foolishanddumb

[foolishanddumb]

3/12 Midnight with no thoughts

Hello world, it’s been a while hasn’t it? Haven’t written anything since January, and with absolute certainty I can say that nothing has changed. I am still the same idiot waiting for something to come.

But enough of that, I hope you all were able to enjoy February. I haven’t been doing anything, there’s nothing new to say. I sort of just find myself going back and forth between apps because I’m bored, and I don’t know if I want to sleep. I’ve been up thinking, not about much, because there’s not much to think about in my sad life, but I guess about my future. And the uncertainty of it, I’ve made what seems like a vast amount of bad decisions, or at least bad decisions on my end.

I’m just unsure I guess if I can even have a future, I am well aware that the future isn’t always guaranteed, I’ve very much accepted it. But I just need something, some sort of thing that I know for certain about my future, I just need something real to grasp. I just need something I know is real, I’m having doubts I don’t want to have, and I it’s messing with me.

Mainly the fact that I’m uncertain about the people around me, friends basically. I love them to death, I really do, but there’s always that little voice in my head telling me that I’m the problem. I have attachment/abandonment issues, I’ve had friends come and go from my life. And right now I feel so happy with the friends I have that I really don’t want them to leave me, because I fear I won’t be able to get new ones as good as them. I’ve already had a pair of close friends leave me, and it hurts, it fucking hurts because I was always the third one. I’ve come to terms with it honestly but it’s hard to let people go, especially when they’ve been in your life for like 7-8 years. I finally had to let them go, and I’ve accepted it now I guess, but it still hurts like hell.

I honestly feel like I’ve developed trust issues because of it, I’ve had people come into my life for like a year or two, that I would absolutely adore, but then they’d always leave. I stopped trying to make new friends because I know there comes a point where I’ll get too attached and then they’ll leave. I don’t allow myself to get that attached to people, and I don’t know how to feel. Maybe it’s a good thing, I’ll always have a sense of security, but then again I won’t be able to achieve a full sense of what it’s like to be human if I don’t allow it.

I love my friends, I really do.

I guess I really just don’t want to let them go, because I fear they’ll never come back. I guess that’s my biggest fear.

I just want something real, is that bad?

Anyway, enough with my crisis, I hope your early March is going well, I hope the rest of your March goes well, who knows when I’ll write next. Let’s finish today, before making plans for tomorrow. Bye bye.

[foolishanddumb]

1/15 New Year, Worse Me

Hello world, happy new year welcome to 2023. I apologize for such absence on my end, my worries have overtaken my mind one too many times.

To be honest I don’t have plans for this year, or even this month, so far I have done absolutely nothing but worry. Which isn’t anything new, if anything that’s the one consistency I will always work with. My only goal for the year is to survive it , you know? And I’ll admit I maybe want to try learning a new language, but who knows how that’ll go, time can only tell.

To continue on my last post, there is nothing to update, nothing has changed. Though I will say that the person I was talking about in that post called me the next day. I value our friendship though I stopped caring because they do not seem to put in the same effort I do. So I do what I do best, lie. I basically lied to her saying that I have become possibly the worst person I could be as a way to drive them away, seemingly it has worked, so I think I can start forgetting about them now.

Enough of that though, I do hope that the beginning days of January have been treating you much better than they have been treating me. I wish only the best for you all. I’ve sort of just been contemplating my entire existence this entire month, and just debating my life path. Mostly because nothing really seems to catch my attention. I spend a lot of my time daydreaming about such career paths, but I can never seem to actually commit to any of them. So now I sort of sit in the middle, I don’t understand why this sort of thing exists, I have to choose my life path when I can barley drive. I don’t think it’s all that fair, but you know as they say, life isn’t fair.

Fairness has always been something complicated in my mind, the entire idea of equal opportunity is a complex one but also a no brainer. Life is full of such complexities and contradictions it is weird to figure out what is right and what is wrong. But I guess that’s what makes us human, our own ability to determine for ourselves what is wrong and right.

Anyway enough of that now, too much for my little head. I hope you all have a good rest of your January just in case I don’t see you all. I’ll probably see you all in February or something. Let us wish for a better tomorrow, see you all someday.

[foolishanddumb]

12/21 Crushes and life

Hello world,

It is me again. Hope you all are well. Todays vent is crushes and my possible inability to love/I don’t know if I’m doing it right. There are so many ways I can start this, but I���ll begin with this, I have this one friend, I’ve known them for years and for almost half of those years I had a crush on them, or at least I think I did. Now, I’ve sort of moved on, but there’s always that thought in the back of my mind you know?

My friends always tease me about it, because you know it’s stupid and pathetic that I’ve been crushing on a person for that long. Which I’ll admit it was, looking back at it I don’t even know how I can describe it. Looking back I think I just enjoyed their company as a friend because of their consistency in my life, I don’t think I ever really felt anything for them. I think I just gaslighted myself into thinking it was a crush so I would seem normal. Even now, I don’t think I have crushes I sort of just chose someone and think ‘yeah, this seems like a good one’ and just daydream I guess? Not even that, I just use those ‘crushes’ as something so I don’t get bored during school.

I can tell you all the people I’ve ever had a ‘crush’ on, and I could never really answer you when it comes to the act of actively crushing on them. I don’t think about them, I can talk to them perfectly, I don’t get nervous around them, like is that supposed to happen?

Like I obviously find people attractive, and I think I link attractiveness with having a crush on someone. Which is like…a problem?

Anyway, back to the main point, this person, I’ve spent years with them, and one thing about me, I lowkey have attachment issues I think. So if I’m being honest my world practically revolves around them, because of how much I gaslighted myself. I’ll admit it now how bad it was for me, I sort of treated it like an obsession, and I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to be. But I’m over it now, or at least trying, I obviously still want them as a friend because they are a good friend, but with the way it’s been going that’s not a possibility; and I have to learn to be okay with that. And I’m learning. I remember we’d always talk about the fact that if we were to ever date it would be the most toxic relationship ever, and I’ll have to agree; this relationship has been toxic, or at least for me it has.

I’ve had to eventually figure out who I am as a person, cause as started before my world revolves around them so much. But at the same time I’m at a lost? To have such a consistency in your life leave so suddenly is hard.

To the second point, what is love? Like how do I experience it? Like I would like to think that I love things like music, art, writing, things like that. But in all honesty I don’t know, especially when it comes to people, and I’m not talking about it in a platonic sense, I can feel platonic love, but what about romantic love? Like I’m always watching it in movies or tv shows and it seems awesome, I would like to experience it one day, but it’s weird. I guess I’m just never sure if I’m doing it right, what exactly am I supposed to feel when I experience love love.

Anyway, I think that’s gonna be all from me folks, time to get back to homework I don’t want to do. Until we meet again.

Also first time using tags and it honestly just looks like I’m having an existential crisis lmao love that.

[foolishanddumb]

12/14 Unmotivatedly Motivated

Hello world, it is me again, after one entire month, I can say that I have truly done nothing with my life. And it really didn’t hit me until now, as I lay here tonight, I reflect upon my choices of today, and of yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that one.

I really have done nothing, I try and plan out my week, and on paper it really doesn’t seem like much, it seems easy. Though when it actually comes down to doing it, it feels like the most difficult thing ever. And I’ll admit, it’s always been like that for me, which is why I suck at planning and like to stick with the regular spontaneous planning. But you know, life won’t allow that, so I’m trying, but clearly not enough if I’m completely unable to even get up and do so.

I took a nap today, because I felt bored, I knew I had things I could do, draw, write, play video games, study, etc. but I didn’t. I rarely ever do the things I loved anymore mostly because I never even see them as hobbies, I usually do said things because I’m bored. Who knows if I find enjoyment doing them, because I don’t know what enjoyment is supposed to look or feel like.

That’s another thing, I always sort of have this feeling, that I’m just not feeling things correctly. Sure happiness, sadness, frustration the basic emotions I got down, but the more complex ones are harder to decipher personally. Things like enjoyment or excitement even love, I don’t know if I’m even experiencing those emotions correctly, if you know what I mean. I know people say that like you just know what your feeling or whatever, but I just never do. I don’t know how to describe it but I feel these emotions the same way I use words, at face value. If I look up the definition of a word I will use it as it is said to do so, I will connect it to the definition in a sentence. I look up the meaning of let’s say, love, the definition of love is, “an intense feeling of deep affection” now what does that mean? Who knows, in reality, you are the only person that can define love, and all of that. But I take that definition of love at face value, in that sense I would love everything. But do I? I don’t know how to describe it, I’m sure someone can find a more condensed way to say it cause all my sentences are coming out verbose.

But back to the main point, as I write this I lay in bed thinking, pondering my next move/action. Although it is late, and I really shouldn’t be doing anything, I want to do something, and there are a large array of things I could do. But I just can’t find the power to do any of it, I genuinely want to, but I also don’t. No matter how close or far this thing is from me I can’t bring myself to do it. And I just imagine myself floating in a pool of everything I could possibly ever want, but never being able to actually dive down into it. Forever floating and looking at it.

I’ve been like this forever it feels like, I had a nice little routine going, but I don’t know what happened at the start of this year that just ruined it. I Can stick to a routine for one week, before it all goes down to shambles and I know people insist that consistency is key; but I just can’t, I really can’t. I can sit down in front of my task and start doing it for a little bit but then my mind wanders or I just get bored. On a good day I could finish my task in a timely manner. But I don’t know, it’s just weird, I’m weird.

I guess I’ll just have to hope for a better tomorrow, anyways, um, I’ll figure something out for tonight. See ya when I see you.

[foolishanddumb]

11/16 Naps

Hello world, it is me again, it’s been a bit hasn’t it?

Lmao sorry about that, I’ve just been…busy. I will have you know that I’ve almost fully recovered from my sickness. Somehow gong outside and getting some fresh air actually worked on me, which is great.

To get started about my week on Monday, I had pulled an all-nighter the day? Night? Prior so I wasn’t in a good place, fell asleep in my psych class…not my proudest moment. But anyway, I was supposed to be busy that afternoon, but you know what I did??? I fell asleep almost a full 8 hours. :D

I woke up at like midnight and did my math homework before going back to sleep again. It was truly a wonderful experience, no it wasn’t my parents got mad at me for some reason. Like, I’d it really that hard to wake me up? No, it’s really not. Stand in my room long enough and I’ll wake up from your straight up presence. No joke. I will literally wake up, if I sense someone in my room long enough. Like my father will try and wake me up, and I’ll immediately wake up as he opens the door and stands in the doorway.

It’s weird.

Yesterday I went to Best Buy, and looked at washing machines :)

Tried looking for a good one, but like, I don’t know anything about washing machines, thinking of buying a new one. I’m in desperate need of one.

Besides that, I’ve just been vibing, I’ve been alive, and living. Sleepy though, I’m fairly tired but I can’t sleep right now, I have homework of course. So I’ll leave you to your devices.

The birdie says goodbye, to another day tomorrow we rise to.

Enjoy the sunrise or sunset, it really is a beautiful thing to see.

[foolishanddumb]

11/12 sickness doesn’t look good on me

Hello world, me again, it’s been a bit hasn’t it?

Well I’m gonna be honest there hasn’t been much to say, as I’ve been sick this entire time which is amazing. You know it sucks because I was actually thinking of being productive but of course we can’t have that happen.

I’ve just been lowkey dying these past few days, and now I’m actually starting to feel a bit better I’m just left with a cough, that will last a week, wooooo.

Obviously because I’ve been sick I couldn’t work on my presentation, I didn’t have my friends over sadly. This entire time I spent trying to sleep, but you know, couldn’t. So we start our days early this weekend. I’m really tired but there’s not much I can do. I am in need of a fan in my room cause I am sweating way too much and my parents don’t want me to turn on the ac because you know fall cold. So I’ve just been sweating in my bed dying.

But yeah that’s really it, there’s not much I can update on, sooooo,

Arrivederci, people behind the screen, I shall maybe update tomorrow, let us live a new day in the mean time.

[foolishanddumb]

11/9 5 hour naps & fake IDs

Hello world, it is me yet again. There is not much to say about today seeing as I decided to take a nice 5 hour nap, so clearly not much has been done. Though I am feeling a little bit sick, which trust me, it’s never good. I am really hoping that Im not sick because my sickness usually lasts about a week, and gets somewhat progressively worse as it goes on. And in the end I am left with a bad cough that lasts longer.

Anyway, school. Not much happened I mostly just sat around though in one of my classes I did overhear some guy talk about the fake ID he got, which states his age as obviously 21, problem is that the dude doesn’t look the part. Pretty sure he’s like 16/17. Which like why? Just why? What is the point of a fake id? Especially when you look 14 and can’t even drive properly, what happens then? Like he doesn’t even have a license and is talking about what I can only imagine is drinking? Like is that what people use fake ids for. If that man gets pulled over or something he’s done for. Like I don’t get it, I don’t understand the appeal, I just think it’s stupid.

But alas it’s his life I can’t really do much about it. I did get a 68 on a test, though it didn’t bring my grade down that much, so I didn’t bother trying to do corrections.

I have friends coming over Friday so that’s always a fun thing, I wanted to build a gingerbread house though I forgot to buy the actual kit. So, I’ll probably be doing that tomorrow. I’m lowkey kinda nervous though, don’t know why. They’ve come over before but I guess not on a Friday, we’re mostly just gonna stick to watching movies, cause what else can you really do?

About the presentation that I think I talked about briefly yesterday? I’m going to need to severely edit mine, cause the first few people presented and their slides put mine to complete shame, though it’s not like there was much to put to shame. I was honestly thinking of starting my presentation by saying, “So, your expectations, I want you to bring them down. And now that you’ve got that, bring them down lower”. Because that’s really what it was, my presentation sucks mostly because I stayed up till like 2 AM trying to do it. Which you know, already wasn’t a good look for me, but it also didn’t help that I had no idea what I was talking about. Anyway, I’m gonna need to do some major revisions on my part because of that, I didn’t present today, thank goodness.

I think that’s gonna be all from me folks, hope you enjoyed reading like 5 mini paragraphs.

Adiós, peoples of the Internet, I shall see you hopefully tomorrow, for another new day.

[foolishanddumb]

Hello World

So, I guess I’m doing this as well now, there’s not much to say about why I’m doing this. If you find this, then welcome to my navigation through life. I can’t say it’s going to be good or interesting, but it is most definitely something. So, let’s get to know each other a little bit more, I’ll begin:

My name for now does not need to be known, but you can call me Z if you want. It doesn’t stand for anything (or does it?).

Same goes for my age, I am currently in high school, and soon to graduate, so make your guesses.

Fun little facts:

- I had a fish called red velvet even though he was blue, he unfortunately passed a bit ago.

- I am currently contemplating doing my homework, I have a presentation tomorrow, that I don’t want to do.

- I love penguins, they are my favorite animal, though I have never seen one.

- I have too many things that hold way too much sentimental value that I can’t bring myself to throw away (hoarder).

Now, that’s really all from me, if I think of something more later I’ll write it here. I’ll try to keep up doing this daily, but I am bad at consistency. I’ll keep this little thing a secret for a bit, so if you found this, congrats, your one of the lucky few that will witness my extreme failure at life.

Adiós, to another new day.