fluffypeonies

[fluffypeonies]

post dated rant from d1 uop

Ok i was debating if i should even write this bc it Shouldn’t be a big deal but i should also learn to confront and deal w/ my emotions and not ignore/let them fester for my entire life. Keep in mind that i’ve had a long week since last wed and i just finished all 3 of my exams and was awaiting the results of my practical from this morning, so anything honestly could have set me off. 

We were in simlab again practicing new hand skills and it was clear that all of us were dead tired but still attempting to do stuff. All of a sudden i hear this loud cheering and whooping and i assume someone has a bday or something or some good news. A few minutes later, i see one of my classmates run up and hug this guy who i recognized as one of the alternate students. The good news reached my area of the simlab that he was accepted into our class and was officially class of 2021 like the rest of us. Everyone was running up to him and congratulating him. I was also elated myself and wanted to go up to him to say congrats but i thought that would be weird since we never spoke since the first day w/ the alternates meeting. Then i find out that the other alternate, a girl (there are 2 every year) was also accepted. I was shocked since what was the chance of 2 people dropping from the course? Still very happy for them both. Then i realize that no one had dropped from the course. They just decided to take on 2 extra people to have a class of 146 in our year. I start to get this sinking feeling in my stomach along w/ my anxiety from not knowing how i did on the practical + on top of the stress from everything else. I suddenly felt like the school had not treated me with the same respect as they had treated the two alternates this year. 

Last year i remember always being left out and questioning if things applied to me. I remember always going up to instructors and asking what i should do and explaining what an alternate even was, because they did not know that this position even existed. I was not in the system. I did not have access to canvas. I had to take the initiative to get access to canvas during my fourth week of attending classes with two follow ups because i was always forgotten. I told myself that it was fine and that this was to be expected since i was not officially part of the class. Chase, the other alternate, was more vocal about his discontent. I would agree with him but i was also hesitant to complain since this was such a good opportunity. I remember the first day when it was time to take id pictures for badges to get access thru security. We went and took our pictures, but we never received any badges. We got accosted by security many times because they thought we were trespassing, and i had to enter with other people and get a visitor’s badge every day. The new alternates didn’t have to do that. During sim lab i would watch people practice their hand skills but i was not allowed to even touch an instrument due to liability issues. This year they have their own desk and are allowed to practice with everyone with their own tools. I am glad they get this experience, but i can’t help but feel jealous and wish that i had the same kind of access too. I am not sure if my experience last year was the reason behind all of these new changes. I honestly felt hurt that if they could take on 2 extra students this year, why couldn’t they accept 1 more student last year, since chase decided to wait another year? Was i not good enough? Did i not make a good enough impression? I don’t know.

Another thing that made me sad was that so many people were so happy and proud to have these two in our class, but i know that if i had gotten in last year, i would have gotten a lackluster response. I remember everyone already had their own groups or just stuck with their roomies all of the time. I would consistently hide out in the bathroom during lunch because i wouldn’t have anyone to talk to. My attempts to make conversation with other people were ignored because they knew i was an alternate and therefore was not going to stick around, so why even bother? I was definitely spiraling down at this point and was trying really hard to keep it together during simlab since i was still in class. 

I also felt like, as petty as it was, it was unfair. I felt like i always fought tooth and nail for everything whereas other people did not. They were normal and i was abnormal. I applied to university in high school. I got accepted. I end up going to community college at the very last minute. I work hard in cc. I end up just applying for a guaranteed acceptance to davis. It felt like my work was not actually paying off. The satisfaction was not there. I was just sliding into everything. At uop i was an alternate. I worked hard that month to see if i would be accepted. I wasn’t and had to wait a year. I felt like i was always last minute sliding into things and barely hanging on. But other people simply apply, get accepted, and go. I know that how i got to places doesn’t matter because i am here now but it really contributes a lot to my imposter syndrome. That i don’t actually belong anywhere. That i just force my way in and people just are unaware that i barely got through the door. 

I know that people actually do care about me and that i made an impression last year but these were just thoughts that constantly circulate my mind, whether or not if i am aware of them. I think my table partner, brandon, noticed and asked if i was ok. I said no and he asked me physically or mentally and i replied mentally. He seemed to understand that i wasn’t just having it today and reassured me that “those days” just really suck and that i should take the rest of the day off when i get home. At this point i really wanted to cry tbh since i always am prone to crying when someone tries to comfort me when i am down. I was also certain that i had failed my practical because according to my self eval i had done something that was considered “clinically unacceptable”. Our row was called to get our grades and i refuse to look at it until i got back to my desk. Luckily i barely passed and brandon gave me a hug and i just felt a lot better about everything.

Honestly i think this is just a lot of stress building up and i am truly happy for the alternates for officially getting into our class. I just wish things had gone differently for me but at the same time i met a lot of nice people in my current year so i should just accept that the past is the past and i’m glad they are improving things for new alternates.

[fluffypeonies]

hey. it's been a while.

i'm a little surprised to see that my bio still says i'm 23. that's how long it's been since i have updated this blog. i would have liked to report that it was a good thing since that means that i was very busy/doing well, but i have definitely had lots, and i mean LOTS, of rough patches since the last update. i just used different social media to express myself or i was able to talk to someone about my problems instead.

anyway, i'll jump right into it.

a lot has happened since. in most ways, i'm still the same person with anxiety and depression running unchecked, surfacing at the most random times with mood swings and bouts of loneliness. i still fixate on 1 souring friendship and worry constantly about how i can fix things, when i know now it is not within my control. past me has had great advice where i should let people come to me and stop trying so hard, especially when that effort can be one of the issues in itself. i don't want to be a nuisance or annoyance to anyone, and if they wanted to talk, then they would reach out to me. i don't have to be the one to be the bigger person and always initiate. i've seen some effort within the past week but now that i'm replying semi normally again it seems like they have withdrawn again.

i'm just sad. sad that i've been losing friendships and i know people have been saying that's what adulting is like but i thought i somehow missed that curve ball because if we've been together for this long what would cause issues now?

clearly there have been issues from the start.

i get it. i wish i could do things normally. the way normal people do things. but i'm different. i always have been. i can't just do things in a normal fashion because i'm broken up inside but i hide it a little too well from everyone, even myself. i do this to myself by keeping so busy i forget about my pain and suffering and insecurities. i don the positive, confident persona i have crafted so carefully that i can't tell if i'm faking it or not anymore. but when i suddenly don't have the energy to keep the mask in place, the person i always was shines through and i am disappointed that i am not any different than i used to be. i'm still unsure and i still overthink everything and i get sad and lonely and jealous and withdrawn just like how i used to in the past.

i can feel myself subtly depending on certain people for my emotional support again but i know that's not healthy. it's normal to share your sadness and frustrations but i feel like it's not normal when most of the conversation is about how much life sucks. i don't want to be a debbie downer. i can't get over the fact that i get stuck over my problems and how i can't stop complaining about them until the problem is resolved. normal people don't do that and burden others that way. i know recently especially at hangouts i feel like i've been especially negative and tired and i think other people have been getting that energy and giving me more space. i don't want to be bitter. i don't want to give off this energy. i don't get why life has given me such an unfair deck of cards and expect me to always have to deal with it. i can't tell if i'm just being spoilt and whiny about completely normal problems or if everyone else is just way better at dealing with things than i am. that is probably the case to be honest.

the whole point of being away from home is so that i have more freedom to do the things i want. in some ways i do and i'm trying to appreciate what i have. but in other ways it's so not how i had envisioned it to be. i know work is supposed to be tiring but i didn't think it would be all encompassing like this. i don't think it SHOULD be like this. like on my days off all i can think about are these issues and i don't feel like i can just relax and rest like i should be doing.

maybe i just need to stop thinking. like shutting up my brain and doing more self care. i should be going out more. not just sleeping and staying in my room all the time. i don't know why i am like this and i need to learn how to function like a normal human being. i'm 26 years old and i feel like i'm not taking advantage of the time i have right now to do things 26 year olds should be doing.

i want to go out. i want to date. i want to kiss cute boys and hold their hand and not overthink relationships. but i know myself and that i will get attached. and there are creepy guys out there who won't hesitate to take advantage of me. but it's better to learn now than to be scared and never try anything and sooner or later i'll be in my 30s wondering where all the time went. i feel the time slipping away constantly right now and i need to stop putting myself on the backburner.

it's time to prioritize me, but i also don't want to lose sight of my values and become self absorbed and selfish.

[fluffypeonies]

perfumes that i like

lancome: idole (citrus, rose, white musk)

yves saint laurent: LIBRE (lavender essence, orange blossom, musk accord)

giorgio armani: Si Fiori (blackcurrant, orange blossom, vanilla)

viktor&rolf: Magic Salty Flower (sea salt accord, frangipani flower, cashmeran)

[fluffypeonies]

lol honestly i always feel like people don’t notice me or think i’m weird or something. if i had left the event today i doubt people would even know or they would get angry at me because i “ditched” them for not giving them a ride back home. i’m not sure why i get so sensitive about dumb things like when i park a car and everyone just gets out and leaves and doesn’t wait for me. honestly it’s not a big deal but i feel like it’s an extra nail on the hammer like lol you’re just our driver and now that we’re here you don’t matter anymore. you fulfilled your purpose. i guess i just want to feel appreciated but i don’t want to be fishing for compliments either. a simple thank you would be fine or at least show up on time please. i was waiting 20 min in the parking lot for 2 girls who asked to get picked up and they did not even apologize for being late. 1. i would never be late if someone was waiting on me and 2. i would always wait for the driver to get out of the car and walk with them. i don’t know this is so stupid but i just get annoyed but also sad that these things happen even though i know i don’t know people in clinic personally. i feel like i should have had this bonding experience but it never happened but i still see everyone else getting along just fine. i hate this.

[fluffypeonies]

You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.

Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms (via wordsnquotes)

[fluffypeonies]

tfw no matter what you do you feel inadequate and hopeless :^)

[fluffypeonies]

If you’re ever lucky enough to find a girl who is a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind, you should hold onto that. Because she’ll be yours at two in the morning and at two in the afternoon the following day. She’ll kiss you where it hurts and until it hurts. And that’s important. Someone who not only knows how to turn you on but also knows how to treat you right is someone worth a little something… and a little more than usual.

(via the-taintedtruth)

[fluffypeonies]

one day you’ll smile so wide you’ll forget how many nights you spent crying yourself to sleep

[fluffypeonies]

ways to start feeling again

sit in the sun without anything to do, feel the heat of the rays hit your skin, realize that this sunlight has travelled a very long way to reach you

walk around barefoot and try to feel as much of the ground under your feet as you can, notice every rock and blade of grass

sit quietly for a while and notice the touch of breath in your nostrils, feel how the air gets cooler as you inhale and warmer as you exhale

drive around aimlessly and blast some of your favorite songs, scream/sing along to them and feel the vibrations of your favorite lyrics as they change the air in your throat and around you, feel that the music is healing you from the inside out

stay away from alcohol or drugs for a few days, try to be as aware and present as you can in every moment, stop trying to numb or dull your senses

eat a few meals without any distractions, notice every bite and taste every flavor that covers your tongue, be grateful for it all

look up at the stars and the moon, understand how small we all are and how immense the universe is, realize what a miracle everything is, let your heart swell with amazement and admiration for life itself

[fluffypeonies]

It’s scary how much I care and how much you don’t.

I care too much (via difficult)

[fluffypeonies]

Kiss me until I forget how terrified I am of everything wrong with my life.

(via difficult)

[fluffypeonies]

You’ve become so damaged that when someone tries to give you what you deserve, you have no fucking idea how to respond.

(via urbanoutfucks)

[fluffypeonies]

Goals

1. Learn to tune out yelling and study.

2. Be more friendly and positive even when I’m in a bad mood.

3. Be more productive.

[fluffypeonies]

I’m literally so tired of being nice to people and going out of my way to make sure they’re okay and happy just to get treated like shit. Fuck everyone who I’ve been there for and haven’t been there for me.

seriously can’t be fucked anymore (via bled)

[fluffypeonies]

Find more inspiration here @Extramadness

[fluffypeonies]

Pestering Thoughts

For some reason, I still can’t get it out of my mind. I mean, it shouldn’t make a difference that it’s now confirmed and out in the open...because it always was. I guess the fact that now it’s the legit truth rather than the assumed truth, my brain starts freaking out. I did manage to calm down after sorting out my feelings and thoughts with my friends, and I was able to convince Penguin that there was nothing to be done right now, and that I don’t feel that way towards him. Even if I did (which I do find myself having small moments), they’re very wishy washy and nowhere near the extent to where they were back in high school. I definitely can’t just rush into it like that because I’d just end up hurting him. I decided that I’m just going to ignore this piece of information and continue being friends with him like I always was. If something happens in the future, then I’ll figure it out then. I honestly think that it wouldn’t work out right now even if we had the same feelings because it would always be him being unsure or giving into me?? Like idk I don’t want to be the only one always taking the reigns T_T I know it’s bad to assume things because it’s not what will actually happen but I have a pretty good feeling that it’s true this time around. Who knows when we’re different people it might work out I’m not sure T_T My friend Bee was absolutely right in saying that when the time comes, I would be sure and not hesitate at all. I think that it should be like that and not me going back and forth in what to do. 

But the thing that was really bothering me was that when I talked to Penguin about this, she revealed that they actually talked about a lot more, but she can’t tell me any of it because it was confidential. Which I know is important and she’s a good friend for not telling, but it kinda took me back to when Rain told me he knew because Rice told him and Alice before. I also know they talked about this at another hangout I wasn’t at because Bee let me know. But wow now I’m super curious what went down there because I feel like now everyone knows the full gist of what’s going on and I’m kinda left in the dark...which is kinda to be expected but ugh idk where I’m going with this. I think what happened was that Rice just came clean with all of my friends and everyone kinda...just ...knows??? Wow that’s like the same thing I just typed earlier -_- I guess it’s a little surreal that people have been talking about this for a long time and I’m just oblivious to everything. Maybe one day they can let me know what’s going on T_T I need to stop overthinking this ugh. 

[fluffypeonies]

something that started out as a letter but turned into a rambling mess

Dear Llama,

I meant to write this letter a while ago, but I only had some time to spare now. I have to apologize for my previous letter because I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand that going to university would change so many things. I thought that university and community college would be pretty similar except for the fact that you live away from home. It’s different. I thought you’d have plenty of time to keep up with Facebook chats and your old friends, but the truth is you just really don’t. Sometimes it can get overwhelming trying to maintain all of your friendships at once, and sometimes when too many people are trying to talk to you at once, it’s so much easier just to ignore messages. I’ve been guilty of doing it a few times already (and this is only my first quarter), especially because I feel like I should hang out with the people actually with me too. I’m not saying what you did was right, but I definitely have a better understanding of it now. It helps a lot that we’re trying to talk again. It’s slow but it is definitely an improvement (a huge one actually) from the previous year or so. I don’t feel that awkwardness or the pressure of trying too hard, etc. It feels nice. I think I’m getting better with keeping up with friends also - both online and in person. The only issue here now is that I don’t really get time to myself. I mean, I do but sometimes I crave more and I end up being kinda rude/mean to other people...idk sometimes I feel like it comes off that way even though I don’t mean for it to. Or it’s like I’m being condescending/lecturing people about things T_T I still get the feeling that I’m being kinda antisocial when my housemates are all talking and laughing and I’m the one in the corner doing hw and stressing constantly :( Sometimes when I try to join in, they’re like oh ok but I know it’s not like they’re trying to exclude me. It’s because I don’t play those games and/or watch those shows. It’s not a big deal though and we def have a good time together. What kinda gets to me is that I’m constantly being the “mom” of the apartment by telling people to clean up after themselves and wash the dishes. It’s kind of a mess all the time and I try not to clean it everytime, but sometimes it just gets in the way of my own work. I haven’t cleaned at all this week because of midterms and everything is seriously gross (so many dishes in the sink and grime on the counters/stove). Penguin is going to help me clean up the whole place this weekend (so nice of her even though she doesn’t live there) and I think Birb and Bear (maybe Owl too) are going to help me. It’s a good opportunity because midterms are done and we have a bit more spare time. Wow this was all over the place but I’m’ going to post it anyways /dies. I’m actually at work right now so I’m gonna try to study some more for my midterm tmr D:I’ll def write a better update on Friday or over the weekend.