freaks-getaway

[freaks-getaway]

Hi, to find a lover is not hard but to find someone that can work with your mental state is priceless. And i found one

[freaks-getaway]

Determination and final. I'm so sorry for giving up. Look up to the sky, keep me in the heart. Thank you for everything.

[freaks-getaway]

A black spot

She wants no, crave for everyone's lights to help her walking through the tunnel. But, each lights slowly dims because she is a black spot. She is the darkness that you cannot run away from, even herself sometimes forget she is the cause of the blackout. The black spot is a part of her, how can she expect to get away from it?

[freaks-getaway]

What are you scared of?

Myself.

Why?

Im scared that i will finally give up on everything.

But, you are here now. You are survive after all the hardships you went through.

That doesn't mean im alive, right?

You are strong.

Im not strong. Trust me, im not. Im here not because of myself. I live for others.

They give you the strength?

I want to believe that. But when i think deeply, no they dont give me the strength.

What do you mean?

When im gone, they will live in a miserable way. Idk how to explain, there are lots of reasons that stop me from doing so. Even in this situation, im still thinking about others.

Don't give up. You can do this.

Tell me something new. Thanks

[freaks-getaway]

I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for being a burden to my parents. I hate myself for always making the people close to me worry. I hate myself for being a failure. I hate myself for being a troublesome to others. I hate myself for always give up. I really hate myself.

Im sorry for being so weak. Im sorry for being a burden to my parents. Im sorry for always making the people close to me worry. Im sorry for being failure. Im sorry for being a troublesome to others. Im sorry for always give up. Im really sorry to myself and everyone.

[freaks-getaway]

It's very sad when everyone thinks you're starting to diet, living healthy lifestyle and do work out. Some even ask me to share tips how to lose weight in short time, lmaoo. Believe me girl, im also asking myself.

Ive never shared this to anyone, dont have the guts to do so. But, this thing keep on bugging in my mind. I want to accept this as blessings in disguises yet people's reaction just make me annoyed. If only they know behind of my "losing weight journey".

Im that fat girl, in my life ive always been called fat bcos its my middle name lol. Each time i meet people, first word comes out their filthy mouth would be "wow so big ah you." "eee so chubby, look at your body." and when im with my mother "uish your daughter bigger than you oh". I just smile, giggle and make joke to myself. You know, to get rid of the sadness in my heart. Im very comfortable with my body actually, i dont have problem with that. Bcos im aware my body naturally big, hence i do know if i gained weight it'll be more obvious. Also, i have a low metabolism.

Unfortunately, we are living in the world where "skinny girl pretty, fat girl ugly." Im slightly fine if strangers told me all those things, but if someone very dear to me say that bro it hurts. I take that as motivation to start eating healthy and exercises more. And of course, it never easy and take time. I cant do intense work out or push myself too hard or else i just hyperventilating and hurt myself more. Hence, the progress is slow. Sad, the motivation went to drain bcos of people's word. "Ah she so lazy to do exercise, always lay on the bed and eating." 🙂🙂 Broo, if only you know how struggle am i, and i do lose some tho. Still not enough i guess.

The past 2 years are not good for me. My mental health is deteriorating. Last year was a hell, with the lockdown. It really took a toll on me. On April, my body started to refuse every food that i ate. Every meals time, i would want to throw up, nauseous or stomach hurt. At some point, i couldn't even eat the whole day and the smell of the food just make me wanna puke. Am i pregnant? Panic sis loollll. In just 3 days, ive lost so much weight like i can feel my body so light. This happened for a month, also now i could see clearly my long-lost collarbone 🤧, chest area and rib cage. Initially, i was so scared. But someone is proud of me for losing so much weight. Then it makes me confused?? Yet enjoying it bcos finally i received the compliment. So i continue with this behavior and started to work out. God knows how many time i was having a hyperventilating in my room. During this moment i know that it was very wrong. I was hurting, and slowly the joy gone.

I only eat once a day, no carbohydrates only veggies, fruits and a really small potion of protein. I cant eat any heavy meals as my body refused it. As months passed, no more lockdown, i started to meet people and everyone was very shocked to see my condition like finally im not fat lol. Im not happy to hear all the compliments bcos i remember the pain, the struggle. However, now it become part of me, a habit of mine that i couldn't turn back. It really hard for me to change the habit, so it stuck with me until now.

Thank god, now i can finally eat my rice but only once or twice a month if im craving for it, but still have to bear with the pain afterwards. Yes, either i throw up or feel sick the entire day. And oh i dont force myself to throw up, it just comes naturally and i guess it happens due to my mind lmao 🤧 so there's a time when i look fat and not in some pictures. Also, they want me to eat more loolll i just fire back "hey i already eat lots before this and you dont like to see im fat right, so why you keep feeding me food?" Bro you should see their face 🤣 Sakit hati oh? Sama kita merasa tapi still ok lah daripada sakit hati ngn badan sekali 😜

Yeah guys, that's the journey. Oh, there are some details that i didn't mention due to personal reasons, this is only the tip of the iceberg haa gitew ye 🤡✌🏻

[freaks-getaway]

A letter to little her

Dear D,

You are a 4 years old girl and having a blast time. The world is for you to discover, curiosity that you possessed lead you to the greatest experiences. Each day you wake up with a joyful smile and hope. I wish i can tell you to never let the smallest things affect your day and appreciate them. Enjoy every bits of your life. Because, it won't last forever. I feel terribly guilty for not able to continue your adventures and drag you further down from the sky. On the 8th year, i snatched your happiness away, your wonderful futures. I break your wings to fly and wonder around.

You're hurting, you're crying for help asking to let go, you're fighting, you're begging. And, im ignoring your scream, i shut your mouth with painful truths. I keep telling you to give up, your beautiful journey has come to an end. You are just a 8 years old, too young to be lived in the harsh reality, the unbearable pain. You're in denial, refused to accept that your wings are broken, so you decide to run, run away from me. Oh dear, you should see yourself, the struggle to get out from my strong grip. Ive no choice but to put iron shackles on your legs to the ground.

Since that day, you're living in pain and suffering. But, you still have hope where you will be free and, with that little hope, make you desperately want to survive. Unfortunately, you just fall deeper and deeper. The more you fight, the more you hurt. Aren't you feel bad for yourself at that time? Why are you not thinking wisely? Why are you making a fool decision? You, yes you, you destroy your own hope and life. Your legs hurt very badly, you collapsed off your feet due to your foolishness that they become numb, not able to walk. So what now? You couldnt look up to the sky anymore. The sky is gloomy in your eyes, the lingering sadness that you feel. Thus, you're looking to the ground more. Weak, you're weak and fool.

Years have passed, you still here although, not in a great condition but you're here. How do you do that? After all the tortures. You're such a stubborn kid, do not want to give up. Maybe, that little hope in you never left. You know that you will never leave this place yet still you hold that hope dearly. Then i realized, it's not to help you break the iron shackles, be free but to help you stay alive instead. And you do, barely alive.

You are a strong girl, you find a way out to survive. Remember the iron shackles on your legs? It doesn't hurt as bad as it used to and your legs getting better. You can slowly walk now.

You're going through a lot, it really tough for you. You always get scared to be happy because you'll end up sad. And the pain is beyond words. Eventually, you get used to this life as you live through it. Even it hurts to deaths.

The journey is never easy, you'll stumble along the way but i know you'll get up and continue walking. If you ever feel tired, stop for a while and take a rest. Look up to the sky as you always love to do it.Yes, you have been looking at thе sky instead of the earth. And you're looking with the feeling of peace that you longing for such a long time.

Live well, D.

[freaks-getaway]

an escapism that i know will end soon..

[freaks-getaway]

to hear it from your doctor that you're diagnosed with mdd is really something else, the world is destroyed.

[freaks-getaway]

losing my mind

[freaks-getaway]

You are free. Now, fly away like a dove.

[freaks-getaway]

Peace of mind

[freaks-getaway]

2019, july 20th

I have been blessed. I really appreciate the wishes. Thank you so much for making my day better.

[freaks-getaway]

I made mistakes and now they hate me. After all this time i did for them, i never leave them behind. That's just how life works right? People won't gives back the same energy to us.

[freaks-getaway]

I remain silent because i don't want to hurt others.

[freaks-getaway]

I know that we can't make people like us, but wow reality hits me real bad

[freaks-getaway]

I'm tired of living like this. When will everything stop?