for-dear-michael

[for-dear-michael]

02, August 2021. Monday.

They say that some people are bound to separate ways. They also say that some aren't really in our fate. That they would just pass through in our lives, stay for awhile and then walk away. 

Some might say that we should wait for them. Some might say that we should patiently understand them. And some might say that maybe our sacrifices will be paid off someday. 

 Michael, I really like you. You are everything I want but I'm afraid of having. I wanna talk to you every second of the day. I wanna share to you how my day went, how my subjects/professors were an ass. How I want to have you around. How happy I am that you're still around. I wanna hear from you the words "You did great today, Dear" "Kick ass, woman" "Do your best, Dear" "Rise above!" "Delegate, Dear" coz those words are my motivations. You're one of the people that I looked up to during my darkest episodes. You are my shuddery dreams, the one I'm always afraid of losing. You're one of the people whom I can trust. You were like a human diary to me. 

Sorry if I may sound too expressive on how I feel for you, on how I like you to be with me when I know that it's somehow impossible. Sorry if I was a nagger. Sorry if I'm pushing myself too much towards you. Sorry if there were moments that I overstepped. Sorry if I almost break our boundaries. I just really wanted you to know how important you are to me. How awesome it would be if you and I are together. 

I wouldn't thought that I was going to be this head over heels for you. I understand that you are busy, that you have bunch of things to do. And that you have no time for my crap. It's really hard for me to just stare at my phone waiting for your messages. Damn, you are my favorite notification. But you know how much I respect your personal space. How I understand that I am the last person you'd looked up to. 

Michael, I really appreciate you. Thank you for the laughters. For sharing your little errands with me. For reminding me that I could do better than I was yesterday. For always cheering me up. For being goofy. You are my favorite bully. Thank you for that one hug you know I needed the most. Your embrace still lingers in me. Thank you for the voice messages you've sent me. Your voice is so calming that I would have to play it whenever I misses you. Thank you for trusting me, I know how private you are but I am so grateful that you've shared yourself with me. Thank you for accepting that I am somehow dark and twisted. God knows how I want you to be the father of my children. I would always imagine you holding hands with our kids, how you guys walk in the aisle of the court and sitting upfront beside your opponent. 

I know that we agreed on friendship over relationship. Sorry if I'm breaking it up. Sorry for feeling this way. Sorry if I can't help myself on getting attached. Those mixed signals really scared the hell outta me. Because somehow, I feel that I'm special to you, that somehow you wanted me to just stick around. I know this is my fault, because I chose to stay. I chose to make it personal. It's not you to blame here. It's me who mistakenly thought that we're on the same page. It's me who mistakenly thought that what we have are something else.

I don't wanna end this, believe me. But for how long would it take for me to move on from this? To detach myself? I can't really help myself not having mixed emotions. I guess we're the people who are bound to separate ways, who are meant to grow apart. 

I know you would be excellent on your own. I know you would do a great job with your career. And I will always be your number zero fan.  You will always have an incredible place in my heart, Michael. 

One last thing, I wanna ask you. Can I wait? Do you want me to wait for you? Do you want to take this slow? Let's take time? Or just accept that you and I will just be a memory to keep? 

But if time and fate will be siding on us and let us meet again, I would make myself available for you. 

Remember that, the moon is beautiful isn't it?

[for-dear-michael]

27th, July 2021. Tuesday.

I miss you everyday.

[for-dear-michael]

18th, June 2021. Friday.

Dear Michael,

10:25 PM.

Hindi ko talaga alam bakit ko ‘to ginagawa hahaha. 

Xoxo, Nela.

[for-dear-michael]

15th, July 2021. Thursday.

Dear Michael,

9:16 PM.

I hate it where I have to control myself not to message you. I got pissed. I just woke up tapos aattitude'an mo ako agad. And believe me, you are sweet. I mean, small things matters to me. And you're not heartless my dear.

I miss talking to you, Michael. But I'm not in the right place to complain, right? Anyway, the moon is beautiful, isn't it?

Xoxo, Nela.

[for-dear-michael]

3rd, July 2021. Saturday.

Dear Michael, 

3:03 AM.

Tagal ko na din atang walang entry. Bawi ako after ng summer class. Ang daming school works, fucking PE and NSTP. :>> 

Anyway, you stay awesome okay? Dream of me charet hahaha. 

Xoxo, Nela.

[for-dear-michael]

25th, June 2021. Friday.

Dear Michael, 

5:19 PM

Henlo, mag-eentry muna ako before ako umalis. 6:00 pm call time namen, lalantod lang ako saglit. I just wanna put your artworks here. :>> Hindi ko malagay yung video na sinusulat mo yung “Ang ganda mo.” :>

Anw, stay awesome Atty. I crush you hahaha.

Xoxo, Nela.

[for-dear-michael]

23rd, June 2021. Sunday.

Dear Michael, 

1:30 AM.

06-20-2021. Trees Residences. Our first meet. 

Realtalk, hindi ko sinasadya na doon ko mabook yung sa airbnb wala na kasing choice and time since nasa daan na kami nung binook ko ‘yon. I swear hindi ko sinasadya, pero at some point okay na din kasi nagkita tayo hahaha. Thank you so much kasi nautusan kita hahaha. Kita naman sa mata ko na happy ako rito e no? Hahaha. 

Natatawa ako kasi pinagbitbit kita, sorry talaga hahaha. Sorry for taking pictures without your permission. For future purposes only hahaha. 

This day was so memorable to me, sobrang sentimental ko lang talagang tao kaya I had to document stuffs like this. 

Ps. You look so damn fine with that hoodie. Marry me already ugh.

Xoxo, Nela.

[for-dear-michael]

15th, June 2021. Tuesday.

Dear Michael,

12:01 AM. 

Made this playlist for ya! Enjoy!

 https://open.spotify.com/playlist/31nwAAZNmcum0EVlYI8RpO?si=2bbae8ea95ce482b

Xoxo, Nela.

[for-dear-michael]

14th, June 2021. Monday.

Dear Michael, 

9:56 PM.

Henlo. Nahihiya na ako mag-entry dito kasi feeling ko mababasa mo lagi. Which is possible since sinend ko sa’yo ‘to natural mababasa mo talaga. Anyway, adjusting ako sa bago kong sleeping pattern. Ewan ever since nung nalaman kong sa madaling araw ka gising, ganon na din ako. Maybe because alam kong ganong oras na lang kita makakausap? You’re aware naman that I like talking to you, kahit sampong convo lang palitan natin sa isang araw okay na ako. Cheesy yarn hahaha. Dito ko lang naman din kasi nakukwento mga ganap ko sa life kasi hindi kita machika kasi sabi mo ang daldal ko hahaha plus you’re studying so.

Anyway, this entry was just so random. I hope you’re doing fine and awesome. And oh nandito na ang bestfriend mo! May magpagkukwentuhan ka na ng mga ganap mo sa life! Gusto na ng apo diba? One call away lang ako kapag bibigyan mo na. Charing hahahaha.

Xoxo, Nela.

[for-dear-michael]

13th, June 2021. Sunday.

Dear Michael, 

8:17 AM.

Astraea died today. 

[for-dear-michael]

10th, June 2021. Thursday.

Dear Michael,

10:06 am.

Friends? I think that's better than nothing. 🙂

You take care, Michael. Okay? And keep me posted, I wanna know what you are up to. Okay? Hay.

Xoxo, Nela.

[for-dear-michael]

9th, June 2021. Wednesday.

Dear Michael, 

8:52 PM.

Hi. So I guess that’s it? 

Thank you so much, Michael. You will always be my person. Soar high my future lawyer! 

Xoxo, Nela.

[for-dear-michael]

1st, June 2021. Tuesday.

Dear Michael,

11:56 PM.

Hi, Atty. Wala lang, miss you hahaha. Ipapasa ko yung mga exam ko ngayon, I promise. Takot ko lang talaga na hindi mo na ako kausapin. Stay awesome my future lawyer!

Wala miss lang kita talaga, ‘yun lang.

Xoxo, Nela.

[for-dear-michael]

28th, May. Friday.

Dear Michael, 

10:24 PM.

Naiinis akong tunay. Birthday mo pala kahapon grrr. Hindi ko talaga matandaan if naitanong ko ba sa’yo ‘yon or nakalimutan ko lang or hindi mo talaga nabanggit or ewan ko ba. Tapos sobrang odd pa nung pagkakasabi mo “tumanda na naman ng isa” :)) Feeling ko ang walang kwenta kong kaibigan kapag hindi ako nakakabati ng 12 am. Ewan ko ba hahaha. Naiirita akong tunay talaga Michael.

Anw, happy happy birthday Michael dear! Thank you for always having my back, especially nung time na kinuha samin ang tito. Sobrang naappreciate kita nung mga time na ‘yon. You never pushed me to become less. Lagi din akong nandito for you! Alam ko naman na one day hindi na tayo magkakausap but know that Jannela Marie once existed in your life and it will remind you to become a better person or not chour hahaha. I will always look from a far and support you in any way possible. You will always have a special place in my heart, Michael. I know you will succeed soon. Soar high my future lawyer! 

Crush nga pala kita Atty, just so you know. :>

Xoxo, Nela.

Play me: https://open.spotify.com/album/4BFPjsCqMIp0oLEEBGLRO7

[for-dear-michael]

26th, May 2021. Wednesday.

Dear Michael, 

11:47 PM.

Hi Dear. You said masakit ulo mo ngayon daz why you went outside para magpahangin. Hope you get better! Drink your meds please! And eat, and take a shower na para mapreskuhan ka. Maliligo ka kasi, ang bantot bantot mo.

Anyways, thank you Michael for being there virtually. I really appreciate you. Thank you for motivating me to study. Thank you for reminding me that I could do more. And as I said, gusto kita laging kausap but it’s quite impossible because we’re busy. Thank you for seeing me as “nakakatuwa” na kahit hindi mo alam kung ano. Iniisip ko kung anong dahilan kaso sabi mo ‘wag ko na isipin edi don’t hahaha. Thank you for accepting my goofiness. Remember nung naligo ako ng ulan? Hahaha. Michael, I always look forward to meet you soon. 

I’m praying for you and your family all the time. I pray that no matter how bullshit your life is, how frustrating your course is, I’m hoping that you’ll see a clear path to go on with it. 

I am so kilig kapag nagsesend ka ng random pics which you don’t normally do on a daily basis. Ahk. I hate it when I got so happy about it grr. Hate you.

Always have a great day. And stay awesome, Atty! Okay? Okay.

Xoxo, Nela.

Ps. Ayokong pumasok ka sa politics talaga. Ayokong mabyuda nang maaga. :>

Pps. Pogi mo. :P

[for-dear-michael]

2021, May 19th. Wednesday.

Dear Michael,

1:34 AM.

It's been days since my last entry. Sorry! I had to do a looot of schoolwork. Dapat gagawa din ako ngayon kaso pahinga muna since nabuburnout na ako kakagawa. Like puro revisions and proofreading etc. I know you too are waaay busier than me.

Yung mga screenshots na ilalagay ko dito is yung mga pamuwisit mo sa akin ngayong gabe. Aliw na aliw ako sa mga pamuwisit mo kahit na lagi akong pikon. Kagalang galang kang tao tapos ganito ka mamwisit :) Ewan ko na lang talaga sa makakasama mo sa future, hindi na ako magtataka kung babalibagin ka ng pinggan sa sobrang harot mo. Pero syempre hindi naman ako papayag na iba ‘yon, so wala kang choice kundi saluhin mga ibabato ko sa’yo. Haahaha.

And may sinend akong photo na nakita ko sa twitter, dapat isesend ko ‘yan agad nung nakita ko kaso busy pa tayo nung mga oras na ‘yon kaya late ko na nasend. Alam ko na isasagot mo, and confirmed tama ako hahaha. ._.  And ngayon ko nalaman na hindi ka kumakain ng lechon. :) Ang lungkot ng buhay mo, ang sarap sarap ng lechon!!!! Lalo yung balat! GRrr.

This is what I need after a long tiring day, your humor’s keeping me bubbly. Thank you for always catching up even with your busiest days. I mean I know these were all nothing for you, but to me it’s a lot. I really appreciate you. You are my person! Always take care my future lawyer! Okay? Okay.

Xoxo, Nela.

[for-dear-michael]

2021, May 16th. Sunday.

Dear Michael, 

1:32 AM.

My heart is so full and happy. I don’t know what it feels but it’s seems like butterflies were swirling. 

Yesterday, akala ko talaga pawala na yung conversation and all kasi nga hindi naman na tayo nakakapagusap kasi busy tayo with school and other stuff. It saddens me a bit kasi I really love talking to you. I feel like home whenever we talk. I can be whatever I wanna be when you’re around. I don’t need to put on my pony layers just to be someone that I’m not because I know you want me to be me. 

Before going to bed, you asked me what if you want to have a child with me. With no hesitations, I said yes. Alam mo naman kung gaano ko kagustong magkaanak na. And the mere fact na I really like kids, so issa yes agad. And it was you that’s asking duh. I was surprised na tinanong mo ako neto kasi alam ko living proof ka ni Yang. I know it’s the alcohol that was speaking but I felt happy.

With you saying these things on how I’ll become as a mom, mas lalo kong gustong magkaanak. It’s too good to be true na gusto mong magkaanak sa’ken. I wanna believe it’s true but maybe let’s talk in the morning when you’re sober hahaha. 

If only you knew, how much my friends wants me to have a child already hahaha baka paliparin kita ngayon papunta dito para gumawa hahaha. Ang sarap sa feeling na marinig sa’yo ‘yan, alam kong mamahalin mo ang anak ko nang sobra. Alam kong kahit anong mangyare kahit mawala na ko, basta okay yung anak mo okay ka na din. 

I know you would do the same. Never mo ikakahiya yung anak ko/mo sa ibang tao lalo na kung ikaw yung ama niya. 

Naiimagine ko na hawak hawak mo sa kamay yung anak mo/ko habang papasok sa korte. Tapos behave lang siya kasi alam niyang magtatrabaho ang daddy niya. Ang happy ko sa thought na naiimagine ko kung paano ka maging ama sa kanila. 

Michael, whatever happens to us keep in mind that I am willing to be the mother of your children. I don’t know why am I so sure with this but all I can say is “Yes, I want to have a child with you.” Regardless of the judgement that will be thrown to us, I would really be happy to be called “Mommy” from our kids. 

You’ll be a great father to our child, Michael. I can feel that. Please guide them as they grow up. Please bare with them when they’re having tantrums. Please hold their hands when they feel scared and alone. Please bare with their Momma for being straight forward and strict. It’s only you whom I can trust to be the father of my children. 

Dear, love my kids more than anything. Okay? Okay.

Ps. Marry me muna before tayo mag-anak. I wanna get married muna before having kids hehe. HAAHAHAHA. Segway. :P

Xoxo, Nela.