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things are starting to come together. or perhaps in this case unravel. Im out of here in less than two weeks, got my job sorted out, have a place to stay, and generally prepped for the summer. I've been pretty homebound since the start of the month. I don’t really want to hit people up about doing things. just about ready to head back. I get the added benefit of saving money. not grocery shopping either, now that I'm practically out of food. I got some polenta thought, could make some of that to last me a few days. but I should probably get back on my fasting wave. on day three last Saturday, the stomach cramps made me vomit when I tried to eat. since then I've generally gone back to my regular eating habits, although mostly on a 18:6 sort of deal or just eating twice. I wonder if I can last not getting groceries until my bottles of water run out. could be a pleasant challenge. lose some weight I gained here and not spend what I have? win-win. 

I've realized that I'm such an avoidant person. unless there’s a figurative gun to my head I really don’t wanna do things- esp that have to do with reaching out. I gotta get way better at that. I also need to start making better goals. just gotta start. just start.  

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solo time!

I've now had the place to myself for 17 hours out of around 21 days. I've committed to a fast that will last most, if not all of the rest of my time here. as much as I'd like to have some more fatteh before I leave, its not that hard to make. I was nervous my first night, as I haven’t slept alone in months, or had a place to myself in god knows how long- if ever. this should be an interesting time. for now I’m focusing on myself. trying to make habits and stick with them. 

so far I have:

-fast (21 days) -stretch daily -read as much as possible -keep the place tidy -write on this blog more often -study -spend less time fucking off on the net

I AM GONNA DO THIS! 

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I've been trying to learn the art of patience. yesterday night, I watched a movie about Yukio Mishima, a man obsessed with obsession. though he was a problem-fueled person, there is something to be admired in obsession. when I read about great people of the past and present, they are fueled by an otherworldly drive to accomplish things. those dreams are not easily achieved, yet they're nonstop mission to get better leads them to that place. Mishima, who was driven to be the best Japanese writer, achieved this early due to his obsession with writing. after he accomplished that, his obsession with body took over, then finally his obsession with spirit fueled by intense Japanese nationalism. this final act was unachievable, and he died following it. a deeply flawed man in many ways, I still find that quality admirable- that he had high goals for himself and dedicated himself nonstop to them. I'm trying to learn how to do this myself. sometimes I think I have no goals and dreams, but when I stop to pause and think, they come to surface from my subconscious. right now, I want to be patient. to learn that, I've been trying to take a tiny bit of my time everyday that's wasted online doing something that is slow. today, I stretched and read, and am currently writing down my thoughts. I didn't spend much time online today, and when I get back I plan to read through my calculus book. not all day, but just a little bit. piece by piece I'll finish!

I heard something in my art history class mentioned by my professor that I’ve been thinking about: “to live in the modern world is to accept contradictions” or something along those lines. I think this has been deeply settling. perfect words to describe how I feel about life in the present.  

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the difference one year makes!

in all honestly, I couldn’t stomach to read the entirety of my last post. my morbid curiosity stops short of my own dealings, besides glancing at a few sentences and checking the post date. i think I remember posting that, at a cafe on Nicolet and 38th called butter- sitting outside and drinking tea on a nice day. the confusion in my life was endless; the gleam from my New Years fondness and determination had withered away. but enough about that.

I hear a plane passing by over my apartment in Hamra. its about noon, and the little sunlight I get from the living room window tells me that the day has started. I've been here for over two months, and its about now that I feel that I'm ready to return home. when I talk to friends about it, they tell me the same: home. I think this was brought on because we knew that this living situation was temporary. that I wouldn’t walk the narrow alleyways to the packed bars and cafes. that the cacophonous honking and kindness of the people was to be enjoyed for a short amount. I was luckier than most coming here- that I had great support from my friends that joined me. although it wasn’t always exciting, it’s times like these that I can appreciate them more. 

its a nice change to be away from home. although it was difficult live with my family at some points, i don’t know how it’ll be when I get back. I don’t know if I can afford an apt now, but driving to and from St. Paul sounds like a nightmare.

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april thaws, and similar to the weather i’m warming up too. along with the environment and my physical surroundings i can be outside and open. i wonder if other people have started to take notice. i’ve been learning how to talk to people- something i think i’ve had problems with in the past. there are still moments that aren’t perfect but for the most part it has been good. it had to have come from my end. i’ve come across the same people but i can connect with them better. it’s something. a realization came to me earlier that i have faults but not all the blame should be placed on me- there are two sides to each situation but because i live in my own reality i never thought that things came from another. but enough about the past. currently i think my issue is that i can wild out a lil too much when i drink. not in a weird way- i don’t think i’ve ever been weird drinker. my shit is that i physically mame myself cause i’m not thinking too much. got a nasty gash on my chin from eating shit. dropping people thinking i can carry them. now this isn’t the worst, but i’ve got to work on that asap. beyond that i’ve been talking to mg a lot. i like her a lot too, but sometimes she confuses me. i have no clue what she wants and i’m sure as hell that i will not get that answer in a clear way. i’ve been told i need that i need to be the forward one, but goddamn do i hate being forward. i’m taking very gentle moves but i’d move quicker. i wonder if i’m just a person filling a temporary gap rather than a whole person in her life. i think i (unfortunately) am placing myself in a way where i’m ready to move on if it doesn’t work out in a self-protective manner. i’d like her to be honest with me. but you’ need to be honest with yourself before being honest to others.  i’m going to take it one day and one conversation at a time. though if i’m gonna be honest girl just キス me!!! just do it! i’m expecting the first one to be awkward as fuck but i fw my awkward ass homie. if it does work out i think it’ll be fun getting to know her. i’ll see how things work out, but from here on out i’ll put more effort in it. home is... home. things are exactly the same as they’ve always been and in all honesty i have given up getting anywhere with them. it’s time for me to move on. but the car question is the $5000 question. not having a car would make my life much more difficult considering that i couldn’t go to work. if i can’t go to work then i won’t have money and i wouldn’t be able to go to school. i think i can make something happen. things don’t necessarily work out well, but they work out in some way.

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communication and conversation

in some twist of fate, i feel as if that i can form ideas properly with people. somehow, a wind of confidence has made talking with others an easier and actual enjoyable experience. hours on end about anything, it feels accomplishing. people are responsive and interested. i believe it’s me, but i don’t feel too different now than i did 6 months ago. actually not at all. i almost feel like a different person. in some ways. my underlying personality is and has been the same- though these days i feel like i can reach out. even if it means nothing. i think most people like to form deeper connections. // yesterday i went to get coffee with g. it was the first time i was meeting him without any others. i wasn’t really worried, but i don’t really trust myself to do those things properly. however, i was surprised that it was pleasant. there weren’t any awkward gaps in time, and we just flowed. i dropped him off sometime later, and went to a cafe to wait to hang out with mg. i was nervous for this as well, cause i had no idea where to go with things. goddamn was i wrong. i haven’t had that nice of a time with anyone in such a long time. it’s just so easy to talk to her. before i meet her, i’m worried that i will do something wrong, or be weird. but i think i really get along with her. so much. to a settling unsettling degree. that we get along so much i feel like there is something i can fuck up. but i am tip toeing. towards...something

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his last week has been full of listlessness. since break, i’ve been staying at my sister’s apartment. it’s a good launchpad and i’ve been trying my best to take advantage of what freedom and willingness i have. it is unusual to say the least. from my worst points, it’s almost hard to reflect how my time was spent in those days- sleep, and internet. now, even in that period, i had money which granted me some bliss, but i realize that it really doesn’t mean much. now, however, is productive to a point. i can hang out with my friends and family and not constantly feel like shit. i wonder if i left my home permanently if i’d continue like how i have. days in cafes, nights in the streets. really it isn’t bad. i don’t feel bad. i just feel stateless. like this will all end soon (because it will). being away from home has made me not want to be so isolated from the world and unfortunately i will go right back into it. why are my parents the way they are? i think about how their draconian fears of society has effected me. probably has just made me afraid of intimacy with a big gaping hole of it missing in my personality dna. thought really aren’t we all? how can i take the correct actions here? on saturday, i hung out with mg, and it was honestly one of the best nights i’ve had in awhile but i somehow feel more confused than ever. i think she wants something too, but can i make the right decisions? maybe i can ask for help, but i don’t think other people really know either. i don’t want to come across as pushy, but things do move fast, and i’m afraid that if i don’t move quick enough then it’ll all go to waste. the thing is- if i didn’t enjoy that night, i’d know that my infatuation was misplaced. distance can manipulate our perceptions of people, but if anything my feelings solidified in a more real, human manner. i... i should be honest with myself. what is so hard about opening up that i find it easier to break away. i think that’s it- i can and should be honest with myself. just put my best foot forward and take the appropriate steps from there. i can try again this weekend, but since i feel that ticking clock on my freedom i think it is now or never. i’ll see.

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i have an immeasurable value. not because someone has told me, but because i can find it within myself to love myself. i am not anyone else but me. when others achieve i do not become any less of a man. rather, i can be in a place to acknowledge others without harm to myself. because i have worth that i know is there no one can that take from me

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beeeeen extra loopy lately. it’s currently the end of week two and i believe i have my bearings set. i’ve got a feeling i can keep my shit together this term. just gotta stay on top of things. which i (kinda) have. got fuckin time between class, which is when i try to get some work done. leaves me with no excuse not to have completed readings and shit. not that it matters- all these classes are low level so there isn’t too much work involved. for once, schoolwork is a strangely comforting presence in my life. it feels great to actually be accomplish shit after such a long period of inaction. the figurative ball is currently rolling, and i’m hoping nothing will get it to stop. the commute isn’t as bad as i thought it’d be, nor is getting up in the morning. what has been bothering me is anxiousness around people i know. i can build myself up, i just need to be me in every way. maybe not like those weird internet people that constantly mentally jack themselves off but find my shit and walk with my chest out. yeah i think i can do that. not easy, but what is. i need to find the confidence to do another fast again. fast fast fast. losing weight will probably help me walk with my chest out. last time was four days. maybe i can hit seven this time. this writing exercise has made me feel less loopy. i wonder what would be a better confidence building thought: “fuck yeah i’m a weirdo” or “i’m not as weird as i think i am (or at least when i  give initial impressions)”. do i really care? no not really, but maybe around people i know. i think there is something i can do and that is not talk when i don’t need to.

「don’t force anything」. that seems like a lesson- this afternoon’s takeaway.

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another year has passed- i hope to reach maturity soon. this time, i start to wonder what the new year really means. when i see my reflection, i think i look the same as i did. my thoughts are as tangled as they were a day prior, and the people in my life are as distant as they’ve ever been. i don’t believe in the new year anymore. 

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i’ve never been one for goodbyes, but in this case i feel it’s necessary. there isn’t any blame... life had just run its course. i don’t feel any regret.  i’d like to thank the people who made my life worthwhile. i want you all to that i’ve truly cared about you all and that if there is an afterlife for you to pray towards that i will receive your messages and send good back your ways. 

i love you all deeply, m

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december is constantly a strange time, but this iteration is one on a level of it’s own. the anxieties of real life are crumbling down in front of everyone i know. real life huh? those bright-eyed kids i once knew now have dust covered irises. it is such an unusual feeling. pretty much everyone i know is at a crossroads. and very few of us want to repeat the lifestyles of our parents. it’s now time to carve out our own paths, together or alone. the social net is getting smaller, but it’s also getting tighter. i don’t care much about knowing a ton of people. i’d rather be good friends with the people i care about- just finding who i truly care about is seeming difficult enough. i still deeply want to be alone for a while. enough to hit the something in my core. it’s waiting... i hope.

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what do you do when your back is against the wall? fight back, some say. others can negotiate with their hostages. but when the whole building is burning down is there any point in fighting? “leave the building” is an obvious response, but it may not be so easy for some. should you jump out the window and risk your life with such a drastic action? “well you could find the door and walk down the stairs!” proclaim some. and when you find that your path is laden with blinding silver smoke and ash, still held hostage to your situations, jumping out from the patio seems attractive. what worse way is there to go than to be lead by false hope while reality crumbles around you. i’ll have to make that soon enough, and i pray it is the right one.

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haven't been online on this site much over the last month. some weird overcoming came over me. didn’t do shit. went from alternating between the same four sites to the same two. zero brain activity, zero growth- i came out the same. what actions do i need to take to make movement. am i pushing myself enough? i’m reminded of inertia at night. but like my very own body, is my state heavier than i assumed? do i take further drastic action? how drastic of an action or actions must i commit to? i can see, i can hear. but in a dark silent corridor everything is the same. i tell myself that if i get out of my home, then things will be different. in truth something tells me that things could be exactly the same. home life isn’t pleasant to me, and i’m envious of those who have it. support, warmth, and understanding is not what my home is. environment is all to conductive to action. when i sit the gray, i arrive somewhere that’s safe but not sound. when i get too comfortable in the gray, there’s a correction of the oversteer.  i thought about my actions yesterday. about how the people i surround myself with is indicative to the person you are. is it truth? how similar are you to the people around you? i don’t know, but i feel like it’d make sense. why do they act the way they do? i thought about their anger and frustrations. i share the same, but to me there’s no point in getting lost in anger. it leads to nothing conductive. they project anger in weird ways, sometimes manipulative, something twisted. i thought about how i project my emotions sometimes. i reject what makes me weak. it’s real, but no one should know. my lack of success in anything. nothing academic, nothing romantic, nothing platonic, nothing career wise. it brings me back to inertia. i know i’m not putting in enough effort, but it’s easy to shift the blame onto someone or something else. i don’t think my environment helps, but how far will i come along before i realize this was all my fault? i’m stuck on my parents’ treadmill while everyone else is on their path. 

i need to leave this place. these people. to be by myself for a long while.

i think about reading self-help guides, but what good will that do me? a self-help guide won’t get me out of my house, nor will it cure my inability to form true connections with others. so i reject humanity. what’s the fucking point anyways? there’s always an action i can take.

also is it weird that the slightest of actions make shit happen. somehow i can’t make shit in my own life happen but actions that others take in my life make huge effect by blowing my way. with space the mind fills the gaps. lately all i do is check the same app to see what she's up to. does she even remember my name? i don’t think so. but nonetheless i hope fate finds away. funnily enough, i came across her in a fuckin parking lot. what are the chances? it’s pretty funny isn’t it? anyways i think i’m kinda an actionless, spineless idiot most of the time. i wanna take action but without the risk. got too much on the line, but really nothing. 

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every once in awhile i’ll catch a glimpse of light that leaks through broken blinds natural shapes take form and it reminds me i’m not alone

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In neon See thats violet Behind the green Concrete g steps Behind the gleeen

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blue bug taste like water clear reflections that i stare at all day every day leathers cracked woods chipped walls snapped shits fucked in every ways my brain’s pudding like the rest of my body just a machne  i don’t see tomorrow i don’t see the day after dates are just fucking numbers