for-when-i-look-back

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I am addicted to what I cannot have

Even so, I yearn for what never was.

I have spent my life in art, in understanding what emotions truly are. I have always been ashamed to be witnessed in the act of wanting something I could not have.

with intensity, I imagine that you are able to love me enough to desire to come back for me— enough to think of me with this heartbreaking when I think of you. And I am overwhelmed

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I loved you like Icarus loved the sun, too close and too much

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I fought for us when you were like this, why couldn't you do it for me?

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Call my name when you've grown.

Text me after a long night full of rivers

I will answer that call

and if you cannot love me the same

or if by perchance you have moved on

I will still hope for you

in every shooting star

in every fallen eyelash

when four one's appear on the clock

I wish for you in every single one...

so call my name in the highest peak and I will answer you from anywhere

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Children are so gullible about the world

you tell them about how fallen eyelashes grant wishes

or how shooting starts make their dreams come true

and they genuinely think they'll change something.

Right now all I want to be is a child.

Believing that I can wish something away,

genuinely forget about how the world works

just be gullible...

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We all broke rule no. 5 for someone.

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Had Icarus loved the sun any less and he wouldn't have burnt to the ground in flames. The story of icarus isn't a tragedy, but a story of a man who loved so much that he fell just to catch a glimpse of a star– it is the symbolism of resilience in love.

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We have made no progress in understanding our existence in the universe. There are theories to why but none as fascinating as this.

I think, life exists because the universe simply wants to experience itself. As atoms create planets, stars, and galaxies— we are cut from the same cloth. As we write poetry, create art, and comprehend eternal complexity. Our synaptic impulses are essentially made from the same bursts of energy during a thunderstorm. As we look at the stars for orion and scorpio, we too, have constellations etched in our complexion. Perchance this may be why we feel so insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe, we are simply miniscule versions of heavenly realities staring back at the void with deafening silence to pair our solitude.

We think of life so cryptic and enigmatic that perhaps we are the galaxies wanting to feel the dirth beneath our feet. To enjoy the light as it kisses our skin. To love and to feel despite the incommensurate ephemirality that awaits all mortal souls. I think life doesn't have to be complex. I think our purpose is simply to be– nothing more.

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Do not trust people like me. I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and I will kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth. I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand why storms are named after people.

-weteevee

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I was literally in love with you. Now, I dare you to find someone who would break their entire identity just so they could show you how they love.

i dare you to find someone who would be obsessed with you like I was?

I dare you to find someone willing to invalidate their feelings for you?

I dare you to find someone who would drop acads to call you?

I dare you to find someone who is willing to skip vacations just to meet you?

I dare you to find someone who would silently suffer just so you wouldn't?

I dare you to find someone who would be willing to tell you everything, the good and the bad parts, despite knowing it wkuld change the relationship?

I dare you to find someone who would help you in your homework even though they were pilled up eith their own?

I dare you to find someone who makes time for you despite their busy schedule?

I dare you to find someone who literally lost opportunities for you?

I dare you to find someone who worked part-time just so they could meet you?

I dare you to find someone who would anticipate your emotions?

I dare you to find someone who would write an entire book for you?

I dare you to find someone who spilled their soul in ink just so you could get a glimpse of what you made him feel?

I dare you to find someone who settled to be the second choice for a huge portion of the relationship?

I dare you to find someone who is patient enough?

I dare you to find someone who would, hesitantly, burn bridges for you even though it inconvenienced them?

I dare you to find someone who would give you everything they had left, and more, just so they could settle for your love?

I dare your heart not to remember me when the next one treats you with the fraction of my love.

I was willing to burn the world for you, only if you were willing to love me despite it all....

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Don't you dare try to argue back. You have no idea what I felt in the entire relationship. You have no idea how much I hid from you just so we could be at peace, even now. You have no idea... so don't you dare explain to me why I shouldn't feel this way because of the good things you did or because of the bad things I did. Those bad things I did were reflections of how you treated me as a partner... They have always been reflections.

I have always reciprocated, ten fold, on hkw you treated me. That goes for good and bad.

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And if you say I've never treated you right. I was literally fine before I met you.

I now suffer from depressive episodes. Anxiety and fewr of uncertainty. My life is in pieces and I am the one left picking them up. I have panic attacks, my grades have significantly deteriorated... I had something to live for before I met you. Now I actually entertain the thought of death.

I pity myself and the worst part is I still want you back. I can't hate you for what you did... and I still hope that when we come it'll be different.

don't get me wrong. before all of this... it was the perfect state. the complements. the lovebombing. the intimacy. it was perfect. it was the perfect equilibrium sa relationship... I finally felt like I was treated right. You were capable all this time, not towards me, but towards others you were capable. And rarely did you ever show that side of you untill I had to beg you for it

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I have always suffered in silence, I find myself straddling the line of vengeance when in pain. I hate that I forgive too easily... I hate that I treated myself badly. I hate myself, but I could never find myself hating you despite everything you've done to me. You say I treated you badly but you've never treated me right from the start, and my actions were simply a result of that... All I wanted was to be treated right. It wasn't that hard... I provided notes, extensive conversations, and I was always met with "I'm not that type of person." That's not within my values. Do you truly impose your values on your partner simply because they do not adhere...

I am at the edge of giving up. I cannot keep going on like this. I had needs... I invalidated those needs for your comfort. I tried my best not to be in the way, you always demanded and demanded and demanded and you didn't even realize you were doing the same thing you demanded me to stop... I would've forgiven it all. Only, if only, you would've treated me right from the start.

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A world without you is a world that doesn't make sense

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I will write our story in the ruins of us.

Here in the confines of intangible texts and photos. I will write us here.

I will tell the world stories of what it was like to write for you, to argue with you, to feel you, to sleep a sweet slumber, to fantasize life, to romanticize your mundane acts, and to love you.

I will paint you across this page. This is the language my heart speaks for you.

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Whatever revenge I wanted. It was not worth losing you

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i know you like sleeping on top of my chest. hearing my heart beat while my lungs expand of air. I love the silence when we do just that, the ambiance muffled by the sound of a television. It silences the thoughts I have. I hope I get to gatekeep this moment with you... forever. :‹ please... I don't believe in a god but I do thank them for letting me experience your love