freak0009

[freak0009]

i want to cry. i want to sob. i want my body to let me fully have a breakdown instead of forcing myself to lock in and mask. IM IN MY OWN ROOM!!! IM BY MYSELF!!!!! LET ME CRY!!!!!!!

[freak0009]

IT'S JUST NOT FUCKING FAIR

im so tired of hearing "welcome to the real world" when im sad as fuck. ive been on antidepressants since i was 10, this isn't some adult bull shit. why do i have to go through this shit when the most evil villainous fuckers get to thrive? my father was the kindest soul i ever knew but yet here i now sit with both my fucking parents dead and all my friends who had abusive shit bag parents get to sit there and talk to them on holidays and birthdays and whatever the fuck else. i can't take this stupid ass shit anymore man. I don't want to be here. i want to explode into a tiny trillion pieces until i blow up the whole fucking planet.

[freak0009]

i want to do it again. but i promised you i wouldn't.

i want to do it again. but i can't talk to you about it, because you're upset about your own thing and i don't want you to think i'm trying to make it about me.

i want to do it again. but i don't even know how to comfort you.

i want to do it again. but i know it just makes things worse.

i want to help you. but i don't know how.

i want to help you. but i feel like a failure because I can't.

i want to do it again. but i won't break my promise to you.

i want to do it again. but i can't tell you about it.

i want to do it again. but i can't talk to anyone else about it, because i can't burden them with that.

i want to do it again. we've all seen it before. i know what people think when they hear that. i know what i think when i hear that.

[freak0009]

[freak0009]

just did something not great and I don't know how to talk to about it because i don't want it to seem like i'm attention seeking but i definitely shouldn't have done the thing

[freak0009]

yet another day and i feel like i failed you

[freak0009]

[freak0009]

i'm going to spend the rest of my life seeing families with their young children and get hurt knowing that will never be me

[freak0009]

i want to kill myself

[freak0009]

it always hits me in the quiet moments,

that you're not there

and you never will be there again

[freak0009]

despite being proven time and time again that your prayers aren't being answered, you've grown to only care about your spiritual needs rather than the person you were praying for in the first place.

[freak0009]

my entire life has just been a skew of reasons to never trust doctors

[freak0009]

what cruel joke it is that i gifted you a planner for the new year and you die before you get to use it

[freak0009]

I think the key to stop making vent posts that get deleted within three minutes (something I’m addicted to) is to write stories instead that are just word-for-word recaps of shitty conversations where you can detail all your reactions and emotions and then turn one of the conversationalists into an elf and market it as a fantasy

[freak0009]

Working til 3 am on nye when I should be eating steak and mushrooms in my house

[freak0009]

i really appreciate how i have to come out to the homophobic side of my family and tell them i have a girlfriend because my family is in crisis.

[freak0009]