gabsxms

[gabsxms]

I’ll admit, I do miss talking to her. That’s why I responded. Reason I don’t seem really engaging because I’m just not all there anymore in talking to her, that I sometimes remind myself that she didn’t want to talk to me first anymore. She has her reasons though. And I don’t need to know them. And I don’t want to. But why did I still respond? But most importantly, why does she keep reaching out to me here and there? I know it’s been two months, it hasn’t been that long either. Maybe she thinks it’s okay for her to talk to me after a couple months. But I’m whatever about it now. Kinda curious in how she saw my tweet and then comment on it, the fact that we unfollowed each other on there, that she’s probably lurking on my twitter. Either because she’s curious in how I’m doing, or she misses me in a way, but I highly doubt that. If she wanna know, I’m doing well, better actually. Always have been, and then there was this time I started to have dreams about her days in a row, which was weird, I don’t know if it’s telling me something, but if I’m reading this again, don’t text your ex LOL. Anyways, my family asks about her, and all I could say was “things happen”. But they continue to keep asking, and it’s getting annoying, but it is what it is. She was an important person in my life at one point, and I’m not gonna deny that at all. I know I’m a better person now than I was before. And I know what I want and what I deserve. If only I was completely there for him to have me, but I rather give it a bit more time because I’m not gonna act like I didn’t just get out of something. Lastly, I think this will be the last time I’m ever going to talk about her, I just wanted to vent all this here, because there’s a chance you might see this, even though I’ve increased the chances of you not seeing this because I unfollowed you here too. But if you do happen to see this, that you took the time to check my profile, I think that says something...

[gabsxms]

Out here living my best life.

[gabsxms]

Plot twist: we find our way back to each other and we’re happy.

Reality: you stay cut off still and pretend like we never existed.

[gabsxms]

Talked to my best friend at 6am saying I’m gonna be okay because I don’t have you anymore. She’s not wrong.

[gabsxms]

I haven’t typed something here in so long, typing for myself now, but I can finally say, I think you can be the one to help me open up again, even though it’s hard to feel things nowadays just because you’ve became so numb, but I could say you couldn’t have came at such an important time in my life.

[gabsxms]

8.9 Today is a very special day, adding another year to this old kid. As I look back into older videos, I get a little sad looking at it, because I realized that who we were back then no longer exist anymore, our love for each other still remains, but as the individual and our perspective between one another and everything else is different now. What I learn from my experience is learning how to properly love someone and knowing how to balance everything you already have and everything you have and want to have with that one person. I admit, I’m not all there yet, but I know that I sometimes have to put myself in a different point of view and see the bigger picture. That it’s not always about you or what you want. I know I’m the type to put others first before myself, but this is the first that I have to actually put myself to the test at how much I love this person and how far I’m willing to go for them. I’ve always thought of myself as someone who can be on their own and not need anyone in that way, relying on your own. Yet, being independent feels just as special as having someone, that deep down, you also want someone to rely on you too on anything because you’re the type that put others first and you would feel just as important too. That’s what I want to be for this person. From what I observe, this girl deserves all the love in the world and I’m not just saying it, but because it’s true. She cares deeply for everyone, friends, family, significant other. And witnessing that someone like her exist, you really want to make her feel just as important. So I just want to take this time to thank this wonderful soul for everything she’s done for me and still manage to find a way back into my life no matter how hard life comes at us or between us. And blessing this babygirl another amazing year and to get turnt tonight with everyone that loves her too.

[gabsxms]

7.22 Pt. 2

I’m sorry if it was stressful being in the car with me, having to lose my keys and with the whole mom situation. I fully understand how you feel, and it bothers me too. I’m sorry if I kinda raised my voice when I told you so many times that it was okay if I was late, because I just wanted to spend a little more time with you. My friends understand, and when I arrived, not everyone was there either. I just wished you see that I got some things under control and I know what I’m doing.

But other than that, I’ve been thinking a lot if I want this or not, and I actually do, I think you can really be good for me and put balance in my life. And I miss you more when we’re apart, and I’m at a spot in my life where I’m not jumping into conclusions about how I feel, that I don’t lose track with everything else around me that matters too instead of losing myself, that I slow things down to see the bigger picture. I notice you still focus on the things surrounding me when I only focus on you and not the problems. Yet, I think about the consequences at the same time, so it helps me in the long run about the things I do. But I’m not gonna just dip when things get tough. That’s the part about love is to see growth in your person and be there throughout the whole journey. I’m capable of sticking with that person and I know where my feelings lie. So I have full control in knowing who I love, at the same time, I’m going to let the flow of the waves between us do it’s thing, because I have faith in us and what is love if you’re in complete control.

[gabsxms]

7.22

Wow, when you called me, I was so shook, when it was us three again, it felt like the good old times. I’m glad we can go back to how it was before, I miss it when it would be just us only and having to hear your voice from a mile away when we’re just a feet away from you. LOL

[gabsxms]

Aw man, I hate myself for saying that. I hope you don’t see me like that.

[gabsxms]

7.10 Almost everything.

Audio is near and I’m kinda nervous because anything could happen. It’s the first rave that I don’t have you in that way and just the thought of that alone, hurts.... Always have. It’s nice to be free to do whatever you want to do and not be limited on anything by choice. But it’s nicer to have someone you know you’re down for or even someone waiting for you when you come home, or even sleeping on the phone with them. I miss how it was before, but things are different now. I don’t think I want it to be how it was before to the point where we end up hurting each other. I’d want it to where we were both content with each other, confide in each other, and just connected with each other only and not what surrounds us that defines who we are. But you can’t help it, because that’s just who you are, you care deeply for someone and I can’t blame you for that. That’s kinda what I love about you though. Yet, wiping away everything you see as flawed with that person, you’d lose all the things that make you happy. Loyalty is no sweat, I can be extremely loyal to whoever I’m with or talking to. (Treat others the way you want to be treated.) If I ever look back at myself in a different body and go against my own words, I’d be pretty disappointed in myself. I know who I am though, and how I’m changing for the better. I really hope you’re proud of me just as I am with myself. I miss you, and everything we did together. That’s why I let things happen. I shouldn’t have let everything happen though, like how I shouldn’t have hurt you or make you feel less important when you meant the whole world to me. I realize that now, and you were right to leave. I always thought that you were failing me. But if you were happier with me, maybe I was failing you. At the same time, I know what I deserve.. I think we’re both holding ourselves back, and it shouldn’t be like that. When you love a person, that person deserves all of you and not just in parts that you want them to see. This is what I get though when you signed up to give your heart to this person, you also signed up for the possibility of getting hurt by them. I don’t regret you though. I actually cherish everything you done for me and who you were to me. I don’t regret you at all. And I still care about you a lot. Always have.

[gabsxms]

6.20 After everything.

She’s the first person I was willing to spend forever with. And even then, I knew we had a chance, and a chance we might not make it. I stayed because I poured all of myself to you. And in the end, I only drained myself. But it was worth it for the person you love right? But the moment they stop putting effort, it’s not worth it anymore. Because I deserve better. I always imagine a moment in time that you find the one, your person, after everyone else who comes in your life and tries to prove themselves, but they were never the one. You were. I’m sorry I keep messing up. And I end up being so hard on myself because I hate it whenever I let you down. And when I go off on you for something you did that hurt me, it was never my intentions to hurt you, because that’s not me, hurting you is the last thing I ever want to do. And I worry you when I’m out late or not responding, even though I’m out with friends. It shouldn’t be like that, where you feel anxious when I’m out late or who I’m with. I know you do the things you do because you care deeply about me. And I made you change for the sake of having a little freedom. Because you were suffocating me? Yeah..but I can tell you stop trying completely. And there’s a difference. I shouldn’t change you. And you shouldn’t change me. We both have to meet each other half way and change on our own with each other on our side. That’s how it should be. That’s how it should’ve been. You’re not a bad person okay? Just don’t stop caring. And don’t stop being you. Because that’s how I fell for you, was because you were this kindhearted, most caring person when I first met you. And you were just you. You can easily just enter a room full of people, start talking, and you’d grab anyone’s attention around you just by how you can start and keep up a conversation and they learn a little bit more about yourself and they end up liking you because you have this personality where you can light up the whole room and when you laugh, it’s infectious. And whenever you talk about something that is so passionate to you, whether it be dancing or even people, like you’re siblings or your aunt or uncle, they start seeing something in you. And that something about you is what makes you you. And I hope the next person you find, will give you all the love they can offer, the love you deserve, and give just as much as I did.

[gabsxms]

[gabsxms]

7.4 I’m finally off. And even though I’m okay with where I’m at right now. I just want to kiss someone and matter to them.

[gabsxms]

I really hope you find what you are looking for. That’s all I want for you. Whether it be self-care or self-love. Either way, I care a lot about you. No matter how much I need you at a time like this. I have myself. And I just want the same for you.

[gabsxms]

Damn...

Knowing that they’re far away from home, makes you feel some typa way.

Fucking miss her.

[gabsxms]

My Lessons to/will Learn

• Speak up for your rights

• Prioritizing what’s important first

• Communicate more

• Be responsible

• The effort of putting family first

• Know who your true friends are

• Stop making friends in the wrong places

• Learn your mistakes and better yourself

• Put yourself first as well

• Stand up for yourself and not be taken advantage of

• Take things slow, even though it’s already slow as it is

• Trust your gut feeling more

• Be more patient and forgiving to those you love

• Master the art of letting go of toxic people in your life

• In a time of despair, don’t push away people who are willing to be there for you

• Don’t give chances to people who don’t deserve them

• Don’t expect anything back because sometimes, Love is a one sided street

• Remind yourself everyday that you are enough

• That you are worth it and that you deserve someone who reciprocates back

• Biggest favor you can do for all the people that you hurt, that helped you, the people that you love, and the people who loves you...

• Is to be the best person you are capable of being

• I’m not perfect, but neither are you

[gabsxms]

4.12 Assumptions

Finally had that talk that I’ve been waiting for a long time, to find out, you were waiting this whole time too. I didn’t know how much it effected you which led to all the bad things coming back. I’m sorry, and I couldn’t stop apologizing tonight even though you said I didn’t have to, it was the only thing I could give, but I couldn’t help but feel bad for what I did. Even though I did it for my own reasons. I guess, the biggest thing I wanted to apologize for was.... knowing that I’m an observant person, I couldn’t read you....especially when it came to friends...the fact I read you wrong. Therefore, it led me to believing that I couldn’t come to you, and you were upset because you were the last person I went to when you should’ve been one of the first few. I didn’t know you’d be understanding, and that you’d drop whoever you’re with just to come to me and make sure I was okay because you admitted you’ve been friends with me for a long time, and that you cried over me because you thought you lost me. When I was here thinking I was going to lose you... finding out tonight, you never stop caring. We both at one point wanted to drop each other, but a part of me just couldn’t even if I have so many reasons to, I just couldn’t give up on friends. It’s too late at this point, I would feel too weird with hanging out with everyone, so I’m gonna slowly just go my own way, but out of this, I was hoping from today, that I would still have you both in my life like before all this went down. You got me when you said you knew G for a long time and even though you’re closer to her than me, when it came to the three of us, it was different, that you said it felt like a part of us was missing. I keep trying to refrain from telling myself this because D7 would always remind me that I’m not. I feel like a bad friend....

One of the hardest lessons that I’ve learned is trying to not push away people when it’s always you being there for them. Feeling like you’re a burden was always on my mind, when a lot of people get effected when you don’t come to them. I guess it’s a give and receive kind of thing. A thing I need to start getting used too...

I’m just gonna stop running away and start walking towards the friends that are willing to hear me out because I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore....which eventually will hurt me.