fmdxchai-blog

[fmdxchai-blog]

“thank you,” he replied softly, wiping his tears from his cheeks. “hyung what if...we what if we find something terrible? what if it triggers something....I don’t want to go back to my old habits but what if they , what if what we find fucks me up and i do something stupid? i’m so fucking fragile and broken hyung what if...what if i really fuck up? and then what? where do i go if i’m kicked out of the group? or worse? unity has to disband? i a have no one.”

170828 - risk management

[fmdxchai-blog]

ooc:

my gifs aren’t loading here on the mall wifi so all replies will be when i get out of my meeting!

[fmdxchai-blog]

Chai swallowed a bit shaking his head, “I just needed a bit of time, and thy did me a solid and gave it to me. Had to rethink a lot of stuff and figure a lot of things out. Thankfully they understood,” he smiled weakly before shrugging, “thanks JJ, and I mean it just happened? I’ve been Gucci fanatic for most of my life,” he stifled a laugh, “they said someone sent some of my instagram pictures of me wearing some of their stuff in, probably a few fans, so yeah, with the help of our company kind of solidified the deal.”

“No, JJ, really, we shouldn’t- I shouldn’t, that’s not fair to you. I put you in a tough spot and I’m sorry and I just don’t think that with...given the nature of whats going on between us...it’s not a good idea. Plus,” Chaiyoung took a moment to finally be honest, with himself and JJ, “It-it would really hurt too much trying to pretend like nothing happened while prancing around Jeju and we both know it.”

[fmdxchai-blog]

[ imessage to: Jerome <3 ]: the one and only

[ imessage to: Jerome <3 ]: you need spice in your life period

[ imessage to: Jerome <3 ]: i wouldn’t necessarily say hard on, thank daddy’s credit card

[ imessage to: Jerome <3 ]: the bar on 12th, it’s deep in the city but i think you’ll like it

[ imessage to: Jerome <3 ]: it has a jeromie esk ambiance.

Chai smiled down at his phone, Jerome’s company was always welcome, even behind the shameless flirting, and the occasional banter, the two of them were more alike then they cared to indulge in. Their minds were similar, and they enjoyed a good time with good people to get away from the constant drone of what could be idol life.

He crossed his leg over the other, batting his lashes at the tender before handing over the sleek black card, ordering his and Jerome’s starting drinks before ultimately deciding to purchase a bottle, maybe he was showing off his money but anyone who knew Chai knew how ‘generous’ he could be.

His eyes scanned the crowed of usual bar flies, darting over to the door occasionally for the common Adonis’ entrance.

170903 - The night shift,

[fmdxchai-blog]

Chai nodded, “yes,” he had never been so sure of anything. Sure it didn’t seem like he’d want to change his ways, to give up the exhilarating feeling of it all, but he wanted to be better, he wanted to be well, he wanted to be sane just for once in his life.

“Hyung you-you have to promise me you wont tell anyone,” he looked up at the younger, eyes pining, glassy, childlike, almost innocent even given the situation he was in. The old Chai, begging on his corrupted fronts behalf. “please….I don’t want this to ruin me….to ruin Unity….”

170828 - risk management

[fmdxchai-blog]

{ ⇢ ; MISSED * }

{ SMS // chaiyoung }: ...YAH

{ SMS // chaiyoung }: And I'm alive. Unfortunately.

{ SMS // chaiyoung }: Instead of asking me via text

{ SMS // chaiyoung }: Why don't you see in person?

[ SMS // rae rae hyung ]: unfortunately ?

[ SMS // rae rae hyung ]: do i need to call the people in the white jackets?

[ SMS // rae rae hyung ]: yah that requires me to leave my bed and the wholesome saftey of my silk sheets

[ SMS // rae rae hyung ]: and change out of my new Gucci pajamas...

[ SMS // rae rae hyung ]: do i really want that?

[fmdxchai-blog]

“uh,” chai took a moment huffing a bit before shaking his head, “ha, thanks kid,” kid, fucking kid? is that what they’re relationship had diminished to? he’d been so far pushed back, so far gone and absent and undeniably infatuated with Jonghsin, in love, with Jongshin and he had confined that into three stupid letters out of what?

“they’ll be out by mid-October, pushed back a bit, did a few extra photoshoots, it was supposed to be the end of September but you know.” Chai’s chest ached as he spoke biting into his bottom lip before looking around, taking a deep breath to calm his heart clamoring behind his ribs before brushing his finger over the envelope in his hand.

“i uh got you these? pre...yah know,” he extended the envelope to Jongshin not able to meet his eyes. “they’re tickets....for the ferry to jeju...and vouchers for a few nights at a resort there, private room, good view, car service and everything i had originally intended for it to be a trip for us, just a gift for your birthday to enjoy the island but...now that that may seem...would be inappropriate given the circumstances, take someone else, have a good time. you’ll enjoy it.” chai’s voice almost cracked eyes stinging at the thought.

[fmdxchai-blog]

Septembers in Korea weren’t yet cold, Seoul settled into cool mornings and warm evenings, but the brute of fall and winter would have yet to settle until mid-October, and yet, Chai was freezing. His fingers and toes numb though sweat stung his covered hair line.

He never was the nervous type, being in a prestigious family meant you knew how to carry yourself, with your head high, and your nose in the air, shoulders back and relaxed and with that came the absence of nerves. Yeah sure pre-shows and recordings, the night before an album release or interviews gave him a little tremor, his Korean slacking but this was beyond the remnants of stage fright, this was a different fear, an emotional fear. How would he react? He’d skipped his meds the passed couple days and what if he snapped, or worse bottled it, told Jongshin it was okay, that he’d be fine while his skin boiled beneath it’s surface.

Chai jumped when the younger sat down and spoke, too deep within his thoughts to even notice when he walked up, “h-hey it was uh,” Chai cleared his throat, “it was fine, um long...I’ll get the proofs in couple days.” He dreaded the small talk but it was keeping back the burning in his throat.

[fmdxchai-blog]

ooc:

i got all my replies done for hyejin, chai’s will come between tomorrow and thursday since they’re all pretty lengthy! again thanks so much for y’alls patience

[fmdxchai-blog]

Chai said goodbye to the photographers and models he was partnered with. His shooting for the release campaign of Gucci was soon and they had finally finished the first batch of photo shoots for it. With Unity being with out schedules he got to spend a lot of time working for it and now he could used the rest of their post comeback bliss to just relax.

But, Jongshin’s text message had set him a bit more on edge. It had only been a few weeks since he had confessed to him, and though that weight had been lifted from his shoulders, another one settled in his place, one that harbored the fear of rejection. In still, he gathered his things, pulling his sweater back over his head,untucking the collar of his button up from underneath it, with a pastel green envelope with ‘To: Shinnie’ written simply on the back in hand.

The walk to the park was a short one, thankfully, he had arrived before JJ had, settling on a secluded bench, hidden by over growth and trees though not uncomfortable and still open enough to keep them hidden from view but still have a nice overlook of the park. The card sat in his lap as his leg shook, the grey fabric of his dress pants tight on his thighs, his newly purple-silver hair already sticky on his forehead, and he had to will himself that there was no reason to be nervous, it’s just JJ, right?

[fmdxchai-blog]

[fmdxchai-blog]

{ ⇢ ; MISSED * }

{ SMS // chaiyoung }: ...YAH

{ SMS // chaiyoung }: And I'm alive. Unfortunately.

{ SMS // chaiyoung }: Instead of asking me via text

{ SMS // chaiyoung }: Why don't you see in person?

[ SMS // rae rae hyung ]: WHAT

[ SMS // rae rae hyung ]: yikes, do you have some deep rooted issues we should talk about hyung?

[ SMS // rae rae hyung ]: JUST SAY YOU MISS ME AND GO WHY MUST WE GO THROUGH THIS

[ SMS // rae rae hyung ]:i'm on my way over.

[fmdxchai-blog]

Chai sighed softly, a hard one, one that took every ounce of air from his lungs, his face sill pressed against Junsu’s chest. He didn’t know what else to say. How else to say it, how else to say he was spiraling, falling into a deep abyss of bad habits and poor self image. Burying his pain and his issues into some strangers bed sheets or a line of coke, expensive wine or shopping bags.

“Hyung,” he said softly, finally raising his puffy red face from the elder’s chest, make up streaked with tear marks, red and blotchy with emotion. “I need help...” he mumbled, looking Junsu directly in the eye. He needed him, he needed someone, or else Chai would end up somewhere, some place he’d regret and couldn’t return from, “please.”

170828 - risk management

[fmdxchai-blog]

Chai wasn’t sure if his heart sank or broke. He hadn’t expected any type of reciprocation from the younger, but some how, though he said he needed time to think, this felt like a rejection, something Chai was all too familiar with. “I, um,” he began fingers combing through his silver locks. “I actually like guys, more than I like girls if I’m honest with you, and that’s okay if it freaks you out like. it’s fine we don’t have to, you don’t have to, feel the same okay? I can get over it really, honestly, I always do.” His smile was weak but he pushed it anyways.

Chai had thought of the consequences, thought of what this could do, how it could fuck up their group, how easily if they slipped up they’d be front page, front cover and the thought made his stomach hurt. “You, look,” he said softly, looking down at the wood flooring, “I’m not...expecting anything from you okay? You know how I feel, and that’s really just it....it feels good to get it off my chest after so long. I can’t guarantee you things will go back to normal...but yeah, “I’m gonna... go...find some food or something.”

His everything hurt, from his fingers to his toes, everything just hurt and he needed to get out of doge, maybe take some of his mood stabilizers just for the fuck of it, just to numb him for a moment because this, this was a lot, too much for his weak emotional state to handle. He scooted himself off of his bed, deciding to throw on a shirt before heading to the door, no allowing himself to look in the younger’s direction.

Change .; SCY + RJS

[fmdxchai-blog]

[  ✉ Shinnie ]: how could i forget my favorite dongsaeng’s birthday?

[  ✉ Shinnie ]: i have somethings for you actually ^-^ 

[  ✉ Shinnie ]: ah no, i’m close i can walk, see you in 5?

@fmdxchai

[ ✉ Shinnie ]: Yes?

[ ✉ Shinnie]: Of course I do how can I forget?

[  ✉ Shinnie]: Um? Sure? I’m leaving my schedule now, think you can meet me half way at the park?

「✉ Chai Latte ⇾」 I dunno. Many people seem to be forgetting my birthday hyung >.<

「✉ Chai Latte ⇾」 But thank you for not forgetting!

「✉ Chai Latte ⇾」 Sure.. I’ll go there now. Did you want me to pick you up something on the way or?

[fmdxchai-blog]

“You do,” he said flatly looking at him, “but you also don’t? I don’t even know how to explain this to you with out sounding like a lunatic,” he confessed groaning as he shook his head, 

Chai took a deep breath, mentally arguing with himself over how he should approach this, and every part of him screamed maturely. He collected his thoughts, sitting up on his bed and pretzeling his legs, turning to face the younger, newly silver hair pushed out of his face. “Jongshin I,” He began mentally kicking himself for not knowing how to tell him.

“I...yes? Okay. Yes, hyung, likes you...a lot...more than he should, and you don’t you don’t have to feel the same way, please don’t feel bad if you don’t but it’s just...frustrating and really hard to have these....feelings for you and not being able to...express them with out looking like a total idiot or jackass. I’m not good with stuff like this, it scares the shit out of me, but....I do okay? Can we drop it now? Just pretend like I never said anything...it’d be easier that way, I’m-I’m sorry I put you through this, you didn’t deserve to be treated that way.” Chai could feel the burning behind his sinuses, his over emotional feelings coming forward and he was desperately holding them back.

Change .; SCY + RJS

[fmdxchai-blog]

「✉ Chai Latte ⇾」Hyung...「✉ Chai Latte ⇾」Do you remember what today is?「✉ Chai Latte ⇾」Can we meet?「✉ Chai Latte ⇾」I need to talk to you..

[ ✉ Shinnie ]: Yes? 

[✉ Shinnie]: Of course I do how can I forget?

[ ✉ Shinnie]: Um? Sure? I’m leaving my schedule now, think you can meet me half way at the park?