foladoll

[foladoll]

The truth of the matter- Depression and anxiety after getting off of act...

[foladoll]

My Not So Dirty Little Secret

So, It’s been a long while since I’ve written anything, but this weekend I’m absolutely full of it so, here goes. Given the current pandemic, political environment and other events going on in my personal life, I’ve been having some difficulty processing everything from the outside in. There is such a stigma, STILL about mental health issues, but if we refuse to address them, there is no making it better. If you were to ask my 3 closest friend to describe me in 3 words, I’d like to think it would sound something like this- “Fola is a big ray of sunshine. Positive, would be the first word. Loving and sassy. Yeah. I think that’s it.”

My sunny persona shines brighter than the lights in a football stadium during a bottomless midnight. I have light for days to share with who ever needs it. Lately, I’ve been finding it a lot harder to stay so positive. My anxiety...yep, anxiety chokes the life out of me some days. While it isn’t often, it’s definitely quite debilitating. While everyday I’d like to put an S on my chest and save the world, I’ll admit somedays it just isn’t possible. The world is too overwhelming. My anxiety has held me back from accomplishing goals that I’ve set (small and large) and having romantic relationships. I am one who finds it necessary to trap my partners like an eagles prey. I slowly squeeze the life and love out of relationship out of fear that they will run. And like little mice in the dead of night, my partners usually do find a means of escape the tight grip of my deadly talons. I can’t say I blame them. 

My anxiety makes me freeze. I become jittery, fear ridden and desperate to take control of any given situation at hand, because I don't feel in control. My anxiety makes me nauseous, keeps me from sleeping and almost unable to function properly. I get stuck in my head. I can’t focus on the task at hand or even on conversations with loved ones. 

When I try to express to my friends and people who have known me for awhile that I’m having problems with my anxiety, they simply brush it off telling me “That’s not like you” or “you’re so strong. It’s temporary.” Little do they know that no mater how temporary it may be, this will probably be something I have to deal with my whole life. 

I guess I wrote this to encourage others. If you have anxiety, diagnosed or non-diagnosed, you aren't alone. Though those moments will pass, they are very real and sometimes incredibly sad and scary. Don’t let anyone tell you “Anxiety isn’t real” or “It’s just in your head.” Because yes, It’s in your head and that’s the problem. There are ways to get out of your head. With practice and finding different strategies that work for you. Never be afraid to seek out professional help. There’s nothing shameful about needing to reach out. We all need a little help sometime. 

Sending love and light.

-Fola Doll

[foladoll]

30 and flirty...trying to figure it all out

         When I turned 30 a light went off in my head, but this light didn’t make anything clearer. It just colored my world in a different view. In my 20s I went from heartbreak after heartbreak just praying that someone, someday would be brave enough to love me. Hoping that someone would finally take the chance on me. Praying that someone special, who I found attractive, mentally stimulating and understanding would take the time to get to know me inside and out without making their choice after just a few short weeks. 

        I find myself stealthily sneaking up on 31 and while I do sometimes feel so alone in this world, I feel like the urge to “find someone to love me” isn’t as strong. My eyes have opened to the millennial age. I’ve come to see that everything going on around me and the constant rejection that I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing throughout the years, indeed is not my fault entirety.

       I was born into a generation that prefers “hook-up culture”. The generation that prefers to stat in their online profiles, ”I’m not looking for anything SERIOUS.” We don’t want anything serious, so we just sleep with everyone and their grandad and pray we don’t catch feelings or herpes for that matter.

        Before I go on, I know I will get some backlash for what I’m about to say, but this is just my opinion. You don’t have to agree with it. Continuing...

         We come from a generation where 60% of our parent's marriages ended in divorce. Can you blame us for not wanting anything serious if our pursuits and investments are only met with heartbreak, money loss and internal damage to our children? I get it. It sucks when something special and significant ends. What about all the time before the heartbreak. What about the times when you did feel butterflies and you felt worthy of love and so willing to give it?

            We now live in a society that prides the individual on being completely selfish. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard, “I’m working on me” this year...#2019 #selfcare

While it’s definitely important to work on yourself, shutting everyone in the world out probably isn’t the best way to do it. Sometimes working on yourself comes from learning to love other people. Learning to reach out and ask if others in your life are doing okay. At the end of the day, everyone just wants to be loved. It’s no surprise that mental health issues and suicide rates are on the rise. People have lost a sense of compassion and have flipped into full protective, self-defense mode. We can’t love one another if we’re only worried about shielding ourselves. Love is a two-way street. If you don’t give love, you get nothing back. So, next time you invite someone on a date, instead of starting it with “I’m not looking for anything serious” think about that person. Try to get to know them, because you might actually want something serious with this person down the road.  Self-sabotage is a real thing. Don’t feed into fear. We’re destroying chances at real and lasting bonds with people. 

Try something new. I dare you.

[foladoll]

A glimpse into the past.

[foladoll]

I’m way too excited for this!!! #90sthrowback #sequels #lgbt #queer #fall #halloween #hocuspocus

[foladoll]

I might be a loner, but at least these days I’m a productive one. On the photo editing grind. #photographer #edit #barrackslife #sundaychill #cansomeonebringmecoffee #sunnyday (at Bethesda, Maryland) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bl1QjfxHnVO/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1g66abwabwy3k

[foladoll]

Home...

Tonight is reminiscent of the huge chunk of my life that I’ve spent in Denver. Before the Navy, this was my home. I experienced all my joys and sorrows here. As I move on in the world I do my best to only remember the joy I experienced here and reflect back on that, but every time I come back to visit, my life falls back into shambles. 

Upon my entrance into town yesterday, my luggage got lost at the airport, the person who was supposed to pick me up from the airport never showed. Despite the rough entrance I chose to stay positive. I geared my butt up and jumped on the light rail (metro). It took about an hour and a half to get home, but I saw some pretty gorgeous sights along the way, so I wasn’t bothered by the delay.

When I finally reached my mother’s house, I was pretty tired. Definitely ready for some food, shower and rest after a long day of travel. I tried the beautiful key that my mom sent me in the lock. It worked in the top lock, but not the bottom lock. I haven’t been home in a few months, but I knew this was not right. I realized that my brother had changed the locks to the door and skipped town, leaving me in a pretty messed up situation. I freaked out for about an hour and tried every possible way to gain entrance to the house I grew up in and would be staying in for the next 8 days.  

I got frustrated and the tears started to break. I’m a tough girl. Not a chick that cries often. Hell, I’d call myself a badass with no shame behind it. I’ve overcome so much in the last couple years and it’s all made me stronger, but my family has always been the one thing with the ability to break me...or at least leave a painful fracture.

Long story short. I finally realized that I wasn’t going to be able to gain entrance by myself. I had to call a locksmith. By then, my phone was on 5%. I knew I better do it fast. The locksmith came and let me in. Upon entering my family’s house, I found the original door knob that my brother had taken off figuring that I’d never find. 

After the locksmith left, I headed upstairs to plug my phone up. It had died permanently. Go figure. Just my luck.

This place does such strange things to me. I love Denver, but Denver doesn't love me. So, now I lay wide awake at 4 in the morning as the unpleasant memories of the past pour into my head.

I can only hope for better days here. I’m hurt, but not broken. It was a hard day. Every hard day makes me just a little bit stronger than I thought I could be. Screw life and it’s damn lemons. I never liked lemonade. 

[foladoll]

Um. Yep.

[foladoll]

Equally March DC, 2017!!! #pride🌈 #onelove ❤️💛💚💙💜🏳️‍🌈 (at Farragut Square)

[foladoll]

DC has SO much Pride <3

All the pretty colors :)

[foladoll]

Once you go MAC, you never go back.

[foladoll]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZBnR0mNWuQ)

[foladoll]

Chipping away at making the barracks home. Little by little. #Navylife #Barrackslife

[foladoll]

Just got my new Scentsy warmer and I'm absolutely in love! 💕 I have a friend that sells it, so if anyone is interested, inbox me and I'll supply info. #lovesentsy #smellsamazinginhere

#SCENTSY

[foladoll]

From my adventures today at Tidal Basin in D.C.!!!!

#DC #Spring #TidalBasin

[foladoll]

The pretty things in life are worth living for :)

[foladoll]

Yes! They did it again! Bye 2016! Some of these songs hit me directly in the feels, but they did a great job!