floppingspectacularly

[floppingspectacularly]

i don't know if im being suicidal or just overwhelmed but i have given up on myself i can't seem to get anything done and nothing really feels good anymore even when it rarely does i still feel all guilty and pathetic like i don't deserve to be happy. this has been going on for a while maybe months or years i stopped counting. went through a phase where id wakeup every morning in tears wishing i never did but nowadays i just go through the motions and thinking of how better everyone's life would be if i never existed. suicide is too pathetic and too risky what if i end up paralyzed of really ill everybody would know what i did. it also hurts people that im already hurting while alive i keep thinking they'll get over it soon enough and have a happy fulfilling life with me no longer around and even though i can't wrap my head around the idea of someone loving this excuse of a person i would just prefer to save them the unnecessary upset. i hate writing pity rants like this. ive given up on myself and my loved ones are slowly beginning to give up on me too. i know im still very young and a lot unknown joys await in the future maybe a loving pet or a satisfying moment but i don't know if i can ever have a good time without feeling guilty about it. i simply struggle to believe i am worth the effort i should be putting in myself so i dont put in the effort and disappoint myself over and over until ive confirmed that i am not worth the effort and the cycle repeats itself until it gets too much and i think it just got too much. i don't know what else to say but i guess ill post this on the internet just in case things don't feel too bad anymore and i can update this post and maybe just maybe give out some hope even though ive been waiting for that day for years i don't believe its coming anymore so yeah this might be a semicolon or a fullstop we'll wait and see.

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it's clear that they were fighting but id like to imagine it as a love story

Will they fall on their feet as they say?

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first month of uni got me inspired

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Fuck calories, me and my homies hate calories fr

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what happened to me i used to purge the smallest of meals and now i binge eat even when im full

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so much of my hair has been falling out and the front of my scalp is pretty visible so today i took some pictures from the back and saw the bald spots (i guess you can call them that) i don't have access to buy multivitamins but im trying with castor oil i know it's mainly genetics but im feeling very devastated idk

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so i made this meme..

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bruhhh these past few days ive let myself go my my mom goes to gatherings and brings back food my dad goes grocery shopping and brings back food and its good food that i usually cant weigh so i just eat it but i cant purge it either because making myself sick literally makes me sick and gives me bad headaches and i have finals this week so i cant be sick so im stuck with all this food in my stomach and i hate it ¦:)

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why the fuck did i binge now i have to spend the next week just laying around putting all of my energy to trying to just not eat but i have finals so can't do that and why the fuck is this a problem i have to deal with like oh no i can't just pathetically wither away on my bed how sad is that. basically i have to study and fast but lately ive been getting progressively worse at both.

when your fucked up brain and reality inevitably clash:

[floppingspectacularly]

forced myself to eat some low-ish cal soup so that i can feel full and not binge.

p.s: writing this while binging

p.s.s: god do i want to purge so bad but i hate how it feels and i already hurt my throat from last time

p.s.s.s: just wasted a bunch of blueberries making a mug cake that im gonna chew and spit out

p.s.s.s.s: guess who has a final exam in two days and didn't study? not me. i only have one day to study

[floppingspectacularly]

restricting but never being underweight or loosing your period and purging but not enough times to fit the diagnostic criteria so that you're never sick enough 😗✌️

do you think you look like this rat over here? well then you must be really cute you cute little rat.

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just had red velvet and now im trying to purge it out but i haven't done that in a while so my throat really hurts but i can't tell if the red is from the red velvet or blood but i also dont care and that kinda scares me

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bitchs be like "romanticizing fall" maybe romanticize that hair fall bitch go eat something.

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my friend told me about how she lost her period because of undereating and i got a little too excited because i felt like finally someone i can talk to about this but then i got scared for her like are you eating okay now please don't do this

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Rules to prevent it from going too far

🌹Don’t lower your goal weight. Ever. Don’t forget that it’s enough.

🥀 When your stomach passes the flat point and starts caving in you’ve gone to far and you need to stop that shit.

🌷If you’re passing out at work you need to eat more.

🌺 If it’s too hard to lift normal things such as milk jug, PlayStation, table chairs, you need more calories.

🌸 Don’t work out every day of the week.

🏵️ When you find yourself saying “fuck this” and eating everything in your house, you’re restricting too hard.

🌻 Always drink lots of water throughout the day whether or not you’re fasting.

🌼 Keep in mind that you may gain and loose the same 3 lbs of water or food weight throughout the week and it’s not fat.

💮 If you really feel the need to eat, eat. And don’t feel bad about it.

Please add more 💐

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especially when you run out of the same foods you eat every day and suddenly you have to come up with a new dish you can make with minimal purging urges

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me: i don't just want to lose weight, i want to loose fat and keep it of which means i have to lose it gradually and be on a calorie deficit but not too low because a starving body holds on to every source of energy including fat, and i also want a toned body which means building muscle to both tone and increase my metabolism so eating is important and having a piece of what im craving now is better than cutting it out and then binging on packs of that craving later. i will focus more on performance and how im feeling. i got this. absolutely no reason to starve myself of be scared of food.

brain: but do you deserve the food tho? you're definitely not the daughter your parents work so hard to provide for, are you?

*starves*