frostedturquoise

[frostedturquoise]

I've gone fifteen years on this website without absorbing any information about homestuck and I'm not about to start now

[frostedturquoise]

I am not trying to be disrespectful but sometimes you use big/sophisticated words in your cowboy fic (it's the first one I have read of yours and I am enjoying it a lot!) and it makes me think you use AI or something similar. Again, I do not mean this to be rude but I'm curious if you do.

i use 'big words' because i have a law degree.

[frostedturquoise]

a scene must be included PRIOR to sex where the characters READ their birth certificates OUT LOUD so the reader will know they were born on the SAME DATE to avoid any disgusting AGE GAPS

[frostedturquoise]

Jokes about 'it probably want that far released at the time (it was 2005) nor was that part translated' but due to 'curated media because mother was allergic to her kids being exposed to several things she found controversial' (so i had not put those two dots together at the time) my little kid self would of found the most obnoxious way to say it that i knew would needle her so the more exaggerated her reaction the more she made a fool out of herself. Blegh, that aside, as sad as it is most of My Education(tm) has rusted away due to the past *squints* decade going on decade and a half being dog shit and not being able to do much (even self study due to not being able to concentrate of jack shit for ten years due to an inconsiderate home environment) if i ever write anything for the recent resurgence of old fandom i would consider from afar, there is less of a chance of being clocked over the head by niche knowledge unless i wind up dipping into it at any point. A lot of it is vague memory out of context soup. ....probably for the best in some cases since some of the textbook type things i read from cover to cover as a kid were already like what? thirty years out of date so who knows what it would look like these days if someone were to re-write it based on new knowledge.

Noted that the human biology or bacteriaology ones would of shifted waaayyyy more drastically than the plant ones within the context of them. (though i remember a lot of the diagrams just not what they were about) But i sure do still remember enough to want to pitch questions to the group chat of IRL friends with sound boarding questions that would be utterly incomprehensible because i'm the only plant nerd among us. And if anyone was surprised i would be all 'look why are you surprised i used to trap people in conversations about mycelium when i was six.' and then i would be pestered with a million questions over 'were the fuck did you get that idea' before having to say i was 'thinking a tiny bit too hard about slime mold?' when in reality there is ten other reasons trying to slide under the door of the metaphorical broom closet that i'm trying to sweep back under the door before people notice because its the only way i'm going to get a straight answer.

It's fun to pitch them random ass questions, but i don't think anything will ever beat that time pre-dnd i trapped everyone in a conversation abut 'if they are two different species does its till count as cannibalism?' because they??? actually engaged pretty well with that one. (unsurprisingly it was also a question posed for fic related reasons, but i don't remember if i ever admitted during the conversation if i asked for writing reasons to gather opinions or if i just used the excuse that i saw it pose somewhere and asked out of curiosity because of what sometimes went down in dnd)

[frostedturquoise]

mmmmmm, still been digging in the OC sandpit which hasn't been helping fic endeavors much.

Still wish everyone had more time so we cold get to other games than the one we are now just to fill time.

Still cannot believe i kept rolling so fucking high on nay fae-related role that my human cleric-fighter (still laughing how even before i added the figher levels he had more health than everyone else due to lucky rolls..) that had been seeped in Fae Juice(tm) (his wife's fault) that we ended on the note of 'you know he is probably going to very well be archfey by now if he wasn't already' which is going to make the game where 'okay re-used multiverse flavour for most of our games so far means we can re-use them!'

Still funny how he is basically magic sugar baby of some high rung fae deity of an 'things stayed more normal fantasy land' timeline so him 'n one other NPC when lumped into the same dimension due to all the timelines collapsing into one is going to be all 'who the fuck are you' because by the time that happens they fill similar niches in their respective timelines.

The DM is still trying to co-coerce me into reprising another character roles because 'you realise if that character is still alive in one of the timelines they HAVE to be present right?? Or the other side has quite the advantage and its going to be like playing on turbo hard mode' and i'm all like '...yeah that is a fair point and a way to bring a few others into the fold, saves having to make more from scratch but ho boy are you sure?' because i like to play a different version each time and the last one got to keep his marbles so i have already decided this one didn't. (his friends have to play damage control)

Still i see the mythos game happening first before the other one due to the sheer amount of reworking for the other one game mechanics wise. (dnd 5e is a shell and the dm refuses to pick a better template so its being cracked open and only a few shell fragments will remain scattered between everything else)

But, still. The constant struggle between original stuff and fic because i don't get the time to work on anything is...well, certainly something.

Either way either schmay, something, something didn't get to play an unhinged sanity slip character in a previous game due to life obligations and choosing my job over dealing wit a dipshit player who wouldn't see eye to eye and constantly 'conveniently forget' every agree to disagree and agreement to meet in the middle somewhere and be done with the pedantics of not doing shit his way every time.

Unfortunately due to how THAT game rolled i dont get to reprise two of my characters from said game due to them filling important NPC roles and having to stay where the game starts.

But me and the DM came up with an flavour thing based on an old joke about them so i wonder how long it'd take for the others to realise one of the younger NPC's is their kid. I don't mind it i guess, one ended up taking over the role of a then deceased NPC by this point in the timeline and the other while not minding the fieldwork would be constantly dragged back by everyone because if she carks it there is nobody left who knows how to fix the Important Plot Device(tm) (because you guessed it, the other guy is also dead becauase in that game both of them were old ass men)

But to be fair it's warranted i didn't decide on multiclass before they were sidelined so the whole 'equivalent of a level 40 artificer' would probably be overkill.

Just for giggles i could probably bring in a character from when i was just slapdash teaching my brother and his best friend the ropes since they were re-used in it.

But i feel we have one too many characters in that niche already as of the previous game one it would be something like cleric/rogue probably instead of cleric/fighter. Buuttt i'm not sure who would fill the role of his deity in my brothers best friends setting. I could fluff it as him being 'a fraud' as far as most in his role are considered from the point of view as 'oh i am. but, unless you need healing from poison or something really do anything? i can stick you up but i cannot put your blood back.' because he serves a deity that's specialty was alchemist poisons and illnesses so mundane flesh wounds weren't his thing. Cleric in title only depending on how technical you were going to get.

But then it would reveal me as a one trick pony of 'yeahhh they wouldn't even be clerics if it wasnt for the people they knew, they are honorary clerics if anything, it's a job to them.' because i have only ever had two clerics and my 'probably more archfey now and not human' and that dumbass (affectionate) are it.

Also its funny how they would be opposites in terms of one being more of an studious knowledge collector whose main jey to getting out and about was working for an related deity so he can use work as an excuse for his wife to stop dragging him back to the faelands at random, while the other is more of an hermit alchemist who has access to exactly zero healing magic if it isn't related to poisons and sickness and is very much the 'not my job not my problem' type.

..hmmm given the setting lore that got dialed to twelve it WOULD be kind of funny...but hhhh is it worth it maybe maybe not but it would be funny depending on what characters were reprised would probably be sick of by the end of day one. Because he really would be more of an alchemist/rogue with a side of beast master of some flavour and his actual job moniker was just an title in name only. But at the time i didn't have the time to fluff anything else so he just got lumped under cleric due to there being more in common (technically) with a side of other skills.

Hmm, still things could be worse, but at this point as much as i am amicable to making up little guys on the spot, i already have enough OC's so it's like playing with fire any time i do. The odds of them staying solely in the DnD adjacent sandpit is incredibly low and they will one day manifest in the OC-Verse pit out of nowhere one day like an tumbleweed that uprooted itself and proceeded to get incredibly lost.

The fact that the previous long-long running game was an 'tech has come, tech has gone, some magic tech is around but it really is mostly magic theese days' means that while my Yuan Ti wasn't 'as versatile' as most of the other characters, the other twenty fluffed levels of 'making shit up based on skills and things' meant her list of trades and the like and her magic kind of was reasonably good. A very multifaceted Artificer with a side of engineering was how it panned out in the end esp/ after being NPC'd, she was well traveled anyway it kinda made sense.

Still thinking about it a bit, since the nature of the game means everyone has six or so characters and with two sidelined That One Guy(tm) is the only one that i can pull that will have an niche i don't have that is tied. Though i do get to play two others i didn't get to really play (one sidelined due to last second character change, the other kiiinnddd of died pre-game but ended up Important To Game Lore(tm)) as fiddly as it is in its semi non-linear 'darkest dungeon if you could sent multiple groups out at once' kind of way is definitely going to be different and a novel change of pace.

Still no idea who my sixth character would be but hhhh (okay that's a lie there is a candidate) but i could always bring up 'oh look easier to adapt who i was originally going to for that other game to this one' but...

Hmm, so far most already have a flagged 'risk marker con' and that is the fact that my gunslinger type OC is very much already a living contagion, even if a self contained one. (yay blood that is 'toxic to life' in the infection risk variety) but i feel my brothers best friend with take that notch up to twelve if she ever dies.

It'd bad enough i am already taking an gamble with two characters i have been begged to reconsider because 1. a variation survived and the void getting them is a no-no 2. hard mode 3. where to slot as an NPC that would be viable isn't really that easy since if another 'side' in this game ends up with them would make things tedious. (though not as tedious as if they die and the void contagion eats them and spits their corpse back out)

Actually all this homebrew nonesense combined with my brothers best friends over the top ways, makes me wonder how i would fare in a more normal game. Based on past experience i could still do it after i natter someone to death about asking if spells could be flavored depending on what i went for based on the part due to, you know. Part of my beef with the vanilla spell list was elemental variety and some people being 'no just pick a different one then' instead of simply agreeing to change an basic element for flavour and vibe purposes. Also going back to spell slot system vs spell point system with a full caster over a half caster would definitely be a point of 'hhhh why do i do this to myself'

I suppose 'complicated' tends to happen when 98% of your 120 to 150 odd oc's are over ten to fifteen years old. So it isn't a very easy pool to soft through without an heavy dose of dissonance.

[frostedturquoise]

....Probably is worth saying that at this point things have spiraled towards a point of 'too tired to care just say whatever even if it is everything, not like it matters'

Still, would be awfully nice to be able to write more theese days before sleep kicks in since the battery life on the laptop i wrote on is notoriously shit and the charger is fickle.

Neither does it help that *checks smudged writing on back of hand* that a lot of my IRL friends are cowards who take my neighbor saying i'm not home at face value. Like??? Of course it's not going to sound like i have been home much if i have been asleep for three days, if in doubt just call me if i don't hear the knocking on the door if you call me there is a 50% chance you'll probably annoy me enough for it to register eventually even if i'm 100% out if it when i answer (sure my meds wont stop the sleeby from happening, but the sure as hell make it easier to wake up...sometimes, if you give me some time.).

Also, you know, people being all 'oh no i cant do that what if you NEEDED the sleep!? ' is 500% how the spirals tend to go down. Besides with how much i sleep i don't care if i had just fallen asleep for the first time in 24 hours or something i'd rather hang out than sleep if i can help it because most years i'm just utterly over sleep anyway. (also i'm so used to it happening every time i hear the excuse i kinda wanna start beating said friend up with a cardboard tube. A stiff one. I'm not lying to save face?? i genuinely mean it??)

I'm debating posting some things that are like 'this is an idea, i wanted to add more to it, but nothing more seems to be happening wit it and everything else i go to add just feels wrong' even if most of those aren't very long at all.

Maybe things are too personal over here at the second, but, i guess at the moment i'm just sick and tired of being quiet i guess.

Also my filter has kinda gone to the void, for how long i don't know.

Honestly i kinda thought that whole thing was over?? But no now that i live alone it's apparently akin to a crime to consider it. People who didn't know me very well if at all i can...kinda understand, but everyone else its like '....you know what it gets like...it has not suddenly changed'

If only i could write in my literal sleep, not when im just like...tired as shit but cant sleep due to XYZ reason.

[frostedturquoise]

Regardless of my griping people can ship waht they want and i will stay in my own lane on that one. I'm just over here kicking around my rare pair rocks while debating dumb slice of life vs silly tiny shippy ditties. (vs just working on what i already damn have written down) Something i was doing today but fell asleep for something like twenty hours after replying to emails while embarassed about misreading some tags. The cracker association with ship names will probably forever remain kicking around in the back of my brain just like how if i was to complain about 'hhh yeah the shipping is fine but how about like, more of that pairing not fucking? They make an excellent buddy duo' only to realise that's why i'm never able to live down my friends constantly thinking i'm aroace because i think everyone just hams the romance a bit too hard overall and i am over here like 'but-- but want if i dont want people kissing and fucking for once and just dumb silly buddy slice of life shenanigans'.

Fandom Problems(tm) i guess. (yeah sure. smut. but...there is something to be said about oversaturation here i think) Whining aside i'm still thinking about yesterdays rambling and i am all 'yeah there is better ways i could of worded parts of any of those rambles but it isnt exactly wrong so much as slightly wonky'

[frostedturquoise]

But the whole pet situation HAS put an dampener on my mood the past month and a half, especially since thinking 'oh someone will probably try to guilt trip me for feeling sad over my pet of over a decade by going if you were home more often theese days i would understand but you weren't really home much so why do you care so bad' and literally just wrapped myself back up in a blanket after shutting my laptop after stopping what i was writing because the passing thought was??? Then i realised every time i have ever tried to grieve in person it almost always ended with someone being an entitled dick. (it isnt a thing you get over immediately)

fic writing related ramblings below! Content label is applicable die to it being neurodivergent tangent hours, starts off talking about literal greif, then nsfw fic shit giving me greif.

Honestly it's funny in an very fucked up kind of grounding way that some of the reoccurring things i emphasise in fic sometimes is due to how batshit insanely asinine i find how my family (both sides!) deal with shit is then it is all too easy to remember that that was why kid!me often wanted to bash peoples heads together (literally) over. Because it has been a literal deep seated frustration for literal decades why 'yeaaahhhh there is miscommunication then there is going literally fucking overboard, but holy shit do you just want to see something where people try in a slightly more deeper sense than you usually see'

In that sense my tastes in fic/narrative writing is exactly like my tastes in fields of interests i am actively interested, ask me to pick one and only one and i would tell you 'now why the fuck should i do that? What would even be the point of focusing on only one type?'

So i kind of wonder if there is shit i don't remember focusing much on but wound up being nevertheless implied in something, that has made someone mentally tilt something i have written in their head as they stare at it because i'm just so fucking used to rolling with whatever that i do not think twice half the time, but for someone less used to half the shit i am painfully used to, if it sticks out like a glaringly sore thumb.

Which makes me think of something else... Well, even more of one than how i allegedly sometimes come across as suspicious when in reality im not used to being able to express sexual interests without either: A. getting uncomfortable remarks B. drawing lines in the sand and people getting pissy because you 1. have understandable trust issues and 2. YES i may be a masochist but you would LOVE IT if you could build up to trusting that person to willingly listen if you have a genuine concern because yes your used to to but your joints are dog shit. So while your okay sometimes other times the topic just makes your brain start the dial up noises because you have spent over twenty years dealing with it being an thorn in your side of a topic period, so i tend to oscillate between 'coll with talking on and on and on about nsfw themes and topics' and going 'aaaaaaaaaaa' even over stupid mundane shit because most of the time the topic (conversationally) has given you nothing but (an entirely different kind of) greif. C. anything being used as an excuse to invalidate ones asexuality D. maybe i would be less cagey and things would be less complicated if i didn't spend my entire adult life feeling like everyone tells me things would be sooooo much easier if i let people get their dick wet and have every other thing ridiculed in the same breath for so long. E. when it comes to this shit im just an flighty idiot because unfortunately its not even what people often try to accuse me of its just been 'ohh your asexual your not supposed to have InTerEstS' vs you know, most of your stronger interests being vilified for 'doesnt line up with what you would want in real life' reasons, or is feasible so therefore your hiding something. F. you try telling someone one of the easiest ways to get you going it to vividly describe something that would in actuality be painful even if its isn't being acted upon (because risky and messy and you know) and point B makes 500x more sense as a result (honestly still trying to untagle if that is genuinely a kink thing, or s used to being in pain 24/7 combined with my own brand of invasive thought plague and my brain just ran with it) G. i get so used to the most random ass mundane shit being vilified i seem to be comfortable discussion one second then may very well clam up and become cagey the next because i either second guess myself or feel cagey out of nowhere because like 90% of my kinks or whatever aren't even really inherently sexual at all. H. several of them are tied up in weird ass shit people poke too many holes in and come to wild ass conclusions when they stem from some variety of body issue i myself have experienced personally just skewed in one direction or another and or have very obvious thoughts on and find appealing but just not in an 'would personally want to experience because my fucked up body wouldn't be actually able to handle it unless i got extremely lucky with an below average sized baby' type scenario. Or the obvious glaring 'yeah it would be hazardrous to anyones health but its a fun idea, in theory so long as it stays outside actual reality thank you' I. Unfortunately i spent so long keeping shit to myself because it invited so many kinds of wrong attention (even admitting something one was vaguely interested in leading to morons decide to try to push their luck to 'make an exception' for them) leads to me randomly clamming the fuck up over even stupid mundane borderline vanilla shit because i just expect shit to garner bad attention. J. you spend the vast majority of your life being sexually harassed even about conversational topics people are looking to far into (i.e clothing related) and, well, you would probably have an hard time opening up about the topic in mundane situations too, even if the topic at hand has no relation whatsofuckingever.

Sometimes i write about shit intentionally, other times i just rolling with whatever i set up and any potential interpreted kink content being sidelined is just an neutral if not unfortunate consequence.

Maybe it just sounds like i'm making shit up i guess, but you have any idea how many w.i.p's i am witholding BOTH because im all 'ough yeah cannot relate to soft sweet shit of this variety does it feel TOO fake' and on the flip side you have 'the mortifying ideal of being known' then you have 'ough yeah i wrote this just because it is how shit panned out and its definitely going to get me weird as shit looks should i risk it because it might give me more grief than people just handwaving it as writing whatever based on past experiences'

That third one is unfortunately important due to unfortunate intersecting themes and kinks, but it really is just a classic case of me thinking too hard because i would like to preserve my peace somewhat and sometimes jokey and not so jokey worldbuilding winds up swinging certain ways when you think about it, and it falls into the unfortunate well worn box of 'spent so long getting shit over accidental subtext that it really is a ongoing mental war of Just Post It And Be Done With It vs Can I Be Bothered Dealing With Idiots'

Not to say people cant like whatever it wind's up being, but i didn't spend the first five years f my life lurking roleplay forums approaching people about niche and harmless kinks they were pining over that i otherwise did not give much of a shit about being into it so much as not minding it and offering the opportunity as a show of good will because you genuinely like a good bout of collaborative story telling and if that's what they want as their metaphorical ice cream sprinkles then it is not a bother. i.e not everything is that deep but sometimes it is (just not as often as you would think). Just like how this post is probably very much full of tonal whiplash because i started taling about literal emotional grief then how the idea of posting/engaging in kink/nsfw stuff sometimes has me feel cagey because the topic has caused so much grief as an literal thorn in my side for the vast majority of my life.

Maybe i need to learn not to overthink stuff so much, like how i have an 5-15k long fic (of rather three different versions of it based on narrative direction) rotting because in an half asleep state i wrote something, rolled with it, and was all 'huh im never gonna live this one down' and just kept it unposted despite it arguably having several good lines i find all too entertaining, the overarching theme i accidentally leaned into and ran with too hard while writing in an 'not even consciously writing just tying whatever the fuck comes to mind in an almost dead to the world but slightly awake still for hell knows what reason' daze out of morbid curiosity to see how many words i could bang out before i actually fell the fuck sleep.

Sure i could just anon post it, but whats the point if no matter how hard i try to anonomise it would scream 'yeaaaahhh this reads like a turquoise fic' or at least it would to me because i have stared at it a million times because that one line cracks me up every time because it feels like such an classic way to describe how that character might react to shit when thinking about an passing thought that they decide they don't want despite being into it and it amuses me to much.

That said of all things i feel more comfortable posting my ovi shit, but, hopefully nobody who has seen w.i.p's holds their breath because i am unfortunately fussy and am a person of an endless pile of w.i.p's.

Then i go to tag shit and my mind blanks so i shelve it for later then then it ends up back in the w.i.p cycle because i get the hare brained idea to add to it.

Eugh, case in point 95% of it boils down to trust issue related shit the other 5% is me often feeling like i'm albeit too weird and niche and internally screaming about being perceived as an deranged weirdo because 'thats you though' because i'm used to literally spending quite a lot of my time being an exception to the rule most of the time wen it comes to 'acceptable conversation topic' even if i have, in the past, talked and been fine with it but later felt cagey because that ONE time could of literally been an outlier so i always expect people to randomly react differently if the topic is ever broached again, as irrational as it is. A lot of conversation with me is like that, you often have to dangle conversation in front of me like a spooked animal hiding under a couch because out of nowhere i can become socially skittish then just stop engaging even if i want to. No matter the occasion/rhyme/reason. And now cue the part where i boldly bitch about an unsavoury IRL experience because i have wanted to bitch about it so bad for literal years. (so if. you know. csa related shit or rape attempts make you uncomfortable there is nothing after this that is not related to this thing so you can bounce, no harsh feelings)

I get told i'm an very weird asexual, often implying it was 'becuase i am just disinterested becuase of bad experiences' then i get told i should not be so dramatic about it after i say 'things never got that far so i'm pretty lucky actually!' then i have to burst their bubble that things never got that far because the person who got the closest i actually was about to stab in self defense but didnt have to in the end because someone walked in on the situation (fortunately!!!) Not so fortunately that man was one of my mother's actual boyfriends and i got accused of doing it on purpose over nothing when i have a literal track record of 'has too much paitence and unless you catch me by surprise and i am holding something i am unlikely to actually actively hurt anyone ever' to the point the lunch ladies had an ACTUALLY BETTING POOL over when i'd finally snap and do something worse that just push the offending bully away. But noooo defend the guy who winds up being a dozen time repeated sex offender! its the twelve year old who could pass for a seventeen or eighteen year old that is the problem! *insert ten minutes of garbled unintelligible noises here that sounds somewhere between tv static and someone screeching* yeah. yeah. I had to put up with that. Like in what world is an sex repulsed child going to want to be dicked down on purpose to get an adult they hate in trouble? Seriously what the fuck was wrong with that woman. hhhhhhhhhh honestly i have no words, i was so offended by that reaction if it wasn't going to be inexcusable as self defense after that five minutes i would of just go ahead and stabbed him anyway because of his smug ass fucking expression in regards it getting away with it. Kid!me was too nice and should of just straight up stabbed him no hesitation for even daring to try to actually corner me, but if it wasnt for the impeccable timing of 'everyone else returning from the shops on an shopping trip i was not allowed to attend because how dare i ever have an opinion on dinner options (because i was the only one to not entertain her false optional choice questions where she wont entertain the answers anyway ever just some false attempt at making my brothers 'feel included' while 90% of the time she chose something else entirely) so i was stuck at her place where i was 'supposed to stay' and the only thing that saved his ass from a knife in the gut was good timing on my mothers part.

reztrdycfvygbjhnkzsrxtugyioj too much information maybe??? But man like??? I don't even know. Deal with that on top of the 'ace for reals stop fucking pestering me over when will you start people letting get their dicks wet/thinking about it' and then tough through a decade of everyone combing through literally every crumb of potential subtext ever to try to 'find something your into to invalidate that claim' and often you just learn to find the topic more effort than it is worth full stop outside your own head and every time you DO 90% of the time it's an anxious testing if the waters unless for whatever reason my sense of shame/anxiety over it is 100% absent on an conscious level that day.

Like im more used to being randomly interrogated than having proper conversations over literally anything so i often feel like im more socially awkward and fumble more than even, you know, the average autistic person with utter dog water social skills.

So im used to waffling on about whatever but gimme a topic i even give half a shit about in certain ways and then my social energy goes sideways and melts into the ground because the context has changed.

[frostedturquoise]

But while...hm in hindsight even if certain people are on the fence about the rest until the second half is released, watching it made SOME fandom things make sense, at least for newer end of the fandom. Still cannot help but get 'siblingless/never had to be the nominated babysitter even during school hours' behavior, it feels sooo mean putting it that way but i...really dont know how to put it otherwise.

Maybe it is a consequence of 'kid you otherwise wouldn't put in charge of other kids because they come across as a bitter put upon misanthrope who was never believed when they responded with why with all the bullshit they tolerate why they were prone to being suspiciously hypervigilant' winds up unexpectedly getting along with kids more than they wish and as a result had real life context for shit similar to the canonical context even if not that extreme. But because i humored anyone who was curious about whatever crafty thing (or making things out of the lawn flowers that were going to get mowed over next week anyway) i had enough kids who would walk up to me enough and hand around the kindergarden teachers who were on duty often walked up to me and asked if i had seen X Y or Z because if the lawn had daisies they wanted to make daisy chains and had pestered me enough that teachers sought me out.

Also believe it or not the sibling i complain about being a bratty piece of shit who needs to get a grip and stop acting victimized yet being pissy when people DON'T help yet sitting in peoples faces when people try, was in fact, an horribly co-dependent sibling despite attempts to teach them to be more independent/able to be more self reliant because you saw the neon paint on the wall because you were the only kid of your parent's who clued onto the way our mother treated us. So a lot of my exasperation comes from an very long running pattern of behavior that took an weird turn when he lost the 'safe' person he clung to when he wasn't playing the role our mother dished out to placate her. (and leaned too far into it to keep her happy despite the warning that learning how to do literally any of a select mundane essential task for yourself NOW will make things easier, did not listen because he knew he could goad our mother into doing it for him by, you guessed it, not doing it! then after those four years got pissy because he had 'conveniently forgotten' my forever reluctance to fill the same role especially if he refused to return the favour. i.e help cut food or do dishes or boil the water for the food or vaccuum ect ect) Thennnn he took it incredibly badly when i was away for four years then became the worst fucking bratty entitled shithead known to man who would tell fibs over the internet by retelling shit horrendously out of context for sympathies because he saw our mother do the same thing with relatives over the phone/internet/ect so he was all 'ohh i can do that exact same thing' and he wonders why i just signed in disappointment when he never took it well while knowing 100% he would of handled life better if he wasn't so spineless as to never ask other relatives to vouch for a different school for those two years, handle him following me around like a lost dog for an year despite me just wanting some peace and solitude, then been all 'baiiii' during year three of that time period and he would of been on his own in an familiar area because he would of had time to make friends so me not being there would not of been a problem at all.

So in a way i kinda, you know, Get It(tm) in a way. Especially since the main reason why you were away the further two years so seamlessly was the lady who had been your social worker since shortly after your foster care years vouched for a place for you, so, you guessed it! She was trying to stop me from falling into the same pit my brother did, when...you know, i didn't need that lifeline so badly and it vexed me for years before i gave up and was like 'FINE be MISERABLE tell me when you actually want help' after a discussion on discord did not match up with an in-game discussion and i was sent discord screen caps of an very real 'out of context on no pity me older sibling being mean woe is me' moment when i really just told him that if he wanted me to cook dinner so bad he could get his ass into the kitchen and soak the baking dish and cut the veggies and meat since it was only fair given all the other household chores i did that day that were only as bad as they were because of him and had fucked my arm up again.

But my personal gripe is also tainted by one of my mothers exes being a disgusting sack of human refuse who took me touching/being close with anyone as 'me wanting to bone them' and given a lot of those accusations were aimed at siblings/cousins it kinda unnerves me a bit even if i am handwaving it as 'One Of Those Fandom Things(tm)' because it really isn't the first time i have seen Something That Doesn't Need To Be Sexual taken as sexual by large swathes of a fandom. (even if it can definitely skirt perceived social boundaries i know from experience that it can 100% stay utterly platonic due to being the one clung to) I just feel mildly inconvenienced because i grew up being unable to even share a blanket with anyone on a cold day without being accused of sexual acts. by a man who had no boundaries. (lets not go into that.)

YMMV and all that, but i can understand it as personal squick meets a touchy topic. Well...i say topic, but its really three different things in a trench coat that came coated in shitty glitter in the flavour of 'yeah sure you favour said physical trait sexually BUT i am a LITERAL CHILD so stop telling my my hypermobility disorder will make someone very happy one day thank you'

There was going to be an ancedote here but it would involve having to slap an huge ass TW on this post for just one tiny portion of it. So instead your going to get told that i would of blissfully forgotten about it if not for a shitty pedantic roommate and my unwillingess to waste perfectly good food taht could be moved instead of Thrown The Fuck Out (what is wrong with you its not yours you didnt pay for it leave my cake alone) and she then refused to believe i was asexual because 'i clearly had blowjob experience' when it was a clear 'lady its a bit under less of the quarter of the size of a square cup coaster it is not anything special all it means is i have a fucked up jaw'

The funny part? None of my other grade 12 roommates were there at the time so nobody believed her because there was no cake crumbs on the floor. I still never escaped the mean spirited 'you cannot possibly be ace' shitholery from her though.

Why this one specifically? For as much as i have seen people make fun of a certain character (and make fun in my own way but from an less mean spirited way so much as 'haha, yeah' kinda one) it comes from a very 'redirected recontextualised' kind of way.

On in particular i have not voiced yet because i haven't been online enough to voice many thoughts (especially before i head read it in entirely) came purely from an place of 'was an incredibly floppy easily knocked over child despite being sturdy looking and clearly built like someone clearly used to helping with yardwork and labour intensive chores, so naturally i would think about things like side effects of 'hmm they could do this? how would that go' and a few weeks later when picking it up again be pleasantly surprised by some flavour of it being canon. Because in fact as much as i like swimming i hattteee it when my joints play up because if i'm not careful and lost track of time i end up with an lot of unwilling floor time and full well know the struggle of people making fun of you for it because 'you were just fine before' so it came from more an place of '...yeah.' It was an peculiar realisation that it was one particular flavour of thing i hadn't pushed on an character before, so, uh, its part of the 'canon flavoured noodle incident leads to domestic au' now. There is no witty title for it so much as it is an aftermath of realising most of the cast are like cardboard box kittens to you and you just want dumb slice of life shenenigans. However the unwritten AU has an working title in my head in the form of 'sometimes an family is an plant, two pets, an worm, your employees and an estranged brother who twisted your arm into being less of a shit head and his two friends' and it has the lazy excuse of existing solely because 'somewhere, somehow, the other was coerced into compliance and now everyone has to deal with the aftermath' that takes place at an nebulous timeline point you just wanted an excuse to mentally dump most of the asinine slice of life thoughts in the one setting. Like is it plausible? No not really. But it entertains me specifically during bored moments between errands and staring at household chores i do not have the energy for after enduring since feburary up until last month being woken up every other week by some numbskull constantly setting off crackers in the dead of night often jolting you awake and whatever unfortunate misplaced limbs were pretzelled just right suffered from an unfortunate case of 'ow there goes the joint socket' but uh, on the bright side threatening to smother whoever it was with a pillow in the dead of night after i had literally had e-fucking-nough was actually surprisingly met with compliance and not some rando deciding to be a shit head, so, uh. Pleasant surprises so i have spent a lot of this year blanket burritoed in my suffering since having all my major screwy joints playing up at once from recent -of reoccurring- injuries from being jump scared awake (or reading at janky ass angles because you cannot keep comfortable and have to keep shifting) has lead to me spending waayy more time at my unit than i would like. Which by the way, is utterly abysmal when your well medicated and not able to function while literally so fucking but if it from either perpetual sleep deprivation or constant overstim because you need everyone at home to shut the fuck up and go somewhere for 24/h because you just need to take a floor nap with the cat and read a bit with no humans around and the deadline had been perpetually overdue for close to a decade.

Literally i have no idea how anything i have written in the past ten years makes even a speck of fucking sense, it may not of been obvious from the other end of a computer screen, but i had spent a exceedingly long string of years where i have been almost completely fucking out of it it had just been noisy enough that i was able to tough out staying awake because i was too stubborn to do nothing with my time when i could try to do something with my waking hours even if they were brief and it was not productive at all in any useful sense. (i.e viddy games)

Only now i am functional but the terrain hates me so i just don't go because in my current state its twice as bad minimum, but being caught up in the sleeps means you get nothing done anyway more than not with most of your theoretical free time....free time i could of spent writing if it right now didn't either put me to sleep or feel like pulling teeth, very rare moments of inbetween.

[frostedturquoise]

I both appreciate yet loathe that out of all the things i have picked up/revisited media wise the past three years that the only one that hasn't hurt me in some way is Dungeon Meshi (so far) because i have been snail pacing it with a friend alone. Still, funny in a way how much time certain fandom things made me go all 'ohh this was one of the ones i never fully finished watching and reading because of wiped internet bookmarks because someone fucked the computer up while you were put in foster care' the whole 'what the hell was i watching and why' feelings were just obscured by ten year old me going 'thank you internet for letting me put my dumbass bad half baked written on the spot fanfiction up on the internet because now i dont have to worry about loosing typed chapters ever again' and was glad that after like three quarters of a year i could pick up right where i left off. Inadvertently its funny how two decades later the consequences of my mothers actions rear their heads in weird ways like 'symbology obsessed friend points out every single possible biblical reference in piece of media and your mentally tilting your head sideways while thinking about if they checked out' because out of the entire friend group your the only one who has ever touched an bible because you were constantly getting your notebooks and sketchpads and fiddle objects taken away so your foster parents just handed you a bible to keep you occupied during saturday afternoons and you decided to humour them because it was the least you could do for them really since they actually treated you like your own person. (ironically it also makes me the only person with an decent experience with the foster care system and religious parental/social guardian figures at all full stop...) so really it's in a way funny for most of the time while a friend was gleefully yammering away while you were watching stampede about religious symbolism your brain was making dial up noises because it both checked out and was incredibly jarring because it was like being in my early primary school years again dealing with bible theory and realising every christian i knew before that point were all the worst kind of hypocrites. (am still not religious however despite people trying over the years...)

But in all reality it has just been an incredibly jarring two years on top of finding out most of your more specialized study field interests have been folded into shit on an 'need to know workplace training basis' or just flat out don't exist in your area because there is too little of a demand for it. So between everything i am all 'pls dont make me have to re-do my IT certs in this technological economy' while mentally rolling around on carpet dramatically because i don't have the physical space for it because even not having admin perms to 'tidy up' any windows 11 clunk has made me want to defensetrate said device every time if not take to it with an hammer and turn it into incredibly tiny pieces because i only have so much patience and it is not for this shit i would literally rather be handed a container full of things so small i needed a miscroscope to distinguish them and be handed a pair of tweezers and pointed at a microscope and be told to get sorting even if there was thousands of tiny little items...

On the flip side i somewhat feel grateful that kid!me shelved certain things as a 'one day, some day' thing in regards to finishing the rest of once i crossed them again to jog my memory about titles because a LOT of what i had watched of Trigun at all as a kid caused so many circle walks around the backyard garden as it was. So parts that didn't make it into the anime (or parts that just Were Not(tm)) because holy shit would certain things would of made me mentally turn a digital page sideways, look to the school photos, then look to my mother, and have would up in foster care an whole ass year sooner because she definitely would not of taken the whole 'hyperspecific new way of being called out about the performative hyperfeminimity she is pushing on her biologically hormonally abnormal child' situation.

It definitely fell victim to being waysided because the 'no punches pulled' approach had pit it in the 'cannot talk about ever' pile because' 'children should not be concerned with such emotionally charged things' as if i hadn't been exposed to war media since the second i was born... So i suppose it makes sense that it took a while for it to be something in anyway or form i decided to bite the bullet and pitch, since it was incredibly easy bait given my brothers best friend's love of religious symbology.

[frostedturquoise]

Haven't had time for tumbling but today's dnd highlight was after dnd while musing about spells was forgetting the DM uses the pedantics of the Thaumcraft minecraft mod element puzzle system for a lot of his 'what would make what and fill the gaps for what doesn't exist in game' and mid conversation he got bored and declared 'Ha! Could even make trees if he wanted to, well, if the other helped' For one i was glad to be away enough from my phone to be able to not make a noise while laughing into the nearest pillow because i immediately laughed. ...While i was hesitant despite leaning into the DM's joke before we even started for this game while the other one gets ironed out (far less ability to just hash out some sheets then start) it has been entertaining.

On one hand i want to say things on the other hand i am all 'no you made the joke first because my characters did not have names and you was a smart ass about it, then i decided no that is funny actually' and if he remembers half the shit he says he is going to side eye me so hard when he finally gets around to everything else because 'wants to avoid spoilers' and i don't think i have ever been so grateful for being on the other end of a microphone in quite a while.

On one hand i feel like an idiot chump, on the other hand the DM stepped in it and i saw an opportunity when he said i still run the risk of 'still having the most normal character' and geez, it still feels wrong due to the direction somewhat but it sure has been entertaining watching where things fall..... So far we have a reference counter of close to ten and he is only aware that he has intentionally or otherwise made three, he is either going to hate it or find it hilarious that i kept them all to myself just like how i kept ribbing him during one of our older games every other session being all 'are you SURE your going to hate dragon ball? Really? i am seeing an awful lot of parallels here.' in every session at least five potentially on the nose in the right light references were made. So far three of them are the die's fault, one s mine, the rest is the DM and i am over here like '...i dont really have to do anything do i, he is paving this road himself' On one hand i felt like an idiot for going 'yeah okay i guess thats who they are now since i never thought that far and you could paste what i had in mind onto the twins...i feel like an fool but yolo i guess.' and while i definitely feel like i am not doing the best i could be i know i am definitely not doing the worst given what the DM's setting's are like. I don't entirely regret my choice, but it sure had been funny seeing what accidentally lines up complete with the whole 'soooo people cant tell exactly what you are your lab experiments' thing that dropped today and i personally wonder if he looked at a wiki, just a peek, or if this was his way of handwaving something because 'if in doubt make them an construct or something made via magic or in a lab' isn't unusual and quite common for him so it is plausible he hasnt since his exposure before i dangled ANY piece of related media in front of him was allegedly a handful of Woldwood meme's. Soooo whenever he is done waiting (after a to be determined movie night some time in the distant future) i am going to gleefully slide a link over and wait for the DM spam over all the shit i never said anything about because its funnier if i dont.

It'll be even funnier if people haven't put two and two together yet at the time and the DM breaks the silence on out inside joke-not-joke himself.

I feel like i am really not doing the best i could be but i unfortunately yet fortunately have lot armour on my side in the form of 'mist event happened and they dont remember jack fucking shit outside whatever godawful noodle incident that took up six months of the past eight, because, we rolled for giggles where they would land only for that to be winding up washing ashore from being dumped in the nearby ocean and needing a way for them to get from that far corner of the map to almost the complete opposite' so, you know. That came out of the whole 'i dont fucking know man, i dont know this map and i doubt you have the time to tell me whats where without getting distracted'

Compromises. But the DM starting off the week by accidentally stepping in a reference by being all 'Oh! If he really wanted to Knives could make a tree..well, if Vash helped because knives doesn't have sun/fire aligned magic...' nearly fucking killed me. Poor bastard has no idea what he said. (we decided to fluff it that there elemental affinities are separate and they are literal dog shit at anything else, just for flavour.) Couldn't say anything for what felt like two whole minutes because i was laughing too hard.

I wish i was making shit up because im over here like 'this shits fake some of it HAS to be deliberate' but no, half the accidental references are exactly the kind of shit he would pull out of his ass anyway. But on the bright side i feel less ridiculous because everyone but one character (the most absurd one of them all potentially) is fandom flavoured anyway so im hardly in this particular ball pit alone, we just (almost) all have different flavours of it. The DM unfortunately caught me while i was in the middle of the direction i wanted my Dvanti to take so it took very little to accommodate it because unfortunately i was hearing up for elements and the ability to make stupid botany jokes anyway because even if i had to give up finding a way to make a certain OC quite work last second without breaking too many things that i thought would of been pretty straighforward, so i wasn't going to give up my gimmick entirely.

Maybe it will never be as funny as that time my poor Just Wanted To Do His Job But Got Caught Up In This Mess(tm) run of the mill human fighter and the 'magic clone he had to kill' both kept knocking each other to 0 hp then aced their death saves three times rinse repeat and having this happen to the SOLE HUMAN who was by all rights squishier than everyone who actually legitimately almost died, was something i couldn't live down for months due to the aforementioned DB jokes related to that game.

But? You know what. I guess i cant possibly do worse than i have done before. Though, you know, even as a fanfic writer it still makes me feel cringe, but i know i am in a judgement free zone because i'm not the first of this group to do it and everyone was cool with it the time someone else deliberately did, so, i think i'm fine even if it still makes me feel i stepped in an stagnant manky puddle that was deeper than it appeared to be.

Definitely not the worst thing i have done in the case of 'fuck it risk it for the biscuit at the end of the joke' moment i have ever done as far as DnD character concepts went. It's heavily improvised but i have plot armour in the form of 'pretty much everything memory and magic wise from any time before that time you washed up on that beach is fuzzy' so... Saved by what backgrounds were dished out without me knowing while i was still debating character concepts. It feel's very awkward and clunky but i'll get used to it. Maybe. ...Maybe not. We will see where the consequences of this mutually impulsive DM and Player decision goes with time.

[frostedturquoise]

Mmm the ramble makes a bit more sense in context when it was about me pondering why i shifted gears in a w.i.p i was staring down earlier that i started penning while waiting for dinner to cook the other night. Only to remember i was put off by my initial idea due to all the people walking about past my window when i was stirring a pot of pasta mix, and your neighbor coming home at one point, so if you started talking about what was admittedly an more macabre take on the theme out of context it would be very embarrassing. After all its as enough when im sometimes awake of a morning and take trash out your all 'okay is that an its [whatever] am and i haven't had my first smoke of the day in its entirety yet look, or is it him looking at me weirdly because i said shit in my sleep and he was awake enough at some point to hear me say something very weird and incredibly random or bizarre out of context' (i am, unfortunately, something of a sleep talker) So instead of borderline ero-guro flavored nonsense (that originally stemmed from a much tamer notion then THAT morphed into a different notion because somebody in my orbit brought up ball joint dolls lmao) it just ended up being 'wouldnt it be funny of instead if that x ended up pining like a lost puppy that was picked up off the street and A and B are oblivious but C is just in the background thing everyone in this situation is absolutely hopeless and beyond help but doesn't care enough to intervene because its funny actually b/c D is the technological equivalent of a stray that got rehomed (in a sense)' The exact same thing but slice of life instead of what was originally going to be 'quasi organic being being pulled apart and cleaned up and reassembled' but leaning towards a slightly different flavour of what once was in the background because the vibe shifted with an dash of introspection while someone else is absolutely fed up with their job because that is how i roll apparently. Like it could of very much been something it isn't shaping up to be, i just unfortunately like the slice of life angle better, i am just unfortunately a chronic worldbuilder at heart.

[frostedturquoise]

I find it funny how i will oft recontextualise things i am (admittedly sometimes woefully familiar with) in an 'hmm, familiar enough with this thing so making the character like that about different things aint gonna be hard' casually as wiping grains of spilt sugar off a benchtop without thinking of it any further than 'meh familiar enough with that feeling to be able to portray it for different reasons'

But i have never done it to like any of the 5 things i have lived that crop up in fic spaces with any degree of regularity to have cemented them as feeling like they are a solid thing in their own right and not once have i done anything with those because its filled with too much second hand embarrassment despite them being the kinds of things that perfectly slide into a slice of life setting.

But i sure as fuck will look at a characters situation in one flavour of a canon or another and go 'hmm i can wedge this thing in. just for giggles. because i dont think i have ever deliberately shoved this thing onto a character before outside one singular OC because it gave the opportunity for a specific flavour of banter' only the OC situation (a somewhat recently minted OC) is played more straight whereas the other situation its purely a consequence based on getting around said quasi-canonical flavour of 'i shall burden you with this just because i felt like it today' and it slots in very well.

But i sure as fuck will die of embarrassment over writing something where someones close friend shacks up with a parent. (assuming everyone involved is adults of course) But give the situation was '12th graders close friend they made via babysitting her kids every other week for several years ends up shacking up with their dad and her kids are kinda your siblings via association now' is peak awkward meets comedy shit to me but i'd die of embarrassment trying to write it because it was awkward for every single child in the situation but most importantly me because for some reason her kids clung to me like glue which was exasperating but still more novel than dealing with my own brothers entitled ass so i endured it, but it still did not make things any less awkward but it was funny how their 'may as well be pesky younger siblings' behavior kind of died down after that due to The Awkward(tm) But the funniest part was the youngest going 'how didnt you figure it out before now' and i was all 'i spend half my time away from home at the moment for school and they were friends who really got along i didn't expect it to be like that now' and was just completely unaware and missed the memo for two whole months.

....then sent an whole week for being bullied for 'your so smart how could you have been so oblivious' and i was there all 'you know kid, this is not one of the things you expect to have actually happen in real life' while contemplating how you hadn't put two and two together before that point either.

[frostedturquoise]

hyperfixation please stay with me long enough to complete the project. hyperfixation do not fade. hyperfixation finish what you started for the love of god

[frostedturquoise]

Couple + Sibling/relative third wheel is honestly an S-tier trio dynamic and I wish we saw more of this in media.

"You are my soulmate. We are forged together by battle and tears and love. Also my brother's coming along."

"Yo."

[frostedturquoise]

(via FlimsyFlamingo on Twitter)