seeds in good fertilizer or a bad attitude can strangle our faith like a pesky weed.  Our greatest step in showing our trust in God is to be grateful and find joy in life no matter our life's situation. 

6) Be Generous.  Often times the very place you have the biggest need is a place you can be generous in.  We say this during the Holidays - "It's better to give then to receive."  Each Christmas we buy tons of gifts for our loved ones.  The best part for us is to watch our loved one open the gift we bought for them.  In times when we have a great need - one of the best things we can do is realize that whatever state we are in we can make someone's life better.  A few months after loss I realized I could encourage other widows and so I did.  With Jeff being the main provider I really never worried about my children's college education, it was a given with 2 able parents we would be able to help both of them through-out college.  Now as a Single Mom - it's a place I need to grow my trust that my dream to help my kids in college will still be realized.  One of our Nannies from Arizona decided to go to college in Australia.  She was raised by a Single Mama too.  I've decided to help her financially through out her College career in the land of Oz.  I can't pay her full tuition but my little bits are like seeds of faith for my own chickens. 

I hope these 6 points have encouraged you to keep the faith and trust that your best is yet to come - no matter where your life is today. 

Speaking of crying in my car more then a year ago - I cried in my car again today, on the way home from Kenzie's therapy appointment.  I cried because the girl who just taught one of the best sermon's I have ever taught on Faith and Trust is having to find new trust for new and bigger things.  In the next few months it will be time to spread my wings and fly - to do exactly what I came back to this Valley to do, create a good life for me and my children.  To find our own place, to leave this nest and figure out how the mechanics of financing this will work.  I know that God counts all my tears - He is fully aware of my story, my needs and wants - the best thing is I know He is able! 

Regardless of your trust issues, you have to have faith that better days are coming.  The start of your best life is around the corner and that though some nights are filled with concern worry and tears - right when the sun of a new day peaks out joy can come too.   I feel like someone needs to cue One Republic's song..........This Is Going To Be A Good Life, A Good Good Life!

To your very best life!

Sandy #teamdunn

[findingourjoy]

Advice Widows would give our Married Girlfriends & Seasons of Dating!

Dating and Waiting

Many of you will remember the book from the early 90s I Kissed Dating Goodbye OMG I think that book single handedly screwed up dating for Christian adults - um hello clearly one would need to get to know someone before they could make a decision to proceed or not - and generally the most effective way to do that is to spend time with the individual - um ladies and gentleman that usually is called dating.  Nevertheless I know many of you have wanted to know how dating is going for me - so I'll kiss and tell.

Since being back in the Bay I have gone on a several dates, ranging from coffee meet and greets to fine dining with a view of a beautiful bridge.  Seriously, dating is work y'all.  And rediscovering who you are post 40, as in what kind of Single person you are after not being single for over a decade only exacerbates the dating process.  Well in all honesty I did go on a few dates while living in Arizona, I can admit now I was no where near ready.  Dating while still finding the new you isn't wise - but I did it anyway - and I lived to write about.  I even joined the millions of single adults on Online Dating Sites - but like that crazy book title I can say - I've Kissed Online Dating Goodbye. 

Last summer - I was open too open even.  I went on several great dates with a Politician from Alameda.  Great guy, so great in fact that I thought I could be a liberal, like him.  Even when I was rediscovering myself last summer - my conservatism is as much apart of me as my joy.  On our last date this guy said, "You know I really like you, I am just not sure how much a really like you." Say what?  Spoken like a true politician.  Dating Mr. Alameda was fun and good for my ego, he helped me realize that I could be with Mr. Right now or keep it moving for Mr. Right. 

In the Fall I tried my hand at Online dating.  If you don't know what Tinder is or Coffee meet Bagel - count yourself lucky.  Though I did meet a few nice guys for coffee - we never were looking for the same things.  I even tried a Christian Online Dating service.  Online Dating just isn't my bag- I considered it because I work for a wedding photographer from home, I also help at my church in the dungeon errrr Children's Church - I was just really trying to play the odds.  My goal was just to be open - but people are so complex reading a one paragraph self marketing campaign and looking through someone's most flattering selfies won't yield what I'm looking for.  Though it's certainly nice to sit across from a man who wants to be sitting across from you - I am grateful for the interest that has come my way - but I want so much more than that. 

This winter has me realizing - I don't want to date randoms - I want an amazing connection, a deep friendship and someone that shares not only my ideologies but my faith as well and some one who would thrive at coparenting.  I am fortunate to know how amazing a great relationship can be.  So though I am open and dare I say ready- I totally believe that my best relationship is yet to come!  I hella miss kissing though - I won't lie, not that I kissed any of those dates or anything!

Hey Married Girls!!!!

I remember the first time it happened it was February 2014 - I was in Arizona Facetiming with Jenn - her husband D'Andre said something to her that made her eyes roll - and I laughed because there was no man saying things that made me crazy.  I also showed her my full garbage can that had been full all day - there was no man for me to ask to take it out either.  A few months later at a picnic my girlfriend ordered the wrong sandwich for her husband, he was lamenting about onions and that it was totally inedible - she looked at me  and we had an entire conversation in that one look, yep not my problem!  Over the last 14 months my married friends would cringe, out of sensitivity, as they'd share a complaint or a marriage issue with me......but listen anyone who has managed to stay married for nearly a decade or longer - what do they say?????  You are doing the dang thing, even if you're white knuckling it sometimes!

I am grateful I don't have many regrets from my marriage but as your suddenly single sister I do have some sage advice!  So here goes.......

BE NICE

The other day I was talking to my girlfriend, her husband had just dropped the ball, totally professionally goofed.  And he was needing some encouragement.  His mess up totally effected her too.  I told her, "You know you need to encourage him, write him a note or a text or send him an email but tell him he's amazing and your confident that he will get it right, and there is no one like him!"  I know sometimes just being nice feels like another to do on a long list of things needing to be done.  I wrote a blog last year where I compared marriage to a mullet - it really is business in the front and party in the back.  Us women set the atmosphere in our homes, when you're funky everyone is funky.  Often times while we are balancing kids, homes, jobs and marriage being nice seems like one more person needing a piece of you!  Say nice things, do nice things, the thing with kindness is it just brings more kindness.  Take time this week and do something sweet and undeserving for your husband - it will come back to you and being nice just feels better then letting all of your crazy out!

RESPECT

There's a song about this.  I should insert the video so we can all dance!  I'm a reader, I love to read because its like free education, Ain't nobody got time to go back to college - so essentially when I need more information on something I pick up a book.  While I was single I read every book I could on maximizing my singleness, when I was married I read tons about making your marriage a healthy and fun one.  I've had lot's of relationships with men through the years, friends, a husband, bosses - men need respect.  Asa is in a super hero phase - he loves wearing a cape!  I've used this to my advantage a lot this week, "Asa can you be a super hero and put away all your toys - see how fast you can get it done?  Asa super hero's don't have potty accidents."  Asa is motivated to be a good listener because I am respecting the cape not because I'm happy to wield a wooden spoon.

Men are simple, but they need to be respected - held in a high (the highest even) regard by their wives.  It's tricky sometimes for a wife though, no one knows a husband better then a wife, we know their biggest flaws, their awful habits, their propensity for forgetting the only thing they went to the store for.  In the daily grind of life we get too familiar; it's easy to roll our eyes, say every thought that comes through our head, poke fun at a weakness and build habits of disrespect. 

Someone recently asked me if I'd take the advice I am giving out in this blog, here's what I say to that.  YES!  I was married to man who wanted to change careers in the middle of life - in the MIDDLE of our safe secure life!  He's dream stressed me out, cost us money, and I much preferred a pay check that came every two weeks.  I said no such thing to him.  I respected his dream and encouraged him.   Now some of my closest friends heard what I really thought.  Going forward one of the first questions I'll ask is - do you anticipate completely changing your careers, 'cause ain't nobody got time for that! 

Seriously though highly regard your man.  Do things that show him you respect him and that he is better then amazing (even if that's not how you always feel).  You have the ability to make your husband feel like he can do anything - why let your mouth and attitude make him feel like he can't?  Respect the Cape!

SEX

I admit that this is coming from a girl who is not having any - my views may be slightly skewed.  The thing is IS so many of you aren't either!  Look I know you're tired, between work, and having small children, laundry, cooking - you just want to go to bed at the end of the night.  I remember when Asa was little and wasn't walking, having a child who needed to be carried everywhere and a 4 year old who wanted to snuggle - my touch quota surpassed my need to be touched by noon!  Thing is though, your husband needs sex as much as he needs respect.  And if you're doing it right, hello it's not bad time spent.  Everyone is overly busy these days so even if you have to schedule sex do that.  Nothing bonds 2 people more than intimacy!  While I am on the sex topic, throw away your really old, ugly and worn out underwear, go buy something that makes you feel pretty and inspires you!  You know what to do from here get on it (literally) - and DO IT!

REMEMBER WHY IT STARTED

Jeff and I had a couples small group.  We would always encourage them to pull out their wedding photos and remember why it started.  Marriage starts because 2 people are deeply in love and want to do life together, make memories share dreams.  Years in though, we are saddled with careers, raising kids, paying mortgages, hoping to afford college.  We didn't get married to balance check books and schedules even though those are important things to do in the grind of daily life.  It didn't start there.  It started with exciting dates, lot's of laughter and fabulous chemistry.  Pull out your books, look at your photos - look at your joy and the love you had for each other!  That's why you're together!

Whether you're waiting, dating or married a huge lesson I learned one December is life is a vapor.  Literally seize today, choose joy and contentment - because tomorrow the winds of change can blow.  I hope the winds blow in new love, renewed love or just plain grace for another day!  Put on some good lip gloss and be ready, Single Girls make eye contact and be confident that you are enough just the way you are! Married friends remember that guy who always misses the hamper and snores like a bear once inspired you to wear the good lip gloss too!

All the love!

Sandy #teamdunn

[findingourjoy]

Realizations and Cultivating Character....or characters.....

My kids are off this week for Ski Break……I know you would think I moved to Vail, right?  And let me be clear, this is neither Winter Break nor Spring Break this is a random week off.  My friend always says, “I should have been a teacher.”  The only thing that stops me from making this my mantra is the thought of being trapped in a room with 25 8 year olds - oh the horror.

I promised my kids big breakfast this week, they are still asleep but I am up cooking.  Ahem, cooking soft and crispy bacon for Mackenzie, and waffles for Asa the way he likes them - “Mommy not hard I don’t like my waffles bery bery hard.”  Sometimes I think - What have I done?  I recently picked Mackenzie up from a birthday party, as we were leaving the Mom of the celebrant said, “Mackenzie is so funny and respectful and she definitely knows what she likes!”  You know as soon as Mackenzie was buckled in I started asking questions about the day - but specifically I wanted to know why that comment was made.  Kenzie isn’t shy, she’s loud like me and bold (even bolder then I am at times) - yesterday in Target she told a lady she had something on her forehead - my eyes bulged a bit when I realized it was Ash Wednesday. 

One thing I knew I wanted to do as a parent was to cultivate individualism in my children - the thought was let them be the fullness of who they are and pull back the reigns when they have crossed a line.  I remember a family member disagreeing with me on this - their thoughts were polar opposite and they thought my way, by giving such freedom and choice, would result in raising brats (their word not mine).   Mackenzie is 8; I kind of want to yell at all my friends that have raised girls and never warned me that the eighth year of life is a crazy place.  This kid is trapped - she isn’t a child but isn’t a preteen either.  Her mouth seems trapped too - it visits a place called attitude and smart-alackville too often.   Yesterday I asked her to do something and her answer to me was, ” I SAID I WILL!”  Sweet Jesus - again I thank you for self control just thinking about it, lol!  Naturally, she lost all things important to her, and being a card carrying “Spanker” I doled out some corporal punishment.  Kenzie is sensitive, I really can count the number of times that child has been spanked in her life.  After she was over the shock of being spanked I asked if she wanted to snuggle.  She did, and cried and asked if I would pray for her that she would start thinking before she talks.  I did, and told her I still need to work on thinking before I speak too.

Yesterday I wanted to go to San Francisco, to hike a bit, hang out in Golden Gate Park and just have fun - Mackenzie said - “You know Mom we go there too much plus I don’t want to eat in San Francisco today.”  Seriously if my Mom offered to take me to The City at 8 the answer would be yes all day!  I love that my kids know what they want.  While running errands with both kids in tow - they made me laugh playing their silly games in grocery stores, their strong opinions made me laugh too - “Mommy I won't eat that don’t buy it.”  In Costco Kenzie turned to me and said, “Mommy I know why I can’t talk to you with attitude, because if I talk like that to you and it becomes a habit then I’ll talk like that to my teachers and they won’t like me very much. And if I had a job and talked like that then I could get fired.” Oh its these moments I’m assured they are getting it - the times when they act "the fool" aren’t a total loss.

Each day I walk Mackenzie to school - she likes me to walk her all the way to her classroom in the mornings but wants to walk home by herself.  A few weeks ago, on our walk to school, she was talking about her Dad.  She had just attended a student leadership training at a local church where several kids told her, “I remember your Dad from summer camp, he was so funny” and “Your Dad was my camp counselor he let us do anything!”  She was telling me her own funny stories about her Daddy too.  I was so happy for her - generally Kenz only talks about Jeff when she is missing him.  I told her how proud of her I was and that she is really making progress in her journey. 

It was that very morning I realized that my kids really got the shorter end of this stick.  Not that I compare losses - the first few months of loss I was a complete mess.  Holding it together during the day for the sake of my kids and my job - but not sleeping or eating at night - this would generally lead to sobbing break downs and screaming, “I didn’t want this life I never signed up for this!”  Those fits of brokenness had to be scheduled for the most part.  Now that I am more “whole” than I have been I see Asa and Kenzie’s loss differently.  I believe one of the chief roles in a Father’s life is giving identity.  For years when you married, every woman took their husbands name.  I know that seems more like an option these days but what it symbolizes is significant - not only is a Man the cornerstone of a family - often times he is the provider, protector and leader of his home - his name not just giving identity but a covering too.  I saw both my kids look to their Dad when they weren’t sure if they were OK.  When they would fall hard, Jeff would scream - “You’re safe!”, as if they had just slid into home plate - both their eyes would look to him to make sure they’d be ok - they would run to me for a hugs and kisses.  Jeff, when addressing single men would say, “If you are going to be a good husband you better have the ability to be the Provider, Protector and Priest of your home.”  He was that for us.  I never bargained on being a Single Mom, but my kids never planned on not having a Dad.  I’d like to remarry but my kids need a Father - one here on earth in their daily lives.   It’s hard for me to not get teary each night when they remind God that they want a New Daddy. 

I often laugh that the very thing I think my kids need the most, grace to get through this life while always having a missing piece, and justice that this hard life would be made fair in a way - Justice and Grace are their middle names.  Little did we know while naming them the importance of those second names.  

Life has a way of cultivating our character if we let it.  We can be open to cultivation and have self realizations, like Kenzie did on a random aisle at Costco or not.  Just like I hope my parenting style develops my kids into compassionate respectful individuals - we have to let life develop us too.  Whether you’re needing Grace to get through a life you had never planned on, or Justice to get you through unfair trails, I hope you keep your joy!  My car is a virtual karaoke on wheels my kids have been singing this song - one song to the point of making me nuts - but here is the main line………

"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish.”

Best wishes for you to find all that you’re looking for!

Sandy, #teamdunn

PS - Next week Im dropping a blog entitled Advice Widows would give our Married Girl-friends! It will be a bit racey and a bit sarcastic but I think packed with lots of truth.  I’ll also talk about my last 2 months experience with online dating - I do see your comments and questions about my dating life - I’ll answer all of them!