frya

[frya]

You arent perfect but you're one who tries. I can see how hardworking you are and how willing you are to go above and beyond to make me happy. Imperfect but is working hard to be a better man. I know you're not here to make me look dumb. You're my bestfriend and I know I could run to you for and with anything. I know and you say it as well thay you will mess up but as long as you promise to be better, I will love you, I will keep you, I will celebrate you.

You are a man that's hard to find.

[frya]

'10th month' thoughts ~~ I was super anxious last month. I was starting to have this thought at the back of my mind that we were going to break up because the thought "this is where most of my relationships end" kept on echoing. This set me off to a constant battle to self destruct. Just yesterday, I was walking alone and contemplating about things (even though I was too anxious to do it in fear of breaking down in the middle of an unknown place to me) to see how I was, where I am, and what I really wanted to do.

I'm totally and honestly super disappointed in myself. Not being 'just' hard but just being truthful. Recently, I have seen that I let my anxiety get the worst in me. It has lead me to hurting the people I love. Saying hurtful things. Hurting myself even more. I am at a point where I honestly cannot see myself ever capable of being good or deserving of anything I have at the moment. This very thought is pushing me off to isolate myself even more as I kept on seeing how this affects the people around me. Who could do that to the people they love? So far in my life, this is the part where I can say that im really at my worst.

Despite all that, its truly beyond my belief that I still can say that im cared and loved. Although there are overpowering scenarios and thoughts about how people have to me recently that keeps on setting me off to a rough patch, what I have right now is more than enough for me. Its beyond what I deserve.

2. Im at a point in my life where everything is being pulled to the left and right and sometimes the stretch is a bit too much for me that I think I might finally break. But im still here. Pain is my friend because of that. Funny still, that there's this glimpse of positivity in my heart that I am in the right place, its just difficult right now because this is beyond my comfort zone. What made me see this is how things are just starting to fall in to place without me even trying. Heck, im so tired to try. That I just said to myself, I'll just go with the flow this time.

Im still trying to get a looser grip on the things that I have tried to control for so long to lessen the strain in my life. But still, I hope that the things that are very dear and important in my heart stays the same or finds its way to be what I need and want.

3. In most of my confusions and thoughts, you are the only thing that makes sense. Mel, I am truly grateful of how understanding and gentle you have been. Even if I have been nothing but a cold hearted, needy, and useless in all of the fights and misunderstandings we had. I truly don't deserve you. And you certainly don't think that you deserve how I have been to you to the point that several times I started to believe that being apart from you is my way of protecting you from myself. But you never let me go. And because of your love, I want to make everything worth it for us both. Even if right now whatever is in my hands I can't get properly a hold of. I love you beyond words. Thank you for giving me a chance to become better at loving you and also for reminding me to love myself again. I appreciate that you still try to understand me even if im really difficult to understand. But I want you to know that it means the world to me that you do understand, you are a big part of why Im still here. Why im still fighting. You make me happy, you make me feel alive and that I want to live. Thank you my love. You surprise me still after all this time. I hope you can forgive me for my shortcomings. I love you forever.

I will be doing my best for the next seasons of our love to love and treat you better.

[frya]

[frya]

nakakapagod

[frya]

Im doing something stupid. I feel so alone and cold. Im doing this to stop myself from feeling. From hurting. From thinking. Nobody cares anyway so might as well die.

Bye.

[frya]

pathethic af

[frya]

tell me how the hell do i feel without being affected

[frya]

I am damaged. I am easily triggered. I struggle with things. This is one of those nights where all I could be is curled up on my bed and don't want to talk to anyone. I wanna shut people out. I don't want to trust anyone, because everyone else has always left, chosen something/someone else, or got tired. To hell with reassurance. Why do I have to be so needy? I am a lot, I know this. Would someone care though if they would hear from me that im getting bad again?

Im not always happy or positive. This is the truth. Im starting to believe no one can handle it. Even I can't.

[frya]

Im exhausted. From expecting and expectations from me. Im tired of answering questions that really answers nothing significant for the future.

It almost seems pathetic that I feel so many emotions all at once yet I only know how to express them in silence, in sleep, by just merely existing in one moment without functioning.

Nobody still seems to understand too. But its okay, because I do.

[frya]

We don't like being told what to do when we want to do something else.

[frya]

its really sad that there are still some people who'd insist that you can just shake off your depression by positively thinking and cheering yourself up with random things. Its like they never think that nobody would want to be in a position where they are anxious and overly sad. Do they not realize that we have done what we can to be happy. Some people even has everything they want and need for a lifetime and yet they choose to die out of depression.

Sometimes, you get that they are trying to cheer you up or be supportive by imparting some experiences that they've had in their life. I get that they're coming from a good intention but sometimes what they're saying can be invalidating what one is feeling. Yes, we can filter them but being someone who is both anxious and depressed; it would take more of thinking to flush the thoughts down and would just open more doors to overthinking. Realizing that if other people are trying to fix things for them then, something must be totally wrong with them.

You might think they/we are strong if only we could choose what you chose to be as strong as you are when you are suggesting your experience but keep in mind that different people have different capacities. What's not a big deal to you might be a big one to someone else. And there's nothing wrong with that. Its not a description of weakness to that someone but rather a place of vulnerability that everyone should respect and learn to embrace - not judged or invalidated. Empathy and sympathy in the right timing and right words. Sometimes, the right words and just saying the simple words to encourage someone while their scars are showing. No need to patch the wound for them.. but just be there for them.

[frya]

it really is what it is

[frya]

that's just it

Opportunity cost is the loss you take to make a gain, or the loss of the gain for another gain.

A value a person could have received but have passed up in pursuit of another option.

[frya]

Opportunity cost is the loss you take to make a gain, or the loss of the gain for another gain.

A value a person could have received but have passed up in pursuit of another option.

[frya]

hindi na tayo mage-expect. hindi magtatanong. hindi na tayo mag sasalita.

nakakapagod. hayaan na lang natin na maramdaman natin yung bigat at sakit. masasanay ka rin. baka sa susunod, di mo na maramdaman.

hinga lang ches

[frya]

There is no time if I don't ask to be in it.

[frya]

Why do I write? My thoughts and ideas are problems. They cause me trouble and confusion most times. I get lost on it. I get angry. I get upset. I get sad and depressed. Its almost ridiculous when at the end of the day I ask myself, "who told you that?" and then I realize it was all in my head. Now they say, if you can write it down - half the problem is already solved. So I write. Do I write to remember or forget? These days I write more to forget rather than remember. There seems to be more memories, thoughts, and other things that needs to be forgotten and left behind.