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I've been deeply sad for over a decade and no one has ever taken a step to help me. Lonely is not even the right word. To describe how insignificant I feel would be beyond any existing language
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I don't know why anyone even gives a shit about how I feel. Based on all the commotion I've dealt with surrounding my own emotional state I can't see why anyone wouod generally care.
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Not actively doing anything about it because I'm too fucking incapable of taking action, but definitely do have some honestly-want-to-die feelings
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I think I might have that day dream mental illness. I literally spend hours of my day imagining a different version of myself and my life. Its why I'm so obsessed with alternate universe sci fi shit
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I wish I could reach out to yall in the sane way. Because now I need it more than ever before
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I really wish I could re write my entire high school life. If I had access to a time machine I would go back to freshman orientation.
Freshman year I would have said that I needed help because of the level of anxiety I had. I also would have prevented my large friend group from crumbling apart because of some guy who later went on to literally tell me to kill myself! He was never worth it.
Sophomore year I got on birth control and I wish I had taken advantage of it. I had a crush on the guy who liked me and no matter what I know about him now, I wish I had done something about it. I also wish I was less pretentious about drinking and smoking weed. And more pretentious about homophobia.
Junior year i would have been playing bass at a much more impressive level than I made it sound like if I had gotten the help and also the confidence that I truly needed at the time. I also would have gone for the guy I liked despite the fact that someone I was only kinda friendly with also liked him. She went for it so why shouldn't I have??? And I would have figured out a way to perform at the talent show. I wish people knew what I was like behind the scenes instead of slipping into oblivion. And hiding behind my hair and my glasses.
Senior year i wish I had just cut off the people who ruined my high school experience. I wish I went to homecoming. I wish I had been playing the talent show because high school is the time to be bad at things while you are still learning. I wish I had told more people how stupid, ignorant, racist, homophobic or transphobic they were being.
But here's the thing. When you grow up depressed, you don't realize that all these things could have been changed at any point down the line. I look back and feel some regret because I could have used resources more effectively, I could have practiced things that I feel stupid for not knowing know, I could have formed a group of friends that I never end up wanting to drop or abandon. But I did the opposite of what I now want. Because I didn't know any better. But still, it is so so painful to look back on and see so much potential in myself that I let go to waste. And now some of these harmful practices that I started at such a young age transfer into my adult life. And I may be at a better place to actually address these issues, sure, but I can't help but kick myself for some of these things. Maybe that's because my depression is as bad as it was when I was in high school for the first time since then. But I can't help how I feel (especially unofficially diagnosed, without meds or a therapist). And it is so hard to put into words. Its so hard to explain this when I have no friends from high school left who might understand. Is it for the best, though? Now I'm not so sure.
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This is why I tell people I didnt and still don't like this show





masterpost of spongebob moments that dealt psionic damage to my 7 year old self (absolutely non-comprehensive)
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I am absolutely miserable here. You dont tell me she texts you. So I look into it on tour phone. What choice do you leave me? I dont want to be like this....
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Seriously look at your fucking self. Yes, I have had to do it. YOU forced me to. But when you start living in reality and not tour fucked up, manipulative and unhealthy head you'll see. You'll see your a crazy asshole! Assuming I was a scape goat? For your the end friendship with my friend? That the real reason was that she was running away from feelings for you? What the fuck.
What really happened is that you were such a piece of shit. You treated me horribly, ignored every boundary I set up, and then were horrified with me if I did something you didnt like. As if that's fair. As if that's how interpersonal relationships work. So my friend saw this and then realized you did this to her to! It opened her eyes! You were doing all the damage yourself! If she was attracted to you she would've gone for it!
You think you're looking so deep into things, but really, you're just twisting reality in a way that will make you feel better and my friend even worse. Fuck you.
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Oh how I wonder about you. And how I wish that some day I can tell you all about it. How I feel now. And in a way that I won't end up feeling guilty about it.
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Every day during this quarantine I have been thankful to myself for loving out of my old apartment and getting away from my atrocious old roommates.
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I'm not friends with anyone I grew up with anymore. I never really fit in fully, I had real connections but I dont think I was going to become the person I am today if I was to maintain all those relationships. I'm relieved that I dont have to keep up with this anymore, but I'm also feeling down about it lately. I'm scared I'll go through this loop again. That in another 10 years my life will look completely different again. I dont want to lose these relationships I have now. I'm in love and feel secure in my group of friends. I love spending my time with the people that I do now. I love sharing my life and my love with them. I'm scared that one day I'll just lose all sense of how great my life actually is right now.
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Sometimes I'm scared I'm still apathetic as I was when I was a lonely teenager and I just dont know it. Like yeah my life turned out pretty much how i wanted it to. But sometimes I feel like I dont feel as strongly about things as I should....
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I wish my grandma was still alive. I feel like she would be fun to talk to now that I'm older. I wish I appreciated her more when I was a kid.
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