fortino-fromme-blog

[fortino-fromme-blog]

Sunday, February 3, 2019 2:42 am

Dear Tino,

I’m sorry it’s been a while since you last heard from me. These past few weeks have been critical I think. I feel so much better and happier too. More confident. More hopeful. I also got my period and honestly, I think the combination of PMS and getting dumped is what really made me freak out eventually. I feel fine alone. I don’t cry anymore. I’ve realized that love has always come to me when I’ve least expected it and never when I was looking. I know something that feels right will come along when the universe thinks I’m ready for it. I must admit, I did see Nyck and I went over to his place. We didn’t have sex because he was sick. It was so nice to be in someone’s arm again, but I realized that’s all it was. Being in someone’s arms. I don’t think it was being in his specifically. I still search for him wherever I go and there are moments when I can feel his warmth on my skin still. Those are the moments when I know that I really did love him and I know that the feeling will never fade from me. I wouldn’t want it to. He looked so sad when I saw him standing at the bus stop. I hope he realizes all the mistakes that he’s made. I’m not going to hope he suffers though. I just hope he’s sorry. I feel like a new person, like my slate has been washed clean... but maybe that’s what feeling like yourself is. I think the worst part is over, the rest is just trying to stay strong. I know you’re watching over me. I know you’re proud.

Love,

Alanna

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Side note

I’ve been having bad dreams for the past two nights. Two nights ago I dreamt that I wanted Nyck back so I asked him if we could go to one of his family’s gatherings together. He told me he was with someone else. The name of the chick was said multiple times in my dream but I just can’t remember what it was dammit. I’m pretty sure it had a d in it. I was devastated. I looked her up on Instagram and found out she was an ugly ass white girl which made me even more mad. Then I woke up stressed as hell. The next night I had a bad dream but I don’t remember what it was. Both nights I woke up on my right side. Idk if that has anything to do with it. About to go to sleep tonight, let’s see how it goes.

[fortino-fromme-blog]

Friday, January 25, 2019 8:51 pm

Dear Tino:

Day Three:

Went surprisingly well. I was with Sophie for the majority of the day. Then I went out to dinner with gigi, pops, and Sylvia which was honestly so nice. I came home, played some music and danced around, didn’t even watch a movie, went to bed. I went to bed hopeful. In conclusion: distracted.

Day Four:

A complete disaster. Total shit. Trash trash trash trash. Skipped Hawaiian and learned that our sub kumu is gonna be here for an additional two weeks. Can’t drop the class because I wouldn’t have enough credits hahaha. Was told by Kalei that we would go to the beach by 10:30. That changed to 12:30. Which changed to 12:45 they’ll go eat and THEN go beach. I was so frustrated that I waited for so long I just left by myself. I was even hoping that we would go just us so I could talk about how I felt or even if he brought some single friends?? But nope, another chick and a couple so I was outtie. Took the bus to Waiks and it was already overcast. Left after an hour. Walked home in the rain. Cried. Did nothing but pity myself all day. I feel stupid for texting Zach because he didn’t even reply. All I wanted to do was to apologize for just disappearing and to make sure that there were no hard feelings. I have a fear that he would show that text to Nyck and it would all be taken out of context. I also have a fear that I would run into Nyck with another girl but these are all just irrational assumptions. I’m breaking one of the four agreements I’m sorry. I just can’t seem to stop. Today was a totally five steps backwards from yesterday. I think I just get like this when no one wants to hang out with me lol. It just seems like everyone is into their own shit these days. I don’t blame them. I would be too if I had something to be into haha. I feel miserable. I finished the bag of pizza rolls in the freezer. I did watch a couple videos on youtube that made me feel slightly better, but not by a lot. Basically they all just say you have to just deal with it and love yourself. That’s kind of hard when you’ve been struggling with that your entire life. I need to make more friends. Ones that actually care about me and wanna hang out with me all the time. How do you even do that? I wonder if Nyck even feels the same way I do...Probably not because he actually has friends that talk to him unlike me. In conclusion: a lonely road.

Looked at pictures of you today. Your overbite always makes me laugh.

Love,

Alanna

[fortino-fromme-blog]

Feeling of the day 1/23/19

[fortino-fromme-blog]

Wednesday, January 23, 2019 10:55 pm

Dear Tino,

P.S. I’m sorry but I have to talk about my weekend because my last update was Saturday. I kept hoping throughout the weekend that he would change his mind. That he would realize that this was all a mistake and that all he knew is that he wanted to be with me and that is all that mattered. Unfortunately, that’s not what happened although I wished it so many times. I know it’s wrong and selfish of me, because I know this is what he needs, it’s also what I need. It’s just that the fear of losing him made me only want to clutch onto him harder. It’s a shame that when you know you’re going to lose someone is when you treat them the best. This weekend was amazing. Saturday was so fun. I didn’t spend much of my time with him Sunday, but the thought of coming home to him at night to cuddle and talk is what I looked forward to the most. That was also the day that I knew this was serious. There was no going back. Monday was tough. Moving all my things. It’s funny because even though I knew I was taking away all my stuff, I felt completely fine because I was doing it with him the whole day. No matter what I’m doing, it doesn’t matter as long as I was with him. We went to the beach afterwards. Again, laying there with him, all I could think about was how this was the last time I was ever gonna do that: to lay in the sun and enjoy his company. To jump in the ocean. Warm days felt warmer with him. We went out to Nico’s. It was fun getting all dressed up and going out to dinner. To share a meal with him. First time I’m crying today, nice. At night we laid with each other, really knowing that was it. It would be the last good night’s rest I would have in a long time. I just held him so close to me and memorized every way he felt. The warmth of his skin. His smell. His hair. His face. I absorbed it all and imprinted it onto my brain. I can feel it now just typing this. Waking up in the morning with the bright light shining through the white curtains, still in his arms, I knew that was what heaven on earth felt like. I don’t need to die to know this. I experienced it in those exact moments. There’s nothing that I would want to do more than to rewind time back to the days when we loved each other and we weren’t scared. No one was hurt yet. It was just blind trust. I wish I could go back. I wish I could stop feeling so hopeless. I wish he was still here. Life is so dull without him. I’m just living in black and white now.

[fortino-fromme-blog]

Wednesday, January 23, 2019 10:38 pm

Dear Tino,

Day One:

Really hard. Really really really hard. I said goodbye to him in the morning and there are very few things that have caused me that much pain. I couldn’t focus on anything in class. My workout was shit. I went home and I just sat on my bed and did nothing because I physically could not move. The black hole feeling was there again draining my whole body from the inside out. I sat up and told myself I couldn’t just let myself rot away. “Get up. Get up. Get up.” I kept telling myself, until I was practically screaming it in my head. I got up. I couldn’t put away two pieces of clothing without breaking down and crying. I cried so much it was actually pretty pathetic. I couldn’t feel anything. I really felt like my whole entire world was caving in. Also took a signature depression nap. Mentally slapped myself in the face in order to take a shower. Was feeling slightly better afterwards. Watched Bridget Jones’ Diary and Legally Blonde. Felt slightly inspired, slightly insecure. In conclusion: shit.

Day Two:

Sort of better than the first. I saw what he posted on instagram and I did have to hold back from crying in class. Kept myself distracted for most of the day. Went to aerobics and stayed for both classes which I’m proud of myself for. Ran into Jayke and Erica, it was nice to see some friendly faces. I still find it hard to be motivated. I still miss him. I constantly wonder what he’s doing and who he’s with. I’m not ready to delete the pictures from my camera roll yet. Called to start going to therapy again. I felt incredibly insecure today, mostly body issues. it’s still lonely at night time, will it ever stop? Watched Bridesmaids. Seems like movies will be my best option of distraction. In conclusion: empty.

You must be looking down on me right now and shaking your dog head. I’m trying my best here. I know some days will be better than others. I hope it gets better.

Love,

Alanna

[fortino-fromme-blog]

Saturday, January 19 2019 11:40 pm

Dear Tino,

Well, things did not go as expected today. I was honestly hoping that I would get to Nyck’s and get told some very bad news and pack my things up awkwardly as he sat and watched, but that’s not what happened at all. I got picked up at 10 in the morning and we just sat and talked and laid down and talked and he cried quite a bit which surprised me. I really thought that he was going to tell me that he didn’t love me anymore and that he was interested in someone else, but that might just be the pessimist in me. What he did actually tell me was that he loved me very much and he was so confused on if we should be together or not. I really didn’t know what to say. Honestly, it might have been easier for me if it went the first way. We had sex... and then took a nap. I had a strange dream that I know meant something. Nyck and I were in a house much like a log cabin and it was very dark inside. I open the door and outside a storm is happening, but it isn’t a normal storm. As I look around, all I see is a bright white light coming from all directions and a very strong wind blowing my hair. I don’t know what it is, but I know I have to walk into this storm. The thing is, I know that once I walk outside, I can never walk back into the house again. I turn around and close the door and call to Nyck. I want him to come with me, he has to come with me. But he’s scared. He said he was nervous because we wouldn’t know what would happen once we left. What would happen to us? What if the storm is bad and we can’t go back inside? Then I wake up. Obviously, I know this is a huge metaphor for our relationship and how although the unknown can be scary, it’s something that we have to walk into together, because we can’t stay in our safe little house forever. Funny how dreams do things like that. I wake up and we talk and eat and have more sex and pretend like everything is normal when it’s not. We finally get back to the conversation we were supposed to have at around 6 pm. As much as I don’t want it to happen, we agree it’s best to break up. It’s hard. It’s so so so so so so hard. Because we love each other. We went out to eat dinner at Outback with dessert at Bubbie’s. It was nice to sit on the pier and soak everything in with the moon shining so bright above us. I don’t know when the next time anything like that will happen again. Now I’m back at his place sleeping over and it’s such a bittersweet feeling. It kinda almost doesn’t feel real. But I know it will feel real when I am laying alone in my own bed again. I don’t want to leave him. Every time I’m next to him I feel such a high that I can’t even describe. I wish I could relive this day over and over again for the rest of my life. I really don’t want it to end. Three minutes left. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Please don’t leave me. This is all I have left.

Love,

Alanna

[fortino-fromme-blog]

Feeling of the day 1/18/19

[fortino-fromme-blog]

Friday, January 18, 2019 11:41 pm

Dear Tino,

Today wasn’t so bad. I went to the gym and worked hard, because thinking about Nyck makes me think that I’m not good enough which makes me think I’m ugly which makes me do extra workouts. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing, but I’m sure it’ll be fine for now because it’s at least some sort of motivation. I’m just worried that I’m going to become obsessed with the way I look and overcompensate at the gym and hurt myself. Friday is beach day so I went to Waikiki because it was already late in the day and I didn’t feel like walking to Cromwell’s. It was beautiful weather. I was feeling okay for the majority of it, but then I was watching as a father and son played in the water in front of me. It made me feel so happy, because they were happy and it made me think of the children that I might have someday and how I would love them so absolutely much just as that father loved his son. I cried a little bit there and a little bit walking home. I’m glad Chanelle texted me and I ended up going over to her house at night with Luci. It felt good to have friends around and not be all alone at home for once. I like talking to Chanelle about relationships because I feel like me and her have a lot in common and we can relate to each other’s feelings. I know that if I end up being alone, at least I have friends I can call upon when I need them. I’m really scared for tomorrow. Terrified honestly. I texted Nyck around 5:15 asking what time he would pick me up tomorrow. He didn’t respond until 9. What was he doing during that time? I’m scared it’s something that I wouldn’t want to hear. Whatever truth that comes out tomorrow, I know it’s going to hurt. Probably for a long time. But it’s been long enough already and it honestly can’t get any much worse. There can only be two roads for tomorrow: either he’s going to break my heart or I’m going to be forced to break my own. I don’t know which one I would prefer. When talking to Chanelle and Sophie, what they both told me was that being alone is okay. I need to take that time to get to know myself and really enjoy those quiet moments when I have them. I know those moments will get less and less the older I get. I love Nyck. I love him more than I love myself. But he doesn’t know that. He doesn’t know himself. He doesn’t know his own heart. It hurts that I couldn’t show it to him, but maybe that’s just something he has to learn on his own, if he ever manages to do that. I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m ambitious. I have so much going for me and this is only the beginning of my life, really.  I have a lot to offer. I will not be alone forever. These are the things I have to tell myself to get through the day. I wish you could tell them to me. I miss you buddy.

Love,

Alanna

[fortino-fromme-blog]

Friday, January 18, 2019 12:26 am

Dear Tino,

I am writing this to you and only you because you truly are my favorite. And I love you. And I miss you. I really feel like you’re the only one who could truly understand. I’m sure things have been very great for you lately, at least I hope so. As for me, it’s been quite the opposite actually. Nyck just broke up with me. You never got the chance to meet him and I’m not sure if you would have liked him if you did. But I loved him too, probably as much as I loved you and that’s really saying something. The days have been okay and I find that I can easily distract myself by being busy. But the nights are the worst. I can’t go to sleep and all I find myself doing is crying and feeling lonely and miserable. I know it’s for the best, because our relationship was terrible. Regardless, I always looked past the bad and only saw the good in it. I chose to be blind because it just felt so good. It’s difficult now. All I do is come home and eat alone and watch movies alone and lay in my big, empty bed all alone lone lone. It’s so incredibly boring. Who am I going to talk to about my day? Who am I going to tell my secrets to? Who will hold me when I feel like disappearing? I guess I have to hold myself now. From when I first got here, I moved from one relationship to the next, back to back to back. I never learned how to be alone. I feel so out of my element and uncomfortable. I don’t know how long this is gonna last or when I’m going to feel alright. I want to be hopeful, truly, but there is this feeling in my body that’s like a black hole. It draws me deeper and deeper in and sometimes I feel like I lost all of myself to it. I don’t understand how I can try so hard and put everything I have into someone and yet they still don’t love me. Am I not enough? It makes me feel worthless and ugly. I wish you were here to lay by my side. I would pet you until you fell asleep. I know this is something that I experience and once I get on the other side, I will look back knowing that it made me a stronger person. Some days will be great and others will be terrible. I am just looking forward to the night when I can lay in my bed and not feel like a huge wave is crashing over me and I’m drowning. Auntie has just joined you today. Have you seen her yet? Her and Apo will have a grand time chatting up. Every time I go back home I still feel you there. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams every once in a while. It really is nice to see you. Oh, there I go again crying. You would think I wouldn’t have any tears left at this point. I love you so much. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see you go, I hope you’ll forgive me. Sleep tight.

Love,

Alanna