flabwahn-blog1

[flabwahn-blog1]

I’m starting a blog for me. I don’t actually want anybody to read it I just need somewhere to dump because I can’t afford counselling and my support system is just non existent. Since my 25th birthday I came to this horrible realisation that my support system (barely if any) was a complete fraud and I watched it crumble before me leaving me feeling like I have wasted the last 10 years on people who have no respect for me whatsoever.

I am one of 6 children with a broad range of personalities. The eldest Michael, is hardworking, has never touched drugs or cigarettes, rarely drinks and lives with his wife and has been with her for over 10 years and for this I am so proud of him. He has achieved the most considering he was dyslexic and has been called thick his whole life with people constantly reminding him he could never achieved anything. Now, he is above and beyond all of us by leaps and bounds. However, he has realised this and sits very highly on a pedestal. In his eyes, he cannot do any wrong because of the stark difference between him and the rest of us siblings. The result of this, he has the absolute incapability to apologise, recognise his flaws or acknowledge he can upset anybody because he feels so strongly about his opinions, which isn’t a bad thing but it causes huge grudges within the family. When he has a thought in his head - a mild assumption - he believes it too be true, This is turn results in this thought becoming verbal, and he has no hesitation in telling all family members this thought as if it’s the truth and he really does believe it himself. I picked my nose in his car, and he thinks I had been sniffing cocaine. Rather than discuss this with me, he told the whole family this was the truth when it wasn’t. Now we don’t talk, because I wanted an apology. This may seem very high and mighty, which I understand. But when we upset him he refuses to speak to anybody unless we apologise and kiss the ground he walks on. So without an apology, I will not entertain the relationship anymore. I was so hurt, and as I am getting older I am beginning to realise that you may be my brother, but that doesn’t mean anything. If someone in the street did this to me, I wouldn’t accept it. Having the title of brother means nothing, it doesn’t give any right to treat or accuse me like this. So that’s the first relationship that died for me. Michael was my favourite brother, I always admired his honesty and his big heart. I miss him so much, but my stubbornness won’t falter right now because I’ve always been a doormat, and now I have stood up to him our relationship has gone.

My brother Craig, the second eldest is again a hard working man, he has respect for women and in recent years I have noticed how good he can be. Me and him are very similar where as we feel like the black sheep of the family. I can’t relate to him though, his experiences have been more horrendous than mine and I would never say I can imagine how he felt because that would be an insult to him. As the black sheep growing up, he was subjected to bullying day in and day out from members of his own family, his support system and his own parents. I am ashamed to admit at times I was involved and is probably one of my biggest regrets considering the place I am in at the moment with my family. If you ever see this Craig, know I am sorry from the very bottom of my heart. You are a good man and you didn’t deserve what happened to you. But to see you achieve now with your skating, your beautiful girlfriend and home, I know you’re so much stronger now and I am so proud of you. Out of us 6, you probably are the most empathetic brother I have, you listen to me and don’t make it a competition of who has had it worse or try to invalidate anything I have felt. You are a good ear and the rest of this family doesn’t see you for what you are, because you detached yourself from us all, and I don’t blame you. Sometimes you think you know it all, but you’re just you. I accept it when we chat, but I know it’s you demonstrating that you only have my best interests at heart. 

Then it’s Paul. I don’t think I have ever come across anybody in the street like Paul. But then again if I did, I wouldn’t see that side I see with Paul with anybody else because I don’t live with them. Hate is a strong word, and believe me when I say I hate him. I know he is my brother but again this is just a title. This doesn’t mean I have to like him or love him. In his world, Paul is number one and nobody will ever come first not even his own children which just baffles me. He is a bully, he shouts and shouts when you try to confront him about just about anything because he knows he will win. To a point where he knows this, and knows no one can be bothered or have the guts to confront him anymore because of his reactions and he abuses this. Not many people can bring the worst out in me but he does each and every time and I am so ashamed he can do this to me. My dad works long hours and hard days, he has no issues with waking him up every morning whether its making a cup of tea, blowing his nose (he has a cocaine problem and if anyone knows a cocaine addict blowing their nose it’s not quiet) or just moving around. And he generally believes it does not matter because he needs to do those things and does not care about any consequence, he is completely incapable of recognising he has the ability to upset people, acknowledge it or even show any remorse for it. I moved back home a month ago, and my only lay in is on Saturdays. He wakes me up around 6am every single weekend without fail. I came home from an 18 hour shift, and the dog had wet herself indoors. I came indoors and trod in it, and noticed footprints around the whole home from him where he’d seen in, walked in it and ignored it and my heart just broke. I looked at that pile of wee, and knew exactly what he thought of me and that is a maid. His opinions of women are very outdated in the sense we have a place in the home and he would not dare lift a finger because that’s not his job. And that’s how he sees me, just a maid who belongs at home and couldn’t even take 5 minutes to clean it up because he felt it was my job. It broke my heart my own brother thinks so little of me, I can’t grasp it. He has the complete inability to even clean up after himself unless it benefits him directly such as his own bedroom. He refuses to wash up because he strongly feels that is my job and makes no hesitation to remind me that this is my job not his. Whenever he gets a girlfriend I feel so sorry for them because all they do is blame themselves for his actions when they don’t realise he has always been the same. He was bullied when he was younger massively, and in turn this made him into a bully. He is so scared about being the victim again he makes damn sure that everyone around him knows hes the alpha male to make sure this never happens again to him. The lack of respect for everyone around him just baffles me again. I would happily never ever speak to him again or see him again, and if he dropped off of this planet I would feel no remorse or grief. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I am only human.

Then there’s Jack. Jack is a wonderful person, the biggest heart and genuinely cares for anyone he loves. I have never met anybody that dislikes him because he makes you feel so valued and that you matter. Jack has empathy, sympathy and knows how to make you laugh and diffuse the situation. But this side of him I rarely see anymore, because he has a serious and big problem with cocaine. I lost the Jack I loved because of that drug, watching the mood swings, the thieving, to come second to the drug itself broke my heart. But I knew he needed help and because of how he was I knew he deserved the help and did everything in my power to give it to him. I tried to build his self-esteem, his self-worth and his confidence. But time after time over the last 8 years, he has stolen from me, degraded me, abused me and more. He doesn’t work and hasn't done so consistently for the last 5 years. I took him to get his haircut every month to give him some self worth, we went to dinner every week, everything I ever had I shared with him because I knew he had nothing and I didn’t want him to go without. I shared my cigarettes, my weed, my soul, my paycheck with him in a desperate attempt for him to realise he could have those things himself and to try and give him confidence to know he deserves more than what he is currently doing. But on my birthday we had an argument, only petty for throwing rubbish out of my car and I told him off - he sent me multiple voice notes telling me he hates me, I’m a slag, I mean nothing to him etc. After spending so many years doing what I did, hearing that made me snap and I gave up. I feel guilty every single day worrying where he is, what he’s doing, if he’s safe. But I realised at some point I had to come first for me, because I knew I would never come first in his world only the drugs. I keep a picture of him with me all the time, but I know I am waiting for the day when  I get a call telling me he didn’t make it. Because I know before he’s 30 this will kill him. But I can’t sacrifice myself anymore for him, it was destroying me. 

I can’t finish this tonight. I’ll finish this tomorrow. I need somewhere to put my story.