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Hi Me (1/16/21)

Hi Me. 

How are you today? Right now it’s January of the new year. Biden has just gotten elected over Trump. Things are going pretty shit right now. We’re amidst a pandemic, civil rights movement, and I am just done with everything. I am done with school, I am done with life. Idk anymore.I am depressed right now. I don’t really feel that many things right now. You’re sitting in Tina’s room writing this at midnight, ready to go back to SB. But is that what you really want. Is it? You’ve realized how invisible and unseen you have been your entire life. You’ve never been a concrete part of any group. A group that you can call your best friends. It has always been this way. You’re a leech. A parasite that latches onto one host and onto another, never without a home. So instead of wanting to be accepted, you want to be seen and heard. That’s why you’ve probably always seeked leadership positions. That is why you’re now an off campus senator, a secretary of a fraternity. All for what though. The work that you do, does it make you happy? Are you truly happy? I dont know how I would even respond to that question anymore. I dont feel like myself. I dont really understand anything anymore. You’ve stayed at home this past two months away from the fraternity. How are you feeling now? You thought you just needed a break from this frarentiy, but its notoriety that you seek, validation. And are you validated? Is it worth it?

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ASB- the one thing that always grinds my gears is that people dont ever truly understand the things I have to do and my requirements. People will always see me as the person that "orders" everyone around when I literally do so much more than that. President is arguably so much more than all the jobs in ASB, because you are practically overseeing and working with 5 commissions all at once, with events overlapping everyone elses.  I always feel like no one in my cabinet apprecaites me enough. And I know, it is never my intentions to do antyhing jsut for recongnition but I just always get the feeling that no one cares I always remind myself that I do my job not for the recognition, but becasue I truly care for the school and becase I want the school to become a better place. that is what gets me through everything. I hate it when people think I dont do that much when literally Im always the last one to leave the ASB room, last one to sleep every night, first one to wake up in the morning, Im doing so much but no one recognizes it.  Everything I do, I can never win 100 percent of everyone. Theres always one that will bitch and complain and Ive accepted it already, but it makes me frustrated when people throw bitch fits when they dont get what they want and accuse E-Board of dismissing their opinions. We do take everything into consideration, but sometimes we have to pick soemthing else.  There is the constant comparison between last year and this eyar, comparing members, comparing commissions, "last year we didnt..”  I am not Ashley. This is not last years cabinet. and It will never be but returners do not accept it. always. and it is something inevitable and soemthing i just have to deal with".  ASB does not negatively affect your grades. You do. If you dont put that extra effort in staying later to maintain your grades after ASB events, then thats on you.Its all choices. And if you choose to complain about your grades when you have all the opportunities to spend your free time to get your grades up, I dont know what to tell you.That is what pissed me off a  lot. If i were to compare it, it would be like joining a club, getting bad grades, blaming the club because of your bad grades. It was her decision not to work harder to get good grades and maintain everyhting. People always accuse me of being close-minded at times, and I do agree sometimes, but most times, its jsut that im forcing them to do something they dont want to do. it is for the best, but they dont see it.  There are also times where my vision does not align with Zack or Darien and it especially annoys m because they dont have the knowedge that I have. They dont truly understand and know waht it feels like to be in an amazing cabinet.And  I want to bring that back.  I want this cabinet to go above and beyond.  I belueve in ASB so much. i love ASB with all my heart. I truly do.  But I dont see the passion that I have within everyone.  I really dont care for my recognition. All I care is that I repair our image of ASB and actually be liked by the school.  I really want people to like me.  I dont want people in ASB to start hating me.  The worst part of everything is that I can never truly express myself. I ALWAYS have to put up a face of comfort and friendliness.  I get mad at someone or blow up on soemone one time.  all of my work is devalued.  Im not "leaderlike", im not being "presidential" I want to express myself but i cant because I am the president. It sucks It truly sucks when you have no one to talk to.

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idk

I think im depressed

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bottle

Voices screaming within my head.

Desperate to escape into freedom.

The freedom of judgment

But I cannot

Because I am president, and presidents

must act presidential

no emotion, I cannot. Because

I am president

I must bottle my emotions

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Hello

Hello it’s me again, 

Don’t you just hate it that no matter how hard you try, it will never be enough. People expect so much, yet do so little in return. I’m tired. No matter how hard I try to become the best president out there, it will all be in vain if no one in my cabinet tries. Returners, all they do is wish that this was last year’s cabinet. Well that’s gone. I don’t know what to tell you anymore. Their mindset is always going to be in last year’s cabinet. And there is nothing that I can do about it. Absolutely nothing.

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Mourning

Today we mourn a life lost

My heart screeches in anger and disbelief

An end not deserved

Tears cannot withhold the emotions contained within me

Pain will radiate throughout my body

It was a life filled with love and kindness

Taken away by the hands of Nature

Her heart ceases to beat;my mind ceases to understand

A life took too soon.

I love you Mrs.Ishii

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It is Me

It is me the darkness again Come to say hello I welcome thee to my home My home sweet home The delightful aroma of sadness The warm fuzzy feeling of anger All is familiar

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It is too late

Reminisce the light dancing on the shards of darkness.

Reminisce the feelings of joy and fear colliding within your iota of a brain

Funny how the brain can surrender to the reigns of the past

So menacing yet so exhilarating

Remember

Smile

Appreciate

Love before it’s too late