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Emily Dickinson, from a letter featured in The Selected Letters of Emily Dickinson

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so pretty

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new books! and a pretty evening street view

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The eyes, Chico, they never lie. hilson, as years go by [2004 - 2012]

2004- season 1

2005- season 2

2006- season 3

2007- season 4

2008- season 5

2009- season 6

2010- season 7

2011- season 8

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sure sex is good but the real sex is house demonstratively shoving chips into his face while wilson smiles and they're both comfy on the couch in soft romantic lighting

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One thing that really floors me about the final arc is that we are told the entire show that House doesn’t tend to people. He’s not the guy who will be sitting by your bedside and holding your hand or wiping your brow. He doesn’t do that. We’re even explicitly shown that this (along with his Vicodin use) is one of the reasons that Cuddy breaks up with him when she has her cancer scare—House can’t handle caretaking; he can only be there for you if he’s high and even then, only kinda.

And yet with Wilson in The C-Word, here he is making Wilson food, wiping his brow, stroking his hair, wiping the vomit from his mouth, holding the basin while Wilson pukes, changing his diaper, walking with him, etc. He cares for Wilson despite going through withdrawal himself. He cares for Wilson despite Wilson lashing out at him. And he does it all seemingly without a second thought, because it’s Wilson.

Wilson truly was House’s exception.

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Obsessed with the way Vicodin is such a huge piece of symbolism in House’s relationships. Like. Cuddy left him because he relapsed. She told him that he took the Vicodin to avoid pain, because pain means you care and he wasn’t willing to do that. We’ve seen throughout the show how House’s emotional pain manifests as physical, increasing whenever he feels guilt or anger or sadness or fear. Keep in mind this was while Cuddy was worried she might have cancer.

And then Wilson ACTUALLY gets cancer, and House treats him at his apartment, and he feeds him Vicodin. Because Wilson is in pain, and he’s always the one who cares so much, and it’s House’s turn to take that away. And House doesn’t take any Vicodin. He feels the pain so Wilson’s is lessened, because he CARES. They make a point to show that he is willing to care, willing to take on that burden for him.

House will do anything to stop the pain, unless it makes Wilson suffer.

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Wilson really does this then goes back to being boy bestfriends with House huh

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“I don’t do math because I’m gay” “the gays can’t do math” “If I explain math on tumblr I’ll lose my gay card” all of you apologize to Alan Turing right now 

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Love isn't about feeling good all the time. It's about seeing the flaws, and still choosing them. No matter what happens, I'll always choose you

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An alternate, better universe, in which Hawk goes home after Fire Island, and he finally has a real conversation with his family, some time after which he and Lucy decide to get a divorce – not out of resentment but out of respect for each other and themselves, finally.

Soon after that, Hawk moves to San Francisco.

He doesn’t move in with Tim. Tim is in a relationship with Arthur, and he’s not willing to drop everything and everyone in his life – a life he’s fought really hard for – just because Hawk is around. And Hawk is free for the first time in his life – he finally gets to sleep with whomever he sets his eyes on without secrecy. Drinking is still a problem, but he’s not trying to escape his life as desperately as before.

And, of course, they talk. At first, fairly infrequently, whenever the knowledge of the other’s proximity becomes overwhelming and irresistible. And then, more and more often. They start spending time together, both at their places and outside. The absence of the earlier paranoia is a foreign, giddying relief.

Arthur and other lovers fall away with time.

They don’t share promises or grand confessions even when they start sleeping together.

But, slowly, Tim starts to allow himself moments of cautious hope. Fantasies. He starts to trust Hawk’s presence in his life, even if it terrifies him. And Hawk is determined not to make a mistake this time. He’s determined to love Tim as completely as he knows how. As completely as he knows Tim has always deserved to be loved.

And it’s not going to be a fairy tale. Their relationship is complicated. They have baggage – both separately and together. They’re very different personalities. They’ll have fights. They’ll exchange careless words and run headfirst into past wounds. But they’ll be better. There. Together.

And that’s going to be enough.

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Fellow Traveler Scenes that make me sad

Hello everyone again!! This post is going to be another lengthy one, but I hope that you enjoy <3

(Yes I know there are a lot of these moments, but these are the ones from pretty much each episode that just shatter me each time)

In episode 1 when Marcus shows up you can see the scared look on Hawks face and then when Marcus is talking about Tim. I know a lot of things went down and Hawk kept his distance, but that doesn't mean he still wasn't scared.

Episode 2 when Hawk is making Skippy write that letter. You know 99% of those words are for Tim and you can see Hawk getting emotional when saying them and when Tim stops writing you know that he realizes that those words aren't just for Mary they are for Tim and that just shatters me.

Episode 3 when Hawk goes to Tim's apartment and even though Mary and Marcus had been telling him how bad things were, Hawk witnessing it for himself completely overwhelmed him and you could see it on his face. Also, when he excuses himself to the bathroom and almost starts crying because he realizes that he will be losing his Skippy sooner than he thinks. Then later in the restaurant when Tim is singing 'Perhaps' he looks at Hawk and some of the words he's singing and the force in which he says them you know are directed at Hawk and then he gets upset when he realizes he has embarrassed Hawk.

Episode 4 When Hawk has to take the lie detector test. Him having to mentally and physically prepare himself so that he can pass. Him lying about loving Tim (which was also was the longest pause of any of the questions), but that is also one of my favorite parts because he was wearing the tie Tim got him for Christmas, but the fact that he had to lie just to be able to keep his job. Just broke my heart, but also talking to Marcus you could tell that he felt completely guilty and broke his own heart. Also, in episode 4 which I know it's in the beginning when Hawk and Tim get into that huge fight and then at the end of the episode he apologizes, but Tim isn't there, but also him saying Skip instead of Skippy. There's just something about it that I can't explain.

Episode 5 Hawk not only breaks his own heart, but Tims too when he tells Tim that he's going to ask Lucy to marry him. When Hawk says that you can SEE it on his face that he doesn't want this to be happening and doesn't want to do it, but he FEELS like it's what he has to do. Also, Tim you can tell was absolutely shattered too and I know that's why he ends up signing up for the army. In this same episode when Hawk and Tim are in the bell tower and Hawk goes "Skippy, I didn't raise my boy to be a soldier." Hawk is so sad, broken, and doesn't want this to be happening. Also, Tim's "promise you won't write." These two love each other so much and it just pains me they can't be together the way they want to.

Episode 6 when Skippy comes to the house and looks in from the trees and sees Hawk with his family. I do love Tims bond with Jackson and the conversation they had about Hawk. In that moment you can tell Tim has no resentment fully towards Hawk at all and understands how he has to love and HOW he loves.

Episode 7 I know the threesome was sloppy and everything, but the small little moments between Skippy and Hawk just make me tear up. When Tim starts rubbing Hawks back and plays with his earlobe like he's always done thats my sign of him saying "I'm here for you and I've got you." The next part in this clip is when Hawk sees Jacksons picture and fully shuts down and starts to panic. Then him starting to break down and apologizing because he feels like he can't cry and Tim tells him its ok and then thats when Hawk fully lets go. Hawks "Let me die." Literally SHATTERS my heart. Hawk is so broken and hurt and that just makes me hurt. But when he full on has the breakdown is when I lost it. You can just see all the pain and anguish on his face. He really did need Skippy. At the end of the episode even though he has no one to blame, but himself, Hawk starting to panic and freak out about Skippy leaving and saying he's free of Hawk really got to him. He felt like he lost him again forever. Then the flash to the present of Hawk at the hospital while Skippy is in the hospital bed. The fear and sadness on his face. But that kiss to the forehead in a public place just makes me tear up so, so hard. It was the first time Hawk had done something like that in a public setting.

Finally episode 8 the one that never fails to make me SOB every time. Tim telling Hawk that he woke up not knowing who he was and Hawk saying "Timothy David Laughlin, that adorable Catholic Boy from Staten Island." Tim returning from the army and reuniting with Hawk (yeah I know that's not sad, but it is special) and him almost getting his dream job. Recommended by Hawk and then skip to the naked slow dance (which is just so beautiful and emotional in itself) you see Hawk so at peace and happy then he's ever been and then Tim says they will be colleagues and see each other every day. You could immediately see the panic and fear on Hawks face. Then you get Hawk turning Tim in and then crying to Mary (rightfully so). Then going to the hospital to see baby Jackson and immediately thats when we and Tim find out why Hawk did what he did, but it doesn't make it any easier. Skip to Hawk climbing into Tim's hospital bed and holding him and Tim saying "I feel like I'm fading away. I'm disappearing a little every day." the way he says it just shatters me (I'm crying even typing it). Then eventually Hawk asking if he owns a tuxedo, them at the gala, and of course Tim's speech to Hawk. "I have loved you my whole life. I've never loved anyone, but you. You were my great, consuming love. And most people don't get one of those. I did. I have no regrets." That whole part of the speech makes me cry every time. Add on top of Hawk's kiss and Tim savoring it and then teasing Hawk like he always does. Tim wiping away Hawk's tears. Hawk telling Tim that he wants to show up for Tim, but Tim (understandably) sends him home. Even though Tim is his home. The "Hey Skippy! Promise you won't write" "I won't" being their last words to each other. My goodness let the tears roll. (Again crying while typing this). Skip to the Aids Quilt and Hawk finds Tims square and Kimberly coming up to him. Hawk trying to hide his tears and then just letting them flow with the quote "Sweetheart, he wasn't my friend. He was the man I loved." *Cue more tears from me* I know it took him until after Tim died to admit it, but I choose to believe that in that moment Tim was looking down and would be so, so proud of Hawk. I'm also glad that he has Kimberly and she's still sticking by his side. But the show ending on that note is so beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time. I know this was another long one, but I'm so passionate about this show. Please feel free to share your favorite moments or even add to this!! I am up for conversation anytime :)

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Just thinking about how significant Hawk's Kenny Trauma is and how that affected his relationship with Tim and how it took him nearly three decades and the catalyst of a terminal illness to finally start to get over it only for it to be too late.

Hawk loved Kenny, a boy who loved beautiful things. Hawk ruined Kenny by falling in love with him ("I should've left you alone", he tells Tim). Kenny died for love of Hawk. Hawk couldn't see the same happen to Tim. No matter how much he loved Tim (and God, he loved him), Hawk couldn't overcome the trauma and fear of letting himself love another boy who loved beautiful things only to see them ruined because of it.

He really did the best thing he could do: give Tim a reason to never want to see him again.

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I’m trying to imagine what Hawk would do after the finale, after we see him for the last time with his daughter at the AIDS memorial. Because he’s so alone after Tim’s death; he doesn’t have a lover, his wife’s left him, he has two friends who live in San Francisco and a daughter who’s busy raising a family of her own.

The only thing I can imagine him doing is moving in with Marcus and Frankie in San Fran so he’s around people who understand not only him but also his grief. But I can’t see him moving on from his Skippy. Not after all the decades of loving him and yearning to express that freely.

I genuinely think all he does is try to cope. He sees his family occasionally, he hangs around with Marcus and Frankie and their friend group, and he tries to keep it together.

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It’s so deeply distressing how Hawk comes to the realization that he deserted Kenny …

… only to later reveal how he lost the men in his unit to war and eventually he’ll lose Tim to AIDS. The ultimate survivor’s guilt.

“Bulletproof”, indeed.

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Hawk and Skippy would've made the best old married couple.

Imagine the constant bickering 😭🤍

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HELLO MY FELLOW TRAVELERS!

I, like many viewers, have been completely entranced by Hawk and Tim’s love story in Fellow Travelers. As a mature queer person, this show has been very emotional, and I am deeply invested. (I WILL riot if Tim doesn’t get to die in Hawk’s arms, and know that he is, and has always been, loved by Hawk.) But I digress.

Something that I have been fascinated by are the differing opinions that have surfaced about the characters, especially Hawk. I’m not looking for any arguments here, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and this is simply mine. To me, Hawk falls hard and fast for Tim. He breaks all his own rules for Tim - they topple over like a house of cards.

When we are introduced to Hawk, he’s cold and heartless with the men he hooks up with - they are nothing more than a body to fulfil his sexual needs and desires. He doesn’t do repeats and he doesn’t bring them home. But Tim, he instantly begins returning to, gets him a job, then allows him into his own apartment, etc. When Tim pushes back, Hawk relents further, letting him in emotionally, sharing parts of his past, crossing lines by introducing him to others in his circle, and so on.

Hawk is a traumatised man, carrying guilt and anger and shame, and a bucket load of fear! Yes, he has some internalised homophobia, but interestingly, he’s also extremely righteous about his homosexuality -and I don’t believe he thinks being gay is wrong in any way. (His response to his father is indicative of this).

I can personally say that I’ve never thought it was wrong to be queer, yet I spent much of my life hiding who I was and feeling shame. It’s an odd thing! Perhaps it is that the shame forms purely from what is outside of us, while what is inside of us can love another person of the same sex, knowing it is right and pure. Perhaps these contradictions between self and society are what causes so much pain and conflict?

But back to Hawk. Hawk is undoubtedly most affected by his teenage first love experience. A love that he fucked up through his own fears (fear for many men is unacceptable and a sign of weakness), and now carries the burden of believing he is responsible for their death. Hawk doesn’t allow himself to love again, until Tim. And we see many times throughout the show how much Hawk fears losing Tim. And in the end he’ll have to face that fear. I think that, in part, not attempting to have a life with Tim, is also fuelled by his fear of fucking it up and losing Tim - so it’s easier to just not attempt it! In episode 7, when he loses his son, part of that spiral is Hawk recognising that he can’t really prevent loss, and he wasted his life trying to be something he’s not - still losing his child and Tim along with it.

But Hawk is a survivor! And no one has the right to hate or judge him for it. I don’t think some young people truly understand what it feels like to live in a world where who you love can put you in jail, and destroy your life. I grew up in the 70s/80s and my experiences were bad enough, but I try so very hard to think about what it was like before that! When being queer was a crime and a mental illness! That’s pure terror! And for Hawk, he chose to survive the best way he knew how, and he wasn’t able to change because that’s fucking hard when all you’ve known is living in constant ‘fight or flight,’ and when have chronic trauma and experience collective trauma.

I think in episode 8 we’ll finally get to see Hawk grow - I certainly hope so - because he deserves to be free. Our beautiful Skippy has been free for some time, and while we mourn for the cruelty of a world that would take such a truly decent man, I am glad he got to live freely. Being closeted is the worst kind of suffering- a compartmentalised and fragmented existence where you are never truly whole, and therefore can never be the best version of yourself.

Before I go, I just wanted to also talk about being in a closeted relationship-which I experienced in my youth. I think that Hawk and Tim’s intense and toxic and exquisitely beautiful relationship, in part, arises from this. Because two closeted people in love live their relationship in secret, in a bubble, only in certain rooms, with none of the outside world reflected back at them. It becomes the two of you against the world. It’s so insular. Hawk and Tim literally live their 1950s relationship within two rooms - their apartments. All their memories are held within those walls. And it only belongs to them. They know each in ways that no other living soul does. It’s all-consuming and often unhealthy, but also stupidly romantic.

Anyway, sorry for this long winded post that no one will read and is likely full of grammatical errors because I’m tired! This atheist is praying we get everything we need from episode 8! Acceptance, forgiveness, understanding resolution, healing and a whole lot of love! ❤️

Cheers queers! 🏳️‍🌈

PS Matt and Johnny are exquisite on and off screen and I am so thankful to them for bringing these characters and this story into our lives!