ft-ca
ft-ca
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ft-ca · 3 years ago
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it’s been a minute. thought i would visit this little past time since twitter is having a moment.
my last post was about how i didn't know what i was doing with my life. i think i have a better idea? 
buddha, my first-ever dog died. which made me realize that life is short. and that i hated my job/workplace. so i quit and now i’m learning to code so i can work from home. and have a regular schedule aka have regular hours and not work weekends and holidays. 
i also want to start my own business somehow on the side. 
getting married. still debating kids. not sure i have the bandwidth.
my phd ex-therapist suggested i get assessed for autism. i thought about it for a year. finally decided to do it. psychiatrist who talked to me for 45 minutes didnt think i was on the spectrum. i think i’ll trust my therapist who spent a year and a half with me.
basically, reclaiming my agency and creating a life more suited for my special needs. the best part: not doing it alone.
#ft
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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dont know what im doing with my life
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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Girls racing sheep in Aberystwyth, Wales. 1965.
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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[February 2017] Winston, OR
Here’s a photo of a cutie patootie 👅
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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Birthday month is over
My favourite month of the year. Lit on fire. I have no idea what’s happening with me. I have my google calendar reminderfor a self reflection and it’s just sitting there. Overdue. I’m not ready to end therapy. I feel like my life fell apart last night. I mean. Actually work is going pretty well. I think I’m doing well in terms of being thorough with the orders. And now I just need to work on talking to people and letting them in. I fucking don’t want to though. I feel like that’s when people start talking about you behind your back.
It feels lonely in that office even though I’m surrounded by people. When there’s too many people, I get quiet. When there’s too many people with masks on, I tune out. It takes too much effort to try to make out what everybody’s saying. It takes too much mental energy and for what? Nothing. Today they were talking about how covid has put a stop on their dating lives and how it’s been so hard. And those things are true. And it’s still possible. I mean. Look at me. Although I shouldn’t speak too soon. I’m definitely in the phase of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which is something I want to talk to J about. Anyway, dating. It’s prime time for it people. Everyone is lonely. Everyone has time. Traffic has gone down if you live in the city or in a suburb. Expand your radius. Expand your age range. Yes, there’s a risk of covid. But all of us health workers have been working together for 5 months in close proximity to each other and I don’t know one person who’s gotten covid at work. So it’s possible. And you have to compromise a bit. FaceTime and zoom first dates as much as you hate video. You don’t want to invest and meet someone you don’t know and risk getting covid? Then you need to consider doing a video first. Not only are you protecting yourself. You’re protecting other people. You don’t even need to leave your house or worry about who’s paying. They were just so discouraged and I’ll tell them tomorrow. I wanted to say something today but it was my first day doing p3 by myself and I was stressed. And working very hard. And when I thought about speaking up, my heart was fucking pounding out of my chest. Because anxiety.
So yeah, I guess work is working out!! Yay!! I will have to keep at it. And keep reading and studying and doing CEs. This is the vertical part of the stairs of progress that Joyce was talking about. Work hard a bit, then coast a bit. It doesn’t have to be go go go all the time. On the other hand, I feel like my personal life has imploded on itself. Yes, I found foxsy and she’s lovely. And it’s difficult for me to not run. The urge almost never goes away. And it’s the strongest it’s been now bc of what happened between Buddha and Sammy. And I mean. It was my fault. I invited him over. And didn’t really think it through. Was overly ambitious and was focused on accomplishing a task instead of trying to get to know and spend time with the human. It was my fault for inviting them both over. And then it exploded when I couldn’t ask them to leave when I wanted them to. If I want to invite someone over, I need to know how to ask them to leave. It was just a mess. I didn’t want to go hiking on Saturday bc I was tired. And forced myself. And felt like a Debbie downer. Then in attempts to make up for it, invited an activity that was wayyy overly ambitious.
And this thing with Joyce. This. Biweekly taper with this termination looming and pending is killing me. It’s really not helping the process at all. Like it’s just dragging this out in a painful way and I wish that we could just rip the bandaid. It’s too hard to open up, when I know that I have to close up. I already told work to get rid of my Friday mornings. So I’ll either have to catch Joyce on my random off days or something if I want to continue. It seems like there’s more work to do now. Like. Learning to ask for my needs and not betraying my own boundaries. I want to talk about waiting for the shoe to drop. And how I realized that I had stopped waiting for the shoe to drop with Joyce. At some point. I don’t even know when. And. What am I going to do when I stop waiting for the shoe to drop and tell my friends. Tell my parents. How am I going to tell my homophobic. And transphobic (more than they are homophobic) parents that I’m dating a trans woman? How. It’s feels eerily similar to how I felt when I was planning to come out to them. And I think coming out to my evangelical fundie parents was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. It was so hard. I cried so hard doing it. To think that I have to do that again? Fuck
Next session is going to be a full 50 minutes
I can delete my self reflection reminder email now ✅ you’re welcome internet strangers
Goodbye August. I’ll see you next year my love
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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What Cis People Say To Trans People Vs. What We Hear
By Meredith Talusan and Rory Midhani
TRANSlator 3000: Amazing technology translates cissexist BS!
“Oh you’re trans but you look so good!” “Trans people are ugly.”
“I’ve never met a trans person before.” “I assume I can identify any trans person.”
“I would date a trans person.” “Trans people are usually undateable so I deserve a prize.” 
“You look just like a real woman.” “Trans women aren’t really women.”
“I’m glad you’re being honest with me about being trans.” “Trans people who don’t tell me they’re trans are deceivers and liars.”
“I loooooove trans people!” “I fetishize trans people.”
“It’s so hard to switch pronouns.” “Trans people are an inconvenience to me.”
“I don’t have a problem with trans people.” “I have a problem with trans people.” 
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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Kenosha, Wisconsin
DONATE TO JACOB BLAKE’S MEDICAL BILLS
CHARGE THE COPS WHO SHOT JACOB BLAKE
BAIL FUNDS
Kenosha City Attorney: 262-653-4170
District Attorney email: [email protected] Kenosha Mayor and City Administration: 262-653-4000 ; [email protected] Wisconsin Department of Justice: (608) 266-1221 Kenosha Police Non Emergency Line: 262-656-1234
Kenosha Chief of Police: [email protected]
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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I was still babbling when Boris said: “Potter.” Before I could answer him he put both hands on my face and kissed me on the mouth. And while I stood blinking — it was over almost before I knew what had happened <…> We stood looking at each other — me breathing hard, completely stunned. “Good luck,” said Boris. “I won’t forget you.”  Later — in the cab, and afterward — I would replay that moment, and marvel that I’d waved and walked away quite so casually. Why hadn’t I grabbed his arm and begged him one last time to get in the car, come on, fuck it Boris, just like skipping school, we’ll be eating breakfast over cornfields when the sun comes up? I knew him well enough to know that if you asked him the right way, at the right moment, he would do almost anything; and in the very act of turning away I knew he would have run after me and hopped in the car laughing if I’d asked one last time. But I didn’t. And, in truth, it was maybe better that I didn’t — I say that now, though it was something I regretted bitterly for a while. More than anything I was relieved that in my unfamiliar babbling-and-wanting-to-talk state I’d stopped myself from blurting the thing on the edge of my tongue, the thing I’d never said, even though it was something we both knew well enough without me saying it out loud to him in the street — which was, of course,
                                                                      I LOVE YOU. 
The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt // The Goldfinch (2019) dir. John Crowley
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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“[I]t is actually more expensive to be poor than not poor. If you can’t afford the first month’s rent and security deposit you need in order to rent an apartment, you may get stuck in an overpriced residential motel. If you don’t have a kitchen or even a refrigerator and microwave, you will find yourself falling back on convenience store food, which — in addition to its nutritional deficits — is also alarmingly overpriced. If you need a loan, as most poor people eventually do, you will end up paying an interest rate many times more than what a more affluent borrower would be charged. To be poor — especially with children to support and care for — is a perpetual high-wire act.”
— It Is Expensive to Be Poor | The Atlantic
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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gay🍵irl
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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Aaaaand now the world is literally on fire
But it’s my birthday so happy 27 to me woot
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ft-ca · 5 years ago
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