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Nov. 11, 2017 on Reflectly.

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24.12.17 - I’m so lonely I’m happy.

I don’t know.

I’ve been living on this planet for almost a quarter of a century yet still, I haven’t been in a relationship where I felt satisfied - that feeling where you love someone and you are certain you are loved back too. Well, I guess oI had it once but only for a brief period of 3 months when I later discovered that I was a third party, then I had decided to stop the madness.

Now, it’s almost five freakin’ years and still, I found myself single. And it’s funny that for the first time since then, I felt the same feeling but in all level, it’ll be impossible for us. You are too friendly that everyone likes you. And I know I am very selfish but yes, I want you to see me the way I see you. And here I am, finding myself smiling out of lonliness and it’s crazy how I can still manage. But little by little, I become so broken I do silly things.

Again, I don’t know. I don’t know how am I suppose to deal with this kind of bull. I thought of giving more to myself instead but still, I find no encouragement. I am just longing for someone to love me or at least, like me. It’s really crazy how I came to think these stuffs. And I ask myself, “Am I this desperate?” “Am I this lonely?” But still, I say “I don’t know” with the hope I could somehow find the right person for me.

I apologize to whoever comes to read this sudden release of emotion building up inside me. I know I’m no longer some highschool stud who has no knowledge of what’s going on.

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109.13.17 Adopted Garfield (new name: Boxer) today. The lonely days are gone is real.

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09.07.17- Suddenly

Elated, jubilant and the likes. I somehow felt them all at once. Yet again, I never learned. Somehow things work their way to push me down to the pits and it's saddens me that I still keep on gambling on these things - contesting the unpredictable.

The world doesn't run like the way it did before. Nowadays, affection is merely inexistent. The definition of loyalty is being rejected by the many. And as we get more advance, it's like we are all turning into those emotionless robots. I know. Childish. "You knew damn well what were you doing. You knew damn well who you were breaking."

"I'm never shocked when people put me down nowadays. I just hate the fact that I put myself in a position to be let down in the first place."

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Crazy You know what's crazy? It was late in the afternoon, almost 6pm, December of 2014, I was lying in bed enjoying the typical MSU afternoon rain and the Marawi's rotating brownout... and you texted me. You said you finally added another pair of shoes from your fave shoe brand which was new to my ears. I had no internet connection at home and I had no idea what to reply. I stared at the window as everything is about to go dusk with the heavy-gray rain clouds not dispersing anytime soon. I curved a slight smile and stared for almost half a minute. And there goes my feet standing up as my hands reached for my jacket and I found myself at the garage looking for an umbrella. I was not thinking. With no umbrella found, I just opened the gate and headed outside. The rain became stronger as the streets became darker. I put my hood on, raised my head to look for a pedicab in the midst of the noisy picture of the rain. I found none, so I decided to walk from Housing to MSU ComCent. I was walking down the street as people in the shades, who were probably waiting for a pedicab, were staring at me like I'm an insane boy who smiles for no reasons at all. After a couple of minutes, I was finally at ComCent. There, I saw a computer shop which was powered by a generator. I felt excited as I entered the shop. I rented one computer for just thirty minutes. I opened the browser, typed 'google.com' and searched the brand of shoes you were talking about. As soon as I saw the photos, I logged my time out and headed home feeling accomplished and of course, happy. 'We can finally talk about the shoe'. I wonder what are you doing right now. It's been almost a year since we last talked to each other...

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First. Three. Words.

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Stress-relieving. 👪

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escaping reality.

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12th Regional Farm Youth: 4-H Club Summer Camp 2015 at Cotsbato City.

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Had a tea earlier this afts with the ladies. And this is a shot with the girl who finally braced feminity. #herOOTD hi @rhnsfahmi ✋✋

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27.04.15- Potato Queen In my 19 years of existence, I never had that chance to share my deepest stories to a girl. Not until now. And it feels so refreshing how it turned out to be so good. And during the talk, it's just pure trust and comfort that I felt all through out. Yes, I shared my life stories, emotional sentiments, daily-perspectives and deep down secrets. And what made it amazing is how my thoughts became automated on feeding her with information she wants to know. I guess that's the power of trust. You don't doubt on whatever you'll gonna say, no filters, because you know she can understand you. You see, it's very rare to find these persons whom you are sure of walking with on your life-long journey. And now, I felt that I am still blessed despite my long-listed life misfortunes. And I am even thankful of them, because without them, I could now have that chance to meet this amazing family-friends of mine. They brought you nothing but genuine smiles and laughs. It's just plain happiness. No regrets, no guilts, and I hope for this to last forever. Thank you! 😊

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23.04.15 Well, not much. I'm just happy I matured in the most unexpected way. Haha I'm glad I'm learning the art of prioritizing which feelings shall I make the dominant over the other. And I'm glad my heart shouted for friendship. And with God's love, I shall adapt to this, starting today. Ciao! 😁😁

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👏👏

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22.04.15- Companions You know what's horrible about meeting different people? It is when you feel they complete you and your day in a very essential way. That you feel so incomplete if you don't see them and you are superficially disquiet of their whereabouts just every time. And you feel alone even if you're in a crowded place because it's different, so different, when you're with them. And what saddens you the most is when you don't want to judge this very important persons of your life but what you feel is that they can go a day without you. Yes, this is one of the MM drama series and I hate it how I subject them in this kind of claim. So, who are those persons? Well, they are my family-friends. I hate to crack it but I feel much home when I'm with them. Their laughs and smiles made me feel enthusiastically comfortable. How I am with them is my very exclusive personality as a person. And I can say it's the purest version of me. I never expected that these once common people in my perspective will turn out to be the greatest circle of friends I could ever have. The idea of horribleness? It's the thought that I couldn't see a group of persons or a current circle of friends I'm into that could surpass the kind of belongingness I feel when I'm with them. And the scary part is when the time comes and we have to bid farewell among us, it will be so unbearable in my part. I really hate that 'p' word. Pure shame.

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Hi! I just want to express my deep amazement on how you express yourself. You're such a dramatic yet very True to self person. There are really things in this world that we could only share to others but not to the person we admire the most. I hope that you may find the courage to express yourself to that special someone of yours. Hihi ☺️

I don't know why guts has always been traitorous to me when it comes to scenarios like this. Ever since I can remember, confessing and opening up has always been my weakest points as a person. And yes, it's true how we find it really difficult to express our feelings to the one we admired the most and it's so frustrating plus self-killing for reasons like it stays within us for a long period of time until it dies inside. And you're still blank because though there is a chance of expressing it, we fail to comply. But hey! Thanks for your time reading my personal dramas in life. Haha In time, I hope I can lead my feet to this wonderful person I've always been admiring and confess all my feelings. Ciao and God bless! :))

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18.04.15- a bouquet of penitence

Ever since I’ve learned to intimately love a person, I never got into a situation where I do something so bold, a move that could define the whole process of the walk, that I had all my guts out of my very system. It’s those things that you do because personal interests drive you and for a second, you are very pleased by your doings not realizing you have transgressed the one you adored the most.

Regrets. It’s all that I’ve been thinking of as I walk past the streets. It left me so blank that I don’t have any prognostic of what might happen the next moment we see each other. Is it awkward? Should I act normal pretending nothing happened? Or should I cast my self away from your sight and wait for the right moment which I know even it came, all the guts in me will fly-vanish?

I really hate how I don’t have those filters in my head that make me think twice before I do or say something absurd. It’s nuts! A total nut-job! Bravo MM, bravo! What were you thinking!? *anguishes* I can’t act like nothing happened. And I can not just sit here and do nothing. What should be my next move? Oh God, I hope this is not the end for us.