flyjacket06-blog

[flyjacket06-blog]

Current Episode: The Retract

You know... The older you get, the more you value your alone time. Or just time in general. I remember a much younger me, going out to party pretty much all weekend. Drinking copious amounts of booze, looking for a crush that same night. This weekend I spent alone, entirely getting high and sleeping, resting for the week ahead. Adulting man...it’s weird. I bet a bunch of you, much like me, would go back to their younger selves and say, “Don’t ever say, ‘I can’t wait to grow up’“. I made this blog as a venture to express myself to complete strangers. None of my family or friends know about this and I kinda wanna keep it that way. There’s no right way into living life. Infact, the only way to learn life is to make mistakes and learn from that or others. We get older and compare ourselves to others, mainly our parents or friends. I now find that less is more. Less people around me equals more happiness. With life, the more you think you know, the less you’ll understand. Keep that in mind. Right now I’m going through a weird moment in life. I’ve cut all my friends out; they are just one giant disappointment after another. In fairness, a combination of life issues, plus their cock ups have created a giant snowball effect which I’ve decided to avoid by becoming a recluse. At times I catch myself thinking about suicide, but a few things are stopping me from actually doing it. One: I’m too good looking to kill myself. I mean, I think i’m good looking and I’ve never had an issue with women or sexual confidence. Two: who’s really gunna take care of my cat if I die? Like I’m thinking about that now and kinda peeved if someone gets my cat and doesnt take care of her. Three: I’m not a God fearing man, but being raised Catholic to some degree has taught me that suicide and renouncing God are the only two ways into Hell. I don’t really wanna take that chance nor have my last living action condemn me for the afterlife I’d be so fast to head to. Damn mythology from the Church! Curse you! I guess I’ll lay it out there for you. My government is suing me for unpaid student loans. Nothing crazy. Something like 12k, but it’s gotten to small claims court and lawyers and well....this is a first experience for me. If you don’t know, I do not do well with first experiences. There’s a learning curve and a coping issue when it comes to first experiences. While my recovery time has greatly increased since I was in my twenties, it still takes a few days for me to see the larger picture of things and regain a level head. To each their own. At work, I was dealing with becoming a fresh new leader among the new and old set of crews. Another first experience, which I managed to flub, atleast I feel that I flubbed it up. There was a moment when I called out three co workers for their lack of ...well...work ethic. You’ll have seen it or been through it. You’re working and you’re working hard. Just grinding, but others are kinda lolly-gagging and gingerly moving when you need post-haste movement. Sure it was the first show; Sure I made the inappropriate call over the radio for a meeting. I had to express myself to these guys that whatever it was that they were doing that day, was complete garbage. I alienated them and myself. Coulda chosen a better way to approach it really. That same night, pretty much broke down in front of my boss. Humiliating in retrospect, but the build up of things got to me. The fact that my landlord refuses to fix a wall in my place, so when it rains heavy, mushrooms grow outta the baseboards. MUSHROOMS! INSIDE! How the fuck... it’s only been six months since I reported the first of three incidents. Who know’s what’s behind and under those walls and floors. Who knows what spores i’ve been breathing in. Then I get to work and I’m put in this situation where I have more responsibility and I’m being relied on to do more and lead a motley crew. These guys and I came up together and now symbolically, I’m above them but they just aren’t taking the things I take serious, serious themselves. You know how frustrating that is?! When you need to get the job done and they are like, “Yeah, okay hummm”. Main problem of that stemmed from the fact that some new guy, a real new aged stoner complainer type, created a stir with me over absolutely nothing. I’m trying to help this fool and he snaps at me, goes behind my back and tells my boss i’m bullying him?! The man is 40 something and at best, a pan sexual imp. If he can’t handle direction or control his sensitive side, then I suggest he apply to Wal-mart to become a greeter. The guy legit goes out of his way (and brags about it) to sue people or corporations where he can. That should tell you what type of character he is. He was the first one I cut out this year. I’ll let him be someone elses problem. As for the other co-workers I disciplined with that meeting, we seem to be on better terms, but realistically since they won’t know, or understand my responsibilities going into this new season, I’ve quietly backed away and kept my own counsel towards things and people.  Oh my phone screen broke at work. Managed to go several phones without having that issue and boom; it happened. My boss said he could fix it, if I got the spare parts. I did! Then he lost my phone! Can you believe that?! Lost my broken phone... He claims he found it and fixed it, but that was day’s ago... Funny how when you’re phone goes MIA, life turns upside down. In my case, it took a while. I deleted all my social media weeks ago. That’s means I was using my phone as an actual phone. Also tells you how pissed off I was with people and the world. One disappointment after another. I figured I needed to recharge my batteries and focus on myself again. Of course the sudden deletion of social media prompted others to bother me on the daily if I was, “okay”. Unbeknownst to them, each time someone asked me if I was, “okay”, I felt more and more uneasy. I really questioned there for a good solid moment how much I had left in the tank. So a broken screen on a phone wasn’t a bad thing. My boss losing my phone after having it for two days...kinda irked me. But what irks me more is that I believe he fixed it and hasn’t give it back to me. I say that because I went into the office and saw my phone charging. Atleast I think it was my phone. It has no sim card in it, so when I touched the home button, and saw it had no sim card, but a fresh new screen, I began to think.... “Why? Why hasn’t this been given to me?!” Esp after the intense, painstakingly slow process it took to back up my old phone to new software and the back up. The process of removing apps and pictures and songs to acquire the capacity space needed for the restore. The endly prompts telling me the restore didn’t work, to log in for this or that ID. Like fuck! A good solid two hours of my life, gone! Reading about how to fix iTunes and error codes, just to load information onto my burner phone, when I likely have a perfectly good phone, not being used or given to me?! HELP!!! As you can imagine, when I got served my papers, I had to rethink and redo all my budget. The end result was losing a lot of savings money to off set a credit card. Fine, I did it, it’s outta the way and done for. I’m thankful for that, but a lack of money has always made me...moody. Without money, you can’t pay for rent or food or anything! Money is freedom and you understand it better as you get older. Add all the issues I just stated above and you get a fuck storm. So to recap: -Got sued -expunged most of my money -Strained workplace relationships -People & friends letting me down consistenly -Broke phone -Boss lost phone trying to fix it -Several mistakes made which I was hard on myself and that’s been how it’s going of late. I’m dealing with it better; having no social media actually helps. But for fucks sakes, I use the whole being sued thing just floats on. They are not disputing my payment plan and want me to pay more. Like fucking blood suckers. I know happiness is a choice. I know tough times don’t last, tough people, But all I want to do right now is disappear....