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forthedarkness · 2 years ago

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Please stop making spn posts just let it die please

here’s the thing- i will not be doing that.

you see, there’s so much shit in this world. the horrors. the terrors. all of it. they’re out there. and something that makes the horrors and the terrors and all the other shit a little easier for me to deal with is talking about a silly little fifteen year long collective fever dream. it’s one of the last vestiges of adolescence i have.

when i was being tossed about in the sea of my grief, it was spn that kept me from drowning. it was misha collins dubbing himself my nemesis and participating in the mishapocalypse 2.0 that gave me a distraction i needed so terribly in the early days of me trying to learn how to be an only child. he didn’t have to. he could have ignored the whole thing. but he didn’t. and that’s something so special to me i don’t think i’ll ever have the words to articulate the depths of my gratitude. because the first time i felt joy after my brother dying was at a supernatural convention. it was when i asked misha about the silly comment and he had a screenshot of it on his phone ready to show me to prove he had done it, that was the first time i realized that one day i wouldn’t feel so full of nothing i didn’t have room for anything else. it was the community i made there that showed up for me time and time and time again that made me realize i may be lonely, but i wasn’t alone. and that wasn’t the first time the community around that show had made me feel that. and I’m certain it won’t be the last.

the first time i ever encountered fandom in full force was in 2013. that’s a decade of my life. and it’s because i decided to watch supernatural. and it was in this fandom space that i ever felt seen and heard and valued. for the first time in my life, i felt like i mattered. and my thoughts mattered. it wasn’t until i found fandom by way of spn that i realized i had value and worth. it was that show that gave me some of the best friends i could have ever asked for. it is because of the spn fandom that i have been given so many opportunities. that i have a way to make an actual difference.

and it has continued to do that for me. even ten years later. there are people who i didn’t know existed less than a year ago who i couldn’t imagine my life without now. people who have been to my home. people who have become my home. people i have flown across the country to see and people who have flown across the country to see me. people who are my family. and i met them because we share the same level of brain rot for a cw show that caused a great deal of damage to our psyches.

we get to curate our internet experience. we get to look at and talk about and post about what we want. and if someone posts something we don’t care for, we don’t have to look at it or engage with it or interact with it. we can scroll. we can block. we can ignore. we each get to carve out our own little space online. we get to build a little home. and my home is full of my love for a lot of things. for avatar: the last airbender and the hunger games and percy jackson and fandom and fanfic in general. my love for poetry and art and words. and yes, my love for a show that ended over two years ago that has haunted corners of the internet since 2005. i have a lot of love for a lot of things. so i talk about and post about the things that i love because i don’t ever want to look back and say, “my god, i should have loved more.” and i’m allowed to do that. because this is my space. i built it just for me.

this silly little show with it’s silly little characters is the one thing i have from Before that has remained unchanged. and even if that weren’t the case. even if i didn’t have all this sentimentality attached to it. even if it was never a lighthouse, a buoy for me. even if it was just something i casually enjoyed. i would still post about it. because it makes me happy. because i’m not hurting anyone by enjoying it. because it’s given me a little blip of light in a dark world. and you don’t have to consume it if you don’t want to. that’s the beauty of all of us living in different houses. we can visit who we want, when we want. and we don’t have to visit the houses we don’t to. how wonderful it is, that we are the gods of this small thing. we get to create and dismantle and create again. as many times as we want. because this is our space to do with what we want.

and i want to post about my love for all things, including hit cw show supernatural. and i can. so i will. because i’m the one living in this house. and no one is making you come visit.

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forthedarkness · 4 years ago

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See THIS is exactly why I ship them so hard. Their mutual trauma being healthily explored and shared, so that they can heal together, instead of dragging them down and being toxic...the connection they have, UGH. This is perfect. It fits every headcanon I have for them so perfectly, I love it!!!

Two Broken Halves

Casey Novak x Alex Cabot Warnings: language, very minor angst/lots of emotions. Covers the “Love Somebody” by Maroon 5 square of storiesofsvuoneyearbingo

When Alex returned to New York she was worried, still a little scared, she wasn’t sure how to act, how to be or cope. She was apprehensive about returning to the D.A’s office right away, if she even wanted to. Part of her wanted to seek out her old friends, get comfort in familiar times, but every time she thought about picking up the phone she remembered the look in Olivia’s eyes, the one that had changed, that saw her as a victim. She knew Olivia couldn’t help it, it was the way she tried to help trauma survivors through their coping, but it stung. The entire time she’d been back for the Connors trial that hidden guilt never left those brown eyes. Alex wanted to feel like she was back where she was supposed to be, waltzing back into the precinct with her attitude held high, smirk on her cheeks and then she’d remember that it had been four years. People changed, life moved on, she’d been so out of touch she had no idea what had happened in that time frame for any of her old friends, and she knew some of it probably wasn’t an easy update over a drink. It was a long time, a lot could have happened, a lot did happen and she wasn’t ready to confront that bridge yet.

She instead found herself in a bar around the corner from her new apartment, the one that felt too cold, too bare as her things lay in packed boxes on the floor. She wasn’t ready to figure out who she was yet, she figured she could avoid it as long as possible if her old things stayed hidden out of view. The bar wasn’t her typical choice, then again, she wasn’t her typical self anymore. She’d sat herself against the side wall at a high table, a spot her subconscious deemed safe, one where she could see the front entrance and the exit to the kitchen, nothing behind her. It was one of those things she didn’t even realize she did. Half sulking in her drink as she tried not to get lost in her self sympathy a flutter of movement up at the bar half grabbed her attention and her eyes widened slightly at a familiar face looking back at her.

Casey’s hair was longer, blonder with a slight strawberry tinge to it, and in the past four years she’d aged perfectly. Though Alex could sense that the level of confidence the prosecutor had held in the Connors case was completely diminished, she looked a little lost herself as she hesitantly approached the table.

“Am…I allowed to say hi?” Casey’s brow furrowed, she hadn’t heard anything about Alex being back yet and didn’t want to risk something blowing up. Alex huffed out a laugh,

“Yeah.” She sucked back some of her drink, letting out a heavy sigh, “I’m myself again…or at least…I’m supposed to be.” Alex gestured to the spare chair, “have a seat.”

“Thanks.” Casey smiled gently, taking in the shrunken frame of the blonde, “are…you back at work?” Alex looked up at that, a look of confusion splayed across her features.

“Wouldn’t you already know that?”

“Uhu..” Casey huffed a small laugh, swigging back on her scotch, “not exactly…” she mirrored Alex’s shy glance up at her, not really wanting to admit to such a renowned prosecutor, “I got censured four months ago. My licence is suspended for three years.”

“Who’d you piss off?”

“Petrovsky. Donnelly. For a start… I think I was already on my last leg.”

“What was the straw that broke the camel’s back?” Alex watched as Casey’s features grimaced, and she nearly snorted, “c’mon, it’s not like I’m at the office, I’m not even talking to anyone from that crowd. I can’t press someone for gossip.” Casey’s features softened in surprise at that her eyes widening at the blonde before she pursed her lips and answered.

“A fucking brady violation.” She swung back her drink, “I…stretched the truth about lab reports. It was a cold case, the DNA had been comprised but the bastard…he deserved to go down. You don’t get to rape two little girls and kill one and just keep being a cop. It shouldn’t work like that.”

Alex’s resolve softened at the way she watched a hint of frustration tears gather in Casey’s eyes, the way her voice both hardened and nearly choked at the same time. Even from their short trial time together, she knew Casey took her cases seriously, and wore her emotions on her sleeve, that she was deeply passionate about getting justice for the right people. Her hand slid across the table, squeezing at the other woman’s forearm softly.

“I’m sorry.”

Her voice was softer than Casey had heard before, hell it was softer than any voice she’d heard over the past few months as those last few arguments replayed constantly in her brain. How upset Elizabeth had been with her, someone who was her mentor, who had looked out for her for years, completely irate with how Casey had played with the law.

The small sentimental moment was broken by a pop echoing through the bar, Alex jumped, her entire body stiffening as Casey watched panic fly through her eyes as they darted through the room.

“Hey…” Casey’s voice was impeccably quiet, her hand feather light on Alex’s wrist to grab her attention without spooking her further, “it was just a champagne bottle…”

“Sorry…” Alex felt her cheeks flush as she stared into her drink, her heart still racing in her chest, “I just…” she shrugged, feeling the start of embarrassment tears prickling into her eyes, not ready to look up yet.

“I know.” Casey squeezed her wrist softly, “I still triple check the locks and I can’t sleep unless the hall light’s on.”

“What?” She murmured, her brow furrowing when she glanced up at the other woman. Her first surprise was that there was no look of pity in the green eyes that stared back at her, Casey wasn’t looking at her like a victim, but as a friend.

“A story for another time.” She gave her a small smile, “we all have our own baggage. If you ever want to talk, I’m here.”

“I don’t even know where to start, I’m just a little…lost…”

“So am I.” Casey let out a heavy sigh, her shoulders weighing her entire body down.

Suddenly Alex could see the exhaustion in her face, the heavier bags under her eyes that certainly weren’t from staying up all hours doing trial prep. The emptiness within her from not knowing what to do now, having no idea where to go without the job she was so passionate about. She knew exactly how Casey felt, surviving in a place where your life once thrived, feeling like you no longer belonged in a place you’d called home for nearly your entire life.

“Would you…want to get out of here?” Alex asked quietly. Casey’s head shot up to hers, curiosity on her face and Alex faltered, “not, like that…at least not now.” The second half of her statement was barely above a whisper, so quiet Casey thought she’d imagined it, “just…to talk I guess? I still get kinda anxious being out for too long, but my apartment just feels so fucking empty.”

“Yeah.” Casey smiled, “that sounds great.”

That’s how it started.

An innocent run in in a city they both knew like the back of their hand but one that now made them feel completely disoriented with no idea which path they were supposed to take.

Casey and Alex found solace in each other. While the situations that lead them here may not have been the same, they both knew the world they’d left behind, and as the days bled into weeks, they started to uncover each other’s traumas, little habits one had to a full blown admission. A small coffee meet once a week turned into lunch or drinks every second day. Casey helped Alex unpack her apartment, helped her go through everything, deciding what she would want to keep and what wasn’t part of who she was anymore.

By the end of the first month, the two were completely comfortable with each other. Most nights they’d grab dinner somewhere in the city, never planning on staying too late, followed up by a movie or bottle of wine at one of their apartments before splitting ways. Alex still panicked about being out at night, knowing this, Casey usually chose restaurants closer to her apartment, and encouraged the after hangout there instead of her own place.

Thursday nights were their favourites, a lot of places had specials on, and the air felt like it was a weekend, but nowhere was as busy as it would be on a Friday or Saturday. Tonight, had been one full of joy, laughter as they exchanged horrifically embarrassing stories of their days at Harvard, how hard they’d bombed their first court appearances. Alex was laughing so hard at the comical way the other woman was telling her story there were tears streaking across her aching cheeks. Mid story Casey glanced over, the sparkle in those sapphire eyes so evident that it made her heart swell. She took immense pride in knowing that she was able to be the one to make Alex smile so brightly in a time that had previous been so dark. Alex noted the way she paused, the wild grin still on her face as she wiped away a tear.

“What?” She laughed out. Casey smiled, shaking her head.

“Nothing.” She pushed up from the couch, “more wine?”

“Please.”

Alex smiled, watching the way she easily moved through her apartment as if it was her own, as if she belonged there. Maybe the realization hit in that moment, maybe it had been lingering in the back of her brain for longer than she’d known, but that was the night she registered the fluttering in her chest as not anxiety, but the adoration of having Casey around. It wasn’t her body kicking her into fight or flight mode, it was her heart trying to get to notice what was right in front of her.

When the bottle of wine was drained, and the movie was over, the two were noticeably closer to each other, Casey’s arm nearly thrown around Alex as it rested on the back of the couch. The blonde shivered slightly as Casey’s hand tickled over her bare shoulder as she stood, moving into the kitchen. The t.v quietly droned into a commercial break and Alex couldn’t help but follow her to the other room.

“Just rinse ‘em” she stated, referring to the glasses when Casey went to pick up the soap. She raised a brow to her, but did as was asked.

“I guess I should head out.” She sighed.

“You could always stay…” Alex dared herself to say it, stepping an inch closer to her, letting her hands drop to her sides, “if you wanted?”

“Al..” She felt her chest tighten, worried that the blonde just wanted company, didn’t want to be alone in the dark, “is that a good idea?”

“I’m right in front of you, asking you to stay.” She hesitated, her hand curling into Casey’s, “I care about you…I guess more than I thought at first.”

Casey’s hand tugged Alex to her, her other hand softly cupping at her cheek, thumb stroking at her skin while green eyes searched blue. She wasn’t sure what she was waiting for, lost for words as she lost herself in Alex’s eyes before the blonde nodded ever so lightly. Alex tilted her head in Casey’s palm, lips meeting as the gap closed between them. A soft and gentle kiss to break the ice, warm the potentially chilled waters of the past. The hands that had been holding slid around waists, tugging bodies tighter together, lips dancing with grace, only breaking when the need to resurface for air was dire.

Casey held her tight, resting against her forehead as her eyes still fluttered shut, breathing deeply as she tried to ground herself in the situation. Alex’s body was warm against hers, it was welcomed, it felt as if she’d finally stepped off the edge of a cliff she’d been toeing for years.

“I don’t know if I can do this.” She whispered out, her eyes squeezed for a moment, attempting to shove her emotions back deep within her. They flickered open at the soft feel of Alex kissing the tip of her nose, her gentle fingers coming up to rest on Casey’s cheeks.

“I’m not him…” Alex replied, the reassurance apparent in her eyes, “I promise I won’t hurt you. Not like that, Case I could never. You’re the most important person in my life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

The softness of her words, the feather light way her hands traced across Casey’s skin, along with the gentle pleading written across her face brought the emotions out. Casey felt a tear slip from her eye, it was met with a gentle sweep of Alex’s thumb, instantly drying her cheek.

“I’ve got you.” She murmured, pulling Casey into a warm hug, “and I don’t want to let go.”

“Neither do I.” Casey spoke and Alex felt a small shudder run through the other woman’s body, “but if I fall for you, I’ll never recover.” She pulled away slightly, her fingers tipping Casey’s chin up to gain her gaze.

“I am not going to break you Casey Novak. You’ve already helped put so much of me back together, you’re a part of me now. If you want that part to stay as just friends, I understand.”

“I would love to be more than just that part of you.”

“Then stay.” Alex kissed her forehead, “fall.” She kissed the tip of her nose, “you’ll never have to recover, because I’ve got you.” She waited for Casey’s lips to twitch up in a smile, the tiniest of nods before she kissed her lips, her own curving up in a smile as Casey’s arms tightened around her.

“How does that saying go?” She murmured, “two broken halves make a whole?”

Alex chuckled, kissing her gently once more.

“Something like that.”

___________ @charabs @natasha-danvers @ineedafinghug @billiedeannovak @stardust-galaxies @laurenhope13 @randomthingssss @farahs-faeling @beccabarba @imlike-so-gaydude @thatesqcrush @altsvu @gay-ass-bitch @whimsicallymad @oliviaswifey @mysticfalls01 @cmmndrwidw @bumblebear30 @enduringalexblake @denpine @wosoimagines @snowsgay19 @nocreditinthestraightworld @Aprylrxse @screenee @lawandorderimagines @imaginaryoperagloves

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forthedarkness · 4 years ago

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This is SO beautiful and perfectly captures the lingering feelings, the remorse, Casey waiting for Alex...UGH!! So good.

kryptonite (a calex fic)

Kryptonite

Alex/Casey 5k (angst-ish? Idk, I usually stick to fluff). @whiteberryx this was the fic that interrupted the WIP et.all…

Keep reading

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forthedarkness · 4 years ago

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AHHH I LOVE THEM!!! This is so adorable 🥺

Spring Showers

*notmy images*

Casey Novak x Alexandra Cabot Warnings: language, briefest mentions of smut Square 1 of storiesofsvuoneyearbingo . Prompt “caught in the rain”

Alex was used to spending her spring break and summers out in the Hampton’s, where the air wasn’t so clogged with buildings and stifling with heat, the breeze off the ocean keeping things at a pleasurable temperature. And on the days it wasn’t, a quick walk through the waves would have you cooled down faster than you could imagine. As she moved through life, those vacations became less and less, because the law never sleeps, it doesn’t matter what time of year it was. While she’d hoped to be able to spend what was normally the warmth of spring break out near the ocean with her girlfriend, Casey had simply mentioned that was the finals for the department’s softball team.

Which is why as the June sun beat down through the city of New York, Alex was doing her best not to burn her exposed legs on the heat from the bleachers. She was thankful for the chilled thermos of rose wine Casey had snuck her, and the companionship of Captain Cragen, even if they were technically cheering for opposite teams. Not that Alex had any idea how baseball worked, she just enjoyed watching Casey crack hits further out into the field than anyone else could, particularly enjoying the way the muscles in her back rippled. The same muscles that Casey could easily use to pin the blonde down in a more private environment.

She exchanged pleasantries and small conversation with Don, laughing over stories, the two of them both happy to not be battling over legalities in the moment. Alex fumbled over a reply as Casey shot her a wink on her way in from a home run and she felt her cheeks flush at the small chuckle from Cragen.

It was no surprise that with Casey’s help the team of lawyers was easily able to beat the detectives. While some of the crowd dissipated, most members of the team were sticking around, a small bbq area was next to the diamond, there was more than enough food and drinks to go around.

“Nice job sweetheart.” Alex greeted Casey with a grin and a soft kiss.

“Thanks baby.” The redhead grinned back, kissing her cheek again, she looped her arm around Alex’s waist and led her over to the socializing area. Cold beers were passed around to beat the uncharacteristic spring heat, and although it wasn’t Alex’s first choice, she accepted one anyway.

They grabbed a seat on one of the picnic tables, Casey, somewhat tired from the game half nuzzled into the blonde’s side, she laid a soft kiss on her hair that Casey hummed at before taking another sip of beer. Her hand came to lay on Alex’s thigh, her fingers tracing patterns against her bare skin, enjoying the sight of Alex’s legs in shorts, it wasn’t an often sight and it was more than pleasant.

The two of them spend a couple of hours socializing, splitting a couple more beers and a burger. Casey caught Alex giggling and cocked a brow at her, Alex playfully rolled her eyes, thumb reaching up to swipe a smear of ketchup from the corner of her mouth. Casey’s eyes gleamed, her lips curling into a smirk at the way Alex sucked the digit into her mouth to lick the sauce off.

“Oh don’t start that now.” The blonde warned and Casey chuckled, ducking to kiss her cheek.

“Don’t worry, I can wait til we get home.” She murmured, “question is can you?” Alex scoffed, smacking at Casey’s arm as the redhead laughed heartily.

After about another hour the wind started to pick up, there were definitely some greying clouds moving in slowly, making everyone start to say their rounds. The two said their goodbyes, Casey tossing her bag over her shoulder as she linked her hand into Alex’s to make their way back to the street.

The two didn’t live that far from the park, an easy enough walk, especially on a lazy Saturday afternoon. Casey nuzzled into Alex’s side briefly while they waited for a light to change, a small discussion of dinner on the mind. Casey knew her girlfriend wasn’t about to cook for her, she normally did that for the two of them, but the game and afternoon in the sun had wiped her out. They were debating between Thai and Mexican, halfway across the street when Alex felt the first drop, a quiet yelp escaping her lips as she jumped away from Casey to the shelter of an awning. The redhead laughed,

“Oh come on! It’s barely spitting.” She teased, “it’s only a couple blocks back home.”

“Or we could just stop and have dinner at one of the restaurants, wait it out?”

“Al, I’m sweaty and gross, I don’t wanna go somewhere even remotely fancy without a shower and clean clothes. C’mon.” She extended out her free hand, “don’t make me tease you about not wanting to get your hair wet.”

Alex huffed out in defiance, but took her hand anyways, as Casey had mentioned, it was barely raining. Naturally, their luck only lasted about half a block before the skies opened up, a literal downpour drenching the Manhattan streets. Alex shrieked loudly, trying to shelter herself ducking under Casey, pulling a laugh from the redhead.

“Come on!” She laughed, tugging Alex’s hand into a run, battling against the rain as the ducked around the few other unfortunate people who’d gotten caught on the streets.

“Case! Slow down!” Alex half laughed, nearly slipping her way through a puddle.

“I thought you didn’t want to get wet!” She teased back.

“It’s a little late for that!” Alex nearly panted, “you’re lucky I’m not in heels!”

“Al, if you’d even tried to wear heels to the game I would’ve disowned you.”

They slowed to a quick speed walk half jog, ducking under an awing here for there for Alex to continue small complaints while she caught her breath. Once their apartment building was in sight, Casey tugged at the blonde’s arm, urging her to power through, racing through the droplets, slipping to a halt in front of the door.

“Certainly not hot anymore.” Alex muttered, shivering as Casey pushed their apartment door open.

“Oh you’ll be fine princess.” Casey turned back, wrapping Alex in her arms, pressing a soft kiss to her lips, “but…you are pretty wet..” her lips hit Alex’s jaw gently, “think I should get you out of those clothes right away.” Alex sighed at the warmth of her mouth trailing down the side of her chilled neck, “I can warm you up, what’d’ya say?” She nipped every so lightly before pulling back to see Alex’s face.

“I think after that, you owe me Novak.”

“Oh I’ll make it up to you, you know I will.”

Casey nipped at her bottom lip, shooting the blonde a wink as she gave her ass a swift spank, nudging her in the direction of the bedroom. As it turned out, the exhaustion from the afternoon was vanished after a spurt of cool rain, reawakening everyone’s senses. And Casey was more than ready to show Alex just how thankful she was to come out and support her today, even if it wasn’t what she wanted to be doing at all.

_________ Taglist: @vagandfags @charabs @natasha-danvers @ineedafinghug @billiedeannovak @stardust-galaxies @laurenhope13 @randomthingssss @farahs-faeling @beccabarba @imlike-so-gaydude @thatesqcrush @altsvu @gay-ass-bitch @whimsicallymad @oliviaswifey @mysticfalls01 @cmmndrwidw @bumblebear30 @enduringalexblake @denpine @wosoimagines @snowsgay19 @nocreditinthestraightworld @Aprylrxse @screenee @lawandorderimagines

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