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feeling so sick

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vhope i die AHHHH

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hi vent blog hiiiii vent blog hii haiiii

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i dont feel like im a human to any1.. to my friends im more of a personality than a human. they either romanticize or make fun of my every trait, nvr understanding that i actually am Just like them and have feelings too!! 2 my family im just my accomplishments... i dont think theyd have any reason to be proud of me at all if i wasnt getting good grades, and i think i tanked my gpa this quarter (i got lots of mental health issues+ im suspecting exec dysfunction). im not all that pretty, not all that smart, awkwar,d, antisocial, overly anxious; i dont have any talents, and if it were up to me id just stay in my room all the time never getting out of bed. theres no reason to be proud of me besides my academics. if i lose those theres nothing. i dont see why anyone would have a reason to love me. nobody really does techinically, just what they picked out of me . it is so dehumanizing

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this week has genuinely been so shitty i just want to curl up and cry forever. its nothing 2 be happy abt i just keep ruining everything. i dont even want a career i dont want any of this. after i come back home i have no fucking idea what ill do. i hate all of this i feel so uncomfortable in my life right now but no one can see or care

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litrally Fully dont think i can do this anymore. trauma has ruined me. my response to any emotion or feelign is just either numbness or self hatred. how can i do 40+ more years of this and being alone i literally cant i want to be DONE

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hope i die pt 243492035092485

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i want to kill myself